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There is an idiom in the English language about rain. Something about cats and dogs, if he remembers correctly. As Ryunosuke watches the rain from underneath the balustrade of the shop he just exited, he feels like he understands what it is trying to illustrate. Of course there are neither cats, nor dogs falling from the sky but the weight and size of each droplet racing down to crash against the pavement makes it seem like a heavy wall of water is cutting off his hopes of getting home in any other state but completely drenched. He will get scolded by Iris and Susato for sure, both for dragging in water and dirt and for not looking out for his own health and bringing no umbrella with him, despite the season. When that happens he will surely wail like a cat or a dog.
No, he decides, he is not going to do that. Instead he waits, in hopes that the sun will, despite everything, come through. Or at the very least, the rain will lighten up enough for him to try his luck and race towards Baker Street. What should have been a short errand is quickly turning into an annoyance for Ryunosuke and he starts to wonder if maybe he should go back inside the shop and ask if they have an umbrella for sale, though considering what little money he still has in his pocket he would only be able to afford the cheapest one, the kind that will be turned over and swept away by the lightest gust of wind, and while he is known to buy any knickknacks catching his eye, he is also too stingy to buy something he knows will break.
While still debating going back inside the shop, his eyes are suddenly drawn towards a familiar figure on the other side of the street, walking at a brisk but composed pace among the bustle. He is wrapped in a dark cloak and wearing a top hat but his height and stature are unmistakable, even compared to the already tall London populace. And he is holding an umbrella. A large, black, very sturdy looking umbrella.
“Lord van Zieks!” Ryunosuke shouts across the street before he can think better of it. For a moment it seems the other man couldn’t hear him and really, that comes as no surprise. Trying to be heard on a busy street in the pouring rain is very different from shouting an objection in a courtroom. But then, as if pulled by an invisible force, Lord van Zieks’ eyes are on him and he feels a tremble somewhere deep in his chest.
The tall dark figure stops in his tracks and people rush by him, trying to escape the downpour or perhaps trying not to get too close to him for too long, as he does look quite imposing like this. Without any other idea on how to signal to his rival-turned-friend (at least Ryunosuke hopes he sees him as such) to actually come closer so they can have a proper conversation (will Lord van Zieks even want to converse with him?) he starts waving.
Lord van Zieks does not wave back. He does, however, glance in each direction before crossing the street, walking right towards where Ryunosuke is still seeking shelter from the horrible London weather and coming to a halt right before the dry strip of pavement that the balustrade provides, as if owning an umbrella bars him from entering this mystical barrier.
“Good day, Mr Naruhodo.” He nods at Ryunosuke before casting a quick glance upwards, as if to throw a glare at the sky. “Though good might be debatable.”
Somehow, he is still not used to Lord van Zieks being anything other than unwelcoming towards him, despite everything that has happened just recently. Each amicable word directed at him still makes the breath catch in his throat and Ryunosuke can’t help but stare like a blank piece of paper as he tries to come up with a clever answer, or any answer at all really. Lord van Zieks waits for a beat or two but then the crease in his brow increases.
“Is something the matter?”
“Ah! Well, it’s just that I was expecting a bit of a different greeting. A complaint about me making a racket on the street to call you over or something along those lines.”
Ryunosuke wants to slap himself. He could have said anything at all and yet it had to be that, his own private thoughts that had no business being said out loud. Understandably then when Lord van Zieks gives him a look as if a second head has sprouted from his shoulders.
“You wish to be reprimanded for your disorderly conduct? I will keep that in mind next time.”
Yeah, he really put his foot in his mouth right there. But more importantly, at the very least he has Lord van Zieks’ attention now. The rain is still pouring and Ryunosuke has a very clear ulterior motive he hopes won’t be too obvious for the man in front of him.
“Uhm, that aside, where are you going, Lord van Zieks? Today is not a day where one wants to be out and about,” he says even though he himself is out and about. “If you have no set plans, would you like to accompany me to Baker Street? I’m sure we would be right on time for afternoon tea.” And he would get to arrive there mostly dry. The perfect plan.
For some reason, the grip on Lord van Zieks’ umbrella tightens momentarily. “As it happens, I’m not out merely to enjoy the cheerful weather.” Of course not. That would have been too convenient. But Ryunosuke doesn’t feel like giving up just yet.
