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It was hard, at first. Not that that should have been surprising. It wasn't like Canada hadn't been trying to kill him the entire time he'd been there. Okay, so maybe it had cushioned his fall from the plane. But then he'd been trapped, and almost died. And later almost died again, though Fraser kept denying how close it had been. Something, some voice (no, literally, he remembered hearing a voice, and Fraser arguing with it), told him Fraser was deluding himself on that one.
But they'd made it through, and Ray, he knew. One look at Benton Fraser here in his element, home, and Ray knew he was going to lose him to Canada. And that was not something Ray was prepared to let happen. So he looked out over the terrain, the endless white of the snow on the ground. He thought long and hard on what he was or was not willing to do to keep the partnership. To stay with the best thing that had happened to him since the early years, the good years, with Stella. The comparison, once he saw it, hit him like a Mack truck. If he was equating Stella and Fraser, he had some real thinking to do. But it made the decision of stay or go an easy one. Staying meant he'd have time both to think and to see if what he might be feeling was real.
It just kind of sucked that he'd have to do it surrounded by snow. But on the other hand, if he still thought he had feelings for Fraser after spending time here in freezerland, it would pretty much guarantee they were the real deal.
Apijuq is covered with snow
“I don’t know, Fraser. I mean, the dogs and I get along and all, but that doesn’t mean I can unhitch them.”
“You’ve watched me do this several times. And you were paying attention, weren’t you?” At Ray’s nod, he went on. “And you did tell me you felt like you weren’t pulling your weight.”
“Yeah,” Ray grudgingly replied.
“Well, then there you go. I’ll start on the fire. Just let me know if you need any assistance. But I’m sure you’ll be fine.”
“I’m glad one of us is sure,” Ray muttered as he watched Fraser walk off, leaving Ray to the team. He sighed deeply, shaking his head as he crouched down to unhook Dief from the sled.
“What do you think, Dief, do I have a chance? Of making it up here,” he backpedaled, not that he hadn’t meant a chance with Fraser as much as anything. He didn’t need a busybody mutt sticking his cold, wet nose into things.
Dief cocked his head, whuffed once and leaned into Ray. “Thanks for the vote of confidence,” he said, smiling as he ruffled Dief’s fur.
Dief whuffed again as Ray finished taking off Dief’s harness, at which point he barked right in Ray’s face and shoved him aside. The rest of the dogs started barking as Dief ran circles around them.
“Argh! Fraser! Call off your team, willya? And Dief, you and me are having words about this later. Don't you think we aren't.”
Dief bounded away. Ray was sure he was laughing. He was equally sure Fraser was too, even if it was only on the inside. To be fair, if things had been reversed, Ray wouldn't be so nice as to hide his glee.
“Diefenbaker, really. You're setting a bad example for the rest of the team,” Fraser chided, though it was impossible not to hear the amusement in his voice. He was sure even a deaf half-wolf could hear it just fine.
Ray pretended to ignore them as he got up and tried to brush off the snow he was now covered in, thanks to a mischievous half-wolf. The leads for the rest of the team were a tangled mess, a state not improved by getting dropped into the snow when Ray fell. After another minute or so of making things worse, he cut a glance over to Fraser. “So is this another one of your learn by doing things? Because if it is, I'm pretty sure the dogs are going to have to go through life tied together.”
Fraser walked over, hand outstretched, and Ray was more than happy to hand things over. Before he could stalk off to stomp around and let off some steam, Fraser stopped him with a light touch on his arm. “It's really not that bad. Let me show you?”
Ray looked from Fraser's hopeful face to the anxious team of sled dogs, blew out a breath and nodded. He could learn this stuff.
Patukun covered in frosty sparkling snow
“Ray, are you done with the tent?”
Ray shot him a look from where he was half-buried in canvas. "You really asking me that?"
“Oh dear.”
But Ray saw the hint of a smile on Fraser's face, and wasn't buying any bit of contriteness, not for a second. "You gonna give me a hand here? 'Cause I'm thinking I just need to roll around a little and I'll be a Ray burrito, all cozy and dry and warm. Or you could help and we could use the tent the way it was intended. Either way works for me."
Fraser raised an eyebrow at that, but moved to help, setting stakes into the ice with practiced ease, while Ray did his best to copy the moves, and then tie down the tent despite fingers that weren't sure they ever wanted to move again. Job done, he fell back on his ass with a big breath. "Okay, well, better than yesterday, so that's something, right?"
Fraser eyed the tent, then nodded. "You're making fine progress, Ray. Perhaps you're not allergic to Canadian nature."
“Maybe not," Ray said, running a hand back and forth through the powdery snow. The sunlight made it look like tiny diamonds. "Doesn't mean it isn't out to get me.”
"Of course, Ray," Fraser agreed all too easily. But being humored was better than being argued with, especially when there was nowhere to go to metaphorically cool off. So Ray let it slide.
