Archive of Our Own

Taehyung remembers the first time he realized he was in love with his best friend’s older brother. It wasn’t the first time they met. Far from it. At the tender age of fourteen, he’d still been figuring out his own wants, his own desires.

He supposes he could say that, aside from his family, Jimin was the first person he’d ever truly loved. They’d bonded so incredibly fast that it could only be considered fate. But, that love would never be more than anything platonic. Their love was and is a mutual respect, an even playing field of two people who would do anything for each other.

The second person he had decided to love was Jungkook.

One thing about Taehyung’s personality is that he has always enjoyed, and probably always will, being taken care of. It was probably why he’d formed such a fast friendship with Jimin, someone who thrives on doting on others. Jimin loves giving affection, and Taehyung loves receiving it.

But, with Jungkook, things have always been different. For the first time in his life, Taehyung found himself wanting to dote on someone else. He wanted to take the younger boy in, shelter him from anything that could dim the bright spark of innocence that always shone in his too round eyes.

For a little while, Taehyung was content to only love these two people. He didn’t really need anyone else to come too close, to discover all of his inner workings hidden by a fragile shell. Sure, he made plenty of friends. But those friends were always superficial. People he enjoyed being around, but no one who knew the true depths of what it meant to be Kim Taehyung.

The third person Taehyung ended up letting under his skin was more or less by happenstance.

At first, Seokjin had been little more than Jungkook’s cute older brother. He had his own life, his own friends. And maybe most other older brothers would have barely looked at either Taehyung or Jimin, but Seokjin was definitely not most older brothers. Did he think the three of them were annoying little shits? Of course. Over the years, Taehyung has lost count of how many spats he’d gotten into with each one of them. Especially Jungkook. Taehyung doesn’t think he’s ever seen Jungkook be more animated than when he’s in ‘Jin-hyung teasing mode’.

But, the real difference came in just how much Seokjin truly cared for his little brother, and by extension, the things that his little brother cared about. Which, obviously, included Taehyung himself.

So, this meant that Seokjin would (at first begrudgingly) care for his brother’s best friends just as he would his brother. And through this, Taehyung was able to discern just who Kim Seokjin really was.

In some ways, he was polar opposites to his younger brother. They both may have been shy, but Seokjin’s version of shy was charming, endearing. He never let it stop him from making friends, from caring for others even when he wasn’t completely comfortable. While Jungkook’s shyness was so thorough that there would be times when he would close up completely, a wide-eyed stone statue in the middle of a crowded room. In their younger years, Tae would often wonder how he’d gotten Jungkook to open up to him enough to become friends in the first place.

Perhaps it was this painful shyness that led to Seokjin holding on to his brother’s only friends, for fear that if he let them slip, Jungkook would be lonely forever. Taehyung can’t help but be grateful that he did, even though he’d had no plans of abandoning his friend. Because, it was in one of these moments, when Seokjin was clearly trying, that Tae was able to first discover his true feelings.

It had been a silly, petty fight. Taehyung doesn’t even remember what it was about. He doesn’t remember why he and Jungkook were screaming at each other, doesn’t remember why it made him so furious. What he does remember is storming out of Jungkook and Seokjin’s family home, stomping down the street, tears streaming down his face. He remembers feeling hurt and ashamed and wondering if Jungkook would ever even speak to him again.

What he remembers most is someone grabbing his arm, turning him around, and pulling him into a tight hug. He remembers the way Seokjin had petted at his hair, mumbling, “It’s okay, Taehyungie. He didn’t mean it.” He remembers clinging to Seokjin, breaking down in his arms right there on the sidewalk in the bright daylight. And Seokjin hadn’t laughed at him, hadn’t told him to stop being a child. He’d merely held on to him until he was done and urged him to come back, to make up with Jungkook and put this silliness behind them.

It had always awed Taehyung that he’d done this. He could have stayed home and comforted his brother, dismissing Taehyung and his feelings, and no one would have blamed him. But, he hadn’t. Seokjin had gone out of his way to stop him from running away and potentially losing his best friend. And he’d done it in such a way that could only be described as kind, as understanding. After that, it didn’t take much for the boy to trip and fall head over heels for someone who was no longer just his best friend’s older brother.

But, over the years, it would become apparent that his feelings were not reciprocated. After all, why would they be? Taehyung and Jimin both became as nothing but surrogate younger brothers to Seokjin. Annoying and silly, people he could play around with, people he would take care of, but nothing more than that.

