Chapter Text
Humans tend to gather; it’s their nature. Isn’t it strange, then, how they choose to do so?
It’s the most fascinating phenomenon, the way connections are forged. Two people from different backgrounds and abysmally different personalities, one day meet and, suddenly, something inside themselves recognize each other as like-souled.
But that’s only the surface. In truth, those who end on good terms are alike on the inside, share more than anyone else—whereas views of the world or just their kindness within.
Whether they know it or not.
Year 844.-
Life is… quiet. Sometimes so quiet that Hange can’t help talking louder, to fill the void. Her mind is never in silence, though, but as noisy as her surroundings currently are.
Most of the Survey Corps are preparing for the next expedition, which is going to be a big one. They’re cleaning wagons, brushing the hundreds of horses, and loading enough provisions for a couple of days out.
Returning from outside, Hange meets a lot of activity, and the smell of hundreds of people running in the heat of the day. For her part, she’s sunstroke and her clothes dirty by the ground—she just had to look at those flower buds from close, no matter what!
Her veins are thrilling with excitement! So much that she wants to yell out loud how precious those flowers are, and explain in detail how she managed to make them grow. What a great help they’ll be to the Hospital Wing! Her experiments proved a success, as they shouldn’t be able to bloom in this kind of soil.
Vibrating with this knowledge, she approaches a group of two men and a woman resting in a corner. They are quiet and pensive, but stiffen instantly at the sight of her coming. When it’s clear that she is, indeed, routing to them, they look around in a panic.
“Hey!” Hange taps the shoulder of one of them, a tall brown-headed corp whose name, she struggles to recall. “How are y’all?!” They don’t answer, instead look somewhere behind her. “Mmm, I’ve been great, too! You can’t imagine what I just discovered, there are these—”
“Sairam! I was looking for you!” The brown-headed runs away, and the remaining two link their stares. Hange widens her eyes to them, in what she intends to be a hopeful gaze—one that ends up being ignored.
“Geez, I wanted to tell her something, too!”
“Wha—?! Wait for me!”
Hange watches them scurry and, in the split of a second, her smile wavers a little. Only a little and only for one second. Then, it spreads wider as she lays her back on the wall to scan the hall. She locates Nana’s blond hair at the other side and walks toward her with long strides. Nana always hears her out, even if by the end of Hange’s talk, she’s barely awake.
But a couple of steps from her friend, Hange comes to a halt. Nana is sitting on Gelgar’s lap, talking vividly to him while he looks away, in the direction of a group of grinning girls.
So they came back together again, ah? Hange thinks, and her shoulders deflate. Better not to intrude there.
At Nana’s left, Erwin stands straight, explaining something to Mike’s ears in front of a map. Mike nods with arms crossed to his chest, but every now and then he glances back and scowls at Gelgar’s obvious disregard. That, at least, is such a familiar view—as familiar as the faces of the other corps, when Hange comes closer to them. They are good people, truly. Hange knows it, and most of the time, they’re happy to see her. But when she’s so clearly trying to talk about one of her projects, everyone hurries to disappear from her path.
If only they could open their minds to the millions of possibilities out there, how amazing that’d be!
She could go and join Erwin’s lecture, but she has already heard it so many times. Even helped him by perfecting the details of the new formation he proposed.
Her enthusiasm has left her completely, therefore she sighs, moving through the barracks in search of new ideas to arise.
It isn’t a big deal, anyway, just a medicinal plant that could speed the healing process of the injured. Other ideas, bigger and far more interesting—the ones concerning walls and formations and weapons—wander through her head, but these are better saved to herself. After all, the times she’s shared them, the response hasn’t been that great, so they mustn’t be that outstanding, either. Not even worth a mention.
There isn’t a sound around, and the silence transforms into a force that presses her entire body.
This feeling in which her body feels so small it’s so common, that it doesn’t stand out enough to be called by name. The quietness that it carries is suffocating. Ever since being a child, it has been Hange’s faithful companion, thus she has never minded it—not when it crept to her chest as she studied alone in her childhood room; nor when she left that house to join the Survey Corps. And not even when she came back from her first mission, after all her first friends fell one by one like flies smashed in titan’s hands.