“In that case, may I accompany you?” He has to admit, he is astonished by his own boldness today. Perhaps the nervousness he usually feels while talking to the prosecutor outside of court really can be turned off as long as he is desperate enough for a mobile shelter from the rain?
At first Lord van Zieks doesn’t answer, he just watches Ryunosuke closely as if trying to glean some more information just from his observations. Around them, the people are still rushing by, giving the man formerly known as the Reaper a wide berth, though it is unlikely that all of them know him and aren’t simply intimidated by his height and gloomy aura. Finally, there is a quiet sigh.
“You didn’t bring an umbrella, did you? Whatever leisure activity you imagined me being on my way to, I must disappoint. I’m out to visit the graveyard.”
Somehow, he has managed to shove the foot even deeper into his mouth. Now Ryunosuke really, really feels bad. His gaze sinks in shame at both the fact that Lord van Zieks saw right through him and because it turns out he is on his way to a rather somber place. The only thing to do now is to apologize and not keep him any longer.
“I see… you’re visiting your brother then?” Or he could do the exact opposite of that because he just can’t curb his own curiosity. Sometimes, it feels like certain prompts are just being sent into his brain like morse signals and what they spell out he has to do. It is not a feeling he always enjoys.
“No. Gregson.”
“Oh.” The ensuing silence between them lasts only a second or two but it is heavier even than the rain.
“You… you weren’t at his funeral.” Ryunosuke blurts out then because of course he can’t shut up for once in his life. Maybe, once he actually does manage to get back to Baker Street, he should ask Iris or Susato to sew his mouth shut for a while. He used to not think too much of it but it turns out he says things that lead him into sticky situations quite often. Maybe it is time for a new him.
“I wasn’t. I had planned on going but I was… otherwise engaged at the time. Due to Stronghart’s case.” Lord van Zieks, bless him, doesn’t seem to mind too much answering all of these questions. He has a somewhat sour face while speaking but he always does, it doesn’t even register in Ryunosuke’s mind as such anymore. “I feel like I should pay my respects at the very least.”
Ryunosuke nods. It’s understandable. And today, ironically, is the perfect weather for standing at a grave and looking sad. Though now that he thinks about it, there is one more question coming up in his mind and this time, he doesn’t even feel ashamed to ask. “Do you know where his grave is?”
That earns him a sigh. Lord van Zieks glances away, downwards and to the side, at an incredibly interesting patch of pavement being bombarded by heavy raindrops. With the top hat on his head, his profile seems even more distinct and it’s clear he is reluctant to answer the question. “Not exactly. I made sure to clear my schedule so I would have enough time to look for it.”
Ryunosuke knows where it is, for the same reason Ryunosuke knows that Lord van Zieks hadn’t been at the funeral: because Ryunosuke had been there. Him, Susato, Mr Sholmes, Iris and Gina had all gone. It was an interesting experience, witnessing a western funeral and the religious practices that went along with it, if only the occasion hadn’t been so somber and personal.
He could do the thing he felt was more proper, more polite. Leaving Lord van Zieks be to avoid further invading his space. Finally getting that damn cheap umbrella and returning home. Or he could do the thing his heart tells him to do. A simple little gesture to help a man he wishes to be friends with, if he is receptive to it.
“I could show you. I still remember where it is, I think.”
Lord van Zieks’ attention perks up at that. Those stormy blue eyes that at their center seem to bleed into turquoise and that had observed and evaluated him across the courtroom more times than he could count are glinting with an emotion Ryunosuke remembers seeing once before, when the other man had thanked and praised him that one time after his trial. A moment later it’s gone again however, overtaken by skepticism.
“Are you truly so desperate for me to share my umbrella with you?”
Oh. Oh that, right. He had actually forgotten about that for a moment. “Oh no, that’s not it at all! Or at least… I will admit, it was at first but not anymore. I would very much like to accompany you and show you where Inspector Gregson was buried, Lord van Zieks. If you don’t mind.”
Instead of answering, the position of Lord van Zieks’ arm changes as his whole body turns and the brim of the umbrella now covers Ryunosuke as well. With a small jerk of the head, Lord van Zieks motions in the direction he had been walking in before and says: “Let us be off then.”
