Work Text:
October 13, 1977
Dear Diary,
It’s been hard, lately. I keep trying not to stare at Padfoot, to think about him in the ways I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it. There’s something wrong with me. I don’t know if it’s the wolf in me, if that monster is the reason I have thoughts like this, or if it’s something else, but whatever it is I wish it would just go. Away.
How come Prongs can like girls, and Wormtail can like girls, and even Severus fucking Snape can like girls, but I can’t? Why am I like this? No wonder my father’s ashamed of me.
RJL
Remus stared at the words he’d written, frozen. That was the closest he’d ever gotten to admitting how he felt about people. How he felt about men in particular. How it was impossible for him to feel something for a girl, no matter how often he’d tried—and believe him, he’d tried.
He dropped the quill, ink staining the mahogany library desk beneath his journal, and leaned back in his chair. This was going to ruin him one day. Letting himself think these things, admitting to himself how he really felt about one of his closest friends. It’s better to ignore it , he’d told himself countless times, but ignoring it hurt like hell and he was already in so much pain.
It wasn’t like Sirius would ever find out, anyways. He had gone out with more girls than the Prewett twins had friends (which was really saying something), so there was no point in telling him. What could he even say? “Hey, Sirius, I know you’ll probably be disgusted by this, but I’m physically attracted to you”?! Ridiculous.
---
October 13, 1977
Dear Diary,
Lily talked to me again! (sure, she was just answering a question I had about History of Magic, but still! She talked to me!) Sirius was sitting next to me, so he can verify when Peter questions it later.
I’m really hoping Lily will see that I’m better. Do I still think about hexing Snivellus to oblivion? Yes, of course. Do I hate him more than anything? Obviously. Do I wish that he’d maybe leave the country and never return? Definitely, no question about it. But I don’t act on those thoughts anymore!
Sorry, I’ve gotta go, I think Sirius is coming up the stairs and he hates being late for dinner.
James Fleamont Potter
“Hey, what’re you doing?” asked Sirius, peeking his head into the dark dormitory. “It’s almost dinner, Potter.”
James shrugged and stood up from his bed. “Writing.”
“ Ah , of course,” Sirius said knowingly.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
His best friend shrugged mysteriously before grinning again. “Come on, we don’t want to be late. We’re gonna meet Moony down there since he was being all proper and doing homework in the library all afternoon.”
James snorted and followed Sirius down the stairs and through the common room.
---
October 25, 1977
Dear Diary,
I’m starting to get sick of this. Seriously (absolutely no pun intended).
Prongs is always off pining after Lily. Moony’s busy keeping all his secrets a secret. Padfoot’s too worried about Regulus to think about anything else. And that’s all fine. That’s okay. There’s a war starting, and people are scared, and we all choose our own most important things to think about. But it’d be great if maybe, just maybe, my friends would start actually treating me like a friend, instead of just a sidekick.
I’m not stupid. I’m not weak. And I’m not someone who appreciates being kicked to the curb whenever I become less interesting than someone or something else.
It’s been a while since I’ve felt like this, I know. And maybe it’s a short-term thing, something that will blow over when this war does. But maybe it’s not.
I don’t know what I’ll do if it’s not.
Peter Alfred Pettigrew
Peter took a deep breath, trying to calm himself as his vision blurred. Merlin, he was crying like a little girl, and wasn’t that embarrassing? It wasn’t like he’d even lost his friends. They were just busy . Lily had apparently started having conversations with James, which was nice but also why couldn’t she just leave them alone? James was incredible, he deserved someone better than a girl who used to crush on Snivellus Snape. And same with Sirius, he deserved a better brother than Regulus. He was a death eater , for goodness’ sake.
And Remus… well, Peter wasn’t entirely sure what was going on with Remus. He was obviously worried about people finding out about his… affliction, what with the moon coming up soon, but there was something else. Something that had started affecting him in the past few weeks. He just couldn’t figure out what.
