Chapter Text
Seokjin stifles a yawn as he stands near the café counter, thumbs moving over the screen of his cellphone with the practiced speed and precision of someone who’s done this countless times. He has, of course. Responding to emails is at least ninety percent of his job and he’s fairly certain he can do it in his sleep at this point. His order name is called and he closes his phone, shoving it in his pocket. He’ll finish later, for now he needs to get these coffees to the studio before they get cold. It isn’t like Yoongi will shout at him or anything, but he likes to avoid the heavy lidded look of disappointment that lazily gets thrown his way whenever he messes up the small things.
Yoongi may technically be his boss, but he’s also his friend, and Seokjin hates disappointing his friends. Especially the ones who gave him a comfortable career while he was basically drowning.
Nestling the cups into a carrier, Seokjin turns to leave - and almost spills the coffees all over a person who had not been next to him ten seconds ago.
“Shit.” He says, barely holding on, somehow not letting a single drop fall. He’s met with a sudden, bright laugh that definitely does not fit the situation and he looks up, ready to glare at the owner of said laugh, but his gaze falters as a familiar face sits before him. “Kim Taehyung.” He manages, clearing his throat and finding his irritation only mildly dimming. “I literally just almost scalded the shit out of you.”
Taehyung laughs again, softer this time. His big, boxy smile seems unaffected by this knowledge. “But, you didn’t.” He counters, annoyingly lax about what could have just happened.
“But, I could have.” Seokjin insists, even though he’s already starting to relax. “Don’t sneak up on people like that when they have hot coffee in their hands. It’s dangerous.”
His grin turns to a pout and Taehyung whines, “But, sneaking up on you is so much fun. You’re so cute when you’re flustered.”
Seokjin is used to this kind of talk from his younger friend, but he can’t stop the flush that creeps up his neck to rest on his face anyway. It’s been a good fifteen years since he’d met Taehyung, but somehow the kid still always knows how to press his buttons. A fact Seokjin does not appreciate.
“I’m cute all the time.” He says, trying to play it off. Taehyung's smug smile says he notices the redness, but he’s kind enough not to mention it.
“Too true.” Taehyung muses, and the look in his eyes is hard to place. Seokjin doesn’t really have time to try dissecting it, so he backs up and makes to move around his friend.
“Well, I’ll see you later.” He says, knowing it’s only a matter of time before Taehyung makes an appearance at his and Jungkook’s apartment. He is Jungkook’s best friend, after all. One of them, at least. Seokjin thinks he’s seen both Taehyung and Jimin more than he’s actually seen his younger brother recently, despite the fact that he’s the only one he actually lives with.
“Wait. Are you going back to the studio? Let me walk you.” Taehyung smiles at him again and Seokjin can’t help but raise an eyebrow. Yoongi's music studio is maybe a two minute walk, but -
“Don’t you have work?” Seokjin notes the dress clothes and tie that he’s become accustomed to seeing on the younger boy whenever he finds him here. He knows the art museum is only a couple blocks from the café considering he’s run into Taehyung (not quite so literally) about three dozen times since he’d started as a tour guide.
“I have time. It’s not that far.” Taehyung shrugs.
Just then, Taehyung’s order is called and he grabs his iced Americano, shoving the straw a little too roughly into the lid before beaming up at Seokjin again. “Let’s go.”
At this point in life, Seokjin is aware that it’s pointless to argue with Taehyung on pretty much anything, so he simply nods and leads the way out into the street. They’re met with the bright, early afternoon sunlight and Seokjin thinks it feels good on his skin.
“I can’t believe you’re drinking hot coffee when it’s at least five hundred degrees outside.” Taehyung remarks as they begin their journey towards the studio.
Seokjin lets out a laugh at this, “Yoongi likes the studio colder. He says it helps him think.” Unfortunately for Seokjin, he hasn’t been able to change Yoongi’s mind and whenever he’s forced to spend more than an hour there, he always makes sure to bring a thick sweater. This is why he prefers doing his work from home. There isn’t that much that he needs to do in person, and Yoongi has never been the clingy type, so he gets away with staying in his makeshift home office quite a bit. Still, he does like to go in to the studio whenever Yoongi is in the midst of recording to make sure he’s taking care of himself. What kind of personal assistant would he be if he didn’t attend to his friend’s well-being along with scheduling his business life?
Taehyung chuckles, taking a long sip from his coffee before saying. “One of these days, he’s gonna turn into a snowman. He’s pale enough to pass for one already.”
Chuckling himself, Seokjin teases, “Try saying that to his face.”
“No, thanks.” Taehyung says, genuine fear in his eyes. “I like keeping all of my limbs.”
“You look good with all of them intact.” Seokjin says without thinking.
Taehyung makes a strangled noise and Seokjin glances over to see he’s choking on his coffee. “That’s the weirdest pick up line I think I’ve ever heard.” He says after sputtering out a few coughs.
Rolling his eyes, Seokjin retorts, “It wasn’t a pick up line. Calm yourself, Tiger.”
Taehyung sends a pout in Seokjin’s direction, “It’s not?” He whines. “How disappointing.”
There he goes again. Seokjin doesn’t know if Taehyung has a personal goal for the amount of times he just has to playfully flirt with him in any given conversation. If he does, Seokjin has noticed that recently that quota must have gone up. It seems like Taehyung is always finding ways to insert innuendos or needless touching at the oddest times. For the life of him, Seokjin can’t figure out why. Taehyung has always had somewhat of a flirty personality, but it all seems… extra when he does it with Seokjin. It’s ridiculous, of course. Taehyung is his baby brother’s best friend. Nothing more. And it’s not like Seokjin has been thinking of him in any way that isn’t that. Not at all.
Choosing not to linger on this train of thought, Seokjin rolls his eyes, “Has anyone ever told you how annoying you are?” He teases.
“Yes, actually.” Taehyung nods. “You do. Quite often. If I were a lesser man, it would hurt my feelings.”
“Good thing you’re so great, then.” Seokjin says, and he’s teasing again, but Taehyung puts a hand on his arm and beams at him.
“I’m glad you think so, Hyung.”
Seokjin tries not to notice how his heart speeds up at the contact and he quickly moves his arm to get Taehyung to let go. Thankful that he drops his hand so easily, Seokjin falls silent, pointedly avoiding looking at his companion.
They’re quiet for a moment before Taehyung pipes up again, “Hey, have you seen that they’ve got an open casting call for the new romance drama?”
Seokjin raises an eyebrow, glancing over at his friend. He’s heard about it, of course. He hears about all of them. And he promptly ignores every single one. After all, he doesn’t even have an agent anymore. How is he supposed to go for a lead role all by himself? Besides, he’d left that world behind. His new life is going on coffee runs and making sure Yoongi can fit every artist he wants into his busy schedule without complication. It hardly leaves time for acting.
“Why?” He asks, not really wanting to delve into the topic. “Are you thinking of going for it?”
Taehyung scoffs at the thought, giving Seokjin an incredulous look. “Absolutely not.”
Seokjin has always thought that Taehyung would make a good actor, actually. He has the face, the voice, the dramatic flair. But, he’d never been interested; too wrapped up in the meaning of whatever art he’s currently obsessed with.
“You should go for it.” Taehyung presses, and it’s an old, worn out song that Seokjin doesn’t want to listen to anymore.
“Please, Tae. I don’t want to have this conversation with you right now.” He sighs, already weary and the argument hasn’t even started yet.
“Come on, Hyung. You’d be perfect for it. I’ve seen you. You’re so good, I-”
“I’m going to pour this coffee on you on purpose if you don’t stop right now.” Seokjin cuts him off, giving him a pointed look.
“But-”
“Hush. I’m not going for it. It doesn’t matter how much you whine about it.”
Truthfully, Seokjin misses acting. He misses the thrill of it, just how fun it was to transform himself into someone else and take on a new identity. He misses the challenge of finding a character and embodying them in whatever way worked for the project.
