Archive of Our Own ^beta

When Pina expressed having some friends over for dinner, Riz didn’t think much about it.

It wasn’t until Pina invited Riz to stay and eat, did Riz feel a strange pressure fall upon him. Riz didn’t mind cooking for Pina’s friends, as Pina himself had no actual talent in cooking and Riz wanted to help in that area. Yet, Riz by nature of being a bear tended to be distant toward people he didn’t know. Luckily, for the most part, Pina and Riz tended to have the same friends and over the past few years, everyone had warmed up to Riz and Pina’s relationship.

Yet, when Pina mentioned these two new people by name, ‘San’ and ‘Kyuu’, Riz was confused. He was even more confused when he discovered these two were herbivores.

Given how things had gone up until this point in Riz’s life, he didn’t particularly trust nor like herbivores unless they were close to him. Els and Pina were unfortunately the only two herbivores Riz had grown comfortable around, simply because they were perhaps the only herbivores who didn’t discriminate toward him and other carnivores.

And Pina was pretty much in his own category of animal–he himself didn’t surround himself with herbivores in general, mostly because of how he grew up.  

So of course, Riz was confused when Pina mentioned that this, Kyuu and San, were a rabbit and alpaca-llama hybrid. The first one, he could deal with, the second one…sent shivers down his spine. The moment Pina had told him of his species, he’d instantly regretted it seeing how Riz recoiled.

“Shit! I’m sorry, I didn’t realize! Look Riz–you really don’t have to stay if you don’t want to!” Pina had said, and Riz was tempted to take his offer.

Yet, he was quick to push that possibility to the back burner.

For all Pina had done for him, and for all Pina would continue to do, Riz felt it would be rude to decline. More so, Riz needed to make a few more steps in his own journey. He had avoided herbivores, but specifically alpacas and llamas for obvious reasons. 

Maybe, meeting this ‘San’, would give him the closure he didn’t know he needed.

Riz would never forgive himself but he could attempt to move on in his own way. Besides, it’s not like San knew Tem. 

________

“So just a little more salt I guess?”  Pina hovered over a large pot, with bottle of salt locked in his hand. “We can never go wrong with too much salt.”

“Actually….” From where Riz was, he reached over to Pina and took the small bottle, hurriedly shuffling it away. “You can–with too much salt and seasoning Pina. When you said you wanted to help me cook, I didn’t expect you to be crouching in the corners and attempting to modify the meal.” He said it, but mostly jokingly. 

He knew that Pina sometimes grew overly confident when the two were cooking and usually, Riz would enjoy his adventurous attempts. Yet that night, the air was a bit more anxious to Riz, and he in a strange way wanted everything to be perfect.

Living with a herbivore, Riz knew meals that herbivores tended to go toward. They tended to be keen on any form of spice they could get their mouths on, as well as rare vegetables and foliage. He had seen Pina eat the food he’d prepared quickly and with no complaints. On top of that, Riz was also a restaurant owner–so he knew herbivores loved his food as they came all the time.

Still, he was cautious and doubtful. He wanted everything to be perfect.

“Well,” Pina stepped back from the stove. “I just want to help. You’re doing so much for me tonight. I…I know you don’t want to be here. After all, San is an alpaca. You are making dinner and staying–I feel really guilty. I really should’ve thought before asking–”

Riz held his hand up defensively after turning the stove down to simmer. He stopped Pina in his tracks, as the dall sheep gazed up at him. 

“Don’t beat yourself up. For all you do for me, sitting down for dinner…is easy. Besides, you wouldn’t be ‘you’, if you didn’t send my heart racing every five seconds.”

With that, Pina’s tail began to wag. 

Riz already anticipated his next reaction, so he opened his arms as Pina practically plummeted into him, and he held Pina in a tight embrace. Pina’s legs dangled from the ground as Riz lifted him, and truly, the two wanted to stay like that forever. Yet, a loud pound on the door caused them both to look toward that direction shocked. In response, Pina was quick to loosen himself from Riz’s grasp, jumping to the floor.

“That must be Kyuu!”

Riz wanted to inquire, and even chastise Pina for jumping the way he did. He could have hurt himself, yet Pina was already at the door, twisting and turning the knob until finally, he opened it. 

From where Riz stood in the kitchen, he could certainly see a duo. There was a very, very short rabbit who had her hand balled into a fist as if she was practically trying to punch down the door.

“Damn Kyuu, you were knocking like the police.” Pina remarked. 

That little rabbit was knocking that loud? Riz asked himself. 

“Well, you didn’t answer your text so I was sure you forgot. I thought you were asleep, and I know you don’t wake up for anything. Remember that time you slept through that robbery?” Kyuu practically walked underneath Pina and into the house, letting herself in.  She took some time to observe the living room and all the space there until her eyes inevitably drifted to the kitchen and then….Riz.

