Work Text:
In celebration of his son’s sixth birthday, Namikaze Minato, Yondaime Hokage of Konohagakure, was hosting a lavish party. He spared no expense for his lovely child. There was a large fox-shaped bouncy castle that took up the entirety of the backyard, a tower of gifts stacked on the dining room table, and an exquisite spread of cuisine that Minato spent a whole two hours whipping up in preparation for the party.
The typically fearsome Hokage was determined to make little Naruto’s birthday party the event of the century. Now, if only his guests and the subject of this jubilee would arrive.
The food was starting to get cold and no one likes to eat cold food.
««»»
Kakashi couldn’t quite wrap his head around why Minato-sensei had ordered him to retrieve Naruto and all the boy’s little friends from the Academy. He knew that his teacher knew that he hated children, particularly snot-nosed brats below the age of twelve.
Minato-sensei was certainly abusing his powers as Hokage in ordering Kakashi to do this.
««»»
Fugaku was horrified as he approached the brightly illuminated home of his Hokage. Faintly, he could see the orange glow of the giant fox bouncy house that he had previously blessedly never known to exist. Music of the most obnoxious variety played from a boombox nearby.
Fugaku glanced at his wife and teenage son and nephew, hoping that they’d just like to go home too and not deal with this. Unfortunately for him, his wife was already embracing Uzumaki Kushina, the hostess of the eyesore of an event.
They couldn’t leave now they were spotted.
Kushina ushered them inside the rather spacious house where already the children were playing some sort of convoluted party games that Fugaku had been privileged to have never seen before. Fugaku then noted the parents of the children— all the other leaders of the clans in the village, crammed into the living room around a large table laden with ceramic and porcelain dishes.
“You guys help yourselves ‘attebane!” Kushina grinned, pushing them forward. “Minato went all out on cookin’ tonight!”
Fugaku’s eyes laid on the food and suddenly he realized that he was starved. The food seemed to shine and glitter and call his name. The perfect aromatic scent of the food wafted up to his nostrils, causing his mouth to water.
Fugaku has seen many five-star meals in his life— he has expensive taste after all— and if Kushina hadn’t just said that Minato had made it, he would’ve believed it to have been catered by one of the fancy restaurants in the village.
Fugaku grabbed a plate and started to load it up with the delectable looking food. Already the two teens accompanying him had loaded up their plates nearly a foot high with delicacies such as lobster tail, wagyu steak, fancy tuna, caviar, cubed watermelon, pizza, tomato soup, and the list goes on and on and on.
Then, Fugaku spotted the desserts and immediately knew that as soon as his eldest son finished eating ‘real’ food, that the desserts would be decimated single-handedly.
Fugaku was going to have to take that massive gold dusted chocolate cupcake before his son did. He’d rather not have to have a duel in his friend’s house on such an auspicious day. Still...if it’d come down to it, he’d fight his eldest for control of the sweets.
Minato greeted them jovially, telling the kids to play in the bouncy castle after they finished eating, which the little gremlins did with amazing speed. Fugaku was a little terrified to see his youngest son take the tomato soup from the table and eat the entire thing by himself. Eating two slices of the pizza on top of that didn’t help ease Fugaku’s concern either.
“Ah! They’re such healthy eaters!” Minato exclaimed happily; an expression akin to that of a doting mother donning his face.
Fugaku found the juxtaposition between Minato’s usual I-can-kill-you-whenever-I-want face to his mother-hen smile mildly disconcerting. To Fugaku’s knowledge only his wife could pull off such an expression so easily.
Fugaku watched mildly alarmed as Minato took a napkin and wiped off Choji’s face. “Oh, you kids are such messy eaters.” Then Minato turned to his son and gave him the spit bath treatment while his son cried in embarrassment and tried to duck away.
There was no escaping the Mother Hen Yellow Flash of the Leaf, however. Plus, none of the adults were willing to assist the poor boy. It was kind of cute in a shock inducing sort of way.
