Work Text:
I'm upset. Not sure of what, I think I'm upset about everything. This feeling already creeping in for awhile but I think I can now really admit it that I'm upset about everything. His limited time for me, his attention to other people, his caring for his fans, his smiles he always show to everyone, his effort to please everyone, his ultimate hard working self who put his works and fans on top of everything, including me. I'm upset and maybe jealous too. I'm upset and became this annoying.
But the biggest upsetting thing of all probably his sweet interaction to his duet partner, a beautiful solo singer who's rocketing her popularity these days. Their duet project become hot topic everywhere, the song hits number 1 unexpectedly. Magically, he said. So they starting to get busy coming to shows, making contents, doing interviews, guesting on radios to promote their song more as people demand them to sing it live more. Their performance stages packed, from TV live shows to music festivals, from radio to youtube content, they almost do it everyday. And as if it doesn't enough, their interactions on social media become more intense. Liking each other posts, commenting on it, selfie together after finishing schedules together. Also, people encouraging words that push them to date for real.
That's probably the most upsetting for me. I know it well, I just being jealous of it. I just never expect it'd be this upsetting. I feel left out, abandoned, unwanted. While he's being busy with all these promotion activities, I'm curling myself on bed feeling upset about it. Not really capable to say anything about it to other people even to my closest friends, because I'm afraid they would coming at me instead, telling me to endure everything as it is all just his work anyway. But it starting to feel suffocated. Back then I often get jealous of his fans' comments that keep saying how they love him, nearly take him as their own boyfriend, posting about him on their social media as if he's really their boyfriend, many of them. But I can deal with those things eventually, alone. Without telling him how hard it was, but I go pass through it safe and sound.
But this time... as I'm watching how he and her playing games together for another youtube content as they promoting their duet song, smiling and laughing to each other enjoying their time like they are real couple... it just feel suffocating now. It's been 3 weeks of them promoting together and not even once he has time to visit me, to meet me. He still call and text me, but I need more. I want more of him, I'm thirst of him. I never feel this low while dating him, feeling this much of jealousy upon his popularity like this. I don't even know since when my feeling going south like this, but I'm starting to suspicious of everything, especially his closeness with this duet partner of him.
Well she's beautiful and they almost meet everyday doing many fun things together, doesn't my jealousy and suspicion understandable? So if I'm ranting about it later at him... wouldn't it understandable? Well, I'm still trying to not do that, and I'm still hoping I would never need to do that.
But when we finally meet after more than 4 weeks and he still trying to put his fans on top of me... I can't help to throw my silent anger I kept hiding all this time at him.
"Should you really do that now?" I asked after he told me he need to do short morning vlive.
"They told me too."
"You just arrived here, we just met after like... almost two months... Aren't you miss me?"
He still focusing his attention to his phone, getting ready to do that damn live streaming to greet his fans a good morning, not really realizing my upset tone. I guess he too used to me that always let him do that live streaming here in one corner of my house that he's not feeling any hint at all from my voice. A hint that show how upset I am, angry probably.
He just still unbothered, proceed to open that damn live streaming app.
"If you just gonna do that first thing after you arrived here... why wouldn't you just do that somewhere else instead of here?" My voice got raising somehow.
That's when he finally looking up to me, blinking in confused, "But I did this here often already, and you're fine with it."
I'm gulping down and clench my jaw. Ah, why suddenly I feel so tired and angry at him, I miss him though. "Can't you not do it this time?" I asked softly.
"Babe, why you become selfish like that? I'm here for you already, let me greet my fans real quick."
Selfish? Me?
I'm blinking fast but he already starting that damn live streaming. I'm gulping down now taking myself away from him in order to not disturbing his interactions with his fans. Selfish? Why those word sounds so bad on my ear. Am I selfish? I bite my bottom lips. But yeah... I always let him do that, though. So why I feel upset now? That's just his usual thing to do here, I could just wait him finish while preparing some food for him, just like the usual, just like I always do to him. But why now I feel so mad like this? It's just...
I sigh, decided to wait him on my room, laying on my side watching the blue sky from my window. Suddenly I want to be on that day again, when we did campervan date to the beach. Why it feels so old already? The last time we did that is like... 5 months ago? 6 months ago? But it feels like years already passed since then. I miss him, but why I feel like this when I finally see him?