Riz felt himself stiffen at that; it had been ages since a herbivore he didn’t know stared at him this hard. Was she afraid, was she thinking of saying something about his size or about how terrifying he looked–

“Wow–you look like a giant toy. No wonder Pina keeps you around. You’d think he won you from the fair.”

Riz didn’t know what to say to that. His mouth only hung open awkwardly as the little rabbit continued to walk around until she was nowhere to be found. Riz supposed he should have followed her, and even introduced himself rather than staring like an idiot, yet, he was caught off guard when he heard another voice.

His green eyes drifted from the empty space Kyuu was previously in to the door way, where another, much larger herbivore stepped through the threshold. 

At that, Riz felt his chest tighten as he looked on ahead at who he presumed was the Alpaca, San. 

He didn’t look like Tem at all; he was much taller, his fur was a warm brown and less smooth than Tem’s. He also looked a lot more…sad…his eyes were deep brown, and seemed in a strange way tired. Riz felt he could connect there, as even his own eyes were distant and tired after his trials and ordeals. 

Yet, Riz’s thought process was cut short when this large Alpaca approached Pina. 

Riz had to take a breath. Pina was notoriously tall for a herbivore so it was rare for Riz to see other tall herbivores. While San was not taller than Pina, he was  by no means short. 

“It’s good to see you!” He spoke, in a cheerful voice.

He was quick to put his arms around an unsuspecting Pina, pulling him into an extremely tight embrace. Riz knew they hadn't seen each other for a while, so for the first thirty seconds or so of the hug, Riz didn’t pay any mind. Yet, this hug was particularly longer than most–and even the way San tended to move forward, and sway for a while as he embraced Pina caused Riz to raise an eyebrow. 

Riz found himself clearing his throat to ease the tension, yet regretted that instantly. 

The two broke apart, both with smiles on their faces. 

It was then, San’s soft warm eyes drifted upon Riz and in that moment, Riz felt his whole world freeze.

Yes, he had already gone over in his head that San and Tem were nothing alike yet, that amber gaze was always something that Riz had attributed to Tem. Those very eyes that looked as if the sun was always resting upon them had been something of Riz’s memory, now they were here, right in front of him again. As if Tem had come back from the dead. 

In that moment, Pina’s much appreciated voice seemed to ruin Riz’s train of thought. 

“San–this is my husband, Riz.” Pina took San’s hand and led him to Riz. “Riz, this is my childhood friend–San.”

Riz figured they were supposed to shake hands, but couldn’t bring himself to. So to his shock, he was caught off guard when San reached for his hand, shaking it for him. 

“It’s good to meet you. Pina’s told me so much about you.”

Riz exhaled as San held his hand. He expected it to be cold yet, San’s hand was warm and welcoming…just like Tem’s.

“Sorry…we didn’t stay too long at the wedding.” San drew his hand back, itching his head rather shamefully.

“You and Kyuu sure did take most of the food though.” Pina retorted.

They were…at our wedding… Riz wanted to ask, yet, he did remember them to an extent. Pina had planned the majority of the wedding–and well, it was a very unique ceremony. More so, Pina had planned it without telling Riz.  Those two were certainly there, but in the background and since then Riz hadn’t seen them, he didn’t even register San as an alpaca back then. He hadn’t heard of them either….not before then and certainly not after, not until recently.

Riz was again, brought back to the present with Pina’s voice.

“Where is Kyuu? She loves running around like she is some little kid. Let me go and find her!” To Riz’s fear, Pina actually moved past him, in his rampant search for Kyuu.

That said, for a brief  few seconds, San and Riz were practically alone. 

It was hard for Riz to make eye contact, yet, just as difficult for him not to. San, who seemed to wear a blank expression, had no problem locking his eyes with Riz. His gaze, though calm, was unnerving to Riz even more so because for the first few seconds, he refused to speak.

Riz could feel his heart beating out of his chest, as if the panic he had worked so hard to quell beforehand began to rise again. 

This was only heightened when finally, San did speak.

He scoffed a bit, his demeanor changing more than it already had since Pina had left. He was no longer the jubilant alpaca-llama hybrid who walked through the door. He almost seemed like a different person.

“Considering everything…you’re not what I expected.” San said dryly. 

Riz felt his heart drop at that statement and attempted to force himself to respond yet , he was cut off quickly when he heard running behind him. Turning around, he saw Kyuu and Pina down the hallway, playfully shoving one another as they approached the living room area.

“I found her–snooping around like a little troll.”

It was then, San’s whole tone changed. He seemed to lighten up, a smile on his face as he gazed upon Kyuu and Pina. 

“Where’s the food?” Kyuu asked abruptly, catching Riz off guard. She was standing behind him, looking back at his eyes, then strangely his tail. “I could never take bears seriously when they had tails like rabbits.” She randomly mentioned.

