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The first time it happened was after they'd scrambled out of the Fade together. After fielding the questions and bathing and trying to handle the nearly engulfing sense of guilt, Lavellan crept up the stairs of the tavern.
There were things…people he couldn't help right now. His companions were self-treating with alcohol and company and whatever Bull and Cassandra were doing with that Qunari stick coping thing outside, but if Lavellan was correct, one member of the party was probably at a loss when it came to helping himself.
"Is he here? Distressed, aching, it all hurts but there's more to do. Maybe I can fix this before I'm too tired to move." A slight pause. "Why are you trying to fix me?"
Lavellan sighed and stepped closer. "I'm sorry, Cole. For taking you with me. I didn't, I mean, if I'd…" Unsure exactly how to apologize, he let himself trail off, looking for words that didn't want to be found.
"There was no way you could have known. No one did. It wasn't your fault."
"Cole, I--"
"You always think it is. And of course it is, because the decisions come from you, and they all trust you to make the right ones, and what if you aren't and they won't tell you. What if this is all wrong and your best isn't good enough. All of the stares and the weight, can't go back now, everything's so heavy, and they're all waiting for the right thing or maybe waiting for the wrong thing, don't know where to step and it's so difficult."
Lavellan swallowed around the lump in his throat. He should've known better than to come here when he was feeling like this.
"No, this is the best time. You're easy to hear, like this. It's easier for me to hear what to do."
"I'm--"
"Sorry. I know." Cole blinked at him, tall enough that the brim of his hat didn't cover his eyes, or maybe it was that Lavellan was short enough that it wasn't a problem.
Opening his mouth to make another attempt, all of the elf's breath left in a soft huff as Cole's body pressed close, arms tightening in a way that seemed almost desperate. When silence reigned for a long moment, Cole shifted.
"Am I doing it wrong?"
"Doing…what wrong?" Lavellan was still reeling a bit and didn't want to jump to any conclusions that shouldn't be jumped to.
"I've never hugged anyone before, but you wanted me to. Or maybe not me, but someone, and I'm here. Is this all right?"
"It's…" And suddenly, it was. Not everything, and not completely, but just enough. It was. Lavellan's posture relaxed, and he was only a little surprised when Cole stood strong enough for the two of them. "Yes, Cole."
"It is. I didn't know. But I like this."
Cole didn't waver when Lavellan's arms came up loosely around his waist, didn't flinch when Lavellan's eyes closed and his head dropped onto one bony shoulder, and probably would have continued in the same manner had Lavellan not startled himself awake when he began to nod off.
"Oh. What do I do now? When does hugging stop?"
"I, um." Lavellan shook his head a bit to clear it. "Now is okay. Whenever, really. I don't think there's a set rule, to my knowledge." The last bit was nearly swallowed in a yawn, but Cole nodded to show that he'd understood.
"Tired but dazed. Floating and soft and warm. I'm glad I could help. Should I follow you to bed?"
There was a tired giggle that Lavellan would never admit to making followed by a small shake of his head. "No, you probably shouldn't. But thank you, Cole. I'll see you later."
"If you like."
Cole watched him descend again, and when the Inquisitor had gone from sight, the boy wrapped his own arms about himself in curiosity. No, it wasn't the same. Not quite right. But now that he knew he could do it right, and that it made other people feel as happy as it made him…
…he was glad he was learning and remembering. There were too many wasted opportunities that needed to be rectified as soon as possible.
~~~~~~~
In hindsight, covered in blood and sodden with pond water from the calves down was probably not the nicest way to go about approaching people for hugs, but it had been a whole three days since the last time, and he was getting…impatient?
He felt a little twitchy, like he had to hold himself back from leaping onto his companions to see what it felt like, to chase after that warm, fuzzy feeling he'd experienced before. So when they had stopped for a moment, pausing for a rest on a sun-warmed boulder in the Hinterlands while Lavellan checked his map and Varric fiddled with the new mechanisms that had been recently added to Bianca, Cole seated himself next to the dwarf and wrapped his arms around Varric's shoulders.
"You okay, kid?" There was a slight tint of confusion and worry there, but nothing strong enough to reach out to Cole. It seemed to be mostly curiosity.
"I like hugging."
Varric laughed, drawing Lavellan's gaze for a moment. The elf blinked and tilted his head, then curled his lips in the barest of smiles before turning back to his map.