But, it doesn’t matter that he misses it. He won’t go back. He won’t be put through the same humiliation he’d faced. Nothing is worth that. So, he’s content to be a personal assistant for the rest of his pathetic life.
“Hyung.” Taehyung puts a hand on his arm again, this time grabbing on to stop him from fleeing to the safety of the studio that’s merely feet from him. Seokjin turns to look at Taehyung, and the expression on his face is serious. “You can’t let one bad experience ruin the rest of your life. You’re too good for that. Way too good.”
Seokjin knows that Taehyung isn’t aware of exactly what happened to him. Only his brother knows the full truth, and only after he’d gotten Seokjin drunk enough to spill all the details. He'd forced Jungkook to promise not to tell either Taehyung or Jimin, and he wonders if it’s the only secret he has from his closest friends. Yoongi is the only other one who suspects something much darker than the media story, and maybe that’s why he’d given Seokjin this job, but he’d never asked, never pushed for information. Something Seokjin has always been eternally grateful for.
“As confident as you are in my acting abilities, Taehyung-ah. No one is going to hire me, no matter how good I am.” It’s a harsh reminder that even if he did want to go back, it would be next to impossible to find a good role, even if he did find a halfway decent agent. No one wants to hire the guy who pissed off one of the most celebrated directors in Korea. He knows he’s basically been unofficially blacklisted from anything he’d even want to go for.
Taehyung huffs, looking unhappy. “You don’t know unless you try. If you do, they’ll realize you’re not actually a ‘devil to have on set’ and that you won’t ‘make everyone’s work life a living hell’.”
Seokjin knows he’s quoting the articles, but it still makes him flinch to hear the words come out of his mouth, no matter how supportive he’s trying to be. “Just drop it, Taehyung-ah.” He says, and he can hear the weariness in his voice.
“But, it’s been two years. Is anyone really going to remember-”
“I said drop it, Taehyung. Now.”
Maybe it’s the sudden anger in his voice, but Taehyung falls silent. His eyes don’t lose their unhappiness and Seokjin feels a little guilty for snapping at him. He knows the kid means well. He knows Taehyung just wants him to be happy doing what he loves. But, he doesn’t understand, and he never will if Seokjin has anything to say about it.
Taking a deep breath to calm himself, he speaks again, his voice much quieter as he says, “Now, please let go of me. Yoongi’s already going to be pissed that his coffee is cold.”
Taehyung drops his hand from Seokjin’s arm, letting out a low sigh, eyes going to the ground, looking like a scolded child.
Seokjin shakes his head, moving to lightly elbow Taehyung’s arm. “Go back to work, Taehyungie. I’ll see you later, okay?”
Looking up at him for a moment, Taehyung finally relents. “Okay, Hyung.”
Offering a small smile, Seokjin turns to go inside and he’s aware of Taehyung’s eyes on him until the door closes behind him. He supposes he’ll have to make up for snapping at him, and by the time he gets back to Yoongi, he’s already planned every single thing he’s going to cook for his young friend.
--
Sometimes Seokjin thinks his days as a personal assistant are actually longer than those he would spend on film sets. With television, there’s always so much hurry up and wait. Hurry up and get dolled up just to sit around waiting for the lighting and marks and audio to be ready so they can film a scene for two minutes. Just to wait around again to have everything re-set up. At least then he would get downtime. It’s a different feeling spending all day on the phone explaining why Yoongi can’t be responsible for crafting five songs for one artist while simultaneously juggling three other artists at the same time.
Seokjin thinks his friend takes on too much at once, a habit he’s always seemed to have. Except, before Seokjin was his personal assistant it didn’t affect him this much, and now he’s actually going to start complaining about it.
When he can finally get up from his desk, Seokjin realizes he needs to get out of the house. Jungkook isn’t home or he’d ask if he wants to go with him. So, instead he heads out alone and meanders through the streets until he finds his destination.
During the daytime, the little park is full of kids, but now, with the moon high in the sky, it’s empty. The perfect time for Seokjin to find his way over to the swings.
The night is warm, but the light breeze keeps it bearable and Seokjin is content to swing back and forth lazily, wondering what he should make for breakfast in the morning. It’s been a while since he’s made something sweet. Maybe he’ll make waffles. Jungkook always seems to enjoy them when he does.
It’s when he’s pondering whether he should make his own whipped cream that a voice stirs him out of his mind.
“So, come here often?”
Blinking up from where he’d been staring a hole in the ground, he finds Taehyung leaning against the swingset, a small smile on his face.
Seokjin smiles in pleasant surprise at him. “What are you doing here?” He asks instead of answering Taehyung’s ridiculous question.
“Well, I went over to your apartment but no one was home. Which was very rude of you both, might I say.” Seokjin laughs at this, “So, I decided to come here and drink alone like the friendless loser that I am.” He holds up the six pack in his hand.
As someone who can’t even keep count of the amount of friends Taehyung has, Seokjin just rolls his eyes. “So sorry for your troubles.” He teases.
“It’s okay. Because I found you. My night is instantly ten times better.” He moves to sit in the swing next to Seokjin who’s heart decides to beat a little bit faster. Why did that compliment make him so happy? Taehyung is always saying things like that.
“I hope you plan on sharing, then.” He gestures to the beer and Taehyung happily hands him one.
“Luckily, I bought the cheap stuff so the caps are twist off.”
Seokjin chuckles, opening his beer and drinking deeply before saying, “I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to drink here.”
Taehyung laughs into his beer before swallowing and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, “If that’s the case, the homeless man over that way has some explaining to do.” He points at a dark corner of the park, and Seokjin laughs.
They sit for a while longer, swinging back and forth, finishing a few more beers. Taehyung is nice company to have. Maybe because he’s known him for so long, but Seokjin is more comfortable around him than a lot of other people. He’s easy to talk to and easy to make laugh.
After a while, though, Seokjin is tired of sitting on the tiny swing, so he stands, “Hey, let’s get on this thing.”
Taehyung watches him walk over to the thing in question and laughs as he asks, “The merry go round?”
“Yeah.” Seokjin stands on it, starting to push himself sideways with one foot. “What’s the matter? Are you scared?”
Taehyung scoffs, “Me? Scared of something made for children?”
“Yeah. You. Scared.” Seokjin teases, knowing he’ll take the bait.
Taehyung stands, setting down his beer as he walks forward and climbs onto the merry go round.
Before he can think to get back off, Seokjin starts spinning them around faster, noting the way Taehyung clings to the metal bars a little too tightly.
“This is nothing.” Taehyung says confidently. “I’ve been on the tallest drop ride in Korea.”
Seokjin takes this as a challenge.
He starts spinning them faster and faster, letting centrifugal force take over for most of the work after a while and even though he’s incredibly dizzy and his hands are aching from holding on to the bars, it’s worth it to hear Taehyung’s shrill screams of delight and fear.
“Why is it so fast?” Taehyung shouts, and Seokjin descends into laughter, leaning forward to keep from slipping off. It isn’t much longer until Taehyung is begging, “Slow it down! Hyung, stop!”
He waits just a beat before dragging his foot on the ground, slowly getting the machine to come to a stop.
Taehyung is still giggling as he gets off as quickly as possible, and he tries to walk away, but he’s so dizzy that he goes in a half circle and falls straight on his behind.
Seokjin sinks to his knees as well, giggling just as hard. It’s been a long time since he’s done something like this, this simple playground toy. And as he watches Taehyung try to stand up and immediately fall over again, giggling even harder, he tries to pretend that the butterflies in his stomach are from the spinning.
Eventually, they’re both able to get oriented again and Taehyung traipses over to the seesaw. Seokjin trails behind him, laughing. “You’ve got to be kidding me.” As Taehyung situates himself on one side.