Hell, Taehyung didn’t even mention his feelings to either of his best friends until the first time he’d gotten drunk. They’d stolen a bottle of Soju from Jimin’s father and hidden in the park underneath the slide, knowing how much trouble they would get in if they were found. It was when the alcohol had started making everything just a little funnier, and his vision just a little blurry that Taehyung found himself blurting out just how beautiful he’d thought Seokjin looked after he’d dyed his hair a deep red earlier that week as part of a character project he’d been working on in school.

Jimin had dissolved into incessant giggles while Jungkook had just exclaimed rather incredulously, “Did you just call my brother beautiful?”

“So what if I did?” Taehyung had snapped back, feeling much more brave thanks to the Soju in his bloodstream. “Anyone with eyes can see it.”

Jungkook’s already wide, doe-eyes were as round as they could go, giving him the look of a deer in the headlights as he’d cried, “Oh my god! Are you in love with him?!”

Jimin had stopped his giggling long enough to hiccup out, “Jungkookie, how have you not noticed?!”

Taehyung had been startled then, turning to Jimin and asking, “You knew?”

Giggles returning, Jimin could only nod at this question, making Taehyung suddenly nervous that he’d been completely obvious.

“I can’t believe this!” And when Taehyung had turned back to Jungkook, he’d truly looked as if it were the first time he was considering it. It gave Taehyung hope that no one but Jimin had caught on.

It wasn’t long before Jungkook was chasing Taehyung around the playground, threatening him with violence if he ever so much as thought about flirting with Seokjin. Taehyung had been too busy laughing at the adorable way Jungkook was baring his teeth as he chased him to really be too afraid of his younger friend. And in the end, Jungkook had slowly but surely come around to the idea.

It would be a while, of course, before Taehyung would hoard enough courage to actually officially start playfully flirting with Seokjin. And every time he did, it seemed like it would get shrugged off. At first, he tried not to mind, but the more it happened, the more discouraged he would get. To the point where Jimin had to force him into looking at other people, or dragging him on double dates.

Plenty of other people were nice, plenty of them would have been a reasonably good match with Taehyung. But, none of them had been Seokjin, so it didn’t matter. There had only been one other person, a pretty boy with an affinity for dangerous situations, that had held Taehyung’s gaze for longer than a moment.

Taehyung had been eighteen when he’d met him, so close to adulthood, yet so far. Still stifled by the life of a child, a life he no longer wanted to live. Minkyu was two years older, with a devilish charm and an aura that sucked Taehyung in.

Jimin hated him, Jungkook was afraid of him, but Taehyung was fascinated by him.

The problem was that Minkyu was a little bit crazy.

He would always want to do the most ridiculous things, things he would drag Taehyung into, that would end up with them either fearing for their lives, or running and hiding from the police. Taehyung thinks that it was the adrenaline rush that would keep him around, even when the more rational part of his brain was telling him how utterly stupid he was being. It made him feel alive, even when he was afraid of getting hurt.

But, his relationship with Minkyu came to an abrupt end in a circumstance that Taehyung should have seen coming. Minkyu had been caught doing one of his ridiculous stunts and sent to prison for a few years. The unexpected part of it, though, had been that Taehyung would most likely have been with him if it hadn’t been for Seokjin.

Seokjin and Minkyu had run around in the same social circles when they’d been in high school and Seokjin had heard about what the other boy would get up to. He’d never outright told Taehyung to stay away from him, not like Jimin, who would bristle at the mere mention of the boy. But, he’d like to mention every now and then how the people around Minkyu had the tendency to get hurt, or Taehyung would catch him giving that disapproving look when he’d regale one of their wacky adventures. Sometimes, Taehyung wonders how much more direct Seokjin would have been if it had been Jungkook in his place. How quickly he would have become like Jimin, shutting down any chance of a relationship happening.

But, to be completely honest, some small part of him liked worrying Seokjin. He liked seeing the concern in his eyes when Taehyung would tell him of a time he almost didn’t survive, or was almost caught in the act. He liked hearing ‘Be careful, please, Taehyungie.’ He liked it when Seokjin would try not to make it obvious when he would attempt to lead him away from Minkyu. Taehyung wanted him to care, he wanted him to want Taehyung to be safe. And maybe that was part of why he stuck around Minkyu for so long in the first place.

This time, Seokjin must have heard from one of his friends what Minkyu was going to be up to. He’d called Taehyung, telling him that he needed his help prepping for an audition that he had the next day. When Taehyung had asked why Jungkook or any of Seokjin’s friends couldn’t help, he’d had excuses for every single one. So, even though he’d promised Minkyu that he would be in on his little stunt, Taehyung couldn’t say no to Seokjin, and he’d agreed to come over.