“Want me to feed the mutts, or try to find wood?”
“Which would you prefer?”
Ray looked out at the sparse landscape surrounding them. "Why not both? Together, I mean. If you really think I'm getting the ropes of, well, ropes, then it sounds like it's time this old dog learned a new trick."
Fraser's smile widened, warm and pleased and Ray felt something inside warm up in response. He was glad, not for the first time on the journey, that the cold and wind had already pinked his cheeks enough you couldn't tell when he was blushing.
Qanniq snow falling
“It's going to snow tonight,” Fraser announced, an eye to the sky. “We need to make sure to cover everything and mark it.”
"If there's one thing this place doesn't need, it's more snow," Ray half-grumbled as he moved to start helping Fraser.
“I disagree. A fresh layer of snow will make tracking game easier.”
“Well, that’s something, I guess.” A full body shiver ran through him as a bit of wind made it through his scarf and onto his neck. He reached up to try and adjust it. “Why'd I think it would be warmer once we got going?”
“I have no idea, Ray. Why would you think that?”
Ray resisted the urge to chuck snow at Fraser’s head. The mental image was a good one, though. “Isn't there a thing where if it's too cold, it can't snow? Because I definitely remember hearing something like that somewhere.”
“That's a myth. It can never be too cold for snow, so long as there's moisture in the air.”
“Ugh. Leave me my illusions, Fraser.”
“Understood, Ray.” Ray didn't have to look to know Fraser was smirking. “Of course, the fact that there will be snow does mean it will feel a bit warmer.”
Ray shot Fraser a look. “Snow will make things warmer,” he said flatly. “Did you not just say that snow and cold were a thing, like peanut butter and chocolate?”
“I have no idea how those could be related. But snow means clouds, and cloud cover means warmth, relatively speaking. They help trap the heat, keep it from escaping into the atmosphere.”
“So the phrase ‘a blanket of clouds’ is really a literal thing?”
“Yes, I suppose it is.”
“Well, good for the earth, but I’m not giving up my sleeping bag just because Nature’s provided a blanket.”
Pihuktuq snowdrift formed by the wind
After days of unrelentingly flat terrain, the change in the landscape ahead perked Ray right up, especially when he realized what it had to be.
“Fraser, look! Those waves ahead – that means we're close, right?”
Fraser cast his gaze in the direction Ray was pointing, brow furrowed. It cleared quickly, and he shook his head. “Sorry, Ray, those aren't waves.”
Ray peered out at the sight in front of him, rises and crests in the distance that couldn't be anything but the ocean, right?
“It's snow, Ray,” Fraser said, answering Ray’s unspoken question. “The winds have created those drifts. From this distance I can see how they'd be mistaken, especially without your glasses.”
Ray ignored that last part, given that wearing his glasses in this cold just fogged them up and made things immediately worse and Fraser freaking knew it. He narrowed his eyes and after watching the snow ahead of them most definitely not move like water, had to concede that Fraser was right.
“Well, they're still pretty cool looking, at least from here.”
“They're even more interesting up close, though not too close. They aren't always the most stable of structures. But if you want to get a better look, we can make a slight detour.”
“Yeah?”
Fraser raised an eyebrow. “Unless you're in a hurry to get somewhere else.”
Ray grinned at the challenge in Fraser's teasing tone. “Nope. You got me for the indefinite future, buddy. Lead on to the snow drifts.”
Which for the record? Were worth getting excited about, just for different reasons that he'd originally thought.
Hiku ice on a pond/lake/ocean
If he were being honest, Ray never expected to make it anywhere near the Beaufort Sea. Not because it was impossible, just. He figured something would make them turn back before they got to any ocean shore. Maybe Ray would get sick, maybe their supplies would run out too fast. Maybe Fraser would find evidence of an ice smuggling ring he had to track down. It could have been anything. But here they were, the solid packed snow giving way to an icy slush that wanted to seep right through Ray's clothes and settle in his bones. Chunks of dirty ice broke the smooth landscape he'd grown used to without even realizing it. It was cold here in a way he hadn't felt on the trip up until now, and if you'd asked him before today if he could get any colder, he'd have laughed. Now, though, he missed the dry wind whipping past his face as they'd sledded along, or the bite of the air between the warmth of the fire and their tent.
"I can see why Franklin never made it," Ray commented as they looked out toward the icy water.
Fraser just nodded.
“I'm glad we did.” When Fraser remained quiet, Ray gave him a sidelong glance. “What? I thought you'd be happy.”
“Oh, I am, Ray. This is the culmination of a great undertaking.”
The words were right, but there was something in Fraser's tone, like he was almost disappointed. “Not what you expected to see?” he guessed. “Underwhelming, maybe?”
“I had no specific expectations, other than us getting here safely. Which we have.” He was silent a few moments more, then clapped his hands together. “Up for a bit of exploring?”
