Work Text:
For her nineteenth birthday, three years after the yawning abyss of EleStra had swallowed Nagi whole into its depths, her mother—related by the blood of the covenant, if not by the blood of the womb—mailed her a present: a cosplay of the charitable and gracious heroine, Lady Kemi. Perfectly sized to Nagi's physical dimensions. Perfectly suited to wade through the mire of sensory quandaries that made her flesh crawl over her innards. Perfectly prepared to gift unto its wearer the very grace and poise Lady Kemi embodied. Only a single detail made it, technically, inaccurate: the addition of the scarcely visible outline of a snake upon the inner collar.
In the penultimate chapter of the Wrathful Wolf arc, Lady Kemi had given her dress to the newly introduced Lord Yari, who had sewn up the tear within. One of the CGs in that arc had unveiled the aforementioned inner lining: no decoration whatsoever, merely an unbroken band of purple.
Grr-ack! The bane of cosplayers everywhere, who had to hastily redo the inner collars that they had decorated with all of their blood, sweat, and tears!
Yet for Nagi it had meant no difference.
The cosplay, with all of its hours upon hours of work coalesced into warmth, had never fit her.
Now, however, the material had found a new home, draped over the frame of someone admittedly about ten centimetres taller than herself, but approximately as slim if not slimmer. Thankfully the pleated skirt had sufficient length to come up far below his knees despite the added height. With that, the long violet wig, and an elegant stride to complete the ensemble, Sir Tosai's only major distinction from the real—fictional—Lady Kemi came in the form of his blue irises.
Not Lady Kemi's fanciful purple at all.
And, of course, his speech. But so long as he did not comment carelessly, she could smuggle him out of her dorm and out onto the campus proper, his clothing stuffed into a duffel bag covered in Lord Tomonami badges and patches that tinkled against one another with each of Sir Tosai's steps as Nagi directed him through the hall. Mercifully few classmates passed them by. Those that did gave her a wide berth, though a few flipped their phones out, perhaps to snap pictures. No matter. She had become quite adept at turning her head at the last moment—yet Sir Tosai actually stopped in his tracks and threw up victory signs.
"Blissfully unaware of the consequences of attention, are we?" she muttered. Sir Tosai jumped. He opened his mouth and she clapped her gloved hand over his lips, shuddering at the unpleasant sensation of his moist breath on her fingers. "Nary a word!"
Obediently closing his mouth, Sir Tosai gave the classmates a final wave before ducking his head and following Nagi out.
She pulled him forward in a straight line across campus. When she had first arrived in freshman year several weeks ahead of commencement, she had taken the time to map out the shortest possible distances between points. Even if she would have to pass directly through the heavily-trafficked areas, the less time spent in the crowds, the more time she could spend to recharge afterwards. Just in case, however, she had also discovered the least-trafficked paths: for those times when the milling masses overwhelmed her, and the poorly maintained side-stairwells and janitorial passageways refuged her in safe harbour.
Now she sprang her plan into action. If a fellow student—or staff—should peer too closely in Sir Tosai's direction, Nagi would whisk him off to one of these alternative routes to shake off the prying eyes.
It prickled the back of her neck.
At least the scent of broiled meats and freshly steamed rice cut through some of the crowd's smell the nearer they drew to the cafeteria.
Nagi bid Sir Tosai to wait for her outside and not engage with anyone. He gave her a salute and a one-handed prayer-promise. She grimaced. Perhaps leaving him alone in such a public forum would prove a catastrophic endeavour. Nevertheless, he had no ID to scan himself into the cafeteria. She collected enough food to feed a small army—perfect for the currently-ongoing Scorpion's Skirmish at Yabu Erihi! ~Sparkling Waves in the Sweltering Heat~ event, featuring rare water-elemental Tomonami -Aqua Vitae- and Tomonami/Seas' Herald in place of his usual fire-elemental skills, which she had already emptied out her crystal hold to obtain for both her fire dungeon all-Tomonami deck and to complete her triad-force collection with Tomonami/Skies' Herald and Tomonami/Stones' Herald—clutched the cafeteria bag to her chest, and moved to depart.
