Chapter Text
Chapter One - And So It Begins
“Sam! Pay attention to me... I’m bored!” Lucifer sat upon a high stacked topple of books, balancing carefully on the red velvet pile. Lucifer pouted, cocking his head to the left to represent a great dane. Sam looked up from his laptop (he wasn’t reading explicit Samifer, no way) and eyed the Archangel in a calculating fashion. Lucifer mimicked the fashionable glare proceeded to jump down and sit suggestively in the chair opposite.
The hunter arched an eyebrow, “What do you want?”
“What I’ve always wanted, Bunk Buddy.” Lucifer mimicked the eyebrow once more.
“That’s not a very helpful statement...”
“Your face isn't a very helpful statement.”
“That is the worst comeback I’ve ever heard.” Sam muttered, going back to reading his totally-not-smut. Lucifer slowly closed the laptop with a singular finger before sighing deeply.
“Your inside feeling must be released Sammy, you can't sit at the computer all day and think about it. You must...act on it!” Of course, as Dean was his big brother and greatest inspiration, Sam did what he was taught best - DENY EVERYTHING GAY.
“I have no idea what you’re on about.”
“Sam, we’re two of a kind! I know what you think, I know what you do. Stop reading fanfiction!” Lucifer smiled softly with a patronising tone.
Sam blushed like a furious tsundere, glaring at the other “... I-I’m not, Luce…”
“I know your heart screams out for it, but you need to admit it to yourself. Destiel isn't real!”
Sam frowned. “Okay, first - you’re wrong. Have you seen the way Cas and Dean look at each other? They gently eye-fuck. They’re fucking canon… and fucking in canon, okay? Also, I wasn’t reading Destiel…” his blush returned.
“That’s the first stage of grief, denial!” A sadistic smile formed across the angel’s face.
“Oh my god!” Sam shouted in exasperation. “How many times must I spell it out? Dean and Cas are gay as hell for each other!”
From across the room, Sam could hear Dean mumble a half-hearted, “We’re not like that…”
Cas nodded subtly at Dean in mutual agreement. “So not gay…” Cas smiled sleepily as he cuddled into Dean’s chest.
“... See?” Sam whispered.
Lucifer swivelled the laptop onto his knee and yawned as he pulled up Sam’s Website History. “Destiel… Samifestial… Princess Bubblegum's Sweet Palace..?” Lucifer looked up casually from the screen, arching a brow. “You appear to have a Cas kink…” A smirk appeared.
“... Not a Cas kink…” Sam mumbled, flushing bright scarlet. “It’s an angel kink.”
"Doesn't that include wing-kink..?” Lucifer held in laughter. Sam stayed silent, staring at the floor, trying to will his blush away.
“Bunk Buddy is into wing-kink!” Lucifer closed the lid of the laptop before lying his head gently on the table, and began to laugh.
“... wanttogiveitago?” Sam spluttered all in one.
“You’ll have to speak up! I can’t heeeear you!” Lucifer mocked.
Sam cleared his throat, “Uh, you want to… uh.. give it a go?”
“Aw, gross, Sammy!” Dean complained.
“Hippocrite, we did it last night... mid air... flying naked in money, as we became one...” Cas said bluntly.
Dean fell off of his chair, “Cas!”
“What did I say?”
Sam smirked, “Told you it was canon.”
“So, Sammy boy wants to be the wing-kinky boy?” Lucifer chuckled.
“... Let me be… your wing-man.” Dean groaned at Sam's terrible attempt at flirtation.
Castiel’s voice boomed from across the room. “It feels better if you stroke it with your phallic objects! Dean has a very lovely-”
“Shut it, Cas!”
“But Dean!”
“Quiet, Cas!”
“Fine,” The angel growled, his dom eyebrow quirking. “But you’ll pay for your disrespect later…” Dean shuddered.
“So, Bunk Buddy wants wing-kink. 5 minutes ago you hated me, why the change of opinion?” Another insane smile from the fallen angel.
"No, Lucifer,” Sam paused dramatically, eyes darting up to meet those of the Fallen. Time slowed down as their eyes locked and Sam felt something pool deep within his stomach (semen?... go get that checked out, Sam… Semen does not come from your stomach... Oh... emotions!), ”I luuu- luuuuu- luuuuu-”
Lucifer simply stared at the Winchester, dumbfounded. “You what?”
“I love you, you piece of shit!” Ignoring the crude after statement, the fallen archangel paused slightly. Taken aback by the vessel’s expression, Lucifer bowed his head in contemplation.
“I know your interests are very… singular. But I don’t care!” Sam exclaimed boldly. Still no answer came from the archangel. Sam inhaled deeply, steeling his nerves. He took a step towards the archangel, grabbed him by his shirt and shouted in his face, “I WANT YOU INSIDE ME!” paused, then hastily tacked on; "Not in the vessel way."
