Work Text:
The water swirled in a circular motion. It followed the wooden spoon with ease, no apparent beginning of the liquid whirlpool, no apparent ending. Up from the spinning water rose a soft haze of warmth, the steam thick enough to feel, but not enough to set off the fire alarm above the stove.
The boy swiped sweat from his brow, glancing at the clock every few seconds. He had gotten really far into cooking the dish, and he hadn’t burned the whole house down, which was about a thousand times better than his first attempt at cooking.
Tubbo really wasn’t a bad chef, he just never quite met the mark. The first few times he cooked he knew it was borderline inedible, but now he thought he could make meals with more ease.
Niki was always really good at making meals; the smells of the kitchen reminded him of her cooking, though his cooking would be nowhere near as amazing as hers. Niki taught him most of what he knew about cooking when he still lived in L’manburg.
Well, L’manburg was ashes now, a crater with scattered debris. Maybe if Tubbo had been a better president the whole thing could have been avoided. Tubbo shook his head clearing his mind, the brown eyed boy looking down to the meal.
Micheal loved his meals. The little piglin would gobble it down and make a mess of his plate, not that Tubbo minded. The real issue was Ranboo. Ranboo never said he hated the boy’s meals, he just never seemed satisfied with them.
Ranboo had been one of the newer cabinet members before L’manburg fell. He was a 6’6 enderman hybrid. Half his face was a dark cold black and the other half was a bright cloudy white. For some reason, even though they were not running a country anymore, Ranboo would commonly wear a full suit and a tie. Thankfully, he did wear other things, mostly his uniform for work. Though that uniform was pretty gross in tubbos opinion.
Oh-and technically Ranboo and Tubbo were married. It was Platonically and for tax benefits. Not that it mattered, but stuff was cheaper, so why not.
The enderian had favorite meals and such, but even when Tubbo made those he remained impartial. The tall black and white colored enderman hybrid would sit there in his weirdly good and bad posture(his back was ruler straight, but his neck would crane down like some sort of giraffe, thinking about it, he kinda was an oreo giraffe, the thought made Tubbo smile).
After a few bites Tubbo would ask how the food tastes. Every god damn time he would respond with. “It’s good Tubbo” or “I like it Bo” Never once had he said it with more enthusiasm than when you get socks from that one aunt for christmas.
After Ranboo had no significant reaction to Tubbos meal, they would talk about how their days had been, how Wilber and Quackity were, maybe Tommy’s most recent act of minor terrorism, but never the meal.
Everytime Tubbo ate with other people he swore at least one person would be eating and say “this is really good” or at least make a face of happiness or disgust with each bite, but no.
Even Tommy would react to his food. He would be blunt and tell him it was gross or that it was good. Honestly His blond best friend would insult his cooking whether it was good or bad, but that wasn’t the point, the point was Ranboo didn’t react.
So Tubbo was going to change that.
Dumping ingredients, rushing around the kitchen, Tubbo imagined he looked like one of those chefs on TV that had a limited time to make something.
Technically he did have a limited time. The oreo boy would be home in half an hour or so, and Tubbo supposed having a warm meal ready right when you got back would add to the wow factor.
Tubbo wasn’t sure why he wanted to make Ranboo impressed so badly. Maybe it was because he was always searching for approval. Tubbo didn't mean to, it’s not like he was trying to be ‘the best’ he just felt like he wanted to make Ranboo proud. In a way it reminded him of his time as president and before the fighting. He wanted to do good for those around him,
And apparently right now, tasty food was his way to do it.
He turned off the burner and checked on the sandwiches in the oven. The oven was not on, but if he put the grilled cheeses in there, they would stay warmer longer.
Warm smells wafted through the kitchen. A smile crossed the boy’s face. This was nice, he really did enjoy cooking for other people. Tubbo places his hand on his hips, the edges of his knuckles digging into the strings that held his apron together. He felt proud of himself. The grilled cheese would be something simple that Michael would be happy with(though Michael would eat most things, including inedible ones, He took after his uncle Tommy in that way), and the tomato soup would make it taste all the better.
The brunette pumped his fist in the air before basically dancing to Michael's room. His feet felt light and he let his arms make little excited circles. A small bubble of excitement was caught in his throat, and Light hums flew from his lips, creating a small tune he made up on the spot.