“Nope! Climb on, Hyung.”
“Tae, these are made for people one-third our size.”
Taehyung stands enough for Seokjin to be able to swing his leg over the seat. “But, these used to be so fun when we were kids.
“Yeah, when we were kids.” Seokjin pushes down on the seat with his butt, landing a little painfully in the sand. Taehyung’s feet don’t even leave the ground.
“Ah.” He deadpans. “I guess we are too big.”
Seokjin starts cackling, struggling to his feet again.
“Let’s face it. We’re old now.”
Taehyung shrugs as if to say ‘Well that’s life.’ and meanders back towards the swings. This time, he stands on it, swinging back and forth.
Seokjin mimics him, watching him as he does so. Here, under the streetlamps, Taehyung looks almost ethereal. Maybe it’s the alcohol, even though Seokjin knows he’s barely had any. But, he realizes if he looks any longer, he’s going to reach out and touch him. So, he looks away.
“So, is there a particular reason you came to my apartment?” He asks, trying to get his mind off of it.
“Do I need a reason?” Taehyung asks playfully.
Shrugging, Seokjin says, “No, I guess not.” He pauses before saying, “But, Jungkook is out with Jimin. Did you not know that?” He finds that hard to believe, considering Taehyung lives with Jimin.
“No, I knew.” Taehyung says, and his voice is smaller this time, the playfulness gone.
“Then why-” Seokjin cuts himself off as he realizes the answer. “Were you coming by to see me?” He doesn’t know why it surprises him so much. Taehyung is his friend, too. But, it’s always been more of an adjacent friendship. Yeah, he and Taehyung have been together in the same room without Jungkook, but Seokjin doesn’t think they’ve ever actively sought one another out knowing that he wouldn’t be there. At least not without a real reason.
Taehyung shrugs, “Yeah. I mean, that’s okay, isn’t it?” He doesn’t look at Seokjin as he asks, merely keeps swinging.
“Of course.” Seokjin answers, a little concerned. “Is everything okay, Taehyungie?”
Taehyung does look at him now, giving him a reassuring smile. “Yeah, of course. I just, I dunno, I wanted to hang out with you. And Kookie said you’d been working from home all day so I figured you’d want the company.”
Seokjin finds a fond smile work its way on his face, “If it’s your company, definitely.”
He doesn’t know why he says it, but Taehyung seems to preen at the words and Seokjin finds they aren’t untrue. In fact, he finds he very much wants to keep Taehyung around for a while, so he jumps off the swing and asks, “You hungry? I’m starving. How about we head back to my place and I make us some Jjajangmyeon?”
Taehyung jumps off the swing and smiles widely at him, “Hyung, you read my mind.”
So, that’s what they do. They clean up their empty bottles and they head back to Seokjin’s apartment. It isn’t the first time he’s been alone in his home with Taehyung, but it’s the first time he’s aware that it might be a thing.
Seokjin doesn’t want it to be a thing. He doesn’t want to notice that he’s alone with Taehyung any more than he’d notice if he was alone with Jimin. He doesn’t want to notice how cute his smile is, or how much better he looks in the full light of Seokjin’s kitchen. He doesn’t want to notice the way Taehyung keeps staring at him when he looks away as if Seokjin is the only thing worth looking at in the entire apartment. And he definitely doesn’t want to notice the way Taehyung’s hand keeps inching closer to his across the table as they eat, only to back away last minute. Because those aren’t things that friends notice, and he and Taehyung are just friends.
So, he pretends not to notice any of those things, and he says goodbye to Taehyung at a respectable hour, and he does nothing but wave at him when he leaves.
He definitely doesn’t find himself thinking about Taehyung later while he’s laying in bed, smiling at the ceiling at the memory of Taehyung’s adorable screams on the merry go round.
Just friends. Nothing more.
--
“I can’t believe you printed out an itinerary for this.” Jungkook sounds both amused and slightly exasperated as he eyes the paper in his hand.
Jimin laughs from where he’s leaning against Jungkook’s shoulder to read the itinerary. “I think it’s cute.” He remarks, flicking his eyes towards Seokjin, who’s standing by the couch that the two are occupying, arms crossed.
“It’s not cute.” He says defensively, “It’s necessary.”
Jungkook gives in to his exasperation, and his expression reflects this. “We’re just going to the club and then coming back here. We don’t need a play by play.”
“I agree with Seokjinnie-hyung.” Taehyung’s voice sounds from behind him and he feels an arm go around his shoulders. Seokjin tries to ignore the way his heart flutters at the contact.
“Of course you do.” Jungkook and Jimin say at the same time, and Seokjin wonders if it’s due to their newly christened relationship. He’d never had that kind of connection with anyone he’d dated, but he also can never seem to find someone who’s actually decent. So, he can’t really go off of his own experiences.
Seokjin glances over at Taehyung who sticks his tongue out at his friends before letting go of Seokjin and plopping down on the couch next to them.
Heaving a sigh and pointing an accusing finger at them, Seokjin says, “This itinerary is an attempt at keeping you three out of trouble. It’s probably pointless, but I have to try.” It’s an unfortunate truth. Sometimes Seokjin feels more like their mother rather than just Jungkook’s older brother, but he finds he doesn’t mind as much as he makes it seem. In the years that he’s known them, he’s come to care deeply about each one of them. Not that he’d tell any of them that.
“Hyung,” Jungkook starts, setting the paper down. “It’s my birthday. I’m allowed to get into a little trouble.That’s like, the whole point in birthdays.”
It’s Seokjin’s turn to be exasperated as he says, “It really isn’t.”
But, he’s already prepared for whatever circumstances may arise. He’s arranged for a taxi to take them to the club and has it on speed dial for a pickup, and he’s made sure they all agreed to keep their tracker apps active while they’re out. Yeah, he’s definitely their mother. At least he intends on having a good time, too. He’s invited his own friends to the club, and of course Yoongi said no, but at least Hoseok and Namjoon had agreed.
Jimin laughs again, reaching out to take Seokjin’s hand, “You’re being paranoid, Hyung. We’ll be fine. You know us.”
Seokjin gives him a look. “Yes, I do know you. Hence the paranoia. Do you remember what happened on your eighteenth birthday?”
Taehyung scoffs, “We don’t talk about that. Because then I have to think about Jiminie crying and I can’t do that without getting heated.”
Jungkook slaps him on the shoulder, “You’re the one who made him cry.”
“Not on purpose!” Taehyung shoots back.
Seokjin’s phone ringtone cuts through the conversation and he picks up, speaking quickly before hanging up. “Our taxi is here. Now, let’s go, and let’s be responsible adults, shall we?”
Jungkook gives him a look as they all stand, but Jimin bows at him, “Yes, Hyung.” He teases.
As they file out, Taehyung looks back at him and says, “By the way, Hyung, you look absolutely delicious.” with a wink and a smirk before he scurries out of the apartment, leaving Seokjin confused and a little bit flustered. He looks down at the outfit he’d chosen, a slightly sheer black shirt, ripped jeans and black boots. He wonders if such a simple outfit could really be called ‘delicious’. Shaking his head, he decides to forget it, and follows the boys outside.
The trip to the club is thankfully uneventful. Seokjin sits in the passenger seat, listening to the excited conversation of his dongsaengs, using this time to type out an email to a potential recording artist’s management team. Yoongi has been moving up in the world of producers and it’s getting harder and harder to find the time to respond to everyone who wants to work with him during normal business hours.
Once they get inside, the warmth of the club hits Seokjin like a wall. He wishes the owners of this place could invest in an air conditioner, but he tries not to let it bother him as he makes his way to his friends where they’re sitting at a booth.
“How the hell did we get here before you?” Namjoon shouts over the music.
“Jin-hyung was too busy planning out our every move to leave on time.” Jungkook shoots back and Seokjin slaps him on the shoulder. Taehyung and Jimin both cackle at this and Jungkook looks a little too proud of himself.
