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To my beloved,
To others, the changing of seasons brings them difficulty. The sun seems more and more eager to dip below the horizon with each passing day, and the cold settles deep into their bones and unease creeps through with the cold wind.
But to me, autumn gives comfort. The chill feels warm, in a backwards way, because I only remember that I’m going to be coming home to you. My beloved, who spends his time so deep into the pages of a book that you are scarcely aware of when I come by. When you do, the smile that grows on your lips grows so beautifully, so suddenly, that it feels like my heart skips many, many beats.
I am sorry that I’ve been away for so long, darling. But rest assured, you won’t have to wait any longer. I am nearly there, and until then, I am in your mind, and your heart, and in these words, as always.
JJK
-------------
It was around ten o’clock in the night when he finally stepped into the stupid library, absolutely fuming. How dare they steal his property, his own letters, and claim it was theirs?
They were all he had left of him. Letters he’d written in the dead of night, his only company flickering candlelight and the chirping crickets. Those yellowed pages contained his deepest and most private desires, words that were meant for him and him only. No other human, no other interested ‘scholar’ that would only take his words and twist it into some strange tale for their own purposes.
He kept his head ducked down and covered as he prowled through the long hallways of the library. The smell of books was old, rancid, even, made him want to sneeze, and that was only made worse by the stench of human. Happy human, sad human, stressed human--that was the most terrible smell. His empty stomach turned and twisted into itself in revolt and he needed to get out. Quickly. But the research archives were still two floors down. Hidden away, needing a special clearance for entry.
He used the shadows to travel, sneaking past locked doors. Soon enough, the darkened hallways of the archives were in his view.
God, now he had to look through everything. He’d never bothered to learn the new ways humans categorized things, and now he was sorely regretting wasting his time. He took a step forward, but then there’s this new scent, blood scent, one so heady and strong that it made his head spin. Fuck, he was so hungry. So fucking hungry.
“Sir?”
A voice followed, and he whipped his head around. The boy looked scared, eyes gone wide behind thick, round-frame glasses, purple hair ruffled. Jungkook wants to kill him immediately for interrupting him, but the sound of his heartbeat stills him. Like a predator, waiting for the right time to strike.
The boy— prey —came closer, his plump lips curling into a kind smile.
“Do you need some help finding something? I’m not a librarian, I’ve just been around here often.”
Jungkook looked over the boy in confusion. He had made sure to dress up as uninvitingly as possible--dark clothes, a scowl on his lips, and yet, this cotton candy haired human had the audacity to speak to him. He rolled his eyes and looked towards the long shelves again, uncertainty flickering in his expression before he just headed for the letter L.
The boy, the stupid, naive boy, started to follow him, and his heartbeat grew louder when he came close to Jungkook. If he could, he would’ve whirled right around and trapped him against a shelf, given him no mercy before he tugged at his hair and sunk his teeth into his artery, but...no. No. He could keep himself in control. Leaving a scene like that would be so messy, and he really didn’t want to have to move. Again.
“I really can help you, y’know,” The boy said, quietly, meekly, and Jungkook can’t help but wonder where the other’s sense of preservation had gone. He turned, gaze sharp and cold, noticing the cylindrical things in the boy’s arms.
“Don’t you have something else to do?”
“Um...no,” The boy let out a sheepish little laugh, shaking his head. “I mean, I’ve just finished up looking at these letters for today…”
“Letters?”
“Yeah, the new ones! They’re so hard to read, but I’m so excited to--”
“Give them to me,” Jungkook cut him off, and he’s a blur before he’s nearly nose to nose with the boy. Fuck, this was a mistake. The boy’s heart beats faster, faster.
“I’m sorry! Um...here, here,” He quickly let the cylinders go and Jungkook immediately took them towards the closest table, needing to see if they were real. They needed to be, he didn’t know what he’d do if they weren’t.
He didn’t know how the fuck to open up the damn container, though. He shoved it back towards the boy again, and it took too long for him to move into action, to realize that Jungkook needed help.
Jungkook let out a long, tired sigh. The boy’s heartbeat picked up speed.
Thump, thump, thump. Fuck. When he worries at his lip, it stings a bit, his teeth catching, and the boy pulls out his letters, only...they aren’t the real thing, they’re just photocopies, and he swears he could scream.
“Where are the real ones?” He all but growls out, and the boy looks utterly confused.
“Like...the real parchment? Oh, no, we can’t touch those, it took too long to restore them and our hands get them all dirty and everything,” He laughs quietly, nervously, as he could feel the growing weight of Jungkook’s glare.
Jungkook wants to tear the paper in his hands apart. But he’s stuck looking at the picture, the faded ink on yellowed paper. It was so, so long ago. He remembered the scratch of his quill, the way he’d smiled, reading the words.
