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When Beomgyu first realised he was in love with his best friend, he sat for hours and stared at the wall. He thought up every single situation that could ruin his friendship with Yeonjun and wondered just how long it would be before he was brutally rejected. It had taken him long enough to come to terms with his own feelings so the idea of sudden heartbreak weighed heavy on his shoulders.
However, the next day when Yeonjun came over for their bi-weekly movie night, all of Beomgyu’s worries disappeared, even if just for a few hours. They sat together and laughed just like any other day and so Beomgyu convinced himself that maybe this whole ‘in love with your best friend’ thing might not be that bad. His friendship with Yeonjun was more important than his romantic feelings for him, so Beomgyu was willing to just ignore them.
Ignoring his feelings worked for a while. Especially when Yeonjun started getting involved with an ex boyfriend again. At first, it hurt Beomgyu’s feelings because why would Yeonjun go back to someone that had hurt him previously rather than look at him? But once he worked through those very confusing thoughts, Beomgyu felt quite alright.
He felt quite alright until suddenly Yeonjun didn't. Things had been going seemingly well with Soobin for a couple of months and it was almost like the original break up had never happened, but problems started to arise and Yeonjun didn't know who else to talk to.
Like he thought he should, Beomgyu would push down the silent joy into the pit of his stomach and hold Yeonjun’s hand through the pain. He’d hold him while he cried, and tell him that it was Soobin’s loss. How could Soobin let someone so good go? Yeonjun would smile and they’d stay the night together for some comfort, both feeling warm for very different reasons.
Yet, the next week, Soobin and Yeonjun got back together. Then they broke up again. Then Yeonjun got with some guy called Taehyun who was super cute, but apparently not quite Yeonjun’s ideal type. They broke up, and back to Soobin it was. Until they split again and Beomgyu was left in a mess of circles.
Yeonjun seemed over the moon one week and heartbroken the next, not being able to hold a romantic relationship together no matter how hard he tried. Beomgyu tried to reason that maybe it was Soobin that was the problem and not that Yeonjun was unlovable, but his words just fell on deaf ears.
This went on for months, and every single time something went wrong, Yeonjun would turn to Beomgyu for guidance. Of course, Beomgyu would never refuse, but it was becoming increasingly hard to save himself from the pain anymore. Holding hands for comfort turned into cuddles, nights slept in the same bed. Yeonjun got clingy and after the first time he kissed Beomgyu square on the mouth, the race had begun.
Whose heart was the weakest?
The first time Yeonjun kissed Beomgyu, Beomgyu had leapt away just as fast as Yeonjun had leaned in.
“What are you doing?” Beomgyu stood up and paced the room, heart racing so fast in his chest he was sure Yeonjun would be able to hear it. Yeonjun apologised and left immediately, but that didn't stop him from returning the next time.
The second time Yeonjun kissed Beomgyu, Beomgyu gave himself just three seconds before he pushed Yeonjun away, telling him that they couldn’t do this. Yeonjun was embarrassed, but that didn't stop him from asking why. He left once Beomgyu couldn’t give him an answer.
The third time Yeonjun kissed Beomgyu, Beomgyu let himself have it.
His heart was thumping and his hands were sweating because as much as he hated to admit it, this is what he’d wanted for the longest time. Yeonjun was kissing him so softly that he couldn’t help but feel like he was melting into the bedsheets. This time it was Yeonjun that pulled away, stunned, out of breath and not a single cohesive thought behind his eyes. He kissed Beomgyu again.
Beomgyu spent each and every time after that trying to justify it to himself that technically Yeonjun wasnt with anyone when they got together, or whatever else they ended up doing. One thing led to another, and Beomgyu figured that if Yeonjun was never going to love him back, he might as well lie to himself for just a little while.
A little while was all it was supposed to be. Beomgyu knew all he was to Yeonjun was a rebound and he’d come to accept it despite the painful ache it left in his heart. Yeonjun would come to him in a moment of vulnerability and Beomgyu would run away with his own selfish desires for just a little while until Yeonjun screwed his head back on and chased after the one he really wanted. Yeonjun wanted other people, and Beomgyu was nothing more than a momentary distraction until he got them. But after months of whatever this situation was, Beomgyu realised that he didn’t even know what was going on with Yeonjun and Soobin, or Taehyun or whoever else there was.
