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Between the past, the present, and the future, Doyoung has always been thinking about what's to come. He always wanted to somehow make the future how he plans it to be. He didn't want to think about the mistakes of the past nor did he want to be submerged in the disappointments of the present. He was always anxious about tomorrow, but his goal was always to go forward for the better.
To live in the present was more of Yuta's thing. Yuta, the epitome of hedonism. The man who would always be there for him even when the world is falling down. The man that claims he doesn't know how to comfort people but whose mere presence makes him feel safe. Yuta, the love of his life.
Yet none of them bothered too much with the past. Going back to something they can't even change just seemed so pointless to them— so they just leave the past to where it should be.
And now, as he sat in the driver's seat at a red light, Doyoung asked himself why.
—
"You can't just stay on one page, Dons! How will you know how a book ends if you keep on going back, making up theories instead of seeing it for yourself?" Yuta said as they both sat in the sand of a secluded beach they both found one day and came to call their own. Doyoung had a bad day and was worrying about the next, and Yuta— being the calming boyfriend that he is, took it upon himself to cheer the younger up.
As those words left Yuta's mouth, Doyoung couldn't help the smile slowly creeping up on his face due to the ethereal sight of Yuta— with that goddamn smile of his, and his bright red hair blowing through the wind.
"I don't think I'll be able to move on from a page if it's with you" The younger replied, now reciprocating a smile that meant the world to the older.
—
Why is it only now that he paid no mind to the future? Why is it only now that he wishes he lived in the present? Why is it only now that he so desperately wants to go back to the past?
Each moment passed like a blur. Too quick to look back on, but too slow to live in. His thoughts were no longer running around his head, but rather just passing by— whether they were just impatient to get answers or they were actually scared to know the answer is something he guesses doesn't matter anymore.
The light turned green just as he was getting mesmerized by the beautiful sight of sundown. There he was, driving in the middle of the road, with lots of other cars driving by beside him. Some might be going home to their families, some might be going to their friend's house, some might be going on a road trip with their significant other.
It was then that he realized how lonely he was.
Sure, he had friends. He had great friends, even. And yet no matter how many people he associated himself with, no matter how many people was around him, and no matter how many people made him happy— nothing could ever compare to the feeling that only his love Yuta gives him.
He misses that feeling. Similar to hearing the calming sounds of water streams while laying down on green pastures. Similar to sitting beside the fireplace on a cold night, wearing the comfiest pair of pyjamas and a cup of his favorite drink in one hand. Similar to listening to the quiet of the night with nothing else to think of. Similar, yet it somehow feels like a million times better. But most of all, he missed the person that makes him feel that way.
He misses Yuta.
He misses late night conversations with Yuta dreaming about all the good things. He misses the voicemails Yuta sends him whenever he's busy because he's cheesy that way. Hell, he misses getting forced by Yuta to go out and travel. He missed Yuta who always knew what to do to make him feel better even when the worse comes to worst.
He used to fantasize about the future, and now he dreams about the past. After all, there wasn't much he could do. The time has come and gone, and nothing could turn it back.
—
After a month, Yuta was finally getting back home from Japan. Even with constant messages and calls, the both of them were elated to get to see each other again.
Doyoung stayed at home in anticipation, the news faintly playing on the television as he cleaned around their house. It was all good, everything was going well, until the news anchor made an announcement.
Each word that came out of the reporter's mouth became more and more clear with each second. A plane on the way from Kansai to Gimpo crashed. And it was the same flight Yuta was on. Plane crash. Yuta.
The reporter mentioned the names of those who lost their lives in the accident. “Please don’t mention his name, please don’t mention his name…” With his glossy eyes from the tears threatening to fall down, Doyoung kept repeating those words like a mantra. And as the reporter kept on talking, it felt as if his entire world has collapsed right at that moment.
Yuta Nakamoto.
Doyoung’s hand flew to his chest, grabbing onto his shirt as Yuta’s name left the reporter’s mouth. He couldn’t believe what he heard. His tears started to fall down. Those words, that name, infinitely echoed through his brain. He fell to his knees, earning a scrape from the hardwood floors. But nothing could ever compare to the pain he felt from the news brought unto him.
He didn’t know how to process it all, so he didn’t.
He thought that maybe, as gruesome as it may be, this could all just be some sick sort of joke. Maybe this all just some movie he could ignore and say that it never happened. Maybe, this feeling of his heart dropping to his stomach, this feeling of all the air getting sucked out his lungs, this feeling that the darkest storm has loomed around and over him and the had nowhere else to go to— maybe, just maybe, he’s were all just some stupid dream.
But that wasn’t the case, wasn’t it?
—
It’s been a month and a half now since that happened, and Doyoung was just the slightest bit better. It was hard for him. How couldn’t it be?
Yuta, the same man he swore with to spend the rest of their lives together, is now gone.
Doyoung already accepted it, he just haven't moved on yet. He knows he has to— sooner or later, but it was tough for him to let go of something and someone that was and still is one of the biggest factors in his life.
Without his love, he didn't know what else to do. He didn't know what to look forward to after a long, tiring day. He didn't know who he'll laugh for even when their jokes aren't really that funny. He didn't know what's to come.
He did the best he can to at least try and be happy, after all, Yuta would want that for him too, right? But god, did he have such a hard time doing so. Everything reminded him of Yuta. So he went with it.
He did what he knew best. He did what he knew yuta would do best. He did the things Yuta used to do for him when he needed it most.
There he was, driving along the roads with songs from the playlist he made together with the older playing softly in the car. Despite the heaviness and the gaping hole that he felt from his lover's absence, no tears dared to spill out this time. After years of being with the oh, so spiritual Nakamoto Yuta, he's also been influenced. He knew Yuta was still there with him, in many more ways but physical.
As if on cue, he heard Yuta's voice. It was soft, gentle, but clear.
"The future's not so clear, but I'll help you see; there's so much more to life than you and me."
And that was enough for a subtle smile to make its way onto his face. Was it all just in his head? He has no idea, but it felt comforting enough for him to not care. It felt so familiar, so real, and so warm to him.
So he just drived under the sunset.
And for once, he actually enjoy to look back on the past. And maybe— just maybe, Yuta was looking back with him too.