The thing of it was that Seokjin never made it obvious that this was for Taehyung’s benefit. In fact, he’d made it seem like Taehyung was doing him a huge favor, practically begging him for help and bribing him by saying he’d cook whatever he wanted. So, Taehyung was alone with Seokjin, eating delicious food and laughing so much it made him sick, while Minkyu was getting thrown into the back of a police car.

Seokjin had ended up getting the part, and even though it was a silly nothing part in a silly nothing commercial, he’d called Taehyung his lucky charm and Taehyung had been so pleased with himself that he barely ever thought of Minkyu again.

The night that Seokjin found out that he’d landed his very first role in a real drama (not a web drama or a short, an honest to god drama that was going to play on a major network) was probably one of the hardest nights of Taehyung’s young life. Because Seokjin was just so happy and when he’d started drinking, he’d only gotten happier. He’d decided to celebrate in his and Jungkook’s new apartment since Jungkook was technically not old enough to drink in public just yet. He’d invited his friends as well as Taehyung and Jimin and for the rest of them, it had been a splendidly good time.

For Taehyung, it had been agony. Because, a happy drunk Seokjin was a Seokjin who wanted to be quite touchy. Mostly, he would hang all over Hoseok or Yoongi, the two people he seemed to be closest to. But, Yoongi would eventually shove him away and Hoseok preferred hanging onto Namjoon. Somehow this led Seokjin to Taehyung. Maybe it was because Jungkook was busy making heart eyes at Jimin as the older boy decided to make the living room his own personal dance floor, but poor unfortunate Taehyung was Seokjin’s victim for most of the night.

It was… intoxicating being so close to Seokjin, even without the help of the alcohol. The warmth of his skin, the sound of his ridiculous laugh, the smell of his shampoo; all of this was spinning around in his head as he could barely focus on anything other than the feel of Seokjin’s breath on his skin, or the adorable way he’d slur his words the longer the night went on. It was overwhelming in a way that made him feel like he was going to be sick.

Because, as much as he was hyper aware of all of these things, he knew that Seokjin was not, and it was a painful reminder of what he couldn’t have while that very thing was hanging from his neck.

It was Jungkook who’d eventually saved him, prying his brother away from his best friend and taking on the responsibility of being Seokjin’s new human walker. And in that moment, Taehyung took the opportunity to run and hide in Jungkook’s bedroom, wanting to wallow in the darkness just for a little while.

He had been in the middle of trying to keep himself from falling apart when Jimin had slipped in and sat beside him, rubbing his back and cooing, “Oh, Taehyungie. I’m sorry.”

And those few simple words had been enough to unravel any strength he had and he’d ended up breaking down right there, miserably muttering through his sobs, “He’s so beautiful. He’ll never love me.”

Jimin could do little more than hold on to him and let him cry, because he’d thought the same at the time. Seokjin would never look twice at Taehyung, would never think of him as more than his little brother’s friend. But, Taehyung had been in love with him for so long, he didn’t think he could ever stop. And maybe it was going to be the death of him.

So, he’d tried again. He’d really tried to find someone else, but he could never commit, could never do much more than physical things, pointless moments that would only sate the animalistic side to himself. And the one time he ended up calling out Seokjin’s name when he was in bed with another man, he knew that even these things were hollow if he wasn’t there.

The first time Taehyung had made up his mind about confessing his feelings, he’d been interrupted by something that would turn into a petty fight with Seokjin, and it wouldn’t be until years later, when he finally understood what the boy had been going through, that he would understand why they’d gotten in a fight, at all.

He’d walked into the brothers’ apartment for the dinner Seokjin had promised to make his dongsaengs that evening and he had steeled himself for his inevitable confession by drinking just a little too much before his arrival. But, once he’d come in, once he’d taken one look at Seokjin, his mind had been pulled in another direction.

“You’ve lost weight.” He’d announced like it was some kind of revelation.

The three other occupants of the apartment had all turned to look at him, puzzled by his sudden outburst.

“Hello to you, too.” Seokjin had said, something odd in his eyes that even sober, Taehyung didn’t think he’d be able to place. But, Taehyung noticed the dark bruises underneath them, wondering when they’d appeared. Maybe it was because it had been almost two weeks since he’d seen Seokjin, but he looked different, smaller. And not just because of the weight loss.

“Are you drunk?” Jimin had asked him, partially teasing, partially annoyed.

“Of course not.” Taehyung had half-heartedly answered, crossing the space until he was almost on top of Seokjin, who startled at his sudden closeness.

“Are you offering to help me?” Seokjin had asked, clearly uncomfortable with whatever Taehyung was doing. To be honest, he didn’t know himself.

“What’s wrong with your face?” Taehyung had asked in lieu of an answer. Jimin had come over to them, putting a hand on Taehyung’s arm to drag him away, but he refused to move.