“Oh um…” Was all Riz could muster. Was his tail like a rabbits? Sure it was a puff ball—and even Pina had made fun of it, but was it truly like a rabbits?

“The foods in here!” Pina remarked, quickly leading everyone into the kitchen.

_____

It didn’t take the four long to get settled at the table. Well, the three herbivores, at first.

Riz was, of course, the last one, serving everyone and insisted that Pina sit at the table rather than helping him in the kitchen. Riz stayed by himself for sometime after he served the herbivores. Most of it was just him listening to their conversations, yet a large part of Riz needed to catch his breath. 

San’s comment and presence still weighed heavy upon Riz’s heart, and it made the air almost unbearable. 

He didn’t know if  San knew of his past, if Pina had told him, or if San was simply being a typical herbivore. It didn’t matter to Riz however, not at the moment. He just needed a breath of fresh air away from all of them. He’d join them, eventually, but for now he just needed to–

Riz was quickly caught off guard when his phone buzzed.

To his shock, it was a text from Pina.

He half expected his husband to be chastising him for not returning to the table yet, the message was the complete opposite. 

‘Riz, if you are nervous it’s okay to go upstairs. I swear I won’t be upset. I know this is stressful…San and Kyuu won’t be offended. Neither will I.’

Riz let out a deep sigh of relief.

Not because he planned to cower in the bedroom, though it sounded tempting. More so, because Pina’s words were always comforting. Riz felt guilty for assuming the first thing Pina would do was shame him. Pina was truly his anchor, and his presence had helped Riz get through many things. 

That said again, Riz wanted to do this for himself–to show that he had grown and could move on from such a dark time in his life. But he also wanted to do this for Pina. Even if Riz was still dealing with his own pain, he wanted Pina to see that he’d grown, and that all their work was for something. He wanted Pina to be proud to see the steps he made.

Eventually, Riz exhaled and took a step forward outside of the kitchen. 

He could hear the herbivores talking amongst each other as he approached the dining room, and one by one they all stopped when he peered just by the table. Riz noticed instantly how Pina sympathetically gazed at him, but offered a kind smile. It was clear he was worried about Riz, like he always was. To make Pina feel better however, Riz offered a genuine smile, winking at Pina to signify things were alright. At least, he wanted Pina to believe that, and it seemed he did.

“There you are–I thought you’d run back into Pina’s toy box.” Kyuu had said as Riz took his seat. 

“Oh–I–I was just turning off the stove.” Riz responded, scooting his chair closer to the table.

“And you do talk…” Kyuu retorted.

“Leave him alone.” Pina chided, stuffing some food into his mouth. “He’s probably so terrified of you he forgot how to speak. One look at you would send an elephant running away–”

“Pina!” Riz chastised, yet a chuckle from his side caused him to turn.

It was San. “Leave them, they’re always like this. They’ve argued this way since we were kids.”  His tone was somewhat the same as it was when he spoke to Riz–very bland and dismissive, yet San’s face said otherwise. “You should’ve seen them years ago.” This time he gazed at Riz, a smile on his face. “Things were…quite interesting.”

“Interesting?” Riz had told himself he wouldn’t speak directly to San yet, he never imagined San would be talking to him–at least–he thought he was. “What do you mean?”

“Well, we all grew up in the Black Market. It was hard for kids to have fun, but we met Pina shortly after we were rescued. Sometimes we’d play with one another–but Kyuu and Pina took things up a notch--they’d play fight together but nothing to serious. Pina’s mom would stop them. But…that didn’t mean they didn’t get into trouble.”

San went back to eating when Kyuu perked her ears up.

“Trouble?” Riz inquired.

“Oh, we’d steal things.” Kyuu shrugged. “Sometimes we needed money, sometimes it was for fun. That was one of the more innocent things we did growing up.” She toyed around with her fork, leaving Riz to stay on that thought before she spoke again. “Did you cook all of this? You know—even if we would steal from them, bears typically give people food in the Black Market like all the time--”

Riz felt his face warm up just a bit. Normally he supposed he would’ve been annoyed by Kyuu but she was much needed entertainment.

“Yeah, I mean Pina helped.” Riz responded.

“Barely.” Pina called from the other end of the table. “You two know I don’t cook–if it weren’t for Riz I don’t know what I’d do with myself.” 

There was a chuckle from San, causing Riz to feel a bit more comfortable. The tense air he feared the most seemed to dissipate as the herbivores talked a bit among themselves. As always, Riz remained just a bit silent; he was always one to observe rather than to speak directly. 

It wasn’t until however, did the conversation turn to him, did he feel uncomfortable.

