Chapter Text
Sherlock had a great deal of expertise in many, many, many things. Wire ductility, the strength of various textiles, standard gunshot wound patterns based on angle fired, gun model and relative distance, correlative patterns between homosexuality and different underclothing, the decomposition of most common chemical compounds, the precise geography and street layout of greater London, and to a lesser extent the entire British Isles. A most impressive database. Or as he liked to call it, and was frequently treated by John with eye rolls for doing so, his ‘Mind Palace’.
Yet there were always those subjects that he knew nothing about. A situation of his own choosing, he liked to think. There were some topics that were simply so unlikely to be relevant to a criminal case that knowing everything about it seemed not to be worth it. The solar system for example (though he had been proven wrong about that one). Current entertainment culture, yet now Sherlock could name two different James Bonds (John had been working to remedy that one). And lastly, love. Beyond its behavioral manifestations, and status as possible motivations for criminal activity, Sherlock knew next to nothing about it. In a familial sense he was fairly confident he loved his parents, though he wasn’t very attached. He was moderately confident he loved Mycroft, though he was completely confident that he would never tell him so. He felt some sort of platonically affectionate regard for Molly. But in the romantic sense he wasn’t sure he had ever felt anything at all. Until of course, when it came to John.
John. John Watson. Not the most luminous but the conductor. John the blogger. John the soldier. John the soldier. John. His flatmate John. His friend. He had no expertise on the topic of romantic attraction. Though he felt his recent behavior was indicative of the phenomenon, and was singularly frustrated that he could not proceed to his usual logical follow-up to not being the expert, as rarely as that did occur. In this realm John was clearly the expert. ‘Three Continents Watson’, or so Sherlock had heard. Dated easily. All the time. One didn’t have to be an expert however, to know that asking the object of one’s affections directly was not a correct next step. So where to turn?
Lestrade? Molly? They were not wholly incompetent in this area. But would they understand? Mycroft? Only a last resort. So that’s how the ridiculous scenario came to be, Sherlock Holmes, an adult man, found himself googling ‘How To Get Over a Crush’, realizing fully that the query belonged better in the mind of an adolescent female, and realizing also that he was desperate enough to come to this anyway…
1.Internet Tip #1: Distance Yourself
“Sherlock, why are you walking so far away?” John asked, raising an eyebrow.
“No reason, John, no reason at all,” Sherlock said quickly.
“Okay…” John shrugged, he was too used to Sherlock’s odd behavior to consider small things like these strange, after all, the man had once come home drenched in blood and clutching a harpoon.
***
“John do you have to be sitting here right now?” Sherlock asked.
“Yeah, I’m watching television, I sort of have to,” John looked at him quizzically.
“I wanted to sit here,” Sherlock said.
“We could both sit here,”
“I’ll be in my room,”
“Suit yourself,”
(Sherlock’s notes)
Evaluation of Tip #1: Distancing is non-practical. As object of affections inhabits same living area. Walking separately in the street makes coordination difficult. Also, method does not reduce attraction, I am thinking about it even more. Conclusion: failed.
2.Internet Tip #2: Admit Your Feelings
I am in love with my flatmate John, Sherlock thought to himself. John Watson. He wears jumpers, accompanies me on cases and compliments my deductive genius. He is extremely amusing. He is not a bore. John is wonderful.
“Sherlock, I’ve said it three times now, pay attention,” John said.
“Shut up, John, I’m thinking,” Sherlock said.
John sighed, “What I put up with,”
John is wonderful. Terrific. Brilliant. All the things he calls me.
“What was it you were saying?” Sherlock asked.
“I found the red hand glove you were looking for, there was a secret pocket in the women’s purse,” John brought it out.
Sherlock grasped it, “You are wonderful,”
“Sorry?”
“Um, nothing, that was quite competent of you, thank you, though I’d have eventually gotten it myself,”
***
I love John. My John. No. Not mine. He belongs to a random red-haired woman he met at the pub, Sherlock thought bitterly. What was her name?
“Sherlock are you alright? You seem like you’re zoning out a bit,” John asked.
“Alice,” Sherlock said.
“What?”
“Her name is Alice, I knew I had it stored somewhere,”
“Allison, but it’s nice to know you’re keeping track now,” John laughed.
“You sure you wouldn’t want to hear my deductions about her?”
“I’m sure,”
I love him, Sherlock thought. I really do.
Evaluation of Tip #2: Study is producing dismally. Admittance of feeling does not alleviate pain but inflames it. I am now more consciously aware of him than ever before. Clearly the authors of these so-called ‘tips’ were not scientific in their methodology. All things considered. I am not surprised. Conclusion: failed.
3.Internet Tip #3: Tell a friend or family member
“Molly can I talk to you about something?” Sherlock said as they analyzed samples in the lab, “It is a matter of some personal significance that I would appreciate if you did not disclose,”
“Of course Sherlock,” she said kindly, “What is it?”
“I—I think, what I think is that I’m in love with John,” Sherlock admitted.
