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Published:
2021-11-23
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2021-11-30
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2/2
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must i die before you feel alive

Summary:

The hill Violet chooses to die on had a red string tied around the little finger and impossibly blue eyes.

Notes:

sorry to all the blue & red string lovers out there, i promise it'll get better (or not)

.....lmao that sounds bad out of context i know

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1

Chapter Text

 

 

Vi wakes up to a red string tied to her pinky finger.

Its redness is so familiar. Nothing new, nothing surprising. Same as blood, its warmth, and the rage of crimson cheeks. Coursing through veins, pumping a thing inside and somehow it makes everyone human. 

That’s cool. Good. Fine by her. 

For Vi would’ve been so irrationally ticked off if the string has been blue.

Blue is so boring. Cold and distant. Empty, the most lifeless thing she has ever laid her eyes on. She always feels drained, how a foolish color can suck the life out of her. She'd prefer any color, absolutely anything, as long as it isn't any shade of blue. Like it’s everywhere and anywhere it shouldn't be. 

She’s sick of it. 

(She’s afraid of it—the blue smoke being lit up into the sky and all that’s gone down haunting her every single day, the color of explosion turning everything into her new hell, and the blue hair putting up with her fuck-ups nowadays.)

 

 

Leading exactly to where Caitlyn is, Vi guesses that the red string makes her a little unafraid. Not because it’s navigation, a shortcut, or an ambush. Not because it’s a borderline case where it'll turn out to be a dream or just becomes a creepy curse.   

But because when Vi reaches and sees Caitlyn being busy while reading all those boring papers on the table, Vi feels like she’s exactly meant to be there. 

In front of everyone, these two are just incompatible partners. One’s hotheaded and rash and another one’s just calm and composed.

Funny because no one must've ever seen Caitlyn when she's downright pissed off.

Not Vi though. She’s been on the receiving end for all of these months they’re by each other’s side.

And even then, Vi knows Caitlyn's arms are the closest thing to home.

 


Vi hates Caitlyn the first time she meets her.

Dressed up as an Enforcer, standing up with firmness and righteousness, so far away from where Vi’s standing even if she’s only steps away. 

Another asshole criminal in a fancy uniform.

Vi then notices how Caitlyn stares curiously at the red line on the ground. 

The steel bars of that jail may have been separating them, but anyone who’s behind that line has more chances to be... safe. 

Safe from seeing inmate 516 up close, away from her grabbing hands. Safe from anything the person with a sunny personality locked up in a cage can do. No one ever crosses the line. Except for the ones who are trying to talk or teach her a lesson, both of which never end well. 

Caitlyn steps forward, now showing a notebook with sketches and notes, then she suddenly asks, “Does this mean anything to you?”

Probably not like those asshole criminals wearing a fancy uniform. 

Vi isn’t sure if it’s better, but the person before her is just a golden girl who can ride off into the sunset. Everything she wants, she gets. Deep down so goddamn sweet, Vi knows that anywhere Caitlyn goes alone, everything is bound to eat her alive.

Vi only knows that ‘cause she will. In a heartbeat.

 

 

The next few weeks after Vi discovered that red string are pure torture. Vi and Caitlyn are walking along the streets. Caitlyn has her head down, trying to decipher the map they’ve been given earlier.

Vi stares at the dangling red thread around Caitlyn’s pinky finger. How it seems to be floating. How it seems to be so unreal, it’s a wonder why her mind isn’t going insane from seeing it.

“Hey, Cupcake, does the red thread not bother you when you work?” Vi asks casually. “You usually use a thread with this kind of color when you’re plotting a map for an investigation, right?”

Caitlyn seems to stop for a second before turning around to stare at Vi. 

Vi can never read Caitlyn’s face at times like these. Of course, this time isn’t going to be any different.

“What do you mean?”

“What, that…” Vi points to that string between them. “The red string? You don’t see it?”

Caitlyn raises a brow, scoffing. “What are you on about this time? Is this another case of you being bored?”

“You don’t see it?”

“See what exactly?”

“What, shit. Wait, I thought you could see it too,” Vi utters while scratching her elbow, confused. “Well, okay then... Sorry ‘bout that.”

