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Christopher doesn’t truly register what he has done until a couple of seconds after it happened.
Grace was in the middle of picking a new flask for their new experiment after the last one blew up in flames when he pulled her into him and kissed her.
Kissing Grace felt like a natural extension of the many other moments they had shared already, it felt as easy as talking to her about his experiments, hearing her thoughts and ideas, like the feeling of her hand brushing his when she handed ingredients over or the softness of her arm clasped on his when he took her on a walk.
The kiss felt no more or less important than the other thousand little touches, words and looks they exchanged over the last few months: it was more like a conclusion, like the final breakthrough in his latest investigation, the one that would provide him answers to the questions that kept him up at night.
Except that, this time, what kept him up was not a matter of science, but a matter of the heart. It was always Grace, her gray eyes, her nearly white hair, the shy sound of her laugh, her hesitant smile.
But also more, so much more: her brilliant mind that could complete his sentences with ease, her surprisingly patient nature that would never rush him to finish his ramblings, her calming demeanor and delicate hands that could measure ingredients and treat wounds with the same level of competence.
Still, the kiss did provide him answers. It confirmed his suspicions of Grace’s lips being as soft as the rest of her features, assured Kit the slow of her back could fit perfectly against the palm of his hand and it certainly affirmed the thought that had lingered in the back of his mind this whole time: there was nothing in the world that couldn’t be improved by her presence.
It was not like Christopher had plenty of experience when it came to kissing brilliant and gorgeous ladies, but he did kiss one or two girls in his lifetime, most out of curiosity than anything else, yet no true interest for those girls had been sparkled by those experiences.
He started to suspect now that the reason behind his lack of interest was that none of those girls were Grace. They didn’t smile at him with the same amount of affection, nor did their minds rush in the same speed as hers. They didn’t have her compassion, hidden away behind layers of learnt-coldness or her fierceness kept under the calm exterior demeanor.
When he steps back, lips twitching and hands still tightly locked around Grace’s waist, she looks up slowly to focus on him. She appears to be as shocked as he feels, but her hands are still resting at his shoulders with a surprisingly strong hold.
He notices some steads of her hair fell down from the clips that were holding it up and Kit feels like he must be dreaming because there is no way he is lucky enough to see her like this, without any of her usual composure.
“Grace, I... By the angel, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have...” Kit trails off, not knowing how to finish any of his sentences, not being able to speak while his mind is filled with the memories of Grace’s lips on his, her warmth covering his whole body, her arms around his neck.
She says nothing and, for a second, Kit wonders if he misread the look on her face, if he went too far or did something he wasn’t supposed to do, but Grace smiles softly at him, almost as if she can tell he is struggling.
“Kit, I need to ask you a question.” She starts, stepping back, but brining the palm of his left hand up and placing her own on top of it. “You must be completely honest when answering it, though.”
“Of course, I can do that.” Kit complied, still concerned about the serious semblance that took over her face.
“Why did you kiss me?” Grace doesn’t tear her eyes away from his when she talks and that is what allows Christopher to grasp the fear and uncertainty that appear on her face for a second before being swept away again. It is clear asking such thing took a tool on her, which shows the answer means a great deal.
Christopher stops for a moment and wonders how he could give her the answer she wanted to hear. That was his job, after all, wasn’t it? Finding answers, figuring out why and how and when things happen.
Although, Grace did ask for his honest reply... Perhaps the simple truth was all she truly wished to have. She never demanded him to filter his words and thoughts around her, always welcoming his entire mind into her world, never picking up which pieces she was interested in.
Grace always took all he offered her and he wasn’t about to change that.
“I kissed you because you are Grace.” He spoke, finally, and her face dropped.
Her mouth turned into a thin line and the hand holding his stilled, almost as if Grace wasn’t made out of flesh and bone, but of porcelain. Despair washed over Kit at her reaction and he rushed to talk again, but she interrupted him, taking her hand away from his hold.
“What do you mean to say with that? Simply because I have had compromises with gentlemen before, that does not give you the liberty to-”
Christopher felt his eyes widen at the insinuation behind her words and he lunged towards her once again.
“I didn’t mean to offend you by saying that, Grace, not at all.” Christopher continued, carefully placing a kiss on Grace’s hand, which did make some color rush back to her cheeks. “Quite the opposite, I hold you in the greatest esteem, regardless of whatever compromises you might have had.”
