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Marinette couldn’t help feeling bad. She wasn’t doing anything bad per se. But she felt as if she was using Chat and she didn’t want to do it.
The thing was that too many sleepless nights took their toll eventually and she couldn’t afford to be in a bad shape with the threat of new akumas at every corner.
And sleeping with him helped. Like in actual sleeping. She couldn’t even think about this without blushing violently, so how was doing it so easy?
The first time had been an accident. Patrols in the hot June nights often ended with talks under the stars, about everything and nothing. She had been tired, she’d been listening to something Chat was telling and then just fell asleep.
She’d woken up hours later to find herself with her head in his lap. Everything hurt from sleeping on the hard rooftop but she still felt more refreshed than she’d been in a long time. She realised the reason for this was that her sleep had been largely untroubled. There was something about Chat’s presence, she’d realised as she watched him sleep with his back against the wall, neck at an uncomfortable angle.
He hadn’t woken her up even if it meant that he’d be even more uncomfortable than her. She’d smiled softly in the dim light as she watched his eyelids behind the black mask flutter as he dreamt of something invisible to her. He had looked surprisingly peaceful in his sleep.
Of course, she’d felt embarrassed about falling asleep on him, so she’d just left without waking him up. Then she’d felt even worse for doing this instead of thanking him and explaining to him why she was so tired.
But when she tried to apologise the next evening, he’d cut her off. It was alright, he’d insisted. As long as she needed to sleep and felt comfortable with him, he didn’t have a problem with it. Did she feel comfortable? She’d slept well so this was indicative, but she still felt too shy about this. So she’d promised it wouldn’t happen again.
It had happened again, too soon after that. This time she'd been forced to explain that it was nightmares that kept her up most nights, when she went to bed at all because of all the things she had to do.
Chat had been appalled, just as expected. But not because Paris wouldn’t be well protected if one part of the superhero duo didn’t get enough sleep. He’d been worried about her, making her promise him that she’d take better care of herself. His concern had touched her deeply and made her appreciate him even more.
So the next time it happened, she didn’t feel so bad about it. Nor did she mind when he offered to grab some blankets. She knew that when he was nearby she slept better than ever. It would be foolish to fight it. She had her personal dreamcatcher and he was more than happy to help her, so there was no point in denying herself this.
Once she felt better rested and didn’t have to fight off nightmares on a nightly basis, she could also notice how he was faring. She got curious. She would occasionally wake up by a bad dream and her restlessness woke him up as well. But she’d never once felt him stir.
“Don’t you have nightmares?” She asked one night when she woke him up again but he waved it off. She was amazed that he’d managed to avoid this very unpleasant side effect of their occupation. Was it because of his typically sunnier nature?
“Oh, I have plenty,” he said around a yawn. “But my nightmares are mostly about losing you. So as soon as I feel you here, I feel better. In fact, most of the time I don’t have them when you are with me.”
He said it as if it was the simplest thing and it made so much sense that she felt bad for not realising it sooner. Of course her nightmares about him were a thing as well, but they were almost always about her messing up, people betraying her, losing to Hawk Moth. She lived through the nightmare of losing Chat too often when she was awake, so her mind probably didn’t need to rehearse dealing with it that much.
Then again, he was always there to protect her. She didn’t think he’d been forced to go through the horror of losing her more than once or twice. Had it been enough or was the fear of it hypothetically happening strong enough to invade his dreams?
“Kitty?”
By this point, she didn’t care that they were basically cuddling on a random rooftop in Paris. He was more comfortable than the hard roof and when they were in physical contact it was different, she really felt calmer. It couldn’t hurt if he didn’t mind, right?
“Mm?” He sounded sleepy and she felt bad for keeping him up but she couldn’t get this out of her mind now.
“Why are you afraid of losing me? I have you. You always sacrifice yourself for me,” she said, as if this was a sufficient explanation why he didn’t need to worry.
At first, only his arm tightening around her was any indication that something was not right.
“I tried,” he said eventually, his voice too quiet even in the barely sturring night. “So many times. And every single one I failed. No matter how many times I turned back time, she got you every time. You just disappeared before my eyes.”
Marinette felt the goosebumps even under her suit. What he said, the way he said it, how haunted he sounded. It all brought back memories of how Adrien had looked after he’d used the Snake Miraculous, giving it back to her and claiming that he hadn’t been the right choice for it because he hadn’t managed to save her.