“Actually, it was bad traffic.” Seokjin says in defense of himself.
Hoseok laughs, putting an arm around Seokjin’s neck, “Let’s get drinks!” He shouts, clearly ready to start whatever adventure this is going to be. It earns a cheer from all of them and soon they line up at the bar to purchase said alcoholic beverages.
Time always seems to work differently at a club, Seokjin finds. It can slow down or speed up at any given moment. Maybe it’s the alcohol, or maybe it’s the atmosphere, full of bodies and blasting music that you can feel vibrating through the floor. He supposes he’s getting too old to enjoy these things anymore, already technically in his late twenties (though, does twenty-six really count as late?), but it’s something he doesn’t want to let go of yet. It’s a simple joy of life that shouldn’t be taken away too easily.
He’s halfway between tipsy and drunk, laughing a little too hard at Hoseok and Namjoon’s version of flirty dancing, when he sees something that makes him sober just a little bit.
At first, he doesn’t know what he’s seeing and he has to blink a few times to really understand. Taehyung is dancing with a man he’s never seen and Seokjin notices just how close they are. He’s surprised to realize that he doesn’t like it. There’s no reason for him not to, really. Taehyung is single and an adult and can dance with whomever he wants. But, something tugs at his stomach at the sight and it makes him unhappy.
As much as Taehyung’s comment before they’d left the apartment had thrown him off, he’d wanted to return the sentiment. Because Taehyung looks good tonight. It’s a thought that Seokjin shouldn’t be having about someone he’s known since he was a child, but he thinks it anyway. He thinks the tight pants he’s wearing look good, and he thinks the naughty half unbuttoned shirt looks even better. He’d blame it on the alcohol, but he’s been wanting to undo the rest of the buttons since before he’d even picked up a drink. It’s wrong, but he doesn’t care.
It takes him a moment of staring to realize that Taehyung isn’t dancing anymore. He’s leaned close to the man, listening to him speak, and the look on his face is surprising. He looks… unhappy. He leans back to look the man in the eyes and says something that looks angry before trying to walk away. The man grabs his forearm to stop him from leaving and Seokjin freezes, feeling a deep anger well in the pit of his stomach.
A voice enters his head at the sight, a voice that belongs to someone he never wants to see again. ”Don’t walk away from me. You’re nothing without me.”
Before he has time to register what he’s doing, he stomps forward just as Taehyung wrenches his arm from the man’s grasp and steps in between them, shoving the man in the chest.
“Back off.” He says, narrowing his eyes. The man just rolls his eyes with a simple, ‘Whatever.’ and walks away, clearly not willing to deal with this. Seokjin turns back to Taehyung and asks, “You okay?”
Taehyung is giving him a look he can’t quite define before purposefully relaxing it into something more casual. “Of course.” He answers, “I had that under control, Superman. You didn’t have to save me.” The corner of his mouth lifts into a smirk and seems like he doesn’t really mind that Seokjin came to his rescue without a thought.
“Yeah, well, I’m just trying to keep you out of trouble, remember?” Seokjin counters, though it doesn’t sound very convincing, even to himself.
Taehyung seems to contemplate this for a moment before his smirk turns full blown, “I guess that means you’ll just have to dance with me, then. To make sure I don’t find anyone else like that.”
Seokjin blinks at him. He hadn’t expected that.
Taking his silence as confirmation, Taehyung steps closer, putting his hands on Seokjin’s waist, and the heat from them bleeds through the thin fabric of his shirt into his skin and all the way up to his face. Suddenly, he feels much more drunk than he had thirty seconds ago.
Seokjin puts his hands on Taehyung’s chest to stop him from getting any closer and he tries to ignore the bit of his chest that’s exposed. Instead, he looks into Taehyung’s eyes as he stutters out, “Y-you know I-I can’t d-dance.”
Why is speaking so hard all of a sudden? Why is Taehyung looking at him like that? Did it suddenly get warmer in here?
Taehyung laughs, low and husky, and says, “I don’t really care. I just want an excuse to hold on to you.”
Seokjin is definitely drunk. If he wasn’t, he wouldn’t be imagining Taehyung saying something like that, and he wouldn’t be hallucinating that he’s removing Seokjin’s hands from his chest, pulling him in tighter, his grip on Seokjin’s waist going almost painful.
If he wasn’t drunk, Seokjin wouldn’t be putting his arms around Taehyung’s neck, tangling his fingers in the hair at the back of his head. He wouldn’t be resting his forehead against Taehyung’s, closing his eyes against their sudden closeness.
So, yeah, he’s definitely drunk, because that’s the only reason any of these things could be happening.
Taehyung leads him in their movement, keeping it simple with basic swaying at first, which even Seokjin can manage. He’s never been one for dancing like this, even at the club. Mostly, he likes to just get drunk enough to put on a show, making sure anyone watching knows that he’s bad on purpose. He likes to think of it as his own weird way of drawing people in. It also saves him the embarrassment of admitting that he literally has zero real rhythm.
He’s never really done something like this, something so slow and intimate. He’s afraid if they do anything other than just swaying side to side in one spot, he’s going to end up tripping over literally nothing. Maybe that’s why he’s hanging on to Taehyung so tightly. It’s not like he has any other reason to hang on to him.
When Taehyung switches it up, trying to introduce some footwork into their dance, Seokjin stops, pulling back to look at him, “No, no. I’m gonna hurt you.” He says, already envisioning crushed toes.
Taehyung laughs and the sound definitely doesn’t make Seokjin’s heart jump. He takes a hand from Seokjin’s waist and the spot suddenly feels cold. He instead places the hand on Seokjin’s face as he says with complete faith, “You won’t hurt me. Just follow my lead.”
Seokjin doesn’t know how to feel about the feeling of Taehyung’s long fingers touching his cheek, or the adoring look in his eyes, so he blurts out what he tries to pass off as a joke, “But, what if you hurt me?”
The other boy’s face falls, his eyes going serious as he replies, “I would never.” And Seokjin isn’t sure that he’s just talking about the dancing anymore.
Swallowing a little too hard, Seokjin nods, “O-okay.” He doesn’t know why he’s stuttering so much, but he thinks he might not be as drunk as he originally suspected.
Taehyung returns his hand to Seokjin’s waist, pulling him back in, and Seokjin thinks they’re even closer than before, but he can’t bring himself to care. Not when he’s starting to feel a different type of intoxication. Not when Taehyung’s breath is on his neck, not when Taehyung’s scent is invading his senses, not when he’s being forced into motion and the room is suddenly spinning way faster than their movements can cause. He doesn’t know how long they stay like this, wrapped up in each other, barely hearing the blaring music, everything spinning, spinning, spinning. It reminds him of the merry go round at the park. Too fast, too much, too dizzying.
Seokjin thinks he’ll fall straight on his ass when Taehyung lets him go.
“Hey, lovebirds.” A voice finally breaks into Seokjin’s haze, and somewhere in the back of his mind, he recognizes it as his brother’s. “Break it up. Jiminie wants to go home.”
Slowly, as if it pains him, Taehyung pulls away from Seokjin, who stumbles a bit and both boys reach out to steady him.
“And you told us to be responsible.” Jungkook scolds him teasingly.
Seokjin blinks at his brother before his face finally fully comes into view. “What?” He asks slowly, still not sure he knows what’s happening.
“Aigoo, how much did you even drink? You’re getting old, Hyung, if a few drinks are laying you out.” Jungkook seems to be enjoying Seokjin’s slow reactions a little too much.
Taehyung laughs at this, and it may just be Seokjin imagining things, but it sounds even deeper than normal. “He’s not old. Don’t be mean, Kookie.”
Jungkook takes Seokjin’s arm, putting it over his shoulders as he makes a face at Taehyung, “Just call a cab, will you?”
