Chapter Text
Octavia and Lincoln were completing their usual daily spar when they were both distracted by the bellow across the courtyard. Bellamy was yelling in frustration at a cadet who looked like he was a step away from breaking down and crying. It was not the first time that Lincoln and Octavia had been disturbed by Bellamy as he ran training every other morning, it wasn’t the second, third or even fourth time that day let alone that week.
Bellamy was and had taken to a leadership role in Ark society like a duck to water. He was charismatic and even charming when he needed to be. Not to mention a war hero now, he had been crucial to the reclamation of the 44 from Mount Weather and his rallying of the 100 in the first 29 days that the 100 had been on the ground. Bellamy was an expert at managing people to many people’s surprise. He knew when to push, when to censure and when to praise. No one took his seemingly short tempered approach to training as out of the ordinary, no one except Octavia.
Octavia knew her brother, more than he knew himself she would swear to anyone who asked. Bellamy was a combination of sad, angry and resigned. And Octavia knew why even if she didn’t really want to admit it.
Lincoln cleared his throat pointedly and glanced between brother and sister before taking his stance again and motioning for her to attack again. He knew, and he knew Octavia knew that Bellamy was taking out his frustration over the continuing absence of Clarke Griffin from the still unfortunately named Camp Jaha on the cadets.
(The remaining 100 had made it clear that as far as they were concerned the camp was named after Wells Jaha, not his ever shady and thankfully still AWOL father, and that was the only reason they were not making a fuss.)
Clarke Griffin had left the camp 73 days ago and hadn’t been seen in the surrounding 20-30 miles since. Bellamy had checked the Drop Ship, the bunker, even risked a trip to still in reconstruction Tondc, and yet nothing.
To anyone who asked Bellamy insisted Clarke would come back when she was feeling better. Some had asked what she had to feel better about but he had ignored these questions or brushed them away with a redirection and continued about his day. Every other day he took cadet training over from Kane who he had found a balance with and his temper came back with a vengeance. It gave him an excuse to pour all his feelings out on people who at least deserved it a little.
Octavia was still ignoring her boyfriend watching her brother as he impatiently taught the cadets how to throw an assailant over their hip. Using one of them as a teaching tool he sent the young man crashing onto his back with a smack that Octavia could hear on the other side of the courtyard.
“You know why he is acting that way” Lincoln said slowly standing tall. To those who didn’t know him he sounded as he always did. But to Octavia, she had to fight a blush as she heard the unspoken frustration. Lincoln and she had had fights, well fights for them, about her frustration with Clarke and her actions that Octavia had taken exception to. That coupled with the screaming fights with her brother had taught Octavia a harsh lesson about leadership, and how much it sucked. Lincoln had made her step into Clarke’s shoes and Bellamy had just worn her down. She would never be 100% ok with what Clarke had done but that was the point, Bellamy had explained to her that Clarke wasn’t happy with her decisions either. That was the problem.
“Octavia” Lincoln tried to interrupt her contemplation of her brother, her eyes glazed over in thought.
“Grab our packs” she finally came to a decision turning to him.
Following her train of thought easily Lincoln actually grinned before heading off for their shared tent that they lived in on the outskirts of the camp, both members of society and clear outsiders at the same time.
“I’ll meet you at Ravens Gate” Octavia called after him and broke away determinedly striding off to Engineering/Chemistry lab.
The space was now shared between Raven, Wick, Monty and Jasper. Jasper had good days and bad days, Bellamy’s explanation of exactly what had happened in the control room had helped his relationships with his ‘100 family’ but it didn’t stop the days where the weight of Maya’s death still weighed on him.
“I need a radio” she announced to the four occupants of the cluttered room on entry.
“Why?” Raven asked without looking up from whatever she was building on the table.
“So I can radio people” Octavia drawled in response sarcastically, laughing aloud as it made Raven actually look up at her. “I’m going after Clarke” she continued with no hesitation. Her statement making everyone drop what they were doing with varying levels of care to crowd around her.
“Clarke?” Jasper repeated slowly with a carefully blank expression Octavia could not interpret.
“Really?” Monty had desperately asked at the same time “are you really going after her?”
“We need her back” Octavia insisted reaching out to give his shoulder a gentle squeeze in comfort.