---
October 31, 1977
Dear Diary,
It’s Halloween party time! I’m dressed up as an (extremely sexy) ghost, and I keep hiding under the invisibility cloak to scare people.
Lily and I have been spending a lot of time together tonight. I wanted to come up here and write this down so I can remember it in ten years when we’re married with three kids (or one or two or none if that’s what she wants, obviously).
Sirius just came in, he’s telling me to go back down and enjoy the time I have with Lily (I think he’s a little jealous of us, since he and Emmaline just broke up again). Gotta go!
James Fleamont Potter
“I am not jealous of you and Lily!” Sirius said loudly over James’ shoulder as he finished signing his name. “What a ridiculous idea.”
“Mhm, sure you aren’t, Padfoot,” responded James, rolling his eyes.
“I’m not! I’m just- well, I don’t know. But I’m not jealous.” Sirius pulled James to his feet. “Anyways, please come downstairs, because Remus is getting absolutely smashed and Peter refuses to help me stop him.”
James bit his lip. “How drunk is he?” he asked.
“He was trying to talk to a lamp, last I checked.”
“Pretty drunk, then.”
---
October 31, 1977
Dear Diary,
Oh gods, Remus is singing to a lamp now. It was funny earlier, but now it’s just plain sad. I know Sirius was down here earlier trying to stop him (he had to pull him down from the table when he tried to crawl up there), but he went off somewhere. Probably to find Emmaline and go at it in a closet somewhere.
Not that I care, obviously.
Marlene stared at her diary from the sofa in the corner (or as close to a corner as you could get in a circular room), biting her sugar quill as she tried to block out the noise around her. Usually she would be in the midst of the party, but she wasn’t in the mood tonight. Sirius had been blowing her off for months, dating Emmaline Vance of all people, and now was ignoring her again even though he was single, and Dorcas… well, Dorcas wasn’t speaking to her at the moment.
That, Marlene thought, hurt more than anything. She just wanted her best friend back, honestly. They didn’t even have to go back to doing whatever it was they had been doing. The kissing behind closed doors and beneath heavy blankets, and secret glances between classes, Marlene would give it all up if it meant Dorcas would just talk to her again.
She turned back to her diary.
Sirius just came back down with James - they’ve gone over and sat Remus down on the sofa. I feel bad for him, honestly, there’s obviously something going on with him because he never drinks this much at parties. Especially one on a monday.
Marlene Grace McKinnon
With nothing better to do, she watched as James got distracted by Lily again (honestly, she must see how in love with her he is) and Peter ambled over to a group of Hufflepuffs. She watched as Sirius leaned in towards Remus and said something to him, his face almost tender. Remus closed his eyes and covered his face with his hands, saying something back while shaking his head slowly.
Sirius smiled softly and patted him on the shoulder. Remus, Marlene noticed, leaned into the touch. The look on Sirius’ face was the one Dorcas had used to give her, back when they were more than friends.
Huh.
---
October 31, 1977
Dear Diary,
Sirius will be mad I updated this before I told him, but he’s sleeping so too bad. But I’ve never been happier. Lily kissed me! On the cheek! Her lips touched my face!!! Merlin, I can’t believe it. She’s so amazing.
James Fleamont Potter
He really couldn’t believe it. Most people had already gone to bed—Sirius had brought Remus upstairs to put him to sleep but hadn’t returned, Peter following soon after, and the Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs had left as well—but he and Lily had spent a while talking on the sofa by the fireplace. Which had eventually led to her saying good night to him and kissing him on the cheek .
Sirius would be so happy, James couldn’t wait to wake him up tomorrow and tell him.
---
October 31, 1977
Dear Diary,
Remus kissed me tonight.
Sirius
---
November 1, 1977
Dear Diary,
I hate this.
Jesus Christ, I hate this.
I’m never leaving this bed. Even writing this is painful, it feels like there’s fucking drills going into my skull, but I know if I don’t get this down I’ll forget it.
I kissed Sirius Black last night.
Or I think I did, anyways. It’s all a little blurry. But if I did, I can never talk to him again. I can never look at him again. He probably hates me, maybe even as much as I hate myself.