 

 

“So I’ve asked around. Not surprising that no one knows or cares about it. Maybe this is just my thing. Or it means something to both of us and I need to crack the code alone.”

Silence.

After a minute, Caitlyn still doesn’t say anything, so Vi continues, “Or someone had put a curse on me, although I wouldn’t know who did it. I've pissed some people off throughout my entire life and they’re quite a lot... No, sorry, I'm being annoying."

Caitlyn groans and says in a firm voice, "Vi, I told you countless times that you never have to hold your tongue around me. Tell me anything you want to."

“Oh. Okay.” Vi stops herself from smiling. “I think I'm kind of trying to manifest the power for you to see it out of thin air. And then it'll be cool, it’ll be a special thing between us.”

Caitlyn turns her attention elsewhere. “How is that possible—No, I can’t even start and won’t try to. Sure, whatever. Try describing it to me.”

“What?”

“The red thing. Thread, string, cord, whatever it is! Describe it!”

“Okay, take it easy. It might sound strange though. Or it might creep you out. This isn’t for the likes of you, so maybe it’s also why you can’t see it. Only people who can handle it are the ones with the big responsi—”

“Shut up. Begin describing it or get lost.”

“It’s... red.”

“God, Vi, you’ve been spouting so many things that I don’t get but when it comes down to it, all you can say is that it’s red?”

Vi laughs. “It’s true! It’s red and it ties our pinky fingers. My right one to your left one.”

“Is that it?”

“I can’t touch it physically, but I can see it shorten when the distance also reduces between us. When I’m far away from you, it’s like this tangled mess that’s scattered everywhere on the floor.”

“What about now, Vi? Is it… a mess?”

“No, no. It isn’t like that at all. Now it’s just leading me directly to you like it’s asking me to hold your hand.”

Caitlyn opens her mouth to speak, but the doors open. Duty finally calls, their conversation can wait. 

 

 

A week has passed before the topic’s been brought up again. Vi’s even surprised that Caitlyn is the one who starts by asking, “What… What do you think you'd do if I did see that red thing you’re talking about?” 

“Oh, this very normal thing that I only get to have and see?” Vi raises her pinky finger. “Yes, sure. Well, to be honest, it’s been a part of my life now so I’m getting used to it.”

“You didn’t answer the question.”

“It’s really—nothing. Let’s just say my imagination went into overdrive and leave it at that.”

“So you mean it isn’t really a big deal anymore?”

“Not like I can do anything about it if it’s real. I can’t do anything to make you see what I see. I kind of want you to think I’m not crazy or a liar.” Vi smiles while staring at her pinky finger, and she adds mindlessly, “More or less, I would’ve been happy if you did see it.”

Caitlyn hears it, despite Vi’s attempt to mutter those words under her breath. 

“Happy?”

“Of course? I don't know," Vi stares at her fingers. "I sometimes feel I dreamed this up. These past few days, I kept on wishing to never be apart from you. Like when you suddenly hugged this stranger out of nowhere ‘cause you thought they’re nice after they brought this thing back that they actually stole.”

“What’s that got to do with this?” Caitlyn questions, slightly miffed.

“I think I can’t stop you from doing those things, but I can keep you safe if I’m around you.” 

“You’re always around me.”

“That’s the point. It’s why it could turn from nothing to something, or the other way around, in just a second.”

“Huh. Too bad I can’t see it. Then you could've become my hero anytime you want.”

“Too bad,” Vi echoes.

 

 

Vi becomes aware that she must’ve been in love with Caitlyn—or anything that explains how by Caitlyn’s side, Vi knows that she belongs—as that rain pours.

Her soul keeps screaming inside, not wanting to walk away. The hardest raindrops are deafening, yet all she can hear is Caitlyn’s voice asking, “What about us?”

Oil and water may have been the only words that come out of Vi’s lips. But they both knew this is more than the Topsider and Undercity anymore. Those days, the times they’ve spent together, can’t be simply explained with empty, dividing words like topside and bottom. This isn’t because Caitlyn’s family is living in this big, shiny house. Or how Vi doesn't have a place to come home to anymore.

