Archive of Our Own

When MinHo had contemplated entering the K-pop industry, he already had a projection of what that meant.

He met Japan when he was around eighteen or nineteen years old, under all his sweat and effort in which he had accentuated his ability to dance made his goals more and more arrogant and sacrificial than he had estimated within his own humanity.

Perhaps he had not been as intimate as other dancers with the representative group with whom they had toured. The head dancer of the idol group was nicer, but they all had a strange aura of coldness surrounding them that made MinHo consider that they were probably not as far away from virtual reality as many people thought they were.

Dolls. Toys. Princes. Boyfriends. Aspirations. Envy center. Rebirth of Aphrodite.

Where was there emotion in them if they seemed to enjoy music? When they resumed the role of human beings, it seemed that there were no longer traces of it.

Or so MinHo might think, shocked, since at that time he had a girlfriend for a year and a half that he felt was the love of his life, attracting the traditional ideas of marriage and eternal stay because it was his great first love.

Since childhood, he had been a bit left with the idea of romantic relationships. At twelve, while his other classmates went crazy about the skirts, MinHo was the one who got along best with the girls because he knew that the personality of his friends was too disgusting to approach them. At fifteen, his classmates were still crazy with skirts (although this time they could get into them), but MinHo never considered the real idea of establishing that seriousness that his friends estimated because he felt very young, so he got carried away with the idea of liberal girls to have casual relationships where he could not only experience what he liked but what he didn't.

What did he like? the girls, of course. What did he also like? apparently, the boys, because while he had friends with whom to spend time at his school, in the dance club he attended in the afternoons there were boys who gave him looks that made MinHo take the same posture as when he met a girl.

(Years later, under SeungMin's intelligentsia, he would realize it was a normal act for those discovering his sexuality: the rare promiscuity for terror from the rest of the world, taking every opportunity with every person equal to him just to know if, indeed, it was normal.)

There was a funny and rare situation, once he returned from Japan and his girlfriend had finished him by text message, that in a club he met two of his former classmates both school and dance who curiously had ended up being a couple. The girl had been quite funny when she learned that MinHo had become involved with the two, and the boy had told him how the two of them had met. The story had been so banal that MinHo was surprised that they both remembered it, because of his ex-girlfriend he had no idea how she came into his life, but there he was, feeling sorry for a breakup and being more guilty for not crying for her.

There was a formula, or so he thought. There was a formula for making love memorable, with concepts that MinHo misunderstood because he thought he knew them.

However, by 2017, he realized how far he was from reality because there was a boy on the fifth floor who looked at him seriously who didn't seem characteristic of him, as he had a sweet and stuffed face, big clothes even when it was summer, and a powerful posture that seemed to hint that he would kill him at any time.

"Han JiSung-ssi,"MinHo greeted once SeungMin introduced him. "A pleasure."

The boy, still keeping his eyes on him, bowed slightly. "You don't have to be formal."

Four years later, that boy who seemed to want to kill him the first moment he saw him, was showing him a neck cushion that carried a cell phone holder with total emotion.

"I found it on sale at Shoppee! And the color of the cushion matches that of my bed cover- It's fate!" smiled.

MinHo, finishing sipping the order he had made, looked intently at the object that JiSung showed him in his hands along with a smile of such pride as if it were of his own creation.

"Why do you claim it was on sale?" HyunJin asked, his eyes glued to the distorted colored TV as he played with the PS5 command. "Do you know that what is on offer is because it is defective?"

"I didn't ask for your opinion, honey," he replied without looking away from MinHo, still waiting for him to say something. "Well, do you like it?"

He was still speechless. "Huh..., yes?"

JiSung widened her smile, and MinHo involuntarily began to dissociate when he put the cushion around her neck and began to explain how it worked. It seemed like a divine miracle that, three minutes later, JiSung's cell phone alarm sounded.

"Agh," he complained, pulling his neck back. "What a horror. Work."

"I guess that's what you get paid for," said MinHo, who at some point JiSung had put on his blue filter sunglasses to see the cell phone at night with greater comfort. He looked ridiculous.

The boy got up to go to his bedroom to get ready, while MinHo let out a prominent sigh as he settled on the sofa. A slight click sounded beside him.

"Did you take a picture of me?" asked MinHo.

HyunJin quickly put his cell phone under his butt and looked at the screen again. "I don't know what you're talking about, hyung."

When JiSung walked out into the ward, he didn't even question why MinHo was bending HyunJin's arms to his back while the other was screaming from the bottom of his lungs crying out for help. Since JiSung was retiring, JeongIn could probably help him, but he was disinterested enough, sleeping in his bed, which he preferred to ignore.

MinHo was tired, especially since it was past midnight and he was practicing both dancing and singing for the last few days – well, singing more than anything, since the group's production line had warned that the new single would be melodic rap and that it would be a pretty, quite innovative song.

"Do you think they have the song on time?" HyunJin said, rejoining the sofa as if his life had not been attacked moments ago.

Taking out the things JiSung had put on his head, MinHo refused. "We just finished Kingdom yesterday. It's impossible for us to do everything quickly."

"When is the deadline?"

"To deliver the song? Two more days." HyunJin laughed at the news along with MinHo, feeling the tragicomedy of the situation. "And if they approve it, they want to finish the video on the twenty-first and the twenty-fifth release it."

"Of course they're going to make it," HyunJin said sarcastically, before rubbing shoulders with MinHo. "And do you know what it's about?"

MinHo raised an eyebrow for him. "Why do you think I know?"

"For JiSung," he reasoned obviously.

MinHo had a slight advantage over the rest of the team members, which was to know the work before the rest. With Chan, it was practical work since sometimes he would ask him something usually intended for rhythmic next to the songs to be able to do a choreography. ChangBin, on the other hand, was the most discreet with the projects, but as so discreet he was also careless, so he always had a demo hanging around on his cell phone where everyone took the opportunity to try a little of their future albums. However, JiSung was a simple tomb to open when he was excited – it wasn't in every song, but his most significant creations.

If JiSung now named that song as groundbreaking, why hasn't he told MinHo anything?

"You don’t have to be mad about that," HyunJin annoyed him, feeling MinHo's prolonged silence. "Maybe it's a nice surprise."

"What do you mean by that?" MinHo confronted him. "It's just a song, it's not like it really mattered – do you know something? "

HyunJin sneered in his face and turned his head to the TV as if that way he could ignore it.

Of course, he couldn't.

The next morning, around nine o'clock, MinHo took it upon himself to wake up the other guys who were still asleep to go to the company, waiting to find neither Chan, ChangBin nor JiSung in their beds.

"Good morning!" The three of them greeted the other five members, the manager, the Div1 staff, and the JYPE staff. For MinHo, it was fun to see them in that office with a whiteboard, a pointer, a projector, and with much, much energy drink in their blood.

The five members of the group looked at the board to see if they had any notion of the meaning of the word Oh which was written in both Romanji and Hangul. MinHo had the mention that someone had told him the meaning of that in Chinese, but he did not know what the real meaning of the word was until, in his classic performance that 3RACHA made for that type of circumstances, they moved inside the room as if it had been practiced to explicate the elaboration of the song, what they expected to see in the video and a good promotion idea.

"Is HyunJin-ssi really your idea to promote the song?" asked someone from the Div1 staff reluctantly, looking incredulous. "Don't you have more strategy proposals?"

"Unless someone leaks photos of him, I think reappearing in a video will be enough promotion," Chan said confidently. HyunJin made a shy annoying noise while SeungMin pushed him affectionately.

"Okay...," the CEO in charge of JYPE ended up reclining in his chair, looking at the three guys standing. "Introduce the song."

For MinHo, the song was merely forgettable. He didn't have a proper rhythm to produce great choreography if their fans wanted to see them standing while they sang. The lyrics were part of the cheesiness he expected inside the market, but not from his friends. And the chorus, infantilizing the romance that the media expressed, were intoxicating enough to be able to conclude that, after listening to the demo, that he doesn't like the song.

Everyone has had songs they don't like. SeungMin always complained loudly when they practiced 3rd Eye because he said it gave him nightmares, and Felix always mentioned how traumatized he was from My Pace that, every time someone placed it, he always turned off the radio.

Chan once admitted that the full album of Clé 1: Miroh was difficult to make because he didn't feel that the songs were made for motivation – of course, because for MinHo that has been one of the most difficult comebacks along with that of Clé: Levanter. The performance of both works was, despite containing significant songs, a ground cable to the k-pop industry in order to remind people that they were still under a company. It was disappointing to receive awards on TV shows based on that.

