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Very little scared Harvey Specter, but this did.
He hadn’t slept a wink last night, couldn’t stomach anything for breakfast this morning.
Harvey rarely got nervous because he was always the one in control but not now.
This time he was on the bench. He was the client, and he hated it.
All that control he loved so much was stripped away , leaving him at the mercy of the court, and it truly scared him.
But he couldn’t let it show.
He kept his game face on even as his palms sweated in his pockets and his stomach turned cartwheels inside him.
However as the time for the trial drew closer, the anxiety kept rising, making him feel physically sick, and his chest feel tight.
Some subtle tugs at his tie and shirt to try and provide some airflow to stop him from overheating did little to remedy how he felt.
And people kept talking to him, a constant chatter of legal talk that currently was just going in one ear and out the other.
He couldn’t pay attention.
Finally when he was at a point where he knew he wouldn’t be able to hide his nerves any longer, he excused himself and bee-lined to the bathroom, the one place he hoped he’d be alone.
It was empty thankfully and he leaned against the sink, tugging his tie aside and opening the top button on his shirt as he gasped for breath, feeling his body shaking, tears burning in his closed eyes.
“Harvey?”
Why couldn’t he get two seconds of peace?
He looked up and saw Mike had entered, and was looking worried, “You okay?”
Normally he would lie, insist that he was totally fine, that he wasn’t shitting himself.
But he realized it was much too clear from his appearance that he wasn’t.
So he went for a half truth, “I felt sick so I came here for some air.”
“Air in the bathroom? Odd choice.”
“Outside is too crowded.”
“Hey- “Mike came over to him and put a hand on his back, “It’ll be okay, alright? We have a solid case, we’re going to win.”
Harvey met his eyes, and the fear couldn’t have been clearer, “And if we don’t?”
Mike swallowed, “We will win.”
“But what if we don’t?” Harvey’s tone got more frantic as the anxiety built up again, and his breaths got shorter, “I-I’m going to lose everything! My job a-and my security and my title…everything I w-worked for it’ll all go to shit!”
He was spiralling quickly, his hands clenching into fists, his breaths turning into rapid wheezes for air, his face splotchy red with anxiety, his eyes teary.
“Woah woah woah-“ Mike rubbed his back, “Harvey you need to breathe, okay?”
But breathing felt impossible.
Mike seemed to realize Harvey was struggling and he grabbed his shoulder and forced him to face him, “Harvey listen to me. You need to take some deep breaths, alright?” he kept his hands on his shoulders, rubbing gently, then demonstrated some deep breathing, “Like that. You need to slow down, you’re having a panic attack.”
Harvey knew what it was, he’d had many a panic attack in a bathroom stall before a trial before. It was a secret he’d never tell anyone but for once he was glad he wasn’t alone during it.
Because this time it was much worse because it wasn’t just his rep on the line, it was everything.
So he followed Mike’s instructions, forcing his breaths to slow down, even as his chest remained tight and after a minute or so his breathing started to even out and his muscles began to relax, and Mike felt it in his shoulders.
“Good.” He grabbed a paper towel from the dispenser in arms reach, “Here, splash some water on your face.”
Harvey did so, then dried it off with the scratchy towel. It had helped a bit.
Nodding slowly as he tossed the paper towel in the trash, he looked back at Mike, “Thank you Mike.”
“Don’t mention it.” He smiled, patting Harvey’s arm again, “And I mean it, I’m not just saying it to make you feel better, but we have a good case here. You’re going to be fine.”
“And if things don’t work out?”
“Then we’ll figure it out together. Because you’re not alone in this Harvey. Me, Jessica, Rachel, Donna, even Louis, we’re all on your side.”
And hearing that really did help and Harvey managed a hint of a smile and a nod.
Glancing at his watch he realized with a jolt of anxiety that he was due in the court room in two minutes, “We have to go.”
Mike nodded and they both headed for the door, “Can you…not tell anyone about this?”
With a nod, Mike feigned a zipped lips sign, “Your secret is safe with me.”
“Wait.” Mike stopped him before they left, “Your tie, it’s undone. Here.” He quickly did Harvey’s top button and tie back up for him, “There.”
Harvey just let him do it, his hands were still shaking after all, and maybe he kind of liked how that had felt, “Thanks.”
“Don’t mention it.” He patted Harvey’s back.
“Now come on, let’s go win this thing.”