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1.
Sapnap doesn’t remember much of his early childhood. He remembers going to the nether with his father on day trips for quartz, being held by his dad, the parties his parents held, the move into the new house, and of course the constant fighting. The fighting never ended, Sapnap learned that as he got older. Once when Dream came over, he asked a question Sapnap didn’t quite understand.
“So, do they ever stop fighting?”
“No, not really.”
Dream frowned, patting his friend's shoulder.
“Don’t worry, mama says she doesn’t think they’ll divorce.”
Even mentioning the words made Sapnap burst into tears, white hot lava streaming from his eyes. Faintly he heard his dads shouting as Bad (or whom he assumed was Bad) hurried over to comfort him, as Skeppy pulled Dream away to avoid burning himself. Bad soothed him as he hiccuped, thick globs of lava melting the dirt off his face.
“D-do you and Dad hate each other?” Sapnap asked, eyes wide as he looked into Bad’s own milky pupils.
“What? No. Of course not! Sure he’s a muffin head, but he’s my muffin head. Also I wouldn’t live with him if I didn’t.” Bad replied, wiping the tears from Sapnaps face and grabbing a tissue he kept in his pocket. As Bad dabbed on his cheeks with the rapidly burning tissue, Skeppy finally walked over.
“What happened? Do I need to beat Dream up? I’m not above hitting a kid,” he joked, kneeling before his son.
“Sap thought we hated each other,” Bad explained.
“Well, we do.”
Sapnap burst into another round of tears as Bad scolded Skeppy, the shorter responding “I didn’t think he would take it seriously!”
“He’s a child, Skeppy! He takes everything at face value!”
“I thought he would at least understand that we don’t hate each other!”
“Well he didn’t.”
“I wonder who’s fault that is?”
“Oh no, mister. Don’t blame Sapnap’s lack of understanding of sarcasm and humor on me, you’re the one who stays at home. You should have been teaching him!”
Puffy walked over, hefting Dream in her arms, Foolish holding her other hand. The sheep reprimanded the two men, before turning to Sapnap.
“Your dads don’t hate each other and they’re not getting a divorce. They love each other very much, look, Skeppy is wearing the sand bottle earrings Bad gave him. And Bad is wearing the diamond ring Skeppy gave him. They love each other and people who love each other tend to fight, but they’ll still love each other.” Puffy explained, before inviting Sapnap over for a (tear-free) playdate.
2.
Sapnap loved helping Puffy go through old photos. Pictures of her with a crew on the seas, fighting other pirates over treasure, her smiling and hugging Niki as they opened their flower shop. Sometimes when he found an especially interesting photo he could convince her to tell him the story in the picture. As Sapnap sorted through the many that held her and Foolish he encountered one he hadn’t seen.
“Hey Puffy, when was this taken?”
“Huh, oh! That was around a year before Bad and Skeppy found you. It’s their ‘binding ceremony’ which is a fancy word for a Demon wedding.”
Sapnap looked at the picture, Bad had a soft look on his face, looking at Skeppy rather than the camera as Skeppy was being held up by a pug, a man in a beaver onesie and a monster girl(?).
“Y’know, I remember the wedding in detail, you want the story?”
“Hell yeah.”
“Ok, so Bad insisted we follow the rules to a T, no seeing the other, no contact, all that shit. Bad was worrying so much, couldn't eat or drink anything. I had just adopted Foolish so he was trying to calm Bad down while stuffing his face with the hors devours they had in the room. At the actual ceremony Bad started crying when Skeppy came in, causing Skeppy to run over despite the ceremonial music. Skeppy had to stop him from crying which made him cry more because he felt like he ruined the wedding. Skeppy helped him calm down, and then Hbomb read the vows. They exchanged their token jewelry, Skeppy’s sand earring and Bad’s diamond halo ring. The after party got pretty crazy, Finn, Spifey and Vurb all made Skeppy wear a wedding dress and toted him around. Velvet and Ant were tormenting Bad about crying at the wedding, which is ironic because they were crying too, but whatever. There was a lot of dancing and drunk singing and we all laughed at Skeppy being drunk; a year or so later they found you.”
