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It had been a long week.
No - screw that - it had been the worst week that Daichi could remember. The time passed running up and down the hills during training camps under the burning midsummer’s sun definitely paled in comparison with the amount of stress and physical demand that this week had put on him. Nothing had gone the right way at work, and the loneliness he felt at home, where Suga, his long-term lover, was also definitely struggling with work and life, definitely didn’t help. His mood was already sour when he stepped into the house, his dinner from a take-out place he didn’t really like in hand and not even expecting Suga to be home yet.
However, there he was.
Suga was eating alone and staring at the wall with a tired and distant face, something that made Daichi's already foul mood even worse. He wasn’t up to talking, and he felt strangely annoyed the more he looked at Suga’s defeated form in front of him. They briefly greeted each other, the policeman sitting down to eat as the other stood up and took his dish to the sink, when he heard the ping of the washing machine being done. It caught his attention, making Daichi briefly think of how Suga had maybe been home for longer than he initially imagined and couldn’t help but feel envious of that.
Daichi knew that starting a fight after the very stressful and very demanding weeks that both he and Suga had been going through wasn’t the brightest idea he had ever had, but he couldn’t help the words that started to spill from his mouth as he spoke. It had been a mistake, a terrible one at that, and he couldn’t explain what came over him at that moment, but now he couldn’t turn back time.
Suga had accidentally ruined a batch of laundry - forgetting to take out a pen from his work shirt’s pocket that exploded and stained some of their items with the blue colored ink - and Daichi hadn’t been able to stop the frustration that was starting to take him over. He knew that Suga had probably been so tired - exhausted out of his mind just like him - when loading the washer and that in the end, it really wasn’t anyone’s fault other than their incredibly demanding jobs. It wasn’t even that big of a deal and the more the policeman thought back on it, the more he felt his guilty conscience bite back at him.
Daichi had been washing the dishes when he heard Suga curse out loud, his voice coming from their bathroom where the washing machine was. He’d run to when it had pinged to let them know it was done. Suga had always been peculiar about the laundry, stubbornly insisting to be the one to do it and never letting it sit there for some time, as Daichi tended to do.
The policeman was feeling a little annoyed, the little things stacking up taller and taller, as if it was an unstable game of Jenga threatening to fall at any moment. He had waited a couple of minutes, calmly drying a plate and not even bothering to ask what was wrong with his lover, when Suga came out of the bathroom holding his stained work shirt in his hands. He ran to the window, trying to see better under the lights and inspect the damage further. The never ending string of curse that was leaving his mouth was really dealing a lot of damage to Daichi’s poorly kept together anger and already lower than usual self-control.
“Fuck!”
The curse leaving the teacher’s lips was the drop that made Daichi’s anger start to rise and overflow. It was like a tide; it started small and it increased with each second that passed by. He listened as the teacher kept on cursing, trying even more to examine the damage done to the clothing, as if it would change something the more he looked at it. The policeman inwardly sighed, preparing himself to deal with whatever was going on and trying to keep his frustration in check.
“What happened?”
“Nothing much, Dai. I might have messed up a little with one of my shirts in the laundry. But I’ve checked the rest and your things are all okay, don’t worry. I will now go and hang up to dry the rest of the laundry…”
Daichi felt annoyed. Annoyed at the carelessness of his lover, annoyed at the lack of consideration that he was displaying by bothering him with his troubles. Looking back, Daichi also saw that what he really felt, was a discontent at the lack of acknowledgment that Suga showed, not letting him help with his problem at hand and resolving to just cuss his way to a solution, all by himself.
“Messed up? You messed up, what a novelty. You always did, and always will, won’t you?”
Suga whipped around, disbelief clear in his eyes. He had immediately realized how bad he had fucked up, but as soon as he saw the anger also rising in his lover’s eyes, he knew that it wouldn’t end well. Neither of them was gonna come out unscathed from that fight.
“Excuse me?”
Suga’s icy tone permeated inside his bones, making him shiver down to his soul with regret, something that contrasted gloriously with the red hotness of the rage that was burning him from the inside. He felt, just for a second, his mind screaming at him to calm down and talk it out like proper adults, to not let his emotions take over and make him say something that he would probably regret bitterly in a matter of seconds. However, Suga’s rage got the best of him as soon as he spoke up again, making Daichi also finally lose control over his own.
“I always mess up, you say? Well, excuse me, Mr. Big Strong Policeman, but I also have to use my brain daily - unlike someone else here - and it can happen to forget something. You’re not perfect; don’t you dare act as if you are.”