The air weights heavier, and her pulse races. It’s quiet, and this kind of silence is devoid of life. Hange takes the ribbon of the necklace that hangs from her neck, pulling it so much that it binds the skin of her nape. The end of the corridor she’s strolling down comes, along with two strange voices she doesn’t recognize.
Somehow, these voices drive the lull in her ears away, allowing her to breathe deeply. She supports herself on the wall, and the sound continues booming. Recovered, she hides behind a column and peeks out, curiosity compelling her to watch.
At a far corner, a man kneels in front of a girl.
“You should watch your feet more, idiot,” the man says, his voice acquiring a soft tone. Very different from the one he used at introducing himself, hours ago. Hange frowns… Levi, that’s the name. And the girl is Isabel, who joined the corps with him and another man, named… something with an F.
Levi pats Isabel’s feet with care.
“I do! The ground here feels so different, I ain’t used to it just yet!”
He shakes his head and jumps to his feet. “We should come back to Furlan, or he’ll start looking without us.”
Looking for what? Hange wonders and pushes her glasses up with a finger, but forgets about it as soon as the question reaches her. Her mind occupies itself with other things, like of that short man, who wears an upset look and uses cutting words.
She isn’t foreign to the gossips rolling around. He scared and pissed off her peers, and terribly so. Some even proceeded to save away their belonging, claiming that “those rats from the underground” came here to steal them.
Hange didn’t pay much attention—her experiment was at such a crucial moment!—but now that she thinks about it, it all seems a little exaggerated, and cruel. What if they come from that place? How is that relevant to state if they’re good or bad? More so, the image painted to her at the Mess Hall doesn’t align with what she just saw.
Levi seems nice, and so interesting! A little grumpy, yes, but not a criminal monster deserving of so many bad words. He is, at the very least, more than what meets the eye. And her favorite thing in the world is figuring stuff out.
When they are out of sight, she goes to the bunk she shares with Nana, the last one in a row of a dozen. Climbs to her bed—the one at the top—and starts packing, mind never drifting from Levi.
He looks like a good friend, and Erwin said he was a natural with the ODM gear, maybe he—
Her hands stop mid-action, and her stomach churns. He may be good, excellent perhaps, but neither he nor his friends hold proper training. If she’s learned something in her time here, is that even the best ones die. Death is beyond reason. Unpredictable. Titans, she mouths with hate permeating her words.
This expedition is going to be a decisive one for them, as the first one usually is. Hange has no personal reason to want them to make it out, but hopes still while finishing saving her uniforms in a bag.
And she keeps hoping still, as they free themselves from the walls and meet the fresh air of the field.
***
They stink. That was Levi’s first thought when he entered the hall where the Survey Corps are. His nose wrinkled at the odor they emanated from their nasty, sweaty bodies. The almost collapsed castle they’re staying in out of the walls also stinks, smelling old and humid.
Disgusting.
There are people all around, faces without a name that Levi doesn’t care enough to learn. He won’t stay for much time, anyway. No one offered sympathy or a welcoming word, but he doesn’t mind it at all. These pigs despise them and look down at them, so they aren’t worthy of his time. Even if they’re right, and he’s unsuitable to this place—Levi smooths his clothes and ignores the hot flashes that come with every minimizing stare—they’re still pricks for saying it. He isn’t deaf to their insults, but even in the underground he got disparaging looks, so it’s no matter. He just hopes Isabel won’t hear them.
At a far corner, a woman with short blond hair is yelling at a man with brown hair in a pompadour. He looks ridiculous, even more with his flushed cheeks as he yells back to the woman. Levi scowls. These corps also bring their drama to work.
Gross.
Very close to the fighters, that bastard sits. He’s reading some papers, and Levi wonders if they could be the ones they’re looking for, the ones they need to steal. Next to him sits a person with glasses, a messy ponytail, and a big smile spread over her face. She moves her hands from side to side while talking, like an over-energized child.