Sapnap smiled, imagining the party. Vurb was always fun to hang out with, though he could be a bit much. Velvet and Ant were well known for being weird, spurring Sapnap to wish he could travel through time to watch them in all their wedding shenanigans. Puffy tapped him on the leg, urging him to continue helping her sort. He apologized, before picking up the next few photos.
3.
House cleaning in Sapnap’s family home was,,, chaotic to say the least.
“We agreed, this is MY room, Bad.”
“No, we agreed the other one was yours, you decorated it.”
“I decorated the whole house, y’know, cuz it’s MY house!”
“Oh ho ho, I’m sorry Mr. I’m-barely-here. Why don’t you just go build another?”
“No, this one took me forever. If you want a mansion you make one yourself.”
Sapnap slumped over a chair downstairs, listening to his parents fight in the kitchen, texting Dream, Quackity, George and Karl.
Karl: Dude they don’t share a room??
Sapnap: oh they do. They just have a guest room that the other insist is the others room for some reason
They share a bed and say it’s because “it’s easier to buy one mattress than two”
Dream: math checks out
Sapnap: shut up
Dream: So it yourself coward 😏
Karl: ok im leaving, nice talking to you.
Sapnap: Karl wait no I love you bby
Karl: Just for you
Quackity: Holy shit, you guys are blowing up my phone. I’m busy
Dream: nobody is ever texting you specifically
Or cares
Go back to fueling your gambling addiction
Quackity: dick move dream. Dick move
:p
Sapnap: I saw that in my parents texts after Skeppy had sent “wanna head to BDI for some fun?”
And I have never been the same
Karl: holy hell
Dream: damn, that fucking sucks :p :p
Sapnap: DreM I hate you
Dream: I’ll care when you spell my name right :D
Sapnap:🖕
4.
“Pleaseeeee?”
“I said we’ll think about it.”
“You guys go to BDI all the time! But when I ask to go it’s ‘ we’ll think about it’ ? This is so unfair.”
“Sapnap, that island was for emergencies only.”
“So you and Dad go hang out there all the time for ‘emergencies’? Ok sure.” Sapnap huffed. His father could be unfair. All he was asking was to get away with his friends for a little while to the island his parents owned that they didn’t even use.
“Listen, you should understand. You’re asking for a group of you and your friends, all of whom are young and have a penchant for mischief. Do any of you even know how to administer first aid?”
“Well no, but Dream is functionally immortal. So that’s like, really close.”
“It’s nowhere near close, Sap. Listen, I just don’t want any of you getting hurt, yes, I know we own it and you are all legal adults, but I’m not sure you’re fully capable of not getting hurt.”
“You and Dad get hurt all the time, but all of a sudden I can’t?”
“Sapnap that’s a dumb equivalence and you know it,” Bad said, crossing his arms, before turning to Skeppy, “Skeppy, do you think Sapnap should be allowed to go spend a week on BDI for a week?”
“Huh? Yeah I guess, I dunno, he’s an adult.”
“S’geppy!”
“Oh my god, whAT? WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME NOW?!”
“I'M NOT, YOU'RE YELLING!”
“IM YELLING BECAUSE YOU WERE-“
Sapnap left the room, snagging the keys to the beach house and hurrying over to the nether portal. Sure, when he got home he would be grounded but it was better than listening to his parents fight for the 1000th time.
5.
His dad was living in the shed. Ok, well he didn’t LIVE there but he did build an entire shed just to have a house away from his father, which his Father then tried to take over.
“Why do you guys fight over the house so much? Didn’t you both build it?”
“No, I built it and Bad moved in.” Skeppy huffed, Bad let out a scoff before ramming back into the door.
“Let me in Skeppy, you can’t lock me out of my own house forever.”
“For the last time Bad, it’s not your house.”
“It’s on my property!“
“For the last time, you both live here. It’s our house!” Sapnap snapped, realizing his parents weren’t going to get anywhere with this.
“Hey wait, why do you still live here?” Skeppy asked, easing the door open before quickly shutting it upon seeing Bad try to wiggle in.