“Damn it, Sammy!” Was shouted from the other side of the room. Dean clearly didn’t think Sam was very smooth with pick up lines.
“One week ago, I tortured you. I worshipped you, now you’re saying you want an assfuck by the Devil Himself?”
Sam nodded.
“Well, he always has been one kinky sonovabitch.” Dean muttered.
“Dean, on the path of the lord, a man must find his own pa-” Castiel was interrupted.
“Blow me, Cas.” Dean sighed, annoyed at the Seraphim and his long-winded way of speech… even if it was adorkable. He so did not just think that. Ugh, damn chick-flick moment.
“Well, if you wish…” Cas mumbled, confused.
“It wasn't literal!” Dean snapped, covering his silly angel’s mouth and watching the drama between his brother and Satan unfold.
“Erm, continuing... Sammy, A real reason, after all of…” Lucifer gestured to himself. “...this. Why do you l-l-ov.” Lucifer couldn’t get the words out.
“This is better than T.V.” Cas whispered to Dean, but Dean hushed him.
“You understand me.” Sam said, simply.
“Of course I do, we are one. But that doesn’t explain how you can forgive what has happened between us.”
Sam paused, considering his next words carefully. “When Dean says I’m one hell of a kinky sonovabitch… he means seriously… like, really. Did you know I had sex with myself when I was soulless? Managed to bribe Balthazar into teleporting me back in time…”
“What.” The Fallen Archangel froze. Dean and Cas stared motionless in horror-struck awe.
“Oh good Father in Heaven…” Cas sighed.
Sam nodded again, “-And there was this one time when-”
“Shut it, Sammy.” Dean interrupted quickly whilst Cas stared at Dean disapprovingly.
“But...you ruined the cliff hanger...like when Snape kills Dumbledore.” Cas mumbled, disappointed.
“Is there something you ain’t telling me, Cas?” Dean looked hurt.
“N-N-No, Dean. I simply referenced a daydream of sorts I had… once.”
“What?!”
“Your brother is surprisingly satisfying to dominate.” Cas shrugged.
“WHAAAT?!!??!?!??”
Lucifer sighed, confused... he still hadn’t grasped the concept of Lindsay Lohan, Starbucks, the miles of screaming girls of a man who was called Bustin Jeiber… who strangely reminded him of Michael if he was completely honest, both being way too whiny.
“... Anyways,” Sam continued. He looked Lucifer dead in the eye. “I want you to let me love you.”
“Excuse me a minute.” Lucifer stood quietly, pushed in his chair, and stepped out the door. Sam felt his heart shatter.
“Luce… please, if you can still hear me. I want to give you the world - not literally, don’t get any more ideas of world domination - I want to treat you like a princess. Be my baby daddy...” He whispered. No answer came from the Archangel.
“Well then... is there going to be another season?” Cas asked Dean glared.
“Cas, you’re not allowed to break the fourth wall.”
“Oh, my apologies. Sam looks heartbroken - would it be appropriate to offer him a threesome? Serve him a hot beverage?”
Dean glared at Cas.
“Samuelli.” Lucifer opened the door slowly.
“Shhhhh! The next season is starting!” Dean grabbed the duct tape from under the sofa (For him and Cas when the satanic couple were out) and duct taped Cas’ mouth. Cas’ eyes promised Dean punishment at a later date.
“Luce?” Sam felt his heart suddenly become super-glued back together.
“Since we came back from The Cage, I want to be with you too...but I’ve never done this before, let alone thinking I’d do it with a human… You’ll need to… guide me through this.”
“Mmmm...Mmm...mmm!” Cas mumbled.
“If Sammy has his way, he’ll guide you through something…” Dean coughed to cover up his cheeky remark.
Lucifer softly cupped Sam's hands with his own. “Can we do this?”
Sam blinked, his hope almost overwhelming. “Sex or a relationship? Do you mean the kinky-thang or the… luuuuuuu-”
Lucifer cut Sam’s rambling off with a sudden kiss then lifted his eyes to Sam’s widening ones. His shock was evident and Lucifer couldn’t help but to take some amusement from his Vessel’s reaction. He pulled back and noticed Sam’s face was still shocked.
“How about all of it combined? Like when you combine a plate of nacho’s… unorganised… but… functioning.”
Sam snapped himself out of his shock and responded with, “That’s the least romantic similie I’ve ever heard.”
"Not romantic, but true!" Lucifer replied.
"Mmmmm!" Cas nodded in agreement "Mm!"
