Archive of Our Own

Everyone around him fell in love - his friends, classmates, even his mother found her love again. Everyone was in love, but not him.

It wasn't that he was unattractive or had a terrible character, quite the opposite. Every day he was surrounded by many people, girls or boys, asking for his number or inviting him for coffee during a long break. Rather, it was him, he was uninterested.

Beomgyu believed in destiny and doubted that the person who suddenly approached him and asked for his number was this love. He just wanted it all to be special, like those silly romances he watched every Friday night with his mother.

Don't get him wrong, he is not picky at all, just everyone around him fell in love in a 'special way'. For example, his mother, whose first love in life - his father - saved her from an obsessive, drunken old man, or her second love, who at first was only her doctor.

His best friend Soobin, who fell for the love of his life by accident at the cafe where he works on weekends. Even his older brother found his love in his childhood friend. All those closest to him had their sweet, romantic script like out of shoddy American movies.

And he, among all those lovers, was alone - twenty-two-year-old Choi Beomgyu who had never fallen in love.

He wanted to experience this 'stupid love' with someone special. Become in love, ignore the problems that deepen him. He wanted to close his eyes to the surrounding reality, to be blinded by love every day. He wanted to share his small, cool apartment with another person by his side. During the day, look out through the large windows at the city skyline, and in the evening, drink wine on the balcony, watching the stars slowly decorate the sky. He dreamed that there would be a second person who would let him rest his head on their shoulder. On weekends - getting drunk by cheap drinks, dancing in the middle of the street, and then falling asleep in an embrace.

Yes, he could do the same with his friends, but his friends are busier with their significant other.

His apartment was no longer filled with laughter, screams, and music, but only silence to which he was not used to. His meetings with friends began to be kept to a minimum, and even with his mother, with whom he spent every Friday night. Lonely weekends in his apartment began to depress him.

"Hi!" his friend's loud growl made him shiver. He gave him an apologetic smile, resting his face on his hand. "You spaced out again. What were you thinking so hard about?"

"Sorry, Soobin. I just remembered that next week I have an important exam. Seriously, I haven't got my head for anything lately," a lie. He got up from the floor, sitting next to his friend. "Can you repeat what you said?"

"I asked what I should wear on a date with Yeonjun, you fool," Soobin snorted, ruffling his friend's dark hair. "So should I wear something more basic or something more elegant? He doesn't want to tell me where he's going to take me, and I don't want to look too normal when it turns out he's taking me to some elegant restaurant or wearing a white shirt to go-kart races. "

"Just dress like you always do. He probably won't care what you look like anyway."

"You didn't help me at all."

"God. So just ask him what he's going to wear and dress alike, I don't know anything, hyung!"

"Damn, you don't seem to be in the mood today."

"You're just asking stupid questions," Beomgyu snorted, slapping his friend on the shoulder with his fist. "Stupid and obvious. I didn't think dating could be that hard."

Soobin chuckled softly under his breath, wrapping his arm around him. He pulled him along so that they were now lying side by side, staring up at the ceiling. "Dating itself is not hard. But planning whether even the stupidity of choosing the right clothes or styling a hairstyle is already difficult."

Beomgyu just rolled his eyes, turning his head towards the wall. He began to play with his fingers nervously, thinking again. The stupid conversation about a date made him feel frustrated. He wanted to understand what his friend was saying, he wanted to feel the same, but he just didn't understand it. Maybe he was too stupid for love?

"When are you going on this date?"

"This Saturday," Soobin replied. Beomgyu, hearing that, turned his head quickly towards his friend, looking at him confused. "What?"

"Hyung! We were going to go to the cinema together for the Ghostbustersth on Saturday!"

"What? I was sure it would be in two weeks," Soobin said in surprise, looking at his friend who quickly rose from the bed. "Beomgyu, I swear I was sure it was supposed to be next Saturday!"

"Really hyung? How could you have forgotten? It was only a week ago that we were both jumping and crying as if we didn't get the tickets. How?

"I'm so sorry. I fucked up again."

"Yes, you did!" he shouted indignantly, putting his backpack on his shoulder. He closed his eyes, breathing deeply to calm himself. "It's okay. I still haven't bought the tickets, they're probably sold out already," he lied, again. It's not like he bought two tickets from his savings on the very first day they announced a film in theaters. "Anyway, I have to go. I can't fail another stats exam. Have a nice Saturday, hyung."

And he went out, and as he was walking he couldn't hold back his tears because he felt alone again.

•

It was Saturday night. He was standing in front of the mirror in his room, staring at his reflection. He was dressed in denim pants and a beige sweater. The small room was illuminated only by a lamp on the desk and scented candles on the dresser.

In an hour and a half, the film that Beomgyu is going to go to will start. He just can't miss this opportunity, he has to be there with or without Soobin. There was only one problem - he did not want to go there alone. He pulled on a gray coat, staring at his reflection one last time.

What's so hard about choosing what to wear for going out? After all, it's easy to put on at least your favorite clothes and just go out. Is it a date or just a getaway, what's the difference? Beomgyu did not understand.

"Are you getting ready?" asked his mother through the half-open door, already dressed in a jacket. Unexpectedly, she had come to see him an hour ago to bring him the cake she had baked. He smiled gently at her, nodding. Maybe she will want to come with me, he thought. "You want me to give you a drive to Soobin? I'll be going in the same direction."

