Chapter Text
“When you’re young, you believe that there are many people whom you would be able to connect with.
Later in life you would only realize, it really happens a few times.” It rarely happens.
That’s the thought I always have every time my eyes meet his. There’s this incomparable wordless thing I always have every time I spend even a second with him. I do not know how people handle something like this. Until it occurred to me. When something so rare happens, how can we miss it right? I do not know if that made sense, and it might sound customary however the thing about this could go on and on until you want it to. It could surpass any dimensions and time, if you want it to.
I want it to.
I wanted it to.
-
It’s almost impossible not to think about it even after all these years. I’m so preoccupied with stacks of files to review, lessons to proofread and teach, people to save from unimaginable lost and hopeless scenarios, but still. I always find myself back to our square ones.
The beginnings. The firsts.
How I was the first one to know a piece of him he doesn’t talk about when I was being sulky and pushy while holding his injured fist along the corridor, as we're walking at the lobby of Hankuk University - Law School. How he was the first person to calm me down, no one else ever did, except him as I was panting and barging the locked glass doors in the middle of the night. How I was the first person to see when he let down all his walls, silently in remorse and in unbearable pain while I was on my way upstairs with all my cleaned clothes in a weird container. How he was the first person I talked about my sister and how he’s willing to listen to me. How I was the one, the only one, who believed in him more than anyone else when everybody blamed him and wouldn’t listen on his side.
I believed him and how I will always do.
How he always see me first amongst the crowd and knows what I need every time - a time to think when my mind’s about to blow up, a space when everything’s making no sense anymore, words of comfort equivalent to the warmest embrace a person could give when I don’t wanna keep fighting, the truth and honesty with calmness even if it would kill all my insides, a company when I am about to breakdown and wants someone just sitting inches away from me to assure me that I am not alone, that joking smile when he wants to make fun of me even in serious situations, those eyes I always look for when I need him only to find out he’s already waiting for me to look his way. He’s always there.
And how we both find peace in each other’s presence.
How he was the first to believe that I could when I was so close to giving up and losing every amount of pride I have left in me. How he values my pace and patiently waits for me to come up with all the ideas myself to solve cases during law school days. How he knows when I’m not telling the truth and would not let that moment pass until I tell him what I need to say once and for all.
Until it occurred to me.
-
“How can we make sure that the legal codes could address this?”
“I mean this would only make this worse for her.” one of the lawmakers spoke up while passing all the folders around for others to see.
"The proceedings are on hold. What we need to do is to look out for other loopholes on the other side.” Atty. Park said while he's scratching his back with his apparatus everybody knows he owns.
“This is beyond my scope, Mr. Lim.” one of them said, completely not interested in getting the case.
“I am sorry but I cannot handle another case of a victim being published for public interests.” one said as well
“If I were you, you should take this to the higher courts with greater influences”
“For the meantime let’s see how we can address this.”
“Atty Kang, what about you?”
“Kang Sol?”
I am not in my sane mind again. “What are we talking about again?”
“Yoo-Seo Case, Atty.”
“Yes, right. I apologize I’m just being a little dizzy, that's all.”
“Here’s the copy of the similar cases I read yesterday which will be a great deal with this kind of scenario. I mean, this is a tough one but considering the ruling and the existing codes we have now, I think it’s worth a shot. I’ll be contacting other firms and offices if I have to. Also, I kept in touch with the previous lawmakers who handled last month’s proceedings. I’ll keep you posted once all the files are sent to me.” I said while distributing all the clipped files I already proofread and confidently looked at them even if I was lost a while ago.
And now all I can see are nods of agreement on their faces. This is the high. The feeling and that power it brings to you when you’re doing what you really want to do in the first place. In moments like these, I always come back to the very first win I had as an Attorney in Law. The fear and double guessing I had that day, standing without any training wheels from my professors in Law School, no study group and friends to help me scrutinize every minute detail of the case. And no him, to look up to in case I need someone to back me up. I stood up on the side of the defendant. I delivered all the things I had to say. The high never died down until the moment I looked after my client, after our case rested and won. With tears in her eyes, she gave me her endless gratitude. And she still does.
The rush. This is what it feels like to do what you always want to do. It always feels like the first time.
“If there’s no more to be discussed, let’s call it a night.” I said and thanked everyone in this room.
-
As people one by one left my office, I was left alone. I took the time to sit for a while staring as the city lights started to get brighter as the sun bid its final wave for today over my glass windows. I finalized the critics' views I find relevant and turned off all the devices here. I checked the time on my phone as I grabbed my bag at the corner of my desk. I stood up and walked through the door as I glanced back at my office in case I left anything behind. When it was good to go, I continued walking across the hallway. As the elevator door opened, I accelerated my pace to catch it. Gosh, that was close. I waited for the next one. I checked the time on my phone once again. “I’m not yet late” I whispered as I placed my phone inside my bag.
I was about to head down to my car when someone approached me.
“Kang Sol A!” he exclaimed, while running towards me.
“Jiho!” I said while we hugged each other, “It’s been a while since I saw you.” while I broke our physical touch.
“I know. It’s been so long since we had our reunion night tradition."
"How are you by the way since when did you come back here? We missed you.” he said coldly. Well, Jiho’s still Jiho.