And so they walk and the rain still pours and soon Ryunosuke realizes his mistake. He is used to walking along the street next to Susato and when it rains he is the one holding the umbrella over the two of them, keeping her close and making sure no raindrops can reach her. A task that is rather easy, given the fact how slim and small her stature is.
With Barok van Zieks, the roles are reversed. He is a large presence next to Ryunosuke who has to huddle and stay very, very close to save himself from the little rivulets flowing down at the edges of the umbrella. It is an experience most mortifying, especially as his traitorous heart starts to jump with joy and excitement at the proximity.
It wasn’t so bad when there was at least a little bit of space left between them.
His desire to be Lord van Zieks’ friend is pure and true but there is a small, quieter voice beneath it. A voice as sweet as it is painful, seeking something… more. But he quells it usually, dares not even to hope. Only now it’s almost impossible. If not for the heavy cloak that Lord van Zieks wears and the lighter cloak that he wears their arms would be brushing.
“Is something the matter?”
Again Lord van Zieks asks this and again Ryunosuke feels stupid and inadequate.
“No no, it’s nothing. I was just… thinking. “ He ends up willing his indecent fantasies away, thinking instead of funerals and other sobering memories.
The graveyard in question isn’t too far away, just a short walk from the street where they met. It explains why Barok was walking the distance on foot instead of calling a carriage.
As they enter the gates leading into the walled off garden of the dead they find themselves alone, a stark contrast to the packed streets where people were rushing by to get away from the downpour as quickly as possible. Not even old widows talking to their husbands and hobby gardeners tending lovingly to the graves of their late family can be found right now. Instead there is only silence, offset by an ever present pitter-patter. Rows of carved stones and lonesome trees overhanging a few benches usually meant to give the elderly a moment of rest. Right now they would only give you soaked trousers.
Ryunosuke takes a moment to remember the spot where they had carried Gregson’s casket. He points to the left path. “It was over there somewhere.”
Lord van Zieks motions for him to lead the way and so he walks at a calm pace, afraid to disturb those sleeping eternally with his haste. Graves unsettle him, the presence of the dead unsettles him. But most of the people here, thankfully, are not victims of murder. Illness and injury and the flow of time take more lives away than the cruelty of people ever could, except in times of war.
He is reminded of the day of the funeral, a sky as grey as the current one above their heads but the ground stayed dry. He remembers the cold, heavy truth sinking its claws into his consciousness, that the man who had helped him in many of his cases would never again wave a bag of fish and chips at him or pull the brim of his hat deeply into his face. He remembers Mr Sholmes’ uncharacteristic silence, Gina’s tears, Iris’ tears.
And then there it is, still in the same place as if he had never left. A wooden cross, an important religious symbol in these lands, marks the spot and carved into the wood is his name, the date of his birth and the date of his death. There is nothing about what kind of person he was, nothing that will let a random passerby imagine the man that was laid to rest beneath the earth.
Curiosity, as so often before, gets the best of Ryunosuke and he steals a glance at his companion to see what expression he might show but finds a face as stony as ever, gaze set straight ahead and lips in a tight line. By now Ryunosuke knows the face of the Reaper however, knows that it isn’t cold and sinister. These lines appeared out of a deep sadness, out of grief. And so, it is no wonder that right now it still looks the same.
“So even you left me. Or rather, you got taken.” Lord van Zieks murmurs perhaps to Gregson, perhaps to himself. Either way, Ryunosuke finds himself an intruder now, a spectator to a most intimate, vulnerable scene. As much as he wishes, he cannot take his eyes away, the clench in his chest keeping his gaze affixed.
“To think that my suspicions were right… just to find out that you were being used. Like Asogi. Like Klint. Puppets whose strings were being plucked by the same man. Even I was caught in this web, without realizing. And now, it seems… I’m the only one left. The truth you kept from me lies before me sharp like a knife cutting into my heart. Tell me, what am I supposed to do now? How will I go on?”
Lord van Zieks, Ryunosuke realizes, is a strong man. Carrying a burden this heavy for such a long time. The cross, he remembers, a symbol of death, once carried by the man these people worship as god’s son. But the heavy cross he carried was then used to torture and break him and steal his life away. So what if the burden that this strong man carried for years will one day, too, be his undoing? The thought sends a cold shiver down Ryunosuke’s back, unrelated to the November chill and the unrelenting rain. The rain inside Barok van Zieks’ heart seems much colder in comparison.
