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Jaehyun had spent most of his life making the best of everything he had on his hands. And if his hands were void of anything, he’d find something – anything – to occupy them and make use of them.
Before being able to make his own decisions and step away from the fire not to burn himself, Jaehyun rarely ever let go of his toy car. It felt heavy enough in his hands to ground him down, settle him on earth.
After that, teenage years and adolescence also gave Jaehyun plenty of things to keep his hands busy and full. From pens and notebooks to drinks and snacks, gradually changing to fit his references as he grew up.
Jaehyun was seventeen when his hands got occupied with another pair for the first time.
The other pair were paler, thinner and their nails changed their pink shade almost every week. It didn’t last long before his hands lost their other pair. Perhaps three months were not long enough for Jaehyun to develop his crush into more serious feelings or attachment, that’s why his hands were alone, but not lonely.
His hands were occupied with other people’s bodies more often than not, after turning eighteen. Resting on their shoulders during club dances, on their backs during walks, on their hands over tables, on their hips under the dim lights of bedrooms.
Jaehyun had experienced the touches of men and women under the palms of his hands. He had felt calloused skin and soft cotton and yet, all of them felt the same to him.
If they felt, that is. Because Jaehyun did not feel anything. He had scoffed at movies and novels and comics and dramas that had background glitters and tunes during touches – of whatever type.
Jaehyun, at twenty, stopped scoffing.
Jaehyun, at twenty, was in his third year of his – very successful and satisfactory – marketing major in university. It had been four months since his hands only had stationery and food to hold. But at the beginning of the second semester of his third year, Jaehyun was probably feeling out of his mind when he registered for the semester’s classes.
For some reason, Jaehyun thought it would be a good idea – no, a fun idea – to take a banking course instead of a management one.
The content wasn’t so bad, banking was fun. Everything was fine until Jaehyun realized three weeks into the course that the professor would be switched. Their current professor apparently was going on a maternity leave and thus, a substitute from another branch of the university would replace her.
The fourth week, on the day of the first course with the new banking teacher, marked Jaehyun's fifth month of having no physical touch beside casual pats and side-hugs from his two close friends.
Jaehyun shook his head as he checked the watch on his wrist. It was not time to whine about his cravings. The class should start within ten minutes at most. Jaehyun was a good student, he scanned over his previous notes as he waited, causing no disturbance to anyone around.
Soon enough, the substitute teacher walked into the class. At first, Jaehyun actually thought for a second about where the male would sit, there wasn’t any seat left. But then, after the boy looked around the class from behind his glasses, he set his laptop and phone on the teacher’s desk.
Jaehyun wouldn’t really have guessed that the boy – the man – would be a professor instead of a fellow student. From his seat – which was three rows back – the man looked pretty young, perhaps he was still a fresh graduate.
The professor did not smile when he connected his laptop to the projector, nor when he took another glance at the students before sitting down behind his desk. Jaehyun had never liked self-introductions in classes, but god, was he thankful for them when the new man introduced himself.
His voice was quiet enough to stay in the room, but loud enough to reach its farthest point. “My name is Kim Doyoung. I will be continuing this course’s sessions. I have finished my masters in finance and been teaching courses around its topic for two years now in another branch of this university. I hope our sessions go well and we have good results.”
His words were friendly enough, despite his voice having no cheerful tone or any hint of enthusiasm. It was serious, straightforward and enough to make him and his classmates take the course earnestly.
Objectively, Kim Doyoung had great teaching abilities. He had good teaching methods, his tone gradually becoming more laced with amusement as he explained finance terms and worked numbers around. He had an obvious passion for teaching and it made Jaehyun want to coo at him.
When the time was up and the professor announced their permission to leave, reminded them of their assignment and wished an easy week to be upon the students, Jaehyun had a small smile teasing his plush lips. Maybe it was professor Doyoung’s melodic voice at the end of each farewell that made Jaehyun feel like the new presence was satisfied with how the class went.
As each student bid their own goodbyes after signing by their names to note their attendance, the professor was replying as politely as ever, his stern aura somehow taking over again as he tried to memorize names on the faces.
