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The whole thing is fucking bizarre. To pretty much everyone involved.
You’ve dealt with the jokes, the comments, and the headlines, but this, this is different. Like really, this surpasses anything else that has happened.
Leah wasn’t showing at four months, a time that seems so long ago yet so familiar at once. It somehow got out that she was pregnant and the media had flared up at them for the first time since the island. You remember it like you would recall a bad dream.
On the second day of the news leak, you guys couldn’t even make it up to your own apartment. You couldn’t fathom that it was such big news three years off the island. Leah was just living her life. People get with other people, they go to school, they have kids, they break up. They swarmed at the door, asking if Leah had a boyfriend, if the two of you were raising the baby together, if you two were together, and yeah, that sucked, but it was nothing like this.
When Leah was at the six-month mark, Nora called and you answered because living life was hard without your sister. Things were different between you two since the island, but she tries to fix it and you do too. That night you had a long conversation and Nora mentioned she’d heard the news. There was no way she couldn’t have. She didn’t think what all the strangers do, much like the other girls. She did however, comment on how the baby probably recognized you as his father.
You acted like that’s was so surprising, you played the part as she told you the science behind it. You don’t know why you even pretended. You knew how he’d jump each time you glided your hand over Leah’s belly. Like he knew you, because he did, even then.
Still, nothing could have prepared you for a moment like this.
Not even when you’re at work, and everyone thinks things they would never say. Except for the kids.
Leah always has important meetings because she’s trying to get her book published, and there was a bug going around his daycare so Leah asked if she could drop him off. You have a very predictable schedule with a low workload so she dropped him off with you for the day.
He barely started crawling so you set his playpen up a safe distance from the pool so you could see him play while you taught. As a result, the kids could see him as well. The girls in your class cooed and awed for most of the session, but the boys were most inquisitive.
“I didn’t know you had a baby, Miss Rachel,” one said when you’re allowing them a brain break.
Another boy splashed him before saying “She can’t have a baby she doesn’t have a husband.”
That caught the girls’ attention and they jumped in the conversation before you had time to shut it down.
“Miss Rachel is like my mom, she has a wife,” little Jane rolled her eyes. She’s always been your favorite, though you don’t remember ever telling any of your students that you’re a lesbian. You’ve spoken to her parents at length and you’re pretty sure they must’ve told her at some point.
“It’s not her baby,” a particularly shy girl butted in “He’s white and Miss Rachel is black!”
You cut it off there and told them the truth, he’s your friend’s baby. You like to be mysterious because kids are hilarious. At the same time, you knew you needed to return to the lesson. It’s what you get paid for.
You left their parents to deal with any wonders that may have awoken.
That instance doesn’t bother you as much. Kids really just don’t know, and there’s always an adjustment period. Just like when they began taking your class and asked about your prosthetic hand. It’s innocent.
What’s not innocent are the malicious rumors news outlets spread about you. They spread things about Leah too. Luckily, they’re smaller and less significant outlets, but it affects Leah the most.
“I’ll have to go by a pen name at this point,” Leah told you one day as she scrolled through what was being said about the whole group.
There is so much people don’t know. It makes you question every piece of media you have ever consumed. They say Shelby is having doubts about Toni and that’s why they haven’t tied the knot. They’re barely twenty and in school. There’s an entire article about Fatin’s struggle with alleged alcoholism, it includes an interview with one of her hookups. Fatin told the group chat he didn’t even last a minute.
The one Leah is looking at details a passionate affair between the two of you that resulted in Leah getting dumped by her boyfriend. This information was apparently from a “close source” and you’re not quite sure how it’s legal for someone to downright lie like this. The article also talks about how you begged Leah to get an abortion. It’s insane, but you guess it sells.
It’s not all untrue, even a broken clock is right twice a day. Shelby is still grappling with her faith, seventeen years of indoctrination doesn’t just fade away. Fatin’s coping mechanisms are all the same, though the reasons she does them have changed. And Leah knows how you feel.