The staff paid her mountainous repast little mind. "Business as usual, Ms. Usui?" remarked the man by the exit. She detected nothing but good-natured 'small talk' from him. Typically students could not carry out their meals, but Nagi never ate in the cafeteria regardless, and her accommodations form marked that. It had taken her the past several years to finally convince each of the door-staff of this. Fortunately, most of them had learned her appearance by now. Still, every time they hired a new staff member, Nagi had to recite her rehearsed explanation and proffer the laminated copy of the accommodations form she kept with her at all times.
She responded with a curt nod.
When she rendezvoused with Sir Tosai, Nagi sortied in a flash. In her moment of absence from her battalion for requisition of supplies, the shrewd enemy had besieged her defenceless troops! And with such effective heavy artillery as selfie sticks and honed tactics as coquettish tilts of the head! Ah, the dwellers of light had no mercy in her onslaught! Sir Tosai's gaze met hers in the midst of her accelerated rescue. He offered her a sincerely sheepish smile as he returned the dreaded selfie stick across enemy lines. Nagi intercepted the line of sight. Needs must when the devil drove, and needs must even more when the devil photographed.
Nagi had two special skills at her disposal, envisioned plainly in the periphery of her vision: her formidable aura and her social tact. Even against her waking nightmares, she would show as much charity as did Lady Kemi.
And...Sir Tosai had taught her not to dismiss those from the world of light out of hand. Even if she still required much homework on and practise with that particular lesson.
Here she employed all of her stratagems. Not only did her sheer presence force the enemy back for the aura that she exuded—they acted as though she breathed a venomous miasma, and truthfully, green reptiles such as herself would have poison over other elements—but she also politely asked them to back away. Thanking them kindly, Nagi explained of her friend's disinterest in speaking vocally to them. Sir Tosai nodded ardently over her shoulder. The students inquired if they could post the accurate cosplay to their social media feeds. Sir Tosai continued to nod until Nagi cleared her throat, whereupon he proceeded to shake his head instead. Nagi thanked them for their understanding, and the classmates beamed and waved them off.
"My deepest apologies, Sir Tosai. I would not intrude upon your decisions to appear or not appear in the realm touched by light," Nagi observed, gripping the cafeteria bag to her chest, "but I hesitated given that Mother had fashioned that costumage herself. I would not wish for her to happen upon it. She browses such media with some frequency, though I know not how much."
Sir Tosai opened his mouth, then closed it again, a look of strained concentration on his face. Then he mimed hovering his hand over her shoulder.
"Ah...you may touch me, yes."
His palm alighted on her, and then he leaned over until he exhaled right in her ear. Nagi stopped dead in her tracks, her eyes screwed shut. How utterly damp. Awful. "S'no problem, Boss," he whispered. "I thought you were trying to give up the light-dark dichotomy stuff?"
"I...am in the process of doing so."
"I getcha. Progress isn't a straight line and all. That's just what we were talking about earlier, right?" Despite the abhorrent moisture of his words on her eardrum, she appreciated how she could hear the grin in his timbre.
She guided him to a shaded bench in an otherwise unoccupied portion of campus. The summer humidity could not have made the cosplay any more comfortable. Indeed, she watched him fan himself with the stack of napkins she had placed on the wood between them. "We may return to the dorm as soon as we eat." He leaned over again. She anticipated his question: "Yes, you may speak normally here. Do keep your volume manageable."
"Man, it's really like you can Dive into my mind without even Diving. No need for special powers, I know." Sir Tosai clapped his hands together. "Now, what's for breakfast?"
Nagi could all but hear the tilde in the lilt of his voice. "You know perfectly well. I inquired what you wanted back in the dorm, and I took exactly that." She fished out the plastic container of minestrone and presented it to him. "The consequences of your choices lie herein."
"Hey, Boss? You good?" He took the plastic from her and peeled off the spoon from the side. "You seem a little...jumpy."
She set the pork cutlet she had requisitioned for herself onto the tray in her lap. "Simply concerned for the instability of our inelegant strategy."
He snickered.
"Now: consume."
"Yes ma'am!"