Jaehyun watched twenty-three students finish up and leave the classroom before him. He also watched the professor place his laptop in its bag and check the time on his phone as Jaehyun walked with slow, careful steps towards his desk. Jaehyun let his bag drop beside his leg before picking up the pen and signing beside his name, looking up at the man in front of him as he put the pen on the paper again.
Up close, the professor looked older. From where Jaehyun was standing, he wouldn’t have confused the man to be a classmate of his if he had seen him this close.
Up close, the professor looked much more handsome. His hair just a shade of black darker, his eyes just a little bit sharper on the edges – which were hidden by the rim of the glasses when looked at from far away. Jaehyun saw the way his upper lip went thinner when the professor gave him a smile, his cheeks lifting slightly to cause wrinkles to appear at the ends of his eyes.
Jaehyun committed to his plans for the month. Every Thursday, at 2pm, he would take his sweet, sweet time before leaving his seat to sign his name and leave his banking class. Jaehyun would switch from one leg to another while his eyes linger on Doyoung’s small details, sometimes trying to make up a conversation that would last for more than a minute.
He took a step back, holding the bag over his shoulder as he watched Doyoung pack up his own things. “So… you’re thirty?” The professor remained seated, his eyes rising up and landing on Jaehyun in front of him, who was waiting for an answer. “You can’t calculate?” Doyoung’s face was blank when he answered with a question and if Jaehyun’s mistake was not what made him turn red, then it definitely was the stare.
“Twenty-six.” the man said as he stood up, checking the time on his phone before looking at Jaehyun again. “And you’re twenty.” Jaehyun nodded, taking one step towards the door, following Doyoung. “Have a good weekend ahead, Jaehyun.” the man nodded as he left the class without looking back, leaving Jaehyun behind with a smile and colored cheeks, a jump in his heart, too.
On Saturday, Jaehyun couldn’t stay another minute inside his apartment after the sun had set down. It had been long – too long – since his hands had felt something alive in them. Jaehyun had one of his best outfits on, his hair styled fashionably before he was entering the club at 9pm.
The liveliness around him was already shaking Jaehyun up, making his heart beat faster, his throat gulp faster, his body rush with adrenaline. It was around an hour later, Jaehyun was already tired and he hadn’t even set his foot on the floor from his stool.
He kept his elbows on the bar top, his head hanging down between his lifted arms. Jaehyun was feeling well, good. The alcohol was just right in his system to get him excited but not enough to make him hyper. And the cherry on top was the fact that his anxiety was not induced once throughout his time.
Until he heard the familiar voice beside him. It didn’t make him anxious, but it sent an electric jolt throughout his spine, shaking his body.
He didn’t dare look up.
Scratch that. He didn’t trust himself to look up.
He had maybe once or twice imagined if Doyoung would be the same outside of lectures. If he would dress the same or have the same pitch and tone of voice. But when the chance was right beside – literally – Jaehyun, he didn’t trust his fuzzy mind to register an image. The sound should be enough for now.
Jaehyun sneaked a glance from under his arm. The figure beside him – one he was more than familiar with – had tight ripped jeans with thick black fishnets underneath, clearly visible over the man’s thighs and knees.
Enough. That was enough.
Jaehyun could not entertain himself more with thoughts about his professor’s thighs or the taste of strawberry flavoured rum on his lips. Jaehyun also definitely could not entertain himself more when smoke reached his nostrils, coming from the person beside him.
When he took another glance, he saw a lit cigarette between two slim fingers of a hand over the thigh he wanted to feel. Jaehyun fixed his sight on that one view, his mind running in circles and creating hundreds of scenarios where he touches Doyoung’s thigh, feels his flesh under his palms, tastes the strawberry and cigarettes over his lips.
It would be safer if Jaehyun left, but maybe he was as careless as he had been when signing up for a banking class.
So, in one second, Jaehyun’s back was straight and he was ordering another shot. Once the shot was slid in front of him, he downed it and set it back in its place, emitting a sound that would have been much louder if the music were any less in volume.
Jaehyun twirled on his stool, his eyes not as wide as they would usually be, his heart racing in his chest but not enough to make him anxious or alert. He did not say anything, only looked at the man that was looking right back at him, without saying anything either.
