Chapter Text
JULIETTE POV
It was just too much. My thoughts center around that one idea, swirling until I’m sure I’ll never break free of them. I feel like I’m back at the asylum. Trapped. As time goes on, I further and further convince myself of one awful truth: this was a huge mistake .
Kenji’s voice breaks me from my head, careening me back to the present. “And, I mean, it’s just a matter of time until someone attacks us, you know? There’s no way they’ll all just sit back as you, a tiny seventeen year old with crazy skin, no offense,” Kenji adds, upon seeing my expression, “decides to take over. Like on what planet would the rest of the Reestablishment’s goons just be all ‘Oh okay, cool, bro. Come invade us next, no biggie!’ There’s just no way! ”
I try to take a breath. This panic isn’t unfamiliar to me, I just have to remember to breathe. I know Kenji isn’t trying to make it worse. In fact, he’s completely correct. Someone will attack us. I know this, we all do. But awareness doesn’t make it any easier. If I’m honest, I’ve been in a state of paralyzed terror since I became the new Supreme just waiting for the attacks he was bringing up. I have no idea what will happen when the attacks are no longer just a faraway possibility.
Breathe, I remind myself. “Kenji?” I say, stopping in the corridor.
“Yeah?”
“Do you think Castle’s right?”
Kenji bristles, on edge about questioning his father-figure. I know that as much as Kenji loves me, his relationship with Castle will always be sacred to him. I don’t fault him for that. If I had that kind of relationship with a parent, God knows I wouldn’t let it go, either. I hate even bringing up the question to him because I don’t want to put him in the middle. But, frankly, I think my head might explode if I don’t talk this out.
“About what, J?” His voice is steady but his eyes are wary, giving him away.
“About me not being able to do this. About thinking the other commanders wouldn’t respond to the invites. About Warner being more cut out for this than I am.” I explain, voice slightly shaking by the end. As I explain my concerns, I feel my heartbeat quicken, anxious energy surrounding me.
Kenji sighs. “I don’t know, J. You know I love you, but Warner was bred for this lifestyle. Literally. All the kid’s done is prepare for this lifestyle. And I just… you’re a governmental leader now. That’s serious shit. You’ve got wars to think about now, not to mention the thousands of civilians that’ll be counting on you! And-”
I can’t take it anymore and cut off his rant by tugging on his hand. Kenji turns to me, his eyes widening as he looks at my face, my terrified eyes coated in unshed tears.
“Woah, kid, you alright?”
I shake my head and bring a hand to my chest, rubbing the skin above my breastbone as if it could relieve the pressure. My heart feels like it’ll burst at any second and as quick as I try to gulp in oxygen, I feel like I can’t get enough to my lungs. My breathing accelerates as I realize I can’t get enough air and I have no idea what to do to fix it. My panic begins to spiral as my thoughts carry me away. I can’t do this. He’s right, Castle’s right, they’re all right. What was I thinking?! I don’t know a single thing about this life, I’ll never survive. Even worse, no one in this sector will survive, either! They’re counting on me and I’m letting them down and oh, God, why can’t I breathe why can’t I breathe why is my head spinning-
“Juliette!” Kenji yells, grabbing me by the shoulders. “Come on, J, what’s going on? What’s happening?”
“I think,” I wheeze. “I think I’m having a p-panic attack.” My breaths are short and violent, chest heaving unevenly as my brain cuts off. Tears start to slip down my face as I feel my body succumbing to terror. Not a single helpful thought or coping mechanism comes to me; all I can think of is how this is it. This is how I’m going to die.
“Okay. Shit. Okay, J, tell me what you need.”
I need to feel safe again. “Get,” I gasp, falling to the floor as I’m hit with a spell of dizziness and light-headedness. I put my face between my knees, remember how that’s helped in the past, and the next word I utter is pure desperation. “Warner. Please. Get Warner.”
Kenji nods and I can tell he’s terrified to see me like this. He’s seen me cry, he’s seen me scared, but nothing like this. No one has ever seen me like this. I’ve hidden this part of myself, ashamed at how vulnerable I become.
“J, I really don’t want to just walk away from you right now, I don’t want to leave you hyperventilating in a hallway-”
“Kenji, please. I need him.” As I speak the words, I’m hit with how true they are. In the midst of my panic, the one thing I can think of is Aaron. My safe place, my home. He’s my anchor. The one person who chooses me above all else, no questions asked. The one person who’s believed in me from the start. He’ll know what to do, I’m sure of it. And right now, the only thing my insecure, vulnerable, anxiety-ridden mind can think of is him.
I’m not sure if I was able to convey all of that, but something in my voice or body must have gotten through to Kenji. He just nods, looking at me with sympathetic, yet understanding eyes as he runs to my boyfriend’s office.
As he leaves, I’m hit with another wave of anxiety as I realize that I’m basically asking Kenji to pull Aaron away from his work right now. He has a million things to do! Do you think he likes having to comfort you whenever something goes wrong? No, that’s why I was supposed to be different this time, smaller, better. Less of a problem. Less of a nuisance.
I lift my hands up and more sobs wrack my body as I realize how horribly they’re shaking. I bury my hands in my hair and start to count. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Something about the repetition soothes me and the small sense of rationality I was able to hold onto reminds me it’s a coping mechanism from the asylum. So I count. I look at the floor and count the tiles. Anything, anything, as I pray the feeling passes.