“Nothing.” Seokjin had answered, studying him closely. “My face is as lovely as ever.”

Jimin tugged on him again, saying, “Let’s have a seat, Taehyung-ah.”

“Yah, you shouldn’t be drinking this much so early in the evening.” Seokjin had said, shaking his head and moving to return to his cooking.

Feeling suddenly like a scolded child, Taehyung had merely snapped back, “I can drink whenever I want. And stop pushing me, Jiminie.” He struggled out of Jimin’s grip, crossing his arms over his chest. “I don’t have to be drunk to want to know why Seokjin-hyung looks like a zombie.”

Seokjin had just ignored him, but Taehyung could see something burning in his eyes. Jungkook had scoffed, coming over to help Jimin try to sit Taehyung down, saying, “Will you leave him alone? Are you trying to pick a fight before we even get to eat?”

Taehyung had just huffed, pulling out of Jungkook’s grasp and moving forward, taking Seokjin’s arm in an attempt to get the older boy to face him once more. This had proven to be the wrong move, because in a flash, Seokjin dropped the spoon he was holding and shoved Taehyung back so hard that he stumbled.

“Don’t touch me!” Seokjin had said so vehemently that it startled all three of the others, and they blinked at him as he continued, “If you want to come into my home and start insulting me and acting like a drunk asshole, you can just fucking leave!”

Taehyung didn’t feel very drunk anymore, the look on Seokjin’s face, the aggression in his voice sobering him up rather quickly. He didn’t know how to respond to this. Seokjin had never spoken to him like this before. For all of his scolding and moods, he’d never full on shouted like this.

“Hyung,” Jungkook had started, clearly trying to diffuse the situation that had escalated so very quickly.

Rounding on his brother, Seokjin had spat, “What?”

“He didn’t mean anything by it.” Jimin had chimed in, pulling out a soothing voice that did little to calm the white hot anger in the older boy.

With a scoff, Seokjin had rolled his eyes, muttering, “Poor Taehyungie. Did mean Seokjinnie hurt your feelings? We can’t do that, now, can we? We know how sensitive you are.”

That had hurt, like a pinprick to the heart, and Taehyung could feel tears welling up in his eyes that he tried to blink back because Seokjin was glaring at him, daring him to retort. But, he was too surprised to fight back, so Jungkook did it for him.

“What the hell, Hyung? Who’s being an asshole now?”

Seokjin had thrown his hands up at this, ripping off his apron and throwing it on the ground. “You can both coddle Taehyung by yourselves. Forget about dinner.” And with that, he’d stomped away and into his bedroom, slamming the door shut behind him.

The three of them had sat in quiet shock for a moment, before Jungkook had moved forward, turning off the stove, cursing to himself, and following his brother into his room, closing the door again behind him.

When he was finally alone with Jimin, Taehyung had finally found his voice again, muttering shakily, “I didn’t mean to insult him.”

“I know, Taehyungie.” Jimin had said, wrapping his arms around him. “Just wait until he cools down and then apologize, okay?”

“Okay.” Taehyung had murmured, holding on to his best friend tightly. Even though part of him was afraid that he’d fundamentally ruined his relationship with Seokjin.

He hadn’t, of course. It was only a few days later that they’d ended up making up, both of them apologizing for their behavior. Seokjin had blamed it on long days of filming and not being able to get much sleep, but Taehyung had never fully believed him. He knew what Seokjin was like when he was tired, and it wasn’t like that. But, he hadn’t wanted to run the risk of another fight, so he’d kept his thoughts to himself. Watching from the sidelines.

When Taehyung had found out about Seokjin getting kicked off of his drama, he felt a lot of emotions. The biggest one being surprise. His friends linked him to article after article of Seokjin’s so called ‘monstrous behavior’ and how he’d exploded, leaving no choice but to fire him from the show, despite the fact that they were so close to finishing. It had to be some kind of mistake, some strange plot to bring the boy down even though Taehyung couldn’t understand why.

He had tried to go to him the next day, but had been stopped by Jungkook, who simply commanded, “Leave him alone, Taehyung. You and Jimin should probably be scarce for the next few days.”

This had done nothing but make Taehyung worry, so he’d asked, “Why? Is he okay? What happened, Jungkookie?”

Looking positively murderous, Jungkook had simply stated, “It’s a long story, but he didn’t do anything wrong. And he doesn’t need you two getting in his face about it.”

Offended, Taehyung had just huffed, saying, “I can be a little more tactful than that, you know.”

“Please, Hyungie.” Jungkook had said, face crumpling as his resolve to be stern faded in an instant. “I can’t… I can’t.”

