Work Text:
Monday
I can't work this stupid muggle contraption (12:35)
Whose stupid idea was this (12:38)
These are taking me so long tk type you have kodieap (12:42)
“No idea”, oh my God (12:43)
How do you get the news (12:46)
Fucking help me Pans don't be a dick (12:51)
Hi, I think you have the wrong number (12:57)
"Stupid Muggle contraption"?? (12:57)
Oh, brilliant (12:59)
Err, it's slang. School slang? For. Machine. (13:01)
Relax, I'm a wizard. (13:02)
Just thought it was funny (13:02)
Thank Merlin (13:04)
So why are you using a Muggle smartphone and learning the ropes of texting? (13:07)
With limited success, if I may add, it usually starts with saving the right contact number. (13:08)
Yeah, alright, smart arse (13:10)
My friend has the worst handwriting in the world (13:12)
We're meant to use these things for our Muggle studies class (13:14)
And at least three apps like text, news, fame (13:16)
“Game” (13:16)
I reluctantly admit you can do a lot with a Muggle phone, these days (13:20)
Ha, yeah, technology has come further than magic in some areas (13:21)
I think that's why they've made Muggle studies compulsory from fifth year now (13:23)
Wait you are a wizard with a smartphone (13:34)
95% of that demographics is in Hogwarts (13:36)
You study here? (13:36)
No, guess I'm the 5% (13:36)
That is probably good news actually (13:40)
Why? (13:41)
I maintain my reputation by hiding how much I suck at this class (13:44)
Haha! (13:44)
Some people would be proud to suck at Muggle studies (13:45)
I know, trust me, that's like my entire family (13:47)
Condolences (13:48)
Thanks (13:48)
The Pure Blood bloodline ends with me though so I have no pressure (13:50)
Enjoying Muggle studies so much you already plan on marrying one? (13:56)
Oh no I'm just gay (13:58)
Wow that was tmi (13:59)
Ha, already using text-speech. That shit's easy. (14:01)
Text speech usually involves a lot less adequate spelling and syntax (14:03)
Which is hot by the way (14:03)
In case you thought the gay slip would bother me (14:03)
But yes, congratulations on the acronym! You got this. (14:04)
Thank you, progressive and tolerant Muggle-versed Wizard. (14:06)
Merlin I have been messaging you for an hour and a half (14:08)
I will leave you in peace now (14:10)
Thank you, for real, my texting speed has already improved a lot. Top of the class, here I come again, Granger has nothing on me. (14:12)
Haha, good luck (14:12)
Tuesday
So you think I’m hot (10:12)
Oh god you can’t take it back once it’s sent?? (10:15)
I did not mean to send that (10:16)
Don’t answer that (10:18)
It would be a crying shame not to answer that (10:41)
I think grammar is hot (10:41)
I’m one of those people (10:42)
I was freaking out for 20 minutes about having made a fool of myself (10:43)
Just so you know (10:43)
Sorry, phone was on flight mode for charging (10:44)
Didn’t mean to ignore you, hot stuff (10:45)
Okay, slightly creepy (10:46)
And what in Merlin’s name is a flight mode (10:47)
Actually never mind, none of that sentence made sense at all anyway (10:48)
Let’s leave it for when you next need help with your Muggle studies homework (10:59)
I did not (11:10)
Never mind (11:11)
I can’t tell if you’re flirting or mocking me (11:13)
Definitely both (11:15)
You don’t even know if I’m a girl! (11:15)
Is that meant to matter? (11:16)
Oh don’t pretend (11:17)
You don’t know if I’m a girl either (11:17)
I know you’re not, unless you’re one of those people who says “I’m a wizard” to protest against the patriarchy or something (11:19)
Right, I did say that (11:19)
(did you see? I learnt how to do italics) (11:19)
I am very proud of you (11:20)
And I wasn't flirting with you (or mocking you) because I think you're a girl (11:21)
Actually I assumed you were a bloke (11:21)
But it really does not affect my willingness to flirt either way (11:21)
Okay (11:23)
I am not objecting (11:24)
I can't say I'm spoilt with guys flirting with me, so (11:25)
Guess it's nice (11:25)
Please feel free to flirt back, I can't say I'm spoilt either! 😉 (11:27)