"No, you don't have to, Mom," he said, starting to fidget with his fingers. He was about to ask her if she would like to go with him when she said, "If you say so. I'm going to dinner with Yeonjae in two hours, I'll be on my way too."

She's already taken too.

Beomgy took a deep breath, he wanted to cry again ...

"Everything's right?"

"Yes, nothing to worry about, Mom," he replied quickly. "I'm going, when you leave, close the door."

The woman stared at her son for a moment longer, trying to read his emotions, before Beomgyu wanted to go by her in the aisle. "Wait. Put your hat and scarf on, it gets really chilly at night."

An hour later he was there. There were many groups of friends, families with children, and couples around. Looking at their broad smiles on their faces, hearing their laughter, he felt jealous. A year ago he would have had no problem going to any public place himself, but now, standing in the line for popcorn, he felt that everyone gathered here was looking at him, talking about him.

Where is this extroverted Beomgyu from a few months ago? Why must everyone around him be happy except for him, and above all, why does he no longer know how to enjoy the happiness of his loved ones as he used to? Thoughts meant that at certain moments he could not focus on the screening.

He was sensitive to everything, he even cried, he himself was not sure whether it was because the film ended or because a stranger who was sitting two places next to him proposed to his beloved, and she said it symbolically ‘yes’.

When he was outside in front of the movie theater, his cheeks were red. With trembling hands, he took the phone out of his coat pocket, searching for his older brother's number. He wasn't going to be home alone this late, freezing from the cold.

"Beomgyu?" He looked up from the phone screen, hearing a slightly hoarse male voice. "What are you doing here? It's quite late."

It was his neighbor who had moved into the apartment next door a few months ago. Beomgyu didn't know him very well (even though he wanted to). Sometimes they passed each other on the staircase saying a quick "hello" to each other, or when they were standing at the same bus stop, they talked briefly about the weather or the neighbors upstairs.

He was a busy man, not having too much time. He also looked serious for his young age. He is a year younger, a medical student. He was not a problematic neighbor (unlike Beomgyu until a few months ago).

"Oh, hello," Beomgyu replied, locking the phone. "I was on..."

"Ghostbusters?" he finished, pointing his finger at the cinema building. Beomgyu nodded, hiding his cool hands in his pockets. "Amazing taste in the movie."

"And you?" he asked confused, looking the blond straight in the eyes.

"Me? I had a date," the boy sighed, biting his lower lip. "But Ghostbusters wasn’t the best choice after all. I don't think she liked it."

"I'm so sorry."

"You don't have to," Taehyun chuckled softly. "If she doesn't like Ghostbusters, I don't think she was the right person," he replied playfully, making Beomgyu laugh for the first time today.

"Right, how can people  not like ghostbusters?"

"I have no idea. Shame on everyone who dislikes or missed it," Beomgyu nodded, keeping his head down. There was a moment of silence between them as they both listened to the sounds of the city center.

Beomgyu really wanted to get to know him better, but every time he wanted to offer him a meeting, Taehyun said goodbye to him, explaining that he was in a hurry. Each time, he thought that maybe the younger boy just didn't like him. Well, their first meeting was not perfect (Beomgyu wished so far that he had to have a party with his friends in his apartment that day).

    He ran into his apartment, letting a shapely blonde and a tall brunette in front of him. Wasting no time to close the door, he took off his shoes carelessly, throwing them to the corner of the small hall where there was only a mirror and a hanger. He quickly entered the living room connected to the kitchen, placing plastic bags filled with packets of chips and bottles of white wine on the counter. When he was unfolding everything, his friends had already played quite loud music while singing. Beomgyu laughed out loud, hearing the brunette's voice break as he tried to sing a high note with Madonna. Without waiting for his friends, he drank a decent sip of wine from the bottle.

"Beomgyu, come to us!" Minjeong yelled as she ran to him and hung from his neck. She pulled him towards the couch where they then stood, shouting the words of their debut song from Weezer. In between the chorus they sipped white wine, making their throats burn even more.

It was their little Saturday routine, where each afternoon after work they had a small party together (or maybe more karaoke). Beomgyu loved spending time with them, it was the only day he wasn't stressed about his studies.

He sat down on the couch, feeling how slowly he started to feel dizzy from drinking alcohol. He hated how weak his head was for alcohol. He rested his head on his hand, watching the two friends who were still dancing and singing on the furniture, laughing now and then at the jokes they exchanged. Beomgyu was a rather loud type of person in the group, but on that day he was exceptionally different from the two, listening to their discussions, sometimes interfering.

He was about to take the last sip from an almost empty bottle when there was a loud knock on the door around the apartment.

"Uh-huh, music disturbing the neighbor again?" Soobin laughed, stepping off the green couch to go over to the radio and turn it down. "This bitch literally makes noise every other day, not letting you study normally, but on the weekend she is suddenly a perfect neighbor."

"Didn't you know a woman is fickle?" the girl snorted, throwing a pillow at Soobin.

Beomgyu slowly rose from the couch, watching the time on the clock that hung on the beige wall. It wasn't late enough for any of his neighbors to pick on him for loud music, especially on Saturday. He staggered to the front door, opening it.