Tubbo peered inside, the door quietly groaning as he pushed it slightly open. Micheal was still asleep. He didn’t plan on waking the boy up, he knew the piglin would get up soon, but it was better to check. Last time Michael was awake without Tubbo or Ranboo knowing, he had managed to lock himself in the toy box, causing a frenzy of searching and tearing the house apart until Michael had been found.
Tubbo set the table, placing two bigger dishes and a smaller one. Two of the three plastic plates sat in front of tall wooden chairs. They were beautifully crafted and had been a gift from foolish. There were four of the chairs that surrounded a more bland and less crafty table. The smaller plate was sitting down in front of the smaller wooden seat, another gift from foolish.
Foolish was a really nice guy. He had done so many things for the beeduo, he was unsure on how to repay the demi-god. Maybe he could cook him food or invite him to an evening meal like this one.
He placed a grilled cheese on each plate, all three sandwiches cut in triangles, before he grabbed the tomato soup. The pot was still slightly hot, making the cook cringe, but it did not burn him. He let the red liquid flow into the two bowls before placing it beside his friend's plate and his own.
Just as he heard the tap of the glass bowls gently hitting the wooden surface, the door opened. It was opened softly and met with a tired looking Ranboo standing there. The boy's tail drooped more than normal and his ears were pushed back more, like he was too tired to hold them up. Ranboo had an apron of his own, one he had from helping Wilbur with burgers at the burger stand. His hair was slightly disheveled and his button-up’s sleeves were pushed up to his elbows.
Ranboo’s eyes widened with surprise, his tail and his nose sticking up into the air. He was obviously taking in the scents of the freshly prepared meal. Ranboo looked over to Tubbo tilting his head slightly.
“Wow, it smells good in here Bo” Ranboo spoke softly.
he hummed a smile spreading from one half of his face to the next. Yes, already an amazing sign, though Ranboo usually said it smelled good or looked good, he never said it tasted good.
“Thanks bossman, I'll go get Micheal” Tubbo said scooching closer to ranboo to give him a light hug. Tubbo could still smell the grease and sweat stuck to the apron. Tubbo scrunched his nose and looked up.
“I’d take the apron off too, you smell like Wilbur, and he’s basically a walking corpse” Tubbo joked with a bright smile before pulling his arms away. The boy leaving before he could hear Ranboo’s protests
When Tubbo came back out with a little piglin boy in his arms, Ranboo was sitting in the seat closest to the wall, his apron off(probably in the laundry). Tubbo smiled with satisfaction, but said nothing. Micheal snorted as the brunette placed him in his booster seat, his small hands already reaching for food.
Ranboo Chuckled lightly.
“Someones hungry” his voice was filled with more energy than when he had first got there. Tubbo grinned at him before making sure michaels food was small enough for him to eat without choking by ripping the grilled cheese into smaller pieces.
Tubbo then sat down himself and his gaze turned to Ranboo. Here it was, the moment he was waiting for. Ranboo took the sandwich in his hands. The sandwich started to move to his mouth. Tubbo fidgeted in his seat, but before the enderman hybrid took a bite, he caught Tubbo’s eye.
“Umm? You good Bo?” he asked, shutting his mouth. Tubbo nearly groaned with frustration.
“Completely fine Boo, great as can be Tubbo replied, sounding more irritated than he meant to. Ranboo obviously didn’t believe him, so he set down the sandwich.
“I appreciate you cooking tubbo, if you didn’t want to you didn’t have to uh especially since this lot more than you normally ever do” Tubbo stared blankly at him, unsure wether to appreciate the words or to scream.
A few more beats past.
Ranboo glaced away and then returned the stare to his husband
“Ok the whole staring thing is a bit creepy uh-” Ranboo was cut off as both their heads turned when Michael snorted again, lightly hitting his hooved hand on the table. The piglin had already finished his food. Tubbo grabbed the other triangle from the grilled cheese and started to break up the pieces.
