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Jean couldn’t get the knot to unravel in his chest as they got closer and closer to the banquet hall. He spotted the Raven’s bus as they parked. They were there. His former teammates were there. He didn’t know how the Nest had changed after he left, after Riko died, after Tetsuji resigned, but he still felt that guilt writhing in his stomach.
Survivor’s guilt, Jean’s therapist had called it. He’d had a lengthy talk with Kevin after that session. He knew that Kevin experienced it too, that he wasn’t alone. He knew that he had no reason to feel guilty about getting out of a bad situation. It was just hard to believe sometimes and having to face his teammates again? That was the perfect recipe to regurgitate all that guilt he was so desperately trying to get rid of.
“Hey,” a voice said.
Jeremy Knox had sat next to him for the ride to the banquet. They never went to the winter banquet last year because it had been too much for Jean. Jeremy stayed behind since Jean still wasn’t quite okay with being left alone, especially on a night where the rest of the Trojans were going to see the Ravens.
This was Jean’s first time seeing them off the court. It was also the first time he had a date. At the Nest, they weren’t allowed to date. It was a new experience for him, to have someone on his arm, someone who would stick by him for the night, and not in a suffocating way like it was with Riko.
His date, of course, was Jeremy Knox. Now, it seemed impossible that anyone could be anything less than in love with Jeremy Knox, but when he first arrived at USC, he didn’t trust the smile that Jeremy so freely offered him. It was only after living together for months that Jean realized the smile was hiding something, though it was nothing sinister like he expected.
Jeremy talked to him about his depression, about how sometimes he struggled to simply get out of bed, how some days, the sunny facade he’d become so well known for was so exhausting, he’d skip his classes after practice because it would drain him of all of his “spoons”, as Jeremy called it. It was only then that Jean started to really trust Jeremy.
He didn’t know how they went from friends to more, but as Jean looked back at it, it seemed like the only natural progression for their relationship. He was glad for it, happy for what felt like the first time in his life. Though now, at the precipice of seeing his old team, it was just another factor to add to his nerves. No one outside the Trojans knew they were together. What would they say? Would they say anything at all? Would they yell at him or would there merely be whispers that floated through the hall?
“Hey,” Jeremy said again, putting a hand on Jean’s knee. “It’s gonna be okay.”
Jean let out a breath. Shakily, he took Jeremy’s hand in his. “Of course, it will. I have you.”
And Jeremy beamed.
~
It wasn’t okay. It really wasn’t okay. They were sat one table away from the Ravens. All throughout dinner, they shot Jean nasty glares. When Jean took Jeremy’s hand for moral support, one of the Raven’s covered her mouth as she whispered into her teammate's ear. He dropped Jeremy’s hand after that, leaning away from him ever so slightly, hoping Jeremy wouldn’t notice.
But, of course, Jeremy noticed. He always did.
Jeremy gave Jean his space after that, only pulling him aside once they were done with dinner, free to roam around and mingle with the other teams. No one was watching them then, though Jean still looked around to make sure. Jeremy put a reassuring arm on his shoulder. Jean relaxed, focusing back on his boyfriend. He reached down and took Jeremy’s hand in his own, placing a quick kiss to the back of it.
“ Je suis désolé .”
Jeremy furrowed his eyebrows. “What do you have to be sorry about?”
“I have been cold to you all evening.”
Jeremy’s look softened. He brought the hand holding Jean’s to his heart and held it here. “You haven’t been as cold as you think. Besides, I get it. I saw them too. It’s okay if you want a little distance tonight. I know how hard it can be.”
“Do you?”
Jeremy nodded. “I came out as bi in high school. When I got my first boyfriend, I was so excited to go to prom with him. He was excited too. I remember spending so long trying to find the perfect suit, you know? The one I imagined myself wearing as we danced and held hands and had fun.” The sparkle in his eyes died down a bit. Jean wanted nothing more but to bring it back. “But then, prom night came and I hadn’t anticipated the amount of people who didn’t want us there, not together at least.”
Jean frowned. “They are idiots then.”
Jeremy shrugged. “We were in high school. I don’t know what else I expected.”
“That is not an excuse. They should have known better.”
“Jean, it’s okay. This was years ago,” Jeremy said, letting his other hand come up to cup Jean’s cheek. “All I’m saying is that I understand wanting that space. It doesn’t feel good being with the person you love when everyone’s staring and whispering.”
