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In theory, this walk home shouldn’t be different from any other. Tadashi had apologized, Tsukishima had said it was fine. So, in theory, everything should be perfectly normal.
But theories are often wrong.
Tadashi has never felt this point stronger than now. He looks at Tsukishima, trying to find something to say, and Tsukishima isn’t doing Tadashi any favors, seemingly refusing to be the first one to speak.
The only consolation Tadashi has is the fact their hands are interlocked between them, but even then, he can’t find much comfort in that touch. Despite their intertwined fingers, Tsukishima feels miles away.
Trying to bridge that gap, Tadashi opens his mouth to speak, but in the same moment Kei wrenches his hand away, pulling out a pair of headphones and placing them decidedly over his head, music instantly spilling out of the tiny speakers, loud enough that Tadashi could clearly hear the lyrics, the angry words only serving to make Tadashi feel worse. The singers almost seem to be speaking to him, telling him that he’s an awful person and Tadashi can’t help but listen. He can’t help but agree.
Tsukishima’s hand returns to his side. Tadashi doesn’t reach for it.
---
Kei flops onto his bed with Yamaguchi not far behind, the latter’s shoulder blade digging into Kei’s chest. He adjusts himself slightly, trying to get more comfortable, though Yamaguchi slides away, leaving them shoulder to shoulder rather than laying on top of each other. Kei raises an eyebrow at this, but decides not to question it. The tension between them is already palpable, he’d prefer not to worsen it.
The warmth of Yamaguchi’s shoulder leaves his side for a moment as the other reaches for a book on his nightstand, picking up the collection of Greek myths.
“If you like that book so much, you could just borrow it, you know, it's not like I’ll miss it,” Kei says passively, his eyes falling onto Yamaguchi’s face, whose gaze is trained on a detailed illustration of Eros and Psyche.
Yamaguchi doesn’t look up, just opting to say, “Eh, I prefer to read it here anyway.”
Kei reaches for a stray lock of hair that had fallen into Yamaguchi’s eyes, but his hand freezes in mid-air as though blocked by an invisible space. He knows, logically, that it’s all in his head, that his hand should, by all accounts, be able to breach the space between the two of them, but his hand refuses, not wanting to even try to approach the tension between them.
If Yamaguchi notices Kei’s aborted gesture he doesn't mention it. He just continues to flip through the pages, though Kei sees his eyes are staring at the same spot, not really processing anything before him.
A sigh escapes his lips. There’s no real reason for it, just a simple expulsion of air, but Kei immediately curses himself for it, feeling Yamaguchi’s body go rigid at the sound.
“You sound exhausted, are you alright?” Kei silently commends Yamaguchi for keeping his voice so steady, so uncaring. Kei almost falls for the act, but notices Yamaguchi’s hands trembling, just slightly.
“Yeah, just a long day.” Kei matches Yamaguchi’s aloof tone with much less effort, no part of his body betraying any of his true thoughts.
“You want to talk about it?” Yamaguchi’s page turning becomes more frantic with each word, his fingers twisting as he sends the pages flying across to their opposite cover, his eyes following the movement with a surgeon’s focus.
“There’s not much to say, school was just rough.” Kei urges his mouth to shut up, to not reveal a word, but he continues, “You know how people can be. They just don’t understand how to treat me like a human being anymore.
“Tsukki, I really am-”
“I’ve been living as myself for so long, I almost… forgot that people wouldn’t be okay with who I was.”
“I’m sorry, Tsukki, this is all my-”
“I’m just glad they didn’t find out my deadname, I mean, that would be a disaster,” Kei laughs bitterly, though in his mind he prays to every god on this earth that he shuts up, that he stops being so damn cruel. He doesn’t want to be. Not to Yamaguchi.
“I understand what you’re going through, but can we-”
Yamaguchi’s words finally release the venom Kei’d desperately been trying to keep beneath the surface and he snaps, “No you don’t understand, and no, we can’t. Just… drop it okay?”
Kei wants to take the words back immediately, just shove them back up into his mouth. That doesn’t mean they aren’t true.
He really doesn’t want to talk about it. He doesn’t want to have to think about Yamaguchi’s face as he earnestly told the stupid girl doing her project on medical transistions that she should ask Kei. He doesn’t want to have to think about Yamaguchi’s failed attempt to cover it up; he’s never been a good liar. He doesn’t want to have to think about the fact that within the hour Kei was out to the whole school. He just. Doesn’t.
And Yamaguchi most definitely doesn’t understand.
Yamaguchi doesn’t respond, his eyes remaining firmly fixed on the book before him, the pages almost blurring with the speed of his turning. Kei opens his mouth to say something, anything to remedy the situation.
Yamaguchi slams the book shut.
“Do you know the story of Orpheus and Eurydice?”
Kei closes his mouth dumbly, struck by the sudden subject change.
“I- uh, maybe? Remind me.”
“It's the one where the man tries to pull his wife out of the Underworld, but turns around too early and damns her there for eternity,” Yamaguchi recites, his voice taking on a robotic quality which, unlike his previous tone, doesn’t seem forced.
Still confused about the significance of the story, Kei responds, “I actually do remember that one, but what about it?”