“Just wanted to make some ‘prolonged eye contact’” Tubbo said, lowering his voice to the sound of the Bo Burnham song. Though his tone was light-hearted there was a hint of irritation behind it. Tubbo wanted to just tell his husband to eat the sandwich,(Tubbo just really wanted the satisfaction of succeeding)
Ranboo smiled and nodded as Tubbo gave the food to michael. Tubbo’s head swiveled back, seeing Ranboo take a bite of the sandwich. Tubbo held his breath.
Ranboo’s face was no different from before or after the bite.
“So has your day been Tubbo?” Ranboo asked politely when he finished chewing. Tubbo’s face dropped. Really? Seriously? Nothing?
“Good-uh how’s the food boo?”Tubbo asked. Ranboo looks down at it like he just noticed the meal was there. “Oh I like it, Thanks for working so hard to make it.”
Micheal ate happily, chewing loudly, obviously very pleased with the food.
Tubbo was going to throw someone.
Ok so Grilled cheese and tomato soup isn’t the most amazing thing in the world. It wasn’t one of Ranboo’s favorite foods, but this time he would make something really good. It was about a week later from the last meal he actually put effort into. He had been so busy helping Big Q with burgers and Fundy move into Las nevadas.
He rolled his phone back and forth in his hands, while a timer counted down on the screen. It had taken him almost all day to make the meal for today, partly because he messed up the first batch of dough. Tubbo had to scrap it since he dropped the dough onto the kitchen tiles. It wasn’t necessarily his fault the roll dough fell either. Tommy had called him right when he was carrying it to the other side of the island, causing him to jump.
The reason Tommy had called was that he was mad at the fact Tubbo wasn’t hanging out with him on Tubbo’s day off, and instead he was cooking for “The stupid zebra bitch”, so he was stuck listening to Tommy over the phone. That proved to be a terrible idea, so he tried hanging up on three different occasions, but was met with spamming phone calls and text messages until he picked up again.
Ranboo also had a day off, he was at techno and Phil’s. Micheal had gone with him so that the piglin could spend more time with his own kind. It was rather cute how excited his son got to see Techno, even if Tubbo didn't particularly like the older pig man.
Tubbo set the table and pushed hair out of his eyes. The meal was steak, with mashed potatoes and gravy. The steak was the right color, not too brown, but not too pink. Not only was the steak good, but the potatoes were the ones he got from techno, so he knew they were probably amazing. The vegetables had been mashed with salt and pepper, the seasoning flecks visible if you leaned in close enough.
Tubbo was happy with the steak and potatoes, but what he was really proud of was the rolls. Even though he messed up the first batch, these ones looked awesome. They were a soft gold-brown, the glazed butter melting into the tops of the bread. He had sent a picture to Tommy, who told him they were “Pog rolls” and would “impress all the women, just not as much as Tommy would-“
With a few more snide comments, it was safe to say Tommy was still upset that Tubbo didn’t hang out with him. They had said their goodbyes several minutes ago, Tubbo promising he would hang out again eventually.
Tubbo played on his phone a bit as he waited for Ranboo to get back. He was playing some stupid game he didn’t know the name of. You were supposed to sort the colors into different viles without mixing them, which was a lot harder than it sounded.
Suddenly, the door slammed open, banging against the wall. The taller boy cringed and pulled the door back slightly, the door groaning as Ranboo held the knob gently with a guilty look. The boy then whispered his apologies to the wood.(not that it did anything since he had already slammed the door open).
“AAGG COCK N BALLS” Tubbo yelled as his phone slipped through his fingers into his lap.
Ranboo blinked at Tubbo.
Tubbo blinked back.
“Wha-”
“Oh hey Bossman you scared the crap outta me”Tubbo waved with a smile and his now free hand. Ranboo raised his eyebrows and made a face that looked like he was trying to hold back a laugh.
“Cock n’ balls?”
Tubbo felt his face begin to heat up.
“It was the first thing I thought of, ok!” Tubbo cringed even more as his voice cracked at the end of the sentence.
Ranboo rolled his eyes and brought gaze down to the food.
“Oh wow did you make all this?” Ranboo asked gently A flicker of emotion washed over the enderman’s face, before bouncing back into a smile. Tubbo almost thought he imagined it, if it wasn’t for Ranboo’s nervous tail wagging.
Ranboo took his seat and Tubbo did the same.