They ate in silence for a few merciful moments. Sir Tosai shovelled minestrone into his mouth at a rapid pace, then held onto each bite for a while to savour it before swallowing. Perhaps ten minutes or so passed before he turned his head towards her. Nagi found herself upon the lip of a gorge she had never imagined existing, yet which now fell away down into the bowels of the earth at her feet. On one hand: she scowled for the interruption in her carefully laid plans to return to the safety of her dorm post-haste.
On the other hand: she smiled, for she longed to hear whatever thoughts tumbled about his head, whatever he had chosen to share with her.
What a curious, curious predicament.
"So, like...I haven't met your mom or anything." Ah. Sir Tosai spoke with genuine cheer despite the nature of the inquiry. He meant nothing by whatever his query would hold, at all. "You think she'd judge me for crossdressing or something?"
Her features must have looked absolutely stricken, for he quickly rotated his wrist in a gesture she had come to learn meant something of backpedalling.
"Whoa! Did I say something offensive? Didn't mean to insult her."
"Hwweurgh! Not at all. I doubt that she would pass judgment in any way. Quite the opposite. I fear that she may undertake psychic damage," Nagi replied between gulped-down mouthfuls. Her hair clung to the film of sweat over her nape. "Not from the choice of feminine attire, I must add, but from the choice of the attire she had fashioned for me. After all, I have never once worn it. Seeing another individual wearing something that she had intended for my own sake, especially something on which she had spent so much time on, might injure her emotions. Perhaps I am overthinking it."
"Kweh!? I mean: guess that makes sense about your mom! You know 'er best. But...really?" Sir Tosai smoothed his hand over the skirt. The material yielded easily to the touch. "You haven't worn this? Not even in the mirror? I didn't think you'd wear it to a con or anything, but...the costume itself? You'd think it'd be up your alley. All the seams are reversed, and there's no scratchy bit for the neck, and it's even got shorts built right into the skirt. And the sleeves are a little weighted, right? Feels like they've got some metal or something at the ends."
The words that bubbled up did not quite answer his question, but they did answer her own: "It heartens me, Sir Tosai, that you know my preferences so intimately."
"'Course! I mean, I've really liked helping you fiddle with all that stuff from the Tomonami Market and all that. It's like...man, Boss, I love fashion, and I guess I never really thought about how, what's the word..." Sir Tosai wriggled his hand as if he could will the appropriate phrasing into his palm by sheer force of focus. "Like, I never thought about how some people just can't wear stuff 'cause it's uncomfy? So being able to help you out on that's been really cool." A snap of the fingers. "Accessibility! That's the word! Plus, you're my friend. The coolest thing is makin' you smile." He gave her a thumbs-up and a wink. "Yeah! Just like that."
She touched her fingers to her lips. Indeed: her mouth had curved up into a grin.
"Anyway, you don't gotta answer my question 'bout why or anything. You don't need to wear anything, even if it fits." Sir Tosai ran his palm over the costume, tugging at the hems, fingering the stitching. "Your mom's got beast skills at sewing."
"Indeed. I have informed her of her 'beast skills' at such before."
He had leaned forward, not quite into her personal space, but out of interest. Sir Tosai never studied her with that intensity, but he had his own look of friendly curiosity. "Makes me happy when you smile that fondly, Boss. You really care about your mom, huh?"
Nagi replied plainly: "I do not believe that I would be here without her."
"Oh." He hesitated. She gave him a moment; masks did not slip off with such ease. "You mean in college?" She shook her head. "Oh..."
"I do not mean that I would have expired, Sir Tosai." She finished the last bite of cutlet and placed the tray onto the bench. "I mean that I, the Nagi I am now, would not be here. I know not which individual with my shape would exist in my place, but 'twould not be me. Just as you would not exist as yourself without the experiences you have had up until this point."
Sir Tosai nodded. Thoughtfully.
"As for the costume, I do not believe that I would fit the role of the gracious and charitable Lady Kemi. You do, with remarkable flair."