The wink made it so much worse (11:27)
Sorry about that (11:28)
How did you do that? (11:29)
Tap that little smiley face at the left of your typing bar (11:29)
Then tap the keyboard symbol again if you want to come out (11:29)
What in the third circle of Hell are these (11:34)
I'm scared to touch any of them (11:35)
This is primitive (11:36)
Haha (11:37)
That's okay I agree (11:37)
Let's leave out emojis (11:37)
Are you not in class by the way? (11:38)
No, corridor (11:40)
… corridor? (11:41)
I was in the library but this thing whistles every time I get a message (11:43)
You can turn that off (11:42)
Oh I know. Pansy thinks it's hilarious that I can't figure out how. She won't help me. (11:43)
I thought you were hiding how much you suck (11:43)
Harsh (11:45)
Sorry (11:45)
😜 (11:45)
Yeah, definitely please don't (11:46)
What about you? (11:49)
What about me? (11:50)
Classes? Work? Or do you just sit all day waiting for strangers to text you? (11:51)
That is in fact my job (11:52)
Was that sarcasm? I don't think sarcasm works well in text form (11:55)
No, I guess not (11:56)
I guess you could say I’m in an apprenticeship (11:57)
So classes, work, bit of both (11:57)
Not doing much right now though (11:57)
Right (11:58)
I have a class in two minutes (11:58)
But it was nice speaking to you again (11:59)
Weirdly (11:59)
Same here (11:59)
Enjoy class (11:59)
Wednesday
I meant to ask (18:36)
Why did you assume I’m a bloke? (18:36)
Hello to you too (18:40)
I think it’s when you said your bloodline would end with you (18:42)
Seemed to imply you wouldn’t have children (18:42)
I guess I thought if you were a girl you’d want them at some point (18:43)
Oh my god I’ve been disgustingly sexist haven’t I (18:43)
You’re actually a lesbian (18:44)
I’m not a lesbian (18:45)
But that was in fact sexist reasoning (18:46)
You disappoint me, (18:46)
Wait I don’t know your name (18:46)
Oh (18:48)
Harry (18:49)
Nice to meet you, Harry, I’m Draco (18:50)
I want no comment (18:50)
You disappoint me, Harry (18:51)
How will I earn your forgiveness (18:53)
In my defense (18:53)
There was another clue, which was that you left me flirt with you, which if you had been a girl, since we had established you were gay and I was a wizard, didn’t seem like something you would have been encouraging (18:54)
Fair enough, I guess I forgive you (18:58)
That’s good to hear (19:00)
*
Duds (18:50)
Is it weird to develop a crush by text? (18:50)
I mean on someone I’ve never met, just texting (18:50)
Ive heard weirder (18:51)
How long have u bin talkin? (18:51)
Since Monday (18:51)
Its weird then (18:51)
That shit only haps with u Harry i swear (18:51)
Who is it? (18:52)
He texted the wrong number (19:01)
He’s funny (19:01)
We’ve just established he’s not a lesbian and (19:01)
His name is Draco (19:02)
Oh jesus not the stars obsession again (19:05)
U r such a dork (19:05)
SILENT, INFINITY, DUDLEY (19:06)
PRETTY SHAPES (19:06)
HOW CAN I NOT LIKE CONSTELLATIONS (19:06)
Arite stop shouting (19:06)
Do u have a pic? (19:07)
No and I’m not going to ask for one either, there’s weird and then there’s that (19:08)
Plus does it matter? (19:08)
That ur crush is hot? No u can still like them but its a nice bonus (19:09)
He spells all the words right when he texts. (19:09)
Ok ur doomed (19:10)
U wuld probably like him if he lookd like Dave atenboro (19:11)
Jesus (19:11)
Wait hes not like 80 rite? (19:11)
No, he goes to school (19:12)
Fifth year or more from what I gathered (19:12)
That’s 15+ y-o for you (19:12)
Wt r u gonna do about it? (19:13)
Idk (19:13)
It’s stupid (19:13)
Yeah it is (19:14)
Thanks mate (19:14)
Anytime (19:16)
Thursday
How do you get someone to understand you're not into them without hurting their feelings (19:34)
Sorry I really had nobody else to ask, all my Muggle friends know this person and all my wizard friends think texting means calligraphy (19:35)
You don't have to answer that (19:42)
Hello again, sorry, I couldn't figure out what was making the noises (19:58)
