Chapter Text
San leans back in the couch, sighing in relief. They have just returned from the final episode of Kingdom. They are now in one of the dressing rooms, saying farewell to all the crew and members from other bands. He closes his eyes, silently pleading to his knee to hold on a little longer. He injured it when they were performing wave. To his own surprise, he was able to keep going. He did put an icepack on his knee after the performance, hoping that it would be enough. It wasn't. His boyfriends around him are congratulating members from SF9 and The Boyz on their performances. San is so glad Kingdom is over. Yes, they have learned a lot about performing and creating a story on stage. But... it has been so busy that sometimes they had to sleep and eat in the car. They would only go to their dorm for a quick shower. Now it's no longer an option to fall back on the painkillers he secretly has been taking, San is scared. It is not a disastrous injury, but he knows it will take time for his knee to heal. Weeks even. He opens his eyes. How mad will his boyfriends be when they found out San lied to them? Will they be disappointed in him? He's not sure he would be able to handle that right now.
"San."
San looks up, trying to look focused and interested. Hongjoong stands in front of him, and beside him the leader of SF9. San smiles and stands up as quickly as his knee allows. He makes a pained face for only a second. Hongjoong notices though, and frowns. The leader of SF9 holds out his hand which San shakes.
"It was fun working with you guys, I am sure we will see each other someday again on stage."
San hums in agreement.
"I sure hope so. Thank you for your support, we learned a lot," he says.
The leader nods, bows to Hongjoong and leaves. Only some staff and the members from Ateez remain in the room. Hongjoong raises his eyebrows at San.
"Something the matter?" he asks worriedly.
San has to bit his lip to prevent a pained noise coming out. The painkillers are getting weaker.
"No, just freaking tired," San says.
Hongjoong sighs.
"I know, you can sleep as long as you want when we get back. Good job."
Hongjoong looks at the rest.
"Pack your bags, we are going home."
Everyone cheers and quickly get their stuff. San exhales out shakily. It’s getting increasingly more difficult to hide the pain. Slowly he gathers his stuff. Unknown to him, Hongjoong observes him closely with tight eyebrows.
In the car many members are sleeping or drowsing off. San looks out off the window, his mouth in a thin line. He swallows when he changes his position for the sixth time, unable to sit comfortable. You might wonder why he hasn’t said anything to his boyfriends. One reason is that it is not in his nature. San always tries to make sure everyone is happy and healthy by cuddling them, feeding them, making sure they all feel comfortable with themselves. But when other people have to take care of San, he can’t help but feel like a burden, except with his parents and sister. And Kingdom was such an important chance for them as a group, no way he was going to ruin it for them or for their fans. When they were trainees they were told that pain comes with the job. The show must go on as they said. But right now his resolve is starting to crumble.
“We are here,” their driver says.
They thank the driver and step out the car. San waits until the rest are waiting outside and leans forward a bit.
“Hey, can you drive me somewhere later tonight?” he asks.
The driver looks surprised at him.
“Sure, I will be standing here for the next hour or so. If it gets later you can call the usual number,” he says.
San mutters a thank you and steps slowly out the car.
“Come on, let’s eat!” Wooyoung says impatiently and starts walking to their dorm. Wooyoung starts chattering away about the two dishes he wants to cook but doesn’t know which one to pick. The others don't really pay attention. San walks behind them.
"San, what do you-" Wooyoung stops talking when he notices San is not walking beside him. He turns around and frowns when he notices how slow San walks. He waits until San has caught up to him. Yunho also has stopped and waits beside Wooyoung. San gives them botha tired smile and wraps his arms around their shoulders.
"You okay Sannie?" Yunho asks, wrapping one arm around San's waist. San scoffs.
"Of course, just beat like all of you."
Wooyoung hums. "I know right, we have never done something so big."
San manages to his own surprise to mask his pain until they are inside the apartment. San says to the others that he goes walking for a little while to get rid of the drowsiness. Nobody questions it. At least, not verbally. San doesn't notice Hongjoong following him outside. When San is standing outside, he takes a ragged breath and squeezes his eyes shut for a moment. The effect of the painkillers are completely gone now. San swallows and sends a text to the driver still standing outside, asking if he can drive him to their company's doctor. San takes a few staggering steps to the driver.
"San!"
San stops dead in his tracks. His body freezes except his mouth who lets out a curse.
"Fuck's sake," San whispers.
He turns around, seeing Hongjoong walks towards him. He doesn't look happy at all. Hongjoong puts his hands on his own hips when he is standing in front of San.
“I knew it, you are in pain aren’t you?!” Hongjoong asks loudly.
San looks down at his fingers. Oh well, Hongjoong is their leader for a reason so he shouldn’t be surprised that Hongjoong noticed something odd about San's behavior. Hongjoong grabs San rather firm by the chin and forces San to look at him. San sniffles.