Jean blinked. “Love?”
Jeremy’s eyes widened the slightest bit. “Uh, I mean—”
“You love me?”
“I— Yeah,” Jeremy said, smiling sheepishly.
Jean couldn’t help but grin. “I love you too.”
Unfortunately, the warmth that flooded through him was short lived, dissipating almost entirely when they got interrupted by Oliver Hayes.
“Look who it is. Jean Moreau, the traitor.” Jean had never particularly gotten on with Oliver, even when he was back at the Nest. He was always sneering at Jean when Riko wasn’t looking, always jealous of the fact that Jean had the number three on his face and not him. It wasn’t like he would be third in Riko’s imagined perfect court if Jean hadn’t been there, but Oliver liked to delude himself.
“Oliver,” Jeremy greeted with a smile, stepping in front of Jean smoothly. “Good to see you.”
“I was not talking to you, Knox,” Oliver snapped. He turned back to Jean, who was willing himself to shrink or for the floor to swallow him whole. “You were never anything more than Riko’s pet. It’s not surprising you’ve already let your new captain put a leash on you.”
The smile on Jeremy’s face turned into more of a grimace. “Come on, Hayes. These things are supposed to be civil, you know.” Jean could hear the warning in his voice.
Oliver scoffed. “Civil? You walk around with a Raven on your arm and talk about being civil? I hate that word. I hate all of you Trojans.”
“I am not a Raven anymore,” Jean said, finally regaining the ability to speak.
“You’ll always be a Raven. You can live in this fantasy all you want, but at your core, your place will always be at the Nest. You’re just delusional.”
Jeremy gave up on niceties. “I think you should go,” he said, the warning clearer than before.
Oliver laughed mirthlessly. The sound grated on Jean’s ears. “And if we don’t?”
“Hey,” a voice said from behind Oliver. “They told you to leave them alone.” Neil Josten appeared in their line of view, followed by Andrew Minyard. When he looked over their shoulders, Jean saw Kevin standing with the rest of the Foxes, nervously looking on the scene.
Oliver rolled his eyes. “Go away, Josten. This is Ravens business.”
“Oh, yeah? Because it looks like you’re the only Raven here. Leave,” Neil said.
“Make me.”
Neil looked just about ready to lunge when Andrew held him back. He stepped in front of his boyfriend and, faster than Jean could comprehend, there was a knife in his hand. Andrew positioned it above Oliver’s gut. There was no way Oliver could move before Andrew lodged it in there.
“Looks like you’re outnumbered. Come back when you have a few more Crows with you.”
Oliver’s eyes twitched. “We’re Ravens.”
Andrew shrugged. “My mistake,” he said, the tip of his knife now lightly touching the fabric of Oliver’s shirt.
Oliver took a slow step back, putting some distance between the knife and himself, before clicking his tongue and walking away.
Jean and Jeremy simultaneously let out a breath of relief.
“Thank you,” Jeremy said, reaching for Jean’s hand again. Jean gladly took it. “God, what a dick.”
All Andrew offered was a hum. He looked to Neil, waiting to see what he would do. Neil looked behind him, back at his Foxes. Kevin still looked nervous, but less so now that Oliver was gone. Jean recognized Renee in the group, grinning as she held hands with Allison Reynolds. The rest of the Foxes watched them intently until Dan Wilds stepped away from the rest of them, walking up to Neil and putting a hand on his shoulder. He took that as a dismissal and rejoined the group with Andrew.
“So,” Dan started, placing her hands on her hips as she looked over Jeremy and Jean. “Care to join us? There’s plenty of room at our table.”
Jeremy smiled. He looked back at Jean to see if he was okay with it. “Sure,” he said after he got his signal. “We’d love to.”
The night got exponentially better after that. Hanging out with the Foxes wasn’t as bad as Jean thought it would be. Kevin talked to him a bit to see how he was doing. Dan and the other girls did their best to draw Jean into the conversation. Neil even said a few words to him. Andrew didn’t talk much, but he didn’t look like he wanted to murder him, so Jean took that as a good sign. Plus, with Andrew there, the Ravens would leave them alone.
And Jeremy was there too. Jeremy smiling, Jeremy laughing, Jeremy holding his hand. Jeremy being in love with him. Jean being in love with him back. Jean couldn’t help the giddy feeling that rose in his chest.
It had turned out to be a good night after all.