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Your name is Karkat Noir, and you are currently sitting in your living room watching some stupid anime with your brother, Rufioh. You don’t understand why he likes this shit so much. Huge skulled, skinny necked, grossly large eyed. An ugly fucking art style. Your sister Meulin draws in the same way but even more shitty.
You’re still slightly groggy from your nap. These fucks should be glad you got your nap in today, otherwise you’d be all pissy. You don't understand how some people only sleep once a day and are okay with that. Sometimes you take two naps in one day. Those are your best days. Come home from school, nap till dinner, eat, nap again, wake up at 9 pm, and go to bed again at 4 am.
Dinner has already been eaten. Most of your siblings are upstairs, you know for a fact a few of them are hanging out with Gamzee in the attic. You should be too, he’s your best friend after all.
But before you can get up the door jingles. Your curiosity sticks your to your seat, as the door opens you’re happy to see a familiar face. Dirk Strider. However your happiness manifests in a jump of the heart. Against your control your chest is submitted to a feeling of lifting. It tickles in the worst way possible. Your feeble attempts to bite back this feeling are futile.
“Where’s Kankri?” His words ring in your ears for a moment. Of course he’s looking for Kankri, Dave isn’t here
“KANKRI’S NOT HERE RIGHT NOW. I DOUBT HE WILL BE FOR A WHILE. HE’S WITH CRONUS AND LATULA AT A MOVIE I THINK.” You watch his face droop from a slight smile to a regular straight face. “HE’LL BE HERE TONIGHT, JUST NOT NOW. WHERE'S DAVE?” You ask even though you know he’s probably with John or Jade or something. He can’t spend all of his time with you and that’s fine.
“He’s with John today.” Predictable. Dirk walks further into the house and closes the door behind himself. You choose not to answer in the way that makes sense. Instead offering something.
“WANNA PLAY TONY HAWK 2?” He probably does. No strider can resist Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2. Not even the more intelligent of the two.
“When wouldn’t I?” It makes you feel like you accomplished something when his slight frown upturns. He wants to be around you, you want to be around him much more than he knows. Instead of answering you just stand and look at him for a moment before turning to the stairwell and making your way upstairs. You hear him follow.
When the both of you get in your room you turn on the tv and N64 as well as take out your copy of TONY HAWK’S PRO SKATER 2, blow on it, then reinsert it. Dirk sits on the floor where you two usually do when playing video games. The circular rug that’s thick enough to sleep on. You love that rug. Though originally it was the cushioning for one of those chairs that is a bucket and impossible to sit in.
You watch as the tv and N64 do their magic together and begin to boot up. You sit down on the floor with him and a controller. “I’M GONNA BEAT YOUR ASS AT THIS GAME.” You promise him. That’s a fucking promise to him.
“Don’t act like I don’t know that you know the cheats that Lux had to show you.” He's got you there. Well fuck. Still, you kick so much ass in this game you might as well be Tony hawk himself. You’d kick Tony’s ass.
“REGARDLESS YOU DICKMUNCH.” You snarl at him, playfully of course.
Hours later, you two are now playing Tony Hawk Pro Skater 1. Dirk insisted he could beat your ass at the first game. He's right. You’re tired. He's still going. You’ve gone from sitting next to him a good foot away, to leaning on him fully. You don’t realize you're staring at his lips. His jawline. His eyes, occasionally. He took his glasses off a while ago, he’s comfortable with you. His mouth is slightly ajar due to pure concentration. You wonder how Kankri feels. How Kankri feels knowing Dirk Strider is in love with him. Not only in love, in love enough to wait while Kankri selfishly peruse his options. How Kankri feels when Dirks on top of him, how it feels to be under him. How Kankri feels when Dirk protects him. Has heart to hearts with him. Studies with him.
You wonder how Kankri feels when Dirk kisses him, or rather when Kankri kisses dirk. You don't want to wonder anymore.
“dirk.”
He turns his head towards yours. “What-“
You close the gap. Not only do you close the gap, you fucking eradicate that gap. The small noise of surprise Dirk makes is enough to send your heart in a loop. You don't see it but Dirks eyes widen and slowly close, his surprise subsides but sticks in his stomach, but again, you don’t actually know that.
You notice after a moment Dirk isn’t pulling away.
You take the sudden embrace from still touching to actually kissing. He still doesn’t pull away. He does the opposite of pull away.. he starts kissing you back. In tune with your movements. Your abdomen is on a lovely fire. A line down your chest nestling in your gut. Your hands, face, fuck it your whole body is so hot.
This is what you’ve wanted. You can’t really believe that this is happening. Exactly the way you had imagined it. Kissing him in the darkness only illuminated by the blue light of the television. Though you hadn’t thought about the Tony Hawk music being a part of this.
You want to kick yourself for allowing the hair raising feeling of emotion fall over your skin, goosebumps yet you're hot. The feeling pulsates on your back and throughout your whole body. This is the first and last time he’ll ever touch you like this.
Dirks hand finds its way to the top of the hand supporting you on the ground. As you further melt into the kiss your untouched hand places itself on Dirks thigh and at the same time you subconsciously deepen the kiss by letting your tongue swipe over his teeth and into his mouth.
He tastes of sea salt.
That must have been too much for him. He starts pushing you away and you don’t fight him. You let go of him and sit back, your breath shaky with current surprise and upcoming guilt and fear. Instead of the passion you once felt in your core it hardens into pain.
You miss his touch already just as soon as you had it. For the moment, you two are locked in eye contact. He has this look of.. shock on his face. Negative shock. His eyes are so beautiful but his expression hurts you. White eyelashes thick above his orange iris. Creamsicles. He's bright red, blush not just dusting his face, he's been dunked in it.
You know your own brows are furrowed upward so much you must look damn near pitiful. If only he’d pity you. “I-” he backs further away.
“Thanks for playing video games with me. I think I’m gonna go to Lux’s room.” It’ll infuriate you later that he didn’t even wanna talk about it but for now you let him go without a word. Your heart yearns to have him stay. Wrenching at the thought he's disgusted with you. Though to be fair, you’d be pretty disgusting with yourself too. And you are. Tears well and threaten to fall. But you bite them back. You’re left thinking as Dirk hurriedly closes the door behind him. He didn't even grab his glasses.
Why did he kiss back.. why did he hold your hand.. would he be happy with me?.. Why are you thinking about dating right after he looked at you like that?! Your thoughts spin as you sit alone. Where’s Dave?.. Dave.
Tears flow out of you like a floodgate was opened. Thoughts flow just as hard as your tears of how long you’ve been in love with Dirk. How long you’ve given your looks of desperation to the brother of the person you ruined your relationship with Terezi for.
“goddamnit..” you exasperate through sobs.