Chapter Text
The now
Hailey tightens the straps of her backpack as she makes her way off of the plane's sky bridge, the noise of the busy gate greeting her the moment she exits. The terminal is crowded. With how big the O’hare airport actually is, it always surprises her that it gets like this. Everyone around her is in a hurry. Speeding along the moving sidewalks, hoping they make it to their gates on time.
She is not in a hurry, though. The very last thing she wants to do is leave the safety of the airport. It has been over five years since she originally left Chicago, the place she made a home with him and despite how much she has changed, each time she returns, everything here seems to remain the same.
She doesn’t want to be here. Well, that isn’t true, she does, but the memories tied to this place are too great, too painful to bear. All she needs to do is make it through today. Her flight out is tomorrow morning.
The quickest way out of all this would be to get an Uber but she needs the extra time that taking the train will provide. Time to get her mind clear and in the right space. With each step, her feet feel heavier and heavier, her mind fighting to stay here in the now and not go back to before .
She will always come back. She loved him too much to forget about him completely, but she still has not reached the point where all she has are the good memories. Each year she returns, it hurts just as much as it did when it happened.
It’s early yet, the train traveling back towards the city with hardly any passengers. She has the entire passenger car to herself for nearly half the ride before another person joins her. She wonders if they can see the anguish that weighs her down. Can they see the devastation in her eyes, the way that her breath hitches a little more with every stop that carries them closer to her destination?
Western. Damon .
Her palms get a little sweaty.
Division. Chicago.
Trembling hands grip the straps of her backpack to hide her suffering.
Grand. Clark/Lake.
The next stop is hers and she closes her eyes, digging deep for the strength she needs to get through this.
Washington .
This is it. For a moment, she wonders what would happen if she just kept going. What would happen if she stayed on the train until it looped back around to the airport? Would he forgive her? Would he understand?
In the end, she isn’t willing to find out. She hoists her backpack onto her shoulders and steps off the train onto the platform. Something prickles in the back of her mind, a memory from another lifetime, one she pushes away, unable to stand the emotions that would come with it.
She’s so close. Her feet move on autopilot now. The years melting away as she turns onto W Randolph street towards the lake. The wind wraps around her like an old familiar friend, her body welcoming the rush of air. That part she loves. He’d loved it too.
The winding bridge lined with gleaming metal was another favorite of theirs. Her phone is full of photos on this bridge. Smiling faces and green eyes dominate the camera roll. She misses him, them.
A left off the bottom of the bridge carries her away from the water, a small stone pathway leading to a lone grove of trees. A simple wooden fence surrounds the trees, sectioning this place off from the rest of the park. It’s not meant for the tourists or the people of this city here for the day. This was a sacred place. A place forged in both grief and love. A way for a loved one to live on forever.
Out of all the decisions that came before his death, deciding to plant a tree in soil that held his ashes had been the easiest one she made. The idea of him being tucked away, confined in a box forever was something she couldn’t fathom. He loved the wind and the sun. He loved the water and the leaves in the fall. Here, he could have it all.
Lowering her backpack, Hailey pulls a dark green blanket out, spreading it on the ground next to the tree. Her fingers reach out to touch the simple copper plaque tacked to the trunk.
Joseph Patrick Halstead
5.29.2009 - 4.16.2014
“Hi, baby boy.” Her fingers grasp the little dinosaur in her pocket. “I’m sorry I haven’t been here to see you.” Her throat tightens, tears welling up but she shoves the heel of her palms against her eyes to stop them from falling. She hasn't let a single tear fall since the day her son passed. The tears had only made her feel empty, alone.
Today was always going to be a hard day. Today marked the day that the world was without her son, longer than they had him.
At barely seven in the morning, Jay easily finds a parking spot down by the Yacht Club. Letting out a weighted sigh, he steps down from the truck, the wind immediately finding its way under the collar of his jacket. He wonders if there will ever be a time when the wind won’t make him think of bright red kites, tousled hair, and a giggle that was so bright and pure that it likely gave hundreds of fairies their wings.
Today was not a day he was looking forward to. He had taken it off, unsure of how he was going to react when it finally hit. His little boy had been taken from them much too soon. It was a cruelty of the highest kind for a parent to outlive their child.