“You’ve heard enough about us.” San spoke. “Tell us about yourself–I mean, not from what Pina has told us but, just in general.” His eyes were narrowed in on Riz, focusing on his every move. Riz began to feel tense again, as if San was purposely putting him on spot, and begging him to uncover his darkest secrets. “Pina says you’re sweet–but there has to be more to you.”

His tone was daring in a way, almost as if he was attempting to prod at Riz–and strangely, he sounded…playful? 

But Riz felt anything but playful in those moments. He was, if anything, uncomfortable. Part of him feared that San knew about his past–and that he was just waving it over his head only to reveal it later on. 

“For instance–how long have you been cooking? This is amazing.” San seemed to quell Riz’s fears by asking a question he didn’t expect. Riz was genuinely caught off guard.

“Oh–not for too long.” That was certainly a lie, but Riz wasn’t sure what else to say.

Pina chuckled, calling his bluff. “That’s a lie–Riz has been cooking for most of his life. He learned from his mother–she’s amazing at cooking by the way.” Pina indirectly boasted on Riz’s behalf, and Riz felt as if he could breathe. “You should stop by more often to try his cooking.”

Riz smiled from across the table. “Thanks Pina. I don’t know why I answered that way.” He admitted. “Just nervous I guess.”

San chuckled and went back to eating as did everyone else.

The majority of the dinner went on like that, eating and discussing their pasts. Riz had learned a lot about Pina, San and Kyuu and how, as mature as they were all now, they were menaces growing up. On the other hand, Kyuu completely flipped Riz’s preconceived reputation of rabbits. The only rabbit Riz had any knowledge of was Haru. When Legoshi described Haru, and when Riz met Haru after getting out of prison and visiting Legoshi, Haru was very kept to herself for the most part. Legoshi had gone on in length in private, about how his whole life and purpose had been crafted around using his strength to protect Haru from carnivores who could hurt her. Riz later discovered this is why the Tem situation hit so close to home for Legoshi, because he saw himself in Riz and Haru in Tem, and to that extent, Riz understood. 

That said, he only viewed rabbits in one way. Always needing to be protected.

Yet, Kyuu was bold, she was rude, and she was straightforward–in a way, she was the ‘rabbit’ version of Pina. Someone who didn’t hold her tongue and let everyone know what she was thinking. Truthfully, Riz enjoyed that. She brought life to the table, and it was quite interesting seeing she and Pina playfully bicker like siblings. 

San on the other hand–he was more so elusive.

Yet, the more Riz spent time with him, the more he saw him as…Pina and not so much Tem; at least a facet of Pina. It was hard to know what he was thinking as his eyes scoured the dining room. Even when everyone around him was laughing, there were times he was silent and kept to himself rather than engaging, only doing so if Pina or Kyuu addressed him. He, in a way, seemed to light up when he looked at Pina, and Riz figured there were some unresolved feelings–at least one sided–but pretended not to notice. 

Regardless, dinner went well. 

Eventually, Pina, Kyuu and San opted to take their plates into the kitchen, each thanking Riz for the meal (and Pina giving him a kiss on the cheek as he did so). That said, Riz felt as if he could finally take a breath of fresh air and volunteered to take out the trash, wanting to be left alone. It wasn’t that he didn’t enjoy their company, because he did. Emotionally, this was all very taxing for him, and sometimes, distancing himself from a situation after he felt he achieved it could help calm his nerves. 

Excusing himself, even though Pina offered to take out the trash, Riz vanished into the night temporarily. 

_____

The walk to the can was rather refreshing to Riz, as he’d noted how cooler the temperature had gotten.

Tossing the bag in the outdoor garbage wasn’t taxing, yet Riz decided to slip in the backyard rather than go back inside. He planned to, just not yet. Aside from the cold wind running through his fur, Riz was also able to clear his mind. It had been a while since he’d done something that daring….Sat face to face with an alpaca and eaten with him as he did all those years ago.

San still had Tem’s eyes, and even in some instances, San also had Tem’s demeanor and mannerisms, there were parts of the dinner where Riz found himself growing silent, just given how uncanny San and Tem were. Yet, he still prided himself in staying. Even if Pina had given him multiple avenues to escape, Riz felt that he’d do both of them a disservice if he did.

That said, he felt as if he deserved to rest, and be alone.

At the end of the day, Riz was a bear and preferred solitude to company, unless that company was Pina, then he was always wanted.

He'd probably poke his head back into the kitchen and then escape upstairs. He’d come back down when Pina was seeing San and Kyuu out and then, help him clean. Afterwards, they’d–

“I thought you’d run away.”

The voice, somehow intruding its way into the garden, was San. Even in darkness, from where Riz currently stood on the porch, San was clearly visible to him. He approached quickly, until his feet were heard creaking among the steps of the wooden platform where he eventually stood across from Riz. The dim street lights from outside of the garden seemed to lightly illuminate the small path in between them, and Riz felt his heart tense once again by the bland expression in San’s eyes. 