Doyoung took a drag from his cigarette and blew up the smoke with a tilt of his head to the back. Doyoung also reached blindly for his glass and drank the last gulps of his rum. Doyoung did all that while holding eye contact with Jaehyun and Jaehyun was proud of himself for having enough control over his actions.
Jaehyun did not know who was ruder or cheekier.
Was it Doyoung? As his professor, should he have not looked – stared – right back at him? Was it Jaehyun? As his student, should he have not thought – fantasized – about his professor who he accidentally met in the club?
Doyoung was the first one to turn away, taking the last drag of his cigarette before killing it in his empty glass. He ordered the same drink once again, reaching for his pocket to get out the money to pay.
Jaehyun, for a second, knew it must be overstepping, but he did it anyway. When Doyoung set the cash beside the glass, Jaehyun moved them towards him and paid for the drink by himself.
If he weren’t paying very close attention to the other man, Jaehyun would have missed the chuckle. There were no objections, however, as Doyoung took back his money and gulped from his drink. There was a smile – a sly smile – on his lips after he took the second gulp, leaving the glass with one sip at its bottom.
Doyoung slid the glass towards Jaehyun before he got up. They held eye contact for a couple of seconds before Doyoung nodded – towards the glass, then a thank you of some sort – and walked away. Jaehyun watched him leave, until he was completely out of sight and hidden somewhere between the dancing bodies.
It was not an invitation and Jaehyun accepted that. He downed the last sip of the rum and stepped down, his hand running through his hair as he scanned the place one more time. His tongue stuck out to lick over his lips before he stepped towards the door and left the club.
The air was fresh and the cold breeze made Jaehyun feel better. It made goosebumps raise on his skin but he had never felt this alive in the last six months. It was nothing much, nothing special. But it felt promising, gratifying.
After getting in bed, clean and light, Jaehyun knew he was practically treated like a dare at first. Like Doyoung was challenging him to make a move or say something so that the older man could reject him, tell him – remind him, because he had mentioned it before that he does not appreciate meddling between his personal and professional life when a classmate of Jaehyun’s asked him about a spouse – that Jaehyun is his student, nothing more.
Then, he was someone lower than Doyoung. Someone Doyoung gave his leftovers for. That was exactly what the older man did. He drank however much he wanted, then gave what was left for Jaehyun to drink. It was a dare, too. A challenge, maybe. To drink from his glass.
With the way Thursday’s class had gone, Jaehyun thought that maybe he wouldn’t be just another student. Maybe he could be more, if he tried. Doyoung avoided his gaze, packed up and did not give space for a goodbye after Jaehyun signed his name.
If it didn’t affect the elder, why was he acting differently? Why was he running away?
The lecture after that, Jaehyun had his bag firmly in place over his shoulder when he looked down at the paper full of names he was mostly familiar with. He brought his bag over his stomach, rummaging through it for a second before taking out a strawberry milkshake.
His bag was behind him again when he shook the juice box then pushed the straw in it, taking a long sip. Jaehyun placed the carton on the edge of the desk before he pushed it towards his professor with his finger. “To each place its criteria. I am afraid anything stronger than that is not allowed here.” Jaehyun said as he signed his name.
He expected his professor to be looking at him with a little bit of bad feelings – annoyance, maybe – when he looked up at him again. However, when their eyes met, Doyoung shot him a tight lipped smile, picking up the carton and wrapping his lips around the straw, pushing it unnecessarily deeper into his mouth as he gulped back the drink.
Doyoung hummed and nodded, as if he understood. He did understand, and it made Jaehyun’s blood increase in temperature. Jaehyun watched him drink while putting the names’ paper in his bag. Doyoung lifted the bag from the desk, placing the empty juice box on the wood instead.
His thumb and pointer finger wrapped tightly around the carton and when Jaehyun looked up to see Doyoung’s face as he did the suggestive action, Doyoung smiled at him, his lips parting instead of gluing together, though. Jaehyun trailed his eyes back to the grip in front of him. Doyoung lifted his fingers just slightly on the carton before dropping them down to smack at the desk in one swift movement.