It’s so obvious. There have been so many moments where your feelings have been clear, and you know they’re there for her too. It’s not as weird as you would think it’d be, and definitely not as scandalous as it’s been painted out.
Your friendship has survived a lot. It was just two weeks ago that Leah was down about her postpartum body again because she’s so sure nothing is the same anymore. There was no convincing her, but you still try every time.
Before you had time to think, like actually run it through your head, you leaned down and kissed her abdomen three times. A vertical line towards the hem of her sweatpants. You knew that you were mumbling some variation of calling her beautiful but you felt her hand curl around your shoulder, she went stiff as a board and all thoughts were lost. It happened within a second, you heard her labored breathing and her hand pressed harder like she wanted you to-
The baby monitor sounded with incomprehensible chatter and you both snapped out of it.
You pulled away a little shocked and Leah scurried off to tend to him. There was no moment to discuss it and you knew you narrowly escaped.
You don’t think you can count on anything saving you from this .
“Mama,” he babbles out, disjuncted and unstable.
You stand stunned for a moment, like lightning has struck you. Your eyes search for Leah, to make sure she was there with you for yet another first.
When you find her you realize he’s not reaching for Leah.
He’s reaching for you.
Everyone in the room feels the tension. Dot says something about needing a cigarette and Nora follows her out. You hardly notice because you’re trying to sort through what the fuck is happening. You have never, ever been referred to as “Mama”.
Leah calls you Auntie when she’s talking to him.
“Say hi to Auntie Rachel!” Leah sings most mornings.
Since he started crawling more dependably (and sometimes walking) Leah’s been setting him on your bed while she gets dressed. It’s a symbiotic routine, Leah has time to get dressed and you get your morning cuddles with him.
Fatin is the one who finally picks him up though he wiggles in her grasp, now desperately grabbing at you. You know he’s starting to throw a fit in her arms when he dramatically throws his head back.
You look back to Leah feeling hopeless in front of all your friends.
“Is Auntie Rachel being mean to mommy? Yes she is!” Leah says to him when you won’t give her something she’s asked for.
“We can give y’all some privacy,” Shelby offers, Toni hot on her tail but Leah quickly rejects her.
You feel a little sick.
“No, we can talk later,” Leah dismisses before turning to you “Can you put him in his chair? I just want to eat in peace.”
You nod silently and take him from Fatin. What else can you do? Besides stare at the back of her head as she heads to the kitchen.
The other girls carry the conversation away from the awkwardness over dinner, luckily. It only seems to stand between the two of you, and it doesn’t help that she won’t look at you from the opposite end of the table.
After everyone’s left, Toni and Shelby hang back to play with the baby a while longer so he’s preoccupied as you and Leah clean up.
You speak up first “I didn’t teach him to say that shit.”
It sounds defensive and you feel so guilty. And lost, because you’re telling the truth.
Leah nods slowly as she washes the dishes. You join her at the sink to dry, and you kind of expect her to say something in response. Anything. You know she feels something .
A couple of minutes pass and the dishes are nearly done. You can’t take it anymore.
“Okay Leah, I’m really sorry but I need you to say something. There will be other times, he’s going to be talking for real soon. I can make it up to you, somehow--”
In one swift motion, Leah shuts the sink off and turns away from you. For a second you think she’s going to storm away, but she doesn’t.
“It’s okay Rachel,” she says, and it’s so, so soft. You hear her sharp inhale before she pivots back to face you. “I think we need some space from you.”
You stand deathly still and let her words wash over you. It takes a moment but you accept it, not that she needs the permission. Leah can’t be gone for long, her life is here with you.
“Okay, how long? I can pack his stuff, and if you’re not leaving right away I can find those baking pans we took from your mom’s house last Christmas,” you say and get right to looking for them so she doesn’t see how bad you’re shaking.