"I guess that's a good thing, then? Just be careful with it."
"Careful? Why do I need to be careful? Can hugging hurt people? Am I doing it wrong this time?"
"This ti-- How many people have you been hugging?" He couldn't quite keep the surprise from his voice.
"Just the Inquisitor. He was sad and he wanted one, so I helped." Cole's voice was low enough that he hoped it didn't carry too much. He could feel Lavellan's mild embarrassment and thought that maybe he didn't want to be reminded. Or maybe it was because of the way Dorian was mumbling something over Lavellan's shoulder and gesturing at the map and then at the tree line. Either way, Cole didn't really want to disturb him.
"Really, now? Getting cosy with the Inquisitor. That's interesting."
"I like getting cozy with you, too."
That startled another laugh out of Varric. "Okay, first rule, you can't go around saying things like that to people. They'll think you're propositioning them."
"For what?" Cole's expression was all innocent curiosity, and Varric sighed.
"For more than hugs."
"There's more? I didn't know. Does it feel good, too? What should I--"
"Hold up, kid. One step at a time." Varric took a breath, Cole's arms following along with the movement of his chest as he did so. "Let's back up here. If you ever wanna hug anyone, you have to ask first, okay? No springing it on them. People don't like that."
"But I didn't ask the Inquisitor, and he liked it."
Varric bowed his head, really hoping that the two mages were out of earshot. "Look, it's kind of an intimate thing for some people, and for others it's not. Some people will want you to, others won't. So it's better to ask just to be sure."
"I understand." He could feel Cole nod against the top of his head.
"And second, be extra careful with the ladies around here, all right? Some of them will be especially…agreeing. Or not. Shit, that probably goes for the guys, too." Varric huffed in anticipation of the headaches that were surely going to happen in the future, but he wasn't going to tell the kid not to hug people. If he wanted to be more human, well, that was definitely a part of it. The whole touching thing. "Just please promise me that you'll ask first, okay? It'll make everything a lot easier."
"Okay." There was a short pause, and then Cole pulled away so swiftly that Varric thought he'd maybe hurt the boy's feelings. But Cole didn't stand or make any other moves to leave.
"Varric, can I hug you?"
His laugh then was definitely loud enough to attract Dorian and Lavellan's attention, but he didn't really care, wrapping an arm around Cole's waist and pulling him close again. "Sure, kid. Anytime."
~~~~~~~
They didn't mind him anymore, the tavern patrons. Maybe they had gotten used to him, or maybe they ignored him. He was fine either way. He perched on the topmost rail, one foot tapping away at a rhythm only he could hear, listening to the hum of conversation below. Happy noises, excited noises, surprised noises, everything drifted upward. He caught snatches of thoughts here and there. Some people were drinking because they wanted to forget, in which case it would be better to try and help them once the hangover was gone the next day, which he'd learned through trial and error. Some were drinking in celebration, in which case they didn't need help right now. And some were drinking because they didn't know what else to be doing, and those were the ones that Cole really wanted to hug. Surely, if they weren't busy, it couldn't hurt.
He shuffled down one flight of stairs, making more noise than he used to before, but he could probably plod down the steps like a druffalo and no one would hear him, what with the rest of the noise.
His knuckles were rapping at a wooden door before he was really aware that he was doing it, and he was almost surprised to hear a muffled curse and crash from inside -- not because the reaction was surprising but because he had actually intended to make it down both flights of stairs, rather than just the one.
"Fucking stuffed halla and its stupid horns, should've gotten a smaller one, maybe I should move it to--"
Sera was met at the door by the sound of Cole reciting her own inner monologue back to her.
"Oi, what're you doin' here, Creepy? Got no one else to bother at this time a' night?" Her body was still occupying the space between the door and the frame, not welcoming him in, but not slamming the door in his face, either. "Seriously, did you want something? I'm kind of in the middle of a thing."
"Can I hug you?"
Had he been anyone else, Cole would have laughed at the expression on her face. Complete bafflement combined with a distinct sense of distaste. Her head reared back a bit on her shoulders as she tried to glare upward and lean away at the same time.
"Ew, what? No! Why?"
"Because I've never hugged a girl before."
"Can't you go bother Josie or something? What're you slinking around here, for?"