That's why, with that background, MinHo was relaxed enough with the idea of singing a song he didn't like.

"We already have an idea of the distribution lines," ChangBin said. "We will need to record a demo together and, in the afternoon, we present it."

Then, along with the rest of the staff, they began with the elaboration of the video clip, continuing stories of past videos to encourage reproduction and attention with the universe that even they themselves did not fully understand. JeongIn was of the effusive opinion to continue with the line of the ChangBin Mixtape song: on track, but neither the JYPE staff nor the Div1 staff considered it a good idea.

After eleven o'clock in the morning, everyone got into Chan's studio to record, where the leader had the song played a couple of times so that the rest had a notion of how it was going.

"I know it's very rushed, but we have the time counted," Chan said pityingly, as the producer next to him playing with his own cell phone.

The choir. MinHo had been left with the chorus of the song. He preferred, at that instant, to have a smaller role like making the bridge once or the hidden voices to be able to harmonize, as they flattered him so much for his falsetto. However, and to his annoyance, JiSung had claimed the chorus for MinHo.

Why?

JiSung was recording his part, so he couldn't ask him. They had started with 3RACHA while the rest vocalized with digital keyboard tones, although it was inevitable not to be silenced when JiSung sang the beginning of the song in a different way than he did in the demo.

"He's so intense," HyunJin sneered, before pulling out his cell phone and recording towards the cockpit. "You can do it, honey!"

MinHo rolled his eyes, why did HyunJin have to be so exaggerated?

When he had seen JiSung perform for the first time, in a monthly evaluation where they agreed to be on the same list (which was the first and last for MinHo, actually), he had the opportunity to check those rumors that hovered among the trainees about the strange group that the veteran Bang Chan had, who mentioned that, of how sociable and passive the boy was, his two colleagues were the closest thing to bullies.

The funny thing was that none of them were—or, well, ChangBin was anything but a bully. JiSung wasn't either, but he had a defensive personality that bordered on the offensive, so he was expected to be braver.

JiSung had begun to rap fiercely in front of the camera, a rap that MinHo did not know if it had been prepared or not (SeungMin had mentioned that occasion when he improvised one). He did not flog in his words. He didn't hesitate. He changed to five different styles in the same stanza. And, at the end, he breathed with such anger that he seemed to show that JiSung was there not to form a group – no, on the contrary, he was evaluated in front of everyone to show that he was, indeed, better than everyone.

Mentioning it to SeungMin that afternoon, after the evaluations, SeungMin had laughed in his face.

"Do you really see him like this?" SeungMin asked that time, laughing. "I'll mention him to you. It will be very funny when he finds out."

Indeed, when he was able to strike up a decent conversation with JiSung, MinHo realized that he was seventeen years old.

Now, at twenty-one, MinHo could see JiSung through the recording booth as the little boy spitting out the rage of the world, he found himself singing a song so melodious that it could happen to be the last Day6 albums.

"Good," Chan turned off the control surface as JiSung exited the venue. "Who's next?"

MinHo had the need to want to ask JiSung about the song, but he didn't like to disturb him during work hours, so he saw him place himself in ChangBin's place while he walked in to record his part.

However, he made slight eye contact with JiSung where he handed him that smile.

That smile seemed to be the accomplice of a robbery. Of a silent assault. Of a kitchen theft or mischief that MinHo had not been informed.

JiSung was someone curious.

He practiced the chorus with JeongIn and SeungMin, following the vocal orders of the accompanying coach and, after an eternity, MinHo recorded.

Now, only the verdict was missing, which was taken by the staff of Div1 and JYPE leaving the production line out of it.

"So?"

Standing beside him, JiSung greeted him.

"So what?" questioned MinHo, blocking his running game cellphone.

They were all sitting in the long hallway on the sixth floor of the company. The whole group. Chan and Felix were chatting about some topic of MinHo's disinterest. JeongIn and ChangBin were playing something on the internet. And SeungMin and HyunJin questioned each other about their respective university careers so as not to lose the lack of study because of that waste of time.

“You didn't tell me anything about the song," he reproached. "Or didn't you like it?"

JiSung said it jokingly, of course, because MinHo was sure that he had never disliked a song JiSung made because, for some reason, everything he does was to his liking.

That is why, feeling how the arrogance of his thought was arbitrarily eliminated, he realized that he had disliked a song that JiSung had made.

What should I do in these cases? MinHo wondered, feeling the panic alarms go off in his head. Lying to him? Telling him the truth?

But he didn't have to answer, because it was his prolonged silence that answered for him, causing JiSung's smile to change from one of emotion to one of humility.

"Really you didn't like it?"

"It's not that I didn't like it," MinHo was quick to say right away. "It's just that- I don't know, don't you find the lyrics a bit cheesy?"

"I did the chorus."

"No— and it shows," he said. "But I'm not saying it's bad —it's just that, well, it's not to my liking."

"But what do you think of the choir?" he insisted.

JiSung was using that tone. That tone that participated most of the time with that smile that had appeared long ago.

MinHo felt that this attitude left him out of an agreement that both had, but also, because of the behavior that JiSung adopted, it made him feel much more comfortable. It was a construction of a secret that both shared, although MinHo did not know which. A circumstance where it occurred at night, in silence, with some part of his body stuck while only existing around the other.

And that complicity JiSung was bringing him up at the time, in front of the other guys. What did he expect him to say?

When I hold your hand, I feel like being a baby again.

And I go whining and saying, 'don't look at me like that'.

I look you in the eyes and take one step closer to you.

No matter how much I plan and prepare when I'm with you, I'm just a baby.

Well, it's not like he has much escape; if he lied, JiSung would know and be angry, so it was always better to work with honesty.

"It's still cheesy," he continued. "What movie did you see? Whispers of the Heart or Nothing Hills?"

He could hear a noise emitted by ChangBin, but MinHo did not believe that it was dedicated to his conversation.

MinHo kept his eyes on JiSung, waiting for him to comment on something sarcastic or juicy about the answer he had given. However, his humble smile was instantly erased.

"Cheesy?" JiSung repeated.

The other put the index finger together with his thumb, leaving a slight gap between them. "A little bit, actually. It's not to my liking."

"It's not to your liking," he reaffirmed, and MinHo nodded.

"But it's good. It has a catchy chorus and an auditory jump scare with HyunJin," MinHo smiled as he ran his arm around JiSung's shoulders and shook him. "Like everything you do, this will be a success."

JiSung didn't move from where he was, and let out a little laugh. "Wait- just to confirm..., did the song mean nothing to you?"

MinHo, a little clumsy, scratched his neck with his free hand. "Huh, I don't remember much about Nothing Hills..., do you want to see it again?"

Once again, ChangBin made a noise. MinHo raised his head to see it, and he had in the foreground JeongIn's red face that seemed to be holding up with laughter.

"What?" faced MinHo.

The two boys showed their cell phones to reference the game, but MinHo did not go unnoticed by the look of the sidelines that both Felix and Chan gave him.

What the hell?

The song received the go-ahead, which was fortuitous for him not having to record it again. As a form of celebration, everyone ordered MinHo to prepare dinner for the evening, and since it was not pleasant to cook for seven other people after a day's work, he proposed to pay for food at home.

The background noise was the national news, and everyone was gathered in the bedroom room eating Thai food. Both SeungMin and ChangBin commented on the controversies presented, and Chan joined them at the bottom while HyunJin and Felix quarreled over each other's food. It was a quiet afternoon for the group, even though JiSung was sitting at the other end of the table chatting with JeongIn.

Eating Thai food did not exempt from cleanliness, and after a great victory by ChangBin, JiSung washed the used plates.

That small five-minute instance made MinHo rethink whether or not to have to talk to JiSung about what happened. He didn't think it was the big deal, plus he didn't think JiSung would take his opinion so seriously, but if he had to say something to make the guy feel good, he would.

"Can I ask you a question?" he announced his arrival in the kitchen, while the rest of the boys spread out in the bedroom.

"What happen, hyung?" he asked in a calm voice, focused on washing the metal chopsticks.

"Were you angry about what I said?"

"Hm? No, did I give you that impression?"

"Well, a little bit...," he admitted, taking a seat in the kitchen chair. "You were disappointed in my response."

"You always disappoint me."

"I'm serious."

JiSung let out a sigh, which made MinHo more terrified. The minor locked the key and turned to dry the eight pairs of chopsticks. "I thought you would find meaning in the song, hyung, that's all."

"But- what kind of meaning?" MinHo followed with his gaze. "It's a silly love song, isn't it?"

"I mean, yes, it is, but I don't write those things out of inertia, you know?"