Taehyung salutes, and they head back to their booth, Jungkook almost carrying Seokjin as he does. The goodbyes to his friends are muted, and Seokjin isn’t even sure he’s able to say them correctly. He’s still spinning and he doesn’t know when the merry go round is going to stop.
When the cab arrives, Seokjin lets Jungkook shove him in the back and settles his head on his brother’s shoulder once they’re all packed in. He doesn’t know why he feels this way. Jungkook had been right. He really hadn’t had that much to drink. But, he feels like he shotgunned at least five beers. His head is light, his body heavy. Maybe he really is getting old.
He can hear Jimin’s happy singing from the other side of Jungkook, he can feel the vibrations of his brother start to sing along underneath his head. But, he feels like he isn’t really there, like he’s floating above his body. And when Taehyung turns around in the passenger’s seat of the cab to grin at him, big and boxy, he wonders if you can get drunk off of a person. And if you can, he wonders if it’s wrong to get drunk off of someone who’s basically a younger brother to you. Someone you’ve known for over half of your life, someone you watched grow up.
And Taehyung has grown up, Seokjin realizes. He isn’t just one of Jungkook’s annoying little friends anymore, and he hasn’t been for a while. Seokjin wonders when that happened. He wonders when Taehyung stopped being a kid and started being someone who could reduce Seokjin to a drunk mess in the back of a taxi cab.
But, most of all Seokjin wonders just what the hell he’s going to do about it.
--
When he wakes up the next morning, Seokjin doesn’t know how he got to bed. He tries to remember, but all he can recall is Taehyung’s hands on his waist, Taehyung’s breath on his neck, Taehyung’s eyes, dark and hungry and beautiful.
Seokjin groans, burying his face in his hands. “What the hell is wrong with me?” He mutters to himself.
“I ask myself the same question all the time.”
The voice makes him jump in surprise, and he rolls over to find Jungkook laying next to him, mischief in his eyes.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” He teases.
Instead of answering, Seokjin asks, “Why are you in my bed?” It’s not like it’s completely unusual for the brothers to share a bed, but he doesn’t remember them falling asleep together.
Jungkook just chuckles, rolling over to face him. “Jiminie and Taehyungie are in mine. Do you really want me and Jimin sleeping in the same bed?”
No. No, he doesn’t want that. It had been different before they’d started dating, but now… Seokjin just wants to be careful.
But, something tugs at his mind. “They’re still here?” He asks, rather dumbly, his heart fluttering at the thought of seeing Taehyung again already.
Jungkook just scrunches up his face in confusion. “Uh, yeah.” He answers. “We all got trashed last night. Besides, it was in your itinerary that they stay over. Remember?” He reaches out and flicks Seokjin in the forehead.
Swatting his hand away, Seokjin rubs at the dull, short lasting pain. “Oh, yeah.” He says, remembering the set of directions he’d printed out for their birthday adventure.
Jungkook just laughs, looking at his brother like he knows a secret as he asks, “So, did you have fun? You know, it’s frowned upon to have a better time than the birthday boy at his own party.”
It’s Seokjin’s turn to look confused as he says, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Jungkook’s smile turns evil as he teases, “Oh, yeah. I’m sure you don’t. Am I gonna have to give your new boyfriend ‘the talk’?”
Seokjin sits up on his elbows, blinking at his brother. “New boyfriend? Are you still drunk?”
“Please, Hyung. I mean, Jimin and I knew it was only a matter of time. But, I had a bet that you’d last at least another year before you stopped being an oblivious idiot.” When Seokjin only blinks at him in clear uncomprehension, Jungkook continues, “You were all over Taehyungie-hyung last night, Jin. We all saw it.”
Seokjin chokes on nothing, entering a coughing fit and sitting up, finally managing in a strangled voice, “Taehyung? My new boyfriend? Now I know you’re still drunk.”
Jungkook sits up as well, a smug smile on his face that Seokjin has the strong urge to slap away. “Oh, really?” He reaches over in the sheets and extracts his cell phone. Holding it up with a little shake, he continues, “I have video proof.”
Seokjin blinks before reaching forward in an attempt to snatch away the phone. Jungkook pulls his arm back, and Seokjin falls on top of him, struggling to reach the rectangular device. Jungkook is giggling so hard that his eyes are closed. Well, at least one of them is having a good time.
Finally, Seokjin gives up and sits up once again. “Just show it to me.” He grumbles, a little afraid of what he’s going to see.
Jungkook’s giggling quiets to occasional tiny bursts as he skims through his photo gallery to find the video in question. Once he does, he turns the phone towards his brother, careful not to let go.
Horror enters Seokjin’s mind as he sees what went on the night before. Oh, god. Jungkook was right. He was all over Taehyung. They’re pressed so tightly together it looks like they’re trying to become one.
Covering his face, Seokjin falls back against his pillow again. “What the hell is wrong with me?” He whines for the second time since he’s woken up. “I’m a cradle robber. I should go to jail.”
He hears Jungkook laugh, “Don’t be ridiculous, Hyung. You’re both adults. You can do whatever you want.”
Seokjin moves his hands enough to peer at his younger brother with one eye. “How can you be okay with this? He’s your best friend. I’m your brother. Isn’t that weird?”
Jungkook just gives him a fond smile, “Maybe I thought it was weird at first. But, considering how long Taehyung has been going on and on about you, I’ve gotten used to the idea.”
Seokjin stills at this. “He… he has?”
“Oh my god, you really are dense.” Is the only response he gets as Jungkook settles back against his pillow.
They’re quiet for a moment and Seokjin fully drops his hands, staring at the ceiling. Finally, he says, “He’s not my boyfriend, Kookie.” This time he’s not just trying to defend himself. “I don’t even really know how I feel.” Maybe he has been starting to feel… something lately. But, that doesn’t mean he’s really figured out what that something is. It’s scary and new, and he’s still not sure that it’s okay.
He sees Jungkook shift out of the corner of his eye, and when he speaks, Seokjin knows he’s facing him, “Then don’t force yourself into anything. Taehyung is a big boy, he can handle it. Just because you two have enough sexual tension to fill up an entire room, doesn’t mean you have to be in love with him or anything.”
Seokjin turns his head to look at his little brother and asks, “When did you become an adult?” It’s something else that seemed to happen when he wasn’t looking.
Jungkook gives him that adorable scrunched nose smile that makes him look five years younger as he answers. “Well, it was my birthday yesterday.”
Seokjin finally laughs at this, choppy and silly, and gives Jungkook a playful shove.
Once he’s quieted down, Jungkook says softly, “You know I’ve got your back, whatever you want to do, right?”
Seokjin takes in a deep breath, not looking at him. “Yeah, I know.” He does know. He knows Jungkook would do anything for him, just like he’d do anything for Jungkook. He knows it’s why they get along so well, despite their bickering. He knows it’s why Jungkook keeps his darkest secrets. And he knows it’s why he won’t pester him to feel a certain way about Taehyung, even if the boy is his best friend. “I love you, Jungkookie.”
“I love you, too, Hyung.”
--
It’s surprisingly easy to be around Taehyung when Seokjin finally braves coming out of his room. It helps that the boy acts like nothing happened between them, and he’s pretty sure Jimin doesn’t remember the night before, at all. Not that Seokjin doesn’t believe that Jungkook won’t show Jimin the video as soon as they’re alone. He’s not that dense.
Seokjin manages to make them all breakfast, Jungkook milling around to help him as he does. And by the time the two boys finally leave, Seokjin wonders if he can just pretend that the night before never happened. It’s what his brain would like to do, but it doesn’t mean that’s what his body will let him do.
For the next few days, he keeps finding his mind wandering to Taehyung and the way he’d felt pressed up against him. He keeps thinking about his fingers, his chest, his eyes. Until he thinks he’s going to lose his mind.
“Are you dying or something?” Yoongi’s voice finds its way to his ears in the midst of his pining.