Taehyung never got to know what Jungkook couldn’t do, but he’d pulled him into a tight hug and he’d let him cry against his shoulder, and he’d kept his prodding to himself.

So, he’d listened to his friend and he’d given Seokjin space, even though he’d been dying to see him, to make sure he was okay. The supportive texts he’d sent were left unreplied to, and he’d thought he might go out of his skin until he’d finally been able to see him.

It was less than a week, but it had felt like an eternity before Jungkook was inviting him and Jimin over to eat take out and watch bad movies that they had every intention of making fun of.

He’d told himself he would play it cool, try to act like it was just like any other evening at the brothers’ apartment, but the moment he walked in, the moment he saw him, he just couldn’t help himself.

He’d strolled right over to Seokjin and pulled him into a tight hug, wanting to say without words that he was here for him. To his surprise, Seokjin hadn’t pushed him off. In fact, he’d clung to him, pulling him tighter. Maybe he’d needed this. Maybe he’d just needed the support. And in just a moment, Jimin was there, too, not one to be outdone in the affection department.

The three of them had stayed like that for a few moments before Jungkook had loudly cleared his throat and declared that they needed to place their order and they’d broken apart. After that, the evening had been almost normal. Seokjin still seemed quieter, but he’d also seemed lighter than he had in months, like a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. It had made Taehyung burn with questions. He’d wanted to know exactly what happened, just what had gone on on that set to make him so miserable that he’d gotten himself kicked off. But, he also knew that he could never ask, so he kept his worry to himself and he pretended to just be a friend.

For two years Taehyung tried to hang out on the sidelines, relieved with every passing day that Seokjin seemed to be going back to his old self, at least mostly. He’d started working for Yoongi, and Taehyung wondered if it was just because they were so close, if he’d really be willing to be just an assistant to anyone else. It didn’t really suit him, at least not to Taehyung. Maybe it was because for as long as he’d known the older boy, all he’d wanted to do was act. But, that one thing, that one experience had ruined it for him for the foreseeable future, and Taehyung hated that. He hated seeing a star as bright as Seokjin dimmed so quickly and reduced to little more than an errand boy.

But, it wasn’t his place to tell Seokjin how to live, so again, he kept it to himself.

He doesn’t know when it happened, but slowly things started to shift between them. Small things would begin to feel different, more charged. And Taehyung used this as an opportunity to start flirting with him again. After all, he’d already broken his own heart countless times since he’d fallen in love with Seokjin, what was once more?

Incredibly, Taehyung’s heart remained intact. Because, at some point, Seokjin was starting to flirt back. At first, he’d thought he was imagining things, that his sheer want was making him hallucinate the smiles and the looks and the lingering touches. Because Seokjin didn’t have those feelings. He never had. So, he couldn’t be giving him bedroom eyes out of nowhere.

On the night of Jungkook’s twenty-second birthday, everything changed.

He had planned to get drunk and get lost in a beautiful stranger, possibly making Seokjin maybe just a little jealous in the process. What he hadn’t planned was dealing with a guy who’d leaned in close to whisper incredibly disgusting things in his ear and not getting the chance to tell him to fuck off before Seokjin was in between them, doing it for him.

It wasn’t new for Seokjin to be protective. He’d always been that way. But the fury in his voice, the way he shielded Taehyung so quickly, something about it had felt different and Taehyung had felt his heart clench tightly. It was now or never. He had to know if he was in this alone. He had to know if there was something there, something he could cling on to and use to pull himself up out of this hole he’d been buried in since he was fifteen.

So, he pulled Seokjin in for a dance. And immediately he’d known there was something to hold on to, even as Seokjin stuttered out a “Y-you know I-I can’t d-dance.”, fear plain on his face. But, Taehyung didn’t think the fear was only about dancing and he’d wanted to get past it, to see what he was hiding. So, he’d promised he would never hurt the older boy (because he wouldn’t, not in a million years) and he’d pulled him close.

To his surprise, Seokjin had folded rather quickly, allowing himself to be pressed into the younger boy, almost as if he’d been waiting for it too, but not quite ready to admit it. And being this close, holding on to the boy he loved so tightly, with hope that there was finally something he could cling to, it was invigorating, intoxicating. He thought he could stay like this forever, music or no.

They didn’t end up staying like that forever, of course. It had been far too soon when Jungkook had pulled them apart, insisting that they needed to go home for poor Jimin’s sake. If a war of emotions hadn’t been going on inside of Taehyung at that moment, he might have murdered his best friend right then and there.