The air left Jaehyun’s lungs. He could not breathe anymore, could not register his professor wishing him a happy weekend.
Realization hit Jaehyun the next Thursday when Doyoung announced the chapters required for their final exams. They only had one other lecture and then the course’s assigned hours would be done. Jaehyun had only one other lecture to get things straight with Doyoung.
As he had planned before, Jaehyun slid a cigarette pack towards Doyoung before signing his name. It made the elder let out a small laugh before putting the small box in his pocket. Jaehyun smiled at the sound but did not comment further. The professor did not need to know that Jaehyun had bought all the available brands of cigarettes from the convenience store, had checked how they looked until he found the one he remembered Doyoung smoking.
The last lecture came sooner than Jaehyun liked. He was never unhappy about a course’s assigned hours ending before. But the banking course being done felt too upsetting for Jaehyun.
He knew himself to have control over his life and use his mind over his heart in almost every situation, but for some reason, his mind was slowly losing to the clench of his heart as Doyoung bid the class his last farewells and sincere wishes for a bright future, assuring the younger ones that he had enjoyed teaching them and proud of how he had no one slack off.
Jaehyun had a bitter smile over his lips when he signed his name for the final time. With a glance around, he saw how Doyoung still did not pack anything yet. Jaehyun added a small cake box beside the leather bag without any word. The professor nodded at him with a smile that Jaehyun felt that it mirrored his – bittersweet and hiding words both of them were hesitating to say.
As Jaehyun walked towards the door, his mind gave him a recap of how everything had gone between them. From being intrigued by a man six years older than him and his passion for his job to the way Jaehyun believed there were special smiles for him before leaving the room.
He had a quick run over which made his steps falter. He reached out for the door handle and closed it, turning on his heels and heading towards a man with an adorable confused expression over his face. Jaehyun dragged a chair and placed it in front of the desk, smiling at Doyoung across from him.
“I actually bought my favourite cake. Vanilla. I hope you don’t mind sharing.” Jaehyun had seen around three types of Doyoung’s smile, but this one was his favourite. The one when his eyes sank back in his face enough to make his wrinkles even more obvious and showed his teeth with genuine happiness.
Happiness may be a big word, but Jaehyun felt like at least half of it was shared between them as they ate the cake slice. They exchanged the fork back and forth taking bites, small hums echoing in the empty room every now and then.
When Jaehyun threw the empty box away while Doyoung packed everything of his, he walked back slowly to the desk, standing close to the older man, “Can we stay in touch, maybe? I’m sure it is not my delusions telling me my interest is mutual.” Doyoung laughed again, but shook his head in a way that made Jaehyun’s heart drop.
“Giving my student my number so that we can text out of courses’ topics is very unprofessional of me. And you know, I like being professional.” Jaehyun frowned at the answer, taking one step closer to Doyoung, arguing, “The lectures are over. Are you saying what we had was nothing? Did you really feel nothing? It meant nothing to you? The drink at the club and my gifts, whatever you wanna call them, here.”
Doyoung took one step backwards, tilting his head to the side just a bit before fixing his glasses, “I am still your professor. The semester’s not over, you still have a few weeks and finals.” Doyoung turned around and walked to the door.
Jaehyun suddenly had rage rush through his system. Was this a joke? He wanted to throw the desk away to the center of the class, throw the chair out of the window, get his hands on something, destroy material. He wanted to feel something in his palms before he lost control, but all he could do in the moment was clench his fists tightly.
“But later on, you know where to find me.” Doyoung said with a final glance at the boy he had left behind.
It didn’t register in Jaehyun’s mind at first. Jaehyun did not know anything, not the man’s number nor where he lived. He only knew that they had once met in a club, that the other was only a substitute teacher that did not teach in this campus but in another branch of the university–
Right.
The other branch of the university that was not too far from this one, around half-an-hour drive.
Later on, when Jaehyun finishes his finals, he does know where to find Doyoung.
For now, the older man had actually given Jaehyun a choice. If the interest was still there in five weeks, Jaehyun can drive to the other branch and meet Doyoung. That way, maybe, they could introduce themselves properly.