Seokjin is currently laying on the sofa inside of the recording booth at the studio, listening to Yoongi play something soft and slow on the piano. He’s been in this same position staring up at the ceiling, randomly groaning as he keeps trying to reel in his own dumb brain for the better part of an hour. He knows it’s annoying his friend, but he can’t seem to stop.
“Yes, actually. I think I am.” He answers without a hint of sarcasm.
“Well, can you stop? I really don’t feel like going through the hassle of finding a new assistant.” Yoongi drawls in that voice that says he’s kidding without actually wanting to let you know he is.
Seokjin huffs, “You’re such a kind friend, Yoongi-yah.” It’s a little too easy to be informal with Yoongi when they’re alone, but the other man doesn’t seem to mind. After all, they’d been close friends for years before Seokjin had been given the job, and Seokjin is older. Even if it’s only by three months.
Yoongi laughs, going back to whatever musical masterpiece he’s working on. They’re quiet again for a while and Seokjin thinks he might be able to fall asleep to the soft melody, when Yoongi stops. “You know you can talk to me if you need to.” He says, trying to make it sound like it isn’t a big deal. “I’ll listen.”
A heavy sigh escapes Seokjin’s lips. It isn’t the first time Yoongi has said this, but Seokjin finds he quite likes hearing it anyway. A gentle reminder that his friend is here for him. As if giving him a job when no one else would hadn’t been more than Seokjin can ever repay him for.
“I know.” He mutters, barely above a whisper. He’s thought about asking Yoongi what he thinks. He knows Taehyung, but they aren’t incredibly close. Maybe he’d have a more impartial view than Jungkook or Jimin, or even Hoseok and Namjoon. Seokjin has often counted on Yoongi to be the voice of reason in many situations. So, with only a little hesitation, he asks, “If I’m maybe starting to, uh, think about someone I maybe probably shouldn’t think about… is that bad?”
Yoongi resumes playing as he answers, “It depends, I guess. Is he married?”
Seokjin coughs out a laugh. “No. He’s not married. He’s single.”
“Is he an adult?”
“What? Of course, he’s an adult. What kind of person do you think I am?”
“Is he okay with you thinking about him?”
“Well, uh, yeah, I guess he is. From what I know.”
“Then, I’m not really sure what the issue is. Two consenting, unattached adults thinking about each other doesn’t strike me as bad.”
Seokjin lifts his head to look at Yoongi who’s still hunched over the piano. “Well,” He starts, “I’ve just known him for a long time and, I don’t know, it’s weird that I’m thinking about him like that all of a sudden. We’re kind of close and I just don’t want to lose what we have.”
Yoongi stops playing and turns to face Seokjin. “It’s not me, is it?”
Seokjin blinks at him before throwing his head back in a laugh, “What? You? No, it’s not you.”
“You didn’t have to laugh.” Yoongi says, sounding mildly offended.
Sitting up, Seokjin gives him a look of amusement. “Sorry, Yoongi-ssi. It’s not that you’re not a good looking guy,” Yoongi groans, turning back to the keys. “You’re just not my type.”
The music starts up again and Seokjin sits back against the couch, eyes unfocusing. Does he really even have a type? And if he does, does Taehyung fit that type? He tries to think of the men he’s gone on out with recently. Did any of them have a particular theme to them? He supposes they were all good looking, but he doesn’t think that counts. It’s easy to find good-looking people in Seoul. They all seemed to leave him within the first few dates. Is that a type? People who don’t stay? If that’s the case, that’s very much not who Taehyung is, at all. Taehyung has been in his life for so long that he doesn’t even remember what it was like before he was there.
Yoongi’s voice brings him out of his reverie, “Is he an actor?”
Seokjin lets out a strangled noise. “Absolutely not.” He’d made a pact to never date another actor ever again since he’d left the scene. He doesn’t trust any of them, not even the ones he used to call friends. None of them had stuck up for him when the media had butchered his name. Not one single person spoke up against the man who slandered him out of the film industry.
The only people who had defended him were his current friends, even though none of them were or are in the film industry. Yoongi and Namjoon are music producers, Hoseok a dance choreographer. Even Jimin, who’s still up and coming in musical theatre. None of them had ever really worked with Seokjin, so their statements didn’t seem to matter much to the media. They’d mattered to Seokjin, of course. Everything his friends had said and done to defend him had only made him love and respect them more.
“Good.” Yoongi muses. “None of them are worth your time.”
Seokjin can’t help the fond warmth that spreads in his chest. Yoongi had never doubted him, not for one single second. He’d taken one look at the media shitstorm and had disregarded it completely. One of these days, Seokjin is going to have to find a way to repay Yoongi for being the person he is.
Laying his head back against the couch, Seokjin sighs, “Maybe I should just be in love with you. At least you’re easy to figure out.”
Yoongi laughs at this, “I’m going to choose to take that as a compliment.”
Grinning up at the ceiling, Seokjin says, “Oh, you should.”
Yoongi is quiet for so long that Seokjin thinks they’ve dropped the subject before he finally asks, “Is it one of your brother’s friends?”
Lifting his head so quickly the room spins, Seokjin asks, “What?”
“Ah.” Even though Seokjin can’t see his face, he can hear the smirk in his voice. “It is.”
“I didn’t say that.” He tries to defend himself, but he knows it’s no use.
“It must be Taehyung.”
“Why must it be Taehyung?” Seokjin tries to sound offended, but it doesn’t come off too well.
“So, it’s Taehyung.”
Seokjin narrows his eyes at the back of Yoongi’s head as he says, “You know what, I take it back. I’m glad I’m not in love with you. You’re a big meanie.”
Chuckling, Yoongi turns to face him. “So, you’re in love with him, huh?”
His face instantly turns red and he scoffs, “I never said that!”
Yoongi is full on laughing now, and it reminds him of Jungkook and Seokjin wonders why everyone has to find his crisis so damn funny.
Crossing his arms, Seokjin pouts like a cross teenager until Yoongi quiets himself.
“I still don’t see what the issue is.” Yoongi says, standing from the piano bench and sitting down next to Seokjin.
“The issue is,” Seokjin says, turning to look at his friend. “I still remember when he was an annoying preteen who thought it was funny to draw dicks on everything!”
Yoongi gives him a look, “He doesn’t still do that, does he?”
“No. At least, I don’t think so.” From what Seokjin knows, Taehyung had graduated to painting actual pictures. One of the reasons he and Jungkook still get along so well.
“Then that’s clearly not who he is anymore. You were an annoying preteen once upon a time, too.”
That’s a fair assessment. It’s not Taehyung’s fault that he used to be younger, considering that’s how life works for everyone. Maybe it shouldn’t be as big of a deal as he’s making it out to be. Or maybe Seokjin should just never date anyone ever again.
Heaving a dramatic sigh, Seokjin leans forward to rest his forehead on Yoongi’s shoulder. “Maybe I should just die.” He breathes out.
Yoongi just chuckles, patting his head twice. “You really were born to be an actor.” He teases. But Seokjin doesn’t think he was born to be anything. So, he just stays silent and wonders what he’s going to do about his mess of a life.
--
It’s not even two weeks later that he has to deal with another birthday. This time it’s Namjoon, so this time it’s not in a club. Which Seokjin is thankful for, because he doesn’t think he can handle it again so soon.
The real problem this time is that he has a date.
He doesn’t know how it happened, if he’s being completely honest. He hadn’t meant to invite Yunseo to the party. He’d just been talking to him by the produce at the market. It wasn’t the first time Seokjin had run into him there and they’d both seemed to have the same affinity for bad dad jokes.
Everything seemed to be fine until he brought up the fact that he was going to Namjoon’s get together and somehow Yunseo had invited himself along with Seokjin not having much say in it.