“I..-” he swallows. This is exactly what he was afraid of. His boyfriend's anger because he hid his injury.
“Please don’t be mad, Joongie. Please," he sobs.
San knows he is being childish and hates that he is crying in front of Hongjoong, but he can't help it. He simply can't handle an angry Hongjoong right now he feels bad enough already. Hongjoong's face immediately softens. He didn't mean to make San cry. He knows he can come across too harsh sometimes.
"Shh, don't cry baby. Sorry for yelling," he says and pulls San in a hug. He rubs San's back and pecks him on the cheek. San buries his head in Hongjoong's shoulder while he lets out shaky breaths. He wraps his arms around Hongjoong's neck. They savor in each other embrace for a few minutes. San can't help but smile a little, it's been weeks since they held each other like this. Hongjoong pets San's hip.
"Come on, let's go to our doctor so he can look at you."
San swallows, he already knows more or less what he is going to say.
"Aahh!" San yells when the doctor bends his knee.
Hongjoong winces at the sound. He is standing a few feet away to give the doctor enough room to work.
"I am sorry San, you've twisted your knee pretty badly and I see its a bit swollen. It's going to take a few weeks."
San didn't expect otherwise, but Hongjoong makes a shocked noise.
"A few weeks!?" Hongjoong screams.
Hongjoong looks first at the doctor, then to San and lastly again at the doctor. He feels angry, worried beyond words, guilty and many more emotions. Angry for not noticing Sans pain earlier, angry that San hasn't sad anything. But mostly guilty. Hongjoong feels like a bad boyfriend. The doctor smiles in sympathy.
"Yes, I am going to give San crutches. But I expect it will heal completely, without any complications. I will arrange with your manager for San to be picked up by a taxi every three days for physiotherapy. I will get your painkillers and bandages."
The doctor leaves the room. The atmosphere is tense to say the least. Hongjoong is still processing this new information, while San is getting his breathing back to normal. Hongjoong's thoughts trail off while he is desperately trying to think about moments where he should have seen the signs of San's injury. They all saw San with an icepack on his knee some weeks ago, but San assured them it was nothing serious. And honestly, because of their crazy work hours and hurting muscles, they all have used icepacks at least once during these weeks. After a while he has to admit to himself that the past few weeks have been so busy, that they lost track of each other as a group. Hongjoong swallows. It's a painful discovery. They have all been boyfriends for 6 months now, and some of them have had sex with each other a handful of times. It's still pretty new to everyone though. They have all touched each other and sucked each other off, sometimes with the rest watching. San, Wooyoung and Yeosang have been penetrated a few times, but that's it as far as anal sex goes. They are still in the process of settling into their poly romance dynamic. Especially Jongho and Yeosang are still pretty shy about it and don't dare yet to initiate much sexual contact. There even hangs a list on a kitchen cabinet with agreements they all made together to make sure everyone feels safe and comfortable within their dynamic. Hongjoong found it difficult to adjust the first few months since he is not a big fan of skinship, but now he can't imagine the time when they were just friends. To be a boyfriend for seven different people is complicated, but at the same time so special and fulfilling. Hongjoongs phone vibrates in his pocket. He reads his messages. Seonghwa left seven messages and has tried to call Hongjoong three times. Hongjoong smiles warmly while texting a quick reply.
"Joong?" San aks hesitantly, still sitting on the examination table.
Hongjoong looks up from his phone and winces at San's face. The pain, guilt and tiredness are clearly seen in his facial expression. San slowly breathes in.
"Are you mad or disappointed? If you are, I completely understand..."
Hongjoong shakes his head and walks to San. He gently spreads San's legs apart so he can stand between them. San makes a cute noise.
"Joongie?"
"I am not mad, but I want you to answer truthfully. Why didn't you say anything?" Hongjoong asks softly.
San scoffs, almost like the answer is pretty obvious.
"Kingdom was such a huge chance for us as a group. Our fans loved it, we even gained many new ones. I didn't want to ruin that."
Hongjoong sighs at San's answer, that's exactly what he expected to hear. Other members would probably handled the situation the same way San did. It makes it again painfully clear that performing and their fans are more important then their own health. Which is not oké. Hongjoong rubs San's thighs with a sad face.
"As soon as we're back, we should all sit around the table and talk about this. I don't want this to happen again."
San nods and breathes a sign of relief. It feels like he can finally fully relax after weeks of pretending everything is oké.
As soon as Hongjoong and San step out of the car, Seonghwa is standing outside waiting for them by the entrance of the building. Hongjoong texted him in the car, notifying Seonghwa they are on their way back. San looks surprised at Hongjoong.
"He texted me and tried to call me several times. He was really worried."
San feels warm inside when he hears that. Seonghwa is not seen as the mother of the group for nothing. Slowly he makes his way with the crutches to Seonghwa, Hongjoong walking beside him. As soon as he stands before him Seonghwa wraps his arms around San's neck, one hand combing through San's hair.
