Work Text:
All Too Well
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You saw him, and while you couldn’t see beyond the mask you knew that energy. You’d spent hours studying the way the force moved around him, and your heart clenched. You were bombarded with a feeling of loss, and a torrential rain of regret.
Of all places, you had to see him here. You could tell he’d noticed you too from across the hangar because he turned and stared dead at you. You two locked eyes- or as well as you could with his helmet- and time stood still. Two frozen people in a hangar full of movement. You were painfully dragged back to the past- to when you’d first met.
He’d been assigned to you as part of his Jedi training. You were a princess and he was a Padawan- and the stars couldn’t have been more crossed. In spite of it all, you’d found solace in each other- and something else. Something about him was cold, but he felt like home. He actually had a sweet disposition under it all and you’d become intertwined in a way that had left indelible marks on you.
His dark eyes and chocolate hair that always was swept away from his face by your gentle hand.
The way his voice sounded as he would sing you the Alderanian songs his mother had taught him as you got lost within the palace gardens.
The way he fit into your life like a missing puzzle piece- his warm olive skin stark against the cold red leaves he pointed out to you on walks through the forest in autumn.
You remembered every second spent with him as you spent that frozen moment fighting back tears under his intense gaze.
You remembered being allowed to enter the city, sitting in the passenger seat of the speeder, and the way he’d almost hit a pedestrian because he’d been staring at you. You were harshly pulled back and you were there- you could practically feel the wind in your hair again.
You remembered when you met his mother- your mother, the queen, had allowed his family to visit for life day- and she’d shown you holograms of him when he was younger. You remembered the way his cheeks had reddened as she’d told stories about him and his life before he’d met you. You’d remembered sneaking away with him- and the way he’d kissed you before he’d said that his past was in there but his future was with you. The way the moon had shone as you’d danced in the empty kitchen after you’d missed a ball due to being sick.
You remembered him meeting the king- your father, after the latter had returned from an expedition. All the humble self-effacing jokes he’d charmed your father with as he’d drank his tea. The way you’d watched him smile like he was a celebrity on a talk show.
You also remembered the way he’d left you angrily when you told him your mother had found a suitor. How you’d told him you weren’t sure either of your parents would let you do what your hearts wanted. You remembered him leaving you in the charge of one of the guards, saying he needed to go into town- the very same day as your birthday celebration. You remembered your father watching you fight tears as you’d watched the door. The way he’d told you your birthday was supposed to be a celebration.
You remembered him writing you a letter a week later, saying he’d been called back to the temple, only for him to return 3 months after. You’d tried to intertwine yourselves again but something had broken, and you knew it was dead when he’d snapped at you for telling him you’d loved him, because he could never admit exactly what it was. He’d returned just to break you like the promise he’d made you that life day- his promise of forever. And he’d kept you like a secret from his family and mentor, but you’d kept him like an oath- like the pledge you’d made that same winter night; the night he’d made you his own under a blanket of stars and sleeping lights. He’d taken back all his things aside from one tunic, one that you still kept in the drawer of your barracks room, even now.
You’d tried to become yourself after that, but you’d never really found it. Every time he’d crossed your mind like he’d crossed his arms around your chest as he held you, you’d broken down. You remembered his final goodbye, when his Skywalker blood made you bleed too. The way he’d said if only things had been different.
Before you could stop yourself, his name had slipped from your lips in a whisper, like a silent prayer to the years that had passed since you’d last felt the way his aura intermixed with yours.
“Ben”
As if he’d experienced this all with you, he crossed the hangar quickly, sending people scampering away. He came to stop in front of you, towering as he always had, hands clenched into fists.
“Officer,” he spoke, the modulator hiding the voice you could still remember, deep as the ocean and smoother than silk, “Follow.” It wasn’t a request as you followed being him, heart filled with a mixture of longing, despair, and nearly gone love. You’d forgotten him for long enough to forget why you had to. He led you to a conference room and as soon as the door had closed behind you he’d turned around, practically ripping the hemet off of his head. His dark eyes were tortured, and the tears threatening to pool told you it was partially your fault they were there.
“Who sent you.” It wasn’t a question, his voice was choked.
“No-one,” you replied, trying to keep your voice level, “I joined the first order as a pilot after I’d been told you died,”
“The boy whose name you said out there? He’s not me. He’s dead,” He looked away, jaw clenched, “I’m a commander now. I control my life and I don’t let other people command it,” you knew exactly what he was referring to- the catalyst of this all. The day you’d been assigned a suitor.
“Well congratulations,” you couldn’t help the venom that laced your words, “And I’m a soldier,” You stared at each other for a moment before you spoke again, “I have a question for you.”
“Then ask it, before you waste any more of my time,” he replied viciously, voice clipped and barren of any positive emotion.
“Did it bruise you- did it maim you too? Did it hurt you the way it hurt me? Do you even still remember it?” Your voice was quiet- a whisper. Your eyes were prickling with tears and you tried not to cry.
“I remember it-“ he finally spoke and you could hear the emotion in his voice, “All too well,” He swallowed thickly and you felt the tears begin to run.
“Do you remember that Life day? The way the snow fell around us?” You asked before you could stop yourself, “How it shone and landed on the trees like a soft white blanket? Because I do. I remember the purity of the snow, and the promise you made me,” it was your turn to clench your fists and you let out a quiet sob. He stared at you, and swallowed again. He stood, shaking his head and heading to the door.
“The person who made that promised died when you were told he had,” he spoke it loud enough for you to hear before he replaced his helmet, “Dismissed, officer,”
You watched as the man you once loved vanished out of the blast doors with a swish of his cloak and you wiped the tears. You knew it was long gone, and the magic had faded long ago, but your heart broke the same way it had with that very first goodbye. You watched him go with the same eyes that had watched him go with the same eyes that had read the letter telling of his death. You cried the same tears too.