If the Cook had to guess Ranboo felt bad that he had done all of the meal himself. In all honesty, they used to cook together a lot. Now that they both have jobs and a kid, they rarely do it.
His eyes traveled back down to the food. He could worry later. Tubbo looked back up, meeting Ranboo’s eyes.
“Did Micheal stay the night?” Tubbo asked before Ranboo nodded briskly.
“Yeah he nearly cried when I told him I was going because he thought he would have to go with me . After he found out he got to stay he was basically pushing me out the door.” Ranboo said dramatically wiping a fake tear from the tip of his eyes.
Tubbo faked a frown and dramatically threw a hand onto his chest.
“Betrayed by our own son, how devastating” Tubbo hummed slightly
The red and green eyed boy picked up his fork. His fingers easily gripped the molded piece of silver.
“ not gonna lie, kinda made me feel old” Ranboo said picking at his food for a second. Tubbo watched Ranboo’s hand intensely before bringing up his gaze.
“As old as philza minecraft or-” Tubbo asked as if he was paying attention. Ranboo made eye contact, but flicked his eyes back down to his plate .
“Uh no not that old”
Ranboo was almost, uncomfortable with Tubbo’s gaze. He didn’t mind Tubbo looking at him, but it was weird when he was eating right? The boy’s teeth dug gently into the potato on the fork. He pulled the silver back leaving nothing but a slight bit of potato flecks on the fork.
Tubbo held his breath.
Ranboo chewed slowly before taking another bite. His Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed the food.
“So uh I was thinking we could pick Michael up at three tomorrow? Then we could have the day to ourselves.” Ranboo took another bite of his food, still not expressing anything. He had a poker face, to say the least
Dammit.
“Sure, sounds fine, how is the food boo?” Tubbo’s eye twitched as he asked. He took a bite of his own food, tasting the flavor. It tasted so good. The pepper, the texture, everything was perfect so why-
“Oh it’s good, I'm glad you enjoy making it.” Ranboo said. Tubbo rolled his eyes the same way Ranboo’s had earlier and took a bite of the roll, his shoulders slumping as he leaned onto the table.
Tubbo was going to go cry after this meal
“Everytime I make him an amazing meal he acts as if it’s nothing, am I that bad of a cook? Like he doesn’t even react!” Tubbo’s arm surged upwards from his spot on the couch. Currently Tubbo was making up for the hangout he had missed last week while making food.
Tommy shrugged.
“He’s probably just being a bitch, I wouldn’t worry about it Tubso” Tommy said matter of factly.
Tubbo sat up quickly, his palms digging into the plush couch.
“I just really wanna make him a good meal though, how hard can it be to please someone who’s so, so, impartial.” Tubbo continued, flailing his hands in the air dramatically to further express his point.
“Impartial?” Tommy questioned before pausing. He noticed one of his blonde locks sticking in front of his face. He blew at it, knocking it back up.
Tommy looked back at his freind, giving Tubbo a weird look, his eyebrows furrowing. “The fuck is that?”he continued.
“Someone that does Not pick a side” Tubbo replied curtly.
“Pfft Big words coming from a dyslexic person” Tommy teased. Tubbo narrowed his eyes at the tall blonde boy, who was currently wearing a red shirt.
“I will literally eat your bones.” Tubbo threatened as Tommy raised his eyebrows and his mouth stretched into a shit eating grin. Tubbo was used to that face, it usually meant that Tommy was going full Gremlin mode.
“If you eat my bones, you would ruin your teeth”exclaimed Tommy in a light-hearted tone.
“Nope my teeth are super strong-” Tubbo started.
“Not as strong as my big man bones” Tommy shifted on the couch to meet Tubbo’s gaze a bit better.
“You have weak bones you don’t drink enough milk” Tubbo cut himself by laughter at the offended face Tommy made, scrunching up his features.
“You don’t drink enough milk, bitch” the boy retorted, using his fail safe of calling people a bitch to attempt to win the argument.
“You're just mad because you’re calcium deficient” Tubbo said leaning onto the arm of the couch.
“And you’re a pussy” Tommy said loudly, the strand of hair falling back into his face. Tommy blew it back up again.
It was Tubbo’s turn to make an offended face.
“Wow so original” He said.