"Oh San-ah, I was so worried. Hongjoong told me over the phone. You okay?" he asks worriedly.
San leans against Seonghwa and nuzzles his cheek. Seonghwa's hair is still moist from the shower.
"Now I am," San says smiling.
Seonghwa lets go and looks with a pained expression at the crutches.
"Is the pain bad?"
San shrugs.
"It's okay, mornings are worse," he answers.
Seonghwa frowns. It took him every inch of self control to not step into a taxi and drive to the doctor when he heard the news. He and Hongjoong agreed to have an emergency meeting as soon as San and he returned. It's already midnight, but this can't wait. The rest are waiting inside slightly grumpy, because they want to sleep already.
"Let's make this quick, shall we?" Hongjoong says.
Everyone is sitting round the kitchen table, just as Seonghwa ordered.
"Where are they? I want to sleep already," Wooyoung whines.
He taps annoyed with his foot on the floor. Yunho shrugs.
"I'm sure it must be important if it could not wait until tomorrow."
"It better be," Wooyoung grumbles.
Jongho nods with a dazed look, already half asleep. After two minutes they hear the voices from San, Seonghwa and Hongjoong at the front door. Yeosang walks to the kitchen to get cups for everyone. A hot thermos bottle already stands on the table.
Hongjoong walks inside first. He nods to the rest and puts the bag with medicine on the kitchen counter. Yeosang raises his eyebrows.
"What's in the bag?"
"Medicine, take a seat," Hongjoong replies.
Yeosang, with a tray full of cups in his hands, looks worried at Hongjoong before he sets the tray on the table. Seonghwa walks in and holds the door open for San. Yunho immediately stands up and gasps.
"San, why do you have crutches?"
San looks sheepishly at Yunho. Before he can answer though, Seonghwa already hushes Yunho with his hand and gently helps San down on the nearest chair. Hongjoong stands beside San and clears his throat to catch everyone's attention.
"San will use the crutches for at least the next three weeks. He has been performing with a badly twisted knee. I want to have a meeting to discuss this. The fact is, San didn't say anything because he didn't want to ruin Kingdom for us or for the fans. If we hadn't participated in Kingdom, San would have said something. We have been told over and over during our trainee days that the show must go on. That disappointing fans is a big failure from our part. And this is not the first time someone felt obligated to overwork himself."
Hongjoong looks at the last sentence specifically at Jongho. Jongho looks uncomfortable at his cup in his hands. He knows what Hongjoong is hinting at. During the time he hurt his leg, he would often practice dancing even though his injury wasn't healed yet. Because of this, it took longer to recover. Hongjoong looks at Seonghwa.
"You also performed with a hurt back once."
Seonghwa swallows. He remembers that day clearly, he even needed help to stand up and walk that day. Everyone hums affirmative after Hongjoong's speech.
"You are right," Wooyoung says.
"Health comes first," Mingi says sternly.
Everyone nods. Hongjoong looks with a sad look at Jongho who's still staring at his cup.
"Sorry to bring up bad memories Jongho-ah. I only said it to use as an example. You okay baby?"
Jongho looks up and nods.
"Don't worry it's fine."
Mingi, who sits next to Jongho, caresses his thigh tenderly. San swallows. He looks at everyone individually before he speaks.
"I would like to apologize still, for not saying anything. It maybe looks like I don't trust you guys, but this is absolutely not the case. God, I love you all like crazy. I will admit I was a bit scared of how you guys would react. But only because we are all dead tired and have aching muscles. I... will do my very best to not let it happen a second time."
Wooyoung, who sits beside him, squeezes San’s good knee softly.
“We know Sannie. We love you too. Please be more careful next time.”
San nods. Wooyoung leans forward and bites San's earlobe as a playful warning to not hide something like this again. San yelps and pouts while putting a hand on his abused ear. Seonghwa, standing behind San, massages his neck to which San moans contently. The others watch and chuckle at the sight.
“Alright, time to sleep. I will talk with our manager tomorrow,” Hongjoong says.
Yunho immediately brings San’s crutches to him. San thanks him by pecking him on the cheek. Yunho smiles. Everyone gives San a kiss on the mouth or cheek to say goodnight. San hobbles to his and Yunho’s bedroom and lies down straight away. Yunho sits on his bedside.
“Anything you need baby?”
San winks teasingly.
“A goodnight kiss. Otherwise I can’t sleep.”
Yunho laughs and shakes his head.
”You tease.”
“But you love me for it,” San says.
Yunho strokes San’s cheek. San leans into his touch with a content sigh.
“You bet I do,” Yunho says. He leans in to give San a kiss on the forehead. San whines and pouts. Yunho chuckles and instead kisses San sweetly on the lips. San moans. This day definitely could have ended worse.