He was embarrassed to see an unknown boy standing at his doorstep. The man was slightly shorter than him, dressed in denim pants and a loose white T-shirt. Blonde hair fell over his forehead and gently covered his big, dark eyes. Even though Beomgyu couldn't quite see them, he felt there was anger inside them. He swallowed, feeling the boy burn a hole in his face.

"I really wouldn't want to destroy your party, but two hours ago I moved in here and I'm tired of all this stuff," his voice was soft, even though his eyes clearly showed tiredness and nervousness, "I have to admit you have a really good musical taste, however, I would have a huge request for you to you turn the music down just a little bit. "

"Right, sorry. If I had known someone new was moving in, it wouldn't have happened, really," he began to explain, trying to hide an (almost empty) bottle of wine behind his body. "I didn't think it was so loud."

"You don't have to explain to me," the boy laughed softly, putting his hands in his pants pockets. "Anyway, it would be nice if it was quieter. Have fun, neighbor."

And then he entered the apartment next door, without Beomgyu even realizing that he was following him with his eyes. He was attractive, and even very much. He comes back into the apartment, sitting on the couch next to his friends and covering his face red from alcohol (or embarrassment) with the pillow.

"And what? It was that bitch under twenty-eight? Did you tell her to get the fuck off?" Soobin asked as Minjeong lowered the music even more.

"No, it wasn't her. It was a boy from twenty-six."

"Huh? This apartment has been empty for several years."

"New neighbor," Beomgyu replied, showing his face. "And he was so damn attractive."

He still thinks the boy is attractive, nothing has changed. He was his 'mysterious crush' that nobody really knew about.

"Are you alone here?" Taehyun asked after a while, looking at the anxious boy.

"Yeah, I was just about to go home," he replied, pressing his lips into a thin line.

"I can get you a drive," he suggested immediately. "Well, I have had my driving license for a month, so I'm not the best driver yet, but you will be safe with me for sure."

"So that's why I haven't seen you at the bus stop for so long," Taehyun nodded with a sly smile on his face. "Thank you really, but I don't want to impose myself."

"Come on, we literally live on the same street, same block, next door," he laughed softly, poking his shoulder. "It's chilly and buses run rarely at this time. Come on," Beomgyu couldn't help but smile.

And then, when they were standing in front of their apartment doors, they said goodbye only with a smile.

•

The next day he was awakened by a knock on his room door. It was Soobin.

He tilted his head out from behind the covers, looking tiredly at his friend. He knew that he would hear another apology soon, which would not make any sense, because the chance of it happening again was great.

"It's almost twelve and you are still asleep?" Soobin muttered softly, closing the door behind him. He walked over to his friend, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"I'm really starting to wonder what made me give you the key to my apartment," he snorted in a sleepy voice, closing his eyes again. "What do you want, fool?"

"Look, I'm really sorry Beomgyu. I know we've been planning this for a long time, and you especially wanted to go to this film, but it was my first real date with Yeonjun, and I couldn't reschedule it," he sighed. putting his hand on the younger boy's shoulder. "If you want next Saturday, we can have a movie night at my place."

Beomgyu huffed under his breath, rolling over to the other side. "It's not even about that stupid movie anymore, Soobin," he replied after a while, covering his face with the quilt. "You don't have to apologize to me anymore."

"We both know well that if I hadn't apologized to you, you would have been even more offended," he lay down beside him, cuddling against his smaller body.

"I just miss you, asshole."

Soobin laughed softly, ruffling the hair of the younger boy who screamed in protest.

"You can't just do it like it's alright already!"

"How many times do I have to say sorry?"

"Stupid question," he snorted under his breath, hitting his friend with the pillow. "Start hanging out with me again like we used to, talk to me on the phone all night like we used to do. I don't know, hyung, whatever!"

"We are spending time together!" seeing his friend's evil eyesight, Soobin sighed, immediately changing the tone of his voice to a lighter one. "I really try to give you as much attention as before, but it's not that easy when another important person has appeared in my life and I also need to give him my time and attention."

"I don't feel it."

Beomgyu did not want to continue the discussion. He knew that Soobin wouldn't understand anything anyway, and even if it did, it wouldn't change anything. He just had to learn to live with it, or just finally find that one person so that he could feel what his loved ones were feeling.

They were both lying on the bed, their bodies close together. They only stared at the ceiling, savoring a moment of closeness and comfort between them that they had not felt in a while.

"By the way," Soobin said suddenly, reaching into his pants pocket. "I found this on your doormat," Beomgyu immediately took it from his hands, sitting on the other end of the bed and opening the white envelope.

Beomgyu-ssi, it's really hard to look at your sad face, especially when you're usually a walking joy. Please start smiling more often again :)

-The boy next door, Taehyun

And Beomgyu couldn't help but suddenly start smiling like crazy, and Soobin didn't even ask why.

•

The following week he found himself in front of his neighbor's door, holding in his hands a tray of cake that he had baked early this morning (and, surprisingly, it didn't turn out the worst).

He wanted to thank a neighbor for taking him home. His father had taught him to give proper thanks for every, even the smallest, favor, so that was what he wanted to do.

He fought with his thoughts, whether to knock on that door, or whether he could hide in his apartment and pretend that nothing had happened.