And as he’d looked at Seokjin, stumbling and heavy lidded, he realized that he’d already managed to latch on, and all he needed to do was start pulling. The problem was, he didn’t know how hard or how fast to pull, not wanting to be knocked loose only to fall back down to the bottom of the pit. No, he had to be patient and slowly work his way up. He’d waited this long, he could wait a little while longer.

He’d made it to Namjoon’s birthday before he’d done anything bold.

When he’d heard that Seokjin was bringing a date, he’d been admittedly disheartened. After all, the two of them had finally started a dance, one that Taehyung hadn’t wanted to end any time soon. Afraid to lose what he’d gained, Taehyung didn’t fight it. At least not then. He would let Seokjin come to him if he wanted. He couldn’t force him, he’d learned that a long time ago.

Still, he’d been secretly quite happy to see that the date didn’t seem to be going too well. It would be a lie to say he hadn’t been spying on them as much as possible without being too obvious. Jimin had slapped him a few times when he’d started staring, warning him that he was going to end up in a fight if he kept looking at someone else’s date like that. But, it wasn’t like Taehyung could just ignore how good Seokjin looked, hair pulled to the side, pastel colors bringing out the tone of his pale skin.

Besides, Seokjin kept looking back.

Taehyung had been pretty sure that Seokjin had spent more time stealing glances at him than actually paying attention to his date. It left Taehyung feeling quite smug, and glad he’d decided to dress just a little immodestly. He wasn’t above becoming a homewrecker if it meant getting to Seokjin.

But, the night had ended up taking a strange, unwelcome turn when Yunseo had turned angry. Not that Taehyung could blame him for feeling ignored by his date. He would have felt bad for him if he hadn’t gotten physical. The moment he’d seen the fear flood into Seokjin’s eyes and the hand gripping him tightly, a fury he’d never known poured into his veins and he’d taken the strides to cross the small gap between them and he’d not so gently wrenched him away, putting himself between Seokjin and the man who definitely didn’t deserve to even look at him.

It had been a group effort to get Yunseo to leave, who’d complained and threatened the entire time. Jungkook had been the most insistent of them, practically shoving Yunseo out of the apartment and into the elevator, daring the man to try coming back. In that moment, Taehyung remembered just how scary his young friend could be when he wanted to.

When they’d come back inside to find Seokjin missing, Hoseok had crowded close to them, saying, “He’s out on the balcony. Is he okay, Jungkookie? I didn’t see what happened.”

Taehyung hadn’t been sure if Jungkook had even seen what had happened himself, but his brow had furrowed in deep concern and he’d said, “He’s alone? Why did you let him go off alone? I need to go to him.”

He’d started forward, but Taehyung had stopped him, earning him a look of indignant fury, “Wait.” He’d said. “Let me.”

The fury had faded, replaced with a mix of disbelief and annoyance. “You?” He’d asked, like he hadn’t known about Taehyung’s feelings for literal years. “He needs me.”

“Maybe.” Taehyung had replied, not wanting to give up. Because he needed to be the one to do this. He needed to help Seokjin just this once. He’d never helped him before, not really. Not when he’d clearly needed it. This was his chance to change, to actually be worth the feelings he wanted to receive. “But, you worrying over him might just make him feel worse. Let me help him. Please.”

Maybe it was the sad excuse, or maybe it was the desperation in his voice, but Jungkook had reluctantly nodded and backed down with a simple, “Fine.”

So, Taehyung had made his way out to the balcony, closing the curtains behind him to avoid curious onlookers.

The moment he’d come out, Seokjin had whirled around like he might be under attack. It had worry gnawing at Taehyung like a wild animal as he tried to be as non threatening as possible. Even on the worst days, Taehyung had never seen Seokjin like this, and it had made him wonder just how much the older boy had hidden from him; how much Jungkook had hidden from him. He hadn’t liked the thought, at all.

It had been when he’d started legitimately crying that Taehyung had begun to panic a bit. The only times in his life when he’d seen Seokjin cry had been in a scene or when he was watching a particularly sappy movie. But this wasn’t that. This was real, visceral anguish. And it broke Taehyung’s heart.

Somehow, with the help of some simple breathing exercises, he’d managed to calm Seokjin enough to get him to stop crying. The look he’d given Taehyung, though, as he’d come down and landed back on Earth, had been the saddest piece of art the boy had ever seen. It was a look of pure exhaustion, deep and aching, and Taehyung had longed to pull him close and give him a place to sleep for the next decade.

He hadn’t, of course. He’d been respectful, pulling away to sit beside him until he’d been ready to go inside, and then he’d let Jungkook steal him away, merely saying goodbye when he’d left. He’d wished he could have gone with Seokjin, staying close to him as a guardian, never letting another terrible thing touch him, but he hadn’t. He’d gone home, crawling into bed with Jimin and talking with him until his friend had fallen asleep, and he’d stayed awake the rest of the night, staring at the ceiling as he remembered Seokjin’s pained sobbing and the real fear in his eyes. He’d replayed Seokjin’s words over and over in his head.

