Work Text:
28 October 2021, 18:01
“Baby, baby, baby, baby!” Isak hears his boyfriend before he sees him. Read: before he even closed the door.
He throws his keys on the table by the door, chuckling to himself as he toes off his shoes and tucks them into the rack.
Even scurries in front of him, holding a small wrapped box, “I have a present,” he announces.
“I can see that,” Isak’s eyes crinkle in a smile, “Hi, by the way,” he reaches up to Even’s cheek to leave a kiss there in a greeting, his thumb stroking over his boyfriend’s face. Isak’s eyes look at the wrapping and he notices Even had used their cactus washi tape that he usually used in their calendar, “What’s this for?”
“Five years ago today, I kissed you for the first time,” Even says, a smile tugging on his lips, “I know it’s not our actual anniversary. But I wanted to surprise you.”
“So I get another present on our anniversary?”
“Of course,” he bounces on the balls of his feet, “Can you open it now?”
Isak laughs at him and nods his head, shrugging off his coat and hanging it on the hook by the door. He pulls Even over to the sofa, taking hold of the small box.
He rips it open to find a black box with a white lace-looking printed border, { THE AND } written in small black letters. A smile decorates his face.
“No way!”
Even giddily laughs, “I know you watch those videos when you’re anxious… So, I thought we could play. I watched a bunch of the videos before I bought it so I could get the right pack.”
It was a card game made by Skin Deep. Isak had always watched queer couples play this game online and being in awe of how healthy their relationships could be; it’s been something he had used to ground himself when he was anxious for years.
“Do you like it?”
“Of course I do,” he places it next to his lap and wraps his arms around Even’s neck, “Thank you.”
.
They made pasta together for dinner, and ate it in front of a movie. They both had university the next morning, so their evening was always more relaxed on a night like this.
Isak found his evening unwinding like this helped him sleep; they had lamps and fairy lights in their living room to make his mind begin to shut off as the night went on.
“Do you wanna play now?”
“Now ?” Even asks, “I didn’t know if you’d want to wait until the weekend.”
Isak shakes his head, “Nei, it’ll be good!” He grabs the box from where he left it on the windowsill, grabbing the blanket they keep on the seat there.
Even spreads the blanket when Isak hands it to him to cover both their laps.
“How does this work then?
“There’s a pile of question cards in the middle, and we take turns in asking the other a question,” Isak explains, “Usually it’s to do with our relationship, I think. But sometimes it might be about you or something.”
His boyfriend nods, kissing Isak’s head as he sorts the cards into a pile on the coffee table. Even rearranges his position so he sits cross-legged on the sofa, facing Isak and Isak does the same.
“Ready?”
At his nod, Isak picks up the first card, “What is your favourite non-physical feature about me?”
“The way you see things,” Even replies, rather quickly, “You see past how some people act to try and understand them, you’re really patient with things like that.”
“I don’t think I’ve always been like that.”
“No,” Even laughed, “You used to get really angry really quick. And you’re still a grump.”
Isak smiles, “Yeah, I think when we got together, I was really defensive of us, so if anyone said anything, I just went into attack mode.”
“But, you don’t anymore?”
He shakes his head, “I don’t feel the need to protect us anymore, because I know we’re settled and I rely on you now. I know you’re going to be there.”
Even smiles at him, brushing a strand of Isak’s hair behind his ear.
“I was so impatient as a kid.”
“I think it came from how you grew up a bit. I don’t think you were treated as a priority when you should have been, but you didn’t really come to terms with that until we’d been together for a while,” Even wondered, “Maybe that’s why you grew into how patient you are. Because you could understand why you were impatient, like, you needed someone to pay attention to you and you weren't getting it."
Isak nods his head, playing with his fingers, “I think you were the first person I didn’t question about that.”
“You being a priority?”
“Mm,” he hums, “I mean, I always knew Jonas was there, and the boys, Eskild. You know? But they all had other stuff going on. With you, I always knew I was an important part of your life,” out the corner of his eye, he could see Even trying not to smile at the sound of Isak saying Even had supported him like that without even trying, “You made sure that I knew that I was important, you took time to think of me and consider me.”