In the end he thinks maybe it’s a good thing. It can get his mind off of Taehyung and how confusing his feelings for the boy still seem to be. Of course, Taehyung is also going to be at the party, but Seokjin can’t think of that. It doesn’t matter.
He’s a little relieved when he finds out that Taehyung and Jimin will be going over separately, even if it is a bit awkward to be alone in a taxi with Jungkook and Yunseo. It makes him realize just how little he knows about the man as he listens to his brother try to make awkward small talk with him.
It could be worse, he guesses. Taehyung could be here.
By the time they reach Namjoon and Hoseok’s apartment, Seokjin is glad to get out of the taxi and into the fresh air of the evening. On the walk inside, Seokjin can feel Yunseo trying to hold his hand, but he ignores it. They are totally not there yet.
When Hoseok opens the door and warmly welcomes them in, Seokjin feels the tension ease a little bit. Being around his friends will help his nerves, it has to. Besides, Hoseok and Namjoon’s apartment is probably the coziest place on earth.
They step inside and Namjoon comes up to them, handing Seokjin a glass of wine which he accepts without hesitation. Downing the glass rather quickly, he bothers his friend for another, which earns him a chuckle.
“Nervous for your date?” Namjoon asks, giving him a devilish grin.
“Something like that.” Seokjin mutters, already distracted.
Because this is when Taehyung and Jimin arrive and Seokjin’s eyes are drawn to the former against his will. Like there’s an invisible magnet pulling them together, Taehyung’s eyes lock on his and the younger boy offers him a small smile. It isn’t the boxy grin that Seokjin realizes he loves to see, but it’s enough to ease his anxiety just a bit.
However, the fact that Taehyung looks as good as he does raises a whole different set of issues. His hair is pulled back from his face, accentuating his strong features. The button up covering his torso is just a little too tight, and the dark pants seem to make it look like his legs stretch on for miles.
If there is a God out there somewhere, Seokjin sends a silent prayer to him that he makes it out of this party alive.
It’s about an hour into the affair, as he flits between his friends and their work colleagues, pointedly avoiding speaking to Taehyung, that Seokjin realizes he’s kind of accidentally ignoring his date a bit. He doesn’t really mean to. Just like he doesn’t really mean to keep looking at Taehyung when he’s supposed to be ignoring him.
So, he’s only mildly surprised when Yunseo pulls him aside to say, “Can you at least try to pay a little attention to me?”
Seokjin bites his lip, “I’m sorry.” He says genuinely. It’s just that Yunseo is so boring and his friends are not. “I will, I will.”
So they go back to polite talking and Seokjin tries, he really does. But, it’s getting harder and harder to ignore Taehyung, especially since they seem to be getting closer and closer to each other as the moments pass, like planets caught in orbit.
Taehyung, to his credit, hasn’t tried to speak to Seokjin, either. It makes him wonder if he’s mad at him for bringing a date when they still have this unspoken thing unresolved between them. Seokjin decides he doesn’t like the sound of that. He’s planning on dumping Yunseo after the party, anyway. So, he makes a pact with himself to invite Taehyung and Jimin over to their apartment for late night noodles.
“You know what?” Yunseo speaks up unexpectedly, tugging on Seokjin’s sleeve. “Why don’t we just get out of here?”
Seokjin blinks up at him, “What?” They’d only been at the party a little over an hour. It would be rude to leave now, and he doesn’t want to.
“You and me. Let’s get out of here.”
Seokjin frowns at him, “Why would we do that? These are my friends.”
“Because you’ve barely looked at me and I’d like to actually get the chance to talk to you.” Yunseo says, clearly irritated. “And something tells me I won’t get the chance to do that here.”
It’s reasonable, Seokjin thinks. Or it would be, if he wanted to spend more time with Yunseo. Which, honestly, he doesn’t.
“Sorry. I don’t want to leave.” Seokjin hopes he understands the message in his words.
Real anger flashes in Yunseo’s eyes, “Are you kidding me? I’m only here for you and you can’t even pay the slightest attention to me.”
Seokjin tries to apologize again, but Yunseo grabs his forearm tightly and suddenly his voice leaves him.
“Let’s go.” Yunseo says it like it’s an order, but Seokjin is rooted to the spot, staring at the hand that’s gripping his arm like a vice.
”You’re nothing without me. So, shut up and take it.”
Suddenly, Seokjin can’t breathe. It’s too warm, there’s too many people. He wants to say no. He wants to run and hide in a dark corner. Instead, he’s frozen.
Yunseo’s hand is suddenly ripped from his arm and someone is blocking Seokjin’s view of him.
“He said he doesn’t want to go.”
Seokjin blinks, expecting it to be Jungkook, but it’s not his brother. It’s Taehyung.
Of course, Jungkook is there in an instant, as well as Jimin, all three of them standing between Seokjin and his date. While Seokjin can only stay where he is, trying to get his sudden trembling under control.
“I think you should leave.” Namjoon’s voice this time, and Seokjin realizes he’s talking to Yunseo.
“I’ll walk you out.” Jungkook says, any trace of the awkward politeness he’d used with the man earlier replaced with a low, dangerous tone.
It seems like multiple people feel the need to walk Yunseo out of the apartment, but Seokjin barely notices. What he does notice is that all eyes are on him now, the comfortable atmosphere of the party ruined. It’s my fault. He realizes. And the eyes are too much for him, so he stutters out an apology and he makes his way through the apartment, through the kitchen and throws open the sliding glass door, finally taking refuge on the balcony.
It’s easier to breathe once he closes the door. The cool night air hits his skin and he takes several deep breaths to calm his shaking as he clings to the banister. As he calms down a bit, he realizes how much he’d overreacted. He was never in any danger. His friends were all around him, and it wasn’t like he couldn’t pull away from Yunseo.
It was stupid of him to freak out, he should have kept his cool. He knows this, but knowing something doesn’t make it happen.
Seokjin hears the sliding glass door open behind him and he jumps, whirling around, his heart suddenly beating out of his chest again, but it’s just Taehyung who’s giving him a concerned look.
At the sight of him, Seokjin feels extra embarrassed for acting like he did and he can feel his face heat. Turning back to the city, Seokjin blinks away the angry tears that fill his eyes without his permission. He absolutely cannot lose it in front of Taehyung. He can’t.
“Are you okay, Hyung?” Taehyung asks, voice laced with worry. He moves to stand next to Seokjin and Seokjin turns away from him. Why couldn’t it have been Jungkook who came to check on him? It’s not so embarrassing to break down in front of him, not when he knows what Seokjin went through.
“Uh, yeah. I’m fine.” Seokjin’s shaky voice says otherwise, and he curses himself for not being able to pull it together.
Taehyung doesn’t press, instead saying, “Jungkookie is worried about you. He said you shouldn’t be left alone right now.”
Seokjin feels a pang in his heart at this, “Did he send you to check on me, then?” The thought of Taehyung only coming here to appease his best friend hurts more than Seokjin would like to admit.
“No.” Taehyung doesn’t sound like he’s lying. “He was going to come, but I told him I’d do it.”
Seokjin takes a deep breath, turning his head to look at Taehyung. “Why?”
It’s a straight-forward question, or at least Seokjin thinks it is. But, Taehyung takes his time before answering, finally saying in his lovely baritone, “I care about you. I want to make sure you’re alright.”
No mention of Jungkook. No, ‘You’re my Hyung.’ It hits Seokjin in the chest and he can’t help noticing how beautiful Taehyung is in the moonlight. He’s painful to look at, so Seokjin buries his face in his hands.
“I’m sorry.” He chokes out, realizing he’s actually crying now, no matter how badly he wishes he wasn’t. “I ruined the party.”
“What? No you didn’t.” Taehyung sounds alarmed, but there’s no way Seokjin is going to remove his hands to look at him. Instead, he blindly backs away until his back hits the railing.
