Chapter Text
“Inumaki.”
Toge promptly melts inside.
Outside, he just shoots a glance at Yuuta. Okkotsu Yuuta with a lopsided, shy smile. “Salmon?”
“Can we call it a day and go to the beach?”
A weekend mission with Yuuta is not bad. Not bad at all, especially when the location is a popular beach site of Japan. In summer. Said beach is now devoid of curses thanks to six hours of their labor. The cerulean waves gently crash against the shore, however, unperturbed by the ebbs and flows of human activity, looking almost too beautiful to be real, something beautiful from a postcard, not from the mission of two ordinary jujutsu sorcerers. Toge agrees to the beach idea before he could even think about it.
Two seconds later, the tip of Toge’s nose crawls deeper into the depths of his collar’s material. Yuuta is drenched in sweat and Toge’s throat feels like the Gobi Desert. No need to push themselves, it is better to reconvene tomorrow. But—
“What’s wrong, Inumaki?” Yuuta asks. He is so earnest and gentle that Toge could lose his mind.
Honestly. No one prepared Toge for feeling so soft inside just because Yuuta showed him this attentive kindness. He swallows and mumbles something about caviar to communicate that Yuuta is welcome to enjoy beach, but Yuuta is too keen, too smart. “You’re worried about your seals, huh?”
Toge’s eyes dart towards the sea, avoiding Yuuta’s gaze. No one, other than Toge, should have to deal with the challenges of his cursed speech. Shame turns his guts into knots, the familiar embarrassment about the inconveniences of his cursed technique. Indeed, this is an Inumaki thing, something for him to bear alone, he would never burden anyone with it, especially not—
—Yuuta grabs his hand.
Okkotsu Yuuta grabs his hand.
Their eyes lock and Toge wants to free his nose from his collar because he is breathless from Yuuta, breathless from the proximity.
“Come on.”
“Bonito flakes?” he protests, but Yuuta begins to march in front of him, holding Toge’s hand with unusual strength. It vaguely reminds Toge of Maki’s stubbornness, though Yuuta is still much gentler than her.
“I’ve seen a spot, okay?” Yuuta explains without decreasing his hasty, hurried pace. Toge follows along as if under a spell. “A deserted one. So you can remove your scarf.”
Toge manages to choke out a ‘salmon’ to consent to Yuuta’s plan. He keeps his face carefully impassive, focusing solely on following Yuuta on the sandy, rocky path. One foot in front of the other foot. No need to think too much about Yuuta’s kindness, lest he explode.
“Cod roe,” he interrupts Yuuta’s determined pace. Yuuta looks at him – blue eyes, but darker blue than the azure of the ocean, more like deep sea, the kind that hides whales and meets thunder clouds. Toge jerks his gaze away and clumsily gestures at an abandoned stand, abundant with souvenirs and beach items.
“Oh... that’s right, we don’t have anything to wear,” Yuuta understands him. Toge gives a sly grin in return, half-hidden by his scarf.
They loot the stand without much guilt. Yuuta finds a dark blue swim trunk that looks quite civilized; Toge finds one decorated with sharks that is perhaps one size too small for him.
(There was another one he could’ve taken, but Yuuta found the sharks cute, so Toge goes with that one.)
After this detour, they arrive to the spot Yuuta had in mind. They exorcised curses in this area this morning which explains why Yuuta thought of this place, why he remembered it – and indeed it is quite deserted. The seashore is slightly rockier than what is comfortable because there is a headland nearby, but there is vegetation that creates a sense of wilderness and privacy, allowing Toge to remove the scarf.
The wind is fragrant with salt as he breathes in, eyes closed in the brightness of the sunlit water.
“I’ll go change,” he hears Yuuta and he nods, pensively, eyes still closed, ears attuned to the seagulls, the water slowly eating cliffs, one crash at a time.
One tiny part of his hearing keeps track of Yuuta’s movements, so he is not surprised at all when Yuuta places one hand upon his shoulder. Toge turns his head and smiles at him.
Thank you, he gestures.
“Oh come on, Inumaki,” Yuuta responds with sincerity. His laughter is awkward but his blush is endearing all the same. “You’ve always been so much more attentive to me. I’d just like to make you happy, too.”