MinHo repeated, once again, the lyrics of the song in his mind in order to find something that was salvageable for his conversation with JiSung and say something positive. However, I still couldn't find another meaning.

Suddenly, he had the epiphany that made him feel ashamed and burlesque.

"Damn unhappy dog!" smiled MinHo, excited at the thought as he got up to go to JiSung. "Why didn't you tell me that you felt this way?"

JiSung suddenly stopped, looked at MinHo for a moment, and blinked repeatedly. "Huh?

"You know I'm not a fortune teller, and you didn't have to hide that from me!" MinHo took him by the shoulders and shook him slightly. "Why didn't you tell me you were in love with someone?"

But soon MinHo knew he had said something wrong because JiSung's face paled so suddenly that he thought he would faint– or, it even seemed like that would happen, because JiSung put his hands on MinHo's hands as he moved around. "To say...? Is it that maybe...?"

And JiSung's eyes flashed. He was going through a whole process that MinHo felt completely confused about. JiSung slipped away, grabbed his hair, and seeming as if he had had a great realization, began to walk in circles.

"Shit..., shit..., shit..." he cursed repeatedly, before directly confronting MinHo, scaring him. "Hyung, I- really, I'm really sorry."

"What?" MinHo had no idea what was going on. "Why? What the hell...?"

"Why so much scandal?" Chan, entering the kitchen, looked at the duo. "Did you break another glass or...?"

"No—we're fine, hyung," JiSung immediately deflected the conversation, seeming to recover from his break.

"No— not true, JiSungie went crazy," MinHo said, hoping the leader would give some explanation for JiSung's strange behavior. "He looks like he's heard he's adopted."

"I'm good," the boy confirmed, although he didn't look good. "Seriously. I think I'll go to sleep because tomorrow they will have the storyboard and..., yes..."

JiSung, still looking lost, ended up leaving the kitchen, presumably towards his bedroom. MinHo, not knowing how to formulate a word, looked at Chan. "Do you know what the fuck happened?"

"If you gave me context, maybe I would," Chan said.

"He asked me if I liked the chorus of the song we're going to do, and he asked me if it had any meaning to me and — clearly not, hyung. And now I just learned that he is in love with someone," MinHo didn't understand how the situation was so dramatic if it was quite simple.

However, when he said so, Chan almost put on the same face as JiSung. "Really?"

"Yes, what the hell?"

Chan, not knowing what to really do, awkwardly patted MinHo's shoulder. "Well..., I guess he's too much... shy with it, don't you think?"

"He looked like I insulted his mother."

"You know what JiSung is like," he said. "He’ll be okay."

However, he was not okay.

The official version was recorded, they recorded the video clip, uploaded the video, and saw social networks explode from the euphoria not only of the new song but of HyunJin's presence. The boy was happy - or very encouraged, especially to recover the chat of his fans, so the concentration of the group focused more on enjoying the joy of HyunJin than on anything else.

However, the euphoria subsided, and the sand began to show. For some reason, JiSung had stayed further away from MinHo those past few days.

"Have you at least asked him?" asked ChangBin while washing the dishes, during an afternoon that MinHo could not stand the doubt. "You know how conversations work, don't you?"

"I feel like if I ask him, he will rip my head out," MinHo admitted, feeling a bit cowardly. "Or maybe HyunJin will."

"Why HyunJin?"

"I don't know, but I know he wants to do it too."

Since Chan wasn't one to intervene in disputes except when necessary, he would give MinHo an idea of how serious the problem he was involved in—or how serious, really, because JiSung wasn't even acting that far away and it seemed like it was all part of MinHo's imagination.

"Look, I shouldn't tell you this, but I like gossip," ChangBin said, shaking his hands to spread the water. "JiSung had all this time a wrong view of you, and he just realized that. If you don't want to ask him directly, wait for the time to pass, or at least until he gets over."

"Get over," MinHo repeated, still not understanding. "Is it a bad thing, even?"

ChangBin shrugged. He was not clear with his answers.

It was a few days later that MinHo was finally able to catch JiSung – rather, JiSung caught him. They had the morning off and the youngest had eliminated all the sleep in his body, which meant that there was a hyperactive boy jumping everywhere in the apartment. Since MinHo considered that both of them had not spent quality time as friends, he offered JiSung to help him with his quick training in the apartment with the punching bag (located carefully away from the TV).

"It's funny how your breathing is always short," JiSung commented gracefully, holding the sack so he wouldn't shake so hard. "Plus, it makes that noise that appears in the Simpsons movie."

"What other noise could I make?" he wondered between gasps.

"The moans of the hentai would be entertaining. I'm sure you’ll going to catch everyone off guard."

That had caught him off guard. Laughing, MinHo stopped and took a breath, then hit the sack while, laughing, exaggeratedly imitated a groan of that theme, making JiSung also explode in laughter.

"Alas, how cute," SeungMin said as he walked through the living room to go to the kitchen, notoriously tired of his study. "Have they already been fixed?"

The laughter of both of them was extinguished, and JiSung looked curiously at SeungMin. "Fix us on what?"

Shit, MinHo thought.

"Ah- anyway, goodbye," SeungMin quickly disappeared, hiding in the kitchen.

JiSung, not understanding, looked at MinHo. "What did he mean by that?"

Nervous, MinHo scratched his neck. "Eh- I don't know, he must have been confused as a channel,"

"It was a real conversation, hyung, not discord,"

"You listen to what you want to hear, Hannie..."

But MinHo couldn't keep hitting the sack, because JiSung ran it to put his own body in place. "Hyung?"

The eldest let out a sigh, not wishing to have such a conversation so early in the morning. He thought of a better idea to touch on the subject, using the time when his mouth unbuttoned his boxing gloves so he could come up with something to escape the situation.

"I was just wondering why you've been avoiding me, that's all," he ended up admitting.

"Ah..."

JiSung was an easy person to express, but normally his expressions did not match the opinion that crossed his mind. He might show a countenance in which he agreed with you, but in his head, he might be going over a bunch of ideas antagonistic to one's. MinHo could be considered to have a specialty in such readings in JiSung, but now, that only made MinHo feel terrified to know the real feeling.

"I haven't avoided you," JiSung replied naturally as if distancing hadn't been the big deal. "We've been busy...or do you miss me, hyung?"

"Considering the fact that when I proposed to watch Nothing Hills and you threw the remote control over my head, and you haven't gotten into my bed these past few weeks...," MinHo commented as he looked at the ceiling, and frowning upon noticing that there were sneaker marks there. "I considered that you avoided me."

"Of course not, hyung, so don't think idiotic," he said, before winning back behind the punching bag.

"That's good," he muttered, with notorious sarcasm in his tone of voice. "Because it all started when you told me about the song, so I assumed that kept bothering you..."

JiSung, throwing a prominent sigh, put his forehead on the sack. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"I don't know, Hannie, do you want to talk about it?" as JiSung didn't answer, MinHo continued, "ChangBin told me that you took distance because you heard about something about me that took you by surprise."

"ChangBin, son of a bitch."

"I will accuse you that you called him that."

"Don't deviate from the topic, hyung."

They were both silent for a moment, which MinHo didn't understand because he didn't know how drastic the vision JiSung was had on him that had made him behave that way. The idea that he had lost his source of reliability after the song's review in MinHo made him terrified because he didn't want to lose the bond with JiSung; or maybe it was because of the way he referred to him, passing him to carry him in a derogatory way in a natural MinHo pattern, making himself hated a little more than before.

"Well...," JiSung began to speak. "The vision I had of you..., uh..., I thought we were both on the same page. That's it."

"On the same page of what?" he asked, not understanding anything about it. JiSung had adopted a shy and embarrassed be senance that he was trying to distract in the sack, which made MinHo more curious. "You talk like I owe you—I don't know, a relationship."

JiSung opened his eyes, and MinHo's air was stuck in his esophagus.

"Do I owe you a relationship?" MinHo said.

"No-no, hyung, you don't owe me a relationship," maturely, JiSung raised his face to see him in the eyes. "It's just that..., well, I thought we were in..., uhm, 'something', you know..."

Stunned, MinHo stood for a moment looking at JiSung, opening and closing his mouth as if looking in his deepest memories for something he had done that would make JiSung believe that.

"When...?"

"You don't want to know, hyung..."

"JiSung..."

"One- or two."

He froze. "Weeks? Months?"

"Years..."

Oh shit.

So, the times they slept together, was that why? They had done it before-shit, they had done everything before. Holding hands, hugging, sleeping, playing with double intentions because they were young, locked in an apartment, and clearly not heterosexual. But, recapitulating with the dates JiSung was hinting at, did everything have another subtext for him?

