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Shinsou sat on the fire escape outside, a cigarette between his lips and a beer bottle in his hand. His eyes stung from tears and smoke, his lungs not holding out any better. Memories of his countless nightmares and panic induced flashbacks filled his mind, desperately drowned out by alternating sips from the can and drags from his cigarette.
"No smoking or drinking before the age of 18 under this roof. After that, you're free to do whatever but do not do it around Eri or I will end you. I trust you to come to me if anything is wrong." Aizawa warned, chucking the 14 year old, and newly adopted Shinsou the keys to the apartment he would be living in. Eri ran into the kitchen, smacking into his legs, hugging them tightly, babbling into his knees about him being her new brother whilst Yamada handed him a much needed cup of coffee.
"Welcome to the family, kid."
"I'm sorry, dad." Shinsou mumbled, taking another sip from his beer. Once the can was empty, he crushed it under his foot, flinching at the sound it made before shoving it in a plastic bag hidden by overgrown potted plants in the corner of the stairwell. There were about ten other crushed cans and countless snuffed out cigarette ends hidden away, all from the view of whoever decided to take a late night walk down the fire escape. Even if there was, they would be out there for the same reason he was. He only hoped it wasn't going to be either of his dads.
Barely a year after being adopted, he had broken Aizawa's rule countless times. He smoked and drank whenever his nightmares or insomnia got too bad for him to handle. One or twice a week he would wait until he was sure the house was completely silent before sneaking out of his window and dropping onto the metal grates and climbing down to his little ledge. Tonight was no different.
The moonlight illuminated the sky with stars he spent a little too much time trying to count and the city below him was alive with street lights and noises of drunk party goers and traffic. Despite the noise, it was peaceful. Most nights, the cold didn't bother him, but he noticed as the year wore on, he spent less and less time outside, even with his hoodie on. Shinsou wasn't sure how long he spent out there, but after going through a minimum of one can and one cigarette, he returned to his bed to force in a few hours of much needed sleep.
He wasn't proud of what he was doing, but he couldn't motivate himself to care. Overall he should be healthy, keeping up with everyone in the Hero Course despite being in General Studies and watching what he ate, but the burn in his lungs and sting of his arms and thighs reminded him that it was all a lie. But other people didn't need to know that. No one needed to know about his late night escapes to his own "private" ledge to forget about his own issues. At least he never went to school with a hangover.
Shinsou lit the lighter again, watching the small flame swirl in the breeze before letting it go. He did it again, then again, almost as if he was in a trance. The heat was barely there, but his fingertips ached for warmth, away from the bitter cold of the Autumn night. Shinsou didn't remember burning his fingers or his arm, but it stung. It stung enough for him to drop the lighter, once again flinching away from the grating noise of plastic against thin metal. He knew the noise wouldn't be heard by any of his parents, but he still whipped his head over to the door which led back inside for a few seconds before continuing what he was doing.
No one ever came. No one ever caught him, so he let himself lower his guard a little. That's when he knew he messed up. Whenever he lowered his guard, something always happened. Something always happened that forced him to rebuild his walls, this time a lot stronger and a lot harder to take down. First it was the bullying when he was young. No one wanted to be friends with the kid who preferred to play by himself or was adamant that he wasn't a girl and deserved to play with the boys and team up with them in gym class. It only got worse when his quirk manifested. Who wants to be friends with a villain? "She'll only take advantage of your kindness and make you get in trouble." Of course everyone believed that. So Shinsou was adamant that he wasn't going to seek out any new friendships. Not that anyone minded.
Then it was middle school. A new school, a new start. But that new start also meant his biological father dying on a patrol and his biological mother turning to alcohol to cope. Shinsou figured that's where he picked up his later habit. He hated her for leaving him for alcohol and leaving him to fend for himself, later leaving him for an entirely different family. This new "family" was no better. Once they found out about Shinsou's quirk they forced him to wear a muzzle in the house. The scars of him trying to scream still stood out against his skin. Things only got worse when they found his make-shift binders under his bed. Being trans, or gay, or anything other than their "normal" was forbidden. That's when the physical attacks happened. At age 12, Shinsou found the best way to hide bruises and cuts and scrapes. Then there were burns and broken bones. All a result of him messing up. Letting his guard down. It always ended in him being injured.
