Work Text:
“...nnngh…”
Head hurts legs numb tired tired tired let me sleep go back and sleep stop thinking please no more thoughts
At half past 2 AM on a Saturday, Ren laid half awake in bed. His thoughts were melting and sticking together like taffy, an indescribable haze setting over his mind. Even though his eyes were open, his sight was blurry and the darkness of the room blocked out any clarity.
Worthless stupid crazy faker end it already give up maybe you’re just just just just just
just
He was hot. But when he kicked off the blankets, he was cold. When he pulled them up again, he was hot. It was infuriating.
Let your marbles of thought roll around until they shatter like glass break apart cut open bleed dry
He jerked up with a hiss of annoyance. Wiping away his bangs from his eyes, he squinted to check the clock and frowned.
Yet again, huh…
He had been having sleep issues for a long time. A really long time. Since middle school. At some point, he’d given up on fixing it and grew accustomed to waking up every night. It was a hindrance, but over the years he had just trained his body to be able to run on little sleep.
Curling his knees to his chest, he stared up at the ceiling listlessly. The low hum of rainfall coming from an old white-noise machine helped to calm his nerves, but in the long run it couldn’t fix the problem.
… I wonder if anyone else is awake…
Wataru probably was. He had a habit of staying up to work on lyrics, after all. Which likely meant Rio was as well, considering how much he tended to fuss over Wataru. So going to them for company was an option. Except… he didn’t really want to intrude if they were working on music together. It would be too awkward. That sent option one down the drain.
The problem was… there wasn’t exactly a great option two. He could always try and go back to sleep, but from the moment he had woken up there had been a jittery feeling in his limbs. A tremble he couldn’t quite shake off.
Why are you still here?
He rested his head on top of his knees and sighed softly. He hated nighttime. Nighttime was when all the bad thoughts rose to the surface, the self-hatred and weakness that was kept under wraps during the day. It was as if the sun setting flipped a switch on his brain. He knew most people focused easier at night, but it was the opposite for him. The thoughts were crawling around his mind, even now.
...I’m really tired. I’m scared. I’m sad. I’m…
…alone.
His hands fell down to his sheets and he gripped them tightly. A cold sweat began to form on his face.
“I’m okay,” he muttered. “It’s fine. I’m fine.”
I’m fine, he repeated over and over again until his ears began to ring. He thought maybe he could hear a buzzing far off. Maybe it wasn’t real. He couldn’t tell.
Alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone
“Shut up,” he hissed to himself. Part of him wanted to laugh, at how stupid he felt. Talking to himself. The other part wanted to burst into tears.
Instead, he put on his glasses and picked up his phone with shaky hands. There was one other option. One for emergencies.
[ Me: um ]
[ Me: are you awake ]
He almost cried in relief when the screen flashed ‘read’ and the text bubble popped up.
[ nayuta-kun: what ]
[ nayuta-kun: do you need something ]
If it were under different circumstances, Ren would’ve been more likely to try and hide the truth of the situation. It was the norm for him, lying about his wellness. Perhaps it was because he had gone so long without friends, that he feared opening up. He had yet to be fully honest with Argonavis about his mental health problems. There was a part of him that shrunk away from ‘trust’, ‘bonds’, in favor of suffering alone. It was easier that way. Nobody had to judge him that way. Nobody had to…
He was too exhausted to put on the mask.
[ Me: im alone ]
[ Me: no. nnno that doesnt work i just ]
[ Me: i keep on hearing things and thinking things and they wont go away no matter what ]
[ Me: can i see you please ]
[ nayuta-kun: just come spend the night here then ]
Ren’s heart jumped into his throat.
[ Me: are you sure??? ]
[ Me: i dont wanna be a burden on u ]
[ nayuta-kun: ugh ]
[ nayuta-kun: you’re not a burden just hurry it up ]
Despite the heavy feelings weighing him down, he couldn’t help but smile weakly.
… Blunt as always, huh? I guess… I can always count on Nayuta-kun for that.
[ Me: ok. sorry ]
[ Me: im coming ]
Dragging himself out of bed, he pulled on a hoodie and sweatpants. After tucking his phone into a small carry-on bag along with a change of clothes and his house key, he tiptoed out of his room and down the stairs.