“Huh? What do you mean?”
“Y’know, you're an adult, and uh… maybe you should have your own home.” Bad said, smiling softly. He couldn’t believe this was happening. Sapnap, at the ripe old age of 20 was being kicked out of the family home.
“wHAT?! Are you kicking me out?”
“What! No-“
“Yes, absolutely.” Skeppy responded, nodding solemnly. Bad squawked, turning to the other before reprimanding him.
“All we’re saying is you should look into your own place,,,”
“I have my own house, I just like it here.”
“What?”
“What?”
Both his parents fixed him with incredulous faces, before looking between themselves. Sapnap looked between them, torn between laughing and crying.
“D-did you think I never had my own place?”
“I mean-“
“Well,,, you spend an awful amount of nights here.”
“Yeah, to hang out with you guys! I live in Kinoko with Karl and George,”
“Wait, George has a house?” Bad asked, sounding genuinely surprised.
“YES?! He’s lived there for a year now!”
“Ohh, is that why he’s always asking me to visit?”
Sapnap resisted the urge to curse, simply inhaling sharply and turning to his dad.
“Please tell me he’s joking.”
“As much as I’d love to, he is dead serious.”
Sapnap turned and began taking the prime path to Kinoko. He couldn’t deal with this today, or frankly any day, Skeppy could handle that mess himself.
+1.
Sapnap had many questions about how weddings went. I mean, he had attended one (one that ended with George crashing it and taking Dream) but even that didn’t explain how to run one. So on the week before his own he asked the only two other people he knew who were happily married.
“Pa, how’d you and Skeppy get together?”
“Hm? What'd you mean?”
“Y’know, like how’d you meet and how did it become,” Sapnap gestured to the house around them, “this.”
“Oh, we were both travelers and he caught me in one of his traps, anyways he released me and we traveled together until we got here. We became friends and that’s that.”
“Then when did you know you wanted to get married?”
“Huh? I’m not married?”
“Wait, what?”
“Skeppy and I aren’t married, we did the binding ceremony but that’s it.”
“Ok, but like when you started dating or whatever.”
Bad gave him a confused look, simply responding “we aren’t dating.”
“Wait, then what are you?”
“We’re best friends.”
“You own a house together.”
“So? It saves on bills.”
“You own a private island?!”
“Yeah, for backup in case the whole of the SMP gets nuked. Better safe than sorry.”
“You raised me! I call him dad?!”
“I originally found you, Skeppy just went aw cool, and you started calling him Dad and me Papa and we just let it go.”
“Puffy keeps saying you have “divorces”
“That’s an ongoing joke she has.”
“I don’t think you understand Pa, you have single-handedly upended my life.”
Bad cocked his head to one side like a confused dog, before blinking innocently back at Sapnap.
“I never knew you thought we were married, I just thought y’know, you considered Skeppy a second father.”
“I saw pictures of your wedding. It looks a lot like you’re married.”
Bad chuckled, before giving Sapnap a hug.
“There there, I’m not mad. If you want you can still call us dad and papa.”
+2.
“I remember around a year ago, Papa had told me he and Dad weren’t married, and had just been friends. Well, pardon my launguage but ‘ so that was a fucking lie, ’” Sapnap joked, holding up his champagne flute to his parents, now formally married. Skeppy rolled his eyes while giving Sap a look that was somewhere between ‘I taught you well,’ and ‘We get it you little shit,’ while Bad let out a ‘language,’ that wasn’t heard over the laughter present.
“Anyways, since I’m don’t exposing one dad, let’s move onto the other. Skeppy, I love you, you're the closest thing I have to a father,,,one that left to get the milk and comes back to collect payments, but a father nonetheless.” The crowd let out more laughs as Skeppy pouted, chucking to himself at that one.
“Seriously though, these two were made for each other. Despite the fighting and the dysfunctionality, they’re some of the best parents in the world. So without further ado, congrats Dads’. Now you can share a bed and don't have to make up a shit excuse.”
“It’s a valid reason!”
“Sure pa, sure it is.”