Chapter Text
Ecstatic that he had officially found the best chicken burger ever tasted, Bruce strolled into the lab to find Tony huddled in a corner, his knees drawn up to his chest, his eyes wide and unblinking.
Bruce barely had time to choke on his mouthful of chicken burger when Tony immediately quelled his fears: “I’m about to turn forty-five and my girlfriend is twenty-one.”
Bruce swallowed, the panic dully ebbing its way out of his system. “Oh… Do you want your burger or not? Because I could totally eat it. Scratch that, I’m eating it, I’ve made my decision.”
“I’m freaking out, dude.”
“Girlfriend, huh?” Bruce queried.
Tony rolled his eyes. “I’m sorry, is light mocking meant to help me?”
“I think your girlfriend is aware that you’re older than her. She can just Google it, like the rest of us.” Bruce sat down in an office chair, pulling the cardboard takeaway box from his bag. “Okay, going once, going twice, I’m eating this.”
“She’s too nice,” Tony said, closing his eyes.
Bruce chewed. “I thought that was why you liked her.”
“I don’t recall.”
“Tony...”
“I know, sorry, I just.” Tony buried his face in his hands. “Jesus. She’s never seriously dated anybody else, ever. Meanwhile, I’m waiting for her to realise that she can do better and then, bam, she’s gone.”
“Thank God you’re not the Hulk,” Bruce mused. “You would Hulk out like fifty times a day. Do you have a therapist?”
“Are you seriously eating my burger right now? After all that I’m going through?”
Bruce sighed, sliding onto the floor and nudging Tony with the half-eaten contents of the burger box. “Take a deep breath. She’s not, like, unaware that you’re in your forties, okay?”
“You ate all the fries too.”
“Dude.” Bruce rested on his haunches, watching his friend. “You’re not as bad as you think you are. Get up off the floor, go for a walk. Text your nice girlfriend. And if you disagree with me, I’m eating the rest of that.”
“That’s it,” Piper said, slapping her palms down on Gwen’s desk. “I can’t do this. I’m tapping out.”
“It’s not as bad as you think,” Gwen said, squinting at her laptop screen.
“It’s exactly as bad as I think,” Piper announced, anxiously pacing around Dr. Connors’ lab. “It might be worse.”
It had all started with Aunt May, she thought wildly. It was all Aunt May’s fault.
“Pipes, I love you to death,” Gwen said tiredly, “but you’re freaking out over nothing.”
Piper stomped back to Gwen’s desk, which was covered in a number of Gwen-like things. Two half empty coffee cups, one of which was a Stark Industries mug; a stack of textbooks and files on genetic mutation; a stack of multicoloured Post-It notes, a brown leather pencil case that held only 2B pencils (Gwen thought HB was too light), a three-quarters full container of pad thai and a MacBook Air case that displayed a train line that only stopped at places like Hogwarts and Rivendell.
Piper picked up the pad thai and started shoveling it into her mouth.
“Hey!”
“I’m having a moment, let me eat this,” Piper said through a mouthful of food.
“You have fought a giant robot bird man,” Gwen said accusingly, putting her head in her hands. “This is not that bad. Now give me back my food.”
Piper swallowed, her stomach dancing. “You’re right,” she said uncertainly. “It’s fine, isn’t it? I’m just being a dork, right?”
“Absolutely,” Gwen said soothingly. Piper nodded and looked back at the Google search.
“Nope,” she said firmly, smacking the desk again, which shook violently. Gwen grabbed at her laptop to keep it from falling.
“Please keep the super strength to a minimum!” Gwen exclaimed.
“I’m sorry,” Piper said, slumping into an office chair. She covered her face with her hands, breathing slowly and deeply. “It’s just – I’ve been trying not to think about it.”
And by trying not to think about it, it ended up being what she thought about most of the time.
She couldn’t just forget what Aunt May had said, so casually and offhandedly that it made Piper want to huddle under a blanket and forget about the world. She had just been walking out the door to visit Gwen on her lunch break, when May had called out from the couch –
“Are you using protection?”
Piper had nearly choked on her own spit. She gripped the straps of her backpack, gaping at her aunt.
“May, I’m not – you can’t just ask me that, with no warning –”
“I know, I know,” Aunt May said, rolling her eyes, “but this is Tony Stark we’re talking about.”
“I’m just going to see Gwen!” Piper yelped. And that was true. However, there may have been a few times where, despite what she told May, she hadn’t gone to see Gwen…
Judging from the look on her aunt’s face, May was completely aware of this.
“Look, I know I’m the frumpy old woman who shouldn’t know anything about sex –”
“I need to die,” Piper murmured to herself, a knot of anxiety whirling through her stomach.
“– but that man has had more sexual partners than I’ve had hot dinners.”
“Oh Jesus – we have hot dinners, like, all of the time,” Piper said weakly, pained.
“That’s what I’m saying,” Aunt May said emphatically. “He’s probably carrying at least seventy different STDs.”
“I don’t think there’s that many,” Piper murmured. “But I don’t know enough about the subject to dispute it –”
“He’s probably invented new ones,” Aunt May shrugged.
“Stop,” Piper begged, feeling her knees go weak and she toppled to the floor. “Please stop.”
“Okay, I get it, you’re traumatized now,” May scoffed, turning back to the TV. “I just think you should ask him before you do anything – if you haven’t done anything yet, which you can always talk to me about if you need to –”
“I’m tapping out!” Piper yelled from the floor, desperately trying to roll away from the conversation.