He didn’t particularly enjoy keeping things from the rest of Argonavis. But what had started as a simple white lie had snowballed itself into a disastrous conglomerate of falsehoods, resulting in a mass of secrets he no longer felt safe to admit to. That he was dating Nayuta was just the tip of the iceberg. So sneaking out in the middle of the night wasn’t something he wanted to be caught in the midst of.
He had thought he was doing pretty good, too. None of the floorboards creaked under his feet, and Pon-chan didn’t even stir when he passed by the sleeping puppy. He had made it all the way over to the front door and slipped his shoes on, when…
“Nanahoshi?”
He flinched.
Way to go, Ren…
Turning around hesitantly, he swallowed as his eyes met Rio’s.
“R… Rio…”
Rio narrowed his eyes at Ren.
“Are you going somewhere? At this time?”
Stomach churning, he dropped his gaze and let go of the door handle.
“...Yeah. ‘m just…gonna go out. For a bit.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Rio said firmly. “It’s not particularly safe at this time.”
“So what?” he blurted out. Guilt washed over him when he saw Rio recoil in surprise at the harshness of his tone.
“I-I mean… it’s nothing you need to worry about. I know what I’m doing.”
“Nanahoshi, please,” Rio replied, his tone turning gentle.
Ren hesitated.
Don’t be stupid.
Are you really going to let them baby you again?
Not even seeing you as an adult…
If you tell them, it’ll get worse, y’know.
’Ren is too sick! He needs our help!’ …Right?
He grit his teeth.
“I’m fine… really. Just let me leave.”
Alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone al
“Nanahoshi. It’s not safe. Whatever you need to do can wait.”
...Oooh, how are you gonna respond to that one?
Coward.
“Shut up.” he spat. Both of them froze at the same time.
He’s going to hate you now. You’ve really done it this time.
“I-I-”
One step backwards. Two steps backwards. His hand was on the doorknob again. Just one, simple action and-
“Nanahoshi-”
The door flew open and chilly night air drifted in.
In an instant, he was running. Running faster than he could comprehend, wind tearing at his face. His eyes had begun to water too, although he couldn’t tell whether it was because of the breeze stinging or the panic setting in.
It hurt, regardless of the reason.
It was only once he was a safe distance away from the house that he slowed down, breath rattling in his chest unsteadily. His bangs stuck to his forehead with the sweat that had built up, and he rubbed them away with a sleeve.
I… God, I messed up… so badly…
A hiccup escaped him, and he sniffled. He was weak, the same as always. And this time it had dragged down others as well.
“Stupid,” he whispered to himself as he stood up on shaky legs. “Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid…”
Like a mantra, he repeated it with no end as he continued to walk forward.
Misery was a curse that never ended.
-
By the time he reached the Gyroaxia sharehouse, he was shivering from head to toe. Like an idiot, he had forgotten to grab a proper jacket. A stupid mistake, judging from the way his teeth chattered and the feeling of goosebumps prickling over his skin.
Rather than knocking, he texted Nayuta, who opened the door within a minute. As his eyes scanned over Ren, his gaze turned to a glare.
“Why the hell are you shivering? Didn’t you wear a jacket?”
Ren stared at the ground. If he looked hard enough, he could see flecks of silver in the dull gray concrete.
The silence stretched out. Finally, he heard a sigh.
“...Whatever. Just hurry up and come in.”
A warm hand wrapped around his own, tugging him forward and into the light of the house. As the door closed behind him, he let out a breath of relief.
The colors and shapes of the house began to blur around him as they walked, Nayuta guiding him despite Ren’s countless visits in the past. It was both familiar and confusing, a warped sense of nostalgia settling in his head. When the wooden flooring turned to soft carpeting under his feet, he looked up again, the scene melting back into recognition even through the darkness.
Exhausted, he stumbled towards the bed. Except in his half-asleep daze, he didn’t notice as something crumpled under his steps, startling him enough to nearly fall over. He flinched as Nayuta caught him with an arm around his waist.
“S-sorry,” he stammered immediately. “I-I wasn’t… what did I step on?”
“Nothing,” Nayuta muttered. “Ignore it.”
Part of him wanted to protest. Because it felt wrong, in the sense that Nayuta wasn’t exactly the type of person to have a mess of paper or whatever it was scattered over his floor. It felt wrong that he had caught Ren without scolding him for being clumsy.
