Archive of Our Own ^beta

Felix is a star.

Is it cheesy? Yes. But does it make sense to Chan? Yes.

But there really is not a single word that Chan can use to describe Felix other than he’s a star. It was an admiration at first. Felix was a bright kid, and he’s not just talking about his ever present bubbly personality. No. Felix seems to be full of knowledge about things, especially about stars too, unlike the other kids in his grades who do not talk about anything else other than Gundams or Final Fantasy. (Don’t get him wrong, Chan joins their conversation most of the time, but it can get really tiring and boring sometimes especially if repetitive.) 

Back to the point.

Okay, “full of knowledge” seems to be an overstatement, because how knowledgeable a six year old could be about the vast space? But Chan’s never met someone who shares the same fascination as him and he’s more than glad to teach Felix anything he wanted to learn.

Felix is a star because he burns bright. And as Chan grows old, the list of why’s seems to grow too. He’s a star in a way that he glows in a room full of people. There are times when he’s down. Dull. But he’d still smile at you reassuringly that he’s okay, he’s going to be okay. Felix’s presence demands attention whether or not he intended it. You’ll see him across the room and look for him in a crowded place.

And Chan loves stars.

And he loves Felix.

They were kids when they started the not-so meaningless promise- naive and undeniably young. It’s back when Chan didn’t mind rolling on slightly damp grass or slipping through the thick bushes of the forest almost everyday just to catch some big beetle he saw. Back when Chan did not bother to wash away the scent of sun lingering on their skins and the little black patches of dirt covering their legs and arms (and on some occasion, their own faces).

Legs swinging back and forth while preventing the popsicles they were eating from melting on their hands, Chan looked up at the sky from where he was sitting on their back patio. It was a hot summer of ‘09, and summer means the stars are much more prominent than any other time of the year, at least in Chan’s point of view.

“That one looks so bright!” Felix exclaimed beside him, arm stretched outward to the night sky and Chan’s gaze followed where he was pointing. “What’s that called?”

Chan hummed for a moment, thinking deeply. “That’s Sirius. Its' name means 'glowing'. It really upholds it, doesn’t it?”

Felix grinned beside him and nodded. “That is so cool.” There was a silence between them as they happily ate their ice creams, hands sticky from the melted treat. And then, “Let’s travel space together!”

Chan glanced at his best friend. Travel? Well he supposed there’s no harm in that. “Like the Little Prince? Sure.” Chan nodded, but then made a face. “How can you take a bite out of your ice cream and chew ?"

Felix furrowed his eyebrows, eyes filled with confusion as if what he's doing is the most normal thing ever. "What? You don't eat it like that, Hyung?" 

"Of course not. You're supposed to let it melt in your mouth." Chan said, watching Felix take the last bite out of his ice cream. "See? You've already finished it and I'm not even halfway through mine.”

Felix looked at him expectedly. 

“I’m not sharing.”

(He did. and Felix coughed every two minutes that lasted for about an hour.)

🌌

Even 8 years later, as they were walking home after stopping by at the nearest 7 Eleven place to buy some popsicles, Chan looked beside him to see Felix taking a bite out of his popsicle, a cough following soon after. 

Though it didn’t stop like he had expected it to and Felix had to stop walking to cough, his right elbow over his mouth as his other hand that was holding the popsicle was extended away from him.

Chan stopped walking and turned around to look at him, eyebrows furrowing. “You okay there, starlight? That sounded bad.”

(One.)

Felix finally stopped coughing and looked at him with wet eyes, groaning with his hoarse voice. “Ah, I think I’m coming down with something?”

“Mhm, you should rest. When’s the last time you skipped school? You’re probably overworking yourself.”

Felix quickly caught up to him, linking their arms together as they continued walking along the rather vacant street. “You’re the last person I want to take advice from about how to stop overworking.”

“Ah, bub, why are you so mean?” Chan whined and pretended to take away his arm from Felix’s, which only made the younger one giggle and took his hand instead. 

“Mhm, I’m sorry, hyungie.” Felix smiled. “But I can’t skip school, I’ve never skipped school this past year. And I have to accompany you and Minho hyung to your study rooms!”

Chan grunted, finishing the last bit of his ice cream before throwing it at a nearby trash can. “What did I tell you? We can do it! You still have one more year to go before you take CSAT. If ever, Changbin, Minho, and I should be the one worrying.”

“And you are.” Felix stuck out his tongue and Chan did the same before laughing. Felix swung their intertwined hands back and forth between them. “I just.. I don't want to fail, I guess? I really wanna attend university with you .”

“Felix,” Chan huffed. “I told you, you can’t always just follow me! Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind that. But I don’t want you to be astray at what you wanna do and what’s beneficial to you.”

“Hyuung,” Felix teasingly huffed back, rolling his eyes. “Have you not been listening to what I said? I want to attend uni with you.” Felix lightly jabbed his tiny pointer finger at Chan’s chest on every word. “Seriously, I really do want to get in with you there. And not just you, I want to go there because Changbin hyung and Minho hyung are going. Where Sungie, Jinnie, Minnie, and Innie are going.”

Felix turned to faced him and Jesus fucking Christ. Chan wanted to scream. Because Felix always looked pretty, but there was something about him that just glows when he was talking about the others. He used to beam and his eyes had this twinkle shine in them that mirrored the stars above them and the one on his cheeks and he always had this huge smile and Chan is.. he’s just so in love and Felix was ethereal and Felix wanted to be wherever all of them are gonna end up.

The worst thing about it is that Felix didn’t even know how much whatever he did affect Chan. He just continued tugging on his hand and humming a Louis Tomlinson song as if Chan’s heart was not about to present itself to Felix right then, and he was such a silly little thing.

Chan voiced that thought out. “You’re such a silly one.” He sighed, and Chan couldn't help the growing familiar feeling of fond brewing in his chest.

Felix pouted, lips puckering out and Chan didn’t even fight the urge to peck him, so he did. And Felix just blushed and Jesus . “Stop that, hyung! I’m trying to be mad at you for calling me a silly one.”

“You are, though.” Chan patted his head with his other hands, Felix complaining that his hand was sticky. “You’re smart. All of you are. You all won’t have trouble getting in.”

“Mhm, I hope so.” Felix nodded. “Thank you, hyung.”

Felix gave him an exaggerated kiss on the cheeks with a just as exaggerated mwah! and Chan was the one who had to laugh and complain about it being sticky.

“Ah, really.” Felix smiled and he looked like he was about to start skipping. “You’re the best, hyung. God, you make me feel giddy. I love you.”

“I love you most, little one.” Chan said in English, relishing the blush that he got out of the younger one.

“No, that’s cheating! You’re supposed to say ‘I love you more’ so I can say ‘I love you most’.” Felix pouted again and Chan nearly believed that he was just asking kisses at this point. 

“But I do love you most, though, don’t I?” Chan asked, stopping right outside of Felix’s building’s gate and leaning against the wall beside it.

“Yeah, you do.” Felix leaned on his tiptoes and Chan closed his eyes to savour the feeling of the younger’s lips on him. It was short and sweet and Felix pulled away far too soon for Chan’s liking, but he supposed the grin he got afterwards is worth it, the stars above them making the younger’s eye shine.

Chan loved him most. 

(Chan still does.)

(Later that night, when Chan had finally settled on his bed, not laying down just yet because of his still wet hair, his phone notified him that Felix had sent him a picture.

He tapped on the notification that quickly led him to the picture, which was a blurry yet still noticeable photo of the night sky, a little star near the corner shining just a little bit brighter than the others.

starlight 💫 

look how pretty !!

02:07

buff boy loml ❤️

its blurry ㅋㅋ but yes it is :) 

y arent u asleep yet?

02:07

starlight 💫 

??? irrelevant

but you know what's prettier hyung? ;)

02:07

buff boy loml ❤️

...

i cant believe ure using an old pick up line at me. 

first page of the most basic pick up line book at that.

02:07

 number 2 probably, right below the stretch-put arms around your shoulders move. right above the there’s something on your face-kiss move.

02:08

starlight 💫 

u talk sm hyung 

just answer it !!

02:08

buff boy loml ❤️

fine

whats prettier than the stars lix?

02:08

starlight ⭐️ 

snu’s acceptance letter 🙂

02:08

buff boy loml ❤️

u literally just texted me ur temperature u r NOT going to school tomorrow starlight.

02:09)

🌌

Shortness of breath.