The fight that ensued after Suga had finished spitting those words had been one of their worst up to date. Daichi could barely remember what he had even said, the hurtful comments coming out of his mouth as if he had been possessed, unable to stop and reason for even a second. He only remembered picking up his jacket in a fit of rage from where he had left it earlier as he had entered the apartment and storming out the door, slamming it as hard as he could and not caring to turn around even when he heard Suga’s jump in surprise for the loud noise. He could have sworn that before exiting their home he had seen some tears starting to pool in Suga’s eyes, something that made his heart break the more he thought back on it.
He was now wandering, his legs carrying him far away from their apartment and far away from his problem, away from the tears and away from the hurt he had left behind himself. He didn’t want to face Suga, he didn’t want to know how much he had hurt him while also being so keenly aware that he had been hurt too. He was putting his own hurt second to Suga’s, partially because of his extraordinary sense of selflessness but also because he felt responsible for what had happened. Daichi was haunted in his mind from all the times he had sworn to his lover that he would protect and hold his heart dear to him, holding onto it as best as he could.
And now there he was, pretty sure that he didn’t only break his promise, but that he had betrayed the person that most had loved him his whole life.
It was strange for him to feel this desperate, to run away from his problems. Things had gotten way more than what he could handle and didn’t know what to do. It was nothing like being a big brother, a captain or a teammate. It was way more complicated than any of those, and he had no one he felt like he could turn to. He was lost, and his usual support had been the one that he had just attacked with his hurtful comments. Daichi was used to being a leader, but he wasn’t used to not having someone to watch his back, someone to talk to in order to drive away his worries and put his thoughts into actual words.
His heart was aching, the rage already dissipating as the hurt in his chest and the cold started to finally settle in and bite at him. He felt his face sting, the extreme coldness of the late night piercing his skin as he had run up until there and the sweat was starting to feel more like torture than a normal function he was used to. Daichi felt his eyes burning, a painful sensation brought by the tears that he hadn’t even been aware that he was shedding. The hot trails left by the tears sliding down were starting to feel like ice as soon as they were formed, and wiping them up from his face hurt even more.
He felt awful.
How could have he dared to even think of starting such a pointless fight with Suga? It was clear since the beginning that there would have been no winners in this fight: only losers with a broken heart. Suga had always been his lover, his best friend, his light, the one that had made him bless his fate every day for being able to wake up and see his face first thing in the morning. Most importantly, deep in his heart he knew that he had never, not once in his life, ever thought about using Suga’s own insecurities and mistakes against him. Daichi couldn’t understand how he thought it could have been of any good to attack his lover like that, to make him feel awful about his actions when the only thing he had done was being too tired to function properly and standing in Daichi’s eyesight. He had cut him deeply and - despite Suga doing the same to him in retaliation - he knew he actually was the one to blame. Daichi had started the fight, letting anger get the best of him and deciding to fight a losing battle, one that led him to where he stood now.
His head was cool now, not feeling any kind of resentment anymore, and instead feeling an extreme regret and embarrassment that engulfed him and made him feel like his chest was held in a clutch. Finally, the policeman looked around and a strange feeling overcame him.
An unfamiliar park. An unfamiliar street. An unfamiliar neighborhood.
He couldn’t make out anything that could give him a hint of where he was, the darkness of the winter evening making him even more disoriented than normal. Daichi couldn’t recall which way he had come from; the anger that had taken him over made him speed walk along the way with his head hung low, not caring about anything but running as far as he could. His heart sank, realizing that not only he had run away from his lover, leaving him hurt and lonely, but also had lost his way back home. The situation was so ironic that he almost wanted to laugh, and his voice sounded a little choppy as the tears fell down and hindered his ability to speak. He had always prided himself in being pretty put together but he knew that was mostly a lie he told himself and everyone else. The one that always knew what to do and where to go wasn’t him, not at all: it was Suga.
His lover had always helped him, leading him and showing him all of his favorite places and how to get to them, something that Daichi had never been able to do. It was the same reason why it was Suga that usually drove between the two of them, despite them both being capable because of their jobs. He had always allowed Suga to guide him, to be his eyes and feet when going around, and Daichi now realized how much he needed that gentle guidance, not only to find his way back to their apartment, but most importantly to find his way back to his home. His home, where his heart resided. Suga had been his home for so many years, since they had first decided to become friends and later lovers, and it took for Daichi to hurt and almost tear down that home to realize it.
The policeman sighed, contemplating just sitting down on a bench and waiting for the sun to rise, as he had also left his phone at the house, leaving him confused and unable to reach out to anyone. He looked up, barely able to see the stars over him. The action reminded him when he and Suga had first transferred from the countryside to the city of Sendai and they had both noticed in a disheartening way the incredible lack of stars in the sky, the light pollution hiding them from their eyes. Daichi had been incredibly disappointed in the lack of something he had been familiar with his entire life, always having made a point of stargazing with his siblings anytime he could.