“Why did you never tell me?" asked MinHo, although he actually whispered.

"Yes I told you" he immediately reaffirmed. "I once asked you if we were together, and you said yes. ChangBin did too, and you said yes-shit, we even had the fucking talk with Chan, or don't you remember?"

"Well, I always thought that when they referred to together it was about together, JiSung, sharing space," he explained. "And Chan's talk- we were aaaaall there, weren't we?"

"He literally named our names."

"Yes, but - I don't know, as he said behavior in public I always thought he was referring to the fanservice we delivered," MinHo kept hallucinating with everything JiSung had told him, explaining himself innocently. "You know, like what we all do."

However, after finishing speaking, JiSung let out a sigh through his nose while smiling.

A smile that made him return to that one monthly evaluation in 2017 when teachers told him he had given an excellent presentation.

JiSung was going to jump down his throat.

"Fanservice," JiSung repeated, dropping the punching bag. Oh shit, it will really kill me. "I mean, for you, our relationship is fanservice."

"I mean- shit, JiSung, understand me," he asked, but JiSung stepped back. "I just found out that my best friend thought he was in a romantic relationship with me and..., and..."

"And it was actually service for the fans. False," he added, widening his smile.

No..., shit...

"But we are friends, JiSung," MinHo insisted, not knowing what evil was in his words. "We still are, aren't we?"

"Oh, of course," he said with a heavy dose of sarcasm. "Don't worry, hyung. I can make you a friendship bracelet in case you want something to reaffirm it."

"Come on- man, I'm sorry," he insisted, trying to take a step towards JiSung, but JiSung kept walking away. "With the song - regarding the song, why did you ask so much for my opinion?

"You told me!" JiSung looked impressed. "Or don't you remember it?, we had..., we had that ridiculous conversation when we were trainees and I thought that - I thought it was going to mean something now- I don't know, hyung, a romantic gesture or something..."

"But I've never had a romantic gesture with you," he defended, quickly collecting his memoirs so he could see if any of his behavior could be interpreted that way. "Or yes? I don't..."

JiSung's face was red from embarrassment, which made MinHo feel sorry for it. However, he couldn't argue anything in favor of the young one because he was still very, very confused.

"Okay, okay," JiSung ended up sentencing, running his hands over his face. "Just..., okay, I'll go to the company."

"But, Jisung-"

"See you in a while," he ended up saying goodbye, crossing the threshold to go to his bedroom.

MinHo was a whirlwind of emotions so strong that he didn't know whether to feel sorry, angry, or sorry at that instant, although a part of him forced him to laugh at how confusing everything was.

"Woah," from the kitchen frame, SeungMin watched MinHo as he played with his teabag. "Does that mean you guys break up?"

In anger, MinHo took off his glove and threw it at SeungMin, dodging it and causing the garment to hit the coffee maker and make it fall to the ground.

They hadn't quarreled with JiSung —no, of course not, it had all been a strange misunderstanding that could be left in the past..., even though he learned that the other thought they were in a romantic relationship for longer than MinHo could match.

What the hell?

No, no, no..., there were many things in his head at that moment to start thinking about everything at once.

Did that mean JiSung liked him? Was he in love with him? Did the group know it too? Why the fuck hadn't anyone told him that? What did the company think about that? What did the fans think about it?

MinHo was aware that this would have great repercussions on the dynamics of the group, which made him terrifying.

However, since JiSung was also an idol, he was mature enough to act seriously during the corresponding time.

Sure, but not the rest of the group.

Some were more explicit—like HyunJin, for example. SeungMin also bothered him openly because he was a little shit, so it was part of his nature. JeongIn, who seemed to be well concerned with what was happening, seemed to act as sideways as possible with subtle hints. And Felix, unlike the other three, didn't comment on it, but he did laugh at everything.

However, the other two boys were heavier.

"We don't want to intervene in the two of you unless it's necessary for the group," Chan had told him that same afternoon of the fight. "Outside of that, you can fix your problems on your own."

JiSung was mature. MinHo was mature. There was nothing to worry about.

But, again, the rest were not.

"HyunJin, can you pass me the salt, please?" asked SeungMin as the three-plus Felix ate in the company cafeteria.

"Okay- ah, but don't get confused," HyunJin traced with false seriousness. "This act of kindness is only because we are friends."

"Ah~, HyunJin," SeungMin lamented in a bad performance. "I thought you wanted to marry me."

"It's pretty disrespectful to make fun of JiSung that way," MinHo said underneath, swallowing a little of his sandwich.

"We didn't make fun of JiSung. We make fun of you," HyunJin reaffirm.

MinHo snorted. "Why do they make me look like I'm the bad guy in the movie?"

"We don't. We just sneered," SeungMin smiled. "JiSung also has his dose – only when is necessary."

"Why 'only when is necessary'?"

"Because you're not the one who had to comfort him...," Felix murmured.

MinHo, looking at him indignantly, blinked. "Comfort him? My intention was never-"

"We know," the three interrupted.

HyunJin, sipping from his iced coffee, smiled. "And what do you plan to do, hyung?"

"Do?" MinHo shrugged. "Nothing, I guess.” Should I do something? It would be a very bastard of me to act next to him as if nothing had happened."

"Then fix things," SeungMin said simply. "Confess or what do I know – it's not that hard."

Stopping his movement, MinHo blinked repeatedly again.

Confess?

He didn't like JiSung – he knew what the feeling was like, he knew how it was realistically constructed, not as the younger had put it within the lyrics of the new song. To like someone was much more complex and profound than a few simple words of nervousness and blank mind – it was getting to know each other, compassion, secrecy and close relationship, something that with JiSung..., well, they did have, but that was not the point.

(Actually, it was, but who cares.)

"I don't like JiSung that way," MinHo said, going back to eating. "I've never seen it that way."

"And why did he ask him, decades ago, in Two Kids in a Room?" asked Felix innocently.

"For the fanservice," he replied simply.

"Auch," the three of them exclaimed.

Sharing space with JiSung wasn't as awkward as MinHo was predisposed to it happening. They could be in the same rehearsal room and both laughed at the ridiculousness the other did— nothing out of the ordinary. However, there was one rehearsal in particular, in preparation for the comeback, where JiSung and MinHo spoke normally.

As if nothing had happened between them.

How could JiSung think that the two were in something romantic when could tell that he was platonic? MinHo was only casual with trusted people, playing with cruel humor and sarcasm at a level that JiSung got perfectly suited to- even when he was not a sarcastic person. They both coordinated the taunts they made and perfectly feigned improvised scenes that made the rest laugh. How could it be romantic?!

"Who is leaving now?" asked ChangBin, as he checked his cell phone. "To order the car."

"Everyone, I guess," HyunJin said, drying his sweaty hair on a towel.

"No-no," JiSung denied, laughing. "I have to work on my own thing – you know, the success of the album."

"You have a lot of esteem, honey."

"If I don't have it, who else will have it for me?"

HyunJin, in his sync with JiSung, took him from the torso and tilted him back. "I will always hold you in esteem because my love for you burns like a thousand suns."

"Oh- My love," JiSung continued, putting both hands on the back of HyunJin's neck. "I'm so lucky to have you by my side."

"I have to stay with JiSung, so let it be a vehicle for six," Chan told ChangBin, who paid attention right away.

JiSung and HyunJin were to play that way–a much more exaggerated way than he did with MinHo. How come, with all that romantic acting, JiSung didn't fall in love with HyunJin?

JiSung acted in a canonically loving way with the rest of the boys, even accepting the kisses on the face that Felix gave him. He treated them with mellow nicknames, caresses of hair, and words of affection that showed his way of loving. He acted in a much larger, exaggerated way with them.

So, under that premise, how come JiSung could believe he had anything real with MinHo if his interactions were alien to that?

Sure, JiSung treated him with mellow nicknames, caresses in his hair, and words of affection that showed his way of loving, but MinHo didn't consider that to be the same as he did with the other boys.

But, if it were different, would there be any problem with that?

"I'll stay to rehearse," MinHo interrupted, as ChangBin sent audio to the manager. "You cannot move forward if I am not further ahead."

"Ha! braggart," ChangBin sneered, before mentioning that the other five would go home.

MinHo had no idea why he decided to stay, but he didn't want to be in the apartment without JiSung.

After two o'clock in the morning, MinHo bought a coffee in the machine in the hallway and went down to Chan's studio with the intention of seeing the status of the two boys before leaving. He inserted the key into the security insurance and, careful not to disturb anyone, entered the studio. JiSung was already waiting for him.