"You're here."
"Uh, yeah. This is my room. And…?" When no further explanation came, she wrinkled her nose. "Fine, just get it over with."
Arms spread wide, face still contorted, she looked more like she was bracing herself than anything else. When Cole didn't move, being completely thrown by this reaction and thinking that maybe hugging Sera was not going to bring either of them the happiness he'd come to associate with the action, she rolled her eyes and shot forward with an, "Ugh, come on!"
One tight squeeze and a thump on the back later, she was already backing away, leaving Cole standing with his hands raised awkwardly, the whole exchange having happened before he could really register what was going on.
He swallowed. "That was…"
"Weird? Unnerving? Most uncomfortable fucking thing? Yeah, I'm with you there. Are we done, now? Great. Bye, then."
She shuddered a little as she closed the door, and Cole tried very, very hard not to concentrate on the distaste and distress coming from the other side of it.
It made him shudder, too, and he had to, he had to get rid of the feeling.
A deep cheer sounded from below, followed by the clink of glasses and some loud, off-key singing, and Cole nearly ran down to the ground level. He needed to shake this. He needed a hug. A proper one.
~~~~~~~
It took about two seconds for Cole to flee downstairs, all senses immediately assaulted by the raucous company occupying the tavern. His arms were wrapped around his middle, like he was protecting himself, and he couldn't seem to lose the shuddery feeling. He passed easily amongst the patrons, trying to listen for the sad, the lonely, anyone who would be receptive. Varric had said that he should ask, but who to ask?
"A bit fuzzy, but not so fuzzy that I can't notice things like this. Can't tell what's wrong with him. Strangest thing, walking around here like someone punched him in the gut, maybe he's sick with something. Maybe I should tell the boss. Hello, The Iron Bull. I'm not sick, I don't think. Can I have a hug?"
The qunari took a second to process that. "Didn't I tell you to stop doing that?" But there was no heat in it, and on his next breath, "Did you just ask me for a hug?"
"Yes. I thought I really liked them, but I've just tried hugging Sera, and she didn't like it at all, so I didn't like it at all, and now I feel very uncomfortable and I want it to go away, and I've never hugged anyone bigger than me, but I think you're probably good at it. All of the maids and serving girls think so. So I think I'll feel better if you hug me."
This got an eloquent grunt out of Bull, who subsequently downed the rest of his drink, left the mug on the closest table, and shrugged with one large shoulder. "Well, why not. Stranger things have happened."
And without another word, Bull had bent and lifted Cole completely, one arm at his back and the other beneath his knees, and was carrying him off toward where the Chargers sat. His strides were so long that they had crossed the room in seconds, and a hush fell over the mercenaries when Bull took up his seat again, dropping down heavily with Cole in his lap.
"New friend, then? Not really to your usual tastes, but he's kind of cute in a lost puppy sort of way."
Cole blinked at the other man. "I'm not lost. I want to be here."
A good-natured laugh followed, and Krem, that was his name, continued, "Yeah, you and half the damn bar, if the chief's stories are to be believed."
"Guys, this is Cole. He's just discovered hugging, so I'm…accommodating."
There was another round of laughter, and Cole stayed quiet, feeling a bit off-balance. He wasn't sure if he liked this. The position was nice, but being the center of attention was unnerving. He wasn't used to it at all, and he found himself wishing that he could slip into the shadows as easily as before. Being more human was difficult.
"Maker's breath, give him here, Chief. I think you're about to scare the piss out of him."
What followed was a transfer that left Cole even more flustered as he was passed over to Krem, his long legs almost knocking into every tankard in use, and when he was finally settled at the man's side, squeezed close to him on the bench, he was near trembling.
Krem rubbed a hand up his back to grip at one shoulder before turning toward Bull again. "So remind me, Chief, are you sure the Fereldan was bigger than the one that's supposed to be flying around Crestwood?"
This launched a loud, animated conversation that quickly drew the others in, and Cole nearly sagged with relief. He was trying to figure out the best way of fleeing back up the stairs when Krem's fingers began a rhythmic kneading against the muscles in his shoulder, and oh maybe that's what Varric was talking about when he mentioned more-than-hugging.
"You okay?" Krem's voice was a whisper at his side.