The two already know they can trust each other, in spite of and despite all those things. 

But what Vi truly means is, you’re so bright and you’re the blending of all colors that is so pure and clean, I’m the paint with all colors blended so aimlessly that my world ends up in darkness and everything I do turns to a tragic flaw.

 

 

Lying on that mattress in Caitlyn’s spacious room, the softness of it doesn’t compare to their eyes being soft on each other. This has happened before; that’s the first time Vi has given a try to open up about her past, her emotions, and what she’s done to her family. 

Caitlyn caresses Vi’s cheek, as always, with ardent passion. In that silence between them, it’s like there’s nothing in the world but the two of them. At that moment, that's all that matters.

“I think you’re lying, Cupcake,” Vi mutters under her breath.

“About… what?”

“This red between us. I think you do see it.”

Caitlyn’s eyes widen a little. “What?” 

“You’ve been somewhat distant the moment I mentioned something about it.”

“Huh? No, no. I. Was. Not! And why would I ever lie about such a thing?”

“I don’t know. Pick one. Pride, disgust, or fear?” 

“...Care to elaborate first?”

“Sure,” Vi agrees easily. She budges, taking a folded paper out of her jacket pockets. “I got bored again, so I wrote a list. You love making these, so I thought I’d try my hand.”

“Let’s hear it then.”

Vi begins reading, “First up is pride, which is such a big deal. Maybe you’re the first to be aware of this… uh, rare cool shit red thing… but noticed I didn’t know, so you tucked in your big girl pants and decided to make me suffer this time ‘round. Maybe you’re doing the red tape style too.”

“That’d be interesting if any of it’s true. What about disgust?”

“Disgust is, uh, I feel like I shouldn’t say that it’s disgusting for you to be tied with me. That’s awful for me. But maybe, you’re disgusted by the fact that your subconscious must’ve been searching for me. So, fuck, that just sounded like I’m being overconfident or vain. Let’s just move on.”

Caitlyn rolls her eyes. The mere action seems so stunning in Vi’s eyes. “What about fear?”

“I can’t get you to admit anything anyway. Although, I understand if you saw it before and became afraid. I mean, of all people, right? Why me? I was also confused at first. But when I followed the thread and it ended up with you on the other side, it’s like…”

“Like what?”

“I was afraid, only ‘cause I felt so relieved. Like anyone other than you on that end would’ve been—yeah, no, I can’t even imagine. So if this is a temporary thing or for a lifetime, which would be so amazingly terrifying, it’s with you so fine by me.”

“Vi.”

“What?”

Caitlyn grabs the paper from Vi’s hands. She easily does this, turns out unsurprised when she sees that the paper Vi’s reading from, is empty. 

Caitlyn gives Vi another eye roll as she comments, “You’re an enigma to me.”

“That’s right. Only to you.”

“I see. Other sides of you I only get to see, huh?” Caitlyn grins. A genuine one, the kind that easily reaches the eyes. “I must be special.”

“You’re right,” Vi utters mindlessly before closing her eyes slowly, feeling at ease. “I still think you’re lying though.”

“Whatever helps you sleep at night, Vi.”

 

 

“Oh, fuck. Look at that, the thread’s been cut. Finally some load off your shoulders, huh, Cupcake.”

Caitlyn’s gaze immediately lands on her left hand’s pinky finger, out of panic.

Her eyes grow huge when what’s happening fully registers to her. Then her pretty eyes move all over Vi’s face.

“I’m impressed, Vi, you’ve been a worthy opponent.” Caitlyn puts both of her hands up in the air like she’s admitting defeat. She even breathes a little sigh of relief, her baby-blues angelic and evil. 

Her blue is a sight to behold, not of like sea glass or an ocean or the sky. That blue is hers alone.

"Since when?” Vi asks. “Or was I right about my speculations?”

Caitlyn bites her lower lip, showing that she’ll never speak a word of it.

The scene before Vi’s eyes is the most beautiful thing she believes she’s ever seen in her entire life. That even if another majestic moment comes sooner or later, Vi would be so glad to be proven wrong.