“God dammit, Cas, stop making those sex noises! These jeans are tight enough- woah, wait TMI.” Dean head-desked.
“Mmm?” Cas questioned.
"Nothing, Cas." Dean bowed his head, embarrassed, and totally did not shift awkwardly to cover up his raging deanis boner.
"Sam… could we go somewhere, private?" Lucifer asked.
"MMMMMMM!" Cas' muffled squeals rang into Dean's ears.
“I don’t know if I’m supposed to be annoyed by the fact you didn’t listen to me… or turned on…” Dean muttered.
Cas frowned. "Mmm, mm, mmmmmm. Hmph!" then proceeded to cross his arms.
Dean groaned, “Aw great, now he’s giving me the annoyed wife treatment!”
“Mmhm!” Cas harrumphed.
Sam sat down quickly, "I feel dizzy..."
Lucifer picked Sam up in his arms as if he was a baby, holding him close to his chest and poofed them upstairs.
Cas ripped off his duct tape, completely unphased by the red square mark it left behind. "Oh my, they’re linking… they’re going to… consummate their profound bond."
Dean stared, unamused.
Upstairs, Sam blushed, “That was very… forward of you…”
Lucifer smiled gently "All relationships start somewhere, Sam… my Sam..."
Sam felt tingles of pleasant ice run across his spine at the possessive way Lucifer referred to him. New level of kinky there, Sam. He thought to himself.
"Luce.."
"Yes?" Lucifer laid the younger Winchester down on the bed, pulling the woolen blankets across him before laying opposite.
“I had considered myself a ‘no sex on the first date’ type of guy.” Sam joked weakly, his head hurting faintly. He blamed Cas and Dean’s old married couple arguments. Lucifer smiled and wrapped his arms around Sam's chest, holding his hands tight.
"As long as you’re happy, Sam." His hand began snaking around Sam’s torso and he felt anticipation well up-
"Hello boys." The broken voice of a man who hadn't eaten a soother in a while (a couple of centuries at least) appeared at the end of the bed, Crowley, on his face a shit-eating grin. Lucifer looked unamused (that was the mild term, downright murderous being the more accurate one).
“Just thought I’d pop in, say hello. Got any good Scotch?” Crowley looked around the room casually, as if he hadn’t just pissed off one of the world’s greatest hunters and the Devil himself. Crowley opened a small glass cabinet at the end of the room, Dean's secret stash of vintage (he was too ‘manly’ to admit to owning it, along with the stash of mixers and ‘girly’ cocktail recipes). Clinking a crystal glass, he poured himself a double.
“Here’s to the newlyweds!” Crowley raised his glass, and ignored the glares he was receiving.
“What… are you doing here?” Sam grit out.
“Unfinished business with Squirrel.” Crowley stated.
"His business is mine, he’s my brother." Sam glared at the demon harder.
Crowley raised a brow sceptically, “Even the naughty business?”
"That is for the Sephalim to concern himself with." Lucifer frowned disapprovingly.
Crowley took a sip of his whiskey and smirked, “A threesome is hardly new territory for me.”
Sam blanched. He was all for that kind of stuff, but Crowley… ewwwww. Lucifer had chosen the wrong moment to link with Sam's mind.
"Really...?" Lucifer stared in disbelief.
Sam shrugged, trying to pull his most innocent face. “Samifestiel… I read this really good fic…”
"... I am not fucking a Soldier of the Lord. Especially the one your brother interacts with hourly… I remember that one from when he was a fledgling, back when he was in angel diapers..."
"Oh dear me. Sam caught on a crossroads of which pretty boy angel you want to fuck?"
Gabriel snapped into existence.
“Hey now, just because you rule Hell doesn’t mean you can swear like that. You better put $5 in the swear jar.”
Lucifer stared at his brother in disbelief. “... Gabriel?”
“Long time no stab, bro.” Gabriel grinned.
“... I’m not even going to ask.” Lucifer shook his head, used to his younger sibling’s antics.
"Ooh, another angel. You part of the Winchester-Harem too, choir boy?"
“Yup.” Gabriel popped the ‘p’. “Samoose here is in fact my Master... I kneel only to you, almighty sasquatch! Joking, joking!” He reassured Lucifer when he noticed the older archangel glaring at him in a way that really brought the expression ‘if looks could kill’ to life.
"Hmph." Lucifer frowned. Sam totally didn't feel adored by the protectiveness of the Archangel. Despite his earlier claims of wishing to treat Lucifer like a princess, he was the one who felt like the true princess... with multiple winged knights at his beck and call. Get your mind out of the gutter, Sam - He told himself.
"Well, ladies... if you’ll excuse me, I have a pest to deal with." Crowley put the crystal glass down and proceeded to teleport to the Angelic couple.