“Of course you’re important,” Even repeats Isak’s words, “I think because you didn’t think anyone saw you as a priority until you were older, you always try to make sure you understand other people. Maybe it’s because of that, you know? Like, you didn’t think your family thought you were important so now you spend a lot of time making sure you don’t do that,” he theorised, “Anyway, I just love how you see things. Even away from people, the way you view our relationship, how you see me. I can see everything in your eyes, you’re very open. I’m never left wondering what you think, because you’re so open.”
Isak’s eyes twinkled in the way Even knew he was about to be teased, “In my baby blues?”
“Baby, you have green eyes.”
“Shut up,” Isak rolled his eyes, nudging Even to pick up a new card.
Even takes hold of the card, and reads it, “Do you think younger you would be happy with what you have become?”
Isak is quiet for a second before responding, “No, I don’t think he would be.”
“Nei?”
“I think he wouldn’t want me to be in love with a boy,” he admits, “And he needed to grow a lot for me to be able to love you.”
Even takes Isak’s hand, kissing the palm of it in comfort.
“So, no, I don’t think he would be strictly happy for me, but I think that’s a really good thing.”
“I’m glad.”
Isak picks up the next card, “Do you believe in burning bridges when it comes to exes?”
“Uh,” Even hesitates, “I think it depends. For me, Sonja was someone I had to cut off for a long time because I made our relationship something that she hadn’t meant it to be. Like, when I was still with her, by the end I had evolved it in my head into it being really wrong for both of us. So, when it ended, I had to cut her off.”
Isak nods along, knowing this part of his relationship with Sonja already.
“I know my family still talk to her when they see her out somewhere, and I know Sonja still checks on me every so often, but she never talks to me. I think, for me, I had to but I don’t think it should be that way for every break up. I know people can break up and still be friends afterwards.”
“I mean, I only have you as a reference, kind of. But I like to think people can be civil after being together,” Isak agrees, “I always think it must be surreal to have someone know you that intimately, and you just never speak to them again, you know? Like they know how you sound when you sing in the shower, or your favourite meal to eat when you’re sad, but they don’t talk to you anymore. That must be awful.”
Even smiles at his boyfriend, knowingly, “Sometimes, you say things that make me think that in another universe, you were a poet or something."
Isak laughs, “Maybe in a past life, I was like Oscar Wilde.”
“Sounds good, baby,” Even picks up the next card, smiling at the look of it, “When have you felt sexiest around me, and what did that teach you about yourself?”
“Oh my god,” Isak muttered, hand over his eyes in embarrassment, "Hvorfor?"
“Tell me!” Even exclaimed, “You have one, I can see it on your face!”
“Babe,” Isak groaned, and he repositions his posture so he is sitting upright, “Well, you’re the first person who found me attractive. Well the first person I accepted in finding me attractive, at least.”
Even’s brow furrowed, “What do you mean?”
“Well, girls found me… Attractive, I guess. But I never accepted it.”
“You didn’t think you were?” Even questioned.
Isak shrugged, “I don’t know. I think being anxious was the dominant thought in my head; I knew what to say and do, play the game with girls,” he listed off his past mentality for a moment, and then paused, “Then, I met you, and my main thought was just on you and feeling real, I didn’t think about you finding me…”
“Hot?” He offers.
Isak hums in agreement.
“What changed?”
“Time, I think,” Isak began, “I don’t think I started feeling… you know, attractive, or whatever, until a lot of time had passed and we settled into our relationship.”
Even smiles, tilting his head to meet Isak’s eyes, “Did I do something in particular?”
He shakes his head, “No, I think I just felt comfortable with you. I stopped watching what I was doing around you. I don’t know, I just started believing what you said about me.”
“Like what?”
Isak hesitated, feeling the words on his tongue, “That I…” he couldn’t seem to say them himself, and he felt the heat on his cheeks.
“That you’re beautiful,” Even supplied, “And sexy, and pretty…” he trailed off.
“Ja,” Isak nods, a smile growing in the corners of his mouth.
“I’ll say it for the rest of my life, so you can always believe it,” he grins, “Because you are, you know? Not just physically, but you’re just a beautiful person. There’s not a single thing I would change about you.”
“For the rest of your life?”
“Mm,” Even hums, looking back to the card, “So what did it teach you? When you eventually felt good about yourself around me.”
Isak laughs for a moment at himself, “It sounds dumb to say, but the fact that I can look good? Like, I’m capable of being wanted and someone that you find attractive.”