"You're such a loser, Beomgyu," he muttered to himself, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath before finally daring to gently knock on the wooden door, painted green.

What if he doesn't like cheesecake? What if he is busy and what if he is not at home? Maybe I should leave him a letter just like he did? What if- he was torn from his mind by the sound of the key being turned, and the sleepy boy stood in the doorway, looking surprised at the neighbor in front of him.

"Oh? Hello," he said, leaning against the doorframe.

"Are you free? Am I bothering?" Beomgyu asked shyly, looking at the boy. He had visible bags under his eyes and disheveled hair.

"Well, I was having a nap," Beomgyu was about to start apologizing before the younger boy started talking again. "But I think I slept too long, I almost slept through the match, so you woke me just in time," he smiled gently at him, crossing his arms over his chest. "So what brings you to me?"

Beomgyu breathed a sigh of relief as he held out a tray of cake towards the boy. "I wanted to thank you for the ride, really. I was baking cheesecake in the morning, so ..."

"I already told you that you don't have to thank me."

"Well, maybe. I know. Nonetheless! I've been taught that you have to thank properly for any favors, so you have no choice but to take this cheesecake and eat it," Beomgyu bit his lower lip nervously. "Oh, you don't like cheesecake?"

"No, No! Thank you," Taehyun laughed, taking the gift from his hand. "Well, why don't you come in and eat with me? I don't know if I have coffee or tea, but my company should be enough."

"I would like to, but I have something to do," lie. Maybe he was too shy for that now? He pressed his hands together, pressing his lips into a narrow line. "I’m sorry."

"No, it's okay," Taehyun replied quickly, perhaps a bit disappointed. "Well, thank you for the cake, Beomgyu-ssi?"

"Just call me hyung or Beomgyu."

"Okay, so thank you Beomgyu!"

And then he simply walked away once more, smiling goodbye. And when he left in the evening he wanted to go for a short walk outside his door, there was again a white envelope with a letter in which was written:

Your cake was really delicious. You told me that for every little favor you should be thanked properly, so how about if I would like to thank you for that cake one more time in the cafe with a warm drink and something sweet? Let's get to know each other better.

-Taehyun

P.S

It's good to see you smile again. Keep going!

And maybe Beomgyu thought about it every single day.

(And maybe Beomgyu secretly waited for the boy to finally come up to him and ask when he was free).

•

It was a rainy evening.

Beomgyu stood against the wall, handset in hand, watching raindrops run down the large window, blocking his view of the city skyline. He really hated rainy days, especially when he has to spend them alone

"Hello?"

"Soobin hyung! What're you doing? Are you free?" he asked as he twisted the telephone cord around his finger.

"Well, not really?" on the other side he could hear muffled laughter and whispers. "Something happened?"

Beomgyu sighed softly, rolling his eyes. "No. I just thought that since the weather is so bad, maybe you'd like to come over to me, have some ice cream and watch Friends," he muttered. "But I hear that you are already with someone, so ..."

"I'm sorry Gyu," the boy smiled sadly at his friend's nickname. "Maybe you'd like to come over to my apartment? I mean, Yeonjun is at my place, but could we hang out together?"

"No, it's okay, but thank you," he looked away from the window, putting his head down. "I do not want to bother you."

"Oh, what are you talking about? You won't bother us. By the way, Yeonjun would like to finally meet you."

"Maybe next time? I'm not really in the mood, I don't want to ruin your day."

He heard a long sigh through the telephone, all the whispers and laughter he had heard earlier had stopped. "What about Kai, Minjeong? Your mom?"

"Minjeong has an exam tomorrow, so she studies, Kai is sick, and mom works until evening," he ran his fingers through his dark hair as he looked around the room. " I'll see you in lecture tomorrow then?"

"Are you sure you don't want to come?"

"Like I said. It's okay, I'm okay. See you!"

He hung up the phone quickly before the boy could answer. It was not that he did not want to meet Yeonjun - he did want to, but he was not ready. He simply cannot stop associating him with the person who distances him from his friend (even if theoretically it was not so, he felt so).

He lay down on the couch, closing his eyes. A nap at this point would be the best solution if not for the fact that the neighbors from above are having a row again this week.

"Oh literally fuck my life," he whispered to himself, glaring at the ceiling when he heard the sound of bottles breaking.

Not much thought, he got up quickly from the couch, leaving his apartment. He knocked on his neighbor's door, and when the younger boy leaned out of the door, Beomgyu didn't hesitate to ask:

"You wrote that you wanted to thank me. How about the coffee in 20 minutes?"

•

They were at the cafe fifteen minutes from their block. They were sitting right next to the window. There weren't enough people here, apart from the two of them, another young couple was laughing all over the place and an older man with a puppy by his side, reading a newspaper.

And they; with his order on the table, in rather awkward silence at first. They listened to the music that played softly on the radio. 

"Well," Beomgyu muttered, looking around the place to avoid the boy's eyesight. "Sorry to get you out of the house so suddenly in the middle of the week."

"You should stop saying sorry when you don't have to," Taehyun said, taking a sip of his hot chocolate. "By the way, I was the first person to suggest a meeting. I'm glad you accepted my invitation."

"Yeah, right," he muttered under his breath, clasping his hands together. "And the cake? Was it good?"

"It was tasty, as I said before," he sniffed as he leaned back against the wooden backrest. "So we're gonna talk about pie?"