He let his guard down in fights, he got hurt. He let his guard down in class, a teacher would call on him and if he got the question wrong, he was called stupid for not understanding. If he let his guard down now, he could lose the only family who seemed to care about him.
"How long will it take for them to leave you too?"
Shinso didn't want to think about that, opting to light another cigarette and pop open another can from the case. He watched the sun slowly rise, no longer gathering the energy to run back to his room before Aizawa returned from his late night patrols or Yamada woke up to start his shift with the radio station. He no longer had the energy to hide.
--
"You better not be doing what I think you're doing." Shinsou jumped, dropping the can of beer, the cigarette still burning between his lips. His head whips back to the dark figure in the doorway behind him. Aizawa took a step into the light. He took a swipe at the cigarette, pulling it from Shinsou's mouth before throwing it off the stairs. Shinsou, out of instinct, put his arms up to protect his face, expecting a hit. Even when nothing came, he still didn't let his arms down. He was too scared.
"Shinsou. Look at me." Shinsou could feel Aizawa's eyes on him. He had no choice but to look at his father, panicked tears welling up in his eyes. He couldn't hide what he was doing. He wasn't even sure for how long his father had been standing in the doorway watching him. "What are you doing?"
"I- I'm sorry.. I know- I know you made me promise- I know I promised I wouldn't.. I just-" Shinsou started, picking at the loose thread in his hoodie. His fingers burned from the cold and his legs had gone numb. He neglected to put on shoes and socks when he jumped out of his window and now his feet were burning and tingling. He choked on tears, feeling the panic grab at his throat as he tried his best to think of something to say.
"Shinsou. What's going on?" Aizawa asked, walking closer to Shinsou, his hands grabbing Shinsou's arms gently, pulling him into a tight hug. Shinsou held his waist tightly, burying his face in his patrol uniform shirt. He tried not to cry or make any noise but his shoulder shook from holding his tears in. Aizawa rubbed his back gently, the feeling of anger slowly turning to concern.
They stood there silently for a few minutes. Shinso tried not to cry in Aizawa's arms whilst he held him tightly. The sound of the city grew louder as the morning wore on, but none of them moved. They didn't move until Shinso shifted his feet to stop them from sticking to the cold metal which was slowly freezing over with ice.
"Why, Shinsou? You're not the type of kid to rebel for no reason or try to make us mad." Aizawa asked as Shinsou lifted his head to look at him. His eyes were bloodshot and the dark circles under his eyes were even darker. He looked exhausted.
"N-nightmares.. I had a nightmare and when I woke up.. I thought I was back there and I thought I was with them and I had a muzzle on. I couldn't breathe when I woke up and I needed some air.. This-" Shinsou gestured at the beer can and pack of cigarettes on the step. "This is how I cope with everything. I know.. I know I should've told someone but.. I was too scared. I wasn't ready to let them go.."
Shinsou took a deep breath, letting go of Aizawa but kept his forehead against his shoulder. Aizawa remained silent, patting his head gently, hugging him tightly with his other free arm. It didn't take long for Shinsou to start breaking down into tears.
"Hey. I'm not mad at you. We'll figure this out together okay? Like we promised."
"Y-you're not mad...?" Shinsou asked, a little hesitant. He didn't move his head from Aizawa.
"No. Just concerned for you. Now come on. You look freezing and I know you've been out here for hours." He pulled his arm around Shinsou's shoulder, pulling him into the building. They walked to their apartment, the warmth of the room provided an almost painful comfort to a now shivering Shinsou. On the kitchen table, Eri was sitting, coloring on a piece of paper whilst Yamada was in the kitchen, making breakfast. Music from a radio placed on top of the fridge (out of reach from the other three as Yamada was the tallest and forbade Aizawa and Shinsou to play My Chemical Romance on repeat), was playing softly to not disturb the neighbors.