”I ruin everything.” He’d said.

But, Taehyung disagreed. Seokjin was responsible for so many good moments in his life that if he’d tried to make a list, it might just be endless. Somehow, someway, he needed to start being the reason for Seokjin’s good moments, too. He just needed an opportunity.

Every moment they’d been together after this, Taehyung had been careful to be the best he could be. He made Seokjin laugh, he kept up his playful flirting, he reminded him how great he was at pretty much everything he did. It was simply unacceptable to see Seokjin suffering again, so he’d done what he could to make sure it never happened in Taehyung’s presence.

But, every time they were together, he kept hoping for more. He didn’t want to be just Seokjin’s friend, not anymore. Not when he’d gotten just a little tease of what could develop between them. Though, honestly, the moment that orchestrated their first kiss had been completely unplanned. He hadn’t known that Jungkook and Jimin would blow off their movie night. He hadn’t even been aware that any party was going on.

When Seokjin had explained it, fuming and fussing, Taehyung had instantly wondered if this was his chance, his moment to take things one step further. And as they settled down for the movies, Taehyung had a brief moment to wonder if they were in a sitcom. It was just too perfect. Jumpy, easily frightened Seokjin had basically leaped into Taehyung’s lap, giving him the perfect excuse to hold on tight. When Seokjin hadn’t pulled away, Taehyung had thought his heart would beat out of his chest. He was holding Seokjin, his face buried in Taehyung’s neck, and he had never experienced something so thrilling in his entire goddamn life.

The kiss had been almost out of nowhere. One moment they were simply watching one of Taehyung’s favorite movies, the next they were looking at each other and he could see the want in Seokjin’s eyes, could feel his body tense in preparation for what was to come. And Seokjin had kissed him.

His entire body had gone up in flames when their lips connected, leaving little room for any real thoughts other than the feel of every single place they were pressed together. Taehyung had wanted this for so long, dreamed of it night after night, waking up sweaty and aroused. But, no dream could do this moment justice. No fantasy could compare to the white hot sensation of finally getting to kiss Kim Seokjin.

When they’d pulled away, Taehyung had been in awe of a properly flustered Seokjin, breathing heavily, eyes dark with want. If he was truly a painter, he would have liked to put this moment on a canvas so it could be viewed by millions of people for the rest of time.

Instead, he’d merely muttered, “Too much?”

Seokjin’s answering, “Just a little.” tethered Taehyung back to his body, and he reminded himself that the older boy definitely did not have years of pent up frustrations to take out on him.

So, he’d done his best to lighten the mood, feeling for the first time in a long time like he finally had a chance at real happiness with the person he’d been in love with for half of his life. He should have known he’d mess it up, because he did. And the guilt that hit him from the fear that pushed itself into Seokjin’s eyes felt like a ton of bricks.

“Has someone hurt you before?” He’d heard himself asking. Because, really, he burned to know. Every little part of him yearned to know just what had been done to the one person who’d deserved it the least. Jungkook’s sobs invaded his mind again, making the disappointment all that much worse when Seokjin had avoided answering. So, he would have to wait for his answer. And he would wait, because he’d finally gotten a good grip on Seokjin and he was so close to breaching the top of the pit, he could see the sunlight and he wasn’t going to risk sliding back.

Even the worst sickness Taehyung had ever felt in his entire life wouldn’t keep him from seeing Seokjin. By the time the older boy’s birthday rolled around, Taehyung was already so damn whipped, he would have gone to the party crawling on his hands and knees if he had to.

It only made it worse when he’d woken up to banging on the bathroom door and the worried voice of his boss calling, “Taehyung-ssi, Taehyung-ssi.”

When he’d realized what time it was, Taehyung had all but fallen on the floor in apology for unintentionally slacking on his job. But, he’d quickly been sent home, and during the bus ride, it had taken everything in him not to fall asleep again. He’d never been so utterly cold in his entire life. He hadn’t stopped shaking since he’d woken up, and it was a feat to work the elevator buttons of Seokjin’s apartment building. On his third attempt at typing in the passcode to the brothers’ apartment, he’d wondered if his hands were going to freeze and fall off.

Thankfully, Seokjin had appeared in the doorway then, looking every bit a beautiful prince who’d come to heal Taehyung’s sickness. He’d dragged him inside and promptly put him to bed. There, stuffed inside of Seokjin’s hoodie, buried underneath the blankets, he could finally feel a bit of warmth seep back into his frozen body. Maybe it was the warm concern in Seokjin’s eyes, or the way Taehyung’s heart fluttered every time he called him ‘love’. But, he’d thought to himself that if he did die here, it might not be so bad.