“Oh my god!” she cried, “You are? You really are?”
“That is what I meant by the statement,” Sherlock rolled his eyes, perhaps this wasn’t a good idea.
“And does he? Well…” Molly gestured.
“John does not reciprocate as far as I’m aware,”
“Oh,”
“Yes, that is a portion of the problem at hand,”
“Have you told him?” she asked.
“I do not want to risk—“
“Your friendship,” she finished, “I understand,”
“How would you suggest I proceed?” he asked.
“You’re asking me? You’re actually asking me?” she laughed.
“You have far more background in this area than I, you are worthy of some trust, why not?”
“Well, I think you should tell him, or at least find some way to see if he’s interested,”
“Why would I do that?” Sherlock asked.
“It might make you happy,”
***
Something to discuss. –SH
I am already aware of your feelings for Dr. Watson, brother mine. –MH
That obvious? –SH
To me, yes. –MH
What would be the logical course? –SH
There is none. Such affections are not logical in nature. –MH
You are of no use. –SH
What did you seriously expect? I do not have time for such trivial concerns. –MH
Evaluation of Tip #3: Telling people somewhat alleviated some feeling if only because the sentiment was spoken aloud. Mycroft was not of any aid. Molly only slightly better. Should I simply tell him? A point to mull over. Conclusion: inconclusive.
4.Internet Tip #4: Date Someone Else
“Friend of yours, Sherlock?” John asked as Sherlock walked in with a stocky blonde man.
“Not really,” Sherlock confessed, “Nathan and I are going to go to my bedroom and kiss for a bit, would that bother you?”
“A bit too much information there, but no, go right ahead,” John nodded, “Nathan, nice to meet you,”
“You’re the flatmate aren’t you?” the man asked.
“Yes, and you’re the boyfriend? I presume,” John said.
“Yes he is,” Sherlock answered, “Thank you, bye,”
Evaluation of Tip #4: Utterly useless. Only person at the pub remotely attractive resembled John extremely strongly. Was a bore. Intended to kiss him once in bedroom. But could not. Conclusion: failed.
5. Internet Tip #5: Make a List of Bad Things about Your Crush
(Sherlock’s notebook)
Bad Things about John:
--Makes me eat
--Makes me sleep
--Is slower than me at times
--??
--???
Evaluation of Tip #5: There are not enough bad things about John. Conclusion: failed.
6. Internet Tip #6: Confession
“John, I like you,” Sherlock said suddenly over breakfast.
“I like you too, where is this coming from?” John asked.
“It’s not coming from anywhere, I am simply expressing my viewpoint,”
“Right, well you better like me, or us spending all this time together is pretty stupid isn’t it?” John laughed.
“I agree,”
***
John:
Over the past couple months my regard for you has developed into what I feel might qualify as romantic attraction. As you are my only friend I did not think it advisable to alert you of this. And with due duration of time, I only hope the feeling will pass. If there is any hope that you reciprocate this feeling I would be amenable to a relationship, though that may surprise you. Yet do not feel obliged, as my friend, to do this if you don’t love me as I confess I do love you. Fervently. And more passionately than you could have ever believed me able.
--Sherlock
He considered giving it to him, but instead folded up the note and put it away. He wasn’t afraid of anything. He was an expert on everything. Everything and anything it seemed, but this.
Evaluation of Tip #6: Confession did not acquire desired result. Did not give letter. Conclusion: failed.
7. Internet Tip #7: Admit to Yourself That Its Never Going to Happen
“It’s not going to happen, he doesn’t love you,” Sherlock said to the empty room.
“Don’t count on it,” John entered, the note in his hand, “Found this, and your case notebook, it was open to a page, apparently you’ve been doing a study, hope you don’t mind that I read it, I wanted to know what had been going on with you these past few days,”
“You’ve read it?” Sherlock’s heart rate spiked.
“Why didn’t you just tell me?” John laughed.
“I did, I told you I liked you,” Sherlock said quietly.
“That’s not a confession, Sherlock,”
“Well you’re the expert,” Sherlock said bitterly, “What do I know?”
“You really believed that?”
“What?”
“That it’s not going to happen? That I don’t love you?”
Sherlock flashed back in his mind. John shooting the cabbie. John at his side. John at the crime scene. John Watson.
“It would have been a capital mistake to assume that you did love me,”
John walked toward him, grabbed his face in his hand and kissed him gently on the lips. It was bliss, Sherlock thought. Pure bliss. For a second he thought he might be dreaming. He had never thought. John. His John. With him like this. He had only dreamt of it.
Before John could draw away Sherlock pulled him down and kissed him back. Finally. Oh god, finally.
Evaluation of study, final note: We are no longer Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson, but John and Sherlock. John has promised to cease to date his boring women. Yet I deduce that he has a date this evening. It is with me. I am not the expert in this domain. I have warned him. Yet he has promised to teach me everything that he knows. He is wonderful. No. We are wonderful together. Conclusion: succeeded.