Toge has to look down, at the pebbles sparkling against his sneakers, because Yuuta’s kindness is unbearable. Toge is not used to being in the center of someone’s attention, especially when Yuuta’s attention is laser-sharp – but it’s not uncomfortable, to be with Yuuta. It’s… really pleasant. It is, in fact, so very good that Toge wishes this could be a date.
His mood drops as he reminds himself of Rika.
Yuuta’s heart is not his, and Toge isn’t ready to compete with anyone, let alone a special grade vengeful cursed spirit.
He goes to change instead.
The little sharks are really cute. The best part is that Yuuta looks at them, and Toge gets goosebumps from the goddamn male attention. It is quite awful, crushing this hard on Yuuta, but Toge smirks at him, throws a “cod roe” at him to invite Yuuta to catch him, and sprints towards the sea.
“Inumaki, wait!” Yuuta shouts, but Toge is already underwater. The waves wash through his hair, cooling off his scalp. Toge is an excellent swimmer, it takes him just a stroke or two to be a good fifty meters from the shore, and instead of waiting, he simply chooses to giggle at Yuuta from the distance. The sea is clear turquoise, glistening upon Yuuta’s slightly tanned skin, and Toge throws his head back, laughing delightedly, while Yuuta takes his time trying to get used to the slightly cool temperature of the water in front of him.
“It’s kinda cold, you know,” Yuuta says with a slight whine in his voice. Toge raises an eyebrow and does a somersault in the water to demonstrate how pleasant it is.
I know, he signs as an afterthought. Because his friend is still new to sign language, Toge makes sure he uses simple phrases only. He doesn’t want to discourage Yuuta.
“Okay, fine,” Yuuta huffs. He braces himself, then throws himself in the water. Toge tries not to stare, but the sight is overwhelming. The droplets of water on Yuuta’s face, his dark locks sticking to his face when he finally catches up, his reddened cheeks.
Yuuta spits into the water.
“It’s salty,” he whines some more, rubbing his eyes.
Toge points a finger at Yuuta’s chest. You are, he signs.
They swim, then, Yuuta is more careful than skilled as he tries to keep his head mostly above the water, while Toge dances around him, swimming under him like a dolphin, surprising his friend with unexpected appearances when his head breaks the surface of the sea at spots where Yuuta didn’t quite expect it. The Inumaki clan’s headquarters had a tiny bit of private seashore which is where Toge learned to swim. It is unsurprising that Yuuta did not have this kind of privilege in his childhood.
You’re good, Toge signs when they slow down a bit, just allowing the waves to carry them and only using their legs to stay afloat.
“Haha, I was just thinking the same about you,” Yuuta responds sheepishly. “That you’re terrific. At swimming, I mean,” he adds with a blush.
Toge smirks at him, hoping to suppress the warmth in his tummy. With a couple ingredients, he informs Yuuta that he learned how to swim before he could even talk.
Yuuta soaks up the information with so much interest as if Toge just shared the alchemic guide to creating gold.
“I’ve never really been super sporty. Not before coming here, anyway,” he adds shyly. Toge tilts his head at him, then flicks Yuuta’s shoulder. His increasingly toned shoulder. Yuuta’s body is in an odd situation right now, halfway between building up muscles on bones that wore scrawny flesh throughout Yuuta’s life. His chest is still thin while his legs have grown athletic and strong. For someone purely interested in beauty standards, Yuuta would look disproportionate or unbalanced in his current physical state. For Toge, however, Yuuta is breathtaking, because he knows the history that comes with Yuuta’s appearance, the amount of training behind him, and the growth, both physical and mental, that Yuuta performed right in front of his eyes.
Compared to Maki, no one is sporty, he signs, slowly and helpfully.
Yet, somehow, Yuuta has a hard time picking up this simple sentence. Toge narrows his eyes at him in confusion.
He repeats the gestures and watches Yuuta to figure out just when his friend gets stuck.
Then it hits.
For sign language, the use of the face and mouth are essential. Toge could never fluently use sign language with his face hidden – hence the onigiri ingredients. The first time he could reveal his face openly was when he was already at Jujutsu High, but by that time Toge was too used to hiding, too used to being restricted to a painfully limited vocabulary. It didn’t even occur to him that he could use sign language with his classmates if they learned it.
Not until Yuuta offered.
