Chapter Text
The cell was made of cold reflective metal, the force field gleamed in a corrosive sickening green. The lights above never turned off, making it impossible for her to sleep. Even the bed was merely a mass of transparent gel without any shape of its own. The architect of this place intentionally made it as sterile as possible, not allowing for any hint of individuality or artistry to accidentally evoke a sense of life to the prisoner.
She was hugging her knees and staring at the ground with empty eyes. It was only a matter of time until her final punishment would arrive. She almost welcomed it if it meant to be spared the sight of this horrible cell.
Her ears perked up slightly when she heard footsteps inside the corridors. They were coming.
“Prime waits for you in the purification chamber, little sister.”
It was one of countless clones speaking with the same tone of voice as all his brethren. A nearly robotic speech pattern with not a hint of emotion. This pale creature with glowing green eyes was no different from the amorphous gel bed, only existing to adapt to the form imposed by its master. Denied a name, a will or even a thought of its own. She thought it was pitiful, a fate worse than death.
Her sharp eyes shifted around. The force field disappeared and the clone waited for her to follow him. Her arms were bound this time, but she could still take down a single mindless clone, she was confident in that. Her claws extended on pure instinct.
“Do not tarry. Prime has little patience left to spare.” A second voice reached her from the corner of the door.
She had not even sensed the other two clones who were standing guard on each side. Maybe she had been out of it, maybe they had some means of hiding their presence. No matter which it was, her wild dreams of escape were thwarted the moment they had been born.
Even if she were able to take them all, what then? Find her way to the teleporter again and try to reach some distant planet? No way, this place was swarming with clones everywhere and Prime would not let her pull the same trick twice. She had always been able to come up with some scheme, some desperate twist of her feet that allowed her to leap to a safe space where she could persevere. But not here. Not under Prime’s watchful eye. She gave up.
They escorted her through the endless corridors that all looked the same to her and eventually stopped before a large door that opened automatically. Behind it was a room full of machinery and pods filled with green liquid… and other things. In its center was a large pool full of a similar green substance.
She had seen it before on the bridge, the place where she had witnessed the horrifying ritual of this cult. The process used to erase Hordak’s mind and return him to the fold of subservient clones. Hordak had been weak, but he was also desperate to prove himself. She had perceived him as a rebellious and deeply unhappy man that needed to build himself up as a tyrant to show the world - his ‘brother’ - that he was worth something. But to Prime his only worth lay in becoming something that was not Hordak.
Her tail limply fell to the ground as her mind was filled with the terror of realization. This was not an execution. Her final punishment was not death.
“How good to see you again, little sister.”
Prime opened his many eyes and raised his head. He was sitting on a large floating chair behind the pool of green muck. He sometimes sat completely still, connecting to the hivemind and in those moments one could have mistaken him for a sleeper. But Prime never slept, never closed his eyes from the world.
“I see that your injuries have recovered quickly. It would not do to go through the ceremony while you were in so much physical pain.”
His ever-present smile was creeping her out. There was no emotion to it. Not the smile, not the voice, nothing about this white clad monster seemed to have a sliver of emotion. His pleasant words belied the cruelty of his mind. He raised his hand and signaled the clones to take off her handcuffs.
“If you are going to kill me, then get it over with.” She spoke defiantly, but her heart was pounding with endless fear.
“You are smarter than that, child. There is no need for such a waste of life when you can still serve as part of this intricate machine of peace.”
“I won’t help you with that! Just get rid of me or I will make you regret it!” She hissed, she tossed her head around and tried to make an imposing figure, but there was nothing to back up those sad threats.
“So much pain. So much resentment for the world. Do you not wish to forget those pesky… emotions?” He stood up from his chair and moved around the pool with calm steps. “I can give you the peace that none of those people you left behind would ever grant you. Peace that she denied you.”
He was smirking to himself, because she reacted. They both knew who he was talking about, who was on her mind even in her final moments. And it made her furious! She gritted her teeth and glared at him with overwhelming hatred. She had done everything she could to make sure she would not come here, to be as far away from Prime as possible. He knew that too.