"Still wary, like he's trying to hide, knew the chief shouldn't have done that. Maybe I shouldn't have, either, but it was the only thing I could think of, and I'm not like he is, can't wrap him up like that, but maybe he won't mind. Maybe he'll stick around for a bit. Curious thing, where'd he come from? Can't be eating much, look at him, I wonder if I can…" The pausing of Krem's hand made Cole pause, too. He'd been doing it again. "Sorry. I was trying not to, but I forgot."
"Uh…"
"I don't mind. And I'm glad you did. And I think you're the perfect size for hugs." It seemed very important to get it all out at once, before Krem could find it in him to be unnerved. But then, maybe he was just making it worse. This was so confusing. Why couldn't hugging be easy? "And it felt good, before, that thing you were doing."
Krem's thoughts whirled and finally settled on amused and endeared. "You're priceless, you know. Where'd The Iron Bull find you?"
"He didn't. I found him."
Krem shook his head. "You mean you wanted to be a part of this insanity? Suit yourself, kid. Cole. That's your name, right?"
"Yes. And I wanted a hug. I didn't feel good, and hugs make it better, I think."
With a thoughtful hum, Krem's hand started moving again, knuckles pressing against the muscle at the base of Cole's neck. "So how do you feel now?"
Bull roared and made a gesture that sent ale splashing, and there was another cheer that drowned out Cole's sigh, though it didn't much matter because he was leaning into Krem and the man could feel it, anyway.
"Good. It's good."
~~~~~~~
"He draws me close, bringing one hand to…my…" Her eyes scanned the page before her, narrowing in concentration. "I can't read this entire page. No, two pages…"
"You won't read it." He didn't even stir in her lap, though her fingers stilled where they were carding idly through his hair.
"Are you sure you don't want me to read one of his other books? I have all of Hard in Hightown in my room."
"It's not the same."
"That is the point, Cole. It is less…well." She turned another page, trying to find one without the words "manhood" or "throbbing" or--
"It doesn't sound the same when you read it."
She sighed, her fingers taking up their stroking once more. His hair never seemed to look well-kept, no matter how she combed it. "I will endeavor to read it in exactly the same way as I do this one. I will even do voices the way you like, Maker help me."
"It won't be the same. I like this one best because you like it best. It makes you happy. And that makes me happy."
"That may be true, but it isn't very…appropriate, I think."
"Because it's about sex? I don't mind it."
"I am not saying that you do, just that maybe we should read something less vulgar." Her cheeks flushed even as she spoke.
Pale eyes looked up at her for a moment before he turned to actually nuzzle into her belly. She could nearly feel her resolve dissipating. "You're not corrupting me. I see and hear a lot." It was so matter of fact, like admitting to…to voyeurism was a completely normal thing to do. Though she supposed it might be, for him. "It's normal for everyone, probably. Everyone thinks about it. Please keep reading."
Blinking, she patted down a stubborn lock of hair as she mentally regained her balance, the blond strands soft against her skin despite their disarray. She removed her hand briefly to turn back to her original page, then returned it to its gentle petting of Cole's hair.
May they always say of Cassandra that she was the bravest of women.
"He draws me close, bringing one hand to my breast, his thigh pushing apart my legs as I moan…"
~~~~~~~
It was an interesting smell. Birds and books and paint, but considering how often he could be found here, Dorian apparently didn't mind it that much. Instead of reorganizing the shelves or pouring over something laid out on the table, he was currently lounging in his (because it was really his, at this point) chair and gazing out the window, book open in his lap.
This position was very convenient, and Cole noted that he wouldn't have to do much rearranging.
Dorian didn't even notice him until he was picking up the book and setting it aside, not even glancing at it. There were more important things to attend to right now.
"May I ask why you're up here giving me your opinion on my choice of reading material?"
"I'm not. It doesn't matter what you're reading."
Dorian frowned down at the book on the floor in near offense, then started when Cole began pushing and pulling at him, uncrossing his legs and nudging his shoulders straight.
"What are you…um." This last bit came as Cole clambered unceremoniously into his lap, ridiculous hat cast off so that he could nudge his head against Dorian's. Long legs hooked over one arm of the chair, and it wasn't until Cole's fingers came up to clutch at his clothing that Dorian thought to attempt to extricate himself from the situation.
"Look, it's not that you aren't a wonderful boy, Cole, but I--
"Like this."