It's the first symptom that Chan had noticed, although he had no idea what it was back then. 

Felix was anything but a frail kid. He was far from weak. The boy knew his martial arts really well (maybe too well. Chan still thinks about the time Felix got suspended because of it), and his stamina was something that Chan is afraid to rival even if he himself is in the swim team.

The first time he mentioned it was subtle. He and the rest of the group were in a cafė, lounging around. Changbin, Jisung, and Jeongin were playing with a console on one corner of the room while Hyunjin and Minho were solving a puzzle together on the far end of one table. It was peaceful, as much as Jisung and Hyunjin were yelling most of the time; Chan was with them and that’s what all that matters.

Felix had taken a manga to read when Seungmin decided to join them, and Chan watched fondly as they talked among themselves animatedly. Felix was grinning and nodding, looking at the manga opened in his hands but making no effort to actually read it as he was too into Seungmin’s story. It was after Seungmin had made him burst out laughing when Chan noticed it again.

(He had no idea what danger it meant. The same way he did with the coughing.)

(Two)

Head thrown back, Felix started with his little high pitched giggle before it transitioned to his deep laughter, left eye squinting first. Seungmin giggled as well and continued telling his story, and Chan frowned. Felix's laugh had not even lasted for five seconds but he was.. sort of heaving. He was like sighing, but more subtle. His chest rose slowly as if he was taking a deep breath before exhaling it as a quiet sigh.

When Seungmin finally left to bother the bickering duo at the end of their table and Felix was finally continuing the manga he was reading, Chan gently nudged Felix's feet with his and lowered his voice. 

Felix's eyes met his, and tilted his head in confusion. Chan reached out and played with his boyfriend’s fingers.

“You alright?” Chan had asked, feeling every ridges on the other boy’s fingers. “You sound out of breath.”

“Yeah, m’alright.” Felix clarified, clearly out of breath, as if he was catching it every sentence he spoke. He cleared his throat and grinned. “Who knows? Channie, in case you didn’t know, after all these years we’ve been together, I’m still hopelessly in love with you. Gosh, can’t my boyfriend steal my breath no matter how long we are already?”

Chan rolled his eyes (although he could feel the blush creeping up from his neck to the tip of his ears and Felix certainly didn’t miss it as well, judging by the cheeky grin he gave him). “I’m the bigger sap here, stop stealing my brand.” 

Felix had laughed again (and sighed heavily after, again ), though his eyes softened when it landed on Chan’s concerned expression. 

“Channiee,” he whined. “Seriously, I’ll be fine. I’ll tell you if something’s up, okay?”

🌌

(The second time they acknowledged it was not as good of a memory. It was when Chan, Changbin, and Minho decided to spend their lunch break watching the youngsters' gym class. They were running laps, and again, Felix was not a frail kid.

One moment Felix was laughing as he ran past a whining Jisung, and the next moment Chan had found the two of them outside the gym in a secluded area, Felix heaving in breaths and having to ground himself as he lay a tightening grip on Chan’s shoulder as Chan tried to calm his breathing down. Tears welled up inside Felix’s eyes as he hurriedly shook the inhaler Chan didn’t know he started using.

It’s the first time Chan had sensed something was worse than it seems.)

🌌

"Hyung is like the moon." Felix said, laying down at his back and just staring at the moon above them, the January air’s chilliness slightly making their noses and ears red. 

Chan lay beside him. "Why’s that?"

"I don’t know. It’s because you bring light, I guess? Everybody looks for you and loves looking at you. And everyone admires you even when you're not in your fullest."

(Chan's face felt warm.)

(He blamed the cold.)

He looked beside him to see Felix's eyes were closed, looking soft and peaceful wearing the hoodie he stole from Chan’s closet while laying on Chan's blanket at Chan's backyard. 

Chan. Chan. Chan’s. His.

No matter where he is, Chan always finds Felix beside him. It's a habit he picked up on; seeking for Felix and his hand whenever he feels overwhelmed, whenever he feels like he's floating away and needs someone to ground him. Chan thinks he probably should stop that. It's making him too dependent.

He did it anyway and he slightly smiled when Felix interlaced their fingers.

Felix opened his eyes. "Oh, and Sungie said that when a person dies, a new star is born." 

Chan snorted. "Alright then, do you want to bet on where Leonardo Da Vinci is among them?" Chan joked and Felix laughed at that, so full and so warm and Chan's heart feels the same. "That's so dumb, why do you listen to him?"

"It's a good thought, though!" Felix giggled.

His laughter soon abruptly stopped and he erupted into a coughing fit, sitting up with Chan in tow, already patting and rubbing circles on his back.

Chan clicked his tongue, yet continued to pat his back until his coughing ceased. "I told you to go see a doctor, didn't I?"

Felix gave him a grin and looked back up and shrugged. “Soon. Mom’s getting concerned as well.” Chan frowned. He can’t help but notice the way Felix seems to catch his breath everytime he speaks and it worsens every time he has a coughing fit. Silence fell over them and there was another cold breeze, Chan’s hand still not moving away from the small of Felix’s back. 

Chan looked up at the sky and sighed upwards. The sky looks endless, with white little dots around them. “I want to travel to space.” Chan said. “There’s just so many things to see, but so little time.” He said after a beat.

"I wish I'd be a star." Felix said it so quietly, so small, that if anyone else that isn’t Chan was there, no one would be able to catch it. 

He didn’t question it. It had always been a silent promise that they made since they were young and Chan has no idea what they’re promising, and he doubts Felix knows too. But in some ways, he likes the idea of it, of travelling the space together and not knowing how long it will take. Forever sounds cheesy, but Chan doesn’t know what else to call the longing feeling he has. Forever by Felix’s side sounds nice. 

Chan reached out his hand and caressed the other boy's cheeks, lighty tracing the freckles to try if he can somehow feel them against his fingertips; so maybe he'd finally be able to tell its difference from Felix's normal skin. 

He smiled fondly. "But aren't you the whole universe already?"

(Felix smiled, and then he looked away and took a big breath before sighing, repeating it every five seconds. Chan swallowed the lump on his throat).

🌌

Chan angrily threw his pencil down on the table in front of him, the led messily dropping bits on his unfinished homework. He rubbed his eyes and tried to listen to the sound of rustling papers around him. He was in a private study room at some fancy study café that Changbin's family owns. If he focused enough, he could make out the slight sound of highlighters gliding across papers or the sound of sketches from the other students next to his stall. Glaring at the multiple Maths formula in front of him, he fished his phone out of his bag’s pocket. A nice little break won’t hurt, especially after looking at his timer that reads he’s been studying for the past five hours straight.

channie hyung

what stall r u all in

bicep boi

oh i went home

channie hyung

dude

TRAITOR

bicep boi

i literally spammed u

QUOKKA🤟

by home do u mean HOME home or somewhere in the sleeping rooms here

bicep boi

wouldnt u like to know squirrel boy

min 😾

im next to jisungie’s

min 😾

stall 24

seungmo 💪 

it’s one in the morning

seungmo 💪 

idk about you but some of us need sleep and u guys better go home now before hyunjin drag us all out of bed to drag all of u back to ur houses

Chan immediately closed his phone once the buzzing started, probably the others awakening as well and joining (or worse, Hyunjin actually waking up).

He got up and stretched, slightly shivering as the cold air hit his exposed stomach for a second. He quietly opened his stall’s door and got out, tip-toeing until he closed the glass door of the room. 

He finally released a relatively loud yawn when he was out in the hallway, hearing a tongue clicking behind him as he did so.

“Keep it down.” Jisung giggled behind him. “What are you, a hippo?” 

“It’s fine. Doors’ sound-proofed anyways.” Chan said mid-yawn and giggled, putting his arms around Jisung’s head and bringing him close. He rubbed his face against the younger one and hummed contentedly. “My Jisungie, you’re so warm. I’m freezing inside my stall. I can steal you for a bit, can’t I?”

“Get off!” Jisung whined, lightly tripping a bit when he tried to squirm away. Chan put his head closer and Jisung giggled. “Are you dumb? There’s a blanket inside your locker.”

“Nuh-uh, there isn’t.”

“Yeah-uh!” Chan looked at him weirdly and Jisung stuck out his tongue. “Whatever, I saw there was a blanket there earlier.”

Chan pressed the button of the elevator and waited for it to open before ushering Jisung inside first. “Yeah? And what are you doing snooping inside my locker?”

