Chapter Text
Kenma struggled with alot of things in life, but his main problem was speech. It was like everytime he tried to get the words out they'd choke him, holding him back and causing him unnecessary discomfort. It had been like this for as long as he could remember, even in preschool he couldn't answer the simplest of questions in class. Don't get me wrong Kenma had always been an absolute genius, he was always top of his class no matter what the subject and topic was, but even though he knew the answers he would never be able to say them out loud.
He was convinced he'd never be able to speak to anyone but his family for the longest time, that's until he met Kuroo. Kuroo was always so patient with him, he'd never try and rush Kenma into saying things, he'd always give the other space when they needed it, and he was always there for them. He was honestly exactly what Kenma needed in his life.
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The thing Kenma hated most about his mutism was the fact he was aware he needed to get better, and improving his mental state involved one main factor. Speech therapy. He hated it more than anything, he hated the discomfort of knowing he'd have to speak, the disappointment after he'd mess up, the tears and breakdowns that came with it. It was horrible.
"Good afternoon, Kozume" his therapist said, a small smile on her face. Kenma didn't mind her, she was rather sweet. Her office was rather relaxing aswell, the walls were all a light shade of green with patterns on most of them, scented candles were all over the place and the furniture was always extremely clean. He gave a small nod in response to her then sat down. "How has your week been so far?" His chest tightened as he realised he would have to reply with words this time, it was too much for him already. "...It's been good" he exhaled in relief knowing he formed all the words properly, his voice was so quiet he'd be surprised if she could even hear him, but ofcourse she did, she'd dealt with more severe cases of selective mutism, it's her job after all. "That's good Kozume!" She said, smiling again. Her cheery mood always managed to make Kenma feel somewhat better while he was there, and he appreciated her for that.
"We're going to try some counting today! I'll say a number then you say the next, then eventually we'll bring one of my co-workers into the room and continue counting infront of them, sound alright?" Kenma gave another small nod having no intentions of saying unnecessary words or phrases.
"Alrighty then! I'll say the odd numbers and you can say the evens. One" Kenmas eyes shot straight to the ground, he started fidgeting with his hands. This exercise was probably one of the hardest for him. "..two" he said, his breath rather shaky. "Three" his therapist said with a smile, she never hid the fact she was proud of him.
Once they made it to twenty another women entered the room, she was dressed well and looked rather kind but Kenma didn't care, he tried his best to ignore her so he could keep counting but the next number just wouldn't come out. He could feel the tears forming in his eyes, he was physically shaking and everyone could see it. He hated it. Now they were both going to judge him for not even being able to say a number. He was stupid, a coward, useless.
After a few minutes of silence minus his sobs he finally got the word out. "Twen-twentyone" he choked it out. "Well done!" His therapist said with a big smile plastered on her face, the other lady also seemed proud. Kenma was pleased with himself, it was hard but he managed.
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All Kenma wanted in life was to not have to worry all the time, he just wanted to relax. Overthinking everything wasn't fun. His selective mutism wasn't his only problem, it isn't rare for people with selective mutism to develop anxiety aswell and so ofcourse he got unlucky and had to suffer with extra bad thoughts that weren't related to speech. They weren't fun at all, even when he was just walking down the corridor he'd convince himself everyone was making comments about his appearance in their heads, or something along the lines of that.
Kenmas thoughts we're honestly just against him, it's as if his brain hated him or something. He hated it back though, so I suppose it's equal. Kenma wanted to get better he really did, he'd love to open up completely to Kuroo, he'd love to tell him everything, all his worries, all his concerns, all his problems. Though he was scared Kuroo would think he was crazy, stupid or worse. He was scared Kuroo would leave him after finding out what he was really like. The thought of it terrified him. His thoughts had trapped him into a position where the most help he could get is from writing down his feelings, and that can only help you up to a certain point, trust me.