In that moment strong arms pushed her forward. Her feet were clinging to the floor, but it was too slippery to claw into. The clones pushed her to the pool in unison and started chanting words that she didn’t even register in her panicked mind. The green liquid was about to touch her. Whatever happened to Hordak would happen to her as well!
“Now, embrace the light of Prime. Welcome him into your heart and you shall forget all fear and pain. Only if you give yourself willingly can you avoid the endless wheel of suffering you have been put on. The people who have abandoned you will never be able to fill that emptiness. The crimes you have committed will never let go of your soul if you stay yourself. Join him and find purpose. Join him and never be denied again.”
She was close to tears as her feet touched the surface of the poisonous pool. Nothing was left. She had done all she could, she had saved her and now she would find her end, one way or another. Her life was full of regrets, but she could cope knowing that she had done one good thing in the end. That had to be enough. It had to.
This was the end…
“Aaargh!”
Screams echoed through the halls of the ship and several clones were flung through the door. They stayed down, lifeless and broken. More were rushing out in haste, but the sounds of fighting grew so loud that she could sense the air being sliced right behind her long hair.
Her eyes widened as she heard the familiar grunts of exertion and rage. The uncanny sound of a sword slicing through armor and weapons. Prime looked behind her and his eyes narrowed. For the first time he seemed dismayed.
“She-Ra.” It was that one word that changed everything.
“CATRA!”
It couldn’t be, yet it was. She had done everything she could to keep her away and yet she was here. She turned around almost hesitantly and her heterochromic eyes laid witness to the truth. The giantess, the glowing princess of power, the salvation she had both hated and sought for so long… was here.
Her long flowing hair was waving in the still air as if it was always caressed by a breeze and her muscular arms glistened in sweat as she sliced through her opponents. Like in slow motion she moved through the battlefield and never let her blue eyes turn away from her. She-Ra was here for one reason alone.
“So you have shown yourself to me at last. It seems my lure was more potent than expected.”
Prime stood still without a sign of fear on his even face as he addressed the Amazonian who had just busted into his lair and defeated all his soldiers. Where did his endless confidence come from? She knew that She-Ra could not be stopped, that she would continue to strive for her goal no matter what, but did he understand that too?
“Catra, we are going back to Etheria!” She finally reached her and grabbed her by the arm.
“Why… are you here?!” She pulled herself away and looked at the girl in horror. “I told you to stay away!”
“We don’t have time for your selfishness! There are people waiting for you!” The tall girl grabbed her like a powerless child and put her over her shoulder. “I will deal with you later!” She glared at Prime.
“I am sure we will meet again soon.” He said unperturbed and flicked his long sharp fingers. More clones stormed into the room from several hidden doors. “Do not make me wait too long.”
She-Ra moved like a hurricane of light and steel. Everything in her path was laid to waste, be it enemies, doors or defense systems. The one she had come to take with her was unable to resist or struggle and could only accept her fate. It was not how she had imagined their reunion – no, she had not imagined to ever see her again at all – and there was no time to prepare for it either.
“You are such an idiot!” She shouted in frustration.
“I am not the one being judged here.” She-Ra responded between gasps and finally destroyed the door to the hangar. Several spaceships were lined up in here, but one stood out like a sore thumb. It was purple and unlike any of the mass produced fighters under Prime’s control.
“How do you plan to escape? There is no way we can get out of here in one piece!”
“I will drag you out no matter what it will take.” She-Ra replied seriously and then used her sword to unleash a wave of light that cut through the other ships in the hangar and blew them up in fire and shrapnel. There was no force in the universe that could stop her, was there? Her power was just that unfair, that endlessly terrifying.
She finally kicked off the ground and leapt all the way to the ship in one go. The moment they were inside the hatch closed up and the ship started its engines. They were really escaping Prime’s ship… they were going to be free!
She was flung to the ground painfully before She-Ra moved to the cockpit and ordered the AI to fly them to Etheria. Her determined face was reflected in the windows. The one she saved was rubbing her grazed elbows and looked around the ship to make sure whether anybody else was here. Had she actually come here all on her own?
In mere seconds the mothership was left far behind them and nothing was giving pursuit for once. The darkness of space enveloped them and gave them some much needed rest. She lowered her gaze to the ground she was kneeling on and tried to organize her thoughts. It was like she had been going through whiplash the entire time, but now she could finally settle her pounding heart down.