“Wrong. I saw Felix stopped by earlier when I was about to snoop- I borrowed a calculator, by the way. Anyways,” Jisung stepped outside of the elevator when they arrived, also shivering at the cold air  and making Chan inched closer. “I helped him stuff it inside. So if you opened it and a blanket came flying to your face, you know why.”

“So you were snooping!” Chan accused. “And why didn’t you just.. you know, gave the blanket to me instead of trying to force it inside?”

“Oh.” Jisung made an o shape with his mouth. They quickly made their way inside the cafeteria right beside the locker rooms, huddling together to get some sort of warmth as Jisung picked out a plastic cup for his Americano. “Okay, there’s no excuse for that one. But! The calculator. You can’t blame me. You can’t be mad at me! You wrote, ‘hannie, i know you’ll need it’ at the front! I know that you can’t resist me.”

Shuffling to the locker room, Chan made his way to his locker and sure enough, a blanket immediately fell from inside it when he opened it. A packet of gummy worms dropped and Chan couldn't help the smile forming on his face at the ‘good luck bubie ! ^♡^’ written on a post-it taped to it.

“That’s adorable.” Jisung cooed beside him. “By the way, Hyung, are you still up for the cuddle study session? I’m cold and the blanket seem warm.”

Chan fondly rolled his eyes. “Hurry and get your stuff. Meet me at the open study space on the third floor.”

Jisung let out a (cute) sound of approval and dashed for the elevator, not before giving Chan his empty cup and told Chan to “Get me an AA, please, hyungie!”

Chan shook his head and immediately got the coffee done, holding everything in one hand as he called Felix’s phone with his other. 

Felix picked up at the third ring and Chan smiled again when he heard the light grogginess of Felix’s voice.

“Hey, bubbie.” came Felix’s tired voice.

Chan’s voice softened, pushing the elevator button again to fetch his things back in his stall. “Love, hey. Sorry. Did I wake you?”

“Mmm, s’fine. Missed you, though.”

“Miss you too, bub. You alright? How’s the doctor's appointment?” Chan asked, stepping out of the elevator when it dinged and stopped on his floor. There was silence for a few seconds without Felix responding. “Lix, love, you okay? I can hang up now so you can go get some rest. Just wanted to hear your voice, to be honest.” Chan said bashfully.

“Huh? Oh. It’s alright. What did you say?” Felix yawned on the other line and Chan could hear him trying to muffle it.

"I can hear you yawning, you know?" Felix let out a grumble and Chan chuckled. "Seriously, go back to sleep. I just wanna say thank you for the blanket and the candy."

Felix seemed to perk up at that and in a livelier voice, he said, "Oh! You got it? Didn't Jisungie and I did a good job?"

"Sure did. I mean, I retrieved it and left with no injuries on my face when it fell."

Felix laughed on the other end before yawning and Chan leaned on the glass window overlooking Seoul's sky. "Honestly, baby, go back to sleep. Just wanna talk to you for a bit cause I miss you. Tell me about the doctor's appointment once you wake up."

There was a pause again and Chan assumed that Felix had fallen asleep already, but when he listened closely, there was the familiar sound of Felix controlling his breathing. "Yeah, yeah, sure, bubbie. I'll talk to you later, yeah? Don't overwork yourself please or I'll text Hyunjin."

"God, please, don't-"

"Lix! Dude, what's up!" Jisung suddenly shouted, Minho towing behind him. The latter sighed. "Sung, I swear to God, stop creeping up on people." 

"Woah," Chan exclaimed. "Min, glad to see you alive. What brings you out?" he asked.

Minho quickly greeted Felix before shrugging. "Words travel, I heard there's a comfy blanket going around."

"Yeah! Lix, it's alright if we steal your boyfriend's body heat for a bit, right?" Jisung asked.

Felix laughed again, "Yeah, sure, why not? Just leave some for me and you also owe me whatever cuddle thing you guys are doing."

"My word is yours, my love." Jisung blew a kiss.

 "Alright, I'm gonna go now. See you guys tomorrow. Love you, Chris."

Chan blushed. "Love you most." Chan whispered, smiling when Felix playfully grunted again before hanging up. 

"Gross. I'll take the blanket, we'll wait for you at the study hall."

Chan nodded and gave Jisung his Americano before the two went towards where the elevator is.

Chan quickly and quietly went inside his stall to gather his materials that he'll need. Just as he was about to swing his backpack on his shoulders, his phone vibrated once again and he opened it. 

Felix had sent him a picture. His hair's a mess and he was laying on his stomach, cheeks squished up as he laid it on his pillow. Chan spammed him a bunch of heart emojis just before closing his phone, but not before he saved and set it as his wallpaper.

(min 🐱 sent a photo

min 🐱

cant believe my baby got stolen from me earlier by chan

dogs and squirrels shouldnt go together but why are they so cute?

they promised to study and they went ahead and cuddled and fell asleep

my jisungie…

hyune 🦙

'MY jisungie'??

since when

jisung's mine

buff boi 

do u want me to send the video of u and jisung almost getting into fistfight jin?

QUOKKA🤟

stop using me and claiming me as a way to flirt with each other i dont want anything to do with it pls

chikcen dud 🐣

THAAT SHOULD BE ME.. HOLSING YOUR HAND

seungmo 💪

who r u jealous of exactly

chikcen dud 🐣

both 😔

i dserve to be in a jisung-chan sandwich rn

QUOKKA🤟

i mean if chan hyungs up for it ;)

chikcen dud 🐣

ooh ;)

i am fawk 🦊

…

first thing i read when i opened the gc and its that)

🌌

Despite what Chan said, they didn’t talk about it until Jeongin’s birthday party. 

Looking back, Felix had always found a way to avoid the subject whenever Chan brought it up. And Chan should’ve sensed that something was wrong already. If only he did, maybe they could have prevented it. Could have put a stop to it.

It was after Jeongin’s birthday and their post-final exam party, after everyone had passed out with alcohol breath and limbs tangled together in the living room. Chan had wanted to join them, with Felix pressed on his chest as they lay on the floor with the rest of their drunken stupid friends. 

But at the same time, he didn’t want to leave his place. He and Felix were sitting with both their feet up on the couch, Felix sitting in between his legs and back against Chan’s chest. Felix had confessed before that he was having trouble sleeping. He had complained that his back ached whenever he slept anywhere that was not on his bed, and Chan’s so gone, okay? Of course he would stay up until his boyfriend fell asleep.

With Felix playing with Chan’s hands that were draped on his shoulders, he rocked them back and forth, clearing his throat up every few seconds as if suppressing his cough. “Something wrong, bub?” Chan asked.

There was another long moment of silence before Felix quietly answered. “Thyroid.”

He said it too quietly and Chan frowned. “Hm? Can you repeat that, little one?”

Felix cleared his throat again, inhaling deeply. With a louder voice, but still not more than a whisper, he repeated. “Thyroid. They found something in my thyroid.”

Chan had tensed up, unsure of what to do. “Y-yeah? What was it?”

“Well, they haven’t found it.” Felix meekly shrugged. “But I think that’s what’s bad. I don’t know. They said they’ll look through it again since there’s an anomaly but, well, they can’t detect what exactly is it. Though, they said I was showing signs of something.”

Chan hugged Felix closer to his chest and Felix leaned his head back on his shoulder. “It’s nothing bad?”

“Honestly? I don’t know.” Felix sighed. “I also don’t know if I want to know.”

Chan exhaled shakily. “I- I don’t.. I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry.”

Felix lightly hit his arm. “Stupid. You don’t have to say anything.” Felix hummed, contentedly. “You’re here with me. I’ll be okay.”

After a few more minutes, Chan was beginning to fall asleep when he heard a sniffle, and he panicked for a moment thinking it was Felix. But then he heard Felix softly shushing someone up and he opened his eyes to see Jisung's face buried on Felix's thighs, shoulders shaking. Chan was about to ask what was wrong when Jisung spoke up.

"Don't leave us, Lixie. You can't leave us." Jisung cried. Felix shushed him again, and although his own voice was wavering, he reassured the older. "You know I'll never leave you."

Maybe it was the chilly air because of the open window, or maybe it was because of how uncertain Felix sounded when he promised Jisung, but Chan felt cold all over.

(Felix later pulled him to his feet and they joined the others on the big bed in the middle of the room that was made up of what Chan assumed was every blanket and pillows the Yang family owns. Laying beside Hyunjin who was cuddled up on Minho's side, Chan laid down with Felix's back still against his chest and Jisung was finally asleep with dried tears on his face on the crook of Felix's neck.