He feels Taehyung reach out to steady him as he wobbles and realizes he followed his movements. For some reason the futility in this small act only makes him feel worse, and he slides down the railing to sit on the concrete of the balcony.
Why is he so stupid? Why can’t he just not be a mess? Why couldn’t he just confidently kick Yunseo out of the party? He isn’t even actually afraid of him.
Seokjin’s breaths are heavier now, coming out more rapidly, and he wonders if he’s being punished. What did he do to deserve this, to deserve having a completely pointless panic attack in front of Taehyung of all people? Again he wishes Jungkook had come here instead.
“I ruin everything.” He hears himself say, words choppy and broken. “I ruin everything.” His friends are going to think he’s pathetic, Taehyung is going to think he’s pathetic. Because he is. Sad and pathetic.
“You don’t.” Taehyung’s voice is reaching a panic of its own, and Seokjin realizes it’s close and he must have knelt down with him. “You didn’t ruin anything, Hyung. Can you- can you look at me, please?” He’s trying to move Seokjin’s hands now, but he holds them firm. He doesn’t want Taehyung to see him like this, broken and stupid. “Hyung, please.” Taehyung tries for a soothing voice. “Seokjin-ah. Look at me. Please.”
He doesn’t know what it is, the informal name or the softness to his voice, but Seokjin finally lowers his hands and finds Taehyung’s dark, worried eyes. God, why is he so beautiful? He looks like an angel in the moonlight, sent from the heavens to torture Seokjin.
“Breathe with me, okay?” Taehyung says in that same soft tone, taking Seokjin’s hands in his. “We’re gonna take some deep breaths. I’ve been using a meditation app recently and it taught me this. It’ll help.” He offers a reassuring smile. “Just follow my lead.” Somewhere in the back of his mind, he feels like Taehyung has said that before, but Seokjin can only nod and he forgets everything else immediately as he stares at him, doing his best to copy his breathing.
Seokjin’s breaths are choppy at first, but eventually they even out and he’s able to match the long, slow ins and outs that Taehyung does. And finally his heartbeat has returned to normal and he’s no longer crying. Now all he feels is exhausted, like he’s just run a marathon even though he’d been standing still.
Taehyung sits back but doesn’t let go of his hands. “You okay, Hyung?” He asks.
“Yeah.” Seokjin says, and this time it doesn’t feel so forced. “Sorry.” Now that he’s not panicking, shame is creeping up on him.
“Don’t apologize.” Taehyung says. He finally lets go of Seokjin’s hands and moves to sit beside him, pressed against his side. Seokjin has to admit that the warmth of his body feels good in the chilly night air. He wants to press himself closer, wants Taehyung to wrap himself around Seokjin and never let go. This doesn’t happen, of course. But, Taehyung says, “We can go in whenever you want. It’s nice out here, anyway.”
Seokjin wipes whatever wetness is left on his face and he looks to the sliding glass door. The curtains are closed and he wonders when it happened. Had Taehyung closed them on his way out, or had someone else witnessed his shameful breakdown? Either way, he slumps against Taehyung, wishing he could be a different person, a better man. One who doesn’t have a breakdown when someone grabs his arm.
They’re quiet for a while and Seokjin tilts his head to watch the city below. He’s always been afraid of heights, but right now, pressed between Taehyung and the balcony railing, he likes feeling high up, like he’s above the rest of the world, watching it go by without him.
Suddenly, he has the urge to break the silence, and he asks, voice cracking a little, “You use a meditation app?”
Taehyung breathes out a quiet laugh and Seokjin turns his head to see him nod. “Yeah.” He answers, “It’s really been helping my anxiety.”
“You have anxiety?” He doesn’t mean to sound rude, and Seokjin hopes he doesn’t come off that way, but this is a surprise. He’d never known that. Taehyung has always been the type who’s constantly in motion, but he’s never been fidgety like Jungkook. Maybe Seokjin doesn’t know him as well as he thinks. For some reason, this thought makes him sad, but also excited. He wants to learn more, wants to know everything there is to know about the enigma that is Kim Taehyung.
“I do.” Taehyung plays with the bottom of his shirt, “It sucks. It’s usually not so bad when I’m in a comfortable environment. But, sometimes it doesn’t matter and Jimin or Jungkook have to talk me down. It’s a real pain in the ass.”
It sounds like he’s telling the truth and Seokjin wonders why he’s never known this about Taehyung before. Maybe the younger boy had been in a similar boat, maybe he just simply hadn’t wanted Seokjin to see him like that. It’s understandable, he thinks.
“I see.” Is all Seokjin can think to say, because what else is there to say? Nothing can really help.
Taehyung finally turns his head to look at Seokjin, who is again struck by his beauty, and he offers a small smile as he states, “You look better.”
Seokjin can’t imagine he looks very good right now. He certainly doesn’t feel very good. So, he just says, “Oh.”
Taehyung’s smile doesn’t falter as he asks, “Do you want to head back inside?”
Dread pools in the pit of his stomach at the thought of facing his friends after his display. He wishes he could fly right off of the balcony and away to his apartment to hide in his room forever, but he can’t and he figures he may as well get this over with. So he nods and Taehyung stands.
It’s a little more difficult for Seokjin to get up, and Taehyung takes his hands, almost pulling him to his feet. He only lets go of one hand, lacing their fingers together in the other.
“Let’s go.” He says reassuringly and turns to open the door.
“Taehyungie,” Seokjin starts and Taehyung looks back at him. “Thank you.”
The wide smile that makes its way on Taehyung’s face helps calm his nerves as he replies, “Any time.”
Then he turns back to the door, sliding it open and pulling the curtain out of the way to let Seokjin pass.
The warmth of the apartment helps Seokjin’s muscles relax and he realizes he’s more exhausted than he thought. All he wants to do is go home and curl up in bed for maybe two weeks.
As he and Taehyung enter the living room, he has just enough time to register that most people have left, leaving only their core friend group, before Jungkook jumps on him and he stumbles back a bit. His younger brother is clinging to him so tightly he feels his airways restrict a little bit.
“Are you okay, Hyung? Do you need anything? Should I get you anything? Are you okay?” Seokjin hugs him back, not answering, just glad to have him here.
“Sorry.” Yoongi says from where he’s sitting on the couch. “We told him not to do that.”
“We knew he would, anyway.” Hoseok laughs a little, clearly trying to ease the tension.
“I’m okay.” Seokjin finally says, and Jungkook pulls back to look at him, studying his face. “I’m sorry I ruined your party.”
“You didn’t ruin anything.” Namjoon says, giving him a soft smile.
“Yeah,” Jimin says, crossing his arms, “It was that asshole who invited himself. I can’t believe he did that. What an absolute tool.”
Taehyung laughs beside Seokjin, “I couldn’t have said it better myself.”
“I’ll call you guys a cab.” Hoseok says, standing from the couch and making his way to the kitchen. He stops to squeeze Seokjin’s shoulder and Seokjin feels his throat tighten at the gesture before he leaves.
When he turns back, Jungkook is still studying him. “I’m okay, Jungkookie. Stop staring at me.”
Jungkook doesn’t look completely convinced, but Jimin comes over to pull him away and he doesn’t fuss.
Seokjin finds a place to sit beside Yoongi as they wait for the cab and he’s quiet as they all make small talk. He finds his gaze wandering to Taehyung, who’s leaned against one of the plush chairs, talking with Namjoon about the newest addition to the collection at the art museum, and he takes him in.
He wonders again how much he doesn’t know about the boy. He wonders how much he’ll be able to figure out. All he knows is that he really wants to try to learn as much as he can. Will it ever be enough? Will Seokjin ever be enough?
He doesn’t know. But, as Taehyung’s gaze flicks to him, catching his eye, and he gives Seokjin a soft smile, Seokjin thinks maybe he might possibly be just a little bit in love with him. And for the first time, he thinks that might not be so bad, after all.