Work Text:
It started when he woke up. The fog in his brain clouded over his eyes and left his body feeling heavy. His hair was weighted with the mess it carried, and his fingers twitched every time he took a deep breath. He hasn’t gotten this bad in years. The last time he was like this was when Oda had died in the cruelest way he could. The thought of his best friend’s death sent whirlpools to invade his stomach, nausea controlling his senses.
How many years has it been since his death?
Two?
Three?
Four?
It feels as if it were just yesterday. He could feel the remnants of Oda’s fingers in his hair, making the panic rush to Dazai’s head and straight into his fingers. It was haunting, seeing the one you adore being taken away from you. Dazai’s knees buckled, his legs hitting the floor harshly with a resounding smack.
He was trembling, Dazai noted. His fingers were twitching against the carpeted floor, the static from the rug almost building in between his fingers. He couldn’t focus on anything, his mind filled with cotton and his ears buzzing from the sudden anxiety cocooning his head.
A sudden vibration on the floor temporarily paused Dazai’s thought process, ceasing the overwhelming anxiety that was consuming him. He slowly refocused his vision, eventually realizing that the vibrations were from his phone. He slowly lifted himself from his previous position, stretching his arm out to reach his cell phone. Dazai looked at the contact’s name on his phone and blinked twice.
It was Kunikida who was calling.
Dazai’s breath hitched as he shakily answered the call, clearing his throat before doing so.
“Dazai, where the hell are you? You’re forty minutes late for work! God forbid you to get here on time for once.”
Dazai zoned out a little, Kunikida’s voice only a slight buzz in his eardrums.
“Dazai, are you hearing me?! You’re late. Get your ass over here, and I mean now.”
Dazai blinked once, finally processing what Kunikida had just said.
“Uhm, yeah. I’ll- I’ll be there in a few,” Dazai replied softly, his usual ‘cheery’ tone not making an appearance although Dazai wanted it to. Before Kunikida could reply, Dazai abruptly ended the call, not wanting to hear the next words that came out of Kunikida’s mouth.
God forbid that Kunikida cares.
In fifteen minutes, Dazai was able to shower and make himself look presentable for everyone in the agency. He wouldn’t want them to worry, distance would be the best for both him and them.
Worry only causes irrationality, irrationality causes care, and care causes hurt. He’s done enough hurting in his life to last him years, and he hopes that with the opportunity he was given he’d be able to stop such a thing from happening once more.
Of course, hurt is inevitable, but it always seems to follow Dazai no matter what he does. It lingers beneath his skin, coursing through the veins within his body. Pain lingers within the past, within the two people he affected the most, within the two people that he abandoned.
Two.
Such a little number. Normally a number as small as two wouldn’t change anything, but when it comes to lives a multitude of things changes. It’s terrifying, how your actions could completely rewire someone’s mindset, their view about the world, and themselves.
Dazai has been able to do that to an extensive group of people; he wouldn’t even be able to count the amount with just his fingers. He inwardly cringes as he thinks about it. Atonement is a journey, he didn’t expect it to be easy, but he didn’t expect to feel such immense guilt either.
Guilt was something that he simply wasn’t taught. Within the mafia, there is no guilt. There’s no remorse or empathy. Only neutrality, vengeance, and hostility. The closest thing that came to purity was the relationships he kept within his memories.
Oda, Ango, Akutagawa, and Chuuya. Unfortunately, each one of those relationships has been tarnished by unforeseen circumstances, and by the very first feeling of regret. Never has Dazai felt something as strong as regret, his chest constricting with every beat of his heart, almost like a dangerous game of Russian roulette.
He sighed at his desk, staring blankly at the wood. He caught up to all of his missing paperwork that was originally neglected in the past week, causing plenty of heads to turn and peer at him, disbelief etched onto each of their features. Was it that surprising for him to finish his work? He didn’t realize how much of a big deal it was. If he did, he would’ve avoided it once more, but that would let his thoughts linger, and that’s the last thing he needs.
Dazai looked around the office, his eyes roaming the decorations until they land on Kunikida.
He was working as hard as ever. “He really should take a break sometime,” Dazai notes. One of these days, he’ll trick him into taking one. “It would be good for him,” Dazai reasons. Before he knows it, Dazai has been staring at Kunikida for one minute, which turns into two, which then turns into three, and by the time he realizes what he’s doing, Kunikida has already caught him in the act.
A part of Dazai is oddly embarrassed, and another part of him decides to smile at him in the way that he always does, leaving Kunikida slightly disarrayed and flustered. This time, Kunikida responds to the smile with a soft stare and a nod, leaving Dazai confused.
He looked right through him.
It may not have been obvious to the others, but Dazai just knew that Kunikida saw through his facade, making his breath hitch in his throat. He was as careful as he could be, but of course, nothing gets past those pale green eyes of his. Dazai’s face crumbles for a split second, no one else noticing this but Kunikida.