“What do you want to do?” He asks, even though he knows those words were not addressed to him. A twitch goes through Lord van Zieks as if he is only now realizing that he is not alone. He doesn’t look at Ryunosuke when he answers.
“What I want and what I can do are two very different things. Now that I’m no longer the Reaper I can fight for justice my own way. And I will. But everything that once gave my life a purpose is… gone.” He takes a breath that sounds too shaky to come from Barok van Zieks. Ryunosuke can do nothing but listen now, taking in whatever Lord van Zieks is willing to open up about.
“Well, there is one thing. But if I were to reach out for it, what if it, too, will be ripped away from me? What if the true curse was not criminals that slipped from my grasp meeting their end soon after but that every person I have ever cared for will die without me being able to prevent it?”
If those words made cracks appear in Ryunosuke’s heart, then the ones following them shatter it like a crystal chalice in Lord van Zieks’ hand.
“I would rather continue my life in solitude than risk cursing anyone else by letting them get too close.”
As calm as his voice is, it is filled with such a desolate despair that it makes Ryunosuke want to weep. Is that why Lord van Zieks was so reluctant to follow Iris’ invitation to Baker Street? Is he afraid that spending too much time with his newly discovered family might put a curse on her? Is that why he tries to maintain such a distance with those around him?
Ryunosuke remembers sorrow much like this. He, too, felt his world crash around him when he had believed that his best friend had died. He, too, had not known how to move forward for a few agonizing hours until he found his resolve to finish what Kazuma had started. But while he had gained his friend back, Lord van Zieks didn’t even have a goal anymore.
He doesn’t deserve such a fate. The thought wells up within him, bright and hot, overtaking every other thought and worry he harboured before.
This sudden realization seems too big for his own body, forcing the air out his lungs and pushing against the inside of his skull. The voice that had always been so quiet within him has risen in volume. It bellows and shouts for Ryunosuke not to wait, screams every word he has ever wanted to say into his conscious mind. There is no hesitation as he moves, no reluctance, no second thoughts.
He grabs onto Lord van Zieks’ gloved hand which, shocked by the sudden motion, lets go of the umbrella. It flies off, swept away by a sudden gust of wind. Wide blue eyes stare into his but that only feeds the fire within him now.
“Don’t do that! Don’t close yourself off from the world anymore!”
“Mr Naruhodo, what-“
“If you reach out to me, I promise I’ll be there for you! I won’t let anyone hurt you like that again!”
His heart hammers all the way up to his throat but he stays steadfast and strong. The leather of Lord van Zieks’ glove is soft and the rain is now falling on the both of them, cold little pinpricks that soak into his clothes, inviting in the chill.
For a moment that could have lasted a hundred years, they stare at each other. Lord van Zieks has never quite looked this shocked, Ryunosuke thinks.
“That- you-“ He is at a loss for words. That also has never happened before.
Then, suddenly, he pulls his hand away.
“This is a graveyard. Show some restraint,” he says as he turns to retrieve his umbrella that had fallen on the ground a few feet away. Ryunosuke can feel a lump of ice forming in the pit of his stomach. Had he been too bold perhaps?
“But,” Lord van Zieks adds as he lifts the umbrella over his head and returns to his previous spot to provide Ryunosuke shelter from the rain once more, “I will be willing to listen if there is more you have to say.”
Ryunosuke nods, another flare in his inner flame melting the chill of rejection that had just grabbed him. “There is, yes.”
“Then we should change locations. A graveyard isn’t the right place for this kind of… passionate declaration.”
Connecting to the other end of the graveyard, just behind the small wall encircling the area, is a small park, equally empty. Not that it would have mattered. Even in the tightest, largest crowd, right now he wouldn’t be able to see anyone but Barok van Zieks. Each step they take to get there lasts a thousand heartbeats for Ryunosuke and in his mind, everything moves out of focus. Eventually, it is only the two of them, standing on a dirt and gravel path between trees and bushes in the pouring rain, the only thing keeping them from getting drenched even more, a single umbrella.
Lord van Zieks faces him then, lifts a gloved hand to his lips and pulls at the white leather with his teeth until his hand slips free. He then puts the glove away and grabs one of Ryunosuke’s hands.
