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“You know, there’s only so many things a gal can do to get noticed around here,” Harley said.
“Around here?” Cass asked, looking around. They were sitting on a park bench, in broad daylight, drinking milkshakes (as you do).
It was early enough in the afternoon that some people were off work and enjoying the day, but the workday had not yet officially ended. Not that the work week meant all that much when you were Harley Quinn’s apprentice.
“Well sure, why not? There are people here, right? And if you’re doin’ something interesting then that can be a great conversation starter!”
“Doing something interesting? Such as what?” Cass asked.
“Such as not having a bratty kid around for one thing,” Harley said under her breath.
Cass gave her a raised eyebrow.
“Listen, I love you sport, but you’re kinda makin’ me date-repellent right now,” Harley said, “it ain’t nothin’ personal, but no guy and very few gals wanna sleep with ya if you got a kid around.”
“Have you ever tried, like, online dating? Ok-Cupid?”
“No, no, trust me kid, you don’t want to go through that online datin’ bullcrap. I can meet enough self-obsessed psychos during my day job, thank you very much.”
“You’re sure it’s not just your…personality?”
“Well, that too,” Harley noted, “although you’d be surprised. There’ve been a lot of people who turned up their noses at me only to try and get into my pants later.”
Now Cass was interested.
“Does Joker, or whatever you call him, count in this equation?”
“What, him? No, I don’t think he gave a damn in the first place. I was always a career move for him.”
“A career move? Harley, we don’t have a career; your weirdo ex-boyfriend has even less of a career.”
“No, I’m serious! Listen, being a crimeboss is a lot like bein’ a politician; you gotta say the right things, make the right connections. And to a certain extent the boss has got to have a ladyfriend.”
“Roman Sionis never had a ladyfriend,” Cass pointed out.
“And you wonder why he failed,” Harley said, “no, the point is that having a partner around shows people that you’re personable, that at least one person in the world is willing to put up with you.”
“So, you’re not lookin’ for a date because you’re actually lonely? You just want to look good for your career?”
“What? No!” Harley said, slurping on her milkshake, “I’m only tellin’ you what a sociopath would do if you wanted to be successful! The, um, ideal situation if you’ll follow my logic. As for me, I’m lookin’ for something with a little more substance—although I wouldn’t pass up a good hanky-panky if it came up natural.”
“Oh god,” Cass said, almost wanting to shut her ears. How had she ever agreed to be this woman’s apprentice? At any rate, Harley rambled on, and Cass did her best to try not to listen. Just as a habit she looked off into the distance, where she saw a red-haired lady walking in a very business-woman way on the other end of the park. “Hey Harley, what about her?”
“What about who? I can’t see nobody!” Harley said, before grabbing a pair of binoculars out of her purse and looking in the general direction Cass pointed to. “Oh no…”
“ ‘Oh no’?” Cass asked, “you gotta be kidding me. I thought we were all done with your grievance-ridden acquaintances?”
“We are kid, but this one’s no acquaintance! That’s my ex!”
“I thought the green-haired guy with the white makeup and the eyeliner was your ex?”
“Not him!” Harley said dismissively, “The other one! I have more than one ex, thank you very much. Though for your sake, kid, I hope your list ends up being shorter than mine.”
“Well, what’s her grievance?”
Before Harley could answer her, the red-haired woman had already spotted them, and was heading in their direction with a less-than-pleased expression on her face.
“We gotta get out of here,” Harley said.
“Harleen Quinzel!” The woman shouted from across the park before either of them had time to react. Cass almost did a spit take.
“That’s your name?” Cass asked.
“Wait ‘till you hear hers.” Harley said, before getting upended by a pair of vines worming their way around her feet. Harley tried to kick them away, but it was no use; with every resistance, they pulled tighter, and the woman controlling them came ever closer. With a sudden jerk, the vines whipped Harley up and left her hanging by her ankles.
“You have a lot of nerve to show up here of all places,” the woman said.