He grinned. "Well, hey, I was bound to pick up a few tricks of the trade. Didn't play all those chapters for nothing. But why do you think you don't fit Lady Kemi? I'm not trying to turn this into another therapy hour or anything, so...like I said. You don't have to answer." Sir Tosai paused then. He held up a hand. "Wait. What I meant to say is: if you wanna talk about it, I'm all ears. I just don't want to force you. But I'm not going to feel bad if you do want to talk about it? Does that make sense? I hope it makes sense."
"It certainly does." Nagi adjusted her spectacles. "I suppose that I view Lady Kemi as a dweller of the light. And—I know. I know that 'tis a false dichotomy. Yet the awareness of this lesson does not in of itself does not force it to truly sink into the self. One can conclude something logically yet find one's spirit grasping onto the incorrect reflection quite thoroughly."
"Boss..."
She heard her own tone: clipped, matter-of-fact, as though she were defending her thesis. "It...frustrates me that, a year later, I struggle on with this. It frustrates me more the hypocrisy of my statement, for when you express such to me, I remind you of our difficulties with progress. Progress does not proceed forward in a straight line. 'Tis a curve with as many setbacks as forward advances. I attempt my utmost to give myself grace on that fact. After all, I have made deep and genuine friends with dwellers of the light. Yourself. Sir Beat, whose curry and emotional intuition I would never wish to live without. Sir Rindo, whom I have taught how to tilt one's lenses just so to shield one's feelings from the light."
Sir Tosai groaned. "He keeps doing that all the time to me now! Can't even ask to copy his homework without him flashing his glasses at me. You've made him a monster, Boss."
"You need but wait until both of us can advance upon you at once. There shan't be any escape." Nagi felt the corners of her lips twitch upwards for a second before the sensation passed. "As for my frustrations, I believe, however, that the concern...lies beyond that. I have realised by now the great gap between preventing conflict between parties, even using all of the tools at my disposal, and true connection over the chasm. In soothing all conflicts to avoid pain, one never truly deepens one's bonds. A hedgehog's dilemma, as it were. Prior to the fateful Game, 'tis no secret that I spoke primarily with others online, where the text medium could wash away the...peculiarities of my conduct. Rather: what others consider peculiarities. Thus I dismissed persons in the offline space under the assumption that they would never accept me, truly."
So much for returning rapidly to her dorm. Her tactics had failed her today, but she would bolster her strategising and try again another day. For now, she...she wished to continue to speak. Despite the heat at the back of her throat and the stickiness behind her eyes.
"My yearning did not cease." A factual statement. Nearly robotic, akin to a recitation and nothing more. "A yearning for someone to genuinely understand. A yearning for someone who comprehended me, deep within my soul. To grok me, in a word. Mother represented the first of many whom I thought might do something of the sort. She recognised the depths of this empathy I feel, blessing and curse that it is. She taught me patiently how to navigate social situations such that I could keep my empathy and my sanity intact as much as possible. She never once judged me for my 'failures', and I began to differentiate them not as failures of myself, but only failures when compared to others.
"Why should I compare myself in this way? Do others 'fail' if they fail to have empathy, for instance? I do not think so. Why, then, would I cast such judgment upon myself?
"I can only ever exist as myself. I can certainly identify tracks on which I can improve, such as...the aforementioned false dichotomy betwixt light and dark." The pressure within her skull would burst the fountainhead free. "Yet so much of myself will only ever remain as myself.
"For example, my lack of fine motor control: I cannot change that. I can train my fingers, certainly. Yet 'twill never reach the levels expected of the fan tutorials I follow for crafting my own pins. Forever I shall need to further the safety measures myself.
"Nonetheless...Mother showed me how I can train myself. How I can further the safety measures. She gave me the tools I needed to begin to build my own tools, so to speak. After all, even to sharpen a stick into a spear, one requires something with which to sharpen it, even something as simple as a stone. Until that day, I had never considered myself worthy of the stone.
"I am ever grateful that Father remarried. I am ever grateful that Mother came into my life. I am ever grateful that she stayed even when Father left.
"And yet...
"And yet...!
"Hrrrrk...!"
The tips of her fingers ached. She forcibly unclenched them from her knees. The slight ache above her philtrum indicated that her sinuses had begun to run. Yet Sir Tosai showed no measure of disgust, no turning away of horror at the tracks of mucus upon her face.