They could believe that they had met when Doyoung was leaving his job and bumped into a young man who was not a student in the place he taught at. It definitely had unprofessionalism in it but both of them decided to ignore it for the better.
They are adults and respected limits, aware of full consent before anything takes place. Before Doyoung temporarily disappeared from Jaehyun’s life, he gave him consent to pursue him later on. And if Jaehyun goes to pursue him, then Jaehyun also gave him consent to have hope.
Counting days made them seem too many, so Jaehyun absolutely did not think of that. He focused his best on getting his finals done. Thinking of the possibilities after his last exam gave him more motivation to study harder, finish faster.
When he was stretching outside of the class after he finished his last exam, Jaehyun realized he had no idea of the man’s schedule.
Despite being excited to get into his car and drive to the other branch immediately, Jaehyun realized that he did not know, at all, if Doyoung would even be at his job when he got there. Doyoung gave them Thursday courses, and keeping in mind the distance and everything else, he probably originally had Thursdays off.
It was Friday, Jaehyun could try his luck. He had nothing better to do, anyway. He prayed on his way there. Silly little players and pleads to meet his love interest and have a good restart.
He was never that religious, but maybe it was a good hour, because after twenty minutes of waiting, Jaehyun saw the other man walk out of the campus gates and towards the parking lot – towards where Jaehyun was waiting leaning back on his car.
He stood up straight, quickly glancing around to see that the black car that was parked ten meters away from him was the car beeping from Doyoung’s keys.
Doyoung had not seen him yet and Jaehyun understood that the man may have not been paying attention because of the obvious tiredness reeking from his body, appearing in his sleepy face and slouched shoulders.
Jaehyun walked towards him slowly, not wanting to frighten him. “Hey.” Jaehyun said quietly, startling Doyoung despite his earnest tries not to. Doyoung looked up at him, surprise awakening his face up before letting it melt down again into what Jaehyun assumed was relief, or realization of an indirect promise that was once made.
“Hello. How can I help you?” He replied back, leaning his side against the driver’s door, looking up and down at Jaehyun, a soft smile gracing his lips. “Well, there are a few things.” Jaehyun teased. He was in a good mood, confident of his attempt.
“First of all, I am a good person, so I keep my promises and besides that, you seem too tired to drive, I am offering my driving services to prevent crashes.” Jaehyun spoke, trying to be as serious as he could be, looking straight into Doyoung’s eyes. “Only that? So, I gotta pay you a taxi fee?”
Jaehyun shook his head, stepping away to make space for the other man to walk through, “I am also asking you out on a date. Maybe we could find something to eat, we both probably had long days.” Doyoung did walk past him, but only after nodding, satisfaction over his features and pleasant smiles exchanged between them.
“That does not sound too bad. Do I get to pick the food?” Jaehyun followed behind the other man. It was natural, easier than he had expected, but it felt perfect, suitable, fitting. “Shouldn’t you let younger ones decide so that they don’t throw tantrums?” at that, Doyoung quickly turned around to walk back to his car, “Already pulling this card, I am not hungry at all, no-”
Jaehyun laughed loudly at the small act, his arm subconsciously reaching out to wrap around Doyoung’s waist and pull him into his chest. It was the first time they actually, really did touch and Jaehyun almost pushed himself away if not for the way that Doyoung leaned into his chest, the elder’s arm wrapping around his.
“Fine, you pick.” It was quiet but Doyoung heard, nodded in agreement. Looking closely, Jaehyun saw pink over the other man’s cheeks, red on the tip of his ears and that made him hear a tuneful melody he had always mocked when he heard it played in romantic movies. He felt the tingle in his skin at the hold of the other man and Jaehyun made a promise to himself to never scoff at romance ever again.
Maybe the problem was not in him, nor other people he had touched. It was just a matter of time and place. Jaehyun felt his hands busy with glitter in the background as Doyoung allowed him to hold hands during the drive.
Even when his hands were empty – no food or drinks, stationery or books, hands or other body parts – Jaehyun’s heart was completely full and it made him realize that the itch he had always felt was not because of the lack of things to hold, but the lack of emotions to feel.
But now, with Doyoung by his side, Jaehyun hoped to never feel the itch again. To never feel emptiness again.