"Well, that's not the theme of our meeting?"

"Theoretically it is," he nodded, peering at the view outside the window. "So how was your day? You look tense."

Beomgyu laughed nervously as he folded his sweaty, nerve-wracked palms on his thighs. "I'm doing well."

"I have eyes, and I can see," he whispered, giving Beomgyu a gentle smile that made his cheeks burn with embarrassment. "You can talk to me freely, you know? I mean, if you want to. I would love to hear your voice more."

"It's just so stupid," he replied after a while, finally meeting his neighbor's big eyes. "I'm feeling kinda childish because of that. And the fact I took you out of your apartment during this shitty weather and now I'm acting like this."

"Then tell me what's wrong. You will feel better."

He felt weird. He hasn't told anyone about how he really feels in a long time. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath to calm himself. His hands trembled and so did his voice.

"I don't know, Taehyun. I guess I just feel lonely," he muttered, putting his head down. "I'm selfish, I can't even accept the happiness of my loved ones. It's just, I don't know. I'm overwhelmed by the fact that suddenly everyone around me has someone more important next to them, and I'm alone in it all. My life doesn't look the same as a few months ago when we first met. I think it's too much for me in such a short time. "

He paused to drink hot chocolate. He rested his head against his hand as he continued.

"It just feels like my worst enemy or bad luck."

"What do you mean?"

"Love, Taehyun," he replied sadly, looking down. "It just gets hard when everyone around you falls in love and you suddenly become their second option when you used to be the first one," he rolled his eyes, tapping his fingers to the beat of the song that was on the radio. "And that's a woman from under twenty-eight, oh god. I have no nerve for her screams."

Taehyun laughed, covering his face with his hand, immediately apologizing. Beomgyu stared at him, unable to hide the smile that was creeping into his face.

"I'm sure you are right about Mrs. Kim. She's too loud sometimes."

"It's not just sometimes, and I know I'm right. Every day for three years I have been listening to her argument with her husband! She's totally crazy."

"She is. Did you know that her husband is cheating on her?"

"Oh, no way!" Beomgyu's eyes widened, laughing. "If my lover would treat me the same as she treats him, I would probably do the same."

"For sure," he looked into his glittering eyes, admiring his laughing face. Maybe he stared at him a little too long, but the sight of the pink cheeks on the older boy completely satisfied him.

And so they had their 'first normal meeting': drinking hot drinks, laughing at anything, and then walking in the middle of an empty street, watching the clouds revealing brightly shining stars in the already dark sky.

They walked for a good hour like this, completely losing all track of time. They walked close to each other, sometimes their arms and hands rubbed against each other, which made Beomgyu shiver down his body.

A few hours made them comfortable with each other, discussing in every way possible.

"So basically in 2025 the sky will glow red, showing the outburst of this star hundreds of years ago," Taehyun finished, taking his apartment key out of his pants pocket.

"It's sick," said the elder, removing his black gloves. "Astronomy is like black magic"

"Well, astronomy is the same as anatomy, some people will love it and others will hate it," he said, opening the door to his apartment. "Anyway, thank you for today, Beomgy. I really had a lot of fun."

"I should be the one to thank you!"

Taehyun put a finger to his mouth, silencing the boy. It was already one in the morning, so they couldn't wake the neighbors. He moved away from him, heading towards the door of his apartment.

"Beomgyu?" he stopped him suddenly, then, seeing as the boy looked at him, continued. "If you gonna feel lonely next time, just come to me."

Before he could answer, he was left alone, staring at the green door. His heart was beating fast and he had a big smile on his lips because maybe he had finally found a friend who would not leave him.

And maybe that same night he left the boy a note at the door, writing in it:

Taehyun-ah! You're a really cool kid, you know? I had an amazing day with you today, you made me happy. So I thought maybe I could thank you for that this weekend? My treat!

-Boy next door, Beomgyu

And they did. Beomgyu came to him whenever he felt lonely. Weeks and months passed, during which they spent evenings, afternoons, and even mornings together. They would go out for short walks around the neighborhood, looking around the shop windows, going for hot chocolate or donuts, sometimes going out to bars to have a beer, or just staying in the apartment watching TV series, listening to Taehyun's vinyl collection, dancing and singing alongside them or playing board games.

There were also days when Taehyun would study, sit with his nose in medical books, and Beomgyu would just look at him, wait for him to finish, and then do nothing.

And yes, maybe Beomgyu tried to avoid any contact with his other friends, as well as with his family.

He just felt happy, or maybe he just thought.

It was late evening sitting with Taehyun in his apartment on the floor playing monopoly, sipping cheap red wine, and listening to the radio.

"Two hundred dollars for me, Mr. Kang," Beomgyu said in a deep voice, reaching his hand to the younger boy for the money.

"No. I'm not playing with you, cheater," Taehyun threw his last money at him, resting his hands on the floor. "You cheated!"

"I did not!"

"Yes, you did! I saw you taking money from the bank!"

"No? I did not! I'm always playing fair play. You're just the one that doesn’t know how to lose, loser!"

"But-" was ready to continue arguing with the boy when he finally decided that it was useless after all. He put his glasses over his nose, agreeing to him, "Okay. You won."