Chan's heart warmed up.)

🌌

There aren’t that many regrets Chan had in his life so far, but if he was asked what’s the biggest one, it was the fact that he didn’t urge Felix to follow up on that appointment. He was concerned as he was getting really frail and thin. Felix had always been a small guy, petite and just the right fit, but he was also afraid that he would come off as too protective. Too nosey. Felix is his own person and Chan trusted him to know his body. He was already gonna turn nineteen next month. As much as he wanted to meddle, he always stopped himself.

(Three.)

Of course the group knew about whatever finding it was in Felix’s thyroid (that was still undetected) and they were all painfully aware of the differences it brought up on Felix. Physically, at least, because at the same time, Felix was still Felix. He still laughed out loud with Jisung’s antics, frail hands still massages Changbin’s shoulders even though it was not as powerful as it was before- still their Felix. The Felix they knew.

It was when Changbin turned twenty-one, of course as extra as the Seo family was, they had thrown him a huge (also fancy) birthday party slash post graduation party for Changbin, Chan, and Minho at some hotel. The actual celebration and embarrassing speeches had been done, and so was the dinner, and now the drunken businessmen and their fathers were somewhere in the hotel absolutely kicking ass at noribang while their wives opted to chat at a nearby cafė instead, leaving the kids at the actual reception.

Chan was laying back with the birthday boy himself at one of the tables, sporting a champagne cause, in Changbin’s father’s words, why the fuck not.

Chan was probably so red in the face from how hard he was laughing at Seungmin’s antics on the little stage (and from the alcohol), when Changbin whispered a, “Hyung.”

Wiping his eyes from the actual tears that gathered from laughing so hard, he turned to look at him. “Yeah?”

Changbin hummed, watching their friends mess around and dance. Then, “how’s Yongbok?”

“What do you mean?” Chan knew what he meant.

“You know what I mean.” Changbin quietly said.

Someone’s voice cracked and Chan couldn't get himself to laugh with them. “Honestly.. I don’t know, Bin.” and just like that, Chan felt like he had quickly sobered up. “He’s like this.”

He tipped his head towards the stage, where Seungmin, Felix, Hyunjin, and Jisung were dancing to Minho and Jeongin’s duet of Dancing Queen by ABBA. Felix was laughing as he danced with the others, not in the right beat nor where they were in sync with each other, but they were having so much fun, nonetheless.

“One moment he’s heaving and gasping for breath, the next he’s like this.”

“He didn’t eat earlier, hyung.” Changbin had confessed, brows tight in a concerned expression. 

Chan knew what he meant. Again, “What do you mean?”

“He literally barely touched his food. He’s so skinny, Hyung. I literally fitted my whole hand around his wrist the other day.”

Chan let the information sink in. Of course they knew how skinny Felix had been, it was very obvious, but this is the first time someone’s brave enough to point it out.

“I don’t know what to do, if I’m being honest, Bin.” Chan exhaled shakily. “I tried to talk to him about having himself checked, but he says he’s fine.” Chan glanced at Changbin. “Don’t give me that look, of course I don’t believe him, but I also don’t want to come across as too pushy. Too bossy. That I’m telling him how to live his life.”

“It might be chronic, though, Hyung.” Changbin said.

“You don’t know that.”

“Yeah, because he refused to get a check-up.” Changbin snapped and they both fell silent immediately afterwards.

The song ended and the kids clapped for a moment before the familiar intro of Thorn by Buzz played and cheers erupted as Minho apparently took the lead of the song.

“I’m sorry.” Changbin and Chan both said at the same time, looking at each other before bursting out laughing. As they calmed down, Chan watched as Minho sang his heart out, the youngsters making up fanchants as the song went on.

“It’s alright, Hyung. You’re not at fault.” Changbin patted his hand. “No one is. I’m sorry for snapping at you.”

“It’s fine.” Chan quickly reassured. “You’re frustrated, I get it.” Chan smiled at him and was about to open his mouth when Hyunjin and Felix came running to them.

Felix was breathing hard (as always) but so was Hyunjin, so he didn’t bat an eyelash to it. The two propped their chins on each of Changbin’s shoulders as Felix reached out to hold Chan’s hand.

“Hyuung,” Hyunjin had whined to Changbin’s ears, making the older man dramatically jerk away from him. Hyunjin laughed and pulled on his arm as Felix did the same to Chan. “You’ve done nothing but watch us. And we need help because Minho hyung has been hogging the mic.”

Chan laughed as he easily slung his arm around Felix’s shoulder, pulling him close and placing a quick kiss on his temple. He quickly glanced at the stage where Minho was clearly struggling to even stand straight. Chan chuckled. “Yeah, and you need all the help you can get to haul his ass back to his house.”

“His parents are here! Why do I need to do it?” Hyunjin pouted.

“Hwang Hyunjin, have you got no shame?” Changbin clicked his tongue, putting Hyunjin into a light headlock. Hyunjin pretended to choke. “Are you really gonna bring your potential in-laws' son while he’s drunk and expect them to tuck him in?”

“Shut up! Can’t we all just crash into someone’s house?”

“My parents’ are gonna go straight out of town after this so they won’t be home. You can crash at our place. I’m sure they won’t mind considering you guys realistically sleep there almost every damn week.” Felix shrugged and Hyunjin cheered again.

Changbin grinned. “You sure? No golden gaytime you and hyung need to attend to?”

Chan groaned and Felix pressed his own heating face to Chan’s neck. “Get your mind out of the gutter, Bin. Thank God it’s your birthday.”

(A week after Changbin’s birthday, Chan was preparing to go back to their dorms when his phone rang. Felix’s caller ID showed up and Chan immediately answered it, since it was nothing new for Felix to call him late at night, or early morning in this case, especially whenever he had trouble falling asleep.

“Bub? What’s up?” Chan asked, balancing his notebooks before dumping them to his study table.

“Chris?” Chan stopped dead in his tracks.

“Ma?”

Chan felt his body run cold, it was the middle of the night and Felix’s mom contacted him directly from Felix’s phone. Surely, there’s no way-

“It’s about Felix. He passed out and won’t wake up, we’re on the way to the hospital right now. Can you come?”)

🌌

Minho and Changbin were the first ones to arrive the following day, seeing as the campus’ dorms were closer to the hospital than the others’ houses. 

Chan saw how shaken up they were. Who wouldn’t be, when your best friend suddenly called you non stop at three in the morning to tell you your other best friend is currently rushed to the hospital? Chan sighed, eyes watering and the two of them quickly went over to his side.

“That was fast.” Chan quietly laughed, voice wet.

“Yeah, well.” Minho sighed and glanced around. “You fucking scared us. Where’s aunt and uncle?"

“Sorry, I was just as scared as well, didn’t know what would happen.” Chan rested his head on his palm and rubbed it. Sniffling, he said, "They went out. Couldn't take it."

“Couldn't take what? Is Felix okay?” Changbin finally asked after some time, always being the one to ask brave questions. “Hyung.”

Chan glanced up to see Changbin's eyes watering as well, and he quickly pulled him into a hug. "Bin. Binnie, Felix's fine. Right now at least. Don't cry."

"At least?" Minho breathed behind him. "Jesus, hyung, what the fuck is going on?"

Chan finally pulled away from Changbin, willing himself not to cry. "They finally found what's wrong with Felix."

"What's wrong? What is it?" Minho frowned, growing impatient. "Hyung, breath."

Chan shaked his head as he cried again, sobs escaping from his lips. Minho was holding his hand encouragingly as Changbin laid his head on his shoulder.

"Ca.." Chan took in a breath. "It was cancer."

The thumb that was rubbing his knuckles came to a stop and he heard Changbin whimpered beside him, Minho exhaling a shaky "fuck" under his breath, the grip on his hands tightening.

It took a while before any of them talked, trying to process everything. The waiting room was as quiet as it could be, there were monitors beeping in the distance and Chan wondered where Felix was, trying to listen to the rhythm of the beats. Trying to see if he knows Felix’s.

"How.. what? I don't understand." Changbin wiped at his face. "Cancer? How?"

Chan had finished crying, resting his head against the wall and looking up at the plain white ceiling ahead. It's not what he's used to. He's used to a warm body pressed close to his, the smell of grass- the night sky; not the blasting of the air conditioner that makes him want to curl up nor the smell of sterilization nor these boring tiles. 

He's used to Felix.