But there was a certain roughness to his voice, something hoarse and tired-sounding that Ren hadn’t ever heard before. So he willed himself to leave it. For the time being, at least.
No, it was enough to be able to sit down and melt into Nayuta’s arms. Breathing in slowly, he closed his eyes and rested his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder.
“...Thank you,” he murmured, not expecting an answer. Sure enough, rather than a verbal response, Nayuta merely ran a hand through Ren’s hair, smoothing it down from its disheveled state.
Neither of them spoke for what felt like an eternity. All Ren cared about was the warmth exuding from Nayuta, and the hand gently petting his head. When he finally pulled back, he was surprised to see Nayuta staring at him with a particularly troubled expression.
“What?” Ren asked, his voice cracking. Something wet dripped down his cheek, and he blinked as a teardrop hit his lap.
O-oh. That’s… that’s weird…
Nervous laughter escaping him, he rubbed his eyes desperately. Why did he have to start crying now? He was in a safe space, with someone he trusted and loved. The attack from earlier should have worn off by now.
“A… aha… this really… isn’t fair…”
His whole body shook with sobs.
“I’m sorry,” he hoarsely whispered, shutting his eyes.
He was so tired. Tired of putting up with it all, tired of his issues never being laid to rest. When warm arms wrapped around him to squeeze him firmly, he couldn’t find the strength to say anything anymore.
Just like that, he slipped into sleep.
-
When Ren opened his eyes again, it was still dark. The only light in the room came from the faint shine of the hall light, a soft white glow. His eyelids were heavy and sticky, and his legs wobbled as he pushed off a blanket to get up.
...Ngh… bathroom…
Numbly, he made his way into the hallway to locate the bathroom. Obviously, he had been in the Gyroaxia sharehouse before, but the half-asleep state of mind wasn’t helping him in the slightest. Especially when he was feeling around in the dark without his glasses.
By the time he had made it back to Nayuta’s bedroom, he was almost fully awake, still feeling somewhat unsettled. The memories of running away from Rio back at home had begun to set in, and a chill was crawling up his back. Mouth dry, he hurried back towards the bed.
...crunch…
“Ah…!”
With a small yelp, he stumbled backwards. It was the same as before… something crumbling under his feet. This time, though… he could just barely make out what it was. He crouched down and squinted.
“Music…?”
He felt something in his chest constrict.
“...!”
All across the page was a mess of black ink, furious scribbles and stains until the notes were unrecognizable. It wasn’t even just one sheet. All across the floor… scattered and ripped pages, each one bearing the same scratches and marks as the last.
W… what is this…?
Before he had the chance to look closer, a thumping from the direction of the bed made him shoot up with wide eyes. Pulse increasing, he made a dash for the bed. He knew Nayuta had certain health issues, and after an incident in the past where he had woken up in a coughing fit, Ren had gained a lingering fear about something happening while they were both asleep.
Except… physically, Nayuta looked fine. Pale, sure, but he had always looked like that. His breathing was steady, too.
Did I just imagine that…?
He hadn’t even blinked before Nayuta lashed in his sleep, his body twisting with a choked-up cry escaping his mouth.
That was all it took for Ren to move.
“Nayuta-kun…!! Nayuta-kun, wake up…!”
Desperation pooling into his gut, he shook the sleeping boy back and forth. He didn’t know how to explain the panic that flared through his head. All he knew was that he had to wake up Nayuta, and now.
“...U… ugh…”
When Nayuta’s eyes blinked open, Ren didn’t give him a second to spare before throwing his arms around him, trembling.
Nayuta barely even responded.
Normally, he would’ve lightly shoved Ren away with a huff of fond irritation, maybe scolding him for jumping on him without a second thought. But something was off.
Nayuta was shaking.
That wasn’t right at all.
“N-Nayuta-kun?” he whispered. “Nayuta-kun, what’s… what’s wrong…?”
Ren heard him inhale sharply, and abruptly he was pushed away.
“I’m fine.”
Bullshit.
“N-no you’re not! You were thrashing in your sleep, and crying out, a-and you’re—”
“Shut up.”
Instantly, he froze. He could hear the blood rushing in his ears, and the scenery around him was slowly fading away until all that was left was Nayuta, glaring at him furiously. Heart pounding painfully against his ribcage, he could only stare in shock.