He hadn’t ended up dying, of course. He doesn’t remember much of what had happened next. He’d been swept up, with both Seokjin and Jungkook taking him to the hospital. And by the time his fever had started to come down, he’d been staring up at the white ceiling for what had seemed like an eternity.

When he’d finally started coming back to himself, he’d thought that everything would be okay, and he’d be able to look back on this and laugh. That is until Seokjin had decided to make his exit. When he’d basically rejected Taehyung, reminding him that they definitely did not share the same passion for their relationship, he’d started spiraling a bit.

Jimin and Jungkook had both tried to calm him, telling him he was overreacting. But, he’d been so exhausted and miserable already that this moment had caused his feet to slip, and he’d slid back down into the pit inside his heart just a little.

“What if he leaves me?” He’d cried into his hands, anxiety spiking so badly that Jimin had had to hold him painfully close, murmuring soothing words into his ear.

“He won’t leave you.” Jungkook had said so certainly that it actually helped to chip away at some of the anxiety. “And I’m not just saying that to make you feel better. He’s just scared, but he’s totally head over heels for you. Just give him time.”

Taehyung had wondered just how much time he’d needed to give as he recovered in his lonely bedroom for days afterward. He’d spent most of the time willing Seokjin to text, to call, anything. But, he’d been silent and the doubt had started to creep in again, despite Jungkook’s words. What if Seokjin really did want to leave him? What if he’d finally had enough of the boy who’d caused him so much grief since they were teens?

The day Seokjin finally showed up at Taehyung’s apartment, anxiety in his lovely eyes, looking somehow more ethereal than he had before, Taehyung had been sure it would be to break up with him, to try and let him down gently. But, there would be no gently for him, not as long as he’d been in love. And he didn’t think he could hear it.

Fortunately, the gods had smiled on him that day, and Seokjin hadn’t wanted to leave him, at all. Jungkook had been right. He’d simply been afraid, and Taehyung was finally able to learn why.

It was what he’d wanted to learn for over two years, but Taehyung couldn’t say he was happy to finally know it. He’s not a stupid man, despite how naive he could come across. He’d always known that there were predators, especially in the entertainment industry. But, he’d never thought that Seokjin; confident, lovely, angelic man that he is, could fall prey to one. And the thought made him sick. To hear just how badly that monster had gotten under his skin made Taehyung want to wring someone’s neck. How could Seokjin have been seriously considering suicide without Taehyung knowing?

It was an eye opener, a reminder that Taehyung really had only been on the outside looking in when it came to Seokjin, no matter how much he’d dreamed of being closer. But, he was no longer on the outside. He’d wormed his way in, and he had every intention of staying there.

So, later when they’d migrated to Taehyung’s bed and Seokjin had fallen asleep in his arms, he’d promised himself that he would do everything in his power to protect this man with his life. He would take every hurt, every pain that was thrown Seokjin’s way, because he deserved nothing but happiness, and he’d already gone through too much grief.

By the time Taehyung’s birthday arrived, he was at the mouth of the pit, hands finally reaching the dirt of solid ground. He hadn’t realized that one single moment could turn their relationship around, but it had. Seokjin had become more confident, less held back. It was like he’d finally allowed himself to really be with Taehyung the way Taehyung had always wanted him to, and there was nowhere to go but up.

While he’d been fantasizing about sex with Seokjin, Taehyung had done his very best not to push it on him, especially after finding out how others had not been so conscious of pushing themselves on his body. And honestly, Taehyung wondered if maybe he should teach a class on patience with the amount of it he’d had to show over the years. But, in the end, it had all been worth it.

Waiting for Seokjin had been worth it, and the euphoria of being so completely entangled with the literal love of his life had been capped off by one single phrase.

“I love you, Taehyungie.”

And just like that, Taehyung had pulled his way out of the pit and was on solid ground, the wind in his face and Seokjin holding onto him.

“I love you.”

No three words had ever been more beautiful in the history of the world.

Seokjin loved him, he was in love with him. If fifteen year old Taehyung could know this moment was coming, maybe he would have done some things differently.

Or maybe not, maybe he would have done everything exactly the same. Because in the end, Seokjin had come to him, had done what Taehyung had been too scared to do himself for years. He’d brought them together and Taehyung had no intention of breaking away.

Because, as he’d figured out quite a while ago, he would be in this for life, no matter what. Seokjin is his and he is Seokjin’s and he wouldn’t want anyone or anything else.