"It was.." Chan cleared his throat when he felt how dry it was, his thumb now fumbling with Minho's knuckles instead. "Was originally a thyroid cancer. Hereditary, the doctor said, but it went unnoticed for some reason. And the cancer spread to his lungs and became meta.. meta-"

"Metastasis." Minho cut him off. Chan looked at him questioningly and Minho smiled sadly at him. He whispered. "I care so much about him as well, you know? I was worried. I just didn't want to assume the worst."

"Meta huh?" Changbin asked. "What does that mean?"

Minho shrugged. "The cancer spread to his lungs, that's all I know." Minho paused, and looked at Chan with nervous eyes. "Did the doctors say how bad it was?"

That seemed to bring Chan to tears, and seeing Chan like that as well as the heavy feeling of uncertainty started making Changbin tear up again. Chan fell into Minho's waiting arms. "Th- they.. said it- it can no longer b-be controlled."

Minho took in a sharp exhale and closed his eyes, forcing himself not to cry. Changbin looked confused between the two of them, yet already crying. "Stop talking medically, God. What does it mean? Why's hyung crying? What's gonna happen to Yongbok?"

"Yongbok's.." Minho cleared his throat, although his voice was tiny and breaking, eyes watering. “His days are numbered.”

🌌

"Why didn't you tell us sooner, hyung?" Changbin asked when all of them calmed down, although Chan can still feel them shaken up. Everything felt tense. The air seemed stale.

"I just found out earlier as well. Called you as fast as I could."

They had moved to the hospital's lobby when Felix's parents came back to the waiting room on his floor. Felix's mom was crying again when Minho and Changbin had hugged her, and even if they didn't want to be selfish, the three of them were too sensitive at the time to be in her presence.

"Cancer.. what the fuck." Changbin shaked his head. "It happened to him of all.." 

Changbin pressed his lips into a thin line, not continuing.

Three cars went past.

"Are we gonna tell the others?" Minho asked.

"Of course." Chan answered immediately. "Not now, though, I don't think so."

"They deserve to know as soon as possible." 

"Yeah, but they didn't even know Felix was taken to the hospital." Chan argued. 

"The sooner we tell them, the better. I.." Minho cleared his throat. "I can sit them down and talk to them. Explain."

Chan looked at him with unsure eyes. "Are you sure?"

Minho smiled. "I trust you to take care of Felix here while I take care of the others."

Chan nodded and silence took over again for a minute

"Oh man, Jisung's gonna cry like a baby." 

Chan let out a wet chuckle.

Minho cleared his throat again. “Does Felix already know?” He waited for Chan to respond and when he was given a brief nod, he finally asked what he had been curious about. “How did he react?”

Chan laughed again, and Changbin had his hands wiping at the older’s face already before Chan even realized that he started crying again . “Fucking ridiculous, honestly. He.. Haha.”

Chan sniffled and wiped the tears using the sleeves of his hoodie and he paused. It was Felix’s favourite, the one he kept stealing. He stole it so much that it started smelling like him, and Chan bit his lower lip to muffle the sob he knew he was gonna let out.

“D’ya know what he said?” He looked at the two before shaking his head in disbelief again. “We were stunned silent.. No one said anything and Ma just kissed his forehead when he was already laying down in his room before bursting out of the door. Felix still didn’t say anything.”

Chan’s tears kept falling, and the two patiently waited until Chan could speak up again. “And then he held my hand, and I just.. Cried. And fuck..” Chan sniffled and looked up at the ceiling. “He fucking asked me if the rest of us will be okay.” Chan choked out and Changbin let out a sob as he buried his face on the crook of Chan’s neck again, wetting it with his own tears. Minho sniffled and tried his best to quickly dry the tears that were quickly falling from his own eyes, not able to keep it in anymore. “He’s fucking dying, and the first thing he thought about was us.”

🌌

As expected, the group burst out into tears when Minho told them, and their first visit to Felix’s room was full of tears and sobs. Jisung was almost heaving from crying so much as he hugged Felix as tightly as he could without hurting him.

When two in the afternoon had rolled around, Minho and Changbin had managed to pull -a still crying- Jisung out of Felix’s side and into his feet, making him come with them to buy lunch for everyone.

Seungmin and Hyunjin were passed out sleeping on the chair that was on either side of Felix’s bed, head laid down next to Felix’s as the boy slept with them. Chan turned his head to look at Jeongin who was sitting on the couch next to him, chin resting on his hands.

He ruffled the youngest’s hair, successfully pulling him out of his zone.

“Ah, hyung.” Jeongin whispered. “What is it?”

Chan pointed at Felix. “Haven’t seen you come close to him today.”

“Oh.” Jeongin frowned, rubbing his neck. “Yeah. I’m just scared.”

“Of what?”

Jeongin didn’t answer for a while, seemingly pondering something as he stared at Felix’s body. Felix stirred slightly, only to move his head closer to where Hyunjin’s was. It caused Seungmin to wake up, all alert. And after he glanced around and saw that there was no emergency, he silently took Felix’s hand with his before laying back down, falling asleep again immediately.

Chan was about to let the topic drop when Jeongin spoke again. “I’m scared that.. what if.. This is the last time I ever get to hold him? Hug him?”

The youngest’s voice was shaking and so was his hands.

“Well, it’s up to you, you know? Whichever you’re comfortable with.” Chan patted his back assuringly. “Do what you think you’ll regret less.”

Jeongin looked at him and nodded, head falling to rest his head on the other man’s shoulder.

(They piled up and gathered their belongings as the nurse reminded them that visitation hours are almost over and Chan stood up and stretched, ready to see them off until they had boarded the bus. 

Chan got to stay as Felix’s parents had listed him as a family member already, in which Hyunjin half-heartedly complained to. “We are family too,” Hyunjin quietly pouted and Felix’s mom laughed as she pulled him into a hug. 

“I know that, love, but if I listed all of you then where would you sleep?” She lightly pinched his side and Hyunjin squirmed into her hold. Hyunjin just giggled before hugging her back tightly. They each said goodbye to Felix and promise him they would come back, to which Felix smiled and nodded.

As the others slowly piled out the room, Chan waited until everyone was out. But Jeongin remained standing, bag clutched to his hand. He was looking at Felix and said boy raised a curious eyebrow.

He suddenly dropped his bag and ran towards Felix’s side, gently hugging him after making sure that he was not messing up Felix’s wires. Jeongin rested his chin on the other’s shoulder, leaning his head to the side until it gently bumped with Felix.

“Innie,” Felix gasped out, and Jeongin pulled away quickly, looking at him with worried eyes.

“Hyung, sorry! Are you hurt anywhere?” He asked, scanning his face and his body and his wires, but Felix had silently laughed and held his hand. 

“‘M fine, don’t worry. Just surprised.”

Jeongin didn’t hesitate to throw his arms around Felix again, this time with Felix weakly hugging him back. He missed it already. The feeling of Felix’s arms whenever the older boy tightened his hug and moved them back and forth. As he felt the tears sliding down his face, Jeongin closed his eyes and whispered to the older boy quietly. “I love you, Felix hyung.”

Felix reached out and patted his head softly. “Hyung loves you more, Innie. Remember that, okay?”

Jeongin nodded, shoulders shaking as he cried his heart out.

Felix still had not cried.)

🌌

As days went by, even with the machinery to help supply the needed oxygen his body needed, Felix had found himself struggling to breathe more and more. It gets so bad to the point that even speaking takes a lot of effort and oxygen already. And soon enough, sentences turned into phrases, until he could only nod his head yes, shook his head no, or let out one or two words.

It broke Chan’s heart completely even more, especially seeing his lover frown from frustration whenever he can’t interpret with his body what he wants to say. Over the next few days upon discovering Felix’s struggles, they developed a system to easier tell Chan what he needs. 

Conversing with Felix was hard, because the boy could no longer answer questions that weren’t answered by yes or no, so Chan took it upon himself to keep them both entertained. He put on television shows or movies Felix loved and watched with him, commenting every now and then with a, “Don’t you agree?” to keep Felix involved. He put on Felix’s favourite songs or sang it to him, sometimes even breaking into over-exaggerated performances just so he could see the smile Felix would give him afterwards. He rant to him about his college professors, how college sucks, how hard his subjects are, and Felix listened to all of them. He may have stopped talking, but it didn’t take away the fact that he was still a good listener. He smiled at the right time, frowned whenever Chan ranted about that one kid in his class, even raised his eyebrows whenever he felt like teasing.