Yamada looked up as soon as Aizawa and Shinsou walked through the front door, his happy smile turning to worry as he placed the frying pan back on the stove before turning it off. Eri, still concentrating on her coloring, hadn't noticed them, only looking up when Yamada spoke up.
"Hey little listener, do you mind moving your coloring into your room for a bit? I'll bring your breakfast in and then we can watch a movie, okay?" Eri smiled at Shinsou when she looked up and waved, seemingly oblivious of the red eyes and tear streaks. She jumped from her seat and ran into her room, leaving behind a piece of paper and some crayons as she left. Shinsou took a quick look at what she was drawing, unable to hide a small smile. It was a drawing of the entire family; Yamada in yellow on the far left, Aizawa in a dark blue next to him, Shinsou in purple in between him and Eri in grey. They were all holding hands.
"Shinsou." He looked up, eyes darting between Yamada and Aizawa, scared about what was to come. Were they going to kick him out? Were they mad and Aizawa only told him that he wasn't mad so he would trust them before they broke the news? Was he going to be kicked out of U.A?
"Pancakes?" Yamada asked, picking up his pan again whilst Aizawa poured some coffee. Shinsou nodded and sat on the table, tapping his fingers on the table. In reality, he didn't want to eat, but he figured he would get into more trouble if he slept through the day.
"Do you want to talk about your nightmare or leave it until later?" Aizawa asked, putting the mugs of coffee on the table and sitting next to him. Ah, that's why Eri was asked to leave. The content of Shinsou's nightmares were not suitable for the ears of a six year old, it was barely suitable for 15 year old Shinsou.
"Now.. I guess. I'll have to do it eventually. I don't really remember it though. I could barely see anything.. I must've been blindfolded or back in that closet.. I couldn't scream either.. the muzzle. It was back and I tried to take it off but it wouldn't budge, just like normal. I couldn't fight back either.. it was too tight and it felt like someone was holding me down. Everything hurt and everything they told me.. the things they said about my quirk and future as a hero all came back and.. I was scared. When I woke up.. my room was dark and going outside was the only escape I had. I didn't want to wake any of you up and risk Eri waking up too. I know she also struggles with nightmares and she didn't need to see me crying. The smoking.. the drinking. I picked it up from my foster home and my mother.. I tried stopping but it was the only.. 'healthy' coping mechanism I have." Shinsou hugged his knees, his chin placed on them.
He could feel his tears, but made no noise. The memories of his nightmares, his childhood home, it was overwhelming. He felt like he was going to pass out. A firm hand on his shoulder stopped him from going anywhere. It kept him both physically and mentally grounded in the kitchen, the feeling of the chair under him and Aizawa's hand on his shoulder kept him there.
"I don't care if you wake me or Hizashi in the middle of the night for any reason, especially if it's because of a nightmare. We will stay with you until you're feeling better and we'll make sure you're safe. You know that, Shinsou. I'm not going to tell you to just stop your coping mechanisms all at once and forget about them because I know it's not that easy, but you'll have a support system with you. Us, as your parents, your classmates in Gen Ed and both 1-A and 1-B love you. They have a bet going on to see if you'll be transferring into class A or B. I know you're struggling Shinsou and I wish I did something before, but we're here now and we're not going anywhere. Take today off and think about how you want to approach this and let us know. I have problem children to teach and if you want time alone, feel free to kick the other two out for a few hours." Aizawa explained, his voice steady and his hand never moving from his shoulder.
Shinsou nodded, taking in all the information. He had no idea how to approach anything but he figured he would deal with that later. "Y-yeah... that sounds good.. Thank you, for all of this."
"Of course. We love you Hitoshi and it'll be okay." Aizawa pulled him into a quick hug, which he greatly appreciated.
"Do you promise?" Shinsou asked, although he knew Aizawa would promise regardless. Aizawa nodded and kissed the top of his head before letting him go.
"I promise. Now eat."
Shinsou didn't feel the need to be told twice.