If he weren’t...what he was, he probably would’ve cried. He set the pages down on the table with another long sigh, looking up towards the purple haired boy again.
“Um...so...what do you think of them?” The boy asked. Jungkook thought he was far too adamant on making conversation with a creature just moments away from killing him. Humans were so strange.
“I think it’s an offense,” He mumbled, looking back to the table. “Those letters are sacred. Private. Who gives you the right to read them?”
“Ah...I mean…” The boy looked a little embarrassed, smiling again. “I get that. But, well...it’s been centuries since anybody last saw them. I don’t doubt that they were private...a lot of people are framing them as an exchange between friends, but actually...I’m working on a theory that they’re between lovers,” He looked excited to talk about this, practically lighting up. “It’s my thesis, actually, um, I’m writing about LGBT erasure in history and everything, so...yeah. This is a source I’m looking at.”
Jungkook blinked slowly, processing about half of the other’s words. The lights were too harsh, now, and the blood scent was getting too sweet.
“Thesis?” Jungkook murmured, and the boy nodded eagerly. Jungkook sighed, realizing that he likely had no way of getting his hands on his letters tonight. Not with this boy around.
“Yeah! Um--actually, I totally forgot to introduce myself,” He said, sticking his hand out to Jungkook. “I’m Park Jimin. What’s your name?”
He bristled at the thought of having to speak to this boy a second more.
“Jeon Jungkook,” He said, getting over his revulsion and shaking the outstretched hand. It’s warm to the touch, so, so warm. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt warm.
“It’s nice to meet you,” Park Jimin said, smiling again. “I’m the closest thing to a resident expert on those letters here. If you’re researching too, we could totally work together! I can’t decipher the handwriting half the time anyway, so another pair of eyes would help a lot. What do you think?”
Jungkook let out a quiet laugh. Deciphering was unnecessary, he could recite the whole letter from memory right then. But he found himself nodding--he blamed the hunger--and Jimin clapped a little in excitement.
“So, I’d totally hang around now, but I’ve honestly gotta go,” Jimin busied himself in gathering the photocopies and rolling them up again, tucking them into the cylinder as Jungkook watched. “I’ve got a cat to feed at home. But here’s my card? You can call me whenever you’re free, and we can get onto deciphering together?”
Jungkook only nodded again. Jimin smiled even wider, skipped away, and Jungkook’s heart, if it even existed anymore, all but plummeted, shattering to pieces. But he pocketed the card, letting his aching feet carry him back home in the dark, cold night.
—————————————————
Despite a promise to himself to never come into contact with Park Jimin, he found himself standing in front of the library’s doors around nine o’clock, a few days. His lips felt cracked and dry, and the chill of the night was not helping with that at all.
Maybe he could get a quick meal…
“Jungkook-ssi!”
He practically deflated at the too-cheery voice. Goddamn human—he ought to kill him. Any self-respecting vampire would’ve finished him off the first moment they’d met. But, as if he were on autopilot, he pivoted around, meeting the boy’s sparkling eyes with a little bow of his head.
Perhaps this was all because he was hungry. Hunger meant weakness, and weakness, for a vampire, meant being closer to humanity. And the humanity in him would have been just as awed by Jimin as Jimin was awed by him.
“Sorry I’m late,” The boy practically skipped along as they made their way down to the archives. “I was out shopping for some Christmas gifts I need to give.”
“Christmas?” Jungkook was quite unsure of the term.
Jimin looked at him like he’d grown an extra head for a moment. “Uh, yeah, Christmas.”
Jungkook only shook his head slowly, and Jimin’s jaw dropped a bit in disbelief. Jungkook had to watch as the boy flailed his arms about to try and explain.
“Y’know, the one holiday that a lot of people look forward to? It literally dominates all of November and December?”
“It must not really dominate anything,” Jungkook shrugged a bit. “I mean…I’ve really never heard of it before.” And he felt embarrassed about it. He’d made it a point to try and keep himself up to date on human traditions, just so he’d know how to avoid them, and apparently…he’d missed a pretty big one?
“This is a crime against humanity,” Jimin crowed, and really, he didn’t need to be so dramatic about it, Jungkook thought—it was just another day, another month, what did it matter to Jungkook, who went through time differently?
“I don’t think I’m missing out on much,” Jungkook said, and Jimin shook his head.
“Absolutely not. You’re literally missing out on, like— everything that makes humanity kinda bearable,” Jimin looked at him with wide eyes. “Oh my god, I think I need to be your Christmas guide.”
“It’s really no big deal—“
“No, no no no, I need to rectify this immediately,” The boy grabbed Jungkook’s arm, much to the vampire’s chagrin, and tugged him towards the rest of the plaza that the library was surrounded by.