Conflicting emotions washed over her, but more than that there was a deep pain in her chest. She had never been able to speak her feelings, but right now she felt like she didn’t even know what they were. All she could focus on was the back of the woman before her.
“Ado-”
“Don’t say it. You have no idea how angry I am with you. How could you ever understand?” She was balling her hand to a fist and kept looking towards the darkness of space.
“I do know.” She spoke with pain in her voice.
“You can’t. I came all this way to get you, to bring you to justice, because you will never get it otherwise.”
Had she really been saved? Or was she merely going from one prison to the next? Maybe Prime was right that she had nothing but suffering ahead of her. She-Ra was a goddess of justice. Was it foolish to have believed for even one second that she had come here to save her out of concern? Maybe this was better than pity. She despised the feeling of being pitied so much.
“What about Sparkles?”
“She hates you.”
Her eyes twitched at those harsh words. She knew their truth already, but she just wanted to know if the princess was okay. Was she not even allowed to know that much? She had hoped that if she was fine that maybe Ado- She-Ra would be happy. That she would leave and be safe with her friends somewhere far away. She didn’t have to come back for her. She shouldn’t have.
“Do you know what happened back on Etheria while you played prisoner?”
“What…?” She furrowed her brows and looked at her claws with trepidation.
“The Rebellion was defeated, everyone has been captured. Without She-Ra they were defenseless and they paid the price. It’s all your fault.”
“No way… No, why did you come back for me if it was like that?!” She shot an angry look at the woman before her.
“Because you are evil, Catra. It is She-Ra’s duty to punish the wicked and you are the worst of all.” She finally turned around and her glowing eyes nearly crushed the villain below her with pure disgust. “You have left nothing but pain in your wake and there is no redemption for you. Don’t you get it? The only way to pay for your sins is to return and see the devastation you have caused! Face the destruction, the grief, the endless suffering and despair!”
“No… no, no, I don’t want that. Just kill me already!” She cried out and dug her fingers into her own head.
“Death will not absolve you either, little sister.”
The blue glow of She-Ra’s eyes turned a deep and sickening green. Everything about her was wrong. It tore Catra’s mind apart to see her distort into the shape of the white tyrant.
“Only Prime can.”
Sweat ran down her chin and her breathing had turned ragged. Catra’s eyes sprung open and she clutched her crossed legs with fear. The vision dissipated only slowly. The green glow of those eyes was still seared into her mind. The room around her was lit moderately by candles and a small fire in the center, nothing like the sterile cold lights of the ship. She had to breathe in deeply to regain her composure.
That was when the horrible smell of something burned stung her nose and she had to sneeze.
“Oh, that is a really cute sneeze.” Perfuma said with a smile on her lips.
“…it is not.” Catra pressed out, still shaken.
“You look pale. Is your spirit misaligned?” The flower princess gave her a look of genuine concern.
“Nah, it’s the stench of these candles. It’s driving my nose crazy.” She retorted with a low voice and wiped the sweat off her brow.
“Hey! I will have you know that these aromatic candles were made from the wax of the most beautiful trees in our gardens. Their aroma cleanses the spirit and mind and strengthens our hearts~!”
The lanky princess sat cross-legged in a perfectly mirrored position to Catra, but unlike the cat girl, she was entirely relaxed and peaceful.
“I need to ‘cleanse’ my nose and throat now.” She grumbled and loosened her legs from their stiff position in the circle of the tent. Her entire body felt irritated from this weird meditation session. It stung not just her nose, but also her eyes. Even made her tear up slightly…
“You always complain so much! Can’t you ever stop being so restless?” She lamented, but then quickly returned to her compassionate expression. “Did you confront your regrets?”
“You keep telling me to do things, but I have no idea how. Just closing my eyes and smelling some stinky herbs won’t let me forget.” She put her face in her hand and leaned her arm on her knee.
“Catra, you should not strive to forget your troubles. You must face them! I am here to help you of course, but it won’t work if you don’t let me.” Her words were sound, but it was never that easy.