And amongst all of that, Felix could still say one word.

“Chan,” Felix had croaked out, and Chan immediately whipped his head from his laptop screen to his boyfriend’s bed.

“Yeah, bub?” Chan asked. “Do you need anything?” 

Felix nodded his head once.

Come here.

So Chan stood up and went to his side, intertwining his fingers with Felix’s now boney ones. Felix simply tilted his head to look up at him.

Chan didn’t need words.

He leaned down and pressed a longing kiss to his boyfriend’s forehead.

🌌

(“Chan,” Felix whispered again, one night. Chan turned to him and smiled, “Yeah?”

Felix smiled back, albeit little, but Chan’s heart thumped all the same. “Chan.” Felix said again, smiling.

“Felix.”

“..Channie.”

“Lixie.” There was a tiny giggle that erupted from Felix, and Chan couldn’t help but smile as he rested his head on Felix’s bed by his side, head facing towards his boyfriend.

“Chan.” Felix said, looking at him. He opened his mouth and Chan waited for Felix to finish. “..love.”

Felix pouted and Chan gave him an encouraging smile, making him smile back. Felix looked at him again, clearing his throat. “Love.. you.”

Chan hid his smile by burying his face in the mattress, feeling Felix softly pat his head. He stood up quickly and placed a peck on his forehead. 

“I love you most, bub.”)

🌌

Extreme uneasiness happened when Felix started sleeping more when the last week of October started. It started off as innocent, Chan letting Felix get all the rest he could get and figuring he must be tired. It may not look like it, but having shitty lungs would do that to you, he figured.

But then Felix started sleeping for twelve hours straight and staying up, at most, for just two hours. 

Chan started feeling cold when he realized Felix could not wake up on his own unless someone else woke him up.

🌌

It was a particularly cold night in November, and one look at the night sky was all it took for Chan to excitedly wake Felix up.

The boy had been asleep for nine hours already, but Chan sighed in relief when he woke up almost immediately. Upon the disoriented look Felix gave him, Chan smiled and caressed his face, whispering, “stars are out.”

He patiently waited until Felix was fully awake, before rolling his bed slightly to the window. Thank God the wires were long and the window was near. He watched fondly as Felix’s face lit up at the realization because the stars were out . Not just a few specs here and there, but it was as if they were actually looking at the whole expanse of the universe.

“Chan.” Felix said quietly and Chan’s heart still skipped a beat. “Sir..ius?”

Chan kissed his knuckles and pointed at one of the brightest. “There he is. Isn’t he-”

“Bright.” Felix smiled and Chan grinned at him.

Felix continued to stare at them in silence and Chan continued looking at him, both of them just taking everything all at once of what they’re observing.

Bright. Beautiful. Constant.

“You can sleep looking at them, don’t worry. If you get sleepy, I’ll be right here.” Chan pushes Felix’s hair back out of his face. “Sorry, but you won’t probably see them for a while, the view in the other room does not do this enough justice.”

Upon mentioning it, Chan had looked around the room to see what more he should pack. Felix was to be moved to a room near where the nurses’ main desks are for easier access after too many close call incidents. Chan smiled at him apologetically, “It doesn’t have a first class seat to see the universe but, hey, we’ll travel it together anyways, right?”

Felix smiled at that, nodding. “Travel.”

“Okay, Mister, you’re speaking a lot tonight.” Chan pointed out, surprised but happy and Felix lightly shrugged. “But don’t overdo it, okay? I can do the talking if you want.”

Felix shook his head. “Thank.. you.” he whispered, and Chan tilted his head in confusion. “For what?”

Felix nodded once at the stars, it took him a while to say it, but then he simply said. “Everything.”

“Of course,” Chan answered immediately. “It’s because I love you, you know?”

He has to leave him?

Felix’s first tear comes with the first drop of the first snow of the year. And as soon as it started it just started pouring.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Chan rushed to his side, increasing the oxygen level in his tank like the nurse told him to and rubbing Felix’s shoulder. “No tears, now. Come on, it’s bad for you.”

“Channie..” Felix whispered, voice broken from overusing it after not using it for a long time. “Thanks.”

Chan kissed his temple. “I love you.” He whispered. “I’ll never get tired of saying that.”

“Finally.” Felix let out a single chuckle, smiling at him as cheeky as he could. “Chan.. I love..” he cleared his throat again. “..you.. most. ”

🌌

The next morning, Chan had woken up earlier than he normally would to prepare everything they needed to move. 

It didn’t take that long seeing as it was only three rooms ahead, and the nurses had informed him that the machines were already set in Felix’s room. Chan had his day planned out already- wait for Felix’s parents since they’d be helping with the move, go home to Felix’s house for a few hours to check on the kids, shower, and sleep before coming back to the hospital to watch over Felix again.

Chan had woken Felix up the same time as he did, getting his boyfriend and his stuff ready to move to the room. 

“You’ve been awake for quite a few hours now, haven’t you? It’s been three hours.” Chan smiled, and Felix nodded at him, blinking slowly for a few times. Chan’s eyes softened. “You do look a little bit droopy, though. Hang in there, okay? We just need to move you real quick and you can go back to sleep. It’d be quick, promise.”

Ma

At the entrance!! Otw up :)

9:58

Chan looked up from his phone to see Felix already staring back at him. Chan gave him a tight lipped smile and raised his eyebrows before taking his hand in his. It seemed.. smaller then. It always had been small and Chan loved teasing him about it. Loved holding his hands and felt his own hand engulfing the smaller one, because in a weird way, it felt like Felix was the one protecting Chan. But his hands at the hospital were frail and light and cold. And Felix was just looking at him intently and Chan felt the coldness passed to him too.

“Yes, love? Do you need anything?” Chan asked as he felt another squeeze to his hand. Felix just looked at him expectedly and Chan squeezed back again.

“Your parents texted me. They said they’re at the entrance now, about to take the elevator.” At the mention of that, Felix’s eyes widened and Chan felt the faint brush of Felix’s pinky on his hand. “The others are still at your house and said they wouldn’t leave until they’ll come visit you hopefully tomorrow. Your mom had been letting them crashed to the place these past few weeks.”

The grip on Chan’s hand became tighter at that.

And it was sudden. So sudden.

There was no change in Felix’s breathing pattern as he continued heaving in air like he  always did for the past month. There was nothing that indicated that something was wrong. The only thing that was slightly new to Chan is the hint of the familiar glint in Felix’s eyes. Familiar, because it always had been there and at the same time new, because it’s been so long before he last saw it.

And as soon as it came, it was gone.

And the last thing Chan remembered was the sharp inhale of his boyfriend on the hospital bed, the feeling of coldness seeping through his own fingertips as the hand he was previously holding lost its grip on his, a content smile on Felix’s lips before he closed his eyes, head lulling downwards. And it took Chan a few seconds before he frantically pressed the button to call the nurses repeatedly.

And then it was a blur. He was ushered out of the room when he tried to follow the nurses, just in time for Felix’s parents to step out of the elevator door. Hurried steps, minutes passed of chaos happening inside the room, and Chan was still frozen in place as he and Felix’s parents watched the nurses’ shoulders slumped down, the doctor putting his head down. Chan had watched as she put the stethoscope back into her neck, sheets getting put over Felix’s head, and then the loud and clear announcement.

“Time of death: 10:03 A.M.”

He just stood as the cold deserted hallway suddenly was filled with the wails of Felix’s mom as she fell to the floor and Chan.. just stared ahead, feet still glued to the ground. He mindlessly turned his head to see Felix’s father– another father figure that Chan looked up to the most, the man who carried them both when they were children–, slumped down on the waiting chair with his face buried to his hands, shoulders shaking violently.

Chan looked back inside the room. He didn’t dare look at what was happening on the bed, but what he could clearly see across from him was Felix’s bag packed away neatly at the chair near the bed, the stuffed bear that Chan gave him when he was ten sat on top of the bag, resting on the wall as its head was tilted to the side and beaded eyes staring right back at Chan.

Numbness almost immediately crawled all over his body as he scrambled out of Felix’s mom’s hold that he didn’t even notice he was in, quickly making his way to the bathroom and locking the door as he fumbled to get his phone out of his sweatpants’ pocket.

He pressed a random contact number from the kids’ and waited with a shuddering breath as they picked up on the second ring.

There were multiple voices and a series of greetings from them and Chan’s mind was too blank to figure out who’s who as they fought over who's gonna speak, and suddenly, Changbin’s voice rang loud, excitement obvious.