“So you do see it."

"Do you think with these—with my red and blue—I'll end up with you, Violet?"

Vi tries to stop herself from grinning, absolutely fails at it, and raises her pinky finger to Caitlyn. 

Finally surrendering, Caitlyn puts her arms down but opens the palm of her left hand in the direction of Vi. As if it’s asking to be held, as if it has been eternally asking after hers and she wouldn’t have to give it back.

Vi closes the distance between them.



 

(“Do you know what this means, Vi? It’s what led me to you.” 

“W...What?”

“I’ve been looking for you everywhere. And this strange cord suddenly appears! I don’t know why I followed it. All I know is that I wanted to see you. All’s well that ends well, I guess.”

“What again? Cait—you’re speaking so fast with words that I do know, but you still aren’t making any sense.”

“Ah. Doesn't matter. You know what? Nevermind.”

“What do you mean, Cupcake?”

“No matter what, I know I'll always find my way to you.”)

Chapter 2

Summary:

Caitlyn's discretion, of the red string from the light tint of red, is the better part of valor.

Chapter Text

 

 

A red string suddenly appears around Caitlyn’s pinky finger.

She has a good grasp of the concept of magic, more or less from her dearest friend. So she’s aware that this isn’t like that kind of magic, or if it is, it’s distinctly new. 

The red pulses gently to the sky as if it ties to something beyond the lands from her feet.

All of a sudden, she recalls lying awake at midnight to Vi’s sleeping face. Thinking silently to herself that she knows something that Vi doesn’t, as she lightly traces the bruised area on Vi’s cheek. Brushing away the other shade of red of Vi’s hair, away from her face.

Similar to that bouquet of red roses given by a stranger to Caitlyn that she merely put on the vase inside her room. Genuinely forgetting to take care of it as days go by, all the flowers sitting there, withering and wasting away.

Vi’s bruise is still a red mark, still fresh, not healing. 

But Caitlyn knows enough of these kinds of injuries that the colors will change soon. 

 

 

Caitlyn’s never been desperate to see someone.

She, however, finds herself walking aimlessly; her blood flowing as she follows the strange string. She doesn’t know if she’d end up walking into danger or a trick or a hoax. 

She ends up almost crashing into a person who comes out of nowhere.

If Caitlyn’s memory serves her correctly, from all their past shenanigans, she knows of only one person who can jump from a roof down to the ground in a second.

Caitlyn leans in and lets out a curt, “Vi,” and immediately stops when she notices how that red thing has shortened. 

That red string isn’t drifting up to the sky anymore. It’s here—it ends with Vi. 

Every air in the vast city seems to go still as Vi waves her hand in front of Caitlyn’s face. The red string swaying right there, right around Vi’s pinky finger of her right hand. 

Caitlyn’s eyes then land on the other people around them, minding their own businesses—nothing red, not one. Caitlyn checks to see hers again. There, again, only attached to the both of them.

“Hello? Hey, Cupcake? Are you okay?” Vi asks softly. “Is this about the jumping or something from high grounds? I’m sorry, I didn’t expect that you’d be here.”

Caitlyn wants to call Vi out on that. To make it clear that getting caught isn’t the same as jumping out of the sky which ends with the possibility of Vi getting injured. 

But Caitlyn doesn’t. She only feels relieved that it also makes her a bit nervous, her nerves slightly escalating as seconds go by.

“Do you know what this means, Vi? It’s what led me to you,” Caitlyn murmurs.

“W...What?”

Caitlyn clears her throat and she says, louder and faster this time, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere. And this strange cord suddenly appears! I don’t know why I followed it. All I know is that I wanted to see you. All’s well that ends well, I guess.”

“What again? Cait—you’re speaking so fast with words that I do know, but you still aren’t making any sense.”

Caitlyn’s other hand tries to catch or swat the red between them. But she doesn’t touch or feels anything, it just passes through. Like the sunlight beaming on the ground that no hands could ever catch.

And of course, it doesn’t mean that Caitlyn sees it, Vi sees this—this hallucination too. 

“Ah. Doesn't matter,” Caitlyn shakes her head, “you know what? Nevermind.”