I hear a knock on the door, "Sleep?" the door opened and I hear his step going closer to me. Instead of get on the bed, he's on his knee beside my bed to be able to look at me. "Something happened?" He caress my cheek with his index finger.
I'm eyeing him in silence.
"Tired?"
Maybe I'm just tired.
"Sua, is there anything you want to tell me? Something's bothering you?"
I still not answer him, I don't know what happen with me too right now.
"Why are you being like this?" His voice starting to sounds impatient upon dealing with my silence. I feel it.
He might tired too after all those works, found me acting like this surely testing his patience, right?
"Are they happy? Your fans?"
He blink.
I get up to sit, looking at him at the same eye level, "Your fans happy now that they saw you early in the morning?"
Then he sense it, probably. "I did it often, what's the matter? I greet them good morning and good night often here. You were okay with that, what's the matter now?"
"The matter is I just see you after 2 months, and you prioritized them over me. You met them often in those 2 months."
"You never make a fuss about it, why now?"
"Never make a fuss about it doesn't mean I'm always okay with that."
He blink again, "So you're actually not okay with that and you never tell me?"
I bite my bottom lips, "Forget it." I push him away a little.
"Don't you want to see me? Why are you being like this, really? Something's happened?"
I gulping down.
"Tell me, I'll listen to it."
"No, you're tired, aren't you? You're worked so hard for two months."
He sigh, confused.
"Although you looked like you were having fun working with her." I stand up and walk away from him, I don't even know why I said it. I should've just shut up and endure it alone, like always.
"You bring her up now, okay what's happened?" He said stopping my steps.
I sigh, "I don't know what happened with me too, I just..."
"Me and her has nothing to do other than works."
I lick my lips.
"Sua, look at me."
"I just... all those videos of you and her just... and those interactions you keep giving each other on your social media... your sweet voices that I keep hearing everywhere... just..."
"We're just working together, doing project together, not much."
"I know." I finally looking at him, "That's why I don't know what happen to me, why I feel awful like this? I don't know... maybe I'm jealous of her, of your fans, of other people at your work who can see you often. It's just... frustrating me." I'm gulping down, "Seeing all those comments from people who always saying they love you, freely showing you off on the internet as if you are their boyfriend, while I can't do that... I couldn't even spending time with you properly... while you keep pleasing them and make them happy like that... it's just feel frustrating now."
He's not saying anything for awhile, only looking at me and I don't know why I shed a tear when he's staring at me like that.
"Sorry..." He said still in confuse state, clearly didn't expect our meeting after a long time would turned out like this.
I sob once and looking away. "No, I..." Another clenching jaw, "I think I'm better be alone now, Younghyun. I'm sorry."
"Sua... it's okay, you don't need to do anything, just let me be by your side. I have time."
"I keep feeling mad when I look at you." My tears flowing down more. "I want to be alone." But I miss him, though. This is really... everything feels wrong now. I don't know what happen, really.
"How can I leaving you like this?"
"I'm okay, just... I'd be better when I'm alone for awhile. Let's meet again then."
"Look at me."
I sigh and finally look at him again. He step forward and touch my face, drying it from tears.
"Alright, I'll wait. But please trust me, I have nothing to do with her other than work." I blink, "Also sorry... I should've..." He lick his lips, "I should've not did the live here." He kiss me quick but I stay still, not respond to it. "Call me?"
I still press my lips together.
"Sua, please?"
I nod once finally, that's when he finally stepping away from me, "Don't forget to eat." He said before finally leaving me alone, who still not saying anything.
Crying for more instead, alone. Why this feels so awful? What happen to me actually? But he's Younghyun. He understand people so much, he understand what people feel, he understand me. And he do what he has to do moderately, send me text in the middle of the night, an audio attached, without really force me to listen to it immidiately. But I do anyway.
I press the play button and listen to it immidiately and here comes his voice singing. Very raw so it heavy with honesty, conveying what he feels, of how he understanding this situation happening to us right now. But he conveying his feelings instead of stressing out about the matter, he gives an assurance instead. Looks like he feel that I'm wavering now, but he just want me to know that he loves me the same and he still want to love me the same regardless what I'm feeling right now.
Want to love you more than you love me
Want to love you until you're as happy as I am
Everything inside me, even what I don't have,
I will dedicate it to you
I will love you
Want to love you until you're as happy as I am
And I repeat the audio all night to sleep.
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