"I always win, darling," he laughed confidently, starting to put the board and the money back in the box. "What time is it?"

"It's almost nine o'clock," replied the younger one, looking at the clock on the wall. "We have a two-hour break before they start replaying this week's Friends episodes."

"So maybe another round?"

Taehyun laughed out loud as he sat down on the couch in the living room. "I don't play with you anymore. I don't like playing with cheaters."

"I'm not a cheater, you fucker!" growled Beomgyu as he followed the boy to punch him gently on the shoulder (and maybe Taehyun was pretending that hurt him). He sat down next to him, reaching for a half-full glass of wine. "So why don't we play questions?"

"Beomgyu, please. We're not teenagers at a party in high school," Taehyun snorted, putting his hand on the boy's shoulder.

"Oh god, you're for real no fun," he rolled his eyes as he sat up more comfortably. "Come on! I'll start," he said with a wide smile on his face. "What's your favorite color?"

"The basics?" Taehyun said with a sly smile on his face. "Blue. What do you want to do in the future?"

Beomgyu looked at him with a scowl on his face, taking a good sip of wine. "I am studying economics, what else can I do in the future, you stupid!"

"Even sell houses," Taehyun replied quickly, with a serious expression on his face. "Next question."

"You're really something Kang. What is your goal in life?"

"Finish my studies, become a respected doctor, and build a large house with a garden. Travel the world and watch the stars every night."

"Interesting. Have you ever fallen in love?"

Taehyun tensed, sighing heavily when he heard the question. He tilted his head back, closing his eyes.

"So we come down to these types of questions? I did. Did you?"

Beomgyu smiled sadly as he moved slightly away from the boy.

"No. I did not. I'm still waiting."

"Good choice. Did you have your first kiss?" Taehyun looked at him, staring at his confused expression.

"Hey, it's my turn to ask the question, cheater."

"Oh, darling. We didn't make a rule that we couldn't ask multiple questions in a row,"

Beomgyu hid his face in his hands, feeling his cheeks slowly start to burn him. He began mumbling incomprehensible words under his breath, which made Taehyun laugh. He took a long sip of wine before looking at the boy with a confident look.

"Well, no," he said quickly, wrapping his hands over his chest. "Yes, I know. I'm twenty-two and still haven't kissed. Was it a girl or a boy? Your first love."

"It's no shame, Beomgyu. I don't understand your frustration. Sometimes it's better to wait for the right person even with a kiss," Taehyun replied gently, massaging his shoulder. The boy looked at him surprised, not fully understanding his words. It was a rather sensitive subject for him, looking at people his age who already have several years of experience in things like these. "It was a girl. We broke up a month before I moved here."

"And now? Do you like someone?"

"Maybe. Maybe I'm slowly trying to creep into their heart."

There were days when Beomgyu was in no mood for any longer meetings. Studies that began to overwhelm him, the sudden rush of study, and the constant fights with Soobin (which was mainly caused by himself).

He didn't know who he was more upset at, at himself for ignoring any attempt to talk to him, or at Soobin for the fact that every time he told him he didn't want to talk, he would just walk away. Everything happened quickly and made no sense. Sitting together in class, they would just sometimes look sideways at each other, and during breaks, they would sit facing each other. The biggest problem was that he didn't know the reason, although he started it all.

His smile faded again, and even the daily letters from the boy next door:

Did you laugh today Beomgyu? I haven't seen you very often lately, your apartment also seems empty, you don't even turn on the light. Remember that you can talk to me.

- Your beloved, Tae

That didn't help. Maybe he needed time for himself. He wanted to fix his mood to become the perfect version of himself. But it wasn't that easy when he felt alone.

And maybe he cried at night or even during his studies, where his tears would flow onto the notes he had just taken.

Yes, and it was that night when he woke up with still wet, red cheeks, a hoarse voice, and puffy eyes. He didn't even turn on the light, he just went to the phone and called the neighbor next door. He didn't answer right away, it was a minute before he heard the boy's sleepy voice.

"Have you slept?" silence answered him. He was about to hang up when the boy started talking.

"Beomgyu is two in the morning, of course, I was asleep," he replied quietly. "Why are you calling? You could have just come over."

"I just ..." he began, leaning his head against the wall. "I wanted to talk like I used to. You know, nighttime phone calls."

"Everything's all right?"

"The sky is clear tonight," he replied off-topic, looking out the window at the shining stars in the sky.

"Yeah, it is," Taehyun said after a moment's silence as if he was staring at the sky himself.

"You know, over a month ago you told me that someday when the sky is going to be perfect, we can watch the stars together," he whispered, as if afraid that someone might hear him, even though he was alone. "So I just thought, would you like to do it today?"

And they did it.

Despite the cold weather, they were sitting on the terrace, their bodies close together, covered with a duvet and two large blankets. They didn't talk much. They watched the stars in silence. Taehyun sometimes pointed to the most interesting points in the sky to distract him from bothering thoughts. Beomgyu with her head resting on his shoulder, and despite the slight smile on his face, there were still tears in his eyes.

Taehyun did not ask why, he did not ask unnecessary questions. He just let the boy let out his emotions. They lay there for several hours until the moon began to slowly hide behind large buildings.

"Thank you, Taehyun," he whispered, breaking the silence, "You're so good for me even if I'm so moody."