Yamaguchi looks up from the book for the first time since they’d sat down, instead directing his eyes to something taped to the wall in front of him, saying, “I don’t know, it's just, upsetting, you know? Like it was Orpheus’ fault that she was killed the first time and then he managed to kill her by trying to save her. I just. I don’t know Tsukki, it's sad.”
Kei turns to face Yamaguchi, trying to even fathom why Yamaguchi is so bothered by this, but Yamaguchi’s shaky frame and wringing hands give him no answer. So Kei prods for more information.
“I don’t get it, it's not like he did it on purpose. He-”
“It doesn’t matter! He was the one to turn around. He was supposed to save her! Instead he gave her false hope and left her alone in hell. She should despise him…” Yamaguchi’s voice breaks as he utters the final sentence, his eyes swimming with tears.
So that’s what this is about.
“But she doesn’t. She knows his heart was in the right place. She knows he didn’t do it on purpose.”
“But he hurt her. How could she ever forgive him? How could she ever feel… okay after something like that?”
Kei’s throat tightens at the question and he looks down, finding his nails digging into the palms of his hands. All he wants is to reach forward and grab Yamaguchi’s hand, assure him with a touch that everything is going to be okay, but Yamaguchi’s anxieties seemed to have fortified that wall between them.
Kei clears his throat and speaks, each word coming out weak and wavering, “She… might never feel completely okay about what happened. But that doesn’t change the fact that she loves him. She always will.”
Kei hopes to see the weight of the situation lift off of Yamaguchi’s shoulders with those words, but Yamaguchi seems only to crumble beneath it, his shoulders dropping and his head falling limply to his chest.
“How…” Yamaguchi starts, his voice barely a whisper, “how can Orpheus ever live with himself after that?”
“I don’t know. I really don’t.” Kei bites back the apology threatening to spill from his mouth, instead saying, “All I really know is that Orpheus can’t let this guilt eat him alive. He has to move past it, not for Eurydice’s sake, but for his.”
“Move on… How? How do you even start moving past something like this?”
“I really don’t know.” The phrase stings Kei’s tongue, but he presses on, “I think that’s up to Orpheus.”
The silence of the room deafens Kei as he focuses every sense on Yamaguchi, praying for that stupid wall between them to finally disappear.
“Do you think, if by some miracle Eurydice made it out of hell, that their relationship would be okay?” Yamaguchi asks, wringing his hands together.
“It would be. I’m sure of it.” Kei hates absolutes, but for this situation, for Yamaguchi, he can make an exception.
Yamaguchi opens the book again, rifling through the pages once again.
Kei reaches out, taking Yamaguchi’s hand in his own, murmuring, “You’ve had your head stuck in that book this whole time. Look at me. I’m not going to disappear, I promise.”
Yamaguchi finally, finally, looks up from the pages, and Kei both loves and hates to see it. He loves the way the freckles fall on Yamaguchi’s face, the way his tousled hair still manages to look good even after all of this, the way his lips part slightly in that shocked smile of his, but Kei hates the way his eyes look, all red-rimmed with guilt, his face stained with tears.
Before Kei can figure out his feelings on the matter, Yamaguchi wraps his arms around his neck and pulls him in for a hug, which Kei gladly accepts, his head falling lightly onto Yamaguchi’s shoulder.
Yamaguchi’s head finds its way to the crook of Kei’s shoulder, his lips just ghosting on his neck as he whispers, “I’m sorry.”
Kei tries to speak, to assure Yamaguchi that everything is alright, that he’s alright.
But he can’t. It’s not alright. He’s not alright.
The realization crumbles him and his body goes limp, all of his weight falling onto Yamaguchi as heavy sobs take control of his body, his breath gasping and ragged, and he’s so tired, so damn tired that he can’t even bring himself to try to calm down. He doesn’t know what to say, he doesn’t know what to do and he doesn’t even know what he wants.
But Yamaguchi seems to understand the situation implicitly. He doesn't even balk as Kei sobs, simply lying back to make the two of them more comfortable and plucking Kei’s glasses off his face, placing them onto the night stand. Kei’s head drops to Yamaguchi’s chest, and he takes a hand that was resting on Kei’s neck to run his finger through his hair. He doesn’t say a word, just lets Kei cry, occasionally placing soft, tearstained kisses onto the top of Kei’s head.
Once Kei’s tears seem to dry up, he steals an incredibly blurry glance at Tadashi, who looks down at him with a small smile. Kei reaches a hand up to cup Yamaguchi’s face and pulls him down into a soft slow kiss, both of them barely moving so as to not ruin the moment. Kei finally pulls away, resting his head once again on Yamaguchi’s chest. He grabs Yamaguchi’s hand and fiddles with his fingers, admiring how their hands fit together perfectly no matter what.
“Thank you.” The words tumble out of Kei’s mouth easily, without a second thought.
Yamaguchi starts at the words, saying with a choked laugh, “For what, Tsukki?”
“For being here.”
---
Theories are often wrong, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be adjusted and as Tsukishima lays in his lap,Tadashi realizes this fact.
Tadashi may have been wrong about their walk being the same as usual, and Tsukishima may have been lying about everything being fine, but, as he stares down at Tsukishima, Tadashi realizes that, while everything isn’t fine right now, it will be, and he’ll be by Tsukishima’s side the whole time