I only managed to put it on vibrate, so there's progress from the whistling at least (19:59)
Still getting used to this diabolical device (19:59)
Hey you have a profile picture on your whatsapp now so you look like you're really getting the hang of it (20:01)
Nice view (20:02)
Alright, I'll admit it I am more hooked than I thought it would be (20:02)
These things are dangerously addictive (20:03)
They really are, you're warned (20:03)
But they do come in handy (20:03)
That's a hiking place I like above Hogsmead (20:03)
Oh for sure (20:04)
Lot tidier than the Floo (20:04)
If you just want to speak of course (20:05)
Unless I've not yet unlocked the Portkey function (20:06)
Not a thing, sorry (20:06)
Can't mix magic and tech too much (20:07)
Shall I stop talking shit and help you with your issue? (20:09)
If it's not weird (20:10)
The whole messaging experience is weird and novel for me (20:11)
I literally have no standards (20:12)
For all I know, Muggles randomly text strangers all the time (20:12)
They (20:12)
Let’s not go there actually (20:12)
Best not. (20:14)
So. Can you lie and say you have a… boyfriend, girlfriend, whichever you go for (20:15)
That would imply an elaborate lie with backstory and pictures, my friends would 100% demand both (20:17)
They know everyone I hang out with already (20:18)
Also I don’t really want to use that excuse because even if it were true, the second I break up I become available again and we’re back to square one (20:19)
Is the person this persistent? (20:20)
She has had a crush on me since she was 9 (20:21)
She’s my cousin’s best friend’s sister (20:21)
She was writing my name in her diary with hearts and all for years (20:21)
So, yes. (20:21)
Right. (20:23)
Did you already try telling her she wasn’t your type? (20:25)
Well, that’s the thing (20:26)
She’s everyone’s type (20:27)
At least she thinks so, and to be honest she’s lovely, pretty, smart etc.(20:27)
I just don’t want to date her (20:28)
Hence “without hurting their feelings” (20:28)
Or the only “not my type” route I could go for, is saying I’m gay (20:28)
Which I take from this isn’t true (20:29)
Don’t be too quick to deny that (20:46)
I’d like it if you did say something (20:56)
It makes this flirting thing very awkward (20:57)
*
Shit Pans I don’t think he’s actually gay (20:32)
He was flirting with me! (20:32)
I thought he was flirting with me (20:33)
No he said he was flirting with me (20:33)
I don’t get it (20:34)
You’re going to ignore me aren’t you (20:39)
Fine (20:43)
*
Sorry (21:38)
I had to walk her home (21:39)
She kept trying to tell me how we would make beautiful babies (21:39)
At least I think so, I managed to ‘unfortunately’ miss out enough for plausible deniability (21:39)
It was excruciating (21:39)
Draco are you still there? (21:42)
I’m still there. (21:43)
I didn’t mean to leave that hanging and make things weird, I’m sorry (21:43)
I am definitely into boys enough to flirt with you (21:43)
Though I like you for your dazzling personality of course (21:43)
But anyway saying I’m gay would seem like a cop out (21:44)
I’m not (21:44)
I like girls too (21:44)
Or non binary, trans, I mean I don’t mind, a person is a person (21:45)
I’m not making sense am I (21:46)
You want this girl to understand you’re not interested in her because of who she is, and not because she’s any specific gender (21:47)
Yes (21:47)
Although when you put it that way, it sounds awful (21:48)
Yeah, I mean it’s lovely if it’s the other way round, but “I don’t like you because you’re you”...I’m afraid that is going to hurt her feelings however you put it (21:49)
This is so great (21:49)
I guess you need to find a boyfriend/girlfriend and just make sure it lasts (21:51)
Hope she meets someone else while you’re otherwise occupied (21:52)
This is where we get back to my dazzling personality (22:03)
Oh, is it? (22:05)
Are you applying for the position? (22:06)
I promise I won’t talk about our hypothetical babies (22:06)
You win already (22:07)