“Did Felix move rooms successfully? Can we visit tonight instead?”

Chan felt his legs give up and he fell on his knees on the dirtied tiled bathroom floor. And Chan finally felt himself let go as fat streams of tears rolled down his eyes and a sob finally forced his way out of his throat. 

“H-hyung?” a small voice rang from his phone.

“F-Felix.. he.. I-I.. he’s..”

And then he can’t stop. The phone in his hand fell from his grip and onto the hard floor. Chan could pick up voices from it still and someone was already crying and Chan just cried harder. Heart wrenching so hard it felt like it’s about to crawl out of his chest and Chan felt like stabbing himself to numb the pain because nothing can be more painful than this.

Nothing can be more painful than losing Felix.

With uncontrollable sobs that kept falling out of his mouth and tears streaming down his face nonstop. Repeated no ’s and Felix kept spilling from his lips as he screamed his heart out. Not caring that he can probably be heard all over the floor now. He picked up his phone with the little strength he still has, pressing it tightly to his ear, still sobbing.

“F-Felix’s.. He’s..” He tried to speak, only to sob again. “Fe.. Felix’s gone.”

The phone dropped from his hand again and he could pick up the sobs from the other line even without the speaker on. Chan felt dizzy and he felt like he’s about to throw up as he finally let out months worth of frustration and pain. Chan had expected this to be painful, but the pain is so excruciating that all he can do is scream and sob.

His best friend. The boy he had grown up with and had been in love with since he was young to know what it is. The boy who was standing next to Chan in every picture when he was a kid. The boy who was still standing next to him as Chan pictures out what his future would look like, and all the outcomes in all of his imagination, Felix is there. The one he had set his heart to spend the rest of his life with.

Chan had expected that he’d get up from this dirty floor and come back to the room with Felix waiting for him, but the realization of going on with everything starting from now without Felix is something that made him fall down again.

“N-no.. no, no, no. No. C-han hyung, what do y..you mean?” Hyunjin’s voice perched up and Chan picked up his discarded phone again.

“His.. h-his body gave.. gave out al-ready. Fel.. Felix left us.”

🌌

Chan shakily stepped out of the Grab, silently thanking the driver. The man in front, albeit confused, gave him a reassuring smile and Chan nodded and thanked him again before closing the door.

Standing on shaky legs in front of the all too familiar gate, Chan was taken back by the sudden wave of familiarity and pain and memories that rushed through him, painfully looking to his side where he expected a figure would be. Even at the lobby or the elevator and, hell, even at Felix’s hallway, Chan could name numbers of events that happened in those places. Nights of taking Felix home from their dates, of helping Felix sneak out for a sudden late-night 7 Eleven run held by the group, of rushing back to his house from school during lunchtime because he forgot his assignment. Stepping inside the house and on the foyer, Chan looked down at the various mess and mismatched shoes that were scattered throughout the floor. No one left the Lees’ house that day and usually, the place would be filled with cheers and laughs as seven more teenage boys crash the night, but the unusual silence overtook the house when Chan stepped in.

The kids were.. a mess. No surprise in that. Bloodshot eyes greeted him when he stepped foot to the living room and his heart ached even more as expectant gazes still bore onto him only to water again upon realizing Chan came home alone.

Jeongin, the ever tough youngest, was the first to rise to his feet from his place at the living room floor to flung himself to Chan, and suddenly Chan found himself crying again along with everyone. 

Jeongin was heavily crying on his shoulder as Chan held him tight, now afraid to let go. Jisung came up to him next as the younger pushed his way to Chan’s other shoulder and sobbed. and Chan really needed this. He really needed the feeling of being needed, because the only thing that can ground him right now are those who are left behind.

Changbin was on the couch, lips pressed against the necklace Felix gave him on his birthday with his eyes closed, non stop tears streaming down his face. Hyunjin and Seungmin were nowhere to be found and Chan made a mental note to check on them after the two youngest were somewhat comforted, hoping that they were at least together somewhere in the house. Minho was standing against the wall and staring straight ahead, face clear with no trace of tears but lips quivering and jaw set tight, his chest heaving as he blinked back the tears that were threatening to fall every now and then.

The once loud house was silent, only to be replaced and filled with sobs for a missing voice among them.

Much later into that night no voices were still heard. Hyunjin and Seungmin finally came back to the living room minutes after Chan’s arrival.

No one’s asleep yet, other than Jeongin, and the younger ones seem to huddle closer together in the living room. They were watching something on the television with the volume way too low for them to properly understand what’s happening, but everyone seemed out of it, anyways. Jisung was combing through Jeongin’s hair that was on his lap, the younger finally dozing off after Chan found out that he had not slept for two days now out of worry and Seungmin was on the floor actually trying to pay attention to what they were watching with Hyunjin.

All of them had the same look,-red eyes and noses, and cheeks that were slightly swollen. Sniffles are heard every now and then, and random bursts of tears out of nowhere from at least one of them every once in a while. 

Chan walked to the kitchen to fetch a drink only to find Changbin there, chin resting on his hands as he spaced out. He was staring blankly at the counter his arms were resting on that he didn’t notice Chan sitting up on the stool next to him.

He was snapped out of his thoughts when Chan placed a hand on his, glancing at the older boy. They both looked at each other before Changbin’s lips quivered again, eyes quickly welling up before new tears wash over his face.

“Ah, look at that.” Chan wrapped an arm around Changbin’s head before pulling him onto his shoulder, the other one trying his best to suppress the sob coming out of him. “Felix is probably making fun of you right now.”

Changbin cried harder, tone whining. “I don’t care. So be it.”

That’s where Minho found them and he silently just moved his way to the cupboards to make them all some hot chocolate, knowing how much the other two don’t like caffeine.

“Where are the others, Min?” Chan asked when Minho placed the four steaming cups of hot cocoa in front of them. Changbin was sniffling quietly now, and that was the only sound that could be heard throughout the kitchen.

Minho sat on a stool across from them and lightly pointed with his head at the direction of the living room. “Passed out, finally.”

Chan breathed a sigh of relief at that, before noticing Minho fidgeting with his fingers, a habit he picked up on growing up when he’s anxious about something.

Chan tapped a finger against Minho’s, like he always did. And Minho tapped back. “What is it, Min?”

"Where's aunt and uncle?"

Chan sighed. "Dealing with the paperwork. They said we can stay for as long as we want."

Minho nodded, and when he seemed still tense, Chan askeed him again what's wrong.

Not even a beat passed. “What was he like? Before he.. you know?” 

Chan took a sharp inhale at that and heard Changbin sighed exasperatedly beside him.

“Hyung, not now.” Changbin choked out as he pressed his fingers against his eyes and Minho was quick to reply again. “Please, I just..” There was a very obvious waver in his voice, but neither Chan nor Changbin mentioned it. “I just want to.. to know? I don’t know. I just want to know how Felix.. left.”

Changbin buried his face in his arms, shoulders shaking as Chan took in another deep breath before clearing his throat. “He..” his voice cracked and he cleared his throat again. “He held my hand. Really tightly.”

Minho just kept looking at him and Chan clenched his jaw tight, remembering the details as his vision blurred again.

“I.. I told him that his parents were, uhm.. were arriving. And he..” Chan felt a squeeze at his hands and he squeezed back, a faint sense of deja vu stirring in his chest. “He smiled. Like he was.. content. He was just staring at me before I told him his parents were coming. That you guys are waiting. And he held my hand tightly. As if..” Chan gulped. “As if he was just waiting until I’m with someone. Until I’m not alone.”

Chan had started sobbing again, “The.. the thought..Min, I’ll never see him again.” He sobbed harder. “I’ll- I’ll never be able to touch him again or- or.. Or see him. Or- no one’s gonna wait for me to come home from Uni. No text messages. I’ll never hear him laugh or make him laugh again. I won’t hear his voice. Won’t hear him say I love you.”

“I can keep saying his name repeatedly, but I won’t be able to hear him say it back anymore, Min.” Chan bit his bottom lip hard enough that it drew blood, but he didn’t care. “How am I supposed to live without him when all I have known, literally, in my whole life is him ?”

There was a hand now cupping his face as Chan sobbed harder. Minho finally moved to their space, his other arm wrapped around Changbin’s head who was now hugging Minho’s middle as the boy continued on crying and Minho’s other hand wiping at Chan's tears.

He whispered. “Just let it all out, hyung.”