I miss you, little guy.
In an effort to stop his thoughts from going too dark, Jay pictures his son's smiling face. White blonde hair that was downy soft, from Hailey. A swipe of freckles across his nose, from him. The clearest green eyes he'd ever seen. He was perfect. The best of both of them. No matter what anyone said after Joseph died, at least he could say that he did one thing right.
He takes his time crossing the street into the park. Normally it’s overrun with tourists who aren’t paying attention but he’s the only one in the crosswalk. There’s two paths he could choose from once on the other side. The left would take him past the playground, a giant pirate ship that his son had captained many times, or right, towards the bridge and the gardens, to Joseph.
For some reason, he feels like he needs to go to the right. Like he’d miss something if he didn’t. His feet carry him towards the path without thought. Both paths would take him to the trees, but there’s a sudden need to get there quickly. He couldn’t explain the need if he tried.
The park passes by in a blur as he hurries along the path, picking up his speed until he is nearly jogging, no idea what he’s running to. When he reaches the top of the small hill, the fenced off section of trees coming into view, he nearly stumbles.
“Hailey…” Her name leaves his lips without a sound, his eyes drinking her in. He’d recognize that blonde ponytail anywhere. He should have known she’d show up today. She comes back every year on his birthday and while it isn’t a birthday, today was a milestone neither one could have predicted when their son was born.
He lets her be, even though he’d give anything to just hold her in his arms again. He wasn’t part of her life anymore.
From where he’s standing, he can tell that she’s fighting against her emotions. Every bone in his body urging him to go to her, to ease her pain but the fear of rejection he knows all too well, roots him to his spot. When they lost Joseph, Jay had lost Hailey too. He’d thought it was just part of her grieving process but the days she was gone turned into weeks, then months. He’d lost everything.
His fingers flex, his body warring with his mind, forcing Jay to shove his hands into his jacket pockets to stop from reaching for her. This was what he had now. Fleeting moments with her. Sometimes they were seconds, sometimes minutes, where he stood and watched unnoticed by her from the outside. She was the love of his life, always would be.
The authors and the romantics were wrong though…love didn’t conquer all. Sometimes it made things worse.
“You’re all I have left…” That was the last time he spoke to her. She disappeared the next day, leaving behind a note that just said she was sorry, that she couldn’t stay. And so he stays here for a moment longer, remembering who they used to be before. He could wait. He could give her this time with their son, because if nothing else, she loved Joseph just as much as he did.
Before he can change his mind, Jay turns away, burning the image of Hailey into his mind. He takes his time on the walk back towards the lake. Joseph loved the lake too. He loved to watch the yachts out on the water.
The wind is wilder out here, forcing Jay to stay in the center of the pier. If he tries hard enough, maybe he can get lost in a memory from when things were good. When it was the three of them against the world. Before his life burned around him.
The before
“Daddy.” Jay barely has time to turn his head before a pudgy hand smacks him right in the face.
“Hey, little man.” Rolling carefully to his side, Jay tucks his son under the covers between him and Hailey. If he’s lucky, he could fall back asleep.
“You sleepn’?” Joseph, Hailey and Jay's four old son, asks in a voice that is anything but the intended whisper he tries for.
“At the moment? No little man. But mommy still is.” It was Saturday morning which meant it was one of the two days that they all could sleep in, but Joseph had other plans.
“We could wake her up. You said we could go to the park today.” Joseph wriggles out of his dad's arms, sitting up. “It’s time to go.”
“Listen here, you little monster, we will go to the park, but right now, we should still be asleep.” With a quick tug on a tiny leg, Jay situates his son once again under the covers, thinking the conversation was closed.
Jay barely manages to squash the laugh that wants to escape when Joseph rolls over again, propping his head on his hand, clearly not done. It’s a move he’s seen Hailey do a thousand times, usually right before she wins an argument.
“But it’s today and we’re awake and you promised.” He whines, tiny lips form a pout that Jay almost never says no to. The pout, the wide eyes…he’s completely wrapped around this kid's finger and he doesn’t even care.
“10 minutes.” Rolling them both over to the far side of the bed, Jay sets his son down, telling him to brush his teeth and hair and then get socks and shoes. He does the same thing, pulling on a shirt as he walks out of the closet with his own shoes in hand.