"Shhh...," he said, pointing his finger at Chan who was sleeping on the couch. "He's dead," he modulated.

MinHo nodding closed the door carefully and walked towards the empty seat next to JiSung. The boy was working on his own laptop, guided by the instrumental guide that was on the second screen next to the melodic line that was on the screen of his device. MinHo was surprised that JiSung felt it, as his headphones were very strong.

"I wanted to know how you were doing before I left," MinHo reported, whispering. "Until what time will you stay?"

"I'm done with this and we left, I think," JiSung thought, looking up at the monitor above them. "It's taken me a little longer to get on with this."

They fell silent for a moment after MinHo nodded. JiSung was typing and moving the mouse from time to time, repeating fragments of the song over and over again.

"Can I listen?" MinHo dared to ask.

JiSung, without any extraordinary expression on his face, took off a headset and held it out to MinHo, who put it on right away.

Will JiSung be nervous at that time? He typed calmly, and his breathing was not agitated. If he supposedly liked MinHo, shouldn't he flog a little because of the closeness?

But he couldn't think of it, because JiSung's creation sounded through his ear.

I had already heard it, like most of his demos. This wasn't one of his favorites either, but it was the one he could enjoy the most in a specific climate.

The first time he heard it was with the weather described. Rainy. It was the summer rain of a while ago, before that year and the previous one. It was a much more outdated and inadequate version of JiSung's professionalism, but he had excused himself from having composed it in a wave of inspiration.

It was raining, and the drops were sticking on his bedroom window. They had the bunk curtain closed, and the only lighting was from the cloudy day. The shoulders of the two collided as they rested lying down, silently, and contemplating the other as the melody flooded the air.

Why did the two situations feel different?

Because more than two years had passed, and because even the song had changed.

"I like it," MinHo said when the song ended. "Is it the presentation demo?"

"Yes- I was making some adjustments to the vocal line because I couldn't sing it," he alluded to the leader sleeping on the couch. "But I think that's fine. Doesn't the choir seem very loud to you, hyung?"

He liked how the boy pronounced his honorific, although he liked it better on nights of trust when he called him by name.

"I find it right," he agreed, looking at him. "And it's not cheesy."

JiSung rolled his eyes before focusing his gaze on the screen. "Of course it's not– do you want to hear another one?"

"You know I want."

Why was JiSung not affected by it? Why was he acting normally? he had believed that they were in a relationship for more than a year or two..., why did he seem to wear it so well? MinHo would be shattered in his shoes.

And if MinHo was left with doubt, it would not benefit him for his future.

"Can I ask you something?" JiSung nodded. "Why..., uh..., do you speak to me?"

"Do you want me not to do it?"

"No- I mean..., aren't you mad at me?"

JiSung, sniffing through his nose, turned to face him. "The misinterpretation was done by me, hyung. You are not to blame, you know?"

"But I don't want to make you feel bad-"

"And it’s okay, hyung," he smiled as if he really was. "There are things that need to get over. You know that we are friends. "

For the first time, MinHo wanted JiSung to act like his seventeen-year-old self.

MinHo wanted to tell him a bunch of things at that instant, but his head would go blank and alter his neurons by simply not being able to form a coherent sentence.

Everything would be easier if JiSung became arrogant again.

Two days after what happened, Chan sought him out to talk to him.

Shit, he cursed MinHo in his mind. Was he up that night?

"I inadvertently listened to a couple of things...," Chan began.

He was up that night!

"I believe JiSung's word, hyung," MinHo hurriedly said, hoping that the talk would not go in that direction. "If he says things are fine, then I will believe him."

"And do you think he's okay?"

"Don't ask slugs, hyung. I trust JiSung. If something bothers him, he will run away."

JiSung never escaped, which encouraged MinHo to continue their platonic relationship. However, he could tell JiSung striving to get everything back to normal.

He still had doubts hanging around in his head, mostly built by the song. September was the month of the comebacķ, so the songs of the album were repeated constantly both in the building and in the apartment. When Oh stood out from the repertoire, MinHo tried to listen carefully to the lyrics, hoping that it would make him fit into his memories like words that would open the memory he had blocked.

If JiSung had mentioned to him that the choir had been a conversation they had when they were apprentices, why couldn't MinHo remember? He had no memory of having mentioned it.

What if he asks him?

In that instant, where the thought flew through his head, it was past midnight. The next day was a heavy day: pre-recording, photoshoot and, if the energy existed, rehearsal. Chan had ordered the lights to go out at eleven, but since everyone had their heads on from stress, the silence of the bedroom was overwhelmingly boring.

SeungMin was reading with a small flashlight hanging from his book, thinking about how nerdy he could become. And, for his part, HyunJin was playing online with Felix, or so he could hear him mowing from the bed on him.

Since everyone was awake, MinHo assumed that JiSung did too—under normal circumstances, if he were ordered to fall asleep, he would do so at that instant; however, it was a comeback period, JiSung was stressed.

He opened his personal chat on KakaoTalk, and messaged him an 'awake?' ' not at all subtle. JiSung didn't answer him, but he did send him a sticker from a raised thumb. MinHo took it on signal to go.

Neither SeungMin nor HyunJin was fazed when they saw MinHo leave the bedroom, and he thought that maybe JeongIn would say something if he was also awake.

Well, you'll just ask him about the song and you'll come back, he said to himself, when he was out of the other two's bedroom. You need to have a quiet night.

Arriving at JeongIn and JiSung's dormitory, he headed straight for the boy's bed. He overtook his gaze towards JeongIn, and the minor was wearing a silk mask to sleep. He heard JiSung move on the mattress in order to give him space, but as he ran the quilts, he was struck by the strange noise he made.

"What do you have in bed?" asked MinHo, with a voice volume low enough not to wake JeongIn.

"Leaves," he said simply.

"Will you sleep with that all over the blanket?"

"It's a new technique," he explained, a little excited. "Chan hyung recommended me to synthesize the lyrics into a single song because I was having a lot of ideas but I didn't complete any, so I split the lyrics by verse and randomly created a single song."

"How?"

Under the pillow, JiSung took out his cell phone and turned it on. The dim light directly showed JiSung's face, which MinHo was distracted by for a moment and didn't notice what the boy was originally showing him: the wall had glued torn from the leaves that JiSung had split in half.

"Will they make sense, even if it is?" MinHo spoke again.

JiSung shrugged. "They all talk about the same thing, really."

He turned off his cell phone and put it back under his pillow. MinHo had to wait a moment so he could get used to the darkness of the room so that he could finally see JiSung who was facing him, covered up to his shoulder and with his hands hidden. The silence gave the idea that, with the noise of the leaves, JiSung was moving his feet underneath.

"Hyung?"

"Yes?"

"What are you doing here?"

There was no need to lie, but also not to be sincere. It had been weeks since they were like this, staring at each other in the dark as he allowed his legs to bond because he felt he was a classic of them.

Now there was a great invisible wall called knowledge, where MinHo danced between acting as he was before or changing his total posture of what was happening.

"I just thought I didn't come to you for a long time," MinHo replied, biting the inside of his cheek. "If you allow me, of course..."

JiSung didn't speak for a moment, meditating on his next words or actions. "Can it be silent?"

MinHo settled into bed and nodded. "Whatever you want, Hannie..."

He had come with the idea of being able to ask JiSung about the song, but having him lie next to him, facing him in the dark with a distance he was not used to, made him feel as if everything was right – as if nothing had changed. However, he also felt as if he had done everything.

The next morning, when he was awakened by a blow that JiSung gave him as a sign of revenge for the kick he gave him, he checked in the hour of the other's cell phone that it was after six in the morning. The collective alarm (HyunJin's) sounded in another hour, and he knew he would be in trouble if he was found there. That's why he left.

The day passed normally, with MinHo feeling more relieved to have been able to sleep quietly with JiSung after weeks of distance. He didn't know if he was doing well with all that, but he wanted to keep trusting JiSung's word because, after all, he was the only one who knew if what he was doing was right or not.

After finishing the pre-recording and photoshoot, MinHo preferred to get lost in the rehearsal room that night.

"When I hold your hand, I feel like being a baby again, and I go whining and saying, 'don't look at me like that'" he repeated, hoping to find something in the song.

However, he did not succeed.

"No matter how much I plan and prepare when I'm with you, I'm just a baby," he finished vocalizing.

"Oops, musical moment," HyunJin annoyed him, appearing next to him in the room.

MinHo, snorting, looked at him. "What are you doing here?"

"I work here, hyung."

"Fuck off."

"I need help with a specific choreography."