“What do you mean?”

Caitlyn convinces herself everything will be okay, it has to, as everything has never been anything but. After taking a deep breath, Caitlyn replies, “No matter what, I know I'll always find my way to you.”

 

 

Caitlyn may become the Sheriff of Piltover. 

Sooner or later, if she accepts the role and its responsibilities to the people. Bad news is that she doesn’t know where to start or what to do; good news is the possibility of her taking part in the bigger, more important picture now—the reality.

Right before a natural catastrophe happens, birds take off and fly as a flock. Humans, in turn with their manmade disasters, run towards the worst destruction. From demons to detonations, dismissing it as the ground giving way. 

That is why everyone around here champions the city’s feebleness, how they all feign ignorance. Unselfish, wise, and educated; to be strong enough to ask for progress but cowardly enough to accept changes to undergo a progression.

This is the place where Caitlyn lives her whole life. 

Where in pursuit of something greater, another always begs for a change. 

And when a pillar collapses, someone has to step in to fill that void. 

What better than a devoted peacekeeper whose soul pours everything in what she does.

 

 

Everything starts as a flicker of doubt turning into an insurmountable mountain of worries. 

There will always be brilliant colors anywhere Caitlyn goes, only for them to flicker. These bulbs cannot stay brightly lit. The plight of a noble daughter dreaming of another path weighs nothing with the tribulation of a ghost with no way home. 

That’s what Caitlyn thinks when she first hears of Vi’s heavy conscience. The guilt she carries, the regret she buries. An ancient fruit that beats all contusions and scars that have no way of being ripe and fresh again. 

An imprint in places, echoes in corners, and shadows in alleys. Attached by red emotions, afraid of everything, Caitlyn has no way of escaping Vi anymore.

A knock on the door causes Caitlyn to sit with her back up straighter. 

“Cupcake? It’s me.”

Caitlyn stands at lightning speed. She opens the door, her vision filled with a bouquet of blue roses.

“Congratulations, Cupcake. Here’s my obligatory gift for the sweetest Sheriff around here. And so that you could replace those wilted ones.”

Caitlyn’s eyes widen. “Vi! You didn’t need to. I know it’s hard to be around me, most especially at times like this, but…”

Vi grunts. “Don’t worry, it’s never hard to be around you.” She then moves closer to the table where Caitlyn’s vase with the dead flowers is. Placing the beautiful bouquet she’s carrying on the top of the table.

“Can you—Will you stay here with me then? To find whoever and whatever you’re finding, I will help you.”

Vi seems to stop whatever she’s doing to turn around and glance at Caitlyn. “There’s no reason for you to do that. If you feel like it’s your obligation to, just… forget it.”

Caitlyn takes a sharp intake of breath. Those familiar set of words has always stayed in her heart, it’s no wonder she has to clutch her chest as she feels like she’s been punched.

“But I’ll still see you, right?”

“You know I’ll be here, whenever you want me to.” Vi saunters closer to Caitlyn’s bed. She moves comfortably like she’s been here before, and that, she has. She sits at the edge of the bed before smiling at Caitlyn.

“Can I tell you something, Vi?” Caitlyn asks her.

“This only works if we trust each other, am I right?” Vi echoes Caitlyn’s words in the past. “Sure, come sit beside me, your bed’s like our safe space now anyway.”

Caitlyn looks away, embarrassed. But she sits beside Vi. 

“When you think about it, Vi, I think I should’ve been happier with everything. I may have had issues, but now they just seem to pale in comparison to yours.” 

“Don’t say that,” Vi responds quickly and firmly. “No one gets to decide how heavy your problem is but yourself. You’re the only one that carries its weight.”

“No, I mean, I’m sorry, I was just thinking out loud.”

“You know, Cupcake. Even the flowers that bloom, if they’re ignored, can easily wilt. So if you can, please stop making yourself feel small. You’re so far from it. You’re—you’re beautiful,” Vi pauses, closing her eyes. “If you’ve suffered, ‘cause you simply ate a bad fruit or tripped on the pavement or you felt like you can trust no one, it matters.”