"And yet she does not fully understand me either...!
"Oh, she loves me deeply, and I feel this in every action she takes. I say not this out of lack of gratitude. She accommodates me endlessly. If ever I believed in protective spirits or guardian angels—not of the breed that nearly erased this city—I would consider her a prime candidate for my theory.
"Yet she does not understand me. If she did, she would have never gifted me a cosplay for Lady Kemi. I have nothing but gratitude in my heart that she did. She knows me so very well, Sir Tosai. The serpent upon the collar enshrines her love."
He nodded. Again: thoughtfully. She detected a hint of unease beneath his reassuring smile. Not a façade, that smile: he worried for her, and he wished her well. No pity. Never pity. Not even for the heat that staggered her mental faculties and fevered the flesh of her cheeks, burning along the trails of tears and snot that would rub her face raw. No, he looked upon her with fullness of feature, not a moment of judgment for how she wept. Yet, that unease...that unease brught her to hiccough, once, and then point her left forefinger at him.
"Please, resume your meal, Sir Tosai, or I shan't speak onwards until we return to the dorm."
Sir Tosai spit the empty spoon from his mouth. "Right, sorry! Fret, private eater extraordinaire, on the case!" He scooped minestrone again and chewed it with great aplomb. Nagi cleared her throat.
"Now then...nonetheless I yearned. Perhaps no one would ever understand. Perhaps, I could only ever expect accommodation.
"Was I...selfish, to yearn for more?
"Truthfully, Sir Tosai, part of me yearns still." The torridity in her throat portended a torrent with it. The repugnant taste of cutlet mixed with vomit stained the base of her mouth as if she had imbibed a pot of ink. "For this unrealistic fantasy. The 'Lord Tomonami' who can read my mind and my desires before I even voice them. Someone who comprehends me so intimately, as intimately as the fictional dwellers of the light whose romances I ravenously devoured appeared to comprehend one another. Finishing one another's...not sandwiches, for I would do battle with anyone attempting to cozen my meal. But...I yearn for that level of synchronisation. Of mutual vibe.
"Yet I understand now. Such does not exist for dwellers of the light, either. Even if it did...
"I far prefer this." As though all the ink she had quaffed had stippled her innards, and now she drew upon the very blackness of that ink to paint her truths upon the easel she had discovered in the darkness of her descent. "The uncertainty of human speech. The agony of miscommunication. The failures. The torture in twilight's twain.
"Part of me yearns, yes...but..."
When she smiled this time, her features did not change upon her without her knowledge; she sensed the smile as it unfolded over her lips. No matter how ephemeral, no matter how transient, she had smiled.
"...'tis a part of me that grows smaller every day.
"For opening myself up to such deeper bonds does, inevitably, cause pain. When your emotions bleed into mine. When I feel the agony of your sorrow, your anger, your irritation. Yet the joy that you provide...'tis more than a mirror of your joy. Far, far more. 'Tis a genuine joy, a genuine contentment of a kind I had not considered before."
Sir Tosai beamed. "N'awww. Y-you too."
"I feared that when you removed your masque, you would also remove your polite tolerance of all that I am." His beaming faded; he lowered his hands to his lap. Nagi forced the words further out: "I know quite well that the Wicked Twisters enjoy my presence, but...in moderate doses. Not that any of them would say it. But when Sir Beat and Sir Rindo ask me repeatedly if I am all right when I express my delight, and...it exhausts me. I appreciate the concern. I deeply and truly do. And I appreciate my time with them, as well. Yet I feel a mutual fatigue if encounters go on for too long, and then I retreat once more into my room. I have tried not to isolate myself overmuch. 'Tis a running struggle. At times, I find myself losing. Yet, I...
"I thought that once the Game concluded, that you and the others would return to your lives, without the threat of the Game hanging over us like the sword of Damocles."
He looked as if he would speak, but then thought better of it.
"The sword that hangs over one's head by a single thread, one loosening away from becoming a guillotine."
"Oh. Thanks."