Even smiles widely at his boyfriend, quickly pecking him on the cheek, “That’s not dumb, baby,” he comforts, “Do you only feel attractive to me?”
“You know, it’s weird. Once I felt like I was attractive to you, I felt a lot better in myself. I wasn’t as shy and I feel good now, in my skin. I feel like other people can find me attractive. Maybe that shouldn’t matter because-”
“No!” Even interrupts, “It’s good. I love hearing you talk about yourself like this. You are attractive and I’m glad you can see that now.”
“It’s not everyday, I have days when I don’t…”
Even takes hold of Isak’s hand, the small gesture comforting him, “That’s normal, babe, I have bad days too, and you remind me too. You make me feel attractive too.”
“When I met you, I thought you were so untouchable,” Isak reflects, “Everyone liked you, everyone thought you were good looking.”
“Nobody knew me, it’s easy to pretend that way,” Even explains, “Once I’d been at Nissen a while, I knew people found me attractive, so I guess we are different in that I knew people saw me like that. I knew I looked good, because I liked what I wore and what I looked like day to day.”
“Mm, I think I needed you to push me in that direction,” he says quietly, “Maybe that’s unhealthy. But I think for me, it’s not. Because I’m so healthy now; my mindset is better than it’s been before, it’s not perfect because that doesn’t exist, but I’m happy. I’m happy with you and our life together, and I’m happy with me. You bring out the good in me.”
Even smiles quietly before leaning closer to him, cupping Isak’s cheeks and kissing him softly, and he presses his forehead against his boyfriend's, “I love being healthy with you.”
“Me too,” he agrees, leaning back after pecking Even’s lips once more. Picking up the next card, he reads it aloud, “When do you feel most loved?”
“Hm,” he thinks for a moment, “I think I feel most loved when we’re just doing life together. It sounds simple but just cooking for you or boiling pasta while you cut vegetables. Hoovering the apartment while you’re studying at the kitchen table,” he looks around their apartment to think of the small tasks they do around their space, “Just doing the things people do everyday. How about you, baby?”
“I think it’s just before we go to sleep. I couldn’t sleep for so long, so I think I’ll always appreciate how safe I feel when I’m in bed with you,” he says, “My bedroom used to be the place I would think about things on a loop for hours, and now I don’t do that because I’m laid with you and I’m safe. I can feel that you love me the most when we’re like that.”
Even tilts his head to meet Isak’s eyes, his eyes crinkling with a smile, “I like that,” he hears Isak’s hum of agreement so he grabs another card, “Why did you decide to be with me? Why do you love me?”
Isak lets out a breath, “In my head, I think you see love a bit different to me. I think falling in love with someone is chance, kind of, but staying in love is a lot of choices. I think I made the choice to be with you, and I make the choice of that in every part of my life, because you’re not just one piece of my life. I think of us as a partnership. I exist on my own and I’m happy with who I am, and you’re in every piece of my life because of that, and you have been for so long that I think of you as a part of me as well.”
Even smiles, “I like that too.”
“I’m glad, baby,” He glances back down to the question he was trying to answer, “I don’t think I make a decision to love you, it’s not an effort to love you. But I do think it’s an effort for our relationship to be how it is,” at this, Isak holds onto Even’s hand, squeezing it once, “I make an effort to communicate with you, and things like that, so we can be healthy. I do that because I want to, you make me happy. I look at you and I know I’m safe. I don’t think I love you for one specific reason but I think that’s the main part of why I choose to be with you.”
Even nods his head, “I think we do think of love differently. In my head,” he repeats Isak’s words, “In my head, love is a really profound thing, and you think of it more systematically - but I like it like that. I like that I think of love as something grand, something to believe in,” he looks around the room to show the religion-like quality that love has to him, “But you and me are grounding to me, if that makes sense. This is my love. Love as a concept is this huge thing, like Pretty Woman, Romeo and Juliet love is huge. You and me are huge to each other, and that grounds me. I love you and I choose to be in this relationship with you, because I can. I want to do life with you. I want to wake up every morning, and brush my teeth with you. And one day, I want to marry you and do that forever.”
“Forever sounds good.”
“Yeah?”
“Mm, even if you are sounding a lot like Ted Mosby right now.”
“Ted is a good character!” Even exclaims, “He’s just a bit annoying sometimes.”