And to his horror, they arrived into a coffee shop, and it was too bright, too loud, too smelly, despite the nighttime. He felt a bit violated. Offended, even, that this boy was pulling him around like he was nothing, and yet, all he could do was follow.
Jimin left him by the doorway and went forward, and Jungkook looked around nervously. Too many heartbeats. He should’ve left.
But then, Jimin came up to him with a steaming drink in his hands, and he could only hear the thrum of his heart. “You absolutely need to drink this.”
Jungkook took the drink and sniffed at the contents, getting coffee, and the overwhelming stench of egg. “What the hell is this concoction?”
“An eggnog latte!”
“Why the hell would you put eggs into a drink?” Jungkook scoffed, but Jimin went and pouted— pouted— up until Jungkook finally listened, and took a sip of the drink. It’s so strange, and he almost threw up, but he forced himself to swallow it down. A vampire’s senses weren’t made for human food, only blood. Perhaps he would’ve liked this decades and decades ago.
“So?”
“It’s…interesting,” He settled on, and Jimin just shrugged a bit and took the drink, and Jungkook heard every rise and fall of his heartbeat as he enjoyed the drink himself. God…he was so hungry.
“I guess eggnog is an acquired taste. But that’s one tradition, making eggnog, or having eggnog-related things during this time of year,” He explained. “This and peppermint, too. Want a peppermint latte instead?”
“Oh, no,” Jungkook quickly refused, despite the human’s disappointment. At least this made him turn away from the cafe and go back outside, back towards the library.
Jungkook couldn’t figure out why Jimin was doing this—stringing him along to stupid human places, talking to him. He needed only one thing—those letters—not some stupid human boy confusing him over things that he thought he’d lost the ability to feel years ago. What was just as puzzling to him was how he agreed to another meeting with the boy the next day, around nine.
—————————————————
This time, they’d walked away from the plaza towards the holiday lane, where, according to Jimin, many humans often gathered to partake in the enjoyment of Christmas decorations. All Jungkook saw was the harsh glare of lights wrapped around trees, the screeches of children far too hyped up on the sugary sweets and drinks they received.
But Jimin had caught his attention despite all of it, remaining firmly in his sights as they walked the length of the lane. Jungkook followed the steady thrum of his heart, one step at a time.
They came to a stop at the central square, where all the streets converged, and a gigantic tree stood in the middle, decorated to the nines with lights, sparkle and baubles. He squinted up at it as the boy chattered on and on about traditions—gifts under the tree, stockings, ornaments symbolizing many different things—he honestly doesn’t remember most of it at all. He focused on the smaller details, on how whenever Jimin would get excited, his hands flew about every which way. How his heartbeat would hold a steady cadence until the human looked over at him, and then, it did a little stutter, like it had skipped a beat.
And that…that was dangerous. Terrible, even. He knew that rhythm far too well…held it too closely to himself. It made him nervous.
“We need to go back to the library,” He cut the other off, and turned to look away from the glowing lights. “I still…I still need to look at the photocopies of the letters.”
Jimin all but deflated, and if Jungkook had a little bit of his humanity, he’d feel like an asshole for interrupting his excited rambling. But no, he had no attachment to Jimin, and thus, there was no need for excess empathy.
Jimin would only remain a means to get his letters back. Anything more would be terrible for both of them.
“Okay,” Jimin nodded, and although it had lessened by a few degrees, he still smiled. Jungkook led them back down to the library with a strange feeling lodged in his chest.
—————————————————
As such, days passed by. Jungkook was nowhere closer to the original letters, but Jimin had gotten all the more closer. As much as the vampire had tried to keep the human at arm’s length, he’d still wheedled his way into his plans, stayed there until he could recite all of his knowledge about the human holiday of Christmas.
He wished he could be as animated as Jimin was. Wished that the spark in his eyes that manifested from his happiness would appear to him, too, that the human’s heartbeat wasn’t always so loud. Too loud. Too close.
He still hadn’t fed.
“So you’re telling me that some tiny plant mandates any pair of people to kiss under it.”
“Yup!”
“That is the strangest thing I’ve ever heard.”
“But it’s just so cute,” Jimin cooed. “So adorable. And it’s made so many people realize their feelings for each other so many times, it’s just…absolutely magical. Gah, I love mistletoe so much.”
“It sounds like an invasion of boundaries.”
“…oh my god, Jungkook-ssi, you just love ruining things, don’t you? Embrace the whimsy of it,” Jimin pouted, and that was even more dangerous than just his heartbeat. Because it made Jungkook feel too close to being human.
“Fine, fine. I’ll entertain the idea of it for now.”
“You better,” Jimin leaned closer to the other with a grin and oh god. He even pointed up, and Jungkook dreaded looking in that direction.
“I’m not. Absolutely not.”
“Ugh, party pooper,” Jimin rolled his eyes, and the vampire worried away at his lip with his teeth. Jimin looked sad. If there was one thing he’d grown to hate when he’d begun hanging out with the human, it was him looking sad.