“You weren’t finished speaking.” There is a fire in his eyes as well now. Curious and anticipating. “So speak.”
His hand is warmer than expected. Ryunosuke lets himself shudder from the skin on skin contact for only a moment before, once again, putting Lord van Zieks’ hand between both of his, squeezing gently.
“I understand the pain you’re in. I know what it feels like. But closing your heart and your soul off to the world, to others, that’s not the right way. Thinking of the loneliness you must have felt all this time and the loneliness you will continue to feel if you do this, it’s just too sad. I promise, I will be there for you. If only you give me a chance.”
Lord van Zieks listens, silently, attentively. Having the other’s full, undivided attention makes Ryunosuke’s heart soar. All of him is taut with anticipation, as if his fight or flight instinct has set itself to fight.
“I don’t think I quite understand. You haven’t explained your motive yet. Why? Why would you want to do this for me? After my deplorable behaviour towards you, for you to even consider… it makes no sense.”
Ah yes. That. Ryunosuke squeezes the hand in his grasp once more, as if to reassure that yes, he is serious about this. “I didn’t like it, if that’s what you want to know. But you acknowledge it and you work to better yourself. Ever since the end of your trial, you’ve shown me more respect than anyone else in this city. And I know what kind of person you really are. I’ve seen it, time and time again.”
“So is this why you’re so adamant on invading my space? Because of the person you think I am?”
It’s weird how he phrases that. Pulling off his glove, taking his hand, for Ryunosuke this seemed like an open door, an invitation for him to bridge that space between them. He won’t squander that chance. And so, he shakes his head.
“No. Or rather, it’s part of it but it’s not all. Ever since I got a glimpse of you, of the you behind the hostility you showed me at first, I was interested to find out more. When I found out you had been attacked and that it was a common occurrence, I was worried about you, painfully so. And when I took your case I thought to myself “maybe we can be friends after all” and the world seemed bright at that moment.”
Lord van Zieks’ hand twitches, as if he is considering pulling it back, closing himself off. But Ryunosuke won’t let him. He will accept rejection, should it come in the end, but he won’t let it end in a retreat and with unspoken words between them. So he holds on tight and continues.
“But the depth of my feelings is even greater than that. I know that when I look into your eyes, my heart wants to give you all I can offer and my arms want to hold you close forever. You may reject me and I will accept that but I promise, no matter what, I will stay by your side. I will be there if you need me, as your friend.”
“…and if my curse gets ahold of you, too? Won’t you regret having come this close to me?” His voice sounds so tight now, as if he is the one holding back his own emotions. Ryunosuke longs for nothing more than to see them break free, whatever they are.
“I don’t plan on dying. But even if I do I will never regret knowing you. Because I will have lived my life walking on a path of my own choosing. This is what I want.”
Behind Lord van Zieks’ eyes, his thoughts seem to be racing. Ryunosuke has said all he wanted to say, now he waits for an answer, with flushed cheeks and shaking hands. This confession had taken all of his courage but it had felt good in a way he couldn’t explain. He hopes to find a clue or something within the other man’s gaze as he waits but it betrays nothing. The world around them exists in the peripherals of his mind. It’s still raining. How long has it been raining? How long have they been standing this close together? Maybe this is the one and only time this will ever happen but even then he won’t feel regret.
Finally, it seems like Lord van Zieks is ready to answer. “You’ve made a compelling argument. However, there is one important part you have neglected.”
That is certainly not what Ryunosuke expected. Why does he suddenly feel like they’re in court again? “I… I have?”
“Evidence. No matter how tantalizing your words are, they will amount to nothing if they’re not backed up by evidence. If your feelings truly run this deep, then you must be able to prove it.”
If his eyes aren’t somehow playing tricks on him right now, then it almost looks like a slight flush has spread on Lord van Zieks’ face. Oh. Is he actually…? That means, the evidence he wants could be that, couldn’t it?
Should he do it? Present this evidence to show his feelings:
Kiss him.
Run for the hills and never speak to him again.
Once again Ryunosuke is reminded of how short he is, at least compared to someone as exceptionally tall as this. He stretches as far as he can while going up on the balls of his feet and yet it still doesn’t seem like it’s quite enough.
In another moment of bravery, he slings an arm around Lord van Zieks’ (or Barok’s, maybe? Maybe he can call him that now.) neck and pulls him down the rest of the way.
