Chapter Text
Attraction and its rules
There are rules to attraction and Isaki knows them well. She knows that she isn’t supposed to call her ex when things get too hard (she's made that mistake once before). She knows that most people’s idea of romantic loyalty is centred around her loyalty to them alone, and that she doesn’t need to reveal the sordid details of who she’s been with, and how to the rest of the world. All of these rules feel archaic, virginal and entirely unpleasant; none of which sits well with Isaki but she still plays by the rules. Playing by the rules affords her a luxury flat in one of the most expensive areas in town, compliance to them lets her keep Chika fed and shows her father, Gen, that he was wrong to dismiss her all those years ago.
Gen taught her much about life, albeit imperfectly. However, her relationship with Gen has always been somewhat complicated, turbulent and unhappy. She acknowledges that while he may not be the best father to her, he has rectified his mistakes with his children through Chika. Chika is the sunshine personified. Chika deserves better than her brother; and Isaki promised herself that she would not resent her father for providing her nephew with better understanding and empathy than he ever did his own children.
Isaki was never really interested in Chika apart from the occasional, distant, visit. Chika was her brother’s child and, growing up, she and her brother firmly stayed on their own sides of the table, their orbits never touching each other. She knew that the distance between them would carry on into their adulthood; that they would continue being siblings that cared from afar about each other, even if they couldn’t stand the others presence. There was no warmth surrounding Christmas celebrations in their household. Gen did not believe in warm fried chicken or fresh cream and strawberry cake. It was no surprise that when both Kudo siblings turned old enough to celebrate Christmas outside the koto workshop, they filled that space with other people; mostly lovers and partners who they kissed and left in the early hours of the morning. Gen said little during those adolescent years, and Isaki can’t help but resent him for not holding either her or her brother closer to him.
She isn’t surprised when Gen swoops in to save Chika. She is surprised when Gen leaves during the Christmas season. It hurts even more when she realises that Gen has taken Chika into his home and then promptly decides to die... leaving Chika with her. She wonders, during those cold winter months, as Chika uncomfortably settles into her one-bedroom flat, if Gen really did know what he was doing with her nephew's childhood.
Chika comes to her hurt, trying to figure out high school and Isaki has no idea how to parent a teenager while trying to climb the corporate ladder. If she is being fair, she has no idea how to do much of anything outside of her profession. She is barely holding it together and she seems to be moving like a puppet attached to the strings of her responsibilities.
So she blames it on the alcohol when she sends the Christmas Eve message to Isaki and Suzuka. To stay at the office party any longer feels wrong. It feels just as wrong to want to leave. Her co-workers are not her friends, she knows this, but there is no one else who will have her (even if there are people with who she would rather be spending her Christmas Eve with). Maybe that's why she keeps her cards close, she shuts her mouth and accepts the work invitation, although she would rather be anywhere in the world but here. It is pathetic, she is hiding behind her work, drinking away Christmas Eve, pretending that she can keep up and that she wants the next promotion. She is burned out from wanting this form of success for herself and the Christmas lights sprinkled around the room seem to mock her of this.
It is freeing in that sense to be around Akira and Suzuka. Suzuka doesn't worry about money and Akira is focused on building a koto legacy worthy of the history books. They are both frivolous in ways Isaki cannot be. And, in some weird twist of fate, they have become her closest friends and confidants over the last month. She meets them for coffee when she isn't working weekends and marvels at how they seem to move forward even after personal setbacks. Akira is brave, much braver than Isaki was at her age, and Takinami is surprisingly less put-together than his exterior suggests. They tease her, almost gently, for her shortcomings and still have the patience to sit through her objectively terrible cooking. To Isaki, that must mean they think of her as someone special, right?
Isaki shuts down the intrusive thoughts that whisper she is testing them. She is greedy, but that greed has always been directed at nameless shadows taken to love hotels. She tries to convince herself that she is not fallible, that sending barely coherent drunken texts is not an obvious plea for love and affection.
Akira picks her up almost immediately, ten minutes after Isaki has hit 'send' on her text. Akira nods politely to the drunk office crowd and wraps her hands around Isaki’s shoulders and marching her towards the car. Suzuka does all the polite goodbyes Isaki is truly not sober enough not to do at the moment. She will have to explain herself to her supervisor in the morning, but that is tomorrow morning's issue. She sobers up slightly, as the winter cold nips at her fingers and face, she has forgotten her gloves and scarf at her desk, in the office. Akira hums a Christmas song playing on the radio, the car heater is on, and Suzuka absentmindedly pipes in when she hums off-key. It is warm (and if she closes her eyes, Isaki can pretend this is meant to be romantic). It does feel like it, after all they did brave the cold for her and the gently falling snow does nothing to dissuade Isaki of her built-up notions and fantasies of this pickup.
Somehow, Isaki finds herself on her couch with a dainty cup of Akira’s perfect brewed tea in hand and watching the Christmas lights through her window. The light display on the street below has couples milling around it aimlessly. Isaki wonders if maybe Akira and Suzuka would be tempted to walk around, admiring the lights with her, on Christmas Eve next year. Suzuka is already lecturing her about alcohol limits and responsible drinking as if she is one of his students and she throws him a grin, nodding along when he takes a minute to breathe. Akira is already snuggled next to her, watching a Hallmark Holiday movie on mute, her eyes glassing over as she follows the subtitles on the screen. This feels like love, the romantic kind and Isaki has to bite her lip to stop herself from blurting it out.
“I love you two,” she whispers into her tea. Maybe she’ll be braver about her love tomorrow. Maybe the gods above will grant her a Christmas miracle.