“Hey! Anata!” Kushina roared. “We’re almost outta food, ‘attbane!”
“I’m on it honey!” Minato gleamed, dusting his hands off on his apron as he headed towards the kitchen. Curiously Fugaku followed, if only to see what was prepared inside.
What he saw still haunts him to this day.
No one should be able to do that.
No one.
««»»
Inuzuka Tsume watched with wide eyes as Namikaze Minato, the typically terrifying Hokage, dumped unpeeled onions, unprepared steaks, potatoes, and celery into a cooking vessel. He pinched some various spices to top off the ingredients that somehow fit in a rather tiny dutch oven. There was no way so much food should fit in such a small container….
But what glued her to her place in terror at the edge of the kitchen was the jolly smile on Minato’s face as he put the lid over his abomination and lit the flame beneath his pot. He picked up a bird-shaped timer and twisted it to five, whistling as he did so.
The timer went off after five excruciating minutes and he turned off the flame and lifted the lid from his pot. He picked up a metal spoon from the utensil holder beside the stove and stirred his hellish concoction, smiling in a pleased way all the while.
Then he picked up a ladle and began depositing, what smelled admittedly delicious, into dishes.
Tsume couldn’t believe that she had eaten Minato’s cooking...surely this was a prank though?
She couldn’t believe that all that disaster Minato had tossed into the pot would come out as a perfectly prepared stew.
“Whoa….” A cracking voice said beside Tsume and a teenager pushed past her and over to the stove. “Hokage-sama, can I have some of this stew?”
“Of course, Shisui-chan.” Minato smiled, patting Shisui’s head as he handed the teen a bowl with a spoon. “Eat up.”
Tsume was paralyzed as she watched the unknowing teen dig into the stew, exclaiming how it was the best thing he had ever tasted.
Surely, Minato was just playing a cruel joke on her?
Tsume finally managed to pull her eyes away from the sight and discovered the other leaders surrounding her at the edge of the kitchen. Each and every one of them looked on in equal terror. Uchiha Fugaku was using his Sharingan, his jaw agape and his eyes watering.
The Uchiha leader clutched his stomach and gagged, turning and running out of the room.
Yep, this was not a prank. Why else would the intrepid Fugaku be running away to barf?
Kushina pressed a cocktail glass into Tsume’s hand as she grinned. “Cool, huh?”
Tsume downed the drink in a single swallow, vaguely recognizing the tang of alcohol as she wished to unsee what she had seen.
««»»
“What is up with that ?” Choza questioned in flabbergasted shock as he looked between Kushina and her husband. “That is heresy. That is no way to prepare food.”
“Oh, it’s simply how Minato cooks. Ya know he’s a busy person, ‘attbane. I can’t cook, so it’s a lifesaver that he can cook so well so fast! It’s the best, ya know?”
Choza did not, in fact, know nor accept her answer as reality. This was not how food is prepared. His whole clan specializes in the making and preparation of food. It’s their very way of life. They can garden just as easily as they can crush boulders. It’s just what the mighty Akimichi do.
“The hell?” Inoichi swore very rarely, but he was so frightened that he did so now. “This either has to be some sort of kekkei genkai or some sort of seal effery.”
“Why are ya so upset, ‘attbane?” Kushina drawled, her eyebrow beginning to twitch very faintly...or was that Choza’s imagination? “It’s just how my husband cooks. Ya gotta problem, ya can go.”
“That’s a very strange way of making food,” Hizashi remarked loudly to Minato, chowing down on the soup beside the two teens by the stove. “But it’s very delicious.”
Hiashi stood beside Choza watching his twin brother with disapproval and the obvious concern that his twin could be getting food poisoned. “That doesn’t look particularly safe .”
Kushina’s brow definitely twitched… was her hair starting to undulate now?