“I’m coming with you” Monty and Raven spoke simultaneously glancing at each other fondly.
“No you’re not” Octavia apologised “Bellamy cannot know where I’ve gone and if we all disappear from camp even he will notice. Me and Lincoln are going to go on a ‘hunting trip’.”
“How will that work?” Wick asked hovering in the background “you have no idea how long you will be gone, you have no idea where Clarke would have even gone! You disappear for as long as her and your brother WILL notice.”
“Hence the radio” Octavia replied mockingly slowly. Making Monty and even Jasper smile.
“I will get it now” Raven limped off as fast as she could and returned passing it over. “You just bring her home.”
Moved by the desperate plea in Raven’s eyes Octavia pulled her into a tight hug that Monty and Jasper quickly turned into a group hug before leaving without another word.
&&&&&&&&&&&
Clarke released the rabbit from the snare and set about stripping and butchering it to string it up over the small fire she maintained at her all but permanent camp site it sat at the mouth of the cave system she had found a few weeks. Sandy floored and with a bend towards the back that kept the wind from whistling down it and making her cold on windy nights it had been a little haven for her in her self-imposed exile.
She couldn’t tell you how far she was from Camp Jaha, she had wandered a lot the first month she had left, winding her way through radiation soaked forest hunting and gathering as she went not really fixing in on any particular spot. Her feet had taken her back into the mountains, away from grounder villages she knew existed and the capital. Out here on the outskirts she had found other settlements of varying success, some that knew the Alliance maintained by Lexa and others who claimed independence and kept it by various means.
Her cave was a few miles above one of the later such villages. As a producer of cereal grain and weaving it managed to stay away from the Alliance by offering them goods in return for peace. They had been informed by the grape vine of what Clarke had done in Mount Weather. The girl had become somewhat of a legend much to her chagrin. At first they had been scared to have such a war hero living near them but after Clarke had helped a child of the village with an injury they had accepted her presence and even taken to leaving her caches of goods where she might come across them in her hunting.
Turning the rabbit over she sat in the silence that made up her life now. While she seemed to have taken a vow of silence her mind still raced behind her calm eyes, continuingly tripping over what she had done in the 51 days she had spent on earth, what she had failed to do in stopping the missile, how she failed in saving all of the 48, how she had left them all and how she had left Bellamy and Monty to bear the burden of telling them all that she was leaving.
She had been a coward, she should have had the courage to tell them all that she was leaving rather than disappearing. That was a slippery slope though. She knew she shouldn’t start “what if’ing” herself because it would never end. Her regrets outweighed her ‘successes’ and there was nothing she could do about it.
Clarke shook her head determinedly and turned her attention back to her dinner the rabbit cooked through with some roots left for her by the villagers stemmed her hunger before she banked the fire and rolled herself tightly in a blanket shutting her eyes to the world, but fell asleep too slowly for her liking.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
The next day she was sitting by the fire stripping rabbits again when voices waved their way up to her from the forest that had her coming to her feet and pulling her knife out protectively in front of her. Her knife dropped to her side though as two very familiar people came into view.
“Octavia? Lincoln?” she croaked in her unused voice worriedly. “What’s wrong?” she demanded trying to clear her throat with a swig of water.
“Other than you running away?” Octavia demanded stomping angrily up to Clarke, seeing the blonde had brought frustration rushing through her body and Octavia was not good at thinking her emotions through before acting on them.
“I told Bellamy and Monty!” Clarke insisted sagging in relief. “I don’t think it is running away when people know you are leaving.”
Lincoln rolled his eyes at Octavia and Clarke squaring up to undoubtedly fight and stepped quickly in between them to greet Clarke. To her surprise he greeted her as he would have a clan member, grasping her arms and pressing his head against hers.
“Well seen Clarke Skai Kru” he murmured to her making her eyes unexpectedly fill with tears that had him pulling her into his chest and letting her cry.
Octavia was stunned into silence. Clarke was the epitome of strength and while she knew that Lincoln and Clarke had saved each other’s lives she had no idea that there was this sort of bond between them.
Lincoln manoeuvred Clarke and him onto the floor and held her close as she did what she hadn’t allowed herself to do in so long. Tears poured from her eyes in heaving silent sobs as she buried herself into Lincolns shoulder and let his silent comfort do what no one else could do. Comfort without judgment.
