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“After time, puzzle pieces don’t fit together so well anymore. They wear, and can lose their shape. They don’t fit together as perfectly.”
Io’s words kept running through Ryuu’s head to the point that they all became jumbled and he could no longer make out individual words. He didn’t even know what to think when he heard it all, all he knew was to run, run far away from Io and the defense club. Even the mere thought of him made Ryuu feel as though he were suffocating, and it made absolutely no sense to him. Why did his words hurt so much? Why had they extracted such a reaction out of him?
Ryuu stopped running once he reached the final set of stairs and leaned against the wall to pause and catch his breath. He glanced upward and listened carefully, looking for any sign that someone was coming after him; he hoped they wouldn’t. Ryuu wasn’t sure what he’d tell anyone, especially not when he couldn’t even explain himself.
He slid down against the wall and sat down on the tiled floor, pulling his knees up to his chest as he set his bag down beside him. Io was his best friend, had been for years. It was logical for him to feel hurt hearing that his best friend didn’t even consider them friends anymore. His reactions were perfectly justified. Io had admitted to Atsushi that he was having conflicting thoughts about their friendship, then even confessed that he never planned on informing Ryuu about it.
“I can’t talk to him about it at all.”
There was a strong, sharp ache in Ryuu’s chest at the clear memory of Io’s words. He would’ve sworn that he had been stabbed in the chest before the knife was twisted while still protruding out of him. Catching his breath was hard. He was starting to hear other students’ voices and it made him quickly rise up to his feet; he wouldn’t dare get caught in that position. He wouldn’t dare let anyone see him so disheveled and frazzled. If he did, they would know that something was wrong, that something finally shook Zaou Ryuu right at his core to the point that he lost control of himself. That couldn’t happen.
Ryuu dragged himself to the bathroom, hoping to freshen up and look less like the walking pile of garbage that he felt like. He could hear the buzzing of his cell phone in his bag but for once he was set on ignoring it, throwing the bag down to the side before he opened the faucet to let cold water rush out into the sink. He took a deep breath before bending down to splash the cold liquid against his face, hoping he’d snap out of it. Ryuu blindly reached out for the automatic towel dispenser and tugged a sheet out of it to dry his face before raising his head, staring forward at his reflection.
‘Io’s in love with me,’ he thought, and the realization made those same hot tears begin to prick at the corners of his eyes again. Did it bother him? He never really thought about it; he was always so busy with girls and their dates and... Ryuu winced. Io had hit the nail on the head with that.
Ryuu did always go on dates and dote on girls and spent most of his time with them. He liked being Mr. Popular. He liked having a never-ending stream of texts coming his way from multiple girls looking for a second date that they’d probably never receive. Ryuu really wasn’t about attachments; he never gave any of that stuff a second thought, not ever. Maybe that was why it was so easy to fall into such a level of comfort with Io, flirting with him, teasing him, hands brushing against each other more often, touches against the shoulder or side lasting longer than normal...and that was where Ryuu lost count. He never paid attention to any of that before, he never had a reason to. It all felt so comfortable, so wonderful, why over-think it?
But not thinking about it at all made Io mad, mad to the point that he didn’t want to be friends anymore.
Ryuu bent down to his bag, fishing around inside of it for his hair brush before standing back up to face the mirror again. He pulled his headband off and wrapped it around his wrist before beginning to brush his hair, trying to look presentable again and not like he had been hanging out in the bathroom splashing water on his face with the goal of calming down.
‘I like having his attention,’ Ryuu pondered. ‘I like seeing him smile and know it’s for me, or because of something I said. I like it when he puts his hand over mine. I like being in his company, even if we’re not speaking. I...’
His hands slowed down in their actions until they finally went still and fell to his sides as he stared at his reflection wide-eyed.
“Am I in love with him?” came the soft whisper that he barely heard, regardless of the fact that he was alone in an otherwise silent bathroom.
The bell began to chime and Ryuu cursed, not having realized how much time had gone by. He unwrapped his headband from his wrist and hurried to set it back into place, but he could tell he still looked off. He didn’t have it in him to care for once, and that was a definite sign that his mind had hit overload.
Ryuu grabbed his bag and shoved his brush into it before rushing out of the bathroom, only to stop at the horrifying realization that Io would be in the classroom. Of course he would be, they were classmates. They sat next to each other. The idea of spending the rest of the school day beside him made his stomach turn over and a wave of nausea settle in his throat. Ryuu wasn’t strong enough to handle hours of that, of the potential stares and glances, knowing that any word that fell from Io’s lips would be forced and full of resentment even if Ryuu wasn’t supposed to know about it. He did, and it was killing him whether Io knew it or not.