“He’s not too bad, I guess,” Isak mutters, grabbing the next card, “What do you think was your most vulnerable moment in our relationship?”
Even furrows his brow, “Most vulnerable?”
Isak hums.
“If I had one singular moment, I would say I felt most vulnerable just after being manic when we were getting together. Like, the first time I was depressed around you, or the first time I was depressed when we lived together,” he reflects, “I remember being so scared that I would remind you of your mum and scare you away.”
Isak presses a kiss to the back of Even’s hand, holding it against his own cheek, “That’s a long time ago.”
“It is, yeah. I think I feel vulnerable with you everyday but it’s like, I feel safer with you now. Yes, of course, it’s vulnerable to be this in love with you and this invested in our relationship,” he says, meeting Isak’s eyes again, “But I know we’re going to be okay and we’re going to be together, I don’t have any doubts about us. So, yes, I do feel vulnerable with you all the time but I don’t feel the fear of it. It’s good-vulnerable, not scary-vulnerable.”
Isak lowers Even’s hand again so Even can get a new card, “Do you think that cheating partners should be given a second chance?”
“I think it depends,” Isak replies, quicker than he had in the previous cards.
“On what?”
“The circumstance. Like, what led to that?” He states, “When I was younger, I used to think cheating meant that was it, you know? You betrayed them so it’s over, but I think my main thought now is that if a relationship is deep and trusting, a lot needs to happen before someone cheats. So, I do think it depends on that.”
“I know a lot of couples who don’t talk like we do. Sonja and I never did and we broke up so many times, so many times that she didn’t even believe me when we broke up after I met you.”
Isak nods, “We had to work a lot for me to understand how cheating was involved in that situation. Because I was seventeen, you know? I thought you might lose interest in me or I could do something wrong that would lead you to…”
“And now?”
“Now I know what led to that,” he says, “I know how shaky your relationship was, and I understand that relationships like that aren’t black and white. So, yeah, I think second chances can happen, especially if the couple is willing to work on the relationship. But, only if they want to work and grow together, not just wanting to salvage whatever relationship they had before the cheating happened.”
“That’s really smart.”
“Well I am really smart.”
“I know you are, baby.”
Isak grabs another card from the pile, “What about our relationship makes you really happy?”
Even grins, “I like this one,” he states, pecking Isak’s cheek quickly, “I love that we just have a great time with each other. I love laughing with you, you make me laugh all the time. Even when it’s hard stuff, it doesn’t feel too much for us or too heavy.”
“I like that too.”
“Yeah?”
Isak nods, “I remember being a teenager and worrying about things like sex. Because sex is gross, when you think about it.”
“Isak!” Even defends.
Isak laughs at him, “It is! But I remember thinking when I was younger that I didn’t know how to lead or be sexy, or do anything like that. With you, though, we can laugh at stuff,” he says simply, “You make me feel safe because we laugh at each other, you make fun of me and I make fun of you. I don’t worry about how I look or if I’m doing something right because I feel safe to be whatever with you.”
“I’m glad.”
“But yeah, I think my number one favourite thing is, at the end of the day, you’re my best friend,” he punctuates the sentence by taking hold of Even’s hand again, “I love spending time with you and we have a great time together. Even when things are hard, you make it easier to cope with it.”
Even smiles quietly at him for a second, until, “I’m so telling Jonas.”
“Shut the fuck up,” he mutters, pulling Even closer to him and kissing him. He can feel Even’s teasing smile against his own lips before pulling away again.
Even reads the next card, “What about us do you think works well together?”
“I think we balance each other out really well. Like, you’re extroverted and I’m really not, I think that’s one thing we balance each other out with.”
“So you like that I’m good at being around people?” He questions.
Isak nods, humming, “Mm, yeah. I feel like when I’m with you around people I don’t know or even if I’m just anxious around people, I can relax. I don’t need to be anxious because I know you’re there and if I freeze up or something, you can take the lead.”
“I like that,” Even says softly, “That I keep you calm.”
“I guess another part of that is we’re not like a ‘it’s you and me against the world’ couple, we’re very settled. I love Noora to pieces but I remember when she was with William and Eskild, Linn and I all hated him. She would have to try and get us to believe her when he did something nice, we really didn’t trust him, and I think that affected her. Like it was them versus the world, that must have had an effect on her,” he reminisced, his eyes landing on the photo frame on their shelves in the corner of Kollektivet.