Grace softens in front of him and Kit curses himself for his lack of tact when answering her.
“You’re Grace, who never complains about my endless speeches on things no one else cares about, you’re the one person who can always keep up, you’re brilliant, far more than you believe. I have held your hand, felt your scent, heard your laugh and, yet, none of those things were enough. I needed more from you; I still do… I need all that you’re willing to give me, Grace. That’s why I kissed you.”
Grace lets out a shaky breath at his words, seeming to be taken aback by what he just said. She bites her bottom lip, flushing it red, which causes Kit’s eyes to drop from her gaze to the area. He realizes what he has just done and shakes his head quickly, trying to concentrate on the much more pressing matter at hand when Grace speaks again.
“Christopher, do you understand what you’re asking? You know my story, how I came to Tatiana and how she changed me. You know about the horrible things I did-”
“To survive. I know everything you did to survive and that doesn’t change what I think of you.”
“And I appreciate that, more than you can possibly know. Still, if we go on with this, people will talk. They will talk behind our backs and even in front of us. They will accuse me of manipulating you and most certainly will make comments about my past engagement. They will offend you every way they can… I won’t be able to bare it if you resent me for their actions.”
“I would never resent you for something you have no control over, that would be illogical. Also, I know exactly who you are, as you pointed out. I know you would never use your power on me or try to force me to do anything against my will. Every moment I spent by your side was real and exactly what I wanted. Let people talk, the Angel knows I was never one to listen to them. If you say you want this – us, together -, I will stay with you. I will stay with you for as long as you’ll have me.”
Grace blinks very quickly and, in a shock, Kit realizes she’s fighting back tears. He wonders if he said too much, if his words were too harsh, but there is no time to wonder about that because Grace is stepping back into his arms, embracing him completely, her head tucked into his neck.
After a moment, Grace moved slowly and faced him again, her eyes drew to his lips and, very carefully, she bent her head to lay a kiss there.
“Grace, darling, are you fine?” Christopher finds the words slipping from his mouth before he can think them through and, suddenly, Grace is looking up at him once more and a hesitant smile is forming on her lips.
“Did you just call me “darling”, Christopher Ligthwood?” There is an amusement to Grace’s voice that sends shivers down his spine as she speaks. Christopher feels his cheeks blushing as he struggles to respond.
“I may have... I feel like I must add I was feeling very nervous and my brain usually betrays me in those moments, as you already know-”
“I’m well aware, indeed.” Grace interrupts and any sign of discomfort has disappeared from her gaze. “There is no need for you to continue to feel nervous, I quite liked it.”
“You- You did?” Kit inclined his head slightly, feeling more confused than anything else.
“Yes, Kit, I did. The truth is that I quite like you.” Grace confessed finally.
Christopher froze exactly as he was, trying to figure out if he had heard the girl correctly. Had the latest potion he exploded caused severe mental damage to his brain? Was he sleeping right now and dreaming of those words leaving her lips?
“I have liked you ever since I broke into this decrepit lab in the middle of the night and you didn’t even blink an eye before offering me a tour and helping me out. I liked you when you set things on fire and cared more about protecting me than putting them off. I like you because you are kind and good, so genuinely good that you don’t even see it.”
Grace stops for a moment to catch her breath, after talking non-stop for a minute or two, and she lays a hand in Kit’s cheek. He can’t help but close his eyes as he leans into the touch.
“You love inventing and creating things no one else could dream of, not because you are thrilled by the fame it could bring you, but simply because you enjoy helping people.” She continues, carefully placing her forehead against him.
“I never met anyone like this, I never even thought I was deserving of having someone like you on my life. So, when you kissed me, I let myself believe that maybe, just maybe, I actually was worthy.”
At that, Kit opened his eyes, startled by the mere mention of Grace not being worthy of him, but she just shook her head, indicating she wasn’t done talking.
“So, I had to know why you did that, do you understand? I had to know because, if you didn’t feel the same way and I allowed myself to hope for something more... That would crush me. When you said you kissed me because I was “Grace”, I panicked because I have never associated myself with anything positive, so how could I believe you could do it?”
She laughed weakly, but there was no true joy attached to the sound.
“I am truly sorry I assumed you were ill-intended, that was just my mind playing tricks on me.”
“It happens to the very best of us, my darling Grace.” He answered, knowing there was nothing he could say to smoothen the pain on her face right now.