Ugh, MinHo hated being a good hyung.

The practice was completely silent. The music echoed alongside the slippers and their breaths, so they could find themselves in a state of tranquility.

HyunJin was good and elegant for his dance, unlike MinHo who let his body calculate the exact movements to compose a great staging. The friendly rivalry they carried could be compared to the one ChangBin and JiSung had: wanting to be better than the other, but also wanting the other to be better than one. An exquisite vicious circle that ended up concluding in a great performance.

"Did you catch?" MinHo asked, after explaining a piece of the dance bridge of the main song of his return. "It's simple. If you have a lot of complications in coordinating, just bend your torso a little to have the desired effect."

"Desired effect," HyunJin repeated mockingly, although he nodded in understanding. "I understood, hyung. Thank you very much."

"A coffee in return."

"Of course.”

HyunJin bought him one at the vending machine, and as they retreated, they both passed in front of Chan's study, entering the key to enter and see if the three boys were in order so they could go home or see if they needed anything.

However, after slightly opening the door, MinHo felt something crash hard in it.

"Get out!!!"

Three powerful roars echoed from the studio, and since MinHo and HyunJin were not idiots, they quickly closed the door and left there.

"What do you think will have happened?" asked HyunJin, worried about the situation.

"It's normal for them to be like this in this period," MinHo reminded him, alluding to the fact that they haven't had this kind of preparation for a year. "Remember when they didn't speak out each other and we were their message channels, and then Chan hyung got angry when he found out we were modifying the messages..."

"Yes, but I didn't think they would take this comeback with such intensity," he admitted, a little shy. "We could ask JeongInnie tomorrow. JiSung always tells him about the fights."

However, with the latent curiosity in the two of them, at lunch the next day JeongIn refused to speak.

"JiSung didn't tell you?" asked HyunJin, not believing it.

"He didn't even come last night," he replied selflessly, eating from his instant noodles. "Even - I don't think any of the three arrived last night."

"Oh god," HyunJin looked at MinHo. "They killed each other."

"Don't be ridiculous," MinHo denied, pulling out his cell phone to dial the youngest of the trio. "I will call JiSung and ask him."

However, there was a bigger problem.

JiSung had blocked him.

"What the hell?" he muted, showing his cell phone to the two minors. "He blocked me."

"Well, you deserve it," JeongIn joked.

MinHo slammed him under the table.

"Maybe you filled him with messages again while you were sleeping," HyunJin tried to give him an explanation. "And because they were fighting, maybe you were irritating."

"Your logic is too weird."

"I try to give you a solution, hyung. Die if you don't want to take it."

When the five boys came to the meeting room, summoned by Chan, there was no trace of a fight.

"What the fuck happened to them yesterday?" asked HyunJin subtly, taking a seat in one of the chairs. "With MinHo we wanted to know how you were and you kicked us out mercilessly."

"Oh, group catharsis," Chan downplayed.

Of course, it was group catharsis, MinHo reneged; or that's what they called him the times they exploded with rage with each other and ended up the next day more united than ever.

The review of the recorded video clips, the final results of the songs, and the costumes presented by the JYP staff were all that I concise about the meeting. The boys mocked each other for the clothes or facial samples that were in the videos; the classic thing that could be expected from a lot of twenty-somethings. However, MinHo did not participate in that attack – no, of course not, because his head was more thinking about possible arguments in favor of JiSung that were explanatory of why he had blocked him.

Maybe he just got a mistake, he ended up sentencing MinHo.

"JiSung," before MinHo could retire to the gym and the other one locked himself back in Chan's studio, grabbed his arm. "Uh- hey, I wanted to talk to you in the morning and I noticed that you blocked me."

"Did I block you? In the chat?" he asked, slightly surprised by MinHo's statement. He took his cell phone out of his back pocket and checked it out for himself. MinHo didn't know why he felt so nervous. "Oh, you're right, hyung, I've blocked you."

MinHo patiently waited for JiSung to touch that little button indicating that it was permissible to message and call him again. However, JiSung shrugged and put away his cell phone again. "How crazy."

"How crazy," MinHo repeated, hours later, hanging like a bat on his head while SeungMin stopped using the exercise machine he showed interest in. "He told me that. What the fuck does that mean?"

"Maybe he did it by mistake," SeungMin corroborated, approaching his towel and water bottle so he could get some rest. "You know, how he fought with ChangBin and Chan."

"You can check. He hasn't even unlocked me."

SeungMin stretched with ailment to MinHo's cell phone and proved it for himself. "Ah, you’re right."

"Is it still like this?!"

"Yeah. I will ask ChangBin hyung if he knows anything," he replied, getting into the chat where ChangBin was. “Or may be something about the mental block, hyung, you know? I think Plato talk about it in one of his-”

“SeungMin.”

“Sorry.”

MinHo kept doing inverted sit-ups a couple more times until he felt tired enough to continue. He ended up getting off and drinking from his bottle of water, seeing that SeungMin was still talking to ChangBin. "Well?"

SeungMin, looking up from the phone, looked at him lost. "What?"

"Did you ask ChangBin?"

"Ah- right," SeungMin put up with his thumb the conversation he had on MinHo's cell phone with ChangBin and showed it to the eldest. "He said he had taken JiSung's cell phone to block it."

"What?!" the annoyed attacked him immediately. Who did he think he was to do that? "Why the fuck? Give me the cell phone and-"

"JeongIn told him that you slept with JiSung the other night," he said, taking away his cell phone. "I don't want to take sides, hyung, but I would have done the same."

"But why?" MinHo sat on the ground. “JiSung wanted us to stay the same as before– I'm not going to push it away just because you tell me. I trust JiSung's judgment."

"Ah, hyung," he rolled his eyes, looking tired. "Have you never seen in movies that you never have to trust the judgment of people in love?"

"JiSung is not a person- Ah, for the shit!"

How the hell did he never realize that?!, people who believe they are in a romantic relationship with someone else are because he likes him– sure!

The immense desire to vomit took hold of him, feeling a strong cold shower of realization and guilt that stabbed him so often that he would not let him breathe. Why had he trusted JiSung's judgment?!, Why did he have to believe him when he told him that everything was fine?!, Chan was right!

The comeback, among all the chaos, came. The excitement not only of the personal records they were breaking but generational encouraged him and made him partially forget everything that was happening between him and JiSung – the youngest was approaching in signs of joy and innocence, just like the conversations before all the chaos that had happened. They celebrated as a group the awards received, the compliments, the interviews, and the goals achieved that there was no room for another feeling in their bodies.

That period made MinHo believe that everything had returned to normal.

One afternoon, which was considered a prize by the company, the youngest went out together while Chan took advantage of that instance to sleep. For their part, as MinHo and ChangBin were comfortable enough in the apartment room, they did a marathon of random movies where they both underwent heated arguments over the positions of the characters.

Idyllic moment.

However, the bubble of pleasure vanished when the young people in the group sent a group photo of them somewhere in Seoul – perhaps it was a nightclub or a bar, where they also offered something to take to the apartment. The sender of the message was from JiSung, making MinHo remember the situation.

"Why did you block me from JiSung's cell phone?" asked MinHo.

They both lived in the same bedroom and sometimes had the same schedules, so there wasn't much need to send direct messages to each other. And since MinHo had already mentioned to JiSung that his contact was blocked and had done nothing about it, MinHo did nothing but respect his decision.

"Ah...," he didn't look remorse. "Yes. I had forgotten that."

"Forgotten?"

"JeongIn told me that you sneaked into JiSung's bed just because," ChangBin looked at MinHo. "I know you have emotional intelligence, hyung, but it seems like you forget about JiSung."

"Not that I forget," MinHo urged himself. "It's just that..., I'm so used to his presence that it's weird not to have him around."

"I know, but if you want JiSung as your friend, you have to give him space," he said, taking some of the fryings on the table to eat. "You've been hurt by this process, hyung. Don't be cruel."

"That's why you blocked my contact?"

"Yes. You can take care of yourself and already have more experience in these issues. JiSung doesn't, or at least not as far as I know."

What struck MinHo the most is that yes, JiSung had had experience. The subject of romance for JiSung was just as taboo as his arrival from Malaysia to Korea– or he must have been too desperate, or too drunk to comment on it.

JiSung's romantic experience was of the same level of failure as MinHo: something bland that was easily forgettable. But, unlike him, JiSung used his broken memories and feelings to create songs as mellow as Airplane or Happy.