Levi returns his attention to the conversation with his friends, but suddenly the light disappears. He tilts his head up in confusion. And there she is, the four-eyes who just a minute ago was talking with Erwin, the light behind her contrasting and sharpening her thin silhouette. She came along with her big smile and shining eyes, mere inches away from his face.
What shocks him the most are her words.
“I was watching you… at the crucial moment!” Something dangerous to say, but she soon proves to not be talking about spying on their illicit activities. Rather, she’s… excited, and it’s because of him. Hange Zoe, she introduces herself. “It was really outstanding!”
She doesn’t seem to be potentially dangerous as of now. But she’s disruptive, nevertheless. Hange appeared right at his nose like personal space didn’t exist at all. She smelled funny—like earth and trees and nature—for a lack of a better word. As he looks at her eyes, he detects something that freezes his senses. In them, there is… nobility. Where Levi comes from, that kind of look isn’t seen frequently; not without its shades, and never as unadulterated as hers.
He composes himself in a blink, and tries to ignore the sugary words from her mouth.
Her smile never leaves. “I’d like to hear the secret of that strength…”
No. Engaging could bring a lot of unwanted stuff. Caring for these awful people isn’t his task here. Best to avoid unnecessary interactions altogether.
She leaves without prying more, but Levi can’t shake the feeling that she’s looking at them. Neither can he forget the openness of her stare. Levi closes his eyes and reminds himself of his mission. The papers, kill that bastard, get the hell out of here to never see these people again.
Protecting and keeping his friends from any harm, above all. Giving them a home far from that trash pit in the underground, the one they want so badly.
That’s all he desires.
***
It was just the first part of the expedition, but from what she saw, Levi isn’t a natural at vertical maneuvering. He is a prodigy. His body moves so fast and with so much precision and agility, that Hange couldn’t avoid getting mesmerized. She stopped and opened her mouth in delight, despite being among titans and the danger that comes with them.
He sliced napes as if he’d been doing it since birth, and his technique is something she’s never seen before. Hange can’t wait to see it again, to separate every little detail for further study and try to replicate it. If they learn from him, the possibility of freeing humanity seems closer.
But he wasn’t aware of that fact.
“It was incredible!! I boiled over with excitement in spite of myself!!” She exclaimed, containing all her enthusiasm in her eyes. Her gaze met his and he looked shocked at first. In his silver-blue iris she could make out an emotion stirring inside, but his eyes closed off as soon as she saw it, an uncomfortable face taking place.
She tried to talk more to him, of course, and even won her friend over with a treat. But more than flattered, he seemed bothered by her praises. What a weird person Levi is—yet fascinating, all the same. He self-taught himself, and speaks so roughly!
Hange doesn’t even realize everyone stood up from the table until Nana waves a hand in front of her eyes, and Hange blinks out of her thoughts.
“What are you into, now? You were far away from here.”
Hange exhales and her fingers start drumming on the rough surface of the table. She stares at the stone roof of the ruined castle they chose as a refuge. The night is here, and tomorrow will carry another day full of danger. She studies the further side of the hall, where Levi and his two friends sit, whispering, and wary of the others.
They’ll be fine, she tells herself. They already made it here, and successfully. They’ll come back alive.
She nods to herself and builds a smile to face Nana, whose eyes are red by how much she cried hours ago, after yet another fight with Gelgar.
Hange summons her good mood back. “I was wondering if my flower buds…”
At the back of her head, she isn’t that happy. More than ever, she hopes they’re the exception, and that they make it back alive.
No matter how many meals she has to invite them afterward.
***
There’s blood in his body. Covering his skin, dripping from his clothes. And it’s his, but also theirs. Titan’s blood evaporates, but it leaves a part of its filth behind. It only makes the real blood stand out more brightly, clearer in its statement.
It says it loudly, mocks him in its reddish shade.
And he answers in resignation: yes, he’s all alone again. Yes, even after all this time, people still leave to never glance back at him. It means that no matter how hard he tries, he can’t make people stay, can’t keep them safe. Everyone goes and leaves him alone—air is suddenly insufficient for his lungs.