“I’m fine. Gosh, ask me other things, I’m not good at remembering days and dates."
"How’s twinnine? Are you planning on bailing her anytime soon?” I jokingly asked him.
He chuckled and said, “I guess I do not have the right to do that because it will be worse.”
“Idiot. Say hi to her for me, please.” I replied to him.
“We should set a night out anytime soon, shall we?” he smiled a bit but noticed how I reacted to that so he immediately said in return,
“Oh, I’m sorry I shouldn’t have said that.”
“No, no. It’s fine. Really. Sure. Count me in.” I said while punching his shoulder slightly to convince him further.
“Are you sure?”
“I am.”
“Okay then, I’ll see you soon then? Take care on your way? Home?” he said hesitantly
“Take care as well.” I said to him and formed a smile in return
I was about to open the door of my car when he said, “I guess he’s already fine there. Just.. if you want to know.”
-
I bowed my head and smiled at Jiho. I opened the door and sat in the driver’s seat while watching Jiho walk away, from where my car’s parked. I sat there for a while without any intention of leaving at all. I checked the time again and it’s getting late. The full car park is now getting emptier and the night’s darker than minutes before. I carefully placed my bag next to me and started driving home.
And now, I’m back at the square ones. Again.
These firsts did not mean much before
Until it occurred to me.
-
Those copy room moments, just the two of us, that we used to be fighting but not actually fighting while discussing our cases together -
turned out to be the moments when he could tell me, without our friends buzzing around us and telling jokes in front of us, how exceptionally beautiful I am to his eyes apparently with that dorky look on his face, smiling at me even if I’m on my no-bath look with food stains on the sleeve of my jacket-since-yesterday and how my hair, not combed over midnight, falls down on my shoulders.
Those late night calls we used to do even after deliberation and meeting with our friends the whole day before just to narrow down all the things we did for a day over the phone when we were still on L1 days trying to help Yeseul on her case with that bastard, I don’t mind mentioning his name -
turned to be the secret calls we make when my roommate’s half-pass asleep snoring in my end and how he’s trying to lower down his voice so that Jiho won’t budge and stare at him with that curiosity and blank face he always makes.
Those in denial moments where he has reasons, and turn things into jokes when I’m teasing him why he has all these means to make sure I am safe all the time - those walking me home at night and extreme measures he does for my family and everything in between -
turned to be the night when he first held my hand shyly and how he was trying to avoid eye contact and talking about how the walls along the driveway were painted evenly and perfectly built for ample barrier around the neighborhood just for me not to notice how his ears are tomato red and burning as his shaky voice echoed back at my close on bursting heart keeping all the laugh and love feeling towards this finally no longer a coward man beside me, holding his hand tighter as the cold breeze of December shelters the beginning of our blossoming story we always hold close to our souls.
Those drunk nights which I cannot totally remember, when I was dealing with my own stuff, when I was too depressed about my grades despite all the efforts I made just to have higher marks than before, when I am too messed up of all the losses and personal struggles, and when I am in doubt of doing things on my own being jealous of him on how he can perfectly deal with problems I have and how I may sound pathetic to him all the time -
turned to be the nights we can casually share our random stories to each other when we were younger getting scolded and ignoring all the rules and being free. Telling stories about our families and how magical it always is to catch every detail to know when it’s time to pull each other closer. He will kiss my forehead and will tell me that I always have him as I am for him, no matter what.
Those ordinary days - when he makes me hangover soup every morning every time I got drunk, when he’s always there with me at the legal clinic which he doesn’t have to, sharing his favorite ramen even if he loves it so much more than his entire existence, how he’s always there to help me practice before trials we had during Law School days, and how we find it cool to go on court trials during break hours not minding how he’s insane of having this idea as his way to wind down -
turned to be the days where he writes sweet messages on sticky notes alongside a newly cooked breakfast for me every morning, how we now solve actual cases far harder than we had during our olden days, that rainy night he confessed his love to me over a cup of ramen and how he’s so nervous and tensed I’ve never witnessed before and how he asked for my hand and to spend the rest of our lives together on an empty trial room after his first big win as a prosecutor as he included in his speech how many court dates we had since our first.
And it goes on and on and on.
-
I reached home with all these thoughts in my head, glad I made it here where all my parts are still intact. I parked my car in front of our house, too tired to move further inside. I stopped for a while and looked over the house we built together remembering that this used to be just a small one and how just time flew by. I placed my hands on the steering wheel as I was playing with the wedding band on my ring finger.
As I was feeling the urge of tears desperately wanting to flow down my face, I immediately stepped out of the car and grabbed my things before anything else happened. I walked down our porch slowly while suppressing all the feelings I have. I opened our front door and walked inside, closed it, and dropped everything in my hands as I dropped all the feelings I’d been keeping all day long. I sat on the floor, leaning against the wall and as my eyes started to let down all the water I had in my body, the night clouds decided to accompany me with the tear drops I could clearly hear as they were trying to get ahead of each other to reach the ground.
My mind’s slate white at the moment and I know I cannot trust my emotions - this feeling, as always, for they are temporary and can change in just a split second. But there’s one thing I’m sure of - always is, always have been and always will be.
I love a person named Han Joonhwi.
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