"Of course. And so I predicted we would remain friends at arms' length. But...you decided to not only remain my friend, but to join me in the quest of EleStra. I could scarcely b-believe it. And then you...remained. You stayed. Long after you found out after my m-meltdowns. Long after you found out about my inability to try clothing on at the store for the vexation the f-fabric gave me. L-long after you learned that I c-could not even stay in the rain for fear of the nine hells breaking l-loose. Long after you understood all of my quirks, my difficulties, my t-troubles...you stayed. Not out of obligation f-for 'being a friend to someone like me' or out of p-pity, but because you genuinely..."
She glanced down at her gloved hands. Sir Tosai waited patiently, nothing but a faint "Boss..." on his lips. "Take your time," he told her after a moment, "and lemme know if you wanna head back." Yes. Yes, she would let him know. If she needed time to recover, to recharge, to spend alone in the dark, he would sit outside the door as long as she needed.
He had done so before.
And would again.
"Despite...despite my fears...despite my tendency to self-isolate...despite all of that, I do my best." Nagi met his gaze once more. "With that said, thank you very much for staying by my side for as long as you have. As you yourself said, should we ever part, I shall take to my heart the lessons that you imparted on me. Thank you, Sir Tosai, for everything."
She could see the apple of his throat bob up and down as he swallowed. "Don't say it like that, Boss. I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. Maybe if a meteor comes outta nowhere and hits me in the head killing me instantly. But not a second before that."
Nagi inclined her head. He offered her the napkins he had used previously to fan himself. She could see in the angle of his wrist how he did not obligate her. A genuine offering and nothing more. And because he offered it genuinely, rather than as a request to clean herself or make herself appear presentable to him, she accepted it gratefully. Dabbing at the salt and mucus upon her skin, she winced at how her flesh smarted.
"Uh. I know you don't need my approval or anything. But is it okay if I say something? Thanks for sharing all of that with me, by the way. For entrusting me with it."
"Proceed. The floor is yours."
He rubbed the back of his neck. His discomfort oozed across her skin, and she found an uneven whorl in the bench's wood to trace with the non-dabbing hand, the stimulation of texture an aegis to the sentiment. "I think at a time like this, if we were flippity-flopped, I'd be asking you for a hug. That doesn't really help you. Sooooo...I gotta use my words instead, right? Well, maybe I politely tolerated you when we first met. But right now? I don't tolerate you, Boss. I love you. I mean it. I love your yelling. You love living so much, you know? It makes me love living all the more. S'not that I know your preferences 'cause I'm running through some mental checklist of how to be your friend. I know 'em 'cause they matter to you. And what matters to you matters to me. I love being around you.
"I mean, it's great that I can be myself around you! But I'm myself around you because you're you, because I love being around you, not the other way 'round."
She could hardly keep his gaze for the luminosity of his eyes, for how he glowed. The queasiness had faded, leaving a not entirely unpleasant warmth in her throat and her gut.
"Listening to you talk so passionately about stuff, whether you love it or you find it, what's the word—detestable!—watching you walk around a convention with your eyes the size of those dino Noise we fought in the Game, having you kick my ass at everything from EleStra to Crimzon Clover, seeing you struggle with games I find easy peasy and hearing you complain about the scoring, finding your drool on the pillow this morning, just holding your hand and feeling the living proof that you pour your heart and soul into those pins and stuff: you're like one big fire. I wanna take you everywhere. Show you all kinds of stuff! Just to see your reaction. Know what you think about it. Read your three paragraph novel review of it. And I want you to take me everywhere.
"Sometimes there's stuff we both do that doesn't really work out for the other person. Like sometimes I need to be hugged or whatever and you can't do that, and that's just...sucky for both of us, and it's nobody's fault. Or sometimes I'll be playing with my hat or something 'cause I'm nervous and that'll set you off a little. I get that. Nobody's fault. I don't think that's tolerating. It's...I dunno what to call it. But I've never thought I had to tolerate any part of you."
He waved the spoon around hastily.
"It's okay if you see it as tolerating parts of me! I don't mind! Really!"