Is he so bad, that he can’t keep even his best friends by his side?
Tiredness weights in every bone, every muscle. His mind is numb. Dead. He left his life in the field; his friends, his only family. There’s barely anything else of him.
His heart feels so heavy that he drops his gear and falls to the stone floor with a thud. Everyone else is inside, the noise of their talks floating to his ears, but he hardly makes sense of it, in the fog he’s into. The smell of death doesn’t disappear from his nostrils, and he absently wonders if it ever will. He isn’t even able to glance up at the night sky, as his neck aches. Not that he wants to, either way.
A pair of tired shoes appear in front of him, but Levi doesn’t really see them, too lost in his own head as he is. A very, very small part of him, though, acknowledges them, knows it’s her. For the smell—that somehow replaces the lifeless one in his nose—mainly, but also from something else his weary mind can’t stop to decipher. Like energy surrounding her entire being, bringing some kind of warmth along with her, wherever she goes.
Hange crushes right next to him, close enough that her shoulder meets his, close enough that her weird smell engulfs him and sweeps away the fog that was trapping him. She sighs, and moves her hands doing… something. He doesn’t see, but paper sounds later, she sets a piece of meat in his cold hands, and then a cup of tea clicks when placed on the ground in front of him.
“I heard you like it,” she says.
Levi commits to ignore her thoroughly. He wants her to go away and be left alone. The desire to insult her and tell her to piss off is here, but not the energy to speak.
At his silence, she talks again, as if he gave her tacit permission to continue.
“My first night after coming out was… horrible.” A beat. “I had just made these incredible friends. We were in the same squad, and so excited. They were amazing, with so much potential. They all scored much more than me. I don’t know why or how, but I was the only one who sur—vived.” Her words break almost at the end, and Levi’s gaze darts to her face.
Her eyes are closed, squeezed. Illuminated by the moonlight, her skin is kind of silver. As if not realizing her movements, her hand pulls and fidgets with a necklace around her neck. It’s a simple black cord with a bird charm stained by ink.
Hange continues. “I thought, there must be a reason, right?” She opens her eyes and turns to him, actually asking him.
He avoids her face and looks at his hands, which are almost white and feeling dull. The piece of meat they carry gives them heat, something to hold onto, and he stiffens his grip on it.
She doesn’t wait for an answer. “I didn’t find a reason. Now I think it’s just luck…” She raises her tone. “But luck is such an illogical concept, don’t you think?” Hange puts two fingers on her mouth and looks up. Bites her fingernail, eyes gaining a removed air. “Luck must not be it… what else, then? Mmm. Once I read an ancient book about destiny, except that’s also an unreliable theory. But what if there was a way to prove it? Wouldn’t that be awesome?”
Hange keeps talking and talking and talking to no end, about life, experiments, science…
Is she ever going to fucking shut up? He thinks while a pulse stabs his head, growing up a headache.
However, he occasionally finds himself looking at her like she’s the most abnormal thing he’s ever seen—which she probably is. Here and there he catches some of her words and, surprising himself, he takes the time to think about them. Why is he here, from all of them? Why did he live when they died? He rubs a hand over his face.
“They aren’t gone,” she blurts out, solemn. “It’s impossible. Nothing ever gets completely destroyed. They’re just somewhere else.”
Levi abruptly remembers why he’s here, filthy and chilled to the bone. The pressure in his chest grows, and with a hand he tightens the cloth over it to keep the pain from knocking him down. He wishes to find some relief in her words, in the idea of them not disappearing like that. But he can’t. The notion is too sweetened for his life.
He takes a sip of the now cold tea and stares up. The sky is the same it was yesterday; as bright, wide, and starry. It feels wrong, that there isn’t any visible change when everything has changed to no repair. Isabel and Furlan would have never got tired of this view. They should be the ones here, appreciating its never-ending beauty.
Next to him, Hange stirs to a better position and starts talking about something else. He lays his head onto the wall behind him, and closing his eyes, shuts off her words. Still, he keeps her murmur as a background, relaxing sound, in which he falls asleep.