In fact, MinHo opened up a memory of the first time they talked about that topic. Both had escaped for coffee on the company's emergency stairs by the suffocating of the reality show's cameras, in pre-debut. There, MinHo had learned that JiSung had studied in Malaysia and what all the change and belonging problem it had given him had meant – the reason why he linked up with Chan. However, he also learned that the boy had always been the second choice of romance.

"Either it was between me and another guy, or he just wasn't as sure as I was," he had told him that time, along with a sour smile. "Or that the other person lived closer to her, or that he didn't want to be with someone who couldn't give him the same — you know, hyung, that. "

"They really left you because you didn't want to sleep with them?" he asked in surprise, thinking about how the people MinHo had ever been with him had never said no.

"Better to say it like this: they left me because others did want to have sex."

JiSung hadn't understood the formula for romance, and MinHo, who had an idea of what he believed from what he had heard from the people he had become involved with, explained.

"It's the feeling of being a child," he said, with a nostalgic smile. "You try to come up and hold his hand and you flirt with him in a way that wasn't common with you. When you see it as the other person is funny, but when you are the one who does it..., you say so many things that are painful and everything you plan goes to the same shit because- well, you end up becoming a child ... "

The memory was unlocked, and MinHo felt the epiphany.

"Of course I told him!" exploded, scaring ChangBin by the sudden scream.

"What?” ChangBin didn't understand anything.

MinHo took ChangBin by the shoulders and shook him. He felt adrenalin. "JiSung told me that the choir was what I once told him! And it's true! I told him!"

"That's fantastic!" shouted ChangBin as well, but taking MinHo by the hands to calm him down. "Now- What good is that information for you?"

He froze because that information was of no use to him.

MinHo didn't notice the amount of time he was trapped in that epiphany, because when he wanted to answer ChangBin, Chan left the bedroom with a steady face and with murder intentions.

"Hello," he greeted with a raspy voice and swollen eyes. "Could you..., be silenced?"

"Yes- sorry, hyung," they both hurriedly said.

Chan, dragging his feet, also walked to the sofa and threw himself into a corner to also watch the movie, although he seemed to want to stay awake.

Continuously, the bedroom door opened, showing the rest of the group stumbling in and throwing slippers and clothes everywhere (except for SeungMin, who went out of his way to leave his jacket hanging and his slippers well placed).

"Good night!" they waved. The five of them looked at Chan, and chanted, "We are not drunk!"

"You don't need to be to act like idiots," ChangBin told them, laughing at seeing kids like that.

Some were distributed between the bedroom, the bathroom and the living room. MinHo felt nervous enough about JiSung's arrival, wanting to talk to him right away.

When the boy walked to the bathroom to brush his teeth, and the rest of the boys stayed in the living room to watch the movie, MinHo followed JiSung.

"Hey, I have to talk to you," he said right away, watching JiSung place the toothpaste on the brush.

The younger, disregarded, nodded.

"I know it's annoying that I'm sticking with the topic, but..., uh, I remembered the conversation we had," he muttered. When JiSung raised an eyebrow, he realized that he didn't make himself understood. "You know..., in which the chorus of the song came out."

Understanding, JiSung nodded. "Does the cheesiness make sense now?" he asked, his mouth full of pasta.

"Yes and - really, I'm really sorry for not remembering," he apologized. "I didn't know it was important to you."

"Of course not," he said sarcastically, pulling the brush out of his mouth. "For me it was traumatic, for you, it was a Wednesday."

"I'm not saying it was irrelevant to me, but..."

"That's what you’re saying."

"It's just that-" MinHo was losing patience, and JiSung noticed it, so he continued with the brushing. "I don't know – normally, when you befriend someone, you don't always remember some conversations because they're part of building the relationship. My previous relationships I didn't even remember how I knew them, JiSung, but with you I did – wow, I did, because I remember you were prepared to rip out the head of anyone who approached you and..."

When he realized that he was rambling and that JiSung's posture he had adopted was the same one he was describing, he knew that he got into trouble.

In big trouble.

"What the fuck are you talking about, hyung?" he asked after spitting the toothpaste into the sink. "What do you mean by that?!"

MinHo had pressed all the buttons of the boy's stress, and the volume of the movie dropped abruptly.

He was silent. What did he mean by all that? He considered that it was the right thing to mention because it was part of his personal relationship with JiSung - the one in which both lived it in parallel, with another type of context.

"Okay, sorry..." MinHo hurriedly said. "I didn't have to have mentioned it-"

"Didn't you remember how you met your previous partners, but you remember how you met me?!" he asked, angrily. "Do you remember how you met the boys?! How did you talk to SeungMin for the first time?!"

"JiSung, please..."

"No!" exploded, forcefully leaving the brush in the sink while pointing dangerously at MinHo's chest. "How dare you tell me that?! You really don't have any kind of feeling for me?! Why are you doing this to me?!"

"I know I have treated you very badly this past time, JiSung, I'm seriously sorry..."

"No, because you never treated me badly! On the contrary!" MinHo didn't realize that he was backing up for every syllable that JiSung manifested with fury. "You treated me so well that you kept confusing me, getting excited! Why couldn't you be good and walk away from me when you know I was in love with you?!"

Why didn't he do it? JiSung was his best friend, why would he have had to?

MinHo never gave him wings– his actions were never in order to thrill him, nor to demonstrate any romantic interest of that style.

Why was all the blame falling on him when it was JiSung, first of all, who had confused everything?

"Because you never told me," he replied, also feeling the annoyance in his words. "You never told me how you felt."

"I always did, I always told you that I loved you!"

"How do you also do it with the rest of the guys, JiSung! How the hell would I know that with me was different?! You treat them with cute nicknames, you are affectionate..., You treat them the same way you treat me!"

"Of course not, hyung! Because with you I always made sure to be sincere- to show it in the way that made you feel comfortable because I know how reserved you are!"

"JiSung- you were never sincere towards me..., At what point did all this start? Don't you know how bad I feel because I made you feel like this?"

"And why hadn't you stopped me?!" he faced, fed up. "This past time you have seemed nothing more than ignoring my feelings and wanting to continue acting as we were before, don't you have mercy for me, do you?!"

"You said it was okay!"

"I'm a person in love, hyung, I'm not okay!!"

The strong silence of the department was created abruptly. The movie presumed that he was not running, as well as that the rest of the group was holding their breath so as not to intervene in the heated fight.

This was the first time JiSung had confessed his feelings to him directly. MinHo didn't know what to do with that information.

JiSung, running his hands over his face and hair, ended up letting out a sigh. "Can you give me space, hyung?”

"Yes, of course," MinHo agreed, just as tired. "Take as long as you want, and I-"

"Okay," he nodded. "I'm glad to know that we agree on something."

JiSung retreated to his own bedroom, forcing the door to close.

A couple of murmurs were heard coming from the room. A couple of insults and someone who drowned out a scream. Finally, between stumbling, Chan walked out into the hall to see MinHo.

"Sorry, hyung, I'm not in the mood for scolding," MinHo hurriedly said, seeming to have no idea what had just happened.

"At this point, I don't think you deserve a scolding," Chan said, though he wasn't very convinced either. "How about you make your mind a little clear, you haven't been able to be sincere."

MinHo, feeling a little bad, shrugged. "I don't know how sincere I can be now without having to harm JiSung."

The advantages of the proximity of a Japanese comeback and the preparation of a Christmas album were to be busy. MinHo's mind prioritized dance and practices than JiSung's presence inside the room – and that helped, really, because if there was any doubt with a move, HyunJin or Felix would take the lead in helping the child without the need to go to MinHo.

But, although the two did not talk to each other, that small complicity of giving the best of the other was maintained to be able to bring a good atmosphere when they were in a group. During various recordings, both could joke and have small talks to eliminate tension (especially when they went side by side in the formation), but neither of the words that were emitted to the other was what could be considered a good way to fix themselves.

On the contrary. When they arrived at the apartment, they did nothing but walk to the opposite side.

Did MinHo hurt that situation? Of course!, it was his best friend who had confessed to him (in a strange way, it should be said) and who had asked him for distance. MinHo had been so used to his presence that, once again, not having him around him made MinHo feel stressed and overwhelmed, not having the ability to talk to someone he could connect their minds with. The guys were fine, actually, but with JiSung, everything had another subtext.

The way he had talked to JiSung, treated him, and behaved had been very immature—too much when he came from someone who was the second oldest in the group. A mature person who spoke of mature love. Mature man who believed that the situation was going to be easy.

In front of JiSung, everything was more difficult.

There were instances where they clashed and MinHo seemed to lose his sanity. Not talking to JiSung made him transform the other into a sudden stranger that caused a feeling of strangeness within him, and as interactions drifted away and politeness emerged in both of them, the more nervous he placed MinHo.