“You’re not helping the others wash dishes?” Was all Riz could muster.

“No.” San walked past Riz and promptly took a seat on one of the patio chairs, still gazing up at the grizzly bear. “Besides, I was more interested in talking to you…getting to know the real you. Pina always speaks highly of you, and he’s clearly in love with you so I figured he was a bit biased but….” San shrugged. “He’s right. You are certainly the silent but kind type. Still–it’s not something I would expect from the person who ate my cousin.”

At that moment, Riz felt as if he was going to fall through the porch.

The wood, seemed to split beneath him, almost as if he was going to break it just by standing there. The weight of guilt he’d saved away only seemed to return in full force, and now, he could no longer hide the look of fear on his face. His eyes, once focused and calm, widened in disbelief as he attempted to speak.

In response however, San just chuckled. “Maybe you should sit down. Pina would kill me if anything happened to you.”

“T…Tem was your cousin?” Riz finally choked out in a voice that did not quite sound like his own.

San shrugged. “We look a bit different but yes, he was. Both of us are alpaca-llama hybrids but, Tem got most of his alpaca genes, I got the llama genes, as you can see.” San stretched a bit before continuing. “We didn’t really grow up together–I was kidnapped and taken to the Black Market as soon as I moved here with Tem and his mother….but…we knew each other. We lived with each other for a while.”

Somehow, Riz had found his way to the garden chair next to San but stopped before he sat. It took San  nodding at him to give him permission, and like a confused child, Riz did so.

For a while, the two sat in silence.

Riz every so often gazed at San expecting him to say something yet felt increasing discomfort when he did not. Eventually, the silence was too much for Riz to take, and he filled the void.

“H…How long did you know I killed Tem? Did Pina tell you?”

“No.” San responded. “Pina didn’t tell me, I figured it out by myself…both Kyuu and I did…we pretty much heard bits and pieces from Legoshi and Louis when they were in the Black Market and from there, we figured out. After that, I kept tabs on you. You can imagine my shock when I discovered that you and Pina…were together.” San chuckled a bit, leaving Riz to respond.

“Then if you two knew…why….why did you agree to come?” Riz was genuinely confused. “You’re from the Black Market right…Pina said you two were feeder children, and were going to be eaten.” He exhaled before speaking again, this time turning to look at San. “Why would you come to the house of a predatory offender, willingly? Let alone one who ate…your own family member.”

San stretched again, this time looking directly at Riz. 

His casual manner seemed to dissipate just a bit and he looked serious, far more serious than before. Riz again, felt that chill of uncertainty run through his spine.

“Did you come here to get me to apologize….to make me feel guilty?” Riz clenched his fists, feeling an anger arise in him that he knew he had no right to, yet still, who was San to come to his home and make him feel guilty for something he’d already hated himself for. Riz knew he had grown past what happened with Tem yet still, that didn’t mean he didn’t hate himself for it every day. That didn’t mean that, as much as Pina loved and cherished him, Riz himself didn’t struggle with fearing that Pina would leave him and move on, all because of what happened with Tem. Tem’s death still hung so heavy on Riz’s heart, and sometimes, because of it Riz just wanted to die.

He didn’t need San to make him feel guilty. Riz felt guilty for Tem every day, he hated himself for what he did.

“Hey–are you…crying?”

San’s voice peered through Riz’s thoughts, and before Riz knew it, he did in fact feel tears streaming down his cheeks. He was quick to wipe them away with the back of his hands, for the last thing he wanted to do was show his sensitive side.

“I–I’m sorry.” Riz said. “For both crying and ….and for Tem.”

While Riz was still angry at San, he knew he had no right to be. He could easily make San the villain in his head, but San didn’t deserve that. It was San’s cousin Riz had taken away, and perhaps, San needed closure as well.

“You don’t need to apologize for Tem.” San exhaled, closing his eyes and leaning back into the chair. “It was unfortunate what happened but…there is clearly more to you than meets the eye and even then, I’m not in any place to be a judge for anyone’s crimes.” San chuckled, shuffling his shoes before he continued. “I’ve lost many people, to all types of things yet…”

What? Riz wanted to say, but San went on.

“Growing up in the Black Market wasn’t easy, so maybe, I used that as an excuse for a while. But I’ve come to accept I was just…a rotten egg.” San stood up for a while and seemed to slowly pace as if he was jerking his memory. When he finally sat down, he spoke again. “I looked at your file you know, listened to Legoshi, but also did my own research. I didn’t know bears had to take pills. They don’t have to in the Black Market. It sucks you had to take them, especially when they cause pain...I even looked up that they killed bears in the past. I don’t blame you for getting off of them. I’m sorry. I guess I wondered to myself that, if you bears weren’t forced to take them, then maybe you wouldn't have felt the need to stop, you know? And talk to Tem about it–” San shrugged. “Who knows. I guess all I’m saying is that, you weren’t planning to kill my cousin to begin with. That doesn’t make you an awful person.”