RJL
“Rise and shine, beauty!” came a loud voice from outside the curtains of Remus’ bed. He groaned loudly and pulled his thick blankets over his head.
“Not today, James,” he said from beneath the blankets. “I live here now.”
“This is your own fault for drinking half the bottles of Ogdens, Moony,” said Peter from somewhere across the room, “maybe you should’ve thought about this beforehand.”
“Shut the fuck up, Pete, let me sleep.”
There was blessed silence from the room, and Remus thought that maybe they’d decided to leave him alone, when suddenly his vision went white from the pain of light hitting his face.
“What the fuck ,” he shouted, grabbing at his blankets which had suddenly flown across the room. He squeezed his eyes shut to try and stave off his mounting headache while groping around for his wand. “You guys are the fucking worst .”
He heard James laugh. “You’ll thank us later,” he said sagely. “We’ll be downstairs, you’d better be there in half an hour.”
---
Sirius sat on his bed, the maroon curtains drawn aside, and watched as Remus flopped back onto his bed. He hadn’t noticed Sirius was still there, which was probably why he was muttering incoherently. Sirius debated getting up and leaving before he noticed, but at the same time…
He didn’t know what he was supposed to be feeling. Last night, Remus had kissed him, curled his hands into Sirius’ hair and pulled him close in the darkness of their dormitory after Sirius had brought him upstairs. And Sirius… Sirius had liked it. A lot.
Was that wrong of him, to like being kissed by a boy? And by one of his best friends, no less? His parents had always told him it was disgusting, but his parents had also told him that muggles deserved to be murdered, so he couldn’t really trust anything they said, could he?
But Remus had been drunk. He probably didn’t know what he was doing, he might’ve even thought Sirius was a girl at the time. What if he regretted it?
Well, only one way to find out.
Sirius cleared his throat softly.
---
Remus swore he had never moved as fast as he did when he heard Sirius. He snapped his head up and stared.
“Um,” Remus said intelligently. Sirius was sitting cross-legged on his bed, which was on the opposite side of the tower, watching Remus flail around as he tried to sit up properly. “Hi.”
“Hi,” Sirius responded, raising his eyebrows.
He swore you could hear a pin drop, the silence was so loud. They both looked at each other, not knowing what to say. Do you hate me? Remus wanted to ask. Did I ruin this?
“So…” began Sirius, after what seemed like forever, “last night.” Remus gulped. “I don’t really… I mean, I’m not sure how much you remember, but-”
“I do,” said Remus. Sirius frowned.
“What?”
“I mean,” Remus paused, not really knowing how to phrase this. He was sure his face was bright red. “I remember it. I think.” There wasn’t any point in lying, really, not when Sirius was there when it had happened.
“Oh.” Sirius bit his lip (he had really nice lips), wringing his hands. “So…”
“I’m sorry,” blurted Remus, looking away. “It was stupid, and I was drunk, obviously, and it’s not like I meant anything by it and so yeah, um, I’m sorry.”
“...oh,” said Sirius again, quietly. “Okay.”
Remus nodded, and watched as Sirius slowly got out of bed and locked himself in the bathroom. He hadn’t looked very happy about that apology… shit, he was really mad, wasn’t he? Remus groaned and let his face fall into his hands.
---
November 1, 1977
Dear Diary,
He didn’t mean it, apparently. Said he was “sorry” and that he only did it because he was drunk. I’m
“Who didn’t mean what?”
Sirius jumped, slamming his journal shut. “Merlin’s beard, Prongs, don’t do that!”
James grinned and rolled over the back of the sofa, his head landing in Sirius’ lap. “Who didn’t mean what?” he asked again. Sirius rolled his eyes.
“Nothing,” he said.
“Padfoot, c’mon.”
Sirius groaned and hung his head back, staring at the ceiling. “It’s stupid, you’d probably hate me-”
“What happened?”