And Chan did.

(Much later into that night, when the lights were finally off and everyone’s gone to bed, Chan made his way to the stairs. He hadn't gotten any sleep, as expected, and was about to drink water when he paused right in front of Felix’s door just before the staircase.

And he did pause right before it every time he passed by, contemplating whether he should go in or not, but this time the door was slightly ajar and Chan quietly peeked through it.

There was a figure that was hunched over, sitting on Felix’s bed and Chan briefly wondered if he was hallucinating, but one step was all it took for the figure to look back at him and Chan sighed out of relief.

“Hyung,” Minho chuckled and Chan went inside and locked the door, moving further into the room and sitting right beside him. Chan looked down at Minho’s hands that were shaking as it gripped a framed picture of Minho and Felix, the one on Felix’s bedside table.

“Hyung,” Minho said again and his voice wavered and Chan finally looked at him properly, heart breaking more at the sight. 

Minho’s eyes were puffy, face completely wet from the tears that wouldn’t stop flowing down his face. Chan opened his arms and Minho didn’t hesitate to lunge at his arms. Unlike the others, Minho cried as silently as he could, still thinking about the others even if he was hurting so much already. Chan’s eyes teared up again.

“Hyung, I..” Minho sniffled. “It hurts so much. I..I miss him so much already.”

Chan patted his head. “Just let it all out, Min.”

And Minho did.)

(Once Minho let out a heart-wrenching sob that made Chan cry again, it didn’t stop. The force of his sobs jostled their bodies and Chan just held him tighter, hearing Minho’s cries of Felix’s name into his neck.

Beside them on the bedside table, Felix’s favourite mug was perched on top of it, untouched  and filled to the brim with steaming cocoa as Minho’s sat next to it.)

🌌

And there’s a gush of wind that flies by and Chan closes his eyes, hands reaching beside him involuntarily for comfort only for him to retreat it back. If he stays still enough, or quiet enough, he swears he can still hear that all too familiar laughter. Can still feel the warmth radiating next to him.

Eyes wide open, Chan’s quietly looking up at the sky wearing the same hoodie Felix stole from him a year ago at the same spot. Laying on the same blanket and watching the same sky at the same spot in his backyard. He hides his hand in the safety of the pocket of his hoodie, still holding the note tightly in his hands. 

He stares up ahead and hums a song he heard on the radio just earlier, trying to count the stars as useless as it may seem. Up ahead, a lone star shines brighter than the others, just right below Sirius.

He moves slightly, and there is a sudden crunch from the pocket of his hoodie. Reaching out to it with shaking hands, he finally retrieved the paper that's slightly crumpled.

It's a letter.

Felix's letter.

He had found it when he retrieved Felix's copy of The Little Prince, tucked away safely beneath the pages. Chan had broken down when he first saw Felix's handwriting of his name, because he knew.

He had been putting it off ever since, but not leaving the letter and going with it wherever he goes. In case he has the urge- the bravery- to finally open it.

And so he does.

Chan,

I don’t know what’s gonna happen, or, I think we both know what has happened if you’re reading this. I mean, if I’m not gone and you’re reading this, then that’s just embarrassing, no?

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for leaving you so soon and like this. I’ve no way of knowing when but I can feel like it is soon, I’m writing this just in case I’ve got no energy left to continue. Everyday goes by and I find it hard to even speak. Is it too early to say this? By the time I’m writing this, I can feel my breathing worsening each day. But I’ll try to make it less obvious to not make you worry, okay?

I’ve got to go now. I’ll finish this later. You literally just arrived in the room with a bunch of flowers. You’re such a sap, d’ya know that? Romancing me while I’m in the hospital bed.

Okay, so you finally left. And honestly? I feel kinda alone. But then I suddenly thought about how YOU would feel once I’m gone. Again, cheesy (I’m stealing your brand. Hehe.) but I’m dying so let me have this. 

I’m sorry for the tears stains, by the way. You know how sentimental I can get. It’s just that.. I don’t want to leave you. Ever. But now I’ve got no choice? It sucks so bad and it hurts so bad because I wanted to spend my whole life with you. We’re young but whatever. I’ve known you since we were young. I’m nineteen so whatever, you know? I know what I want. 

I wanna go to college with you and the rest, cram for more tests, drink ‘til you’re dragging me out of wherever after exams. Want to move in with you and watch you become a big producer. Want you to propose to me or for me to propose to you- i don’t care. I know I want to marry you. And we'll finally live in a house and get a dog or a cat or whatever sappy things. Watch our friends get married and get drunk at their reception and tell embarrassing stories about them. I want to live my life with them. I want to live it the most with you.

Then again, I can’t. It pains me to know that I won’t ever watch you do any of those. I won’t be able to watch you graduate and celebrate with you once you make it big (which, I know you’ll be). It’s selfish, I know. But I just can’t help but think. The things I want to achieve and watch you achieve. I think it’s just hitting me now.

I’m so young.. And no matter how many times and how long I’m preparing myself and I’ve long accepted it, but.. I’m still so scared. I’m only present for about a quarter of your life.. And you’re about to go on with it and I won’t be able to watch you live your life. I’m about to miss almost everything.

 Don’t forget me, please.

Once I’m gone, don’t lock yourself away, okay? I mean, hey, for a few weeks, maybe. If that’s what you really need. But don’t shut the others out, okay? You need them. They need you. You’ll help each other heal. Look out for them, okay? They’re dumbasses. (I know they’ll take care of you too. I trust them to.) And take an extra eye out for Jisung. I just know he’ll cry like a baby. Because that’s what he is. A crybaby. But he’s our crybaby. And I know for a fact that after me, he’s the one you seek out the most. Ji needs someone to take care of him if ever and I know you can’t resist him. You can’t resist any of them.

Thank you for everything. You always tell me how strong I am. Yeah, I heard you speak to me every time you think I’m asleep. How you think I’m so strong. But I want you to know that you are far more stronger than I am. I know you’re being strong for the both of us. For the rest of them. You’re the bravest person I know, Chris. Thank you for giving me hope. Thank you for not losing hope for me when I already have. And I’m sorry for that.

It's gonna be hard, but you have to move on eventually and find someone and be happy again. I mean hey, I’m not saying go find a date the second they lower me to the ground. I’ll haunt you, to be honest. Maybe wait until I’ve got maggots or something. Until you’re no longer in pain, so you won’t hurt yourself or whoever they are. Have them meet me, k? Don’t let your happiness die with me, Chris.

I’ve stayed for nineteen years, have loved you for all those nineteen years and will continue to do so. I hope nineteen years worth of my love is enough for you to feel it until we see each other again. Not so soon, though, as much as I love you. 

I’m sorry for not keeping our promise. I’d be travelling the stars first, okay?

I love you. My life may be short, but it was filled with love from everyone. From them. From you. You’ve taught me nothing but love. The cancer may have taken over my lungs, but your love is what kept me alive and my heart beating all these years. I won't be able to achieve the majority of my dreams but I know I have accomplished my main goal– and it's to be with you for the rest of my life, however short it is. 

I’ll always love you. Even in the after life. Or whatever after is next. 

Let’s grow up together again until we’re gray and old. Next time.

Until the next lifetime, okay, Chan? :)

Yours forever,

Felix.

Chan cannot help the tears from falling from his eyes, not doing anything to suppress his sobs again. The pain is still there, still feels raw as if he’s relieving that moment all over again.

“You little shit,” Chan chokes up, albeit smiling. “Of course I’ll never stop loving you as well. Fuck.”

His heart aches and Chan thinks he can actually feel it throb painfully, and he wants nothing more than just to rip it from his chest. Hot tears slide down his face and he barely breathes. "Fuck," he exclaims, laughing wetly. "Is this how you always feel? Is it this hard for you to breathe all the time?" 

Chan feels like a child again. Like when a branch cuts up the side of his arm or gets a pretty bad roadburn. Chan cries like he was a child again. 

"You were supposed to take your CSAT. You were supposed to graduate with the others." He sniffles. "We were supposed to attend the same university. Supposed to marry you. God, Felix take my pain away, please."

He reaches to his side and closes his eyes, still remembering the feeling of the same small hands making their way to hold his own, still feeling the tickles of Felix’s hair right beside his ear as they lay close to each other and Felix giggles in his ear.

It took him another thirty minutes before he could properly breathe again. Vision blurry and tone a bit nasally, he closes his eyes as tears slide down his temple as well.

"You can sleep well now, my Lix."