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"Yah, don't you think a month is enough?" Dowoon asked while matching his step with me.
"For what?" I fasten my step trying to avoid talking about that spesific matter with him. I knew what he meant but I don't want to bring that topic up.
"You really not gonna tell me why you broke up with him?"
I blinking my eyes and gulping down, gradually slowing my walk, realized that he will keep doing this if I keep run away from him. So I say, "He lied to me many times."
I feel his smirk although I don't see it, "No way. He's the most honest and genuine person I've ever known. Everyone acknowledged it."
"He canceled our date a lot and left me hanging alone many times."
"Well, he must has good and reasonable reasons for that. He always does."
"He only care about himself."
Now I hear his chuckle, "He's taking care of the kids so well, what do you mean?"
"He never considered my suggestions, never took my opinions seriously, he forgot things, careless, too full of himself. Never showed effort to compromise when we were fighting, it suffocates me. And we fought a lot."
More unbelievable sigh heard from him, "Are we talking about the same guy?"
I stop walking then turn myself at him without warning, looking straight to his eyes when he has no choice but to stop his walking as well. "Hm, we're talking about the same guy. Your friend. Your very best friend, the guy you all glorify so much. Him."
I see him smirking still not believing me, "But he's the one taking care us the most. He's the kindest, genuine, most honest person in the team who taking care of us all the most. He would never treated you that bad."
I'm gulping down again, feeling sad because I knew he would say this because he's right. What he just said is right. That's what this guy did to them all this time, but they all don't know what this guy did to me when we're alone. No respect at all, I don't even know why he dated me all this time. To keep his image good? I don't know, and I don't care. He's the all good and respected guy in front of his friends, but sadly not in front of me. He has no manner and not sweet at all. He's manipulative and the most controlling person I've ever met. It suffocates me, 5 months are enough for me to deal with his attitude. I don't want to add another stress to my college life, my assignments already fill up many space in my brain.
I gritted my teeth, "I knew you wouldn't believe me, that's why I kept silence about this. He's your friends, of course you wouldn't believe in me." I turn fast and walk again but he also fast enough to grab my elbow.
"Are you sure it's not you who was too clinging to him?"
I roll my eyes and sigh, "Leave me alone." I shrug my hand off him and continue walking.
"But you are my friend, too!" He scream that before I heard his footsteps closing in me again. "Come on, Minha. Your reasons invalid. He's not that kind of person, you know that. Everyone knows that. If the other kids hear that, you'd be laughed at."
"I don't need validation from you or other kids. Just leave me alone."
"But you guys looks so good together?!" He grab my elbow again to stop my walking.
Ugh. This is starting to annoyed me.
"Ah, stop it! Who's the one went through relationship with him? Me! I was the one who got that ugly treatments from him, not you all! I don't need you to believe what I said, I knew you would acting like this, that's why I kept silence! Now it's up to you, I told you everything. It's up to you to believe it or not! I really don't need your validation about what I'm feeling to him. He was treating me like that without respect, totally opposite with how he is when hanging out with you. But then, so what? He's that kind of person to me, maybe to all his girlfriend before too, I don't know! And I don't care anymore. I don't want to ruin you guys friendship or brotherhood, whatever. That's why I don't talk about this with you. Just leave me alone. Just let me stepping backwards from you."
We're staring and I notice confuseness flashing in his eyes. "What happened...?" He whispered in fear. Now he finally take my words seriously.
But I just sigh, holding my tears to not fall down. Honestly I feel like trash, like I'm unworthy. He made me feel bad about myself, made me believe that I was lacking all this time, made the one who apologized. But a month ago I finally realized, it wasn't me. It was him. And I'm so glad I come to this point of my life now, separating myself from him. Although with all this bruised I carry with me still.
"You hurt...?" Dowoon asked softly again, now he looks extra worried and it just makes me want to cry.
So I turn my head in effort to not let him see my tears that still fall no matter how hard I try to hold it.
"I'm sorry, Minha. Are you okay?"
But I'm starting to sobbing instead so he take me to his embrace silently.
"I feel like trash." I'm completely sobbing right now in his embrace, "He made me feel awful like I'm nothing. I feel like a loser and unworthy of anything. He made me apologize many times when it wasn't fully my fault. He was in fault too, why I had to say sorry all the time?"
I feel his hand moving up and down on my back.
"I feel like a stupid person everytime I'm with him, he made me feel bad about myself while he keep being nice and kind to everyone it suffocated me."
"I'm sorry."
"You're not believe in me, I got it. But can't you at least not put the blame on me and pointing your finger at me again? I want to be free from keep being guilty about everything. I don't want to ruin your brotherhood. He's still your best friend and he still a good person to you. Not to me, but he still a decent person to you and to the other kids, so..."
"I got it." He tapping my back many times to calm me down, "I believe you, Minha. I got you."
I'm crying for more now I don't know what to say anymore, I don't want to lose my friend too. Thank god Dowoon take his time to deal with this now and still trying to make me feel better about it. We're in the middle of the street on the way home from school, though. And it's midday. But he still take his time to look stupid and dramatic like this with me. I really don't want to lose a friend like him.
I take a deep sigh after letting out all the suffocating feelings in me, "Don't hate him, you don't have any problems with him. Just let me hating him alone."
He gets silence.
"I want to keep being friends with you."
"Of course, Minha. Of course. We're friends still, I believe you. I'm sorry for doubting you earlier."
I stop my crying but I still in his embrace and it suddenly gets awkward. Now what? Why he still tapping my back even when my crying has stopped?
I clear my throat, "I think you can let me go now."
"You sure?"
"Yes..." I gritted me teeth and repress my voice, "I feel embarassed now."
He finally let go of his embrace, trying to look at my face but I fast to wipe every single tears on it. But he still touch my cheeks and drying it from tears as well.
"You can tell everything to me now, I'll listen carefully." I look up to him and he give me his soft, most considerate smile of him. I know that kind of smile of him, the reassuring one.
"Forget it." I glance to the ground again avoiding his stare. "It all passed already. Now I'm free." I sigh in relieved.
"Piggyback?"
"I'm not drunk." I smirk at him.
"You cried hard, it took your energy away as much." He already squatting down facing his back at me.
"This is embarassing... in the middle of the day?"
"Not much people around, let's jump on me." He turn his head at me, forcing me with his eyes.
So I do it, just like many times before. He's piggyback me home again just like many times before.
"Now that you free from him, you can lean on me again, just like before."
"I only have you." I hug him tighter somehow.
"Hm, you can make a useful of me all you want, just like before."
"I only have you, really. Thanks."
"I always here for you, Minha. I'm always on your side."
"Shut up. You didn't believe me earlier."
He laughs, "Sorry, not again."
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