Here, in this sentence, Toge uses his mouth extensively to convey Maki’s name, and Yuuta stares, mesmerized, with a hungry expression. An expression that is entirely unfit for someone who simply wants to understand sign language.
Toge swallows.
Yuuta is watching him. Yuuta is looking at him.
For a second, Toge’s eyes flutter downwards, looking at the liquid blueness they swim in. Then Yuuta reaches out, shaking fingers approaching Toge’s cheeks.
Toge shivers in anticipation – but Yuuta pulls back.
“Sorry,” he apologizes with a nervous laughter. “I just… don’t often get to see the seals from up close. Sorry. I’m staring. It was uncalled for—”
“Salmon,” Toge interrupts and pushes his face closer, inviting Yuuta to look. It is embarrassing, of course, because he wishes Yuuta looked at him for him, and not for his cursed technique, but Toge’s fluttering, stupid heart will take what he can get.
He can tell that Yuuta is intrigued, but then…
“This is awkward for you,” Yuuta says, shaking his head. “I’m sorry, Inumaki. I don’t know what I was thinking. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
Toge could tear up at the amount of apologetic tenderness in Yuuta’s voice.
He wants to nuzzle against his chest and tell him just how much he likes him. Explain to Yuuta that he has a mental list of movies he wants to watch with Yuuta; that he thinks of Yuuta before falling asleep, that he daydreams about him while showering. He could make it clear that Yuuta is welcome to touch him anywhere he wants.
But Toge would never scare Yuuta with his own feelings. He wouldn’t force Yuuta to go through the awkwardness of having to reject Toge, telling him that he is only interested in girls. Rika, specifically, but girls in general.
It hurts.
It hurts to know he would never be right for Yuuta. And it’s not even Yuuta’s fault. Yuuta can’t help it if he likes girls.
Yuuta’s increasingly nervous face urges Toge to pull himself together.
“Bonito flakes,” he responds weakly. You don’t make me uncomfortable. To prove his point, he sticks out his tongue to show the third part of the seal, the one usually hidden, to Yuuta.
Yuuta’s eyes are glued to his mouth, now, and Toge watches his face go red again, all the way to the tip of his ears. Yuuta looks so good with a blush. Silly, sure, but there is something lively about the redness of his cheeks.
“Have they… have they always been there?” Yuuta asks, voice halfway between his normal intonation and a strange, husky whisper that Toge isn’t used to hearing.
“Salmon,” Toge confirms, withdrawing his tongue and licking his lips in the process. He wonders why Yuuta watched this movement so intently, like a predator on a hunt.
“They look very cool, Inumaki.” Then, after a pause, Yuuta adds with that crooked little smile of his, “It’s really too bad that you have to hide them.”
You like to see my face? Toge signs with a tiny smirk.
It is not a good thing to flirt with someone who is probably uninterested, but he can’t help it. Can’t help either the innocent longing or the adolescent thirst for kissing. He is too drawn to Yuuta; his wide blue eyes, his considerate compassion.
The worst is that Toge’s little play is rewarded with a languid, comfortable Yuuta smile. This is Toge’s favorite kind of Yuuta smile – if he needed to rate them.
“Yes,” Yuuta declares. “I do, Inumaki.”
Because Toge doesn’t know how to respond and he is entirely sure that his pining face is getting too obvious, he simply shoves Yuuta in the shoulder, and with that, the seeking, uncertain undertone of their interaction passes. They continue swimming, commenting on the beauty of the scenic view, laughing at Toge’s agility in the water.
It is so comfortable and warm like this. Toge is terrified of losing this rapport with Yuuta.
He wishes the flickering desire in his guts got this memo about not making a move on Yuuta, but apparently, his body is adamant about being absolutely whipped for his friend. Toge pointedly does not stare at Yuuta as he walks out of the sea, rivulets of water running down on his skin. Not that Toge would know, because he didn’t look.
They rest on the shore after their swimming session, basking in the warm rays of the sun, flat on their backs. Toge continues to sneak glances at Yuuta who seems relaxed, sleepy even.
“Caviar?” Toge asks quietly, curiously. Can I ask you about Rika?
“Hmm?” Yuuta looks at him from the corner of his eyes. His expression is open, easy. “Sure, of course.”