For the last few weeks Catra had been meeting Perfuma for these meditation sessions. At first she had tried to refuse, but a certain someone had encouraged her to go along with it. She knew it was for her own good, but all this esoteric stuff just didn’t work for her. Incense and chanting wouldn’t make her forget her mistakes… or help her stop repeating them.
Catra’s tail flicked about restlessly and she kept looking towards the exit where sunlight was warmly pushing through the gap. Outside she would get fresh air and freedom at least. Among other things.
“I see how it is.” Perfuma sighed softly and lowered her arms from her weird meditation pose. “Would you rather spend time with Adora?”
Catra’s tail shot up reflexively and her head slipped from her hand. She instantly turned back to Perfuma and shook her head. “W-W-Why do you bring her up now? I never said anythi-” She stopped her retort when she saw the freckled face before her contort into pure amusement. Ran right into her trap.
“I understand completely. To be with your sweetheart would be far more relaxing than my dull teachings.”
“Uuugh! I will do the stupid breathing exercises, so please stop looking at me like that!” Her face was obviously flushed completely, but she shouldn’t have raised her voice like that. The impulse had just been too strong.
“It’s nice to see the color come back to your face so quickly. I knew Adora would cheer you up, even if it’s just her name.”
This woman sure was shrewd for someone who loved peace and nature so much. Catra once again realized that she had been misjudging someone merely on appearance. No matter how many times she met Perfuma, she would always think of her as the kind flower girl who occasionally lost her temper.
But because she was someone so sensitive, she did immediately notice Catra’s state and had come up with the best medicine. No wonder she and Scorpia got along so well. She felt another stab in her chest the moment her mind had imagined the former Force Captain’s smiling face. They hadn’t met since that day when the heart of Etheria had been deactivated and Horde Prime had been vanquished.
“Maybe if she was here you would tell her what really troubles you.” Perfuma was still talking about Adora. And she was not entirely wrong either.
“I remember… things.” Catra muttered and pushed a hand through her short hair. “Prime was in my head for so long. Sometimes I still don't know if this… all of this, is just another dream he put in my head to torture me. To break me.”
“Does this feel like a nightmare?”
“I guess not.” She rubbed her hurting nose, but revealed a light smile. If she were more honest, she would have admitted that she was quite happy lately. More than she had ever been.
And that this was what troubled her.
“You need some herbal tea!” She suddenly declared and rose up quickly. With a twirl and a dance like step she picked up a tea pot from the table and then adeptly poured two cups. There was no room for Catra to refuse.
She sniffed the vapors with her sensitive nose and recoiled. It was definitely going to be bitter. She remembered Scorpia making her some tea that wasn’t too different, but back then she had barely tasted anything. Her mind had been so afflicted that her taste buds barely even processed it.
Glancing back and forth between Perfuma’s smile and the cup, she eventually resigned herself and sipped on it. Yup, it was just as horrible as expected. While she let her tongue hang out of her mouth and grimaced, the flower princess took big gulps of her cup. She showed nothing but comfort and delight.
“Muuuch better. Now that your body is warm, your thoughts can turn warmer too.”
“Pff.” She snorted, but then hastily drank her tea to cover it up.
“I can tell that meditation is not for you, so let’s think of something better to heal your heart.” Perfuma was pouting only slightly. “If you want to talk about your painful memories…”
“Can we please not? Adora already keeps pestering me about it. I want to be better, but I can’t just keep looking back.” She didn’t know if she was right about that, but it sounded good.
“So you would rather do something about the future?”
“Maybe?” She pursed her lips in thought.
Adora and the others were planning a lot of things, but for now rebuilding came first, so there was no telling when they would start their road trip across the stars. The future seemed even more uncertain than her feelings for the past.
“I am not convinced.” She was definitely not pleased with Catra’s halfhearted replies.
“Sorry. I’m not good at this, I know. I never had to think about all this… Never wanted to.” She admitted. For a long time she had only lived for the next day, to survive, to avoid her feelings, to keep going. All this introspection was tough on her.
“The truth is that you can’t let go of your past. I get that you don’t like looking back, but if things stay unresolved they will fester and grow into weeds on your inner mind’s landscape.” She closed one eye and sighed. “If you want the future to be healthy, then you have to find the infestation and clean it up first.”