“So is your mother” Tommy said, and Tubbo had to hold back a snort, just to make sure he didn’t feed Tommy ego for the dumb remark.
“Thats doesn’t even make sense” Tubbo huffed, crossing his arms loosely on his chest, before spotting a pillow that matched the fabric he was sitting on.
Tubbo’s eyes glinted with excitement as he snatched the pillow. He turned his chest and threw the velvet pillow at Tommy, hitting the unsuspecting blonde in the face. Tommy made a weird gagging-gasping noise before grabbing a fistful of the side of it and flung the cotton filled item back at Tubbo. Tommy’s arm bent back, his shoulder stretching in a way a pitcher’s might before throwing a fastball, but he completely missed. In fact, the boy missed so bad it nearly hit a potted plant on the other side of the room.
“Shuddup” Tommy grunted as Tubbo broke into a roaring laugh.
Tommy changed his expression into one of indignation as Tubbo kept laughing, now on the verge of tears.
When the boys finally calmed down, Tommy had turned the TV on. It was a simple show, that was mostly for the background noise of their chatter.
Eventually Tubbo needed to head home. They had caught up with each other and Tommy probably wouldn’t be as clingy for the next few days. Currently though, he needed to make sure Micheal and Ranboo went to bed on time(Ranboo had worse sleeping habits than him sometimes, and Tubbo stayed awake for days at a time). The brunette dragged his feet across the carpet, exhausted from talking for so long, though he still really enjoyed spending time with Tommy.
“Tell Ranboo I say hi” Tommy said with sincerity. Tommy and Ranboo didn’t always get along, but now Tubbo found they were pretty good freinds.
“I will” Tubbo spoke, nodding.
Tommy gave a thoughtful look before he opened his mouth again.“On second thought tell him he’s an bitch since he took away my friend- and uh” ok so maybe not as much progress as Tubbo thought with a small smile.
Tommy paused thinking again before he continued “honestly Tubs, You should Fuck up a meal, if he hates your food you won’t have to cook and you won't have to miss me,” Tommy waved his had as if he was dismissing something. “I know how clingy you get Tubs”Tommy placing the same hand on his chest as he finished speaking. Tubbo froze. “What?” Tubbo said
Tommys confidence faultered, as if a single ‘what’ from Tubbo meant he did something stupid or wrong.
Tommy scrambled for the words he had just said, trying to not let his insecurities show.
Tubbo is his friend he didn’t judge him… right?
“I- sorry, tell him he's a bitch?” Tommy threw out, trying to end the silence.
Tubbo shook his head,
“No after that” Tubbo said. Tommy brought his thumb to his chin, wrinkling his forehead as he thought.
Tommy snapped his fingers and pointed at Tubbo. “You’re clingy”Tommy supplied, the stress now obvious on his face. Tubbo shook his head rapidly
“No, you just said it like-”
“Make him a gross meal?”Tommy suggested as the bee boy smiled.
“Tommy you’re a genius” The boisterous behavior was back in an instant. “ Tubbo, that was already a well known fact to you, and tons of women-”
“Sorry Tommy, I got to go, big man stuff to do” Tubbo said leaving before Tommy finished his sentence, quickly waving his arm quickly as he started to book it to his house. He would make a terrible meal that Ranboo will react to, or at least make a face at even if he is attempting to be polite. He would make a meal Ranboo would have to react to.
“Rude to not give a proper goodbye… bitch…” Tommy yelled his voice trailing off behind his back.
Tubbo had a plan.
The brunette pinched his nose shut, blocking the air holes from smelling even the smallest thing. The knife sliced down until it hit the cutting board, a clean ‘shink’ noise echoing off the wooden surface.
He moved the hand plugging his nose back down to the knife. It was much safer to use both hands when handling sharp objects. The wood echoed again and again until the fish was completely cut.
Tubbo threw it into a blender, a blender that was already holding some sort of red berries(not poisonous ones, but the one with a really bitter taste), peanut butter, and vinegar. It smelled absolutely terrible.
Tubbo smiled and closed the lid, holding it down as he pressed the silver button. The blender started to buzz and shake, it obviously was meant for smoothies or milkshakes, not a concoction of foods that would not taste good together.