Lincoln’s silent support to the blonde in his arms effectively stripped Octavia of her anger. She had never seen Clarke cry, had never thought she COULD cry. Clarke had always shown such strength in everything that had been asked of her. This was the first time that Octavia had seen what it cost Clarke to be the leader that her people had needed. Ruthless and cold-blooded where the hard choice had to be made and warm and comforting when they needed healing be it of the body or the soul.
Cried out Clarke let herself enjoy the comfort of Lincoln’s unreserved judgment for a little bit longer before pulling back and weakly smiling at him.
“Sorry about that” she wiped at her eyes quickly before looking over at Octavia.
“About what?” the man drawled with a dangerous glint in his eye that persuaded Clarke to not even bother trying to explain herself.
“You need to come home, Clarke” Octavia brought attention back to her with her gentle plea. “We need you.”
“No, no you don’t” Clarke felt her eyes inexplicably fill with tears again. “No one needs me. I’m a monster. God Octavia! You hate me for what I did, I get that. But it’s nowhere near how much I hate myself.” She buried her head back into her hands and let the tears fall again unchecked. “I’m so sorry” she sobbed over and over again. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”
Octavia couldn’t take it anymore and got to her knees to shuffle over and drag the practically hyper ventilating girl into her arms. Shushing her and holding her as tightly as she could to reassure her that she wasn’t alone, and Octavia didn’t hate her. Clarke let herself be held by her friend and rocked reassuringly not even realising when her eyes fell shut for the last time. She was exhausted and had held herself tense for so long now that to have friends be there for her had her body relaxing almost against her will.
Octavia continued to hold the girl as she slept still stunned by the Clarke that she and Lincoln had found. It had taken longer than she had wanted to find a trace of Clarke, with some rumour chasing and some assumptions about Clarke’s feelings they had tracked the girl down over an almost 3 week period. The radio had stopped working a few days ago distance from the camp plus the mountains were stopping the signal getting through and Octavia was worried about how Bellamy was going to be reacting to the radio silence. They had covered their absence by saying they were going to the coast but Octavia was not sure that as an excuse it would hold up for much longer.
“We need to get back to camp soon” Octavia whispered manoeuvring Clarke to lie with her head in her lap. “Bellamy is going to be going crazy and he won’t be using training as an excuse.”
Lincoln nodded in agreement and pulled the left over rabbits over to him and continued prepping them. “Clarke is very tired, going back,even directly, will be slow. Not to mention that we need to convince her still.”
“That will not be as difficult as you think.” Octavia flashed a grin at Lincoln quickly before smoothing back Clarke’s hair and settling herself as comfortably as she could with Clarke asleep on her lap.
Only a few hours later Clarke blinked herself awake and without lifting her head from the soft pillow of Octavia’s pack watched the couple move around her neat little camp packing for her she noticed with wry amusement.
“I’m pretty sure that I said I was against going back” she alerted them to her woken state before pulling herself up to sit cross legged in front of the fire.
“It’s funny how you thought I would listen” Octavia grinned at her unmercifully smug before letting a more serious expression take its place. “We need you to come back” she moved over to sit down in front of Clarke. “I wouldn’t just say that” she insisted as Clarke’s expression got mutinous and stubborn. “I know that you and me did not have a great parting 3 months ago but Clarke I understand a little better now. But more than that, Clarke I need you to come back for Bellamy.”
“Bellamy? Why? You said nothing was wrong!” Clarke heart leapt into her throat at the idea that Bellamy was in trouble again.
“His pain is emotional” Lincoln informed her gravelly. “Physically he is stronger than ever, testament to his growing training regime I would....”
“Bellamy needs you, Clarke!” Octavia interrupted Lincoln with a glare at him. “He needs his partner, his co-leader, and more importantly... He needs his friend. Clarke, you have no idea what place you have in Bellamy’s life but I am here telling you that it is more important that you know and I need you to come home because he needs you and I need my brother to be, well...him again. And without you? He seems to be doing ok to people who don’t know him but if anyone talks to him about you? My heart breaks at his expression. He told me what you said to him when you went to check out that emergency bunker that time. You know how you forgave him? Do you know you were the first person outside of our family to believe in him that way? Clarke, he needs you” she stressed again. “Please come home with us.”
“Ok”