“So, we don’t feel the need to prove anything, we have support systems. You like that.”
Isak nods again, “I obviously love that I feel supported by you, but I also love that I have my own support system outside of us. And I love that they support you too, and us,” he meets Even’s eyes again, “I know I can call your parents whenever I want and they’ll look after me.”
Even hums in agreement, “I also love that you’re my stable place. I know that at the end of the day, it’s you and me going home and getting ready for bed, and I think that’s something about us that really works,” he says, “I love that you don’t keep me stable, I am. You don’t make decisions for me and we communicate so much that it feels stable and secure, like we can’t break apart, because you’re my sure thing. I depend on you and you depend on me, we’re really balanced.”
Isak’s eyes relax, half lidden, and look at Even’s face, “I love you,” he whispers.
“I love you too.”
“Okay, last card, I’m tired,” Isak announces, watching as Even picks up one more card, “Isn’t it my turn?”
“Shh, sleepy, this one’s fun. What is your favourite way to receive affection?”
“Is this like that love language quiz you made me do?”
Even scoffs, “I didn’t make you,” he affirms, “Magnus came over that night that you had that late workshop thing and we were doing the quiz, you just happened to come home when we were. You wanted to know your answer!”
“Magnus wanted to know my answer.”
“Whatever, yes, it’s like that quiz but it’s the one you think you are, not just what a quiz tells you,” Even says, pulling them back to the card’s question.
Isak smiles, “I think,” he pauses, “I think physically touching you.”
“Yeah?”
He hums, “Ja, it calms me down,” he explains, “I don’t know, I feel like I believe what you say a lot more when you’re touching me.”
“I think I would have said touch would be your favourite,” Even agrees, “I can feel you relax when I’m touching you.”
“Maybe it’s because I never really hugged people before you.”
“No?” Even sounded surprised, but it made a lot of sense once he had said it.
“Jonas and the boys hugged me a bit, Eva a couple of times but not much, you know?” Isak recounted, “Eskild would lay with me and things like that a little as well. Mamma was always going through so much at home so she never did, and Pappa I don’t remember ever hugging me.”
Even pulls Isak a little closer to him, so Isak’s legs laid over his lap, “Well, it’s my job to make up for that,” he rubbed small circles over his thighs in comfort.
“What about you? What’s your favourite?” Isak asks, softly.
“I think words,” he says quietly, not wanting to break the soothing moment, “I like reassurance.”
“Yeah?”
“Mm.”
Isak nods, “That makes sense, actually,” he decides, “Like, when you’re down, I know you like hearing me talk.”
“Yeah, and even when I’m fine, I like you saying I look good, or you like what I’m cooking or something. It’s nice.”
Isak smiles at him, “That’s good for me to know,” he says, “I’ll do it more now, watch.”
Even laughs under his breath, “You do it all the time, Is.”
“Really?”
“Mmhmm.”
“Well,” Isak says, surprised, “I’ll keep doing it then.”
“Good. I’ll keep my hugs up too.”
“Deal,” he says, holding his hand up for Even to shake.
Even kisses his hand after he shakes it.
.
They finally found themselves in bed. Isak felt Even reach over to the lamp to switch it off before nestling in behind Isak, his arms wrapping around him. Isak turned over so they were face to face, and he placed his hand over Even’s cheek, stroking the skin under his eyes.
“Thank you for my present,” he says, “It was fun.”
“You liked it?”
“Course I did,” Isak places a kiss on Even’s nose, letting his hands slip down to hold onto Even’s side, “Did you have fun?”
Even nods, his eyes crinkling, “I liked getting to know you a bit more. I think sometimes I forget that there’s a lot about you I don’t know yet.”
Isak hums, “You think?”
“Yeah, even though I do learn about you everyday, but there’s things I don’t pay attention to that I think I will now.”
“That’s nice, I like that, baby,” Isak notes, placing a kiss on Even’s lips, letting his eyes slip closed as he does.
Even runs his hands through Isak’s hair, tucking some behind his ear, “I love you,” he says, keeping his hand in Isak’s hair, playing with the strands.
“I love you too. Happy kind of anniversary.”
“Happy kind of anniversary, Is.”
fin.