Cas was still sitting with his arms crossed, refusing to look at Dean.
"Cas, c'mon man, you’re killing me..."
No answer.
"Cas."
No answer.
"You two love-birds fighting?” Crowley enquired.
"What the hell are you doing here, Crowley?" Dean stood up in front of the pissed angel, who just so happened to be giving him the silent treatment like the grumpy asshole he was deep-down.
“Spooning.” Crowley said simply.
“Uh huh..."
"I’m actually here on business, not pleasure..."
Meanwhile, Gabriel had decided to entertain (... or piss off) Satan and the hunter (ah, his beloved Sammymoose) with pick up lines.
“I would call Heaven and tell them an angel was missing, but I’m kinda hoping you’re a slut…”Gabriel wiggled his eyebrows at Sam. Lucifer growled quietly at his younger brother before controllingly wrapping an arm around Sam's shoulders.
“If you're feeling down, I can feel you up.” Gabriel sung. Sam’s face flushed, not noticing the small glow in the back of Lucifer's eyes.
“I may not go down in history, but I'll go down on you!” The trickster winked. His eyes were a pleasant golden color and made Sam feel strangely warm. Lucifer’s grip tightened.
"I hope you have a sewing machine, because I’m going to tear that ass up!” As much as Gabriel enjoyed annoying others, he wasn’t in fact suicidal, and so poofed out just as the last word left his mouth and he narrowly avoided the wave of raw, angry energy Lucifer sent flying his way.
"Luce!" Sam pouted.
"You’re mine." Lucifer growled as he forcefully straddled Sam and pinned him down on the bed, a dangerous look in his eyes. Sam’s startled expression only egged him on. He leaned in closer, his cool breath fanning across the human’s face.
“Luce…” He murmured, tingles stretched across Sam's wrists as patches of frost achingly formed.
“No,” Lucifer hissed, his voice deceptively soft. “You were… enjoying Gabriel’s attentions. Don’t deny it, Sam…”
"N-No Luce, I..." Sam stuttered, blushing a light, shameful crimson, the strange exhilaration he felt at being overpowered so easily almost scaring him, adding to his awkwardness.
"Don’t play games with the Devil, Sam, you'll always lose." An inviting grin spread across the face of the fallen Archangel. Sam’s natural stubbornness kicked in.
“The apocalypse that didn’t happen would kinda suggest otherwise.” He wondered if he was pushing the Devil too far.
"Excuse me?" The oddly pleasurable patches of frost laced themselves further down, moving to his torso and neck, soothing his feverish skin. Sam resisted crying out at the cold sensation. “C’mon, Sam,” Lucifer cooed softly. “You know you want to moan for me.”
“Younger Brother.” A beckoning voice boomed from the bottom of the bed, Lucifer looked up to see Michael. Alive, and back from the cage (inside Adam… and not in the sexy way).
“God damn it!” Sam groaned.
“I am not allowed peace, am I? Brother!” Lucifer forced a grin.
Gabriel popped up again. “This is one hell of a cockblock. Someone should invite Raphie, we could have a family reunion.”
“Sammy, Cas is being a whore again.” Dean walked into the room and proceeded to stare at Michael, Michael stared back. Everyone ignored the muffled screams coming from downstairs from Castiel.
“Dean, how many times have I told you that you shouldn’t shame others for the sexual habits? I mean, really…” Sam grumbled.
“Plus you’re quite the manslut youself, Deano.” Gabriel smirked.
“Shut it, both of you. Where’s Crowley?” Dean eyed everyone in the room, they all proceeded to shrug with the exception of Gabriel. Gabriel stared at Dean and slowly walked towards him, hand outstretched, placing it lightly upon his face and began to stroke it.
“Uh…” Dean leaned back, trying to avoid the trickster but ended up almost falling over when Gabriel caught him, grasping his waist and dipping him awkwardly (the height difference got in the way, Dean’s legs were bent in a fairly painful way). “Gabriel… what are you doing...?” Dean felt unknown emotions well-up inside of him, like an erect penis. What about Castiel? His angel… his… baby daddy. None the less, the golden gaze of the Archangel, a trickster none the less… was… enticing.
“Polygamy.” Gabriel whispered simply, his grin quirking.
“What's that?” Dean asked softly.
Cas popped up, his duct tape gone. “Polygamy, state of marriage to many spouses or frequent marriage is a marriage that includes more than two partners and falls under the broader category of Consensual Non-Monogamy. When a man is married to more than one wife at a time.” Cas said bluntly.
“Nobody asked for your opinion Cas!” Dean shouted before slowly turning back to gaze at his new beloved. Everyone gasped...
Somehow, Destiel was broken.