Riz was silent for a while, still not sure what to say or think, so he just said whatever came to his head.

“But it was predation.” He admitted. “How can someone like you…who was going to be eaten by carnivores, ignore that.” 

San sighed. “I mean, it’s not something I ignore but…” He shifted his chair a bit, and this time, faced Riz. “It’s just... not the worst thing out there. There was a time I hated carnivores after I was freed and rescued but…something in life had changed my opinion. One of the first people to see me as a real child, to feed me and care for me in a way that wasn’t...so I could eventually be a weapon for his cause, was a carnivore living in the Black Market.” San motioned back to the door, where through the slightly ajar curtains, Riz could spot Kyuu and Pina in the kitchen, splashing water at each other. 

“It was Pina’s mother. He was also sold to the black market, but by his herbivore family and well, his mother was a tiger working in the Market and saved him. We ended up meeting each other a few months after Gouhin–you don’t know who he is–saved Kyuu and I. When we met Pina, that’s when we met his mother, and she was just…kind. And she treated us in a strange way like…kids. My mom was killed when I was young, and after that I lived with my aunt, Tem’s mom. After I was stolen though, I didn’t have a motherly figure, until I met Pina’s mother. And even if she was a carnivore she was kind. Gouhin saved us of course, but, he also saw Kyuu and I as assets to his business, we were eventually his weapons. He trained us, and in a way made us soldiers; he didn’t know anything else so I don’t blame him. And I’ll always be grateful.”

San paused for a while, listening as the wind sounded from overhead before he continued.

“But when I met Pina’s mom, and she treated me as a son, and a kid. Same with Kyuu. After that, I guess, my opinion on carnivores changed but…it wasn’t just that. Pina’s biological parents were rich herbivores, and sold him for money that they didn’t even need. There are also...so many corrupted herbivores in the Black Market...in this world, but they get away unpunished for awful things, just because they are herbivores. If you knew all the things corrupted herbivores did to all of us, predation would look like child's play to you. Hell, the first person to look at Kyuu and I in our cell, and deem us as not being worth saving, was a herbivore named Oguma. He gave us one look and left us to die. He could’ve saved all of us...but he didn’t, because he didn’t care.” The memory, seemed to garner an emotional response from San, and genuinely he seemed angry, yet shook his head before h continued. “I just think in general–carnivore or herbivore, the world is unfair. We all have our own demons in this life, and herbivores aren’t exempt, but society presents them as innocent in comparison to carnivores, so no change is ever made.”

Things were quiet for a while, until Riz mustered the courage to respond.

“That doesn’t change the fact that…” He began. “I ate your cousin. That is the worst thing a carnivore could do to a herbivore.”

San exhaled again.

“My my, Pina was right about you being sensitive.” San chuckled a bit before continuing. “I can’t judge you for that Riz…not after what I’ve done, and after who I’ve killed for less.”

Riz rose an eyebrow, his mouth hung upon in disbelief as San spoke.

“Killed–”

“Ahh yes–killed.” San took his fingers, and made a playful shooting gesture. “And trust me, it wasn’t because of pills or anything like that, or how society viewed me–it was just because I wanted to.” He shrugged. “The first person I killed was an Impala Politician–he had come to the Black Market looking for a prostitute and Pina’s mom gave him services. At that time–and even now–herbivore dancers and entertainers were coming to the Black Market and taking jobs away from carnivore sex workers. That said, carnivore sex workers, like Pina’s mom would put up with anything just to make money from herbivore clients. So one day, when Pina, Kyuu and I were playing outside–I came back inside the house not knowing that Pina’s mother had a client–but instantly I heard him beating her.” San paused for a while, as if he was recalling a painful memory and then spoke again.

“I went upstairs and saw it happening. There she was, the woman I saw as a mother being beaten and nearly killed. So…I ran down stairs to the kitchen, got a knife and just…stabbed him to death, right in front of her.”

Riz didn’t know what to say–his mouth felt dry, his heart was beating but for a different reason.

“It was….it was self defense though–”

“That time was.” San admitted. “The other times….sometimes I just killed because I was angry, because someone stole…because I could. Carnivores…herbivores..I didn’t see a difference when I wanted something.”

San shrugged again.

“Kyuu–isn’t any better. Kyuu would kill herbivores and sell their meat for money…she got herself a nice loft on the nice part of town. She still does it.”

Riz let that sit for a while, as the wind gently blew between the two. 

It was hard to say…or hard to think anything at that point. Riz knew he wasn’t in the clear for killing Tem yet, things were more confusing.