The walk to the classroom felt like the walk to his death, and Ryuu knew that maybe he was over-exaggerating. There was still a tiny voice in his head that was shouting to be heard, flailing around crying out ideas to talk to Io, that he was misunderstanding, that he didn’t really know... but Ryuu couldn’t do it. He couldn’t say the words.
He trudged into the classroom and didn’t dare raise his head, but Ryuu couldn’t help but glance out into the room through his peripheral vision, immediately spotting Io in his seat already. It made Ryuu’s next breath get caught in his throat at the sight of him. He wanted so much to believe that the expectant, maybe hopeful?, gaze that Io was shooting out was aimed at him, hoping for him, but Ryuu knew he was kidding himself.
“... To have it dangled in front of me like that knowing I’ll never have the outcome I’m looking for is like putting money into a stock that you know won’t make it passed the first quarter. It’s pointless.”
‘Damn if it didn’t hurt hearing that,’ Ryuu thought. ‘And to know that he never planned on telling me...’
The memory made Ryuu’s steps slow down until he had come to a complete halt in the front of the classroom, feet away from the teacher’s podium. His nausea increased tenfold, and he felt utterly positive that he was going to be sick. He couldn’t stay there any longer, not when he knew he had dozens of pairs of eyes staring at him, Io’s worst of all.It was the most unexplainable, miserable feeling.
Ryuu stepped over to the teacher’s podium, rubbing his arm nervously through his uniform jacket as he began to speak, hoping that the teacher would take pity on him without asking too many questions. “Sensei, I’m sorry. I need to go to the nurse’s office. I’m going to be sick.” Ryuu could barely recognize his voice; it disgusted him. He was disgusted with himself at how hard he was taking Io’s words, but it felt like the biggest slap in the face.
He was grateful for his teacher’s discreet approval and turned on his heels to head out of the classroom, feeling Io’s eyes still upon him. The feel of his gaze made Ryuu walk faster, reaching for the door to pull it open just as Io stood up in his spot.
“Ryuu! Wait!” he called out, but Ryuu ignored him. The sound of his voice did the opposite of Io’s goal; Ryuu was out the door in a rush before Io had time to say anything else in hopes to stall him or even completely stopping him. The only response Io got was the loud slam of the door as it closed.
“Naruko, class is starting now,” the teacher scolded, and Io frowned as he sat back down in his seat, eyes glancing down to his bag. Maybe he could cautiously send Ryuu a text or something. He had never been one to text or anything of the sort during class, but Atsushi was right. Io didn’t want him to be right, he wanted to be set with his plan to slowly break away from Ryuu before his heart hurt any more than it already was. Ryuu could never know, and he’d probably never even notice. So how had this all backfired in his face in such a way?
“Is there finally something Naruko wants that he can’t get? I’m shocked!”
Io felt his eyebrow twitch at the sound of Itsumo’s voice. The teacher scolding Itsumo for speaking up wasn’t enough to appease Io, although it did feel good to hear. He turned around in his seat, glaring at Itsumo who sat a few seats behind him. It was normally easy to ignore his weird commentary and attitude, but he was on edge since lunch and he didn’t appreciate some guy with a grudge to egg him on over something that was so serious and so important to him. The smirk Itsumo sent his way in return had Io’s hands clench into fists, and he turned back around to face forward, not wanting to make even more of a spectacle of himself.
He was going to need to figure out a way to get to Ryuu before the day ended.
On the opposite side of the situation, Ryuu was trying to figure out a way to keep avoiding Io until the day ended. He assumed that the nurse took one look at the pitiful look on his face and deemed it as enough to send him to one of the beds to rest. Ryuu had pulled the curtains on either side of his bed closed before he pulled the bed sheet over his body, trying to hide himself even though he was alone aside from the nurse.
“Ryuu’s stubborn and hard-headed. He’s very set in his ways and mindset. He doesn’t get attached, what makes me any different? ... I don’t even think he could come to terms with liking someone of the same sex.”
“Damnit, what the hell do you mean ‘what makes me any different?’ Is that really a question you have to ask?” Ryuu mumbled to himself. “And how are you so quick to decide what I can and can’t do? Maybe I could come to terms with liking someone of the same sex! What the hell do you know?!”
Ryuu started shifting and fidgeting under the sheet, legs kicking and arms flailing until the sheet was pulled down and off of his face. He rolled over onto his back, staring up at the white ceiling of the room as he let out a loud groan that only seemed to echo in the empty room.