The actual meal was just mac n cheese and hotdogs. The smoothie(if you could even call it that) was specifically supposed to be for Ranboo. Tubbo almost felt bad for making what he was. By the way his nose instinctively scrunched at the smell, he knew it would taste terrible. Tubbo pulled his finger away from the button, the whirring noise and motion coming to a slow. The key word was ‘almost’ felt bad. Tubbo pressed the button again to finish mixing up the ingredients with an evil grin across his face.
Soon enough the table was set. Everything was perfectly fine, the food that was supposed to look good did, and the smoothie looked absolutely miserable. He tapped his fingers on the table before cupping his hands around his lips.
“RANBOO, MICHAEL FOODS READY” Tubbo perked up as he awaited the noise of movement from the hallway. All day ranboo had been watching michael while Tubbo did chores. As he watched the tired enderman walk out he felt goosebumps on his pale arms.
Maybe this wasn’t. Good idea, Ranboo already looked tired.
“Hey bo” Ranboo yawned while Micheal wiggled around in his long arms. The tall boy walked over and sat Michael in the baby seat.
“ I made some mac n cheese, plus a smoothie for you since you uh work so hard-”Tubbo bit his lip as he set the concoction in front of the hybrid.
Ranboo smiled widely. “Thanks for working so hard, too, Tubbo. I actually really appreciate you taking the time to cook lately, I'm sure Michael loves it.” The hybrid exclaimed. Ok now he felt bad. Tubbo sat between his family members. He felt the wood press against his back. It felt cool, he assumed it was due to the normal below freezing temperature of snow chester.
“...anyways you should have seen Micheal, I was scared he was going to eat the crayons again, but he actually drew something quite detailed before he ended up eating the drawing” Ranboo finished speaking before he tilted his head, his ears turning forwards.
Tubbo had not been paying attention at all.
“Yeah that’s uh great Ranboo”Tubbo was haunted with fear at the idea of ranboo reacting for the smoothie. He wanted a reaction, but this seemed too far.
As he was trapped in his head Ranboo reached for the drink. Time almost slowed down for Tubbo. Before he could force any words out of his mouth The enderman hybrid was drinking it.
Tubbo felt guilty immediately.
“Look I’m-”
“That’s good, thanks bo” Ranboo smiled as he set the drink down.
“Have you been alright lately? After you talked to Tommy you’ve seemed off, is there anything bothering you?” Ranboo asked softly. Tubbo stared blankly at the boy across from him.
“What the Fuck?”Tubbo exclaimed. Ranboo looked taken aback, his eyes widening.
“W-what I- I did I-”
“You just drank fish, berries, peanut butter, and vinegar.” Tubbo basically snarled. Ranboo looked down at the drink. He moved it in a circular motion, watching it swirl around. It was Ranboos turn to raise his voice.
“Why on earth would you feed me that?” The oreo boy said it in a confused scared tone more than an angry one.
“You never have any reactions to my food, I made so many great meals and you just said they were good, there was never a- a genuine reaction, ya know?” Ranboo blinked, his eyes closing longer than normal as he processed the words said.
“I thought if I made something really bad you’d at least make a face or- or- why are you laughing?” Tubbo asked, hurt expression on his face. The enderian boy was straight up cackling. His voice was hoarse from laughter.
Tubbo scrunched his face.
“Why’re you laughing?” He said his voice ending in a slight laugh from the others' contagious laughter. Tubbo’s face broke and he laughed along with the other boy.
Micheal continued to eat and just kinda looked at his parents weirdly.
When the laughter died off Tubbo furrowed his eyebrows.
“Ok, but no, seriously, how did you not react to the- the trash smoothe?” Tubbo giggled slightly.
“Tubbo” his husband said
“Ranboo” he replied
Ranboo’s smile widened.
“Enderman don’t have taste buds.” Ranboo said in a amused tone.
Tubbo blinked once.
Twice.
Three times before he calmly got up. He pushed his chair in with a scraping noise as it pushed against the wooden floor. The whole time he maintained eye contact with his husband .
“I’m never fucking cooking for you again” Tubbo shot out.
“Wait no- im sorry” Ranboo tired to protest, but he just broke into laughter again.
Tubbo ignored the boys protests and walked out of the room.
Tubbo didn’t cook for Ranboo for another 2 1/2 months.