“Perhaps you’d like a cup of tea to calm your nerves, Hiashi-san?” Kushina suggested with a pressed sort of smile that didn’t suit her except to make her ever more frightening.
Hiashi, however, didn’t seem to notice the Uzumaki’s growing anger or her false smile and accepted her offer, muttering something about hoping this was just one big nightmare. Hiashi took his seat and settled on the couch, murmuring something about tea in dreams having no right to taste so divine and that he really wished that he was awake so he could get the blend used.
Choza, however, knew that the Hyuuga was in denial...heavy and deep denial.
Choza wished that he could be in denial too. All the same, Choza accepted some tea from Kushina, agreeing that it was the best tea he had ever tasted, but now he was starting to doubt that it was just the tea blend at work here, especially after she said it was just plain old green tea.
Either this woman was a tea master or she was a terrifying drink maker in the same way her husband was a monster in cooking.
««»»
Naruto didn’t really understand why the adults looked a little green, especially Sasuke’s dad, but he happily led his friends to the kitchen where his father had just called them in so that they could have some of his delicious homemade stew.
It wasn’t as good as his dad’s ramen, or even Naruto’s ramen, but stew was pretty good too sometimes.
Sakura clapped and exclaimed in awe as Minato pulled a three-tier cake from the pot on the stove, sitting it on the counter with an adoring smile. “Minato-san, can I have more cake please?” Sakura pleaded, rocking back and forth on the balls of her feet while Naruto took some stew before Sasuke’s stupid brother and cousin could eat it all.
“Kaka-nii, have you eaten yet?” Naruto questioned, turning to look at his brother hiding in the corner of the room, nose buried in a book.
“Aa, I have.” Kakashi answered in monotone.
Naruto didn’t believe his lying too-skinny brother and brought the bowl he had grabbed to his brother. “Eat!”
Kakashi looked over his pirate manga at Naruto, his single eye looking at him dubiously. “Are you my mom now?”
“Eat your food or I’ll make mom make you.” Naruto threatened, glancing over at Minato over at the stove. Kakashi followed Naruto’s gaze.
“Fine,” Kakashi acquiesced at last. “But only if you make me fried eggplant with rice.”
Naruto nodded, pleased that Kakashi was finally recognizing his prowess in the kitchen. “Of course, Kaka-nii!”
Naruto hurried over to the stove, pulling over his step stool and placing his small saucepan on the stove. He dropped an eggplant Minato stored in the fridge special for when Kakashi came over into the pot, followed by some rice, water, and some salt and pepper. Then he turned on the pot, put on the lid, and grabbed his little froggy timer setting the wait time.
Minato hovered nearby as he usually did when Naruto was cooking, but Naruto knew that there was nothing to worry about cooking-wise. The hard part came after the food was done and he risked getting burned by the heat of the pot and the food inside.
The timer dinged and Naruto lifted the lid, staring back at him was a masterpiece of fried eggplant with rice on the side. With Minato’s help, he transferred the meal onto a plate and brought it to his picky brother. The stew was still untouched, but as Naruto sat the plate down before his brother, he saw Kakashi’s eye widen as his book slipped from his hands to the floor. “How?”
“I made it ‘attebayo!” Naruto beamed.
“That doesn’t answer my question!”
“Eat! You’re too skinny!” Naruto tsked, ignoring Kakashi’s whining. He definitely didn’t eat enough to be healthy in Naruto’s (and his parents’) opinions.
Kakashi made no move to touch his food, so Naruto took initiative, shoving chopsticks into Kakashi’s hands. “Don’t make me get Mom.” Naruto warned.
Kakashi nodded mutely, correcting the placement of the chopsticks in his hands. Then, very slowly, he picked up a piece of eggplant and moved it towards his face. Naruto watched with bated breath, sure that he was going to be the first to see his brother’s face unmasked.
Suddenly, the eggplant was gone and Kakashi was chewing.
His brother’s eye creased into a smile. “This is actually good Naruto.”