“Wow. I don’t—You must’ve had that one ready. Thank you, um, Sunshine.”

Vi laughs softly. “Trying out new nicknames, aren’t we?”

“I’m just trying to catch up to you.”

“You don’t have to, Cupcake. This… This is already enough. To me, at least.”

Does it matter too when Caitlyn’s heart feels like it’s going to burst and isn’t calm in the slightest? 

 

 

In life, there are moments when you’re in a crowded room, adrenaline so high, your eyes begin searching for that one person you want to see the most. 

The first one you want to smile at with your small victories and cry about with your large defeats. 

Without one, everything just feels blue. 

Good thing when Caitlyn’s younger, she had her parents holding that crown. But a noble's life has been stifling, she could’ve been anything but another version of them.

Now, for Caitlyn's line of sight, it’s Vi. 

Maybe it’s because of that one night when Vi instinctively opened her arms for Caitlyn when she whispered to Vi that she felt like crying. Not a single question, not a second of hesitation. 

Or it might be that morning when Caitlyn got to solve an investigation without anyone’s help. Sun blazing, her heart afire. Caitlyn runs to Vi as Vi easily braces herself. Caitlyn not thinking twice in jumping into her arms ‘cause she knew Vi’s going to catch her.

Or that time when Caitlyn lies and shouts at Vi, “I’m fine! I’m okay! Stop asking me!” Vi, however, dips her head closer and as their foreheads are touching, she says, “You don’t know this, but your mouth might say one thing but your eyes say everything, Cupcake.”

Or that afternoon when Caitlyn goes to a shooting position, calm and concentrated as her cheek is resting on the butt of the rifle. Vi hums, “Hm,” then she grins with a sly look. “You should be proud of yourself, Cupcake. You’re hot whatever you do. And oh, before I forget, you’re an alright shot too.” To which Caitlyn always responds with, “Shut up. I’m an excellent shot.”

At this exact period of time, Vi isn’t anywhere near Caitlyn, she’s wildly aware of that. But Caitlyn’s invited her, asked her, she always does. To every single time, Caitlyn wants to see Vi—so to everything. She asks for her to attend to dinners, to some lonely nights, to the days that Piltover wants to commemorate, and to the dreariness of pain being alone can bring.

Or to when Caitlyn begins seeing a red string tying Vi to herself. And she can’t help but have the desire that one day, Vi sees whatever this is, too. She wonders how would Vi react: would be she shocked? Happy? Confused? Or like Caitlyn, will she feel that same relief?

 

 

“Hey, Cupcake, does the red thread not bother you when you work? You usually use a thread with this kind of color when you’re plotting a map for an investigation, right?”

Caitlyn forgets to put in her choices that Vi will always be… Vi. Like how she’s here, in front of Caitlyn and everything that she is, but it still feels like she isn’t. So unclear, foggy, and toughly veiled with the black barriers Vi always put up.

For some reason, it’s enough for Caitlyn, to know that both of them can see the strange and unreal redness connecting them. 

Caitlyn decides to free them both. Out of the obligation. For herself, for her own sanity and peace of mind. For Vi, to never feel bound and constrained to this place. To Caitlyn. 

She knows that beauty would leave anyone in ruins, but she has no choice but to let it console her.

 

 

(“Cupcake, why’d you lie about the red string? You told me you’ve seen it way before I did, right?”

“Why’re you asking now?”

“Just curious. It must’ve been lonely to learn that I didn’t see it. That’s what I felt when I thought you didn’t—”

“I love you, that’s why.”

“Wh—What? What does that have to do with—”

“...I didn’t want you to think you had to stay with me or be around me only ‘cause of that—Don’t you dare laugh, Violet! It felt like that at the time!”

“You know I’d do everything just to be with you.”)

 

 

No one gets to decide if you’ve fallen in love but yourself.
You’re the only one who buries its longing.

 

 

Notes:

title's from this phenomenal song

that season was such a wild ride!!!<3 and the songs r awesome.

i'd also like to hear your thoughts about the fic! it's my first time writing a soulmates w/ red string of fate fic. so it would absolutely mean the world to me if you did