“Seriously?” Cass said, “I’ve had enough of these crazy people following you around. I’m out!”
“You’re calling me crazy? Ha!” the woman said. Cass turned to leave, but her feet were soon chased by another vine. “Just where do you think you’re going? I don’t mind leaving Harley all tied up here for the moment—I’ll have you know she even likes it—but I have no quarrel with you, whoever you are. It would be a shame if I had to give you the same treatment as this one over here.”
“I’ll be good!” Cass announced, arms stone still against her sides.
“Good,” the woman said, “then we can talk.”
“Can I just ask one more question?” Cass squeaked, raising her hand. She was met with side-eye by both women. “Who are you?”
“Oh, she hasn’t mentioned me?” the woman said, hands on her hips, “well, you can call me—”
Name: Pamela Isley AKA Poison Ivy
Grievance: Dumped by Harley Quinn
“Honestly, that doesn’t sound so bad,” Cass interrupted, “people get dumped all the time.”
Ivy’s glare lingered.
“Uh, listen here kid, maybe you should go skedaddle while the adults do the talking?” Harley said.
“No, no,” Ivy said, “she should hear this. I’d hate for her to develop an unhealthy belief in your infallibility. Now, why don’t you tell her what you did?”
Harley gulped, then turned toward Cass.
“Okay, okay! It wasn’t just that I dumped her; I blew her off a couple times, and then I ghosted her. That was after, what, about eight months of dating?”
“Oof, that is kinda harsh,” Cass said.
“And you didn’t even have the guts to tell me why,” Ivy said in a disappointed tone, “why? So you could go back to him?”
“Mista J and I are kaput,” Harley said, “honest to god, I swear.”
Ivy turned to Cass, hoping she could corroborate the story.
“It’s true,” Cass shrugged, “they’ve been over for months now. Heck, I don’t even know what the guy looks like.”
“Huh,” Ivy said, doing the very best she could to hide the fact she was impressed. She tiptoed even closer to where Harley was hanging and crouched down to get closer to her head.
Even upside-down, Harley could tell that she was pissed. Ivy held onto her chin and asked in a soft voice:
“But I’d still like to know the reason, if you don’t mind me asking?”
Unfortunately for me, there were many possible answers to this question.
“Now, that’s a toughie, Red, ‘cause there’s lots o’ reasons an’ I don’t think you’d particularly care to hear ‘em.”
“You’ve already broken my heart. You might find yourself with some broken ankles if you don’t keep talking.”
Harley sighed.
“Look, Red, for one thing, I had this little, tiny, maybe slightly irrational belief that Joker was gonna come after you.”
“Duly noted,” Ivy said, “but I can take care of myself. You know me well enough for that.”
Harley sighed again.
“Alright, I’ll tell you the truth. No more moanin’ and groanin’… Truth is, Red, you were too good to me, in a lotta ways. When a gal like me comes right off a bad relationship, she expects a certain level of jackassery. But more importantly… I was doin’ it for your own good, Red! You got a whole shitkickin’ career ahead of you without me tying you down. I was ruinin’ your life! Takin’ up space in your apartment and all that. You didn’t seem to want to admit I was a bad influence, so I took matters into my own hands. Can you blame me?”
Ivy looked at her flatly.
“But you’re willing to take in a kid?”
Harley looked over to Cass and shrugged.
“She ain’t got nobody else, Red, and besides, everybody in our line of work needs a traumatic childhood, right?”
Ivy covered her mouth to suppress a chuckle.
“You sure are a piece of work,” Ivy said with a smile. She waved her hand and the vines binding Harley and Cass slackened their grip. Harley fell to the ground with a thud, and Ivy was the first one there to offer her a hand up. “There’s one thing you still don’t know about me, then.”
“Yeah,” Harley asked, “what is it?”
“I don’t have anyone else either,” Ivy muttered, somewhat sheepishly.