"Yeah, I'm quite patient," he laughed softly, turning his head to the brunet. "People say that if you like someone, you can't leave them."

Beomgyu just nodded, opening his eyes to look at him. "Are you confessing?"

He did not answer. He just threw his hand around the slender body of the boy, pulling him even closer. Beomgyu explained that the boy must be really cold already, after all, the idea of watching the stars on the balcony in the middle of autumn was not very rational.

"Have you ever imagined your future with a friend at your side?"

"I did," his words were quite soft. He bit his lip as his hand tightened on Taehyun's forearm. "I always thought that when I grew up I would live with Soobin and we would have breakfast, dinner together and watch stupid romances in the evenings, and then feel sorry for our fate. But I don't think it works out now."

"You really should talk with him, Gyu. You can't avoid the rest of your friends, especially if their absence makes you feel like that."

"They started first," he snorted, sliding his fingers from his forearm to his hand so he could play with his fingers. "It's all complicated. To be honest, I can't even understand why I’m acting like this."

"But maybe you're right. I can't ignore Soobin for my whole life, I miss this asshole and his dating stories, even if I had had enough of them before."

"See? That's what I'm talking about," he pressed their hands together, looking at the boy with a smile.

"But back to your question," Beomgyu said after a while, turning his head towards the boy. "Don't you think that if we were to live together in the future, it would be a total mess? I would feel sorry for our neighbors."

"Oh, really? How do you imagine it?"

"Just like it is now. You know, dancing together late into the night, watching the stars, watching TV series, long walks when the streets are empty. We're pretty loud."

"You're right. I have a vision of us when I play the piano and you dance around. It sounds very realistic."

And Beomgyu imagined it. He meant the image of him dancing like crazy with a glass of wine all over the living room, drunk in music, not in alcohol. In all of this, he saw Taehyun looking at him with that loving gaze, with that gaze that would never judge him.

He would see himself walking barefoot into a garden where white and pink roses, geraniums, and lavender would grow, and dance in the rain, letting his body wet. Then it would be night, and after stargazing for a long time, he would have fallen asleep with his neighbor next door.

And maybe he really liked this vision.

"It would really be something."

"Right, we really get along."

And then as they looked into each other's eyes, Beomgyu felt some strange sensation in his stomach that was very pleasant. And oh god, is it normal for his heart to suddenly start beating so fast? He was smiling, he was smiling really broadly and he couldn't stop, and Taehyun's eyes, really, why was he looking at him like that?

"I really love your smile, Beomgyu," he placed one of his hands on his cheek, placing his thumb on the corner of his mouth. "It's really cute. I wish I could see you like that a lot more."

"Really? God," his voice trembled.

"And I don't know why I have drunk thoughts that I would like to kiss that sweet smile one day."

But he didn't, and maybe Beomgyu was a little disappointed by it, but then, as they lay on the small bed, he felt those cold lips kissing his forehead tenderly.

When he woke up it was chilly (because there was no other boy next to him). He was left alone. He threw the blanket off his body as he headed for the living room connected to the kitchen. He was surprised to see donuts and fruits on the table, and a note next to it. He smiled to himself involuntarily, because he already knew who it was from.

Beomgyu, I'm sorry I left without saying goodbye, but I have important things to do. At first, I thought maybe I should wake you up, but you looked too cute. I bought you breakfast, you have to eat it! By the way, when I woke up, I started to think really hard about something, something that had been bothering me for the last few months. So, would you one day agree to my proposition to play the piano for you in the future? Smile a lot today and talk to Soobin, please.

-Yours, Taehyun

•

They finally met after months of ignoring each other. They were together in Soobin's apartment. At first, there was an uncomfortable silence between them, they were both afraid to start.

Beomgyu had tears in his eyes even then. During these few months, he realized how sensitive and mentally weak he was, even though he had always considered himself strong. He mentally scolded himself for how long it took him to understand.

"So ..." he began, fiddling with his fingers nervously. "It's been a while, huh?"

"You were the one who wouldn't talk to me," Soobin muttered under his breath, taking a sip of the water from the glass. "It hurt. It hurt even more when I was standing in front of your apartment door, and even though you were inside, you didn't open it."

"We both fucked up, hyung," he replied, finally daring to look into his sad eyes. "I just, I don't know, I didn't understand."

Soobin sighed loudly as he offered Beomgyu the tea he had made for him, it had almost cooled down. "A lot was going on. It irritated me that we don't spend as much time together as before. I felt lonely as hell. And then I suddenly started spending time with Taehyun, and he started to make me feel really happy, so I figured that maybe it's better to cut myself off from what made me feel lonely."

"But it didn't work. It made me feel even worse. This is fucked up."

"It is. I really tried to understand you, Beomgyu," Soobin whispered, wiping a single tear that ran down his cheek. "God, it makes me want to cry."

"I just missed you, hyung," Beomgyu lowered his head, unable to bear the sight of his crying friend. "And that made me stop thinking rationally. I'm so sorry."

They both sobbed softly until they finally dared to put their bodies together in a tight embrace after a long time and cry into each other's arms, just like they used to when they had really bad days. Soobin was an important person who was with him every day and night when he needed it. He couldn't lose him because of his stupidity.