The policeman remembered with a bittersweet smile how his lover had noticed his disappointment way before he himself did, and had made a point to make up for it, by surprising him with handmade constellations plastered up their bedroom’s ceiling and taking him “stargazing” to fill the empty spot that the stars had left in his heart. He remembered how he had fallen asleep with his head lying on Suga’s shoulder, hugging him close and lulled into dreamland by Suga’s gentle words of love and soft pats on his back making him feel more loved than he had in his whole life. He never knew how much that would mean to him and how he would come to miss it in a time like this, where he stood alone and cold in the middle of an unfamiliar place. He felt his already burning eyes fill again with tears, the hotness of the unshed tears contrasting once again with the striking cold of the night.
Suddenly, something went through his mind. He lifted his head, trying to not let the tears slip down his face, when a strong light shining high in the sky caught his eye. Daichi knew that light. It was the one that shone on top of the highest tower in Sendai, a big skyscraper that contrasted deeply with the overall more traditional houses that characterized the city center. Suga had always had a strange fascination with the tower, their house’s location being strangely near the big construction and almost being overshadowed by it. It had become some kind of landmark for them, Suga always joking whenever their juniors came to visit them and always got lost - especially Hinata, as he had become more accustomed to Brazil’s streets rather than Sendai’s ones - to the point that Suga had started to tell all of them a little warning, something that resembled Peter Pan’s direction to reach the Neverland. Daichi had always found that to be a little childish, as if the other was treating their juniors like the kids he taught everyday, but he now realized how important that actually was.
He still remembered word for word what his lover would say, despite having been quite a while since he had last heard him speak so happily and freely.
“Remember, if you get lost, look up in the sky and follow the light from the highest tower. Walk always in that direction and then you will be able to find our home safely.”
Suga had called that place their home and everyone knew it as such. “Home” where everyone is welcomed, “home” where everyone is loved. Daichi shivered, aware that he had probably broken the spell that had been cast over the loving and safe place they had created and that they had always longed for, since they had started building and nurturing their love. He ran, towards the light and back to what he hoped he could still call “home”, where he hoped a spark of hope would still let him mend things, beg for forgiveness and learn to never again leave that place. He felt lost without the warm embrace of their love, he felt incomplete without his lover by his side, and he felt his heart sink every time the thought of losing Suga came to his mind.
He ran, with all of his might, trying to reach a more familiar place and to go back to Suga. As soon as he could see a street he remembered, he didn’t look back, sprinting as fast as he could towards the apartment. He got inside the complex, his breath already short and ragged as he climbed the stairs until he stood in front of his door. The adrenaline that was going through his system had nothing on what he was used to feeling in his line of work. He was sweating, both from the run and from the anxiety over what could be expecting him behind the closed door.
He slowly opened the heavy door, trying his best to not make a loud noise. The hinges of the door squeaked pathetically, something that they had never done before. Daichi apologetically realized that the strength with which he had thrown the door open and then slammed it shut while he was running away had broken the door, leaving them with another problem on their hands. He added the damage to his mental list of things to beg for forgiveness when he would be throwing himself on his knees to apologize to Suga.
He silently entered, feeling a little like a thief, someone that had no right to be in there and that broke his already hurting heart even more. He searched with his eyes for his lover's figure, finding it in the form of a curled up bundle in the sofà, as he slept in a position that Daichi knew for a fact that couldn't be comfortable, even for Suga and his crazy sleeping habits.
Daichi quietly swept Suga's hair out of his face, his finger delicately touching his lover's fluffy hair and repressing the instinct to lean down and kiss it, as he used to do before he started letting his frustrations take him over. He watched Suga's face, the calmness of sleep making his face relax and the trails of tears shine in the little light that came from outside. Daichi tried his best to hug him, softly and gently, trying not to wake him up. He sat down on the ground, not even bothering to get a blanket for himself.
The policeman stopped for a second. His mind traveled back to when he was feeling calmer, spending his night talking excitedly to Suga about everything and anything, admiring the glint of happiness in his lover’s eyes when he was narrating something ridiculous that had happened to him on the day. He had always found it extremely amusing, how Suga always seemed to have something new and interesting to tell him about and Daichi couldn’t help but laugh hard every time the teacher came out with something even more outrageous to keep his interest always high. He had never been bored with him, their days spent together always feeling like a new adventure was taking place.