“You know…one day, you’re gonna have to learn to say no to him.” Hailey mumbles out, her sleep riddled voice pulling a smile from Jay. The bed dips, her body rolling towards him slightly when he sits, his hand pushing her messy hair away from her face as he smiles down at her.
“He wasn’t really wrong…I mean, we are up and I did promise.” Just before he stands, Jay drops a kiss to the smooth skin of her shoulder, pulling back before his lips get the chance to roam. “Plus, we decided that you were the ‘no’ guy and I was the ‘yes’ guy.” Her huff of annoyance draws a chuckle from him, his body springing from the bed before her hand can smack him.
“No, Jay. You decided that on your own. Ugh…give me 15 minutes and I can come with you guys.” She starts to sit up but Jay presses her back down.
“Stay. Go back to sleep. Come find us when you wake up, okay?” He doesn’t get far before Hailey grabs his arm, pulling him back down to the bed. He manages to catch his upper body on his elbows, but his lower half crashes into her. A groan of frustration leaves his lips because her body is soft and warm under him and he knows exactly what he’d be doing this morning if their son hadn’t woken them up. By his count, he figures he still has a few minutes before Joseph starts to wonder where he is and he isn’t going to waste a second of it.
“No, no, no…” Hailey drags her hands up his back and around to his chest, fingers playing there, a smile of pure contentment mixed with mischief playing at her mouth. “You said yes to the park, so it’s a no for this.” She shoves him away, catching his lips one last time as she whispers she loves him.
“Well played, Halstead. Well played.” He stops at the doorway, leaning against it as he turns back to her. “I love you too, see you in a little.”
the now
He remembers the train ride to the park that morning, his son practically bouncing the entire way. They’d spent the whole day down at the water, watching the boats. Things had been so easy and simple back then. His life was full of love, he’d never been happier and while sometimes the memories are painful, he’s glad for all of them. Grateful for every single moment he had with his son and with Hailey.
A particularly harsh gust of wind has him popping the collar of his jacket higher, his shoulders hunching against the icy air off the lake. The thought of a cup of coffee from one of the vendors isn’t really an appealing one, but at least it would be something warm against the bitter April cold. With his decision made, Jay starts down the pier, only to stop short at the sight of her.
If it weren’t for the color in her cheeks from the wind, Jay would swear he was looking at a ghost. Her hair lifts and falls with the air as it moves around them reminding him of the feel of it in his hands. He can’t remember the last time he was this close to her, his eyes unable to do anything but take stock of her. Does he look the same to her?
Despite the years and the trauma between them, she looks exactly the same. Maybe her hair is a little longer, a little blonder. She works in Virginia now, probably spends her free time at the ocean.
How long was acceptable to stand here? Should he say something to her? Ask her how she is? Ask her if she ever thinks about him? There had always been an ease to their relationship, even before they got married, but they were far from those people now.
Hailey’s eyes start to fill as she looks up at him, partially from the wind, but mostly because of the loneliness she feels. This was the man she loved and shared a child with yet he was looking at her like he didn’t even know her. She’s the only one to blame.
Jay watches her lower lip tremble, her throat fixing to say something and he suddenly has no desire to be here with her at all. He doesn’t want to hear whatever it is she’s about to say to him. No apologies, no explanations. Not here, not now. It’s five years too late. Today was about Joseph, she shut him out a long time ago.
“It’s good to see you, Hailey.” He steps around her, hating how easily the lie had slipped from his mouth. It was in fact, not good to see her. It hurt, threatening to break him. Seeing her and being that close to her after all this time destroyed him and he knows that if he looked back now, the utter devastation on her face would wreck him completely.
The breath she sucks in does little to steady her. Was this what he felt when she left? Did everything inside of him shatter after he read her note? What had she done?
Her legs threaten to give out, arms folding across her stomach, trying to squeeze away the pain. And then the worst happens. She breaks. The tears spill over, her chest constricting painfully, pitiful sobs breaking free.
He’s right there, his retreating back still visible but she can’t call out to him, not sure she would if she could. This is what she deserves. Maybe someday he’d forgive her, but that day wasn’t today.
It wasn’t now.