It’s so easy to talk to him, Toge thinks. He looks at the horizon in front of them as he ponders what signs to use so the beginner Yuuta can easily follow. The reflection of the sun upon the clear waves burns his retina but he welcomes the distraction. The desire to reach out and caress Yuuta’s right cheek—very lightly, just with the tip of his fingers, just to see if Yuuta would lean in—is extremely intrusive.
Are you still engaged to her? Or what’s the deal with that? He signs carefully, making sure his gestures aren’t sloppy so Yuuta can understand even now, in this laying-next-to-each-other situation.
“Well, engagement is a strong word,” Yuuta squints at the bright blue sky pensively. “We accepted that night that we are not going to be married, you see. But the promise is still there. We’ll always be together. Her strength lingers with me even now when she finally rests in peace. Not sure if it makes sense.”
Toge is silent which Yuuta, predictably, takes to mean as an encouragement to continue.
“I suppose I’m a package deal,” he laughs nervously. “I’ll always have her memory around; in a sense, I’ll always have her around. But, romantically or whatever, it’s over, you know? Because the essence of Orimoto Rika passed away.”
“Cod roe?” Toge probes. Are you still in mourning? He uses onigiri ingredients because he suspects Yuuta wouldn’t know the sign for mourning.
“No. You were there, Inumaki. We said goodbye in peace. She let me go; I let her go.”
Yuuta turns his head towards him, eyeing Toge. “Why do you ask?”
In moments like this, Toge wishes to have his collar – his armor – around his face to hide behind. He avoids looking at Yuuta so that the joke he is about to crack can be as convincing as possible.
“Tuna mayo.” I was wondering if Rika would try to murder anyone who is interested in you like that.
Yuuta laughs out loud, the sound is delightful and sweet. Toge wonders if it means his crush has been caught.
“No,” Yuuta smiles. “Rika would never hurt anyone out of jealousy or anything like that. Besides, it’s not like anyone likes me like that, Inumaki. You don’t have to worry about Rika going rampant.”
I like you. I like you so much, Okkotsu Yuuta.
Out loud, however, he simply chuckles without making a sound, a socially expected response to what he knows Yuuta intended to be a joke.
Does Yuuta really not know how much he means to Toge?
Should Yuuta know? Should Toge say something?
Toge has no idea. The conversation leaves him even more confused than before.
Do you like anyone, Yuuta? Like that?
For now, Toge is too scared to ask.
“Is there someone you like…?”
It is Yuuta who breaks the silence and a laughter tickles Toge’s throat. Not because they talk and gossip like high schoolers which is both age appropriate and absurd. He needs to laugh because it is amusing that their thoughts are so aligned, so in sync. Except, of course, that Toge was too shy to address the topic.
“Sorry,” Yuuta apologizes immediately, in response to Toge’s half-choked giggle. “It’s a stupid question, and… you don’t have to answer.”
Toge tilts his head on the rocky surface so he can look at Yuuta instead. Yuuta’s endearing face can blind him more effectively than the sun or the bright sky ever could, anyway.
Despite the mischievous grins or the attempts to insert himself into conversations even with the particularities of his cursed technique, Inumaki Toge isn’t very experienced when it comes to friends and relationships.
One thing he does know; that he likes other boys.
It has always been as obvious to him as it is obvious to reach for a glass of water when one is thirsty. Thinking about boys has been natural and ordinary, and when his teenage years knocked on the door of his life – more precisely, his teenage years ripped said door in half and marched inside – Toge’s thoughts continued to star males of various ages. Nothing remarkable here, Toge presumes. Homosexuality is a thing.
He is not entirely sure how to tell this to someone else. Especially when this someone happens to be the crush that keeps him awake at night. But Yuuta is visibly nervous about his silence, so Toge supposes this moment is as good as any.
I like boys, he signs, his movements less pronounced, as if he were inclined to hide his hands because sharing this is so personal. I don’t know how to talk about it. It was hard with my family.
That’s an understatement, but Toge cannot afford nuances when he uses sign language with a beginner.
“Oh… I’m sorry, Inumaki. About your family, I mean,” Yuuta adds with a slight panic. “Not about you being gay! That is very good, actually. I mean,” he coughs awkwardly, and Toge is having the time of his life watching Yuuta squirm, “it’s very good that you trust me, I mean. If you do? For sharing? It feels like a trusting thing to share this, you know, but I don’t wanna assume of course—”
Toge pokes him in the shoulder to interrupt. He can’t bear to watch Yuuta suffer too much.