Sirius bit his lip and looked around the common room. It was pretty much empty, most people were spending the last few sunny days outside before it got cloudy and gloomy. He sighed.
“Well… you know last night, when I brought Moony upstairs?” he began.
James nodded, his head still on Sirius’ lap. “Yeah.”
“So… well…”
“Sirius.” James sat up and turned so he was facing him. “Whatever it is, you can tell me. You know that.”
Sirius swallowed and nodded. “Right.” He cleared his throat. Why was this so hard to say? It’s not like it even mattered , it hadn’t mattered to Remus and anyways, they were both boys , they weren’t supposed to like kissing each other-
“Remus kissed me last night,” he blurted suddenly, surprising himself.
It was silent; Sirius turned to look at James. His friend was looking at him with a peculiar look on his face. “Well?” asked Sirius, pulling his legs to his chest. Would James judge him for this? For being a… well, he wouldn’t say that word, he knew it was a slur, but still…
James shook his head. “I’m just trying to figure out why you seem so sad about it,” he said. “I thought you’d be relieved.”
Sirius stared at him. “He said he only did it because he was drunk. ”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.” Sirius paused. “You don’t hate me?”
Looking horrified, James shook his head vehemently and leaned forward. “Padfoot, you’re my best friend. You’re my brother , basically. I’d never hate you for anything.” Sirius shrugged.
“Yeah, I know, but, I mean-”
“There is nothing wrong with you liking Moony,” James said firmly.
Sirius sighed and leaned back on the sofa, wishing he could fall between the cushions and never return. “There is if he doesn’t like me back,” he whispered.
---
“What if he does like you, though?”
Remus snorted, not looking up from his book. “Of all the thing’s you’ve ever said, Lils, that’s by far the stupidest.”
Lily crossed her arms and stuck her hip out to one side, eyebrows knitted. “Remus John Lupin,” she began, “stop believing nothing good can ever happen to you.”
“I’ll stop believing it when something good actually happens.” Lily groaned and snatched his book away from him, forcing Remus to look up.
“How do you know he doesn’t like you?” she asked.
“Because he’s Sirius Black . He’s shagged half the girls in our year.”
Shrugging, Lily said, “so? Maybe he likes both.” Remus pursed his lips and grabbed his book back from his friend, opening it to a random page and pretending to read. “Remus, honestly-”
“Please, Lily, I don’t want to talk about this anymore. It’s really fucking embarrassing.”
Lily sighed and ran a hand through her hair. She had to do something about this.
---
November 2, 1977
James glanced to his left from where he was leaning against the wall and almost toppled over. “Lily!” he called ecstatically. She was dressed in muggle clothes, a white sweater and dark jeans—Merlin, she was beautiful.
Surprisingly, she looked happy to see him, and hurried across the corridor. “Have you spoken to Sirius?” she asked. James’ smile faltered; was she still going to ignore their kiss on the cheek? But he shook it off, obviously she knew something about what had happened with their friends.
“Not since class. He was… how much do you know?”
Lily let out a breath and looked around for a moment before turning back to him. “That Remus kissed him and then said it was because he was drunk?” She paused. “God, I hope you already knew that, Remus would kill me if-”
“No, I did know, Sirius told me,” James assured. “I swear he was almost crying, it was awful seeing him like that.”
Lily’s bright green eyes widened. “So he was upset about it, then?”
“I mean…” He faltered. If he told Lily that Sirius liked Remus romantically, would she go and tell Remus? Probably not, he trusted her, but it was still Sirius’ own secret. “I really think you should talk to him about it, if-”
“ James ,” she hissed, running a hand through her hair. It was alarmingly similar to what James himself did when he got nervous. “Remus is miserable right now, I want to help him but I can’t if Sirius doesn’t like him like that.”
“Like what?”
“Does Sirius like Remus as more than a friend?”
James stared. If Lily was asking that to try and help Remus, then Remus definitely hadn’t just kissed him because of alcohol… “Yes,” he answered firmly. Let Sirius get mad at him, he’d be grateful in the long run if it meant he and Remus could be together.