Catra knew her regrets, the so-called ‘infestation’ quite well. It wasn’t her childhood. It hadn’t been all bad after all. Adora had been there with her and that made her look back on it with some fondness. Whatever Shadow Weaver had wanted them to be had stopped mattering when she sacrificed herself. It was hard to accept that she was really gone, but she could feel that there was some closure in that knowledge. The long shadow of her childhood was fading away.
What truly clasped her heart and soul was connected to that vision, wasn’t it? Guilt. Horde Prime was a monster who could not understand the value of emotions, but he had been very good at discerning a person’s feelings nonetheless. And he had tasted her guilt, exploited it, used it. By the time Adora had saved her, Catra had been almost unable to deal with it. She had wanted to escape it all, but these idiots had dragged her back and made her part of their band of fools.
She smiled to herself and leaned her face on both knees again. The warmth of the people she had hurt was now healing her. Was that not ironic?
How could she make amends? How could she finally melt the frozen guilt around her heart? That was the crux of the problem. She didn’t know how to make it up to them, because they had just accepted her. Before she could face their scorn, she found herself among them. Their kindness was slightly painful.
“Perfuma, how many people did the Horde take from your kingdom?”
“I do not dwell on that.” She replied fully aware where this was going. “We honor the fallen and are glad to know they returned to the planet.”
“But what if… what if they could still be here?”
“Who knows?” She looked slightly melancholic for the first time. “You blame yourself.”
“Of course I do! I gave the order to attack so many villages! I let Entrapta’s bots burn down the Whispering Woods!” She frowned and pushed her claws into her shins.
“Hmhm, looks like I know how to help you now.” She finished her tea and then extended her hand forward. Catra backed away like a frightened animal. Her tail was quite bushy. “I want an apology.”
“W-what?”
“You did a lot to save Etheria from Horde Prime’s forces, but you still never apologized to us.” She smiled determinedly and raised her brows. “If you regret your actions then you will have to show everyone how sincere you are. They may forgive you or they won’t, but you have to get through it. If you can’t do that much you will definitely not be able to deal with your regrets. Am I right?”
Catra had stopped breathing and her vision was shaking. The dreams wouldn’t stop if she ran away again. She knew Perfuma was right. More importantly, if she did not do this… Prime would have been right.
“Is it really enough?” Her upturned eyes were glued to Perfuma’s hand.
“It will never be ‘enough’ if you just seek to quench guilt. That’s why you have to be sincere about wanting to make up for your mistakes. Going through this trial will only be one step of many. So, Catra, do you absolutely want to prove your sincerity to me?”
“Y-yeah.” She swallowed loudly. Then she tenderly extended her hand forward and let her fingertips touch with Perfuma’s.
“You hurt many people in Plumeria indirectly. The trees still weep for their sisters who burned because of the Horde’s attack. Do you have regrets about that?”
“Yes.”
Before Catra’s inner eye flashed the faces of the people beyond the tent who had watched her come here so many times. Some of them were rejecting, some indifferent. Others smiled at her vaguely. They were good and honest people. The kind the Horde would have called weak and contemptible. The woods around it were green, brown and covered in all the colors of the world. Beautiful.
“Do you want to be forgiven?” Perfuma asked ceremoniously.
“…”
Catra lowered her eyes and almost broke contact between their fingers. Adora’s hand was a little bigger than this. It was also firmer. Yet the way she had cradled her when she thought all was lost was so infinitely gentle. That may have been what forgiveness felt like. Or maybe it was the care of someone who had never given up on her. Back then she desired that sensation more than anything and now she was ashamed to admit she still did. If Adora wasn’t there for her she may have been unable to do this.
“Well?”
“I would like to be forgiven… but I probably don’t deserve forgiveness.” She admitted. Before Perfuma could respond she continued. “But there is an idiot out there who forgave me even so. Someone who would stay with me even at the end of the world. I love her so much. I think that’s what matters the most… love.”
“That is a beautiful answer.”
“I can’t make up for what is lost even if I wanted to. Everyone in this village is already moving on and working towards their future and they probably don’t want me to be a part of that. So this may not help them and it might not even be worth anything to you.”
She put her hand on Perfuma’s now. It was still warm from the hot tea cup.