“I would hope so!” Naruto huffed angrily. “You dare doubt the cooking prowess of Namikaze-Uzumaki Naruto?”
Kakashi shook his head slowly and Naruto stooped down to pick up the forgotten manga. By the time he had straightened the plate was emptied and Kakashi’s mask was bulging.
Did he just stuff all his food in at once?
“Chew your food properly. Don’t inhale it. Mom says that’s bad and you’ll be hungry again super fast.” Naruto chastised his brother.
With one large gagging sort of swallow, Kakashi swallowed his dinner and took the manga from Naruto’s hand. “Maa, I’ll keep that in mind.”
“You better! You might choke the next time you do that, ‘attebayo!”
««»»
Shisui stuffed his face with dish after deliciously divine and sublime dish of food. He never knew food could taste so good. It was like he was in food heaven.
He always thought his Aunt Mikoto cooked really well, but, well, the Hokage put her to shame. The best part was that Minato could cook literally anything Shisui wanted in just five minutes, smiling and chatting the whole while. Sure, it was a little weird to just toss in whole ingredients with no prepwork, but Shisui wasn’t exactly good at cooking or understood how the process worked, so he just rolled with it. Sure, his uncle probably just lost his stomach after seeing this, but Shisui was sure it was the work of some awesome cooking superpower from the God of Cooking.
That was the only, and he meant absolutely the only , way that this food could taste so good.
So Shisui stuffed himself beyond being full, to where his stomach hurt so badly he couldn’t move. “Hey, can I bring home leftovers?” Shisui asked Minato, hope gleaming in his eyes.
He’d definitely freeze some of this stuff and savor it over the course of months. That’s how good it is.
“Of course sweetie!” Minato’s smile was so gentle and motherly that it made Shisui wonder if this was what it was like having a mom.
Minato bustled around, digging out tupperware containers and plastic bags, filling them with soups and bao buns and some of that awesome pork belly that Minato braised in some sort of delicious sauce. By the time Minato was done, Shisui had two heaping grocery sacks full of prepared food.
Tears sprang to his eyes and he tackled the Hokage— no, the Mom and favorite of the God of Cooking, in a hug. “You’re the best Mom!”
Minato chuckled, returning his hug. “Thanks Shi-chan.”
Shisui decided then and there that no matter what, the Hokage was his mom now, even if well, Minato should’ve technically been a dad. It wasn’t exactly his fault that Minato gave off mom vibes in tidal waves.
Kushina approached him, handing him a thermos. “Here’s some green tea to keep you warm outside. It’s getting a bit nippy.”
“Can you both be my mom?” Shisui questioned a bit desperately.
“Sure!” Kushina patted him on the shoulder while Minato ruffled his hair. “Come by whenever, ‘attebane!”
“Dinner’s at six every night.” Minato added.
Shisui cried happy tears, again getting wrapped in a hug before deciding it was probably time for him to go home, find a place for his leftovers, and fall into his food induced coma.
He didn’t care that his uncle looked at him horrified and utterly concerned as Shisui shunshined out of the house with his delectable bags of goodness.
««»»
Shikaku didn’t really think that Minato’s cooking skills were that horrifying, unlike what his peers seemed to believe. He thought it was a great lazy life-skill to get amazing food fast without any of the work necessary to actually cook anything.
Call him lazy, sure, but it is an extraordinary ability no matter what happens to be behind the magnificent cooking abilities. Surely, Minato had some secret fuinjutsu on how to cook that Minato could share with him?
Shikaku wouldn’t mind making his life easier. His wife was always complaining about cooking and he hated doing all the dishes. Minato’s method only required a single cooking pot and whatever dishes you wished to use. Clearly it was a win-win scenario if he managed to persuade Minato to share his secret to cooking.
“Minato-san, that was a rather amazing spectacle. Is that how you normally cook?”