“Cod roe,” he says gently, not bothering to convey anything with the ingredient. Yuuta’s face blushes to a furious, vivid red. On anyone else, it would almost look unattractive; it is not a handsome blush. But Toge finds that being smitten with Yuuta overwrites traditional beauty conventions.
Okkotsu Yuuta is the only beauty convention these days. Anything he does is beautiful by default.
“Sorry for being awkward,” Yuuta rubs his nose with one hand. “I just don’t like the idea of your family being hostile to you. You know that.”
That’s sweet of you, Toge signs, because he knows that, but Yuuta’s attitude does not fail to warm his heart anyway. They’re not horrible about it… and it’s okay here at the school.
Yuuta’s gaze is dark, “They’re more horrible about the cursed technique, aren’t they.”
Toge waves his hands against the dazzling sky in a non-committal fashion. His family is strange. They appreciate some manifestations of cursed speech, but the most powerful kind – the one Toge’s got, the type that can tear curses apart but needs to be hidden behind onigiri ingredients – is considered dangerous and unwanted. For a reason, Toge supposes, when he thinks about all the accidents until he closed his lips for good.
Yuuta’s fingers brush against Toge’s elbow. Toge swallows, his heart is doing the funny flips in response to Yuuta’s touch.
“You’re kind, Inumaki,” Yuuta murmurs. “I’ll keep saying it. As many times as you need to hear it. You’re so kind.”
Come on now, Toge signs, but his movements are slow and somehow tender as he moves his hands and fingers with hesitation and a timid smile.
“I know you had a hard time. I know you want to dismiss it when you don’t share it, I know that this is your thing, your coping mechanism or whatever, and I respect it. But I know it was hard and… you didn’t deserve that, Inumaki. You’re so kind, so nice, so…” Yuuta huffs out a breath and Toge desperately wants to hear the words Yuuta withheld. His stomach curls around his spine in excitement. The way Yuuta speaks is soft and so fond… Toge needs to remind himself that Yuuta is just being kind—it’s just kindness, it’s just Okkotsu’s special flavor of tenderness, it’s nothing else, there is no need to be so excited—but his heart leaps in joy all the same.
Say anything you want, he signs and his eyes go thin with a big, impish grin. It’s very entertaining.
As expected, Yuuta grows self-conscious, and the way he looks at Toge from underneath his dark eyelashes as he lowers his gaze drives Toge crazy.
If only Yuuta mentioned anything about his own interest in boys. One would think he would have if he had any, but he did not. There is a very tangible, very uncomfortable sense of sadness that makes Toge’s ribcage feel too tight, but jujutsu sorcerers aren’t novices when it comes to dismissing mental distress – such thoughts in battle can cost your life – so Toge pushes the dark vines of misery out of his body and mind, focusing instead on just how nice it is to be with Yuuta at all. Later, when he is alone in his room, Toge might even cry a little, and he might enter how to get over your crush into his search engine of choice, but right now he just looks at Yuuta, drinks in the sight of his blush, his messy, wet hair, his bottom lip that he chews on.
Yuuta seems embarrassed, so Toge – not trusting himself to touch Yuuta – chooses to gently kick Yuuta’s ankle to snap him out of it. When Yuuta’s eyes fly to meet his, Toge signs thank you.
Yuuta mumbles, “For what?”
Hanging out. This entire afternoon – it was your idea. ‘You’re so kind’. Toge uses his fingers to count the good deeds of Yuuta, feeling warm and fuzzy inside as Yuuta’s smile widens with each item on the list. “Tuna mayo,” he adds out loud to emphasize the thank you bit of his point.
“We could do it again,” Yuuta ventures, clearly hesitant. “If you wanted. We could come here sometime like this. Just without the curses, I mean. Just…” he clears his throat, “just you and me.”
Toge raises an eyebrow. He lifts his hands to sign ‘like a date?’ but then he drops them back on his tummy.
The fear of hearing Yuuta say no is stronger than the desire to have him call it a date.
Toge hates himself for being so afraid.
“Salmon, salmon,” he agrees eagerly instead and tries not to think too much into the visible relief and the excited grin on Yuuta’s young face.
“It’s a deal then.”
Toge closes his eyes.
Overcoming his crush on Yuuta will be very, very hard.