Daichi just wished to be heard, for his countless murmured apologies to make their way to Suga and mend his heart, to heal and protect what was left of his place in the other's affection. It was something that he believed that he didn't deserve anymore as he had hurt him so badly and had left him on top of that. The policeman was starting to get lulled into a restless sleep, when he suddenly felt the other move behind him. He barely registered in his brain that Suga had woken up when he turned around, and clear, bright eyes were looking back at him, the sleepiness leaving his face the more he stared at Daichi's figure.
Immediately Daichi started to apologize, his words frantic and desperate, trying his best to reach his lover’s heart with his sincere apologies. He looked into his eyes fearing to see the same look of rage and hate that he had seen in the moment they fought. However, the only thing that the policeman could find was love and worry.
“Daichi…!”
Suga’s voice was trembling, disbelief clear in his tone as he extended a hand toward Daichi’s face. He realized at that moment that he had started to cry once again. The emotion of hearing his lover use a tone of relief in seeing him had brought him to the edge again, the raw feelings of hurt and genuine regret emerging and making him choke on his words.
He let his face be held by Suga’s gentle hands, as he tried to wipe away his falling tears. Daichi was leaning his head on his lover’s lap, trying his best to not soil the nice pants that he had put on that morning and that he still hadn’t changed out of, telling once more how tired he must have been. Suga was gently stroking his hair, shushing him and trying to drown out his sobbing cries.
“I’m so sorry Suga, I shouldn’t have gotten angry, I shouldn’t have stormed out, I shouldn’t have told you those horrible things-”
“Daichi.”
The policeman stopped speaking as soon as he heard his lover’s quiet voice. He sounded strangely serene, despite the clear signs of the night he had spent crying still fresh on his face. He was smiling, not the bright and sunny smile he had always worn since high school when he was in front of others, but the type of gentle and quiet smile that he had gotten the privilege to see only as their relationship progressed. Daichi knew that it was Suga’s way to show him his love and support, a silent and heartfelt way that he used to convey his feelings.
“Suga…?”
“Daichi. Please, listen to me too for a second.”
He remained silent for a second, deep in thoughts, leaving Daichi waiting with bated breath for any words that would come out of his mouth. He looked up at him, Suga’s beautiful face being softly kissed by the moonlight, something really unusual for them in their apartment but Daichi couldn’t care less. He felt like the universe was letting him live a dream and he wasn’t going to nitpick at anything in that moment.
“Daichi. You don’t have to apologize so much. It was also my fault.”
Daichi stared at Suga, his eyes full of surprise and expectations. He had considered many options on how his apology could be received by his lover; he had thought about being kicked out again, he thought about being made to beg even more for forgiveness, but he had never imagined that Suga would stop his apology and make one himself.
“What…?”
“It’s true. Daichi, I might have not deserved the comments, but you didn’t either. I love you, and hurting you is not how to demonstrate it. I made a mistake, not only today but for many, many days until tonight. I needed to be there more for you and not only drown you with my problems. I didn’t lean on you in the right way, burdening you instead of letting you into what was really going on inside my head.”
He stopped again, tears welling up in his beautiful eyes. Daichi lifted a hand to hold his face, creating a strange sensation from his cold hands from the chilly weather outside against the flushed and hot cheeks that stood out so well on the other’s pale face.
“Daichi, I think we both made a mistake, but what’s important is that you’re back to me. You’re back home. And I wouldn’t want anything but that. You’re my home, you’re my love, you’re my light, and I won’t let this all come crashing down so easily. We are strong by ourselves, but we are even stronger together.”
By the time Suga had finished talking, he was bawling openly, letting his emotions run wild and free, reaching deep into Daichi’s heart and making the policeman lunge forward, engulfing the other in his arms.
“Koushi, Koushi, please. I love you, and I need you to be by my side. I’m so sorry for everything that happened. I was a real idiot, and I let out my frustration on you. You’ve always been my biggest supporter and cheerleader. You’re my first love, and I want you to also be my last love. I don’t want to ever again leave your side, I don’t want to lose my way back to my home. You’re my home, and I would be crazy if I ever made the mistake again to leave you. Please, please, please forgive me.”
They stayed there, the time passing by as they cried with each other and whispered words of love to each other. Suga kissed Daichi, slowly and tenderly, assuring him that his feelings haven’t changed and that no matter what he was gonna stand by his side.
When they finally headed to bed, Daichi snuggled closer to Suga, enjoying the closeness and the warmth that came from his lover. He watched as the other quietly breathed in his sleep, his hands gripping tightly at Daichi’s shirt. He kissed his forehead quietly and closed his eyes gently, a sweet sleep taking over his mind.
‘I’m so blessed to get to hold my very own home so close to me.’