***
Levi didn’t know at first sight, but there’s something wrong with Hange Zoe.
She’s annoying as hell. And grabby. And so, so loud. Levi scowls, seeing her from behind the rim of his cup of tea while she paces, rambling and gesturing with her hands.
“This place is BIG! We could be harvesting our own food if they would just listen for a full minute and—”
Ever since coming back from his first expedition, she’s been following him all around. And with all around, it means all. He still remembers how his heart stopped dead when, days ago, he got out of the bathroom to crash with her. She was waiting for him, a somewhat scary smile over her face. A shiver ran down his spine and he was tempted to run away. Only his strong will allowed him to remain still.
He wished he hadn’t, when she started going on about his peeing schedule.
Hange talks to him and smiles and sometimes even touches his arm. That’s the way she is, though—he realized, at observing her with the others. The difference is that he’s the only one never replying to any of her words. He just stays there, listening and calming his exasperated brain.
Levi has told her to fuck off, in a million different ways. Nothing works. Does she purposely ignore him, or is she really unaware of how hated her presence is? As he doesn’t have much more to do with his free time and she’s always near, he scrutinizes her. Tries to decipher her hidden intentions. He feels a little self-conscious because of that, but for his life, he can’t understand her. Why does she keep talking to him? How is it humanly possible to talk that much? Does she ever bathe?
All the same, no matter what he does, Hange appears to not care about his silence or bad faces. She keeps sharing her research on the earth, plants, and animals. Even asks for his wellbeing on a daily basis—why does she give a crap about that?
And she always, always, comes back, all twenty times he has stood up and left her mid-sentence, in hopes that she’ll get the clue. Of course that has never happened, so he has started expecting her rolling around.
He sips his tea and enjoys the savor for a few seconds, yet it soon gets tainted by bitterness. It’s not like he’s any special, actually. Hange is friendly with every single breathing being and talks to everyone as much as she can. Still, most of the time she chooses him, and that’s what Levi can’t fathom.
Why? What does she want from him? He doesn’t have anything she can take away. She must be looking for a way to harm him, but… how is asking about his favorite meal related to that? How is it going to affect him? Deep down he knows he’ll end up wounded, he just can’t pinpoint how, yet.
She finishes talking and sighs, cheeks flushed by her rant.
“Anyway, it’s lunchtime, we better get going…”
Hange strides to the Mess Hall, and Levi follows her at a secure distance. He takes his food and finds an empty table to sit at. For her part, Hange approaches Mike—a big, scruffy man who looks like a bear and sniffs at people (the first time he did it to Levi, he almost punched that big nose). She puts an arm on the Bear’s shoulders and laughs widely, her eyes dancing through the room… until they connect with Levi’s.
He turns his head instantly. Focuses on his meal.
But alas, it’s too late.
She lands next to him and places her elbows on the table.
“Can I bring Mike, Nana, and Erwin to our table?” Our table? What the—? “They’re good guys!” She puts a hand on her chest and raises the other one, “I swear. So…?”
“No.”
He’s been silent all day long, but she isn’t surprised at hearing his voice, now. Instead, her smile grows bigger, as if she expected that answer from the very beginning.
“C’mon! We’re here alone, with so much space, and they want to know you!”
“Why?”
“Mmm… clearly because you’re gentle!”
Levi almost chokes with her words. He would have thought she was joking if not for the unwavering of her face. How can she think that, for real?!
“I’m not gentle,” he hisses. Stabs his rice with a fork, as if to prove it.
Hange grins and stands up. “I’ll take that as a yes.” And she just goes away.
He carves his forehead, blending the food in his plate with the fork. Hange Zoe will kill him one day. He’s sure of it.
Voices arise, louder and louder with every passing second. He’s surrounded. His shoulders tense up when he finds himself trapped between noisiness and bodies. Hange takes the same spot next to him and dedicates him a smile. His answer is a deeper scowl, so deep that the muscles of his face complain and start aching.