Aw, man… looks like you messed up. What’s one lost relationship, though…?
Do you really need him if he doesn’t need you?
Ren felt his breathing increase.
...Staying a coward as always, then.
N-no… no… nonononononononono—
“No!!”
The strength of his voice surprised both of them. He flinched, while Nayuta blinked in surprise. The two of them stared at each other for a moment, neither willing to speak first.
Ren broke the silence.
“I… I w-won’t be quiet. I can’t… leave you alone, not when you’re suffering.”
Nayuta hissed in annoyance.
“Leave it alone, Nanahoshi.”
Strangely enough, Ren couldn’t hear his thoughts anymore. It was like his mind had gone into a tranquil state, ridden of the intrusive whispers he was used to.
“Why… w-why won’t you let me support you?” His voice was firm, yet choked-up.
“I struggle… with a lot. A lot, more than I should be putting up with. And yet… you’ve always comforted me. You’ve always let me come over when I need it, and I… I’ve been scared that I burden you too much. Because I’m weak, and a coward. S-so…”
Hesitantly, he reached out to grab ahold of Nayuta’s hands. To his relief, the other boy didn’t pull away.
“So please… let me listen, at least. I-I’m scared… about how much you suffer alone. I know that Gyroaxia isn’t… as close as Argonavis.”
As close as Argonavis…
It had been stupid of him to run away from Rio, hadn’t it? He… was acting like a hypocrite, telling Nayuta to trust him when Ren hadn’t even trusted his friends. Rio had wanted to help him too, and he had pushed him away. Just like now.
He took a deep breath to steady himself. He’d have to worry about Rio and Argonavis later.
“I know that it’s… really hard to trust other people. To believe in people. And I don’t… want to push you. So if you really don’t want to talk to me… I understand. But I don’t… want us to be one-sided. I don’t want to be comforted while you deal with problems by yourself. ...Okay…?”
Throat dry, he squeezed Nayuta’s hand and tried to smile. It felt like an eternity, the seconds that stretched out as neither said anything.
“...I don’t want pity.” Nayuta said at last, his voice tight.
Ren tipped his head to the side. His smile felt more real now, even though his eyes were burning with tears.
“Empathy isn’t pity, Nayuta-kun.”
Something changed in Nayuta’s eyes, the burning glare in them fading. Without warning, he hooked an arm around Ren’s waist and dragged them down to the bed together, both now laying down. Ren couldn’t help but let out a squawk of surprise as he hit the mattress with a thump. Nayuta merely wrapped his arms around him and let out a breath.
“...You’re so goddamn weird. I don’t get you.”
“O… oh…”
“...Nanahoshi.”
“Y-yes…?”
He felt Nayuta hesitate. With his free arm, Ren carefully raised it and began to pet his head, smoothing out his hair in what he hoped was a soothing pattern. A flood of solace washed over him when he felt Nayuta relax slightly.
“Why… do you care about me?”
“Nayu—”
“You can’t… say it’s anything about music. Nothing about singing… or composing. None of that.”
It felt like something in Ren’s chest broke.
“Nayuta-kun,” he murmured weakly. “I don’t love you because you’re talented. Is… is that what you think of the people around you…?”
Nayuta didn’t respond. All it did was convince Ren he was right.
It hurt. It hurt, how little affection he could see Nayuta received. It hurt that he thought the only reason people cared was because of his talent. Not when Ren could feel his chest swell with love every time they were together.
“I love how kind you are to me,” he began quietly, closing his eyes and snuggling closer to his boyfriend. “I love how you always make me challenge myself. I love that you let me borrow your clothes, even though it embarrasses you. I love the fact you have a soft spot for cats, and how much you care about Nyankotaro. I love you… because you’re Asahi Nayuta, and you’re the most important person in the world to me.”
Nayuta’s grip on him tightened.
“You’re so sappy.” he muttered.
Ren laughed softly, feeling a tear drip down his face.
“I’m glad I fell in love with you, Nayuta-kun.”
He could hear Nayuta’s heartbeat, thumping steadily like a lullaby. Nothing else mattered in the moment, not when they were curled up in each other's arms like they were made for each other.
“...Yeah. Me too… Ren.”