Dazai clears his throat for a second, considering what he could do. It’s close to the end of work, with only about thirty minutes left to spare. He already did all of his paperwork, his folder filled with the papers in order, just the way Kunikida likes it.
He could always nap or listen to music. He could also bother Atsushi, but he looks so focused so he doesn’t want to ruin it just like he has many times before. Poor thing. Maybe he should treat him to Chazuke later. But, maybe he doesn’t need to, considering that Akutagawa and Atsushi are together, he’s sure that Atsushi gets treated well enough.
By the time Dazai gets snapped out of his daze, it’s already 20 minutes until work is over. Naomi and Junichiro have left, including Kyouka and Yosano. Kenji was already packing his things, and Ranpo had left an hour earlier to hang out with Poe. The president is already in his dormitory, Dazai presumes, though the thought of that made him feel slightly anxious.
The office looked so lonely without most of the members there, leaving an unpleasant feeling coiling in Dazai’s abdomen. Dazai chews on his lower lip, looking to see who stayed, which would, of course, be Kunikida
Dazai sighed and decided to clean his desk a bit before going home. He gently rearranged the pictures and the succulent that Kenji got him to a different place on his desk, making it a lot more spacious. His pencils were then arranged from height, making everything tie in together. Dazai’s chest felt a little lighter after the organization, his shoulders less tense.
He smiled softly, grabbing the rest of his items before moving towards the door. He was only a few feet away from the door before there was a yank on his right wrist and his body twisted completely, face hitting Kunikida’s chest. Dazai scrunched his nose at the sudden contact, slowly backing away from his chest and looking at Kunikida straight in the eyes.
“Well that was awfully rude Kunikida, don’t you think?” Dazai teased.
Kunikida scoffed at Dazai’s sentence. There were multiple instances where Dazai has portrayed improper behavior within work. Kunikida grabbing his wrist was nothing compared to everything else Dazai has done.
“Rude my ass. Dazai, tell me what’s going on,” Kunikida demanded.
Dazai’s eyes widened, not expecting Kunikida to confront him. It was weird. This has never happened to him before. No one ever wanted to check in on him, and he thought that it was better if they didn’t. His problems are solely his own, there’s no reason to talk about his feelings if he could ignore them easily. They only got in the way of work.
“Nothing is wrong Kunikida! I have no idea where you got the idea that something happened. Are you okay?” Dazai countered. He prayed that Kunikida would leave him be after this. He doesn’t deserve the care, especially from him.
Kunikida’s hand tightened slightly around Dazai’s wrist. Not enough to inflict pain, but enough to the point where he could feel the heavy pressure on it.
“Enough with the bullshit Dazai. I know that you’re not okay, and I’m…” Kunikida paused, sighing shakily. “I’m worried about you, okay? Talk to me, please,” Kunikida finished.
Dazai’s heart dropped, his expression crumbling once more, and his shoulders shaking. He thought that he was doing so well at hiding it, he really did. He doesn’t deserve the gentle care that Kunikida is offering, he doesn’t. He shouldn’t taint Kunikida with the blood on his hands. Why couldn’t Kunikida understand that?
“Kunikida, as I said, nothing is wro-”
“Bullshit. ”
Dazai flinched slightly at his tone.
Why was he so persistent?
“Dazai, I know how much you dislike discussing your problems, but please, I know you’re not okay. You don’t need to lie about this to me. I want you to be okay, even if you don’t see yourself worthy to be so. I can tell that you’re shaken about something, I just need to know what it is so I can help you.”
Dazai’s fingers were twitching as tears made their way to his eyes, and slowly slid down his cheeks. Kunikida’s eyes widened slightly in surprise. He didn’t expect Dazai to cry, it was the last thing he thought he’d do.
“Kunikida, don’t you understand?” Dazai said shakily, “I don’t deserve this.”
Kunikida’s heart broke at Dazai’s voice. He sounds so scared, so small. It was a new side of him that Kunikida has never had the opportunity of witnessing until now.
“What don’t you deserve, Dazai?”
“Your reassurance,” he answered, “Your care,” he replied once more.
Dazai took in a trembling breath, his whole body was visibly shaking.
“You,” Dazai sobbed.
Kunikida’s face dropped, Dazai’s tears fell faster, his face contorting into one of pain and confusion, leaving Kunikida stunned. He wrapped his arms around Dazai’s waist, pulling him into his chest, allowing for Dazai to hide his face in it. Dazai’s hand lifted to the collar of Kunikida’s shirt, his fingers wrapping around the fabric and tightening onto it, almost as if he were trying to ground himself.
Dazai’s crying became a little louder, enticing Kunikida to run his fingers through Dazai’s hair as a way to calm him down. He never realized how much pain Dazai was in, and he wanted to kick himself for it.