"…excuse me?" The mage attempted to angle his head down to hear Cole better.
"He wants you to hold him like this. But you'll need to hug back or it won't be the same. He likes it when you squeeze a little tight, and you're bigger than he is, which is nice. He'll probably giggle. You shouldn't laugh at it because it makes him embarrassed. Then he might not do it again."
Heart in his throat, Dorian found himself tugging the blond closer. "You know just what to say to get your way, don't you? I've heard all about this new infatuation of yours, and it isn't very nice to go using things like that against other people just so they'll cuddle you."
Cole shifted in his lap but otherwise refused to move.
"It hurts, keeping it all inside. And you're bothered that I know, but it makes you sick with anxiety and excitement to think about him knowing, too."
"I have no idea what you're talking about." If he kept his replies short, then maybe this would all be over soon. Dorian chose to ignore Cole's contented sigh and the way his own body relaxed into the warmth on top of him.
"He's lonely, in those big rooms all by himself. Too big, and even the Dalish windows don't ease the feeling of cold stone all around. Can't hear the whisper of the leaves, and the sun's light reflects off the snow, never staying. Caught between, not one or the other, don't fit here and don't fit there anymore. Even the bed is too big and too empty. Obvious no matter how much I stretch out. What would it be like if he were here? It can't hurt to imagine it. I'm sure he's warm and smooth, skin like--"
"Cole!"
The boy blinked upward, registering the faint trembling in Dorian's arms, the way his heart was beating faster, pulse pounding in his neck.
"You should go now. His door won't be locked. He's always kept a fantasy of you coming to him, but he's too afraid to ask."
Without another word, Cole stood, breaking through the circle of Dorian's arms. One pale hand stretched out to tug at Dorian's, encouraging him to his feet and not letting go until it seemed that the mage's footing was solid.
"Right." A swift nod, and Dorian backed away a bit. "Then this will either be the best night or the worst night of my life, and whichever way it goes, I'll have you to thank for it. I hope that you're correct about this."
"I am."
"Ah, but you can't go getting a man's hopes up when there's a chance that--"
"You're wasting time."
The look on Dorian's face was almost fond, and he allowed Cole to push him toward the stairs, attention swiftly redirecting toward his own swirling thoughts. Cole waited until Dorian had turned the corner before curling up in the recently vacated chair, the barest hint of a pleased smile on his lips.
~~~~~~~
He had intended to slip out again unnoticed.
He kept forgetting that he was more visible, now. And people remembered.
Of all people, Solas would remember him.
The elf was waiting for him when he descended the staircase, expression nearly unreadable, emotions so soft that they seemed fuzzy, even to Cole.
"You're happy, then? Like this?"
"Yes." The response had been instantaneous and had surprised even Cole himself. After taking a moment to think about it again, he added, "I think so. It feels like I am."
"I'm glad." And Solas reached out to him with one hand, fingers wrapping gently around Cole's forearm.
The touch was welcome, but it felt incomplete. Cole wondered then if Solas knew how to hug. He'd never seen the elf hug anyone before, and if there was even a chance that Solas didn't… Cole wasn't going to take that chance. Cole didn't ask, instead stepping forward and embracing the mage in one fluid movement. After a moment, he let go with a soft, "Thank you."
Solas watched him go, thinking about how very natural, how very not wrong that had felt.
~~~~~~~
The trip back to the tavern was quick, and it wasn't five seconds after slipping through the door that Cole felt a strong arm around his waist, tugging him close.
"Evening, Cole. Come to get some more practice in?"
In lieu of an answer, Cole's eyes widened. "You remember me?"
Krem laughed warmly, as warm as the arm that steered Cole toward a very familiar bench. "Course I remember you. Can't make an entrance like that and expect anyone to forget it anytime soon."
Krem hadn't asked to hug him, but Cole decided that he didn't mind at all. Maybe that was how it was, the second time. Maybe you didn't have to ask anymore. He wrapped his own arm about Krem's waist, letting his hand rest on Krem's hip, and the Chargers didn't protest at all when the pair sat down, easily making room for them.
When Krem's only reaction to Cole leaning their heads together was to remove the hat before nudging the boy's head back down, Cole thought he could get used to this. Being warm, and safe, and happy in someone else's arms. He could understand now, what the Inquisitor had been yearning for.
It was wonderful.