Erwin sits in front of him with a fun expression, putting his half-empty plate on the table. The blondie girl—Nanaba, he guesses—sits at the other side of Levi; the sniffer bear, at Erwin’s left.
They don’t look any uncomfortable, as if shifting their table in the middle of a meal was the usual.
Hange, ignoring the angry waves Levi’s sending in her direction, makes sure to keep the conversation going, never losing her warmth. Blondie occasionally gives Levi an apologetic smile, but otherwise, they talk as if he wasn’t there, which is a relief.
“Oh, Levi! I didn’t tell you before, but Nana is especially good at making tea, maybe you can drink hers someday, and…”
Levi internally groans and crosses his arms, waiting for them to go so he can eat his now cold food alone. His posture remains rigid, but he stays there, unmoving even when the others finish eating and start leaving.
“I’ll check the garden really quick, but I’ll be back soon!” Hange exclaims, waving him goodbye.
As if I cared whenever you come and go. Levi exhales and massages his temples.
“How have you adjusted to the barracks?” Erwin asks. He has finished eating but isn’t making any move to leave. In fact, he reclines on the chair, relaxed.
Levi shrugs. The Survey Corps are what he expected. They don’t talk to him, and he pays them doing the same. It’s peaceful like that—when Hange is busy with her research, at the very least.
What he didn’t expect was to see that the majority of the corps think like Erwin. They do believe in dedicating their hearts and their everything to save humanity from the titans. Even when he dislikes them, Levi can’t avoid the tug in his chest at their conviction. He too wants to do his best, following that ideal.
“I see you’re doing well. Hange… she’s one of a kind, isn’t she?” A smile dangles at the corner of Erwin’s lips.
One of a kind? Yeah, you could say that—but Levi would never do so with the hint of affection present in Erwin’s voice. One of a kind in a bad way, he concludes.
“You two seem to be pretty close?” Erwin questions. Takes a sip from his glass, eyeing Levi sideways at the same time.
Levi’s stomach hardens and he lifts an eyebrow, glaring at the man in front of him. Truly, he’s at a loss for words. How can these people misread him so damn wrong?
Erwin explains. “Every time I see you, you two are together. I’m glad that you have made friends here, and so fast.”
“She pesters me all day long, better said.” Levi takes his spoon and tastes the soup. It’s cold and salty, but slides down his body smoothly. Not the worst he’s eaten.
“You can always ask her to stop talking to you if you hate it so much.”
“Already done that.”
“Surely you weren’t that clear.”
“Tsk.” Levi glances up from his plate. Erwin’s gaze is firm on him, frowning. Levi wants to tell him that blatantly stating it would be too harsh, even for him, but ends up saying nothing. He can’t shake the sensation that Erwin is seeing something he doesn’t want him to—and worst, he doesn’t even know what that something is.
Erwin finally drops his gaze and tilts his head to the side, his tone casual. “You wouldn’t be the first one to say it to her face, nor the last one. So, feel free to do it, she’ll understand and will be fine. Eventually.”
The last word makes Levi’s neck straighten. By the way Erwin said it, he implied that Hange hasn’t been immediately fine before, and that suits Levi in a bad way. It just feels wrong, to imagine that face of her anything but fine and happy—and being the reason for it.
She isn’t as bad as to wish hurt in her eyes.
A single question sits in his head. It has been lingering and torturing him to no avail, and he doesn’t have it in him to keep it inside for much longer. He utters it harshly. “What does she want from me?”
He can’t understand and it’s killing him slowly. He never considered himself a paranoid person until she appeared and started acting so amiable, without reason. Everyone has an aim behind their actions, is thriving to get something for themselves. Is it money? He has none. That secret trick she wanted to know, the one to get better? He doesn’t know it and already told her so. What, then? He almost breaks his façade and pulls his hair out in exasperation.
“Want from you? What do you mean?” Erwin scratches his forehead when it gets obvious that Levi won’t elaborate. “Well, why don’t you ask her? Hange is the most honest person I’ve ever met. If you ask her, she’ll tell you. But”—Erwin leans in—“I can tell you that she’s a good person. More than most of us here, if not all.”