Nagi frowned, folding the snot-coated napkin and returning it to the bench. "I admit that I do occasionally see myself tolerating some of your actions, Sir Tosai, but only that which I also speak up on. Certainly I've never just 'tolerated' you without informing you..."
The spoon's waving became more furious as Sir Tosai responded with his entire body. The fabric rustled with his motions. It produced the same effect as the full-body bow from the opening animation of the eleventh chapter.
Sir Tosai truly fit the mark.
"And that's okay! I get it. We all view relationships and stuff differently. Just, I've never ever seen it like that! I've just always gone, oh, well, this sucks for both of us, but man do I love Boss. Again, it's not like I'm putting you on a pedestal or anything." His voice softened. "There's stuff that doesn't work out. Stuff that's hurt me. You've told me to speak up myself, so...I do! And we work it out. And it's great. And I've never felt like I was tolerating anything you did. Anything. I mean it. I know it's hard...to process, but. I really do mean it."
She could sense the uneven squiggle of her mouth. "I suppose that I am so used to tolerating others that it troubles me to imagine that not everyone feels this way. I cannot peer into your mind to perceive your perspective. Even if I were to somehow view your world as you do, it would inevitably pass through the filters of my own physical neuronal cage. To have a relationship where one tolerates nothing...where one needs not tolerate anything, for there is nothing to 'tolerate'...I cannot envision the shape. Yet. I sense nothing but sincerity from you. I believe you, Sir Tosai. I deeply do. At least...with my head. I need time to believe with my heart."
He touched the spoon to the rim of the plastic container. "And maybe you're never gonna believe me with your heart. That's okay. I mean. I feel the same way. I dunno if I'll ever really believe with my heart that you want me here. But that's why I'll say it to you over and over and over again. I'll show you. I know you're not asking me to prove anything. I'll show you because it's stuff I wanna do anyway. Actions that make me happy, like you call 'em.
"And it's not just me! Beat, my Rindude, Shokie, Rhyme, Mr. Minami: you gotta hear how everyone talks about you. Everyone loves you. Nobody wants you to stop being you. Maybe you're right that some people tolerate parts of you. Same way you tolerate parts of them.
"Me? I just want to be here. With you.
"'Cause I love you, Boss. S'just the facts. Professor Fret, dishing out the hottest facts and nuclear takes. Q.E.D. Quat error demonstrated-um!"
Nagi pushed the bridge of her glasses up. "'Tis quod erat demonstrandum, Sir Tosai."
He replied with finger-guns in her direction. "That. Yep.
"Anyway, if you met someone who totally got you like that, I wouldn't blame you if you dumped my ass to the curb and ran off with your new bestie. I'd be happy for you, even.
"But, uh, until that happens..."
She lifted a hand. "Even if it did, I would not abandon you. I precisely appreciate being around the genuine you. The you who runs headfirst through life...the you who weeps for his friends...if you would consider me the 'fire' that 'loves life', then you are the wind that stokes that flame. I enjoy being around you for you. No number of persons who 'totally got me' would change my feelings for you now, Sir Tosai." Would that her smile displayed the tenderness in her heart. "My affection."
His jaw hung open for a second, his spoon hand pressed against his chest. "...thanks for letting me stay by your side. Where I want to be. Not 'cause you play therapist. Not 'cause you pulled my mask off or...whatever you call it. Because you're you. I know that sounds dumb and cheesy and corny but those are the words I got. If they're not good enough, that's okay. But that's what I got for ya, Boss."
"Sir Tosai, I...I greatly appreciate your words. 'Tis more than enough that you listened to me with an open heart."
His other hand, the one on the back of his head, came to a rest. "Yeah? That's...that's great! Yeah! I, uh. Even if I...don't 'grok' you?"
Nagi shook her head. "As I said, I do...I do think that I far prefer this. This, with you, no matter the difficulty. That you are...here, despite the violence that my own presence inflicts upon you in such a state." His brow knit. "I do not mean that in self-deprecation, but rather in acknowledgment, just as you acknowledge the same in me. I...thank you. For your choices, that you have chosen them, out of your own desire." His frown gave way to a fervent nod. "Even if you do not 'grok' me. Sir Tosai...I ask only that you act in accordance to your happiness."