So…he blamed being starved for the way he leaned close and brushed his lips against the human’s cheek. He felt the warmth, even swore he heard the blood rush up to Jimin’s cheeks as the human flushed from the sudden contact.
Jimin didn’t say even one word to him the whole time after. But that was because the human’s hand had made its way to Jungkook’s, and played with his fingers the rest of the night. And Jungkook let him do it, even while knowing the dangers of it.
——————————————————
Although he’d become an expert in maintaining patience between meals, this had become the longest he’d gone without one. Three weeks, three long weeks of hunger clawing at him, until it had finally sank in deep.
He hadn’t even realized he’d gone out of his den until he was kneeling on the cold pavement of the alleyway, blood smeared on his cheeks and the tang of fear prominent in the air. He felt a little stronger—but what did it even mean, in the end?
Although he’d feigned disinterest in any and all of Jimin’s stories about Christmastime, he remembered every bit. All of the lessons and meanings of togetherness, hope, gathering, love— and this victim, limp and lifeless, had likely held those desires in their heart as well. But it took only an unfortunate encounter with him to end it all.
He felt numb. This was why he knew things with Jimin were too dangerous. Because he was the kind of creature that stood against everything Jimin stood for—life and hope marred by the darkness in him. Sucked away like it meant nothing more than food.
He wiped away the drying blood on his lips and got up onto his feet. The victim would burn away, come morning—such was the curse of his fangs. Such was the curse for him.
Jimin stood by the library’s entrance, just as he’d always done for the past few weeks, too pure and too sweet for Jungkook. His heartbeat skipped a beat in its cadence again and Jungkook wanted to tell him to run. To run far, far away, before he was trapped, and the darkness inside of Jungkook would snuff his life out.
—————————————————-
Apparently, he had nothing to worry about. Jimin was due to leave town for a couple of days, to visit family. Despite his busy schedule of packing, he’d insisted on meeting with Jungkook one last time.
Something about Jimin was different. Nervous, anxious. His heartbeat said as much.
“What’s going on?” He couldn’t help but say, before anything else. Jimin looked startled for a moment, before he pulled out a box from behind him.
It looked a bit heavy, but it was neatly packed, with silvery paper and a nice bow on top. “It’s not Christmas just yet, but, um, since I’m gone for the day, I thought I’d get you a present early.”
“Oh…you know, there was no need to,” Jungkook whispered, reaching out for the box. Jimin looked bashful, his little smile peeking through, and Jungkook felt a strange, sudden urge to tell the human to stay.
“Open it,” Jimin said quietly, gesturing to the box. Jungkook raised his brows in confusion, before taking the human towards a bench nearby, so he could set the box down to properly open it up.
And oh, he must’ve been hallucinating, dreaming, even if vampires couldn’t do so. Because the box contained a frame, and in the frame were his letters—his letters— carefully pieced together.
“Jimin…”
“I…” The human started off, and Jungkook watched as, for once, Jimin seemed to be at a loss for words.
But eventually, the human looked right up at him, brows furrowed with some sort of emotion. “I…I-I think that these belong to you.”
“You do?”
“Yes,” Jimin whispered quietly as his gaze flitted away.
Jungkook could feel it, this time, something in his chest breaking in two. Because he realized what was different about the human today—his heart raced because he was afraid. Afraid of Jungkook…of what he could be, if these old, old letters belonged to him.
He couldn’t even try to deny it. “How…how did you know?”
“Well,” Jimin worried away at his lip for a few moments. “Um…sometimes, I noticed you’d just fill the blanks in for me when I could barely even decipher what the writing said…even when there were pieces of the parchment missing. You’d just know…and, well…there were some other things.”
Jungkook let out a quiet laugh and shook his head. Jimin looked back up at him, and he so desperately wished he wasn’t… this. That it could be like back then, when he could hold warmth in his hands and bask in its glory without it burning away at his skin.
He had to let Jimin go.
“Is this a Christmas present or a farewell gift, Jimin?” He couldn’t help but ask, quiet, too quiet, maybe. The human shrugged, but Jungkook knew. Jimin didn’t need to lie.
“I…I mean, I really appreciated your help,” Jimin spoke softly. “I just…I need some space to process.”
“I understand,” Jungkook said, putting the frame back into the box. Jimin got up, and he didn’t get up with him. He had to remember he was letting him go.
Jimin started to make his way away from the bench, away from him. The wind blew a gentle breeze and Jungkook could feel dampness against his cheeks—he looked up to see little snowflakes, lazily tumbling their way down to the ground.
Jimin’s smile was small, bittersweet. “Merry Christmas, Jungkook,” He whispered, and Jungkook watched as the human walked away, clutching the box to himself tightly.