Levi thinks about it, a tingling bothering the skin of his nape. It’s not like it hasn’t crossed his mind, the possibility of her just being kind. But how could that be possible? No, there must be something else he’s missing. Maybe some of his underground enemies found about his whereabouts and are paying her to spy on him… Fine, that may be too unrealistic.
It doesn’t take long for her to come back, face reddish and sweaty after being outside. Her butt settles next to Levi and she empties Erwin’s glass in one gulp.
Erwin stands up. “Hange, I have to talk with you later. Come to my room in the afternoon.”
“… Sure. I’ll go later!” Hange says. A wrinkle appears between her eyebrows when Erwin is out of reach. “What does he have to say?” she mutters under her breath, more to herself than to Levi. He clears his throat to call her attention. “Oh, sorry. You were saying?”
With her right next to him, the question tastes weird—too awkward to let out. And yet…
“What do you want from me?”
“Uh?” She moves her head around. He only shifts on his seat. “Want… from… you,” she repeats, trying to make sense of it. Levi remains silent, waiting for her to figure it out. After a minute, her face showers in understanding. “I want to be your friend. What else could I want?”
He meets her gaze, searching for anything that could give her away, show the lie within. But he finds nothing of that. Her eyes are round behind her glasses, open and sincere.
She means it.
Could that be true? Could she really be just… kind?
… she’s a good person. More than most of us here, if not all, Erwin’s voice resounds in Levi’s head.
Weeks ago, he decided to follow Erwin and trust his view, to chase the same purpose. Maybe he should trust him with this, too.
After all, Hange may not be that bad.
***
Erwin’s words don’t leave Hange’s mind, as much as she wants to forget them.
You’ll never see the fruits, if you only bring the seeds to not let them grow.
Always count on Erwin to say the kind of analogy perfect to resonate to her very core. It’s not like she wants to stop anything from growing. Her ideas and research—the discoveries that come from them—are her precious babies. Of course she wants them to succeed, to let them be helpful to humanity. It isn’t that simple, though.
“It’s a good chance,” Erwin said from his desk when she hurried to his room, a couple of days ago. He shot her a look that was, quite obviously, meant to persuade her. “If they approve, we could take a step closer into this fight.”
If they approve. If her ideas are good enough for that. If those very ideas don’t force them to step further from victory.
A rough and loathing voice echoed in her ears.
I doubt these ideas could take anyone anywhere but their grave.
Hange hadn’t heard it in years, but would never forget it. The words traveled through her body like a virulent shiver, making her throat close itself in a tight knot. For a moment, she only wanted to run away, to never have come to Erwin’s room. Instead of that, she squared her shoulders and got rid of the words, the voice, and their meaning as much as she was able to.
“They wouldn’t,” she limited to say, sitting on Erwin’s bed. She folded her arms onto her chest, secure of, at least, her proclamation.
“We have to keep trying.”
“How did you even manage to convince them to hear me out?”
Hange never expected to encounter another chance. The memory from the last time she yielded and went with him to Mitras still stings. The look from everyone there, how they practically laughed at her proposition, their words like knives shredding her already raw heart…
Erwin must have moved many pieces, for them to be open to a second round. She certainly wasn’t.
Erwin smirked. “Commander owed me a favor.”
“Oh no, you didn’t gamble with Shadis while drunk again, right?” She gasped at his silence. “Right?”
His blue eyes shined, but he returned to a serious tone almost immediately. “This time, we can say it in a way they’ll be willing to accept.”
She shook her head. “It’s better if you go alone and propose it yourself.”
“It’s your idea, not mine.”
It is. Hange pinched her lips together. And if it ends up being a bad one, I’d be forever regretful at making Erwin take the blame.
Her ideas are great. Hange knows that and wants to prove it.
But… her stomach twisted against herself. She closed her eyes and inhaled. “I don’t think I’ll have time that day,” she breathed out.