So, would you make beautiful babies? (22:08)
Well, that was a promise quickly broken (22:09)
Ha! I didn’t mean it that way (22:09)
Guess I’m as bad at flirting as you are (22:09)
Oy (22:10)
How did you mean it then? (22:10)
Are you handsome? (22:11)
Cringe (22:11)
This sounded better when I was just wondering to myself (22:12)
That’s a weird question, actually (22:16)
I’m not sure how to answer it (22:17)
I know, I’m sorry, forget it (22:17)
No, it’s okay, it’s just, self-esteem isn’t my greatest quality (22:19)
I guess I’m not bad looking (22:19)
(see: girls insisting they want my babies) (22:19)
I think I’m just plain (22:19)
Are you handsome? (22:21)
You’re right, it’s a weird question (22:25)
It’s like there is no right answer to it (22:25)
Ikr! (22:26)
I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean (22:30)
But you made an effort to answer the question, so (22:30)
Honestly, I think the consensus would be that I’m handsome (22:31)
It’s hard to make that sound modest (22:31)
You gave it your best try (22:32)
I did too (22:33)
My dorm mates are getting annoyed with the buzzing, I’m going to have to go to sleep (22:34)
Hope we can continue this interview tomorrow (22:35)
I look forward to it. Night, Draco (22:36)
Good night, Harry (22:36)
Friday
Draco, what the actual fuck (08:17)
Just saw your texts from last night (08:18)
Who are you even talking about?? (08:19)
Come down right now we need to talk (08:20)
*
So, I’ve been told off. (15:12)
For what? (15:13)
Flirting with you (15:13)
Or maybe for you flirting with me? (15:14)
Things got confusing, but the bottom line was that I was letting a gross old man perv on me and it was an irresponsible thing to do (15:15)
Wow (15:15)
I pointed out if you were in fact perving on underage boys you would have already asked for nudes (15:16)
Which is a term and a whole concept I learnt about this morning to my great horror and mortification (15:17)
It didn’t seem to outweigh the obvious point though (15:17)
What’s the obvious point? (15:18)
You’re a wizard, you’re in Britain, and you’re not in Hogwarts (15:18)
So you’re either over 18, or you’re 10 (15:19)
Please tell me you’re not 10 (15:19)
Ha! You’d be the one perving (15:20)
Gross (15:20)
Though I think I would be very impressed with a 10 year-old as articulate as you (15:20)
But (15:20)
Not the point (15:21)
I’m not 10 (15:21)
Lovely (15:22)
I’m not a gross old man either (15:22)
Lovely! (15:23)
I mean I didn’t think you were (15:24)
You don’t give that impression (15:24)
Plus with the apprenticeship thing, I thought you must be in your 20s (15:24)
But that’s what I’ve been told off for, being naive, and people can pretend to be anyone on Muggle media, yada, yada (15:25)
This being said (15:25)
Yes? (15:38)
Sorry, I don’t know how to phrase this. (15:39)
I’m 16, if you’re in your 20s… (15:41)
It’s not a turn off, it is just (15:41)
Well. (15:42)
I’m 16 too (15:42)
Really? (15:42)
I know this is exactly what an online predator would say, but I wouldn’t lie to you (15:43)
I’m not trying to gain anything from all this, I just like talking to you (15:43)
No I believe you, but (15:44)
How come? (15:44)
How come I’m 16? (15:44)
No I mean, you said you’re working (15:44)
How come you’re not at Hogwarts? (15:45)
Ah (15:45)
There isn’t really a place there for people like me (15:45)
What’s people like you? (15:46)
Sorry, that was blunt (15:49)
You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to (15:50)
I can see you typing, not typing, typing… (15:52)
Disabled (15:53)
Wow, that went well (16:24)
Guess you just proved my point (16:40)
*
Wassup (16:42)
Dude im home i can ear you crying in ur room (16:44)
Tell me whats wrong (16:44)
Go away Dudley (16:46)
No (16:46)
Harry (16:48)
I’m not going away (16:50)
It’s stupid (16:53)
Jesus fuck mate ur crush? (16:53)
Wat did he say? (16:53)
Nothing (16:54)
I told him I was disabled (16:54)
And he said nothing (16:54)
I know it’s stupid, fuck, I barely know the guy (16:55)
I’m just really disappointed (16:55)