He’d looked so lost, so defeated then and she’d been stupid enough to think that he’ll just recover from this. Here he was instead, broken and tormented by memories she didn’t have. Her eyes filled with tears and a sob fell from her mouth, making him look at her, his eyes suddenly wide awake.
“Adrien,” she whispered. It was him. There was no other way.
“I’m sorry,” he said, letting go of her and sitting up. “I know you didn’t want to know. It just slipped,” he groaned, fingers raking his hair. “I’m such a failure.”
“No, no!” She cried out, his anguish making her ache for him. “You couldn’t be Chat and the Snake Miraculous holder at the same time, this is why you failed. We needed you as Chat and I didn’t know you couldn’t show up because you were already there. I wish you could have told me you already had a Miraculous,” she sighed. So much pain could have been avoided if they didn’t have to keep this a secret.
“I couldn’t,” he said. “And I wanted to impress you. I know, so stupid of me.” He snorted, but the sound was full of pain and self-pity.
No, she couldn't stand this.
“Hey, look at me,” she said, tugging on his arm. When he looked at her, the sadness in his eyes was almost too much. Tears threatened to overflow again as love and regret battled in her heart. She could have avoided that if they had known earlier.
She reached for him, a hand caressing his cheek. The transformation in him was instantaneous - he leaned into the touch and closed his eyes, the tension leaving his shoulders. It was that simple act of acceptance that did this. Something she should have done long ago.
“I was equally to blame, I’m sure. I could barely think straight with you there,” she admitted in a soft voice. His eyes opened instantly and he looked at her expectantly. She didn’t have anywhere to run and she was tired of running anyway. “I gave you that Miraculous because I wanted to spend time with you, the boy that I love. Yes, I also believed that you deserved it but I was most certainly not acting professionally.”
“This makes sense, actually,” he chuckled suddenly and the smile on his face warmed her heart.
“Did I do anything embarrassing?” She asked, mirroring his expression.
“No, but you were - hm, how did you put it? Less professional than usual.”
“Oh dear,” she groaned.
“It’s still no excuse. And it haunts my dreams every night - the fear that I will let you down,” he said, his eyes serious again.
“Neither of us is perfect. We both make mistakes. But as long as we help each other, we can overcome them,” she said for his ears as well as for hers. She tended to be too hard on herself. After all, they were practically kids with too many responsibilities. They needed to remind themselves that they were still learning and growing.
He nodded and the movement drew their attention to the fact that her hand was still cupping his cheek. Heat rushed to her face, but she didn’t take it back. There was no need for it.
In fact, she leaned closer and brushed his lips with hers. He made a sound of surprise but she felt an arm around her waist, pulling her closer.
“This is for all the times you tried,” she whispered, before kissing him again. “This is for you being you,” she said before another kiss. “This is because I love you.”
He didn’t let her say anything else, his lips eager against hers. There was no need for more anyway. The most important things had been said. Or maybe not.
"You aren't going to tell me your name?" He said afterwards. They weren't even trying to get back to sleep at this point although they knew they should.
"Oh. This," she giggled nervously.
"Don't worry. You don't have to. I can wait." It's not that she didn't want to. She'd just forgotten. "Besides, I already know it. Probably," he added with a smirk.
"Wait, you do?"
"Well, if I'm right, if we don't get back to sleep, we'll have one hell of a time in geography tomorrow at 8 in the morning."
There was something about the way he was looking at her. And of course the biggest hint of him knowing her school schedule.
"You know," she said, feeling the weight of hiding lifting off her shoulders as well.
"Yes, Marinette. You act more like yourself than you realise," he said affectionately, kissing the top of her head.
"Oh wow."
"Let's go back to sleep."
"I don't think I will be able to," she mumbled, still in awe.
"This is why I'm here, remember? To chase the bad dreams away and help you sleep."
She yawned as if on cue and he chuckled, pulling her into his arms again. And the thing was it worked. There, with his heartbeat in her ear, she fell asleep faster than ever.
Marinette knew that the nightmares wouldn’t go away at once, just because there were no more secrets between them. Maybe they would never go away completely. But as long as they had each other, the bad dreams and the fear would never hold the same power over them.