He expressed that concern to Chan, weeks later. JiSung had wished him a happy birthday at midnight and MinHo felt that he was able to touch the stars with his fingers because of the great joy he had felt.

"It's that-Chan hyung," MinHo stopped him as he moved back and forth in his studio, while Chan was doing the exercises the kinesiologist had instructed for his wrist. "He doesn't get it — it's totally hilarious."

"What's totally hilarious?"

"Everything!" he raised his arms. "JiSung moves like he doesn't care about anything – like he hasn't done anything in these last few months. He continues to behave as usual, and now he's just getting closer to me. You know what that means- his process of overcoming couldn't last so little—shit, hyung, maybe he doesn't even feel comfortable and he's just pressured to maintain a good climate in the group—are you pushing him to have a good climate in the group?!"

"Calm down, man, it's not even as complex as you think," Chan tackled the bout of verbiage MinHo was having, turning in his chair to see him. "Can't it be that he reconsidered and is trying to take the party in peace with you?"

"I'm not prepared to have something like that with him, hyung," he said, nervously. "I mean, a part of me wants to get as far away from JiSung as much as they can because I noticed that I only hurt him – and a lot! And on the other hand, I want to go back to how we were before, hyung, I miss being with him so much..."

"Ah..."

"What should I do, hyung? This is like a fucking illusion. I say- Can't it end easily? I just want to come to him and get him and-"

"Well- stop," finally, Chan interrupted him, tired. "Do you hear yourself?"

MinHo, not understanding, blinked. "Why?"

"You're quoting the song," he explained, notoriously graceful. "The guys have told me that every time you talk to any of them about JiSung, you always quote the song, why do you do that?"

With a dry mouth and feel like he was hit in the stomach, MinHo went over each of the conversations he had had and couldn't find in any of them the reflection of the cheesy song he had been forced to sing months ago. Everything he said he amended from his heart, not only because he felt that everything he said agreed with what that fool expressed..., silly...

"Can I tell you something?" Chan spoke again, noticing MinHo's prolonged silence. "Oh has the two meanings we know, you know, that of love and that of a child," MinHo nodded, considering the clarification obvious. "But..., there's a third meaning, you know, we didn't mention it because it's not that important, but in literature, that concept is usually used as someone's impression of noticing that they're in love."

"In love?" he questioned gracefully, getting up from the sofa. "It's not like I'm in love with JiSung, it's just that - I'm so used to having him that it's withdrawal syndrome or..."

"Have you ever fallen in love?"

"You know yes, I had a girlfriend who I thought was the love of my life and she ended me by text message while I was on tour," he recalled. "I know how love works in my body, and I can assure you that it's not like what I feel with JiSung, because with JiSung-"

Finally, after months, MinHo stopped to think.

Oh.

A little nervous, and feeling his eyes water again from the epiphany, he shaved just to maintain his composure.

"Hyung," MinHo spoke, solemnly. "I can't stand it."

"To what?" he asked, amused.

"To you. I can't stand you."

That said, MinHo ended up getting out of there.

He didn't mean that he had been blind for not realizing his feelings for JiSung- but heck," the love inside him was all the damn time! If JiSung's stage presence didn't leave him with his feet on the moon, maybe it was his first laugh in the morning that left him captivated.

He should not have to feel the desired pattern of being in love with someone in order to be in love, nor should he deny a whole past with him when, in truth, that was what he wanted to continue having for his future.

Go for a walk when the weather is idyllic at MinHo's request. Lying down watching documentaries at JiSung's request. Escape to convivence store when they wanted to skip dinner. Talk about all kinds of issues that surrounded them just because. Listening to songs, watching movies, practicing together, and maintaining loneliness with each other was all MinHo had never been used to and ended up being all he had ever wanted.

Suddenly, all of his previous interactions finally made sense inside MinHo's head. That was the romantic relationship he always aspired to.

Arriving at the apartment, it was to be expected that he would not meet JiSung there, so he went to the kitchen and, with happiness, prepared lunch for eight people. SeungMin and Felix were there, so it was normal to see them touring in the kitchen while asking him what he was doing – he ended up sharing the oven with Felix and, for his enjoyment, a big dinner was held.

The eight shared in the room as they tasted the food and looked forward to dessert. They commented on what their day was like and complained about the same things that twenty-somethings did: life. They mocked and opined. Discussed. Fought. They would fix themselves and complain about everything again.

After eating the dessert and playing rock, paper or scissors, ChangBin washed the frets. Everyone began to scatter around the dormitory so they could lie down, and the first one who seized his bed was JiSung.

The time has come.

MinHo visualized JeongIn wanting to enter his bedroom, but in a silent movement, he went, took the minor by the shoulders, turned around, and gently pushed him back into the living room, getting MinHo into the shared dormitory and closing the door.

The first thing he saw was JiSung, with half of his shirt in his arms, looking blankly at MinHo.

"What happened?" JiSung asked, ending up taking off the garment to leave it careless on the floor.

"I'm coming to talk to you about what happened," MinHo began.

"Uh- was it because of what I said in that interview, I didn't mean it..."

"No, it's just that- What interview?"

"Forget it. What do you mean?"

Taking great inspiration, he raised his chin to smile. "I understand the song."

JiSung blinked disregard. "The song? What so- fuck! Oh?! You still with that?!"

He had exclaimed so suddenly that MinHo had jumped a little, but he didn't break with his character. "Yep, I'm still with that. And I can say that, at last, I understood it."

Once again, JiSung ran his hands across his face to dispel the face, sitting on the bed while denying. "Hyung..., why don't you still let go of the topic?"

"Did you let it go?"

JiSung shrugged. "What do you want to hear?"

"That you don’t, Hannie."

Slowly, JiSung took his hands off his face so that he could face MinHo, more confused than before. "What?"

"Don't let it go, because the conversation isn't over yet," he decreed, to smile openly. "I'm in love with you too, JiSung."

MinHo expected two reactions to his statement: a direct rejection by JiSung, saying that he had already gotten over him but that they could remain friends; or, that he got out of his bed so that he could kiss MinHo and say that he also loved him too.

He didn't wait for the seventeen-year-old JiSung to possess him and attack him.

"What the fuck are you talking about?!" exclaimed JiSung, taking his pillow and stuffed animal to jump into punching MinHo. "How dare you to tell me that?!  You really made me lose patience, hyung! You are the worst human being this story could have! And that there are people like Hitler! Tomas de Torquemada! Pol Pot! Genghis Khan! Margaret Thatcher!"

“Got it, got it, got it!" MinHo tried to stop him, but he was so choked with laughter that he couldn't even put his thoughts in order beyond how funny everything was being. "Please stop!"

At that, JeongIn opened the door to know what was going on, but JiSung threw the pillow at his face, causing him to close the door instantly.

Finally, JiSung got tired.

"Why do you have to tell me that now? Are you sure what you say? Didn't you drink alcohol?"

"I am aware of every word," he rectified, joining in to get closer to him. "Why did we never talk about it before? It would have been easier for you to tell me."

"I couldn't tell you liked me because that was so self-centered — and very sad, really," he admitted, saddened. "Why are you telling me now? It's not fair, hyung– I've cried several times because of you these past few months. Don't even think I'll believe what you're saying."

"And why would I be lying?"

"I don't know, maybe you don’t even feel comfortable and is just pressured to maintain a good climate in the group- are they pushing you to have a good climate in the group?!" he was horrified at the idea.

God, we are the same.

"We could get out," MinHo proposed, pulling out his cell phone to see his agenda. "We will be very busy the next few days, how about the eleven in the morning?"

"What?"

"Hm, November eleven? Aish, you can't in the morning because you have that Christmas record reunion," MinHo recalled. "Do you think at night?"

JiSung was quiet for a moment, still seeming not to understand what MinHo was referring to. For a moment, MinHo believed that JiSung's soul had stopped possessing him and left, but since he left so quickly, he quickly returned to raise his arm with the stuffed animal and hit MinHo again.

"Do you think I'm going out with you for the stupid Pepero Day?!" he exclaimed, hitting him between every word. "Get out of here!"

"That's a no?"

JiSung threw the stuffed animal over his head, and between pushing and insulting, MinHo ended up leaving the room.

All the boys were outside, quite expectant that the boy would tell what happened.

And, seeming to be a cause of happiness for MinHo, he laughed hard before raising his arms with victory.

"We have a date!" he declared.

"No, of course not!" shouted JiSung from inside.

MinHo felt jubilant to behave like a child in front of JiSung, because he could enjoy, in a good way, the advantages of romantic love.