"And I will! I promise. Just...trust me to do what I wanna do. You said that you only had that one requirement thingy, right? That I'm here because I want to be and because I choose to be.
"Well, I want to be. No question.
"And...I'm swearing this on my full name, so you know it's the real deal." Sir Tosai brought the spoon to his brow in a mockery of Lord Tomonami's famed salute. A mockery that...made her flatten her hand from the whorl she had traced so many times that her fingertips tingled, instead of continuing the motion. That warmth in her throat and her gut had taken on a new sensation. Something akin to...comfort. "On the honour of Furesawa Tosai, second-in-command to Master Tactician Usui Nagi of the Covenant of His Radiance, I solemnly swear that I choose to be here. In other words, we can be—"
His own laugh interrupted him. Nagi raised her eyebrows.
He took the spoon through airborne circles. "Okay, wait, wait, I can get this out. In other words, we can be—heh—we can be—hahaha okay no I got this—we can be—"
"Sir Tosai...?"
"—each others' little pogchamps."
She stood up from the bench and walked away. If she hit a tree or the side of a building so be it.
"Boss!" Sir Tosai was laughing too hard to get out more than her name, but Nagi heard him stumbling after her. "Boss! I'm sorry! Oh shit!"
Turning around, Nagi found him standing behind her with both hands over his mouth, the wig slightly askew, the duffel bag teetering on a single strap, the seifuku ruffled from how abruptly he must've bounced up and ran towards her. It suited him more like this, just a little bit off-kilter. Just a little bit...Fret.
He shook his head at her and made a quiet, muffled mhmmfmmfhm noise.
"I doubt that anyone heard you," Nagi affirmed, and his shoulders sloped down in relaxation. "You count among the silliest people I have ever met. Well met, at that."
From the way that the corners of his eyes squinched up, she knew he smiled sheepishly.
"And...thank you. Sincerely." The heat that threatened to melt her down; the hearse that threatened to spirit her away; the heart that threatened to believe in his words, in his faith, in his love. "Whether or not we ever learn to trust one another fully with our hearts as well as our heads...I trust, in this moment, that you want to and choose to be here, Fret."
His eyes widened; he tried to gasp and audibly suctioned in his palm instead, hacking out a few coughs.
"I suspect we have each completed breaking our fasts. Shall we retire, Sir Tosai?" Before giving him a chance to respond, Nagi began to walk towards the bench once more to gather herself, clean up the mucus-marked napkins, and throw away the mostly empty containers. She could hear him striding behind her to catch up.
He nearly hip-checked her left side and swerved just in time. Keeping his voice low, he whispered urgently at her: "What'd you just call me?"
"Sir Tosai."
"C'mon, Boss!"
She let the morning light catch along her lenses just so. "I did just call you 'Sir Tosai', Sir Tosai."
He was grinning ear to ear; the whites of his eyes shone wetly. "Befooore that! Come on!"
Nagi hefted the bag of food once more, this time over her shoulder. "Come, Sir Tosai. We've the day ahead of us."
"Boooooooss!"
"But you may, if you wish, hold my hand." She mediated on which to present him: her left, or her right. Both of them relied upon their right hands. No easy approach to equalise their needs. Should she offer an accommodation? Should she—
"Really?" He was already sticking out his right hand, merely because he'd ended up on her left side. Such a basic solution. No thinking involved. Only a moment of genuine feeling, of connection. Not because he couldn't think, but because he had already thought and defined the trust of his warmth and the warmth of his trust. In this moment, that gathered in his right palm. In this moment, she would give him her left. "I guess we're both walking together on this journey. To believe each other with all our hearts and stuff. I guess. Boss. Even if we never make it. I wanna walk with you. Because we can be each others' p—"
"Refrain."
"—partners."
And he was laughing as he followed her, no, as he walked by her side, and she by his, swinging their arms in the chasm between them, connected palm to palm, even with the fabric of her glove serving as a barrier, even with the spoon still held between his fingers, imperfect and uneasy and lovingly human.
Partners. Yes.
Perhaps she would learn to trust her partner yet.