And that was how she had ended up at poor Gwen’s office, typing Tony stark women into Google. And… the results weren’t exactly minor…
“That’s definitely Madonna,” Piper said, pointing to one image. “He’s making out with Madonna.”
“It was the mid-90s, everyone was making out with Madonna.” Gwen squinted. “Or maybe everyone was making out with Tony –”
“Gwen, so help me, I will stress-eat all of your pad thai –”
“Aw, look at this one!” Gwen gasped, clicking on an image to enlarge it. “He’s like twelve and got a little gap between his front teeth. He must’ve had braces. I’m looking it up.”
“Don’t try and distract me with his adorableness,” Piper snapped. “I’m not – awww, he totally did have braces. That’s adorable. Go back to the original search now, I’m not done freaking out.”
“I don’t get what you’re jealous of,” Gwen said, frowning at Piper.
“They’re, like, totally sophisticated, hella sexy ladies.” Piper squeezed her eyes shut. “Like Pepper Potts.”
“What’s so great about Pepper?” Gwen frowned.
“Well, she essentially runs his company now, and she’s really nice but also a professional and her hair is always perfect –”
“And you’re a superhero. Okay, but, being real,” Gwen said, scrolling through the images, “not all of these chicks are Pepper. What’s so amazing about them?”
Piper pointed. “That girl’s boobs are totally defying gravity.”
“Because they’re fake.”
“Don’t be mean –”
“What?” Gwen smirked. “Your boyfriend was a bit of a man-whore.”
“Well, that’s the problem!” Piper stuttered.
Gwen frowned.
“Not the – like, I’m not bothered by all the girls –” Piper sighed, trying to think of a way to phrase it. “I just – he’s been having women throw themselves at him since he was probably, like, sixteen –”
“You think he’ll cheat?” Gwen looked outraged. “Because if he does, I will bury him –”
“No, that’s not –”
“– so far in the ground that –”
Piper stopped, letting Gwen roll off on her tangent of how if Tony ever hurt Piper, she would find a way to kill him no matter how many titanium alloy suits he had to protect him.
She couldn’t say it to Gwen. She’d feel so stupid if she did.
Her phone vibrated and she dug it out of her jacket pocket.
Did you eat my ice cream? Because you so owe me a favor. And more ice cream. By the way I kinda/semi/totally miss you, but just like a lil bit. So maybe come over if you want to, pretty please?
Her stomach leapt. She texted back.
Would love to, but I can’t tonight – have to help Gwen with work. Also I ate the ice cream because u previously owed me for eating all the cheesy pretzels.
Relenting a little bit, she texted, Tomorrow night though? She thought about adding a smiley face, or a kiss, or –
She pressed send. She swallowed, waiting for him to text back that no, that wasn’t okay, why couldn’t she be more like Madonna and –?
Her phone vibrated and she hastily checked.
Have to take Rhodey for drinks tomorrow night but I can leave early? Like 8 at the tower? PS ok well bring more ice cream and maybe some cheesy pretzels and I will owe you even more favors. Win / win situation. Sound good? xx
Her stomach wriggled. Bruce would be there. Bruce was always there. They wouldn’t be unsupervised. She wouldn’t have to make a fool of herself just yet.
Ok, sounds great, see you then, she wrote back.
She glanced back at Gwen, who was still concocting her murder plot. She tried not to think of Madonna.
“So, you’re not freaking out about being on the wrong side of forty?” Rhodey asked, raising his voice to be heard over the loud music.
“No,” Tony said, trying to seem surprised, by now on his forth drink within the hour. This was partly true; his problems didn’t seem that bad when he drank.
Rhodey’s face, staring unblinkingly from the other side of the booth, was stone. “Who is she?” he asked, not fooled.
“There’s no she,” Tony scoffed, keeping his game face on.
“You just turned down two twins who seemed very eager to sit in your lap –”
“Okay, technically, while we’re on the subject, it’s just twins, not two twins, because twins already –”
“Dare I ask how old she is?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Tony said, shrugging.
“Just tell me.”
“No.”
“Tell me.”
“I will not.”
“You know you’ll tell me, either now or later –”
“Twenty-one.”
Rhodey whistled, gesturing to the waitress to bring them another round.
“No,” Tony insisted, “it’s not like the other ones – it’s different –”
“Is she gonna be attending your birthday party?” Rhodey asked. “Do I have to deal with some leggy blonde asking me who I am, how I know you, do I know you well, do I think you like her –?”
“No, she won’t be there,” Tony lied, finishing his drink. “We’re trying to keep it quiet. She – thinks it’s unprofessional. It is unprofessional. I’m kind of her boss.”
Rhodey raised his eyebrows. “Hot, but I’m judging you.”
“Not in a creepy way.”
“Because it’s not creepy for a man in his forties to be dating a twenty-one year old.”
“It’s complicated,” Tony said shortly.
“Is she a superhero? Is it Scarlet Witch?”
“I need this conversation to end.”
Rhodey was shaking his head. “I hate you so much.”
Tony checked his watch. Seven thirty. “Hey, so I might have to finish up here pretty soon and –”
“No, no, no,” Rhodey exclaimed as their drinks came. “You are not blowing me off for the twenty-one year old, I don’t care how blonde and leggy she is.”
Tony sighed, running a hand through his hair. “One more drink,” he relented.
“Two more drinks,” Rhodey agreed, raising his glass in a salute.