Distantly, he remembers Susato once talking about a scene in a book where two lovers kiss in the rain and how romantic she found it. Back then it had seemed unrealistic to him, uncomfortable, and Susato had accused him of lacking a sense for romance.
But now, as lips press against lips and an arm wraps around him to pull him closer and the rain thrums a little melody just for them on their shared umbrella, now he understands.
Granted, it isn’t a deep kiss, or one that takes much skill. To be quite honest this is Ryunosuke’s attempt to smoosh his face as close as possible to Barok’s but that is all it takes for him to feel like he is floating, and really, that is all a first kiss with someone needs to be, right? Ryunosuke thinks so.
As they break apart, Barok still doesn’t let go of him, on the contrary, he puts his second arm around him as well, hugging him close and bowing his head until he is pretty sure Barok’s top hat is falling off his head. But Ryunosuke is too busy being embraced by this mountain of a man to say anything. He has never felt so smothered in his life but he has to admit, it’s not a bad feeling. It feels… warm. Safe.
And that even though he wanted to be the one to make Barok feel that way. So he, in turn, holds Barok, pressing close. Oh what a strange picture this must be for any innocent passersby.
If he listened to the warmth in his chest only, he would stay that way forever, but his head has questions that won’t leave his mind. He needs to know for certain.
“So does that mean…?”
“Yes,” answers a voice heavy with something Ryunosuke can’t quite place. “I… harboured my own feelings for you but chose to conceal them. And I would have taken this secret to my grave had it not been for your bravery, your bold declaration of affection. After your confession, still hiding it would have been an affront to the honesty you’ve graced me with.”
“O-oh that’s- that’s great! I’m glad. I was kind of prepared to be rejected to be honest.” And he also doesn’t have any words for this aside from stupid ones. Really? Barok van Zieks accepts his feelings and all he has to say to that is that he expected to get turned down? Perhaps Susato was right after all.
“I will do more than just accept your feelings,” Barok says (oh dear, did he think out loud again?) as he finally loosens the hug. He pushes his umbrella into an ill-prepared Ryunosuke, who only at the last second thinks to grab it before it can get swept away again, and then bends over to grab the top hat off the ground, brushing off wet dirt and gravel as best as he can. As soon as it’s back on his head, Ryunosuke finds himself really, really tempted to tell him that it looks quite fetching on him, so unlike Ryunosuke’s own unspeakable attempts to wear one. But instead, it’s Barok who speaks again.
“You meant everything you said, didn’t you? Including the part where you promised to stay by my side and be there if I need you?”
Ryunosuke nods, the fierce determination he felt before returning. “I did, every word.”
“Then,” Barok takes the umbrella back into his own hand. “I will also promise something. You asked me not to close myself off from the world. As so often before, the look in your eyes has moved me deeply. It makes me want to try opening my heart again, if only because… you’re someone I can still believe in. So I will trust you.”
Oh. Oh.
Is that what it’s like? Being confessed to? Barok hasn’t even mentioned anything explicitly romantic and yet that’s exactly how it sounds. Ryunosuke can feel his cheeks burning already and he wonders if now is the time for another kiss. One can never kiss too many times in the rain, right?
“I suspect that, just like me, you won’t be satisfied with mere words. Let me prove to you that I’m just as determined.”
Aha! He knew it!
“I distinctly remember you inviting me for tea at your lodgings on Baker Street. I’d like to attend. Unless that invitation has already expired?”
Or maybe he didn’t know it, actually. And maybe he is just a little disappointed that he isn’t getting another kiss. But he is definitely happy to have Barok come home with him. Surely, Iris and Susato will be delighted by the unexpected guest and as for Mr Sholmes, well… he can only hope that those two will keep things cordial between them.
“Oh not at all, it would be an honour to have you as our guest. And we should probably get out of that rain finally.”
“Yes, we should.”
For the third time that day, they start walking close together, this time towards Baker Street. But now Ryunosuke is pretty sure that he is walking on clouds, with the knowledge that his feelings are returned and that Barok van Zieks actually wants to come over and drink tea with him. And, much more importantly, that he wants to attempt opening up his heart once more. Ryunosuke will make sure not to squander this chance and keep his own promise as well.
Oh, how lucky he is that he forgot his umbrella today.