Instead of doing so, he placed his chin on Dazai’s head, his thumbs rubbing circles on his waist. He whispered sweet nothings into the air, hoping that they were able to reach Dazai’s ears. Soon enough, Dazai’s sobs turned into soft sniffles, then into shaky breaths.
Slowly, Dazai pushed his head back, meeting Kunikida’s worried gaze. Kunikida lifted one of his hands to Dazai’s damp cheek, gently thumbing away the stray tears that fell from Dazai’s eyelashes, leaving Dazai’s breath to stutter once more at the gentleness.
“Dazai,” Kunikida began, leaving Dazai nervous.
What more is he going to say?
“I may not know what happened within your past, and I may not know what experiences constantly replay in your mind, all that I know is that I want you to be okay, that I want you to feel safe enough to talk to me about these things, or anything at all. It doesn’t need to be serious, only when it truly has to be. You have the keys to my apartment, so use them whenever you need to. I assure you that it’s alright.”
Dazai’s eyes glossed over once more, a familiar warmth spread across his chest, leaving him feeling lighter than he did before. Kunikida caressed Dazai’s cheek once more, then lifted the bangs off his forehead to leave a soft kiss onto the skin.
Dazai’s hands tightened on Kunikida’s shirt once more, not expecting the sudden feeling of soft lips onto his skin. It was new, it was scary, but it was welcomed. Kunikida stared down into Dazai’s deep brown eyes, his heart vibrating at the soft shine of them.
“Beautiful,” Kunikida thought, his cheeks heating a bit at the scene in front of him.
Dazai blinked at him, a small smile dusting over his lips, flustering Kunikida even more.
To add more fuel to the fire, Dazai conjured up an idea to both repay Kunikida in lieu of thanks and to fluster him even more.
“Hey, Kunikida,” Dazai began, his heart racing at the action that he’s about to pull.
“Hm?” Kunikida inquired, completely oblivious to Dazai’s plan.
Then, in a sudden movement, Dazai placed his lips atop of Kunikida, causing the blond to short circuit momentarily before returning the kiss in a soft movement. Dazai smiled softly into the kiss, his hand moving from the collar of Kunikida’s shirt to the back of his neck, tracing patterns into the nape of it. Kunikida shivered at the motion, his hand moving from Dazai’s waist to his hip, his index finger curling around the belt loop of Dazai’s pants.
Dazai smiled once more, backing away from the kiss, Kunikida chasing after his lips.
“Save that for someplace else, Kunikida...You’re too risky,” Dazai teased, his eyes peering up at Kunikida in a manner that would make anyone’s knees buckle at the sight.
Kunikida looked at Dazai’s face, his eyes trailing it up and down, making Dazai’s face heat up.
“Yeah right, you’re one to talk Osamu,” Kunikida said, his name rolling off his tongue in a whisper. Kunikida’s raspy voice nearly made Dazai lose balance, a sudden heat enveloping his body. Kunikida laughed gently, dimples leaving indents on his cheeks. Dazai cupped Kunikida’s face, not able to handle the overwhelming emotions within his chest, and led Kunikida’s lips onto his own.
Dazai’s lips softly brushed against Kunikida’s, the blond tugging Dazai’s belt loop towards him, a gasp leaving Dazai’s lips. “You’re so…” one kiss, “desperate to…” another kiss, “kiss me…” a third, “ Doppo …” a pause.
Dazai licked his lips, gazing into Kunikida’s eyes once more.
“Yet I’m the risky one, huh? Using my first name in such a way…” Kunikida grumbled. Dazai laughed at Kunikida’s mock annoyance. It was endearing.
“Doppo, don’t you think it’s time for us to go? It’s about,” Dazai checked the clock behind Kunikida and looked back at him with a smile on his face, “twenty minutes past closing time.” Kunikida gasped, he never realized how off schedule he was and-
Dazai was laughing.
He lied.
Of course, he lied.
What more is there to expect from the Dazai Osamu?
“You’re terrible,” Kunikida complained.
“And you’re horrible at picking up my lies. I thought you’d know better, Doppo!”
Kunikida tsked at Dazai’s jab, not wanting to admit that most of the time, he purposely falls for the lies just to make Dazai smile, but, he doesn’t need to know that.
Dazai smiled up at Kunikida’s expression, a knowing shine appearing in his eyes.
If he stared at Dazai longer than he needs to, he doesn’t need to know that either.
Only that he’s willing to help him whenever he needs, even if it brings him off schedule for-
Kunikida checked the time briefly.
Five minutes.
With them walking side by side towards Kunikida’s dorm, the moonlight shining upon them, they both knew the one thing they share.
Trust.
If Dazai was caught smiling at the idea, no one said a word.