“Oh.” Harley said, dusting herself off, “well, in that case… whatcha say about picking up where we left off? I’m on probation right now, and so long as I don’t do nothin’ stupid in the meantime, I might be able to stay outta prison.”
Ivy sighed.
“Harl, I don’t want to say ‘no.’ In fact, I really, really want to say yes. But… we need to take it slow. I’ll think about it. Give me time to think about it. But, uh, let’s say it’s a possibility.”
“Okay,” Harley said, taking a deep breath, “well, a toast to possibilities, then!”
She gave Ivy a very deep hug, which was to Cass’s surprise equally reciprocated. Harley flung her arm around Ivy’s neck and turned to face them.
“Ugh, are we done here?” Cass complained, “I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.”
“That’ll be the last word out of you, little miss,” Harley said, “now, is everybody hungry? How about we grab some lunch?”
“Weren’t you just drinking a milkshake?” Ivy asked, shaking her head a little, “Oh, whatever. Sure. I need to stick around anyway and make sure you haven’t traumatized this poor little thing,” she said in reference to Cass.
“Then it’s a date!” Harley announced.
***
Of course, you all know I ended up doin’ something stupid anyway and ended up right back where I started.
Now, I know what you all are thinkin’: ‘Harley, you just abandoned her without a care in the world!’ No, I didn’t! I’m careless, sure, but I ain’t that irresponsible. No, I called in some favours and sent Ivy and Cass to stay with a very good friend of mine while I was away. Don’t get me wrong, I hated doing it, but when the Feds call, you ain’t got much of a choice.
Anyways, I hope they’re doin’ well. The asshats who captured me are sendin’ us to a place called Corto Maltese. Never heard of it, but here’s hoping it’s uneventful…
***
“Just so you guys know, this isn’t a permanent situation,” Deadshot said, looking into the rear-view mirror at his two less-than-thrilled passengers. They were heading down the highway in an ugly old minivan. Ivy hated it because it was a gas-guzzler; Deadshot hated it because he doubted the damn thing could get up to 80 miles an hour on a good day. And Cass hated it because, for all her faults, Harley had been way more fun to be around than these stone-faced friends of hers.
“ ‘Cause I don’t mind doing y’all a favour or nothin’,” Deadshot continued, “but I’ll let you know right now that I am not hauling your asses back here forever, got it?”
Ivy gave him a dry look.
“Just keep driving, okay?” she said. Deadshot rolled his eyes.
“Hey,” Cass asked, “where are we going anyway?”
“Florida,” Deadshot answered.
“Why the fuck are we going to Florida?” Ivy asked, “Harley didn’t say anything about that.”
“Because I’ve still got work to do,” Deadshot replied, “and unless you two can think of a better way of paying for this road trip, it’s the best way we’ve got to make a little cash. Capeesh?”
Ivy and Cass settled back into their seats, neither of them particularly happy with the development.
“Hey, so long as we’re going to Florida, can we go to Disneyworld?” Cass asked.
“No!” both Ivy and Deadshot answered at the same time. They gave each other surprised looks in response.
“It’s a capitalist hellhole,” Ivy said.
“It’s too damn expensive,” Deadshot added, “magic kingdom my ass. Hot dogs should not cost ten freaking dollars.”
Ivy settled back in her seat, having now developed a small grin on her face. Maybe this trip wouldn’t be as bad as she thought? She put a comforting arm around Cass’ shoulder for her assurance.
“Um,” she began, “I’m not really all that good with kids. But I’m going to try my best, okay? And besides, there are plenty of other fun things we can do while we wait for Harley to get back. You’re not going to die of boredom, or anything else for that matter, okay?”
“Okay,” Cass nodded enthusiastically, “maybe we can stop for ice cream then?”
“Ice cream it is then,” Ivy said, rubbing Cass’s hair.
We’ll make the most of it, Ivy promised to herself, and when Harley gets back, we’ll make up for lost time, too.