The longer they fooled around the worse Beomgyu’s feeling became. Now he knew what it was he had to lose, or rather, what he was missing out on. Beomgyu now knew what Soobin was blessed with, getting to have Yeonjun all to himself. When he asked Yeonjun about it, he instantly felt sick to his stomach.
“I haven't seen Soobin in months.”
“What?” Beomgyu was momentarily speechless, a hot flush rushing up his neck and into his face. “Then what am I for?”
“What do you mean?” Yeonjun pulled his shirt over his head and sat back down on the edge of the bed, seemingly thinking nothing of the situation.
“Why are you here? With me? What are we doing if Soobin hasn't been in the picture for so long?”
“Gyu, what are you talking about?”
Beomgyu had no words. He opened and closed his mouth over and over again, trying to find the right sentences to explain the way his stomach felt like it was about to explode.
“I thought we only did that stuff because you were sad about Soobin. I was just his replacement until things got fixed, right?” As soon as the words leave his mouth, he suddenly realises why his heart feels like it's about to physically split into two pieces. “I was just your rebound.”
Yeonjun thinks for a minute, not quite sure how to respond, but his words are not the ones Beomgyu wants to hear. “I mean, at first, yeah. I was sad and here you were. I thought you wanted this too, dude. You never seemed particularly opposed to the idea.”
Beomgyu can’t help but let out a burning chuckle, envy and hurt swimming behind his eyes.
“You are so fucking stupid, you know that?” Yeonjun is taken back, but he doesn’t respond. Beomgyu’s change of mood is alarming and he isn’t quite sure where it sprouted from. Just moments ago they were kissing and breathing into each other’s skin and now suddenly Beomgyu looks like he wants to be literally anywhere else as long as it is not with him.
Yeonjun’s silence is angering, and suddenly Beomgyu has no desire to watch his mouth.
“I’m in love with you, Yeonjun. Literally, seriously, head over heels in fucking love with you.”
Yeonjun shuts his mouth. He doesn’t even dare talk because honestly, he can’t tell if Beomgyu is going to burst into tears or punch him square on the nose. He also isn’t sure which one he prefers.
Beomgyu on the other hand wants nothing more than to be swallowed into the ground and disappear. He knows that he has just thrown away any chance of salvation he and Yeonjun had, but it wasn't fair for Yeonjun to have just been using him. This whole time, Yeonjun had just been using him.
The worst part? Beomgyu knew that. Beomgyu knew right from the very start that all of this was just a little game, a cat and mouse chase while Yeonjun waited for better things. And still he let himself fall, deeper and deeper and deeper until he hit the bottom.
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Because you never even gave me a chance, Yeonjun! You never once made me feel like it was a possibility that I could ever replace someone like Soobin! Back and forth with him and every single time I was there to pick up the pieces and still I was nothing more to you.”
He keeps going, and eventually the tears start flowing, sobs raking through his chest.
“I waited for so long. And call me selfish for going along with it at the start, but the first time you kissed me was the first glimpse of hope I had. I had nothing to lose. You gave me what I wanted and I took it.” Beomgyu knew how wrong it was. He knew he never should have gotten involved in the first place. He knew this was his own fault but now it was too late and he wasn’t sure it could ever be fixed.
Yeonjun says nothing for a while. He can’t even look at Beomgyu but he sure feels the ugly clawing inside his bones. He tries apologising but he knows it won’t help. Yeonjun feels confused and conflicted but it’s nothing compared to the pain in Beomgyu’s heart.
“I need you to let me go now. Please, don’t make this harder than it needs to be for me.”
Yeonjun feels guilt seep through his blood. He knows that he never should have made the first move and he definitely knows he shouldn't have gone any further, let alone take what he was being given for granted. Soobin was long gone, and Beomgyu didn’t seem far behind.
“I’m still your best friend, Gyu. Above all else.”
“Please, Yeonjun. Don’t be there when I need you.”