“I never gave you a reason to think otherwise, did I, Io?” Ryuu’s voice grew soft again, and he brought his hands up to cover his eyes with his palms. “I never meant to hurt you. I never, ever wanted to hurt you... but why didn’t you tell me how you were feeling? Why didn’t you trust me? Was I not worth your time? Your words? Did you see nothing to be earned by sitting down and taking to me?”
Ryuu kept going back and forth in his thoughts, hopping between being angry and upset at Io for what he had said, hurt that Io didn’t deem him worthy of going after or talking to in regards to a matter as serious as this. The other part of him was upset and disappointed in himself for not having realized he had been hurting Io on a daily basis with all of his flirtations and talk of girls. It was giving him a headache.
He sunk his head deeper into the pillow and closed his eyes, finally willing himself to relax and allow the few tears that had been demanding freedom to spill down his cheeks. Io’s words were the pure definition of the most extreme form of betrayal. Why did he go to Atsushi and confer with him? Why did he divulge such personal information to him?
“...I would rather not bother and not let my feelings continue to multiply. With how we’ve been lately, it’d hurt too much. It already is. I’d rather focus on my finances and forget all about it...”
He couldn’t fully pinpoint when he had become so touchy-feely over Io. The memory of the warm skin of his hands against him had shivers running through Ryuu’s body, had his heart racing, had the butterflies in his stomach awaken and flip-flop. Ryuu bit his lip at his recognition of it. all He never once felt such a strong bodily reaction to a girl and her touch. Io made him breathless and made him want more, and he couldn’t tell when or how that started. All Ryuu could say with clarity and confidence was that he yearned for something with his best friend, and it hurt more than he could bare to say to think that he had lost it all before he ever even had him.
But then, why did he have to? Couldn’t they just enjoy each other and move forward together without making every feeling and action into some sort of an advanced algebraic equation that required time to figure out and solve?
‘Why can’t you just talk to me?’ Ryuu sighed, turning back onto his side and wrapping his arms around himself. ‘I never meant to hurt you... My heart aches. My stomach hurts. My head is throbbing. Why? Why...? I wish you hadn’t said any of this. I wish I hadn’t heard a single word.’
“Zaou-san?”
Ryuu’s grip on the bed sheet tightened in surprise, not having expected the nurse’s voice so suddenly, nor so close to him. He glanced over his shoulder to acknowledge her, not feeling confident in his ability to speak without crying even more.
“The school day is just about over, why don’t you head home? Be sure to get plenty of rest so that you can come in tomorrow, okay?”
Sitting up, Ryuu could only nod, continuing to refuse to speak. He, once again, hadn’t realized how quickly the time was passing, but it was in his best interest. He could go home and could think about everything freely without the fear of getting caught. His body felt like it was being weighed down by bags of wet sand; moving was taking too much effort, even to get off of the bed and bend down to grab his bag. Ryuu had lost count of how many times it had buzzed with some sort of notification and message alert, and he almost laughed at how ironic it was.
‘I don’t care about anyone or whatever they have to tell me, so you were wrong after all.’
Ryuu reached for the curtain to pull it aside and out of his way so he could leave the nurse’s office. His grip on the curtain tightened and it wrinkled in his hold, the curtain rings shaking slightly against the rod they were hooked on the longer Ryuu held on. He hadn’t noticed that he was the one shaking and causing the disturbance because his last thought stopped him dead in his tracks.
“Maybe... Maybe I am in love with Io.”
Knowing that the defense club was meeting up at that time had Ryuu moving at a leisurely pace, not needing to run around like he had been for the majority of the day. It felt so satisfying to be in fresh air and to have a moment to himself; Ryuu felt smothered by the walls of the school all day. ‘You’re wrong there, too. I hate the fact that I’m popular right now.’
Ryuu was reaching the gate to exit the property when the sound of Io’s voice invaded his senses and caused him to stumble in his tracks. He began to pick up the pace, walking at a faster speed to get out of there. He had made it, he was at the home stretch, the very last leg of the game; how could he falter and fail now? If Io caught him, Ryuu knew himself too well - he’d lash out in some way. All the hurt he was feeling would come out in a way that would only make things worse and that couldn’t happen. He had to suck it in and put a brave face, and give Io what he wanted: his space, no matter how much it hurt to do so.
“Ryuu!”
Io sounded closer, and Ryuu wanted to much to turn toward the sound of that voice. The source of that voice was always a source of comfort for him, but now it made his body seize in panic, and how wrong was that really?