Riz liked to think he knew the world yet every day, there were more and more things that confused him. He had such a solid view on herbivores and carnivores, and the only herbivore who was able to escape his mindset was Pina. Yet now San and Kyuu presented themselves as something else–Riz didn’t know whether or not he should be relieved or afraid.

“I have to apologize to you for how I was acting earlier. I know you suspected I knew about Tem–which I did but..that’s not why I was being cold to you.” San chuckled, ruining the silence.

“Was it because I’m a bear?”

“No!” San chuckled. “I’m actually friends with a lot of grizzlies! Like I said, bears feed people in the Black Market who have no food, bears are actually really kind. If it weren’t for bears growing up, I’d probably starve to death. The reason I disliked you earlier…it’s childish actually. You see, I always had feelings for uh…Pina. I was going to shoot my shot a few years back but he said no, and now I know why.” 

In that moment, San was quick to playfully nudge Riz on the shoulder. “I never thought he’d get with such a kind guy, so I guess I was just shocked. My bad for that.”

Riz found himself chuckling, genuinely for the first time that night. “I hope there aren’t any hard feeling between us….for…for anything.”

Riz wanted to respond to that.

After all, wasn’t that what he wanted for him and San to be friends despite all that happened?  Still, it felt oddly weird and uncomfortable to Riz at least, to just, brush over Tem.  Despite all the blood San had shed, he was still one of Tem’s living relatives…Riz, had to take this chance to make amends.

“I have to make up for what I did…San.” Riz spoke, gazing at the alpaca. “I don’t deserve your forgiveness but….I have to make up for what I did to Tem.”

Things were quiet again for a while, until San shuffled and shook his head.

“Riz…I…” He drifted off before speaking. “I forgive you. For Tem, for what you did….I do, and I mean that , genuinely.”

Riz felt his heart melt like a warming glacier.

He had thrown around the word ‘forgiveness’ in his mind, so many times yet…he never knew he would actually get it. It was one thing to talk to Pina about herbivores and have Pina make Riz feel okay, despite what herbivores thought…but to have one of Tem’s relatives forgive him? There was another release he felt there, yet just as much sadness the same.

As the two sat there, and Riz stared at San, he could swear to himself that in a blink of an eye–he could’ve sworn it was Tem sitting there instead of San, smiling at him. Riz didn’t know why, but he felt the tears returning to his face once again. This part was supposed to be easy–he was supposed to be happy, yet he was the opposite in a way. The knife of pain and grief began to come back, twisting itself ever so deep as San–no Tem–sat there, a calm smile upon his face.

As much as Riz wanted forgiveness, it was hard, because no matter who absolved him, Tem was gone.

Perhaps at the end of the day, that is what Riz hated the most.

No apology or absolving would ever bring Tem back, and that would truly be the only way to move on for Riz. Understanding that this wasn’t possible, Riz felt trapped. And perhaps there wasn’t really a part of him who wanted to move on…more so, he just wanted Tem to be back here. Living his life, happily, even if their lives weren’t meant to intersect afterwards. Tem still deserved to live.

“But, I don’t think you should live your life, wanting forgiveness or atonement.” San’s voice came into the clearing, and Riz blinked once again, and San was sitting in the chair this time. “From what Pina has told me…from what I’ve seen, you aren’t a bad person. Certainly not like me…and…I think that while you live your life hating yourself, and wanting forgiveness from herbivores…perhaps to respect Tem’s wishes, you just…go on and be yourself, and be happy. I don’t know the extent of your friendship but, I know my cousin and he wouldn’t want you like this.” San sighed. “Truly it’s unfortunate, but it’s your job to live and do better…do that and maybe you can finally make up to Tem.”

Riz found himself tearing up again, but this time, he didn’t work to fight the tears off. He let them come.

He was shocked however, when he felt a gentle touch upon his shoulder from San, smiling at him.

“Besides, you aren’t a bad person Riz. I don’t know if anyone’s told you that, but I know you think you are and you’re not…” San looked back toward the living room where Kyuu and Pina still were. “Besides, I’m pretty sure your princess in shining armor makes sure you know that you’re loved. Pina always had a way of seeing the best of all of us…carnivores…herbivores. He knows how to look at people who have done awful things, and make them see the best of themselves. You’re lucky to have him.”

Things were silent, and Riz felt his heart warming up at that.

Even as guilty as he felt, as much as he hated himself, Pina was always there to make him feel better when even Riz didn’t feel he deserved it.

“And if you need forgiveness…you have it from me. But I think you need it from yourself.” San shrugged. “However, If you want to do something that you think would make you feel better...maybe come talk to Gouhin about working with him. But I wouldn't recommend it...you don’t need to do that to make up. Just be happy. You’re doing fine how you are. I don’t think it’s something you need to do.”