Ray took the offer like a lifeline. Because honestly? He wasn't feeling the sense of accomplishment he thought he would when they got here, far-reaching hand or no. He felt off-kilter, and having Fraser look like he felt the same didn't help. He needed some space to figure out just why he felt more disappointed than victorious.
And maybe a fire, though he wasn't sure it would touch the cold he'd started to feel.
mingulilaqijuq blowing powdery snow
Ray stopped in his tracks at the crest of the hill, stunned by the sight in front of him. Clouds, so many clouds and so low in the sky they seemed to touch the snow-covered ground, with flakes of powdery snow gently drifting up to meet them. The effect was something Ray couldn't find the words for. It was like if they moved forward they’d be literally walking in the sky.
“Did we die, Fraser?” he asked, voice hushed. “Did we freeze to death without me noticing? Because I’m pretty sure if we walk a little farther we’re gonna hit the Pearly Gates.”
It was somehow the wrong thing to say; he felt Fraser stiffen next to him, clear as day, like all the layers they were wearing weren’t even there. He moved closer to bump shoulders. “Hey, I’m just kidding, you know that, right?”
“Of course, Ray.”
Fraser stayed stiff enough that Ray knew he was lying. He tore his eyes from the beauty surrounding him to look Fraser square in the eye. “Benton Fraser, this is maybe the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, so don’t you go reading between lines that aren’t even there.”
Fraser stared back at him, all blank Mountie for a few seconds before looking down for a moment, a small smile and pinking of his cheeks letting Ray know he’d been heard and believed. “I’m sorry, it’s just.” He looked at Ray, then away again as he went on. “I know this is a harsh land, and that the journey we’ve taken has been anything but a relaxing vacation.”
“Did I say I wasn’t having fun?”
“Constantly.”
He had a point. “Okay, but did I mean it constantly?”
Fraser looked at him again, gaze searching for something. “No, you didn’t. But that doesn’t mean it hasn’t been treacherous, though you haven’t come close to dying since we first got here.”
“Yeah, hard to beat jumping out of a plane and then getting stuck in an ice crevasse for death-defying,” Ray replied, trying to keep his voice light so Fraser would know he was teasing.
“Yes, well.” Fraser cleared his throat. “What I mean to say is, if it’s gotten to be too much, or simply enough for that matter, now that we've made it to our original destination, all you have to do is tell me and we can head back.”
Ray blinked, entirely lost. “Okay, so you’ve gone beyond reading between the lines, and have progressed to writing your own novel. What the hell did I say to make you think I wanted to go back?” Fraser looked past him, refusing to meet his eyes, and Ray grabbed his arm, turning Fraser to face him, two fingers in his face. “Those are your insecurities talking, you know that, right? Not facts, just stupid gremlin thoughts that squirrel around in your head and they’re wrong. Do not listen to them.”
Fraser didn’t try to move away, just watched Ray, searching his face again for… something, Ray had no idea what. But he was betting that what he was feeling was clear as day on his face right now. He didn’t even try to hide it – if Fraser thought he wanted to leave, even after all they'd been through, it was time to show him just how much he wanted to stay. Because crazy as it sounded, he definitely did, if that's where Fraser wanted to be.
“You really want to be here.” The with me was unsaid, but Ray heard it plain as day. They hadn't really talked about it, which Ray should have known would come back to bite them on the ass. But he'd thought the fact that they kept on roaming around in the snow, even after not finding the Hand of Franklin, was a good enough indicator. But if Fraser needed to hear the words, he'd find them.
“Are you kidding me? This,” He swept his arm to indicate the scene around them, “looks like we’ve stepped off the ground to walk in the clouds. I wasn’t hinting that I wanted to leave. You know me. I don’t hint. If I don’t like a thing, I make sure you know. I would’ve said something about hell freezing over, maybe, not heaven.”
Fraser looked out over the landscape. “It is beautiful here. That’s why I wanted to share it with you.” The wistfulness in his voice near broke Ray's heart.
Ray took a deep breath, steeled himself, and finally took a step towards what he was sure Fraser had seen on his face but not believed, lacing his glove-clumsy fingers through Fraser’s. “I’m happy to be here, you idiot. As in, with you, in Canada, and not just right now. Yes, it’s freezing, and sometimes being surrounded by snow is so boring I want to hurl, but you love it here. And you showing me why? Is making me love it too.”
The look of disbelieving hope in Fraser's eyes gave him the courage to keep going. “So, if you want me to go, you need to say something. And even if you do, I’m not one hundred percent sure you’ll get me to leave, not without a fight.” He squeezed Fraser’s hand. “Because I’m right where I want to be.”
Fraser leaned in and Ray leaned right back, drawn to Fraser like a magnet; he always had been. The brush of Fraser's chapped lips against his was brief and light, over all too soon and still perfect. The smile he saw on Fraser's face when they parted made it even more so.
He'd been right the first time. They'd found heaven.