It won’t be so terrible, you tell yourself. Leah is clearly hurt, and being around with any kind of resentment is bad for the baby anyway. Once Leah has had room to breathe, they’ll both come back to you.
Leah places her hand on your shoulder and it’s all the preamble you need to know that she’s about to break your heart into a million pieces.
“We’re moving out.”
And it sounds so final in the moment. It’s like so much has happened in the span of three hours you can’t catch up fast enough. You stare up at her with tears filling your eyes till they’re spilling out.
“He’s just a baby, Leah. He knows who his mom is,” You whisper because if you pitch your voice up any higher you’re going to break down in the middle of the kitchen.
Your heart actually fucking aches. You’re not going to see him anymore, it’s so unfair.
“I don’t think he does,” Leah disagrees and starts drying the dishes you didn’t finish.
You pinch the bridge of your nose as you pace behind her. You wonder why she doesn’t seem to care and try fruitlessly to think clear thoughts. You feel a sob start to well up in your throat but you push through it to speak anyway, “I don’t understand, you can’t just take my-- my little friend away from me. He’ll notice too, he’ll miss me. I’ll miss him, I’ll miss you. Don’t you think you’ll miss me too?”
“This isn’t to hurt you. I’m his mom, and I have to protect him,” Leah affirms and you know she’s crying too from the lilt in her voice.
“I protect him too, we’re working together in case you forgot,” You blurt, and it has a healthy dose of attitude in it.
It’s a part of you that’s been long filed away since Leah told you she was pregnant.
“That’s the problem, Rachel. It’s clearly confusing him. And maybe-- maybe it’s confusing me too. I keep thinking we have this thing because you’re making me breakfast and taking care of my son, and I wanna kiss you so fucking bad and I thought you wanted to kiss me and I thought-- I don’t know. Somehow I thought you would be happy he called you mom, but I see now that that was ridiculous because it’s not your responsibility and you don’t want it to be and I’m not shaming you for that--”
“Fuck, are you serious? Obviously, I want to be with you and he’s basically my son. I just haven’t been able to imagine a world where I get to have both so I said nothing.” So why does it feel like you're losing both anyway?
There’s an elongated pause. All that’s heard is both of you practically panting. Then, out of nowhere Leah just starts laughing. Like she’s been told the funniest joke in the world. It reminds you of your time on the island.
“What the hell Leah?”
When Leah finally sobers up enough to reply she’s still a little giggly “I’m just so happy you want us, I thought I was going crazy.”
“ I actually was going crazy when you threatened to leave me like ten minutes ago,” you say seriously, as you pull a paper towel free to wipe your eyes. You pull another sheet and wipe hers too.
You stare at her face as you do so. You should kiss her, right? You’ve only ever thought about it, never actually considered going through with it.
“But why did it bother you so much when he called you that? It made me so happy when I first heard it. I couldn’t be happier even if he said it to me.”
“I was happy too, but I never want it to be at your expense. That’s all I was worried about,” You answer before tossing your trash in the designated bin.
Now, it’s your moment. You go in a little closer and Leah catches your drift, placing her palm on your cheek. She leans down and you tilt your head up--
“Howdy!” Toni barges in, speaking with a truly horrific Texan accent that even Shelby looks traumatized by. You and Leah jump apart for obvious reasons.
If either of them notice, they don’t acknowledge it. Toni is holding your son on her shoulders, securely, of course, he doesn’t have that much core strength, yet. Shelby is in tow grinning at you both.
“We wanted to show y’all something,” Shelby continues beaming, “There are all those pictures in the nursery and he’s gotten real vocal tonight.”
Toni is too excited to go with Shelby’s lead up it seems, “Check out what I got this little guy to do on command!”
She points to you and he burbles out “Mama” once again and before you can react Toni moves her finger to Leah and he sounds “Ah-me!”
She shifts her finger back and forth a few times and yeah, you cry again.