To this day, he still didn’t know the true extent of Tatiana’s cruelty to which Grace had been exposed to. He could only imagine the type of damage caused by an upbringing spent by that woman’s side.
Nonetheless, she had failed to corrupt Grace at her very core. The girl standing in front of him was still caring, smart and kind, yet hesitant to show such traces.
“Does it mean you are willing, then? To face what people will say about us, what they might think of... Of our... Understanding?”
Kit wonders if he could have phrased that in a worse way if he tried, but it is too late to take it back now, so he shuts up and hopes Grace can make sense of his rambling, as she usually does.
“Yes, Kit, I am willing.” Grace confirmed, appearing to be exasperated and amazed at the same measure. Christopher smiles so widely he fears his face is being ripped in two, but he remained still as Grace kept her gaze on his.
He thought back to her words, how she has never been able to associate herself with anything positive and Kit felt anger burning at the pit of his stomach: anger for what Tatiana forced Grace to do for her own gain, for the way that despicable woman made Grace believe she could only be loved if she was useful and even more anger for the pain forced upon her for years on end.
The anger kept him locked in place, afraid that, if he moved too soon, if he gave in to the overwhelming affection he felt for her deep inside his bones, she might misinterpret that for something else. He did find her beautiful and very much kissable and he did wish to hold her hand at any time and hug her as strongly as humanly possible, but Christopher found himself hesitating for some long seconds.
“Christopher.” Grace said, finally, after what seemed to be the longest minute of his life.
He didn’t say anything, but nodded to indicate he was listening. She took a step forward, then another and another and, suddenly, Grace was standing close enough her hair was brushing his forearm. Her dress hem was covering his shoes and Grace’s breath was tingling his neck. “Could you kiss me, please?”
He let out a laugh, surprised, and the anger subsided under the brightness of her smile. Kit nodded again, agreeing with her request, finding himself rendered speechless. Carefully, he placed a hand on the small of her back and brushed the hair away from her left cheek with the other. He kept his hold of her face on that place and bent his head to lay a kiss on her forehead. She shivered, moving her hands through his arms until tightly holding on to both his shoulders. He moved his mouth to her cheekbone and chin as she pushed herself up, tiptoeing to reach his lips.
Finally, she brushed her mouth against his and melted against his body. Christopher didn’t know what he was doing and Grace could definitely tell, he knew, but she didn’t seem to mind at all. She traced a path from his shoulders to his face to his neck with the tip of her fingers and tilted his head just slightly to ease the kiss and Kit found himself trembling over her touch.
In that split second, Christopher thought back to his favorite words from who Matthew deemed to be his first love, Marie Curie: "Nothing in life is to be feared; it is only to be understood”. For years, he convinced himself love was something for the likes of his friends, those who were bright, shiny and vibrant, who lived life with their hearts on their sleeves, who didn’t spend so much time on their own little worlds or decrepit labs. Kit thought he was satisfied with his own dullness next to the much more interesting souls surrounding him... Yet, he realized he simply didn’t understand love and, therefore, he feared it, preferring to assume it wasn’t meant for him.
Love was this.
It was knowing someone’s worst and deciding you could bare it because their best was so much more valuable to you.
It was the sound of Grace’s laugh when he told her the story of how he blew up the Academy for the first time. It was the small squeal of excitement she made without restrain when he gifted her a pair of lab spectacles that actually fit her face, the pure joy on her eyes when he took her to meet the Devil Tavern on a rare sunny afternoon.
Grace kissed him one more time before they parted again, both breathless and flushed.
“I have to buy you a new coat.” She whispered to him.
“What?” Kit asked, wondering if being on the receiving end of her kisses had managed to drive him mad after all. “Why?”
“If we are to have an understanding, you must ask for my brother’s permission. I will not allow you to do so in the same coat you spilled icor all over, darling.”
Christopher grinned, not brushing past Grace’s adoration of the term “darling”. He would call her that every day for the rest of their lives if it kept on making her so happy.
“As you wish, Grace.” He granted, as she laid her head against his chest. “As long as I can buy you a new coat, too.” She looked up at him, lost.
“Why would you do that?”
“Well, if we are to be at equal ground, you must ask for my sister’s permission too and Anna will not admit anything but perfection on the occasion.”
The laughter that escaped Grace on that moment was so genuine that it managed to fill Christopher’s mind for years to come.