Erwin studied her for a minute. “Alright,” he complied, slowly. “In case you change your mind, a spot for you will be free in the carriage until I leave.” His gaze met hers, firm and sure. “You’ll never see the fruits, if you only bring the seeds to not let them grow.”
She nodded and fled from the room, legs trembling.
Erwin left an hour ago, and she didn’t go with him. Which instead of getting a weight off of her shoulders, only made them heavier. Almost unbearable.
“Is a poop stuck in you?”
It takes her a moment to resurface from her mind’s coil, and build an answer to Levi, who stands under the spice cupboard upon the wall.
“I never have that kind of problem, thank you very much.” She must have been acting weirdly (more than usual) for Levi to ask that—the first time he does, that she can tell. Hange still can’t tear her mind from the carriage traveling to the capital, featuring a cold, empty seat placed for her, when she says, “We should go out.”
A storm is hitting branches against the barracks’ walls and windows, the wind whistling with violence. Through the kitchen’s window she can see the black clouds swirling, darkening the sky regardless of the early hour.
Levi, who has been scrubbing a stain from the table for the last minutes, arches a brow. He’s, after all, a man of few words, even when he’s started speaking lately, and scowling a little less deeply. She quickly interprets his gesture as a “why the hell would I want to go out, with so many good stains to clean?” or “are you so blind that you don’t see the sky falling out of the window?”—maybe with harsher words, but she senses the point, nonetheless.
Honestly, the corps would stop calling her weird if they knew Levi better.
Not that they want to, unfortunately.
Hange sighs and lays her cheek onto the cold, wood table—which in her opinion, is already clean enough. A lemony aroma floats to her nose and she smiles; somehow, Levi always smells like this, and seems to leave this very scent everywhere. Although that may have something to do with him cleaning everything he lands his eyes on.
She’s oh-so-bored, and it’s raining outside, so no gardening to ease her mind. She could go looking for Nana, or perhaps—
“THAT RAT MUST BE THE ONE WHO STOLE IT!” a female voice yells from out of the kitchen. Hange’s body tenses up.
A man’s voice leaks inside. “Yes! I knew it the moment he arrived! He smelled like filth.”
She sees Levi’s muscles contracting, sees him using more force than necessary to rub the now perfectly smooth table, the wince he tried to conceal. She sees it and it sends fire through her veins.
Eyes bulging to the exit, Hange jumps to her feet and stomps to the source of such odious claims. She makes a move to storm out, but when the door is merely an inch opened, Levi shoves it closed in her face with a bang. His palm outstretches on the door’s surface, pushing and forcing it to remain sealed.
“Why—?”
“What are you doing?” He snaps.
Excellent question. What was she about to do?
“I was just going to talk to them,” she says through her teeth, glaring still. Maybe some fists and blood would follow up, but she can’t predict those kinds of things.
“About?” The tone reveals nothing, his neutral features flawlessly into place.
“How they shouldn’t spread lies like that!” She emphasizes it with a kick to the floor.
Levi blinks rapidly once, twice. Thrice. It’s the only indicator of his inside. “How do you know it’s a lie?”
Hange scraps a hand over her face, tapping her foot onto the floor. “I just do.”
Every second he doesn’t let her open the door, the less likely to find the ones who said those hateful comments. He probably knows it.
“It’s none of your business.”
If possible, that only makes the flames in her body burn more fiercely.
“Of course it is! You’re my friend! No one likes hearing shit about their friends!”
He stiffens and turns his back to her, remaining immobile for a while. Hange scratches her neck, which was sweaty by her outburst, but feeling cooler now. Did she say something wrong?
“Let’s go out,” he suddenly says.
She knows it’s something to avert her attention, to prevent her from getting into a fight. Yet it’s the first time Levi agrees to do something with her (last times she didn’t exactly ask, and he didn’t exactly agree).
The people outside must be gone anyway, and she can always find them later to chat about spreading unsubstantiated rumors. The man sounded a lot like Flagon, who she can call in a few hours.
For the time being, she takes a breath to calm herself and smiles for real, stopping her body from bouncing up and down in excitement.
“Where should we go?!”