Open the fucking door (16:56)
*
[Draco calling]
[Missed voice call at 19:18]
*
He’s calling me (19:18)
He is fucking calling me (19:18)
Need me to com back? (19:19)
Hang on he’s writing (19:19)
*
Harry, I am so sorry (19:21)
I didn’t mean to ignore you, it was just very bad timing (19:22)
You have to believe me, please (19:23)
I don’t care if you’re disabled (19:24)
Can I call you? (19:25)
*
He said it was bad timing and he didn’t mean it (19:22)
U believe him? (19:22)
He says he doesn’t care about the disability (19:24)
U believe him? (19:24)
I want to (19:24)
He wants to call me (19:26)
Get ur head outa ur arse and ear him out then (19:26)
I don’t know (19:27)
Fucking drama queen (19:27)
*
I burnt myself, typing hurts (19:29)
*
Shit he says he’s hurt (19:29)
Gr8 now u’ll be thinking ur shit for not thinking he culd be legit and jump 2 the conclusion he broke ur heart (19:30)
There is litraly no wining with u (19:30)
I am a shit (19:31)
I will come back and hit u (19:32)
Seriously what am I meant to say? (19:32)
“Yeah I just assumed you were an intolerant bastard?” (19:32)
What if he really is hurt? (19:33)
He still texting he cant be that bad (19:34)
But yk how about talking 2 him? (19:34)
Instead of me like (19:35)
He explain, u explain, u carry on being dork texting b(f)fs (19:35)
I don’t know what to say (19:38)
*
Please talk to me (19:42)
*
What do I do? (19:42)
Text the fuck back (19:42)
*
Hey (19:45)
Oh Morgana (19:46)
I want to explain, please? (19:47)
Okay (19:47)
[Draco calling]
*
Shit he’s calling (19:47)
I said okay to explain and he’s calling (19:47)
ANSWER THE BLOODY PHONE! (19:47)
*
[Call ongoing]
“Oh. Hello?”
“Hm.”
“Harry, I am so fucking sorry. I know it looked like I was a right arsehole earlier, but I swear to Merlin, I didn’t mean for that to happen. I finally figured out how to silence the bloody text alert so I was texting in class, and I was in Potions, and I wasn’t looking at what I was doing because I was texting you, and I spilt some of the draught, and man it was like acid, it went all over my hands, and like an idiot all I could think of was to save the phone because that’s the only way I have to speak to you, instead of saving, like, my fingers. I spent the rest of the afternoon in the hospital wing, Pomfrey did a good job but I still have blisters all over my hands – it really fucking hurts, that’s why I wanted to call. Also to apologise properly. I don’t… I hate that you must have felt like I rejected you. I wasn’t. I don’t care, it doesn’t matter if… No, I mean, it matters of course, I’m not making light of it, and I care, it’s part of you, what I mean is… Fuck, you want to help me out here? You know what I mean, right? Harry? Am I making things worse? … Harry?”
[Call ended]
*
He hates me (19:49)
Result! (19:50)
No, Pansy (19:50)
I really fucked up (19:51)
He hung up on me (19:51)
*
Did you answer the bloody phone? (19:49)
I did. (19:49)
He’s sincere (19:49)
I feel like he says all the right things (19:49)
Oh shite ur in love arent u (19:49)
*
Thank you (19:52)
Sorry I needed a minute to read all that (19:52)
Oh thank Merlin I thought you were still really mad at me (19:53)
Read? (19:53)
I have an app that converts speech to text, so I can take calls (19:54)
I’m deaf (19:54)
That’s my disability (19:55)
Sorry (19:55)
Fuck, no, don’t apologise (19:56)
No, I mean, I know that your hands hurt, but texting is really the only choice I have (19:57)
Don’t worry about it (19:58)
I’m glad you believe me (19:58)
It is worth the pain (19:59)
*
He doesn’t hate me! (19:58)
Fuck Draco you are going to get murdered (19:59)
Don’t say I didn’t warn you (20:00)
*
I may or may not have overreacted a little when you didn't answer (20:00)
My cousin had to stage an intervention (20:01)
I can’t blame you (20:03)
Hope your cousin didn’t go out of his way (20:04)
Nah, we live together (20:05)
Long story, probably for another time (20:06)
Fair enough. (20:06)
Harry? (20:07)
Yes? (20:07)
Any recommendations for where to learn sign language? ☺ (20:08)