"Don't apologize. It's our fault, not just yours," Soobin said with a gentle smile. "The funny thing is how long we had to wait just for a quick conversation to forgive ourselves."

Beomgyu nodded, biting his lip. He closed his eyes, trying to enjoy the closeness of the friend he missed so much.

"So you've been hanging out with this boy next door all the time, huh?"

"Oh, shut up," he growled, hiding his face in the hollow of his neck. "It's just a friend."

"Yeah, for sure. But you looked at him like you were in love with him since he moved in next door. It was really obvious that you liked him, Beomgyu," he laughed, stroking his hair. "So how is it with him?"

"I don't know, hyung. We're just getting together and having a good time," he sighed, his hands clasped on his friend's body. "He makes me feel happy and important. I don't know what to think," Soobin listened carefully to him. "And yeah, we have our own sweet conversations, and maybe it makes me suddenly shy and wants to scream.

"Maybe you're in love."

"I don't know what it means to be in love."

"Being in love means that every meeting with this person is full of emotions and joy. When you enjoy everything, do not worry about problems, smile at strangers and have much more energy," Beomgyu raised his head to look at a friend who spoke. "You are in love if you are looking forward to the next meeting, because when this person is with you, the whole world becomes more beautiful, and you feel that you are above everything."

"But what if it's only temporary?"

"It can be temporary, but it can also be forever. You never know, Beomgy."

And maybe then he realized that he was in love.

After meeting Soobin, his confidence grew. He felt as if all his problems had disappeared, and he could do anything. So that's why he was in front of his neighbor's apartment, knocking quite aggressively on the door.

He was excited. When he came back from his friend's apartment, he was smiling all the time, until now, when Taehyun greeted him the same way.

He didn't know where to start, how to put together a sentence. He was just standing in front of him, trying to say something.

"I've been thinking about your proposition," he said finally, stepping closer to the confused boy.

"Which one?"

"Don't act like you don’t know," he rolled his eyes, tangling his cool hands with those warm. "About the fact that you would like to play the piano for me in the future."

Taehyun smiled under his breath, continuing his eye contact with the boy, and damn, it really made Beomgyu not sure with his words (even though he had the whole script written on the way back).

"Yeah, what about it?" he asked in a low voice, leaning against the doorframe. "You thought about it?"

"Yes, a lot," he nodded, biting his lower lip nervously. "Actually, Soobin helped me understand it. You are one of the few people who really made me feel happy and important, not only for myself but for someone. I feel really good and safe with you."

"And I really like you Taehyun. I have actually liked you for a long time," he said softly, taking a deep breath. "And yes, I would like you to play the piano for me in the future."

When he heard the boy burst out laughing, he was embarrassed, putting his head down. Did he say too much? Or maybe Taehyun didn't mean it at all? He wanted to let go of his hands and step away from him, but the boy wouldn't let him, only pulling him closer. They were close to each other and Taehyun brought one of his hands to his tiny waist and the other to his face.

"With you it’s like that you either don't want to talk at all or talk too much," he laughed softly, starting to stroke his cheek. "I like you too, silly."

"What are we going to do with it now?"

"Well, first thing, I'll kiss you," he whispered straight into his ear. "Then I'll probably ask you to be my boyfriend," Their faces were even closer now, Beomgyu couldn't stop looking at his lips. "And then I'll take you on a nice first date."

Then he felt warm lips meet his - cool one. His eyes were wide open, at first, he didn’t know what he was supposed to do. It was nice, that's for sure. He rested his hands on his chest, finally starting to feel more confident, and kiss him back.

It was gentle, without any haste. It was an almost perfect kiss if at some point they had not crashed with their teeth. But it wasn't the biggest problem, especially when, after a moment of laughter, he felt a kiss again that lit their love.

And yes, Beomgyu definitely liked kissing.

"Boyfriends?" the older boy snorted a shy smile, licking the lips that had been touching those of Taehyun a second ago.

"Boyfriends."

Maybe love wasn't so bad for him after all?

•

It was already winter when they decided to go on a first date.

Beomgyu stood in front of the mirror in his room, wearing only pants, two shirts in hand, taking turns to put them against his chest. The first one was a plain white shirt and the other was black golf.

For the second hour, he had been thinking about what he should wear, and now he had only thirty minutes before their meeting. During this time, he has already cried from stress twice and (almost) burned his hair with a dryer. Was that what his friend was talking about? Was that what made the first date difficult?

"Soobin hyung!" he shouted hearing someone open the front door of his apartment. He ran out of his room, meeting his friend in the hallway. "Hyung, help me. This or that?" he asked, putting each of the clothes to his body once more.

"Why are you asking me such stupid questions? You'll look good in both."

"You didn't help me at all, asshole. Thanks."

"It's karma. Try to remember how you treated me when I was trying to choose clothes for my date with Yeonjun," he laughed victoriously, looking at his friend's body once more. "Alright. Dress both of them, it will look good."

"You think so?" he muttered under his breath, examining the clothes closely. Maybe he was right.

"Yeah, this is gonna look cool," he said, taking the envelope folded in half out of his pocket. "And it was under your doormat again," Beomgyu immediately snatched it from his hand, throwing his clothes on the floor. He quickly entered his room to read what was inside.

Dress warm today, love. I love you.

He didn't need a signature anymore to know who it was from.

And he loves him too.