“I’m sorry. I have been given the love I always wanted, but I took so much of the love you and your people deserved. It’s not right and it was all my fault.”
There was no use hiding her sadness, because that too was a form of love.
“If you aren’t asking for forgiveness, then I won’t give it to you.” Perfuma replied with a cheeky smile. “But I will acknowledge your feelings and pass them on to the spirits.”
“Thanks.”
“I feel like our chakras finally aligned~!” The woman said with an overjoyed expression and grabbed Catra’s hand into hers tightly.
“I-I dunno.” She became bashful almost instantly, but there was a hint of a smile on her lips.
This was the first step on her trial. It may have been impossible to finish this road, but she would still walk it nonetheless. Not everyone would be as kind and willing to listen as Perfuma or Adora were. She knew exactly who she had to apologize to, but it would take her a lot of mental fortitude to actually do it.
She had never felt like saying sorry would accomplish anything, in fact she had seen it as a sign of weakness once upon a time. But what was so wrong with being weak? By now even Catra understood that power wasn’t all it was made out to be. Most were weak, even weaker than her and yet they could keep moving forward. Then she would promise to herself that she would catch up to these strong weak people.
The incense had burned out and the air was finally a little clearer.
When Catra walked out of the tent to take a gulp of the clean forest air, she was confronted with a shocking sight. Melog had been waiting outside just as expected, but…
“Hey, Adora.”
“C’mon, get off of me already- C-Catra?! Wow, fancy seeing you here! So your meeting with Perfuma was today. Totally slipped my mind. I was just here to, uh, find some mushrooms.” She frantically pointed at Perfuma’s little garden. Melog licked her face, making her wince.
“I thought you didn’t like mushrooms.” Catra replied with a smirk and her tail began flicking around playfully.
“That’s because they are so slimy- I mean Melog’s tongue is really sticky! Please stop it!” She was a total mess already, but the big magic cat didn’t let her get up from her pinned position on the grass.
Adora was struggling cutely and put up a pointless fight. Just as she thought she had pried the huge cat off, she suddenly lost her breath from a heavy weight being added to her chest. Catra’s head had found its destined place.
“H-heavy…!” The blonde pressed out all the air as the weight of two mischievous cats crushed her. She surrendered soon and accepted her position as the pillow for the purring cat duo. She hesitantly put an arm around Catra’s waist. There was a tinge of rouge on her cheeks.
“What’s for dinner?” Catra hummed while enjoying the sensation.
“No idea.”
“Then what are the mushrooms for?”
“De-co-ray-tion?” She picked a word she probably had heard Glimmer use at some point. Didn’t sound like she was sure what it really meant.
“Hahaha.” Catra couldn’t help but giggle at her girlfriend’s terrible lying skills. That was a good thing in her mind, though.
The evening breeze was quite comfortable and the tinge of orange that covered the sky permeated to the meadows and hills. It would be a beautiful and warm night. The next day would come and who knows what that would bring. Right now, however, she felt contentedness seep into her heart.
Adora was there for her. She had come for her. She had stayed for her. Not She-Ra, not some avatar of justice. Just someone who had given her a chance to love her.
“Sooo, what did you talk about?” Adora whistled innocently.
“Melog, did she eavesdrop?”
“Mrow.”
“Traitor!”
While the blonde warrior was wrestling with the feisty cats, someone opened the tent’s entrance and peeked outside. They all stopped mid wrestling pose.
“While I am very happy for you, I would still prefer if you flirted somewhere far away from my doorstep.” Perfuma said with a gentle, yet determined smile.
“We were not flirting!” Catra basically jumped off Adora’s chest (which left her gasping in pain) and rushed down the hill on all fours.
“Ungh. Catra, wait for me!” Adora ignored her pain and jumped up with willpower alone. “See ya Perfuma!”
The lanky princess took a deep breath to center her chakras and watched the lovebirds chase through the village. It didn’t make her envious at all. For no particular reason she picked up the communication device made from First One’s tech that Entrapta had gifted her and looked for messages from a certain someone. She always gave punctual and delightful reports.
“Scorpia, dear? Yes, I was just thinking of contacting you.” She stepped back into the tent and left the day to fade out quietly.
To be continued