“Oh, thank you for the compliment. I do typically cook this way since I don’t have much time. I don’t understand why most of the other parents seem appalled by my wonderful cooking for some reason.” Minato stole a glance towards his rather green looking peers. Fugaku kept stealing glances at the children in abject horror. Minato’s disapproving gaze made it clear that he thought it was rude of them.
“They are just jealous of your skill.” Shikaku assured the fretting Hokage. “I find your cooking to be quite fascinating. Could you, by chance, inform me what type of dutch oven you use?”
“My dutch oven?” Minato’s eyes widened with delighted surprise. “Well of course! I use a stainless steel one good for use on the stove or in the oven. I had it specially made by a cookware craftsman years ago when my old one couldn’t be patched up anymore.”
Shikaku wondered briefly why Minato would’ve even bothered to have a cooking pot patched up when they were pretty much a dime a dozen. But considering the quality of Minato’s food, the pot was important.
“Could you perhaps tell me what craftsman you got it from? My wife has been asking for a new dutch oven recently, but I don’t know much about it. Yours appears to be the best cooking vessel I’ve ever seen and I’ve seen all the sorts of cookware in the Akimichi household.” Shikaku went in a roundabout way so as to allay any suspicions Minato might have.
Minato’s eyes brightened as a soft smile touched his face. “That’s very thoughtful of you Shikaku.” Vaguely, Shikaku got the notion that Minato was treating him like a child. “I bought this from Tanaka Kenta. His shop is near Akagawa Weapons on Main Street.”
“Thank you,” Shikaku smiled. “I must admit that I’m curious; is the pot alone behind your cooking prowess? Or do you have seals to assist you?”
Minato’s eyes gained a gleam that Shikaku recognized.
“Don’t get me wrong Minato, it’s just I’ve never tasted anything so good in my life, so it’s a bit difficult for me to wrap my head around how so much cooking skills could be contained in one person.”
Minato’s eyes didn’t soften and his smile took on a biting sort of nature. “It’s talent and a good dutch oven. That’s it.”
Shikaku was then very clearly dismissed as Minato left him in order to do dishes. He was never going to get the answer to lazy cooking.
At least he knew where to go to get his wife and Choza their birthday gifts.
««»»
Fugaku literally couldn’t wait to leave the Hokage’s son’s birthday party. It would have been rude if he just left now, but as he peered towards the table that was once weighed down with food and then towards the kitchen, he felt his insides start to heave, trying to find more than bile to expel.
Normally, he was a stronger-stomached man, but everything about this meal screamed wrong now that he saw how Minato could actually cook.
What was worse was that Fugaku now remembered how he had never once questioned how Minato could cook during their youth. Fugaku, like an idiot, had always accepted the food happily, thinking that it tasted better than anyone in his family could ever manage.
Perhaps Minato was the one that gave Fugaku expensive tastes in food?
Fugaku shook his head, a rare show of his distraughtness, and worked to shove the thought (and food in general) out of his mind. He was enjoying some semblance of success when Itachi walked back into sight carrying another dish of food, Tsume’s daughter, Hana, walking beside him. The two teens, just like the thankfully gone Shisui, did not question the food since it was food.
Fugaku doubted that they actually saw how the food had been prepared.
Hana shoveled in fried rice while speaking something indecipherable.
Fugaku gagged.
Itachi responded back in perfect speech to whatever Hana had just said and, judging by the rough and tumble teen’s reaction, it seemed to actually fit with whatever Hana had just mumbled.
Fugaku got up from the couch holding a hand over his mouth, taking a few staggering steps to revisit the bathroom again.
“Dad!” The force of the impact from Sasuke alone sent the unbalanced Fugaku careening into the floor.
Still, his immediate need to vomit subsided as he looked at his beautiful youngest. “What?”
Sasuke gave him a begging sort of look, wheedling further onto Fugaku’s lap. “Naruto’s dad says that the party is over now.”