“Oh thank god,” said Lily. “He’s been pining after Sirius for ages , it’s ridiculous.”
James nodded and laughed. “Pads has been the same, though I think I caught on before he did.”
“Alright,” said Lily, glancing around again. “We tell them, then? That they like each other?” She wrinkled her nose at James’ expression. “What, you think we shouldn’t?” James shrugged.
“We probably should. It’s just that Sirius definitely just heard everything we said.”
“...what? How- where?” Lily turned around, frowning.
“I could feel it, I have a sort of connection to the-”
“The invisibility cloak, of course,” finished Lily. James confirmed, and she groaned.
“Where did he go, then? Do you think he’ll go talk to Remus finally?”
James shrugged again. “I hope so.”
---
Christ, it was cold, Remus thought as he trudged across the Hogwarts grounds. He’d made it a goal of his to go on at least one long walk a week, but that might have to stop once it had snowed. He didn’t want anyone finding his frozen, lifeless body buried in the snow. I wonder if my dead body would still turn into a wolf during full moons , he thought bitterly.
He’d head to the library now, probably. Padfoot hated it there—he always said it was too quiet.
“Moony!” Speak of the devil. Remus stumbled to a halt as Sirius came running towards him; at least, he thought it was Sirius. There were random bits of him that were see-through.
Sirius stopped in front of him, breathing hard, and Remus realised why he looked like he’d been hexed invisible as he tore the invisibility cloak from around his body. “Moony-” he gasped out, bending over to catch his breath. “You- I-”
Remus bit his lip and stood there awkwardly, not having the faintest clue what was going on. “You okay?” he asked finally when Sirius seemed able to breathe again. “Is this about-”
“Did you tell Lily you liked me?”
He froze. Shit. “Er-”
“Remus.” Sirius looked- well, Remus didn’t know how he looked. Not angry, exactly, but not happy either. He swallowed harshly and made a decision.
“Do you hate me?’ he said, his voice almost a whisper. Sirius’s mouth fell open, and for a moment the two boys just stared at one another.
Then suddenly, miraculously, Sirius lurched forward and kissed him. It wasn’t much, a small peck, like he was unsure, but Remus’ hands automatically went to the boys waist, pulling him back and covering his lips with his own. He didn’t care that practically anyone could see them, or that it was colder than a witches tit, or that Sirius was his best friend and a boy ; Sirius was kissing him. Remus and Sirius Black were kissing.
They broke apart, breathless, holding each other for support like their legs would give out at any moment.
“Fuck, Moony,” Sirius breathed, closing his eyes as he rested his forehead against Remus’s. “We should’ve done that ages ago.” Remus laughed.
“Yeah, Pads, you’re right as usual.”
---
November 3, 1977
Remus woke up from the best sleep of his life to the sound of heavy snoring coming from behind James's curtains. He tried to turn over and bury his head beneath his pillow to drown it out but found he was stuck, his legs were tangled with Sirius’s under the heavy red quilt. He sighed contentedly, running a hand over Sirius’s bare chest. They’d not gone further than removing their shirts while snogging, but god , did Remus want to. He’d waited far too long for this.
“Mmh.” Sirius rolled onto his back and squinted up at Remus. “Oh good, it was real.”
Remus snorted and leaned down to press a gentle kiss on the boy’s lips. “Did you think it was a dream?” he asked softly, a hand still resting on Sirius’s chest.
“I’d hoped it wasn’t, but I’ve had a lot of dreams that started like that, so…” Grinning, Remus rolled on top of him, kissed him again. And again. And again and again until he wasn’t just kissing Sirius, he was breathing Sirius.
“What a way to wake up,” murmured Sirius, cupping Remus’s face. He grinned, blushing, and buried his face in Sirius’s neck.
“Happy birthday, Sirius,” he whispered.
November 3, 1977
Dear Diary,
I’m in love with Remus Lupin.
November 3, 1977
Dear Diary,
I’m in love with Sirius Black.