At that moment just when Riz wanted to pry further, laughter was heard from the kitchen as both Kyuu and Pina playfully sprayed water at one another with the sink sprayers. At this moment, the two of them were soaked yet, Kyuu more so than Pina. 

“Ahh–I should go in and save Kyuu. It’s really nice to see Pina and Kyuu having fun…” San shiftedand gave Riz a good pat on the shoulder before standing.

“We’ve got to do this again sometimes–maybe we should hang out? As jealous as I am of you, your food is amazing.” 

Riz wiped his eyes a bit, preparing to stand. “You’re still jealous?” He said nearly wanting to laugh.

San had his hand on the handle at that moment, grinning. “Of course I am–you got ‘Pretty Princess Pina’.” San put his hands up in air quotes to emphasize the joke. “It was something we called him growing up…you can see why. That’s not a bad thing though–he liked it.” 

Riz chuckled. “It kind of fits him.” Riz responded in all honesty.

“Yes it does. But,” San shrugged. “I think…you two are good for each other. He takes care of you…and you don't’ realize it but…you take care of him as well, like a lot. He needs someone stable and normal like you. You two are meant for one another, and I truly wish you happiness.” 

Riz blinked again this time, watching as San placed a hand on the door handle and began to open it.

In that moment, once again, as San looked back at him…Riz swore he saw Tem.

Yet, this time, Tem was glowing, as if now finally, he was truly divine. To Riz, strange enough…it felt as if Tem was really there, about to go through the door with the kindest, most love filled expression on his face. 

Like an angel, he held Riz’s gaze for just a few seconds before speaking.

“Thanks for everything Riz…and take care.”

That…that wasn’t San’s voice. It was Tem’s, it had to be yet..in a second, he was gone, through the door and into the warm light of the house.

Riz was quick to stand and practically run through the threshold to find him yet at that moment, Tem was gone. Instead, Riz saw San, Kyuu and Pina in the kitchen. Kyuu was soaked, and Pina’s wool was a lot fluffier than it was normally due to getting wet. 

All three turned when they saw Riz. 

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Kyuu approached Riz, noting the concern on his face. 

“Maybe he has.” Pina responded, smiling and following behind her.

“Did San scare you or something? I’d think you could put up with his antics after living with Pina.”

“Says a lot coming from a goblin!” Pina snapped back.

Riz found himself laughing, genuine again this time as he approached Pina and gently placed an arm around him. “Pina is a lot…but I love every bit of him.” Riz said genuinely, pulling Pina closer, ignoring that he was drenched in soapy water.  From where he stood next to Kyuu, Riz saw San smiling before placing his hand around the smaller rabbit’s shoulder and beginning to guide her to the door.

“Thanks for the food…and the talk Riz…” San said, genuinely. “We should take our leave. Pina thanks for having us over, please remember to stay in contact.”

After a few more farewells, the two left.

Riz swore he could see Tem’s fleece going through the door one last time, but he figured that this was his mind playing tricks on him. Something about the times before that…seemed real…almost as if Tem was moving on right in front of him.

As comforting as that was…it was also very sad.

It left Riz feeling multiple ways.

Yet, when the door closed, he realized his arm was still around Pina.

With one swift motion, he easily picked Pina up, pulling him into the tightest embrace. He could feel Pina chuckle from the hug, and fight effortlessly to attempt to hug Riz back. “What’s this about?” Pina asked, his muzzle buried in Riz’s chest.

“Nothing just….thank you for all of this…for this dinner…for being with me…for loving me…” He placed Pina down upon the floor, a smile curling upon his lips as he bent down to kiss him. “Thank you for being here with me, despite everything. I don’t…you ….you don’t know how much you mean to me.”

Pina wore a look of understanding as he walked forward, making contact with Riz and hugging him. “Aww….did San talk to you out there? What did he say?”

Riz chuckled, as he headed toward the kitchen where Pina followed. “It’s a lot…I can tell you when we’re heading to bed….” A playful smile curled upon Riz’s lips. “Princess Pina…” 

Pina snorted at that, quickly approaching Riz and yanking him by the arm. “Really—my old nick name! Well, I’ll have you know I’m Queen Pina now! But, what else did he tell you? Did he say anything about us growing up and... were you crying….were you…”

Pina continued to inquire all the while, Riz told him bits and pieces as the two began to clean up the remainder of the kitchen.  As time went by, they laughed, finished up until they went to bed. By that time, Pina was too tired to hear the rest of the story but….that didn’t matter to Riz. He’d tell him the next day. For now, reflecting on everything said and done that day, Riz just happy to be here, with Pina.

He knew he didn’t deserve any of this.

San’s forgiveness or Pina’s presence yet…he still felt lucky either way, to be able to have another chance at his life, to do things the right way.

If living was the one way he could make it for what he did, then he’d certainly do it.