“And I wanna sleepover ‘attebayo!” Naruto appeared, looming like a vulture over Sasuke’s shoulder.
“Did you ask your parents?” Fugaku asked wearily, counting down the moments he could escape.
“I don’t need to.” Naruto stated bluntly. “Mom and Dad will let Sasuke stay no problem.”
“All the same, why don’t you ask them first?” Mikoto, ever Fugaku’s guardian angel, suggested to Naruto, carefully guiding him off towards the kitchen.
A moment later there was a shout that was more sorrowful than it was excited and Naruto reappeared with a drooping sulking head. Kushina trailed behind her son, a rather smug look on her face. “Sasuke, Mom says ya can’t stay over tonight.” Naruto informed despondently. “Or tomorrow night, or the night after tomorrow, or anytime next week.”
Sasuke’s pleading eyes turned upwards to Kushina who seemed immune to Sasuke’s cuteness. “I admit, ya know how to use your looks kid, but you’re not gonna be cute forever.” Kushina stated.
Sasuke immediately looked in the direction of Itachi, perhaps hoping that his brother would assure him of his forever cuteness so that he could dominate the world without lifting a finger.
Alas, no such reassurances came from that front and Sasuke quickly sank into a funk that would be easier for Fugaku to drag him home in.
Fugaku got to his feet, hauling the brooding boy up with him. Already most of his peers had evacuated the building with their children. Inoichi, the gossip man, was lagging at the door, fussing with the jackets of Ino and Ino’s little pink haired friend while Minato gossiped with the gossip. Even before the two men occupied two of the highest positions in Konoha, they had a way of discovering any secret so fast that one would wonder if it had ever actually been a secret in the first place.
Fugaku suddenly feared reading the newspaper the next day. Surely there would be something about him plastered across the front page of the tabloids.
For the first time all night, Fugaku saw his eldest son without food in his hands and a rather pleasant smile resting on his face. Fugaku wondered if he and his wife ever fed Itachi enough considering just how much food, nevermind the desserts, that the teen had eaten.
“It was good, ne?” Kushina questioned Itachi with a grin.
“Thank you for inviting us.” Itachi did a small bow. “The food and drinks were delicious.”
“I’m glad you thought so ‘attebane!” Kushina whipped out a bag out of nowhere. “Want some leftovers?”
Before Fugaku could protest such a thing being in his house, his son had already accepted the bag with glittering eyes that Fugaku was sure meant loyalty only to the Hokage and his wife. Fugaku was rather sure that Itachi would adopt them as his parents, just like Shisui, if he didn’t, already, in fact, have parents.
“Thank you Kushina-san.”
“It’s no problem, you kids need to eat! Honestly you look underweight! Don’t you eat enough?”
“I eat a lot.”
“Well eat more!” Kushina huffed before darting a threatening look at Fugaku. Clearly the hotheaded woman had decided that he doesn’t feed his children enough even though he has absolutely no control over how much his eldest son eats when he’s gone.
“Share with me!” Sasuke grabbed his brother by the waist, looking up at his new target with those ever-present imploring eyes.
Itachi mumbled something that Fugaku couldn’t hear while Kushina laughed and herded them towards the door. Inoichi was gone now and the Uchiha family were the last of the guests to be corralled out.
Fugaku thanked his lucky stars as soon as he was past the door frame and out into the cool night air. He was able to utter some pleasantries to the Hokage and Kushina and even to little Naruto.
Sasuke and Naruto exchanged shouts of farewell long after the Hokage’s home was out of sight.
Fugaku swore that he’d find some way to avoid any social gatherings put on by the Hokage. He’d get a mission or call in sick or something.
He wasn’t sure his stomach would be able to handle another party where food is catered by the Hokage himself.
It was weak of him to think of and felt more like an excuse, but as he glanced at the bag carried by Itachi and felt his stomach clench and a gag wedge his way into his throat, he thought that it would be worth it in the end.