“Ryuu!!”
Io knew Ryuu heard him, there was no way he could be missed. So, was Ryuu ignoring him? Or was he truly feeling that sick? Or... There was the third option that Io was dreading, the one that meant Ryuu heard his words, or part of them, and had fallen apart because of them. Io was fine with sparing the two of them the pain and heartbreak of a conversation. He assumed that he could simply move on, lose his crush on his best friend, and therefore Ryuu’s actions would no longer stab at his heart over and over and over. Instead, he found himself going through multiple hours without him, and that ache hurt more than what he felt prior. Not having Ryuu at all hurt more than having him just out of reach.
Ryuu continued walking forward, and Io couldn’t take it anymore. His heart was begging, pleading for him to move and do something, but his brain was on vacation it seemed, unable to function and contemplate a resolution. So Io did the next best thing he could think of, run forward to catch up with Ryuu before grabbing his wrist in a tight hold to stop him from running away. Ryuu’s body flinched in his grip and Io almost let go in horror at the fact that Ryuu seemed to feel pain at his touch. Io tugged at his arm, forcing the other to turn around and face him, and the second Ryuu’s face came into view, Io’s grip loosened.
Io had no idea who he was staring at. The Ryuu he knew, the Ryuu he loved, was charismatic, confident, arrogant, narcissistic and proud of himself. Head held high and a smile always gracing his lips. He was loud, bold, full of energy and sass and some sort of electric spark, a fire within him that Io wanted so badly to get burned by. However, that wasn’t who was standing in front of him. Now, the Ryuu he faced looked dejected, quiet, forlorn, as though he had completely given up. His eyes were downcast and his lips were twisted in a small frown, brow furrowed causing tiny wrinkle lines on his forehead. His stare was on the ground and he looked like hell, plain and simple.
“Ryuu...” Io whispered. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong.” Ryuu answered immediately, his voice an emotionless monotone. “I’m completely fine.”
“You don’t look fine at all.” Io’s fingers began rubbing Ryuu’s wrist subconsciously. “You left class looking sick, and never came back. Are you ditching the meeting today?”
Silence.
Io frowned at the silence, but knew he couldn’t let it slow him down. He was determined. “Do you want to talk about it? Or was it maybe something you ate?”
“...why are you bothering?”
Io’s fingers stilled against Ryuu’s wrist. He was taken completely aback by Ryuu’s response; he didn’t know what to make of it. “What?”
“Why don’t you focus on your finances and forget all about me?”
Ryuu’s voice was louder than a gunshot. Io felt frozen, like his breathing stopped and his heart stopped and his blood ran cold in his veins. He recognized those words, and they confirmed his ultimate fear for Ryuu’s behavior: Ryuu had indeed heard everything he said to Atsushi earlier in the day.
“Ryuu... I... We should probably talk...”
With that, the part of Ryuu that had been trying to restrain himself, to calm himself and appease himself in the hopes of not doing something stupid was slapped out of the way. His anger returned tenfold, and he tugged at his arm in attempts to pull it free from Io’s grasp. “No need! I heard you loud and clear!” he exclaimed. “You don’t have to stress about a thing anymore, Naruko-san, because I quit. I’m done.”
“W-what?!” Io shouted, tightening his hold on Ryuu’s wrist. ‘Naruko-san. He called me Naruko-san.’ “Ryuu, don’t be so hot-headed! Let’s talk -- ”
“I’m not supposed to say anything, remember? I’m not even supposed to know.” Eyes narrowing, Ryuu gave a final, stronger tug to his arm, ripping it free from Io’s hold at last. “Was I ever really your friend, Naruko-san? Did you ever trust me at all? Just stay away from me and stick to your damn money!”
Ryuu was a blur of movement before Io could come up with a retort to defend himself and stop him. He couldn’t say anything, all he could do was watch his best friend - ex-best friend? - run off past the school’s gates and out of sight.
‘I lied to Kinugawa-senpai, before,’ Io thought suddenly, instantly finding it hard to catch his breath unless he was taking big, deep gasps. ‘Having Ryuu right at my fingertips didn’t hurt that bad. Not having Ryuu at all hurts the most.’
There was a thick tightness in his throat, a fierce pang of pain in his chest, an intense pain in his temples, shuddering breaths that forced their way out of his mouth, and the abrupt salty taste of tears hitting his lips as